Author's Note: Holy rusted sheet metal, Batman! This is a long chapter lol so I hope you enjoy. There's a lot here to unpack. Happy reading and I hope you enjoy. Dark rolling sea.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Two nights later Tom was sitting on the bridge late at night, wishing he was in his stateroom. He took another drink from his coffee cup and stretched his legs out a little. He was staring out into the dark night watching the ship make its steady pace towards home. He saw movement in the darkness and shifted his eyes over to see Master Chief Jeter coming towards him. Tom took another drink of his coffee and settled deeper into his Captain's chair. He used to enjoy night watch, but tonight it was hard knowing Rachel was in his bed asleep.

"Captain," Jeter said in greeting. Tom looked over at the man and gave a small smile.

"Master Chief. What can I do for you?"

"Just reporting all is well," Jeter replied. Tom noticed the other man was studying him.

"Something else on your mind?" Tom asked quietly. He saw Jeter contemplating something and decided to wait the other man out. Tom returned his gaze to the ocean but didn't say anything as he sipped at his coffee just for something to do.

"Actually, there is, Sir," Jeter said hesitantly. Tom looked over at him, his face the stone captain's mask.

"And?" Tom asked.

"Well, sir, I was wondering…how you were holding up. I've talked with a lot of the crew over the last couple months. Helping people deal with the stress and loss that we have had to deal with. I've even talked to Commander Slattery about his son. But I haven't had a chance to talk with you."

Tom pursed his lips and stared at his friend. He knew Jeter was just looking out for him and keeping the best interest of the crew in mind. Tom understood that the captain needed to be in sound mind and judgement to run the ship properly. He understood where the Master Chief was coming from. Jeter locked eyes with him and waited.

"Honestly I'm doing okay, Russ," Tom replied, using the man's first name to signify that this was between friends, and not rank. Jeter nodded slowly understanding.

"How are things, Tom?"

"In all honesty, I really am doing okay. I've let myself grieve for Darien. Come to terms I'm a widower. There're still times it hits me hard, but it won't affect my ability to lead this ship."

"That's good to hear. And how are things with Dr. Scott?" Jeter asked with no hint of emotion in his voice. Tom was a little taken aback by the question but knew the time would be coming there would be many. He contemplated what he needed to say, thought about how to answer the man. He knew he could trust Jeter to keep his mouth shut but Tom also knew that there was no way to keep a secret like this on the ship…especially with Rachel living in his stateroom.

"It's moving forward," Tom finally settled on.

"Kind of fast," Jeter stated. Tom started to feel uncomfortable, as if Jeter was judging him. He didn't need any outside judgement as he was already struggling with his own judgements on the timeline and how things went down.

"Master Chief," Tom said, an edge of warning to his voice. Jeter nodded slowly and took a small step back. He took the hint the conversation was no longer an acceptable line. Tom worked to smooth his feathers and stuff the anger down. He looked out at the ocean and drank more coffee. Jeter stood for a moment more than turned and walked away.

The morning came with no more issues or conversations. Tom had spent the night quiet, mostly sitting in his chair contemplating the open seas. He was tired and stiff and wanted nothing more than for his watch to end and get some shut eye in his at sea cabin. He was tempted to go to his stateroom but knew with it being the day he needed to be more accessible if there was on issue on the bridge.

"XO on the bridge!" was announced and Tom looked over to see Mike strolling towards him. Tom stood and stretched a little then motioned with his head that Mike follow him to the at sea cabin for the briefing.

After going through the watch briefing, which didn't take long as not much had happened, Tom wanted to talk to Mike about the crew's morale and more importantly, after Jeter's comment last night, the scuttle butt on his relationship status. Mike seemed to sense there was more on Tom's mind.

"How's morale?" Tom asked.

"Up. Crew's excited about going home. Some are excited about just having lighter duty." Mike replied with a smile.

Tom nodded. He had expected that answer and was glad the crew felt that way. He knew he was ready to get off the ship for a bit. Jeter's words hit him again and he frowned.

"Something else?" Mike asked. Tom looked up at his friend and pursed his lips.

"Maybe," Tom mumbled. Mike raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to the side.

"Okay," Mike drew out. Tom looked at him and shook his head slightly and laughed.

"Jeter said something to me last night."

"Oh?" Mike asked. Tom rubbed a hand along the back of his neck.

"Yeah, maybe rankled my feathers a tad. May be nothing, but," Tom started but didn't have the words to finish.

"What did he say?"

"He asked about my relationship with Dr. Scott."

"Oh," Mike replied, a cringe on his face. Mike paused a moment before he continued, "want me to subtly remind the crew it's not their business?"

Tom looked up at his friend and smiled. He could tell Mike was serious too. He laughed softly before he spoke.

"No. But I was wondering what kind of scuttle butt you've heard. I feel like a hypocrite after the whole Green and Foster thing." Mike nodded. He pursed his lips for a moment before he continued.

"Well, there's a mix of some people cheering you on, and some not liking the fact you're distracted."

"And which camp are you in?" Tom asked looking at Mike. Mike paused for a moment.

"Is this a trick question?" Mike asked. Tom laughed.

"No. I'm asking as Tom your friend."

"Unfortunately, Tom my friend is also Captain Chandler my boss."

"Mike, please," Tom pleaded. He really wanted to know what Mike thought. He watched Mike work something out in his mind and take a deep breath. Tom waited him out.

"I'm rooting for you, Tom. But I do know a few that are disgruntled."

"Will it affect the working relationships on the ship?"

"I don't think so. I think they'll see it how I see it. Other than being late it hasn't affected your ability to make command decisions."

"One time," Tom huffed out incredulously. Mike laughed.

"And I'll never let you forget," Slattery chuckled at Tom.

"Relentless."

"Like a pit bull. Right now, it's a non-issue. I'll talk with Russ and see what's going on in his mind. I can talk to the other parties as well if you want me to."

"Is it Green and Foster?" Tom asked softly.

"Green, not Foster. But I think he'll be okay. How do you want to handle that situation going forward?"

"I haven't really thought about it."

"With her pregnancy," Mike began.

"I guess we need to make some adaptions on the fly for new world rules."

"Things are different now," Mike said, and Tom noticed the sadness in his XO's voice.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm doing okay. Still no word from the rest of my family and I've…dealt with losing Lucas."

"You have someone to talk to, Mike?"

"Actually…I do," Mike said, a smile playing on his lips. Tom cocked his head to the side, looking at his friend curiously. He knew Mike was going to hold onto whatever he had cooking at the moment, so Tom simply nodded.

"You sure you don't want leave time while we're in port?"

"We've already been over that. I'll be fine on the ship."

"Okay," Tom said distractedly. Talking about going home made him think about telling the kids again. Mike seemed to pick up on the change in Tom's mood.

"Something more?" he asked softly.

"Sometimes it scares me how well you can read me," Tom huffed at him.

"Like an old married couple," Mike replied with a wide grin. Tom laughed. "So?"

"Just thinking about how to tell the kids. Ashley really. She's not going to take it well that I've…moved forward with Rachel. I fear it's going to be like a war zone."

"She's at that age," Mike replied.

"I know she's going to feel like I'm betraying her mom."

"Feelings you've been dealing with yourself."

"Again, stop it," Tom said with a cringe. "I'm also scared of how I'm going to react to being back in the house. All the memories of Darien are there."

"Sorry. All you can do is talk with her, Tom. And take the memories as they come. Don't keep it in. Take time to grieve."

"I know. Doesn't make it easier."

"Nothing is going to make it easier. You look tired."

"Okay, Dear. I'm going to get some shuteye then I'll be around."

"Shut up," Mike replied with a laugh and turned to leave. He stopped at the door and turned around. "Hey, Tom?"

"Yeah?" Tom asked as he unbuttoned his top uniform shirt.

"Don't let other people's opinions intrude on your relationship. Rachel's good for you, I've seen it these last couple months."

"Thanks," Tom breathed out. Mike nodded and left him alone in the cabin. Tom stripped down and crawled into the bed drifting off to sleep.

Two days later Tom sat in his chair again in the middle of the night, sipping coffee, and watching as the ship made a steady progress towards home. They would be in port in a few hours and his nerves were all over the place. He had made the decision to keep Rachel by his side and to tell the children head on. He knew Mike was right when he had said there would be less issues down the road if he was open and honest from the start with the children. He had also been thinking about his talk with Mike the other night. They would really have to make some new rules for the ship going forward.

He was mid coffee sip when he realized someone was standing quietly next to his chair. He caught her scent and saw her form out of the corner of his eye, Rachel. He finished his sip and then lowered his cup from his lips. He wondered why she was awake at zero two thirty in the morning.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" he asked, his voice barely audible.

"I tried," she replied. He felt her hand land softly on his forearm. His eyes drifted to her, and he nodded at her. "How's it going up here?"

"Smooth sailing," he rumbled, keeping his voice low. He took another drink from his coffee. When he brought his cup back down, he looked over at her. "I think we should tell them together."

He watched her face for a reaction and saw a slight glimmer of something, possibly fear, flit across her eyes before she tucked it away. He saw a nervous smile cross her lips.

"Okay, if that's what you think, then that's what we will do," she replied. He could hear the nervousness in her voice. He studied her face looking for any sign that she was backing out. She held his gaze.

"I do," he answered her, with a sigh. He knew the next week was going to be rife with emotional turmoil.

"So, I'm staying with you in the house?" Rachel asked. Her voice was tentative, with nervousness laced through it. Tom studied her face, seeing the stress and emotion etched there.

"Yes," he breathed out, then grinned at her. He brought his coffee cup up and took a drink just to settle his insides. He watched as she smiled at him in return.

"About how much longer?" she asked.

"A few hours," he replied. "You should try to get some sleep. It'll be a long day."

Tom watched as she walked away from him and off the bridge. He blew out a breath and settled back into his chair, resuming his watch of the open waters.

A few hours later the Nathan James was indeed docked in Norfolk. Tom had issued the orders and posted the leave schedules for those who had asked to leave the ship while docked. He stood on the bridge with Mike as they went through the proper checklists of docking the ship. When everything was secure or in the process of being done by his crew Tom turned to Mike.

"All's well?"

"All's well. I'll take good care of her while you're gone, Captain."

"You sure I can't talk you into taking some time?"

"Duty is what keeps me going, Tom. I'm really okay. I don't have any way of tracking them down, if they're even still out there. I've come to terms with the fact that I will never see my children again."

"And Christine?" Tom asked. He watched his friend's face flash through a multitude of emotion.

"As far as I'm concerned, they are gone," Mike said, his voice breaking slightly. Tom nodded and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"I really am sorry," Tom said softly. Mike nodded before jutting his chin up.

"I know, Tom, it's nobody's fault really. Just a harsh reality we have to live in now. Now. You have duties dock side before you can take off but go get Rachel and get off this ship."

Tom smiled and nodded. The two shook hands. "See you in a week, Mike."

"Enjoy your leave, Sir," Mike replied with a smile.

Tom made his way to his stateroom with the small bag he had packed with stuff he needed. When he opened the door, he saw Rachel had been pacing and had abruptly stopped when he came in.

"Ready? He asked still holding the door open. He watched her take a deep breath and picked up her bag sitting on the floor. She nodded at him. He saw the nerves rolling through her, the fear wallowing in her eyes. He wanted to sooth all of it away, but he was feeling much the same way. Instead, he smiled at her and tilted his head towards the open doorway. She walked towards him and went to slip passed him when he stopped her by taking hold of her arm. Her face looked up at him expectantly and he leaned down, kissing her slowly and warmly. After, he pulled back with a sigh and released her arm.

Once on the deck Tom noticed at least half the crew had disembarked already. He and Rachel made their way off the ship. Once on the dock he met up with crew from Norfolk. He was introduced to Captain Williams.

"This is Captain Michelle Williams," Jeter said to Tom. "Ma'am, this is Captain Tom Chandler of the Nathan James."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Captain Chandler," Williams said. Tom nodded.

"Likewise. My ship needs some repairs and to be fully restocked."

"As are our standing orders. My crew on the dock is ready and with the help of your own crew we can meet all the demands."

"That's great to hear. We are also needing a slew of medical supplies to restock Dr. Scott's lab on the ship. She's made out a list," Tom replied as he pulled said list from his pocket and handed it to Captain Williams. The woman took it and glanced over it.

"I'll get a team on this right away. I can't guarantee we can secure everything, but we will do our best to get you what you need."

"Thank you."

"Now if you'll follow me, we can get the formalities out of the way."

Tom nodded and followed Captain Williams inside. A few hours later the ship was squared away. He was feeling the pull of his lack of sleep but knew he wouldn't be sleeping any time soon. His nerves were jangling as he found Rachel and got into the car that had been provided for him.

His body was humming with the anticipation of seeing his family again. He was excited and elated. He missed his kids. He was also nervous and full of anxiety, and maybe even a little bit scared. They were both quiet as he drove them towards his house. Early in the drive he had reached over and entangled his hand with hers. He drew strength from the comfort of the contact.

It wasn't long before he pulled into the driveway of his home he had shared with Darien for a long time. He parked the car and sat for a moment as the emotions bombarded him harder than he thought they would. He felt her eyes on him and he glanced over to see she was indeed staring at him.

"This is it," he mumbled as he looked out the windshield avoiding her. She was quiet for a moment before he felt her hand pull away from his. He immediately wanted that contact back. Her hand stroked gently along his jaw, and he closed his eyes as the heat and spark traveled through him.

"It's going to be okay," she said. Her hand dropped away from him, and he opened his eyes, nodding slowly before he opened the car door and threw a leg out. Rachel followed his lead getting out of the car. He was grabbing the bags out of the back seat when he heard the front door burst open. He glanced up to see Sam charging down the sidewalk at him.

"DAD!" the boy screamed as he launched himself into the air once he was within a few feet of his dad. Tom dropped the bags to the ground and caught his boy in midflight. He pulled Sam into his chest as the boy's arms wrapped tightly around Tom's neck. Tom squeezed his son tightly enjoying the hug.

"Hey, Buddy," Tom whispered. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, Dad," Sam breathed out as he pulled his head up to look at Tom. Shifting Sam's weight from his front to his hip he held his son while he bent to pick up the dropped bags. Before he could get them picked up Rachel hurried over and grabbed them from him. He gave her a look, but she shook her head and motioned they go towards the house.

"I've got these, you carry him," she said softly. Tom stared at her for a moment then relented wrapping his arms around Sam, before moving up the steps to the house. When they reached the top of the steps, Ashley appeared with a big smile on her face.

"Dad," she said. Tom leaned down slightly and wrapped her into a one arm hug.

"Ash," he breathed out and hugged her tight, giving her a kiss on the top of her head. His heart was full holding both his children again. He felt the hot burn of tears in the back of his eyes and closed them. "I've missed you guys."

"We missed you too."

"You guys remember Dr. Scott? From the ship?" he asked as he moved their hug towards the open front door. Both of his kids looked over his shoulder at Rachel. Ashley had a leery look on her face, but Sam gave a little wave with a smile.

"Yeah," Ashley said hesitant. Tom felt the first pang of worry about telling them. He decided to wait until later.

"Hi," Same squeaked out. Tom saw Rachel smile at his children.

"Hello," she replied.

"Let's get settled inside," Tom continued. "Where's grampa?"

"Making dinner," Ashley said absently as her gaze was still on Rachel. Tom glanced at Rachel and saw the uncertainty in her eyes.

"Good, I'm starved," Tom said as he slid Sam to the floor inside the living room. He stopped and looked around and was not ready for the wall of emotion that slammed into him in that moment. A tidal wave of grieve washed over him. He could hear Darien's voice, smell her perfume, see her sitting on the couch, hear her laughing. He pushed it all down and worked to restore the captain's mask he used at sea. Tom wanted to go to Rachel, but he didn't want to show affection with her until they had told the children the truth. He moved quickly towards the kitchen to see his dad and felt Rachel follow him.

He saw his dad cooking at the stove. Rachel hung back out of the way while Tom stood just behind his dad, the kids flanking his side. He looked at his children.

"So, what's been going on guys?"

"They opened school," Sam said with disgust.

"Really? And you're behaving at school?"

"Yes, Dad," Ashley replied while rolling her eyes. Tom smiled.

"What else is going on? I've been away. Anything fun happen?"

"They opened the mini golf back up in town!" Sam cheered with a fist bump.

"Awesome," Tom replied. "Maybe we can go play a round while I'm home."

"Can we bring Ava?" Ashley asked.

"Sure, if her mom says it's okay," Tom replied as he draped an arm around Sam's shoulders and placed a hand over Ashley's shoulder.

"Almost ready," Jed announced. "Ashley, why don't you get the table set."

Tom watched Ashley roll her eyes before she pulled away from him and started setting the table. Tom moved and sat at the table, his kids sitting on either side of him. He watched Rachel took the seat directly across from him at the table. After his dad finished cooking, he placed the food in the center of the table and took the seat next to Rachel.

Dinner was relaxed and enjoyable as he conversed with his kids catching up on all the cool things now available in Norfolk. He could tell Rachel was watching him throughout dinner, but he didn't pay much attention to it, as he was engrossed in his kids. When the food was eaten, and the kitchen cleaned up, Tom moved into the living room with the kids and sat down on the couch with Sam on one side and Ashley on the floor at his feet. He waited for Rachel to come into the room, but she hadn't followed him. He looked at the hallway.

"Rachel?" he boomed in his deep baritone. A few moments later Rachel appeared around the corner, coming into view. Tom patted the cushion next to him, indicating with his head he wanted her to sit next to him. His dad took the chair across from them as Rachel nervously walked over to him and sat down. Tom felt the roll of emotion rock through him, as he tried to steal his nerves to say what he needed to say. He looked at Rachel and took a deep breath.

"Kids, Dad, Rachel and I have something we want to discuss with you," Tom said, his voice a low rumble. Tom felt Ashley tense against his legs. Tom reached his arm along the back of the couch towards Rachel. He loosely laid his hand against his shoulder. "The last few months, Rachel and I have…grown closer," he continued. Words were failing him again, and Rachel hadn't said anything to help out.

"Are you kidding, Daddy?" Ashley barked out in a shout. "What about Mom!"

"Honey let me explain," Tom asked in a calm voice. Ashley jumped to her feet suddenly and stomped out of the living room, tears rolling down her face. Tom sat there a moment staring at his feet. His heart felt the sting of his daughter's reaction. He knew what she was feeling as he had struggled too. He was still struggling with it. Not to mention all the memories of Darien crowding in on him here at the house. "Well, that didn't go over well," Tom whispered.

"What's wrong with Ashley, Dad?" Sam asked curiously. Tom looked at his son and smiled.

"I think she's mad at me, Bud."

"How come?"

"Did you understand what I meant when I said Dr. Scott and I have grown closer?" He asked his son gently. He watched Sam's face scrunch up in confusion. Tom sighed out a deep breath. "Rachel and I are dating, Sam."

"Oh, like she's your girlfriend?"

"Yeah," Tom said a small smile crossing over his lips and that was the first time it had been said out loud.

His son didn't seem phased one way or another as Tom stared at him. Sam leaned out and looked around his father and Tom leaned back to let him. He watched Rachel give his son a tight-lipped smile.

"Why's Ash mad then?"

"I don't know, Sam, I'll have to talk to her and find out," Tom sighed out. He looked at his father.

"I figured something might be up after that time the kids and I spent on the Nathan James," Jed said with a smile. His words hit Tom like a brick.

"Was it that obvious then?" Tom asked as his hand squeezed Rachel's shoulder.

"No, not really, but I've known you a long time, Tommy, and I can read you pretty well," Jed replied with a smile. Tom nodded slowly as he thought about how well Mike had read him too. "How did it happen?"

"She helped me grieve for Darien," Tom said softly. His dad nodded slowly. "Then things just sort of fell into place, I guess."

"Are you happy?" Jed asked. Tom couldn't help himself. He smiled and nodded. He really was happy. "You should probably go talk to her."

Tom knew his dad was right. He needed to talk to his daughter about this. It was something that he knew was going to be ugly and painful for all of them, but like Mike said, honestly up front to make it better later on. He finally stood, pulling Sam up with him. Tom noticed Rachel hug herself and sink deeper into his couch.

"I'll be back," he said, looking at Rachel. Then he turned to face his son. "Come on, Buddy, we need to go have a talk with just the three of us."

Tom headed towards Ashley's room with Sam in tow. He had no idea what to say to her or how to make the situation better. He decided to heed Mike's advice and let her dictate the conversation. He took a deep breath, knocked on Ashley's door, and pushed through into the room. Sam trotted in behind him and plopped down unceremoniously on Ashley's bed.

He took a moment to observe his daughter, reading her body language. She was sitting on the floor with her knees curled to her chest. Her face was streaked with tears, and she quickly and harshly rubbed at her face trying to erase the evidence. She had earbuds in, and the music was up loud. Tom dropped himself down to the floor next to her and leaned back against her bed. Sam flopped over and rested his chin on Tom's shoulder.

"Ash," he said reaching out and gripping her shoulder. She pulled away from him and stuck her chin out defiantly. Tom sighed and sat there leaning back against the bed with Sam resting on him. He was running a lot through his mind. How could he blame Ashley for the feelings she was feeling when he was feeling the exact same emotion? He had made a mess of things, and he didn't know how to fix it.

He thought about what he wanted, and he knew where he wanted to be in the future. He was very sure he wanted Rachel to be a part of their lives. He knew that eventually the kids would come around and see her the way he did. At least he hoped. He knew Ashley was angry, and she had every right to feel that way. He had to remember that when he talked with her.

Tom decided to sit and wait Ashley out, hoping she would eventually talk to him on her own volition. He started to think about their life pre red flu and felt his heart squeeze a little. How he missed Darien. He felt the pain and grieve building in him again. He could smell her. He could hear her laughing. He could hear her yelling at him. He could feel her next to him. It was an odd sensation that his mind was feeling something for two different women.

The knowledge that she was gone, forever, washed over him, and his heart broke. He felt the hot burn of tears in his eyes as a lump plugged his throat. The tears slipped down his cheeks silently, as he thought about all the things, he had left unsaid. All the things they had yet to do. He was just waiting…waiting for what? He knew though. He was waiting for the day he knew he could stay home, and not resent the fact he wasn't at sea. He was a sailor, much to his father's chagrin. On the sea is where he felt at home. In command is where he felt most like himself. He was a warrior and there was no place for warriors on the home front. Someday he hoped he could be happy. Be happy with a life away from the sea, away from being a warrior.

The memories of talked about vacations floated through his mind, the places they wanted to take the kids, the places they wanted to go without the kids. He thought about all the missed times, empty beds, and miles apart. Grief rolled through him like an earthquake. He didn't know how much time had passed. Sam had left the bed and sat in his lap, leaning against his chest, snuggled deep. Tom's arms were wrapped around him in a warm embrace. Ashley had been ignoring him as he cried silent tears for their mother, the woman he loved. And he did still love her which is why he was so confused that he could also love Rachel…but he did.

"How could you," Ashely whispered harshly at him as tears streamed down her face again, she had pulled the ear buds out.

"Ash," Tom said with a sigh. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

"Did you at least wait until mom was dead?" she asked in a hard voice full of venom. More tears slipped from his eyes as he stared into the anger filled once of his daughter.

"It's not like that, Ash, I promise. Your mother was gone before Rachel and I…"

"Cheated on Mom?" Ashley spat at him shaking her head.

"Ash, please," Tom said calmly as more tears slipped.

"Why are you so mad, Ash?" Sam asked, picking his head up from Tom's shoulder.

"Why are you such a dork?" Ashley barked back at him. Sam stuck his tongue out at her. "I'm mad because Daddy decided Mom doesn't mean anything anymore!"

"Now that's not true," Tom said with a little force. "Ashley, I loved your mother very much. I still do in fact. I miss her all the time. And this thing with Rachel has been confusing and frustrating to me."

"But not enough to stop you from…"

"Ashley, I'm not cheating on your mother. She's dead, Honey, I can't cheat on her."

"Yeah. She's dead. Because you didn't get there in time," Ashley grounded out. Tom felt her words like a slap in the face. He felt another rush of hot tears spill down his face. He had felt that guilt of not getting there in time. To have missed saving Darien by such a short window had devastated him.

"Honey," Tom whispered. "I'm so sorry I was too late to save your mom. I'd give my life to go back and make it better, but I can't. All I can do now is move forward and help as many people as I can get better and be protected."

"With her," Ashley said, her voice still heavy with anger. "You didn't even give mom a thought after, did you?"

"I'm still grieving for your mother, Ashely."

"While you share your bed with her?"

"Ash," Tom said in his warning voice.

"Mom is gone and you just…moved on," she whispered as her voice cracked, the tears falling harder again. Tom shifted Sam on his lap and wrapped an arm around Ashley pulling her into him. She let him do it wrapping her arms around his torso. "Mom is gone, and then you left us to figure it out on our own."

"I'm so sorry, kiddo," Tom replied. Sam reached up and brushed at the tear tracks on Tom's cheeks. "This thing with Rachel just blossomed. But it would not have happened if your mother had made it. I promise you that, Baby. I still love your mother and miss her every day."

"Me too," Sam piped in. Tom squeezed his son. Ashley pulled away from him and sat back.

"I miss mom too."

"You have every right to be angry at me, Ashley, and we will work through this. But I love you guys, and I love Rachel. I want you guys to love her too."

Ashley bit at her lower lip and scowled. She glared up at Tom and his heart broke a little bit more. He saw Darien in her and felt the grief of losing her wash over him again. Fresh tears built and spilled down his cheeks.

"I don't understand how you can say that, Daddy," she ground out. Her eyes were alight with fire as her anger boiled over. "How can you say you still love mom, but love that woman too?"

"I don't know, Honey. I just know that I do…love them both. I miss your mom so much. And being here in the house, with you, Sam, grampa, and the memory of your mother is so very hard."

"Maybe you shouldn't have brought her along too, then," Ashely spat out at him, turning to face the wall again. Tom touched her shoulder and she jerked violently away from his touch.

"I don't understand why you're so mad, Ash," Sam asked as he sat in Tom's lap.

"Shut up, Sammy, you're too little to understand anything," Ashley said harshly.

"Hey," Tom barked. "Don't take your anger at me out on Sam."

"Why don't you and her go back to the ship! We're just an inconvenience to you now I suppose."

"Ashley!" Tom said, his voice catching in his throat as a lump overtook him. His heart hurt badly, and he wanted to draw his daughter into a deep hug, but he knew in her current state that would make matters worse. Instead, he cried some more and wished the Darien had made it, so he wasn't in this situation at all. That made him sad as well because then he wouldn't have gotten to know Rachel like he did now. His life was very complicated at the moment, and it was taking its toll on him.

"Don't, Dad. I can't believe you would do something like this. Mom's only been dead six months," she said then cried out.

"Ashley, I'm sorry. I knew this was going to be hard. I knew this was going to be upsetting, but I also knew I had to tell you now and not later. I can't hide things from you."

"Just go back to your ship," Ashley said as she sobbed again.

"Baby, I want to spend time with you and Sam before I have to go again."

"Yep, go save the world with her and leave us."

"Ashley, it's dad's job."

"It was, Sam, it was. Everything is different now."

"You told me to finish the mission," Tom reminded her. "I was going to quit."

"Yeah, but you went back because of her I'm sure," Ashley replied. Tom took a deep breath, tried to reign his emotions in.

"Do you want me to walk away from the Navy? Do you want me to come home?" Tom asked. He was serious too, he thought. Ashley looked at him with sad lost eyes. He could see she was contemplating what he said. Slowly she shook her head.

"No," she whispered. "Finish the mission." She whimpered and Tom pulled her into him and Sam, squishing Sam.

"Hey!" Sam giggled.

"Are we okay, Ash?" Tom whispered against the top of her head as he kissed her hair.

"I don't know, Daddy," Ash said pulling back a bit. "I don't like it. I feel like you're betraying mom, like you're…"

"Cheating on her?"

"Yes," she whispered. Tom nodded. He had a lot of the same feelings that he was working through himself.

"I can't hold that against you. Maybe tomorrow we can talk more?" Tom asked as he felt the fatigue of the past six months pull at him. Ashley didn't respond and he sighed. He looked at his watch and saw they had been in her room almost two hours. Sam was half asleep in his arms. "I think it's time for bed," Tom said softly. Ashely looked at Sam in their dad's arms.

"You can leave him in here tonight," Ashley said getting up from the floor and pulling the covers back on her bed. Tom lifted Sam and himself from the floor and deposited his son into his daughter's bed. He kissed Sam's hair and turned towards his daughter.

"Ashley, can you at least give it a chance?"

"I don't know, Dad. I think I need more time."

"Okay," Tom replied feeling defeated. At least her anger had simmered down a tad. He pulled her into a tight hug. "I love you, kiddo."

"I love you too, Dad."

Tom left her room and moved quietly to the living room. He wiped hastily at his face to remove the tear marks, but he knew his eyes would give it away anyway. He took a deep breath and paused as the pictures on the wall caught his eye. There was one from his wedding day with Darien and he felt the pain of losing her wash through him roughly. He pushed that down, closed his eyes and willed the memories to stay at bay. His nose smelled her, his skin felt her, his eyes saw her. The bombardment of emotion was overwhelming him. He opened his eyes and forced his face to relax as he pushed forward into the living room. He found Rachel still on the couch and his dad still in the chair.

He walked over to Rachel as exhaustion slammed into him and he suddenly felt like he could sleep for a year. He hesitated when he reached the couch and then decided to not sit down. He wanted to just go to bed and wake up tomorrow and maybe try again.

"If you'll excuse us, Dad, we've had a long day…well couple of days, and I think we're both ready for some sleep," Tom said, turning to look at his dad. Jed nodded slowly.

"Certainly, Son. I'll see you two in the morning. Did you get Ashley calmed down?"

"Both kids are in Ashley's room. She's…better…I suppose. Tomorrow's another day," Tom breathed out. He suddenly didn't have the energy or patience any longer. He saw Rachel reach up with her hand and he took hold of it and tugged her to her feet. As they headed towards the bedroom, he grabbed their bags from the corner. He pushed open the door and stepped into the bedroom and he felt his body tense.

The emotion of loss and love and confusion washed over him as memories of time spent with Darien flooded his mind. He heard the door shut behind him and he felt the wind sucked from his lungs. A lifetime of intimacy with Darien cascaded through him as his eyes searched the bedroom. He was not expecting the blow of grief he experienced when he walked in. Being on the ship at sea had held it at bay. He thought he had dealt with it, but in reality, he had barely scratched the surface.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked him quietly. He felt her hands settle on his shoulders from behind. He couldn't answer her. He couldn't find any words or make his mouth work. Tears burned his cheeks and his lungs heaved for air as pain washed over him. He felt her hands leave his shoulders and her arms snake around his midsection, but he felt like he was suffocating. He tried to suck in deeper breaths, but it just seemed to make his midsection heave as the tears ran down his face unobstructed. He felt a tremendous loss in his heart as the reality of the fact that she was never going to be there again slammed into his fragile psyche.

His fight with Ashley replayed in his mind and her anger became a palpable force inside his chest. He felt shame that another woman was holding him while he cried for a woman he shared twenty years with. He took comfort from Rachel's touch but at the same time resented that he was taking comfort from her. His mind was a jumbled mixture of confusion as he wondered how he could love two women so deeply at the same time.

Tom had no idea how much time had passed during his emotional meltdown, but he felt himself coming back under control. He started to peal her hands apart and Rachel let go of him. He walked forward a few steps to the bed before he stopped. Rachel was next to him and slipped her hand into his. Tom reached out with his free hand and gently touched the bedspread. The room was littered with memories of Darien.

The memories started to overtake him again, but he sensed Rachel starting to withdraw from him. He knew he needed to break the hold his grief had just taken. Rachel deserved to be loved and not seen as a burden. He closed his hand around hers to ground himself and pull his fragile psyche back from the cliff ledge he had almost tumbled down. Tom pulled her hand up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles to show her that she was still in his thoughts, even if the memories of his dead wife were crowding her out. She was looking at him expectantly. He thought about what he could say in the moment, what he could possibly tell her. He decided to talk about Ashley's reaction.

"Ashley is not happy about this," he mumbled. "I think Sam doesn't really have an opinion on it right now. But Ashley…she's angry at me. She thinks I'm betraying her mother."

"I think you have had the same thoughts," Rachel added. He turned his gaze from the bed to her face, then back to the bed again. She was right in her assessment.

"Rachel," he began in a whisper, "it's not easy being in this house with you."

"I can go next door…I can…" she was saying.

"No," he whispered cutting her off. The thought of her leaving sent a painful spike through his heart. "No," he managed with a little more control and force. He had a sudden urge for physical comfort and turned towards Rachel. Tom wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in the crook of her neck. He felt her hands grip his back and shoulders and pull him in tightly. She didn't move and let him take the comfort he needed. Tom lost track of the time that had passed. All he knew was that he felt broken and being held by Rachel was helping hold him together for the moment. His heart fluttered and his body flashed with heat.

The feel of her made him want to fix everything. He couldn't stop himself from sucking at the soft skin on her neck. He felt her jump a little, so he did it again, then kissed the spot he had suckled. He continued to kiss her neck, as his hands roamed freely up and down her back. His kissed a path around her neck, up her chin, and then back the way he had come. He felt the heat building inside him, felt the blood flowing, giving him an erection. He wanted her. Tom felt Rachel's hands clasp either side of his face and pulled him into a passionate kiss that had him wanting more. His chest was heaving when he pulled away and he noticed she was panting at well. He dropped his mouth to her shoulder and continued to kiss her gently, placing featherlight kisses on any exposed skin he could find.

He felt Rachel turn and he pushed her down gently, making her collapse onto the bed. He followed her down with his mouth, continuing to suck and kiss at her exposed skin of her neck. His senses were in overdrive as his body craved more of her. He moved his body over her and dropped his weight slowly onto her. He sought out her mouth again and they locked into a passionate fiery kiss of dueling tongues, lips, and teeth. Tom was lost in the sensation. He felt Rachel's hand graze across the fly of his pants, pushing the fabric against his raging erection and memories of he and Darien in this same bed, doing the same things flooded his mind, making him freeze up.

Guilt, shame, and the pain of loss assaulted his mind and body and he pulled away from Rachel, lifting himself from the bed and turning away from her. He worked to even out his breathing and regain some control over his primal instincts. He worked to push the emotions down, to clear his mind of everything. His eyes were still closed, and his fists were clenched when he heard her say his name.

"Tom?" she asked hesitantly, and the uncertainty in her voice made him clench tighter. He ignored her and moved away towards the dresser. He needed distance, he needed to…he didn't know what he needed and that scared him. He leaned down to the dresser and gripped the edge tightly with both hands.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," he breathed out. His brain was on fire and torn between his desire for Rachel and his guilt for having such desire. He really needed to come to better terms, he thought, that Darien was indeed dead and not coming back. His thoughts were interrupted when he felt Rachel's hand on the back of his shoulder blade.

"What's wrong? Rachel asked him. He didn't know how to answer her. He didn't know what to say.

"I just…it…I guess…fuck," Tom babbled. The last part coming out in pure frustration. He took a deep shuddering breath and tried again. "I guess I'm not ready…here…fuck."

And it was true. Here was different from the ship. Here was hard. Here was full of memories and emotions. Here wasn't compartmentalized and stored away."

"It's okay, Tom," she said softly, and he felt his himself relax. He was grateful she understood. And he truly felt that she did understand he was going through a lot. He finally turned around facing her, nodding slowly as he did so. He felt his chest tighten with fear and anxiety.

"I don't deserve you," he breathed out before he knew what he was saying. He closed his eyes tightly for a moment then opened them again. He tried to force bigger gulps of air through his lungs, but they still felt tight. He saw the pain on Rachel's face at his admission.

"Yes, you do," she replied sternly. "I understand. It's okay. We should get some sleep."

He nodded slowly and looked at the bed. He wasn't sure he could do this. After a slight hesitation Rachel took the lead for him. He was grateful for that. She took his hand and pulled him over to her, then slipped herself under the covers. He stood there for a moment longer as he composed his brain, or at least as well as he could anyway. Slowly he climbed into bed and laid on his back. He couldn't face her, so he draped an arm over his eyes, willing the tears to stop falling. He was so tired of crying today. He felt Rachel turn into him and settled with gentle pressure against his side. She leaned over and kissed him gently.

"It's okay, Tom, we'll work through this too," she whispered to him and again he felt like he didn't deserve her. He kept his arm over his eyes as his other arm wrapped around Rachel. He felt her breathing even out as she fell asleep. When he was certain she was out, he pulled his arm from his eyes and sighed deeply. This was way harder than he had thought it was going to be. He just hoped that he could endure this, and he and Rachel would be stronger on the other side. It wasn't much longer before he felt his eyes grow heavy and sleep overtook him.

To Be Continued…