CHAPTER TEN

Tom was sitting in his chair on the bridge. All was well on their voyage, and everything was quiet. Mike came in and sat down in his chair and looked over at Tom, but Tom was distracted. He was thinking about loss, and love after loss, and…guilt. He felt eyes on him eventually and looked over. Mike frowned.

"You, doing, okay?"

"I think so," Tom said. "What helps you with your grief," he asked his friend. Mike looked out to sea as he thought about Tom's question, then he looked back at him.

"Staying busy, I suppose. It's kind of surreal for me though. You had tangible proof, eyewitness account, that yes Darien is dead. I had that with Lucas. Christine told me the last time I ever talked to her. But her and the girls…they just vanished from the earth. I don't actually know if they are dead or alive. I doubt Christine is actively trying to contact me again. So, I may never know."

"How do you deal with that?" Tom asked genuinely curious. He admired the way Mike had held up at sea when everything was going down.

"I guess I just imagine them somewhere. Anywhere. It helps."

"So, denial," Tom said quietly as he looked back out to sea.

"Not necessarily," Mike said. "I mean denial would be that I had concrete proof they died. Like with Lucas I was able to grieve and put him to rest. I know deep down I'll never see my boy again. But with the girls…maybe they're out there somewhere. Maybe their mom is still alive. I mean the marriage was pretty rocky before the red flu, and once Lucas died and I wasn't there to help her deal with it, she decided she was better off without me."

"I'm sorry, Mike," Tom said.

"Don't be. Life is cruel sometimes. I came to terms that if the red flu hadn't happened, I would be divorced right now anyway. But I keep hope that someday, maybe, I'll get to see my girls again."

Tom nodded at his friend. He mulled over everything Mike had said and thought about the tangibility of Darien being dead. It was a fact. She was dead. His children and his father had witnessed it. He knew he needed to completely face that fact before he could be with Rachel guilt free. His decision to head home with the Nathan James was worrisome to him.

He knew the relationship with Rachel most likely progressed at the pace it did because he was at sea. The memories of Darien are all at home, where they were heading. He knew his grief would hit different when he pulled up to their home, he saw their kids, slept in their bed. And he was going to bring Rachel with him. He pushed all those thoughts from his head and focused on his duty at sea.

It was very late, and Tom was off watch. He had checked the stateroom first and had not found Rachel. He headed towards her lab, wondering if she was still working. He really didn't want her to go ashore in the morning, his worry for her safety overwhelming him a bit. He was desperately trying to come up with words that would convince her that she should not push it tomorrow, that his crew was well trained, by her, to be able to accomplish the mission tomorrow. He came upon her lab and stopped to admire her working. He wondered if she had eaten, if she was taking care of herself. He wondered how her wound was healing, and if she was in pain. He wondered if she was thinking about him. After a long pause, he made his way into the lab. She glanced up, recognizing him, and smiled at him. He didn't think he would ever tire of her smiling at him. He crossed the lab and leaned against the table.

"Hi," she said still smiling. Tom smiled back. He couldn't help it.

"Hey. Did you eat?" he replied to her. After giving him a tight smile, she shook her head no.

"No. I'm not that hungry," she whispered. He studied her face for a long time. He was looking for any sign that she was brushing him off, but all he saw was fatigue, and happiness, and maybe a bit of pain. He hoped the happiness was because he had shown up unexpectedly. After the moment, he nodded slowly. He had a sudden urge to touch her, to feel her smooth skin under his hand. He reached out and traced his fingers down her cheek and under her jaw. His thumb then traced over her lips. He felt her shiver and his heart filled with desire. It was then that he noticed the tiredness in her features.

"You look tired," he said as he let his hand drop down to the tabletop. Rachel simply nodded. He sat there, his eyes locked on hers, enjoying the intimate nature of the moment. She was staring back at him, possibly waiting for him to say more, but he was content to sit in silence with her.

"So do you," she replied. He was having trouble focusing his attention. So much was swirling in his mind, so much he wanted to tell her, so much he wanted to hide from. Then Darien popped up and made her appearance. Tom pushed it down, not now, not tonight, he thought. He would have to deal with this soon, he needed to come to terms and move forward, because he was one hundred percent sure…he loved this woman in front of him. And from the look in her eye tonight, he was one hundred percent sure…she loved him. Tom was startled when he heard someone clear their throat from the far side of the lab.

He tore his gaze from her to look at whoever had intruded on their moment. Tex Nolan stood there, a stoic mask on his face, but his eyes shone lightly. Tom felt himself stiffen slightly at the shock of 'being caught' in that moment but then he pushed that feeling down. Rachel had noticed his reaction and looked over her shoulder to see who it was. She looked back at him, and he felt a primal urge to mark his territory with the other man. He looked her square in the eye and reached out and wrapped her in a hug, pulling her into his chest, laying his cheek against the top of her head. Heat and passion filled in. He made eye contact with Tex then released Rachel.

She looked up into his eyes as he stared down at her and she smiled. He nodded at her before she turned to face Tex. He molded his front to her back, resting his hands gently on her shoulders. He prayed she didn't shift too much while in this position because he wasn't sure he could control himself.

"Something I can help you with, Tex? She was asking. Tex eyed the two of them with a big, forced grin and shook his head.

"Guess I was wrong on you making your move, eh, Captain?" Tex said with a laugh that held little humor. Tom had to give it to the man he was trying hard to cover the pain.

"Sorry, Tex," Tom said with a sigh. He really didn't mean to cause him pain…okay maybe a small part of him deep down wanted Tex to feel a bit of jealousy (so he himself could justify his own jealously), but that was all. Tex simply nodded back at him.

"I figured as much, should have seen it coming. Especially after lunch the other day. Something was definitely up with you two," Tex continued. "So much for fraternization rules."

"Old world rules," Tom mumbled. He still wasn't fully over this one yet. But he was trying to listen to Mike's advice on the fact that it was all different now. Tex was nodding again. Almost like he was a bobble head.

"Well, I wish you both happiness," he replied and turned to leave the lab. Tom and Rachel watched him walk away, but then Tom was distracted by Rachel's neck and leaned in for a kiss. She turned to face him, so he wound his arms around his shoulder, his hands clasping at the back of her neck. He had the sudden urge to kiss her, so he leaned in towards her. She pushed forward and met him as their lips touched in a slow kiss. Tom pulled back from her. His need to protect flared again and he felt that need to keep her on the ship and safe.

"I still don't want you to go ashore tomorrow. My crew can handle this…what?" The entire time he had been talking her grin had grown bigger and bigger.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to go ashore. After just sitting here in my lab and working all day I'm in a lot of pain," she said softly, the grin fading a bit. Tom felt a tidal wave for concern flood his system as he registered what she was saying. He couldn't stop his hand from darting out and covering her wound on her side. She smiled at him, but it did little to ease his panic.

"Are you okay?" he asked breathily.

"Yes, just very sore. I think I may need to rest up some more before I resume full duties."

"Maybe Rios should check it again," Tom said, panic and concern still crowding in on him. He could hear it reflected in his voice. Rachel shook her head at him.

"It's not bleeding or anything just sore. I'll be okay, I just need to let it heal more I think." Tom had never heard a truer statement than that one.

"I won't argue that point. Come on," he replied softly. He slipped his fingers between hers, gripped her hand lightly, and tugged her along behind him. He led her down the empty p-way towards his stateroom. The sailors that were on duty tonight doing their best to mind their own business when the captain walked by towing Dr. Scott behind him. They entered his stateroom and he shut the door behind them. He looked her over and saw the fatigue and stress from the day on her.

"Go take a shower," he said quietly. He figured she could use a little time to unwind under the hot water. He took a seat at his desk looking over the information they had gathered for the port tomorrow. He could feel her eyes on him, but he didn't look up. Finally, he heard her shuffle off towards his bathroom. Once he heard the water start, he gave her another five minutes before he took some of his sweats and a towel and placed them in the bathroom, before making his way back to his desk.

He had to admit he was rather enjoying the domestic part of this even if it was on a Naval warship at sea. He never imagined a life like this, but Mike was right. They didn't have time to waste anymore. A major portion of the human race was simply dead. In less than a year's time. He let his mind nibble on a life outside the James. Maybe not necessarily out of the Navy, but no longer at sea. No more deployments. He could be there for his kids, for Rachel. But he knew he would miss it. He would miss the motion, the mission, the drive. He would miss commanding a crew, making the decision, being in command. He pushed all the thoughts from his mind. He felt her hands come down gently on his shoulders, could smell the cleanness of her skin.

"A captain's day is never done," she said as her hands rubbed at his tense shoulder muscles. He rolled his head around and she worked his muscles.

"Never," he replied with a sigh, "if you want to go to bed, I'll be along shortly," he continued. He felt her lean down, placing her cheek against the top of his head, her arms wrapping around his neck. He breathed her in, he relished the heat coursing through his veins. She was igniting his entire body and he wanted more. That thought scared him. He closed his eyes. He was lost in the moment when he heard her start to speak.

"I've fallen in love with you, Captain Chandler, and it scares the hell out of me," she whispered in his ear before she released him and walked towards his bedroom. His senses were on fire, heightened in every sense of the word. She had just told him she loved him and made it all real. He sat at the desk breathing hard, willing control back to his body. He had to admit, it scared the hell out of him too.

He forced himself to finish reading the reports the set everything aside. He quickly changed out of his uniform and crawled into his bed. He could get used to this he thought, as he pressed his front against her back, spooning. Prefect fit he thought as he draped his arm over her hip. He kissed her neck gently, but there was no reaction. Her breathing was even and deep. She had fallen asleep.

Tom laid there for a while longer, lost in the sensation of her body pressed to his. He made a promise to himself that he would deal with his demons and make himself whole again. And he would do it so he could keep this amazing woman by his side. It was going to be very hard when they returned home, but he was determined to make it through to the other side.

He prayed his children understood. Sam wasn't so much a concern. He was young enough yet that he would follow what his father told him. But Ashley. He was worried. She would be a tougher sell he thought. She was going to be angry at him, feel betrayed by him. He was not looking forward to that. He would deal with that when the time came. His mind slipped back to Rachel. He kissed her shoulder, before settling against her and allowing sleep to overtake him.

To Be Continued…