Author's note: Sorry about the long wait! My internet connections are limited at the moment as I'm traveling. Happy reading! Dark rolling sea.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Just over a week had passed since they had left South America, heading for home. It had been smooth sailing for the ship and Tom had been grateful for the reprieve from all the drama. They were able to relax and settled into a comfortable routine. He had noticed the crew's mood had improved tenfold. He knew his mood had improved somewhat, but he was still struggling with the idea of taking Rachel home with him. He was worried about how his children would react to his new relationship.

He could tell Rachel knew something was bothering him, but he wasn't able to put voice to his concerns. He wasn't even sure how to talk about it with her or how she would react to it. He knew his musings were distracting him and he also knew Rachel could tell. He tried hard to give her his full attention but then that fear, and guilt would rear back, and he felt himself pull away. He didn't mean to or want to, but he also couldn't control it. The closer he got the more nervous he got about having to face his children. That thought made him wince. Maybe face them was not the right mind set to have.

He didn't have a clue how Sam would react. He hoped Sam would just be happy his dad was home for a few days, but he was very worried about Ashely. He knew his dad would accept it and understand how and why it happened.

More days passed and Tom still didn't know how to talk to Rachel about what was bothering him. She had given him space and left him to brood on his own time, and for that he was thankful. He knew long term where he wanted to be, getting there was proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be.

They had settled onto the couch for the evening. Tom had picked one of his favorite books, Moby Dick, and had been reading. Rachel had perused his book collection and settled on A Tale of Two Cities. He could tell she was struggling with getting into it. He didn't blame her it wasn't one of his favorites. Suddenly she dropped the book to the floor and burrowed deeper into his side. He wrapped his arm around her tighter, slowly caressing her shoulder. He took a moment to enjoy the comfort of being together before he glanced at his wall clock. He noticed it was getting late.

"Ready for bed?" he asked her quietly. She didn't answer him right away, nor did she move away from him. She settled against him, and he leaned down and kissed her on the top of her head. It had been a good day for him mentally and he wished he could hold onto this moment forever. He felt her shift as she sat up a little, so she could look at him.

"Tom," she said softly. He put his book down into his lap and looked over at her. He noticed her tone was a little timid and he felt a pang of worry wash through him. He didn't reply, but he gave her his full attention. He watched her eyes as she struggled with whatever was on her mind. Tom wanted desperately to smooth that turmoil away but all he could do was reach up to her face and stroke the side of her face gently. She still hadn't continued.

"What is it?" he asked, trying to entice her into continuing. Rachel sighed, and he felt his heart constrict a little, and then she smiled.

"Can we talk about what's bothering you?" Rachel asked, and it seemed to be a struggle to get those words out. The words registered in his brain and his mind froze up. Was he ready to do this? Was he really ready to take her home and face his kids, his father? Did he really want all this while home for just a short period of time? Those thoughts flashed through him mind at warp speed and then his brain seemed to kickstart again. He forced the mask he used as the captain of the ship to his face so that he could take a moment to decide what to say to her.

He couldn't find any words and felt a little like a failure. He was not used to being the one who couldn't work through the emotion, the one that couldn't shut that emotion down and talk about a topic analytically. He wasn't used to being weak. He watched the emotions cruise across Rachel's face as he sat there and debated with himself. The longer he took the more her face fell. Eventually she started to pull away from him, and without thinking his arm darted out and gently took hold of her.

She paused and slowly brought her eyes back to him. It pained him deeply to see that pain and uncertainty in her eyes. How he wanted to make it all disappear, how he wished he could fix his broken mind and mend his confused heart. He knew that his hold on his emotions was breaking and that his face was no longer a stone façade but a mirror of what was going on exactly in his head. The fear, confusion, pain, and love were all competing for top billing, and he was spinning with it. She hadn't said anything yet and he still couldn't bring himself to speak.

He could tell she was also waging a battle and he knew that he was the cause of her discomfort and that was a crushing blow to his heart. He did not want to be a thing that caused her pain. She tried to stand, and he held firm. He was desperately trying to break the spell that was locking his tongue. She sat back down and looked at him.

"We can either talk about this, or you can let me go and I'll see you tomorrow," Rachel said. He noticed she was trying hard to hold the emotion out of her voice and she mostly had accomplished that but a little of that fear and disappointment had seeped through. He brought his eyes up and locked them with hers, and slowly nodded at her.

"I don't know how to tell my children," Tom said, the words simply falling out of his mouth. He felt the burn of tears building, and for once he wasn't ashamed of them. He felt it was okay if he broke down here, with her. He watched as Rachel took a deep breath and then nodded at him. "I'm working through my own guilt, and I don't know how to tell them I've…moved on."

"We don't have to if you don't want to, at least not yet" she offered him the way out. He looked up at the ceiling for a moment than back at her. He thought about what it would mean, to not tell the children. It would mean Rachel not being there with him. It would mean a week of being away from her completely. He didn't like that idea so much.

"That'd mean staying away from you the whole time we were home," he replied with a grimace. Rachel nodded slowly at him.

"Yes, it would," she replied.

"I don't want that either," he continued, then wrapped his hand up in hers, relishing in the physical contact. There was more to his worries, and he felt that he needed to come completely clean with her. He decided here and now that he would not omit anything with Rachel. If this was going to work, they needed to be open and honest with each other. "I'm also worried I'll shut down when we get back to the…house," he continued. When she brought her eyes back to his he could see the question written on her face. She didn't understand what he meant. He mulled his thoughts over and then continued. "I shard that house with her for a long time. I think this," he said, as he lifted their hands slightly to signify their relationship, "happened so…quickly, because life here…has never had Darien in it, per say. She was never on the ship with me. There's not a million memories bombarding me of her. All the memories on the James are with you. At home…it was always her."

He hoped that Rachel understood what he was implying. He knew that things here were easier because this part of his life was just him. There are no memories on board of his wife, his family, his former life. The memories here are his life in the Navy and then the post-apocalyptic future they were now living in. He watched as understanding flooded her face and he breathed a sigh of relief. He was a little terrified to go home, even if Rachel wasn't part of the issue because he knew the grief and memories were going to engulf him. He had a habit of shutting down to those around him as he dealt with the emotional turmoil internally. He was never good at talking about things like that, but maybe if he was going to survive this transition, he was going to have to do that.

"What do you want to do?" Rachel asked. And the question made him realize…he didn't have a clue. He had no idea how to do this, or tell them, or keep himself sane while he was home with them. He didn't have a plan of action to follow, there was no rules of engagement to help him make decisions. He would be thrown into the jungle to fend for himself.

"I don't know," Tom breathed out. The next words tumbled out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying. "I do love you and I want you to be a part of our lives. I'm just worried how the children will react. I guess I have just under a week to figure it all out."

"I love you too, Tom," she whispered as she leaned her head against his shoulder. "We will work through this too." Tom felt the blast of emotion surge through him at her words.

"I know. But I need to try. I need to be able to explain."

They were both quiet for quite some time after that. Tom was lost in the storm brewing in his head about the upcoming trip home. Rachel was pressed neatly into his side, and he kept his arm wrapped around her shoulder. He glanced down to see her slowly blinking and drifting off to sleep. He wasn't ready for this moment to end so he shifted his body down along the couch so that they were both laying on the couch, her half draped over top of him. Tom brought the book back up and revealed in the moment. If someone had told him where he would be in this moment a year ago, he would have laughed at them and shook his head. But now, it was a reality that he was hoping would be the future for them. He felt Rachel's body settled into sleep as he read for another hour or so before he drifted off to sleep himself.

To Be Continued…