CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Later that day Tom knocked on Ashley's door. His son had come out bubbly and happy that morning, spending some one-on-one time with Tom outside, playing catch and going for a walk. He had loved being with his son, seemingly going back to a time before the world went to hell. It was relaxing and rewarding. Ashely had yet to make an appearance, so Tom felt it was time for them to have a one on one talk, the first of many he felt.
His knock was answered with a "go away!" but Tom was not going to take that as an answer. He knocked again, waited a moment for her to say something. When she didn't, he announced he was coming in.
"Ashley, I'm coming in and we're going to talk," he said with authority. He cringed a little as he may have overdone the command in his words. He opened her door and found her curled up in her bed reading a book. Tom approached slowly and sat down on the edge of her bed. He reached out and touched her shoulder gently and felt his chest tighten when she yanked away from him.
"Don't touch me," she said coldly. Tom sighed.
"Ash, we need to talk through this, kid. We need to both deal with the grief of losing your mother."
"You seemed to already have done that and moved on without us," Ash spat back at him tossing her book to the bed. She sat up and crossed her legs in front of her, arms crossing defensively over her chest. Tom frowned.
"Is that what you think happened?"
"It's pretty obvious, Dad. I mean you already shacked up with…"
"Stop," Tom said with force. Ashley visibly flinched. Tom sighed. "My relationship with Rachel is not a fling. She's not some floozy I picked up in a bar."
"No. You picked her up on your ship. Tell me, was Mom still alive when you too got together?"
"No," Tom answered. Which was true. Darien was already gone when they acted on their feelings. He wasn't sure he wanted to admit that the feelings had started before that though. He kept quiet on that for now. "It started because she…helped me grieve for your mother one night."
"And so, you just jumped at the first option to not be lonely?"
"Honey, it had nothing to do with being lonely. It…"
"Right. And if Mom had lived. Then what?"
"Then I'd be here with you, your brother, your mother, and your grandfather."
"Are you sure? You'd be on your ship with her, while us and mom would be here."
"I love your mother, Ash."
"How? How can you love them both?"
"It's complicated and confusing, I know that. Hell, I'm confused. I'm conflicted. Trust me I felt the same emotions you are…hell I'm still feeling them, Ashley," Tom blew out in frustration.
"If you feel guilty being with her maybe you shouldn't be with her!"
"It's not that simple."
"Why not?"
"Because I love Rachel too."
Ashley looked away tears falling from her eyes. "How can you forget about mom so easily? Would you forget about us too?"
"Oh, Honey," Tom breathed out as his voice cracked. Hot tears burned his cheeks as he reached out and pulled his daughter into his chest. "I haven't forgotten about your mother at all. I still think about her all the time, miss her all the time. I think about you and Sammy all the time. I miss you guys so much when I'm gone."
They held the embrace for a long time before Ashley pulled back and looked at Tom. He saw the pain, sorrow, grief, and a look of being lost in his daughter's eyes and he felt the pain tear through him tenfold.
"I want my mom back," she sobbed. Tom pulled her into him again and kissed the top of her head.
"I know, Honey, I know," Tom said soothingly. He stroked her back as he tried to comfort her.
Neither seemed to want to talk anymore as Tom held her tightly. He was content to stay like this. After a long time had passed Tom pulled away and stood from the bed.
"Can you at least try to give Rachel a chance?"
Tom watched the anger flash in his daughter's eyes and sighed. This was going to be a battle for sure. She shrugged her shoulders. Tom nodded slowly.
"Okay," he conceded. "Get dressed, we're going out for breakfast."
Ashley started to protest, and Tom held up his hand stopping her. He turned and walked out the room to let the others know to get ready. Once everyone was dressed, and in the car, Tom drove them into town to one of the few open places to eat. The meal went horrendously as he had to keep warning Ashley to cool her attitude towards everyone. She had been particularly harsh to Rachel and Tom felt guilty for forcing the issue.
He could tell Rachel was taking it personally but trying too hard to appear to take it in stride. Jed had stepped in on a couple occasions backing Ashley down a notch. Tom felt exhausted after the excursion. He had had another talk with Ashley later that night that had ended in a shouting match. Tom felt himself being overwhelmed with dealing with Ashley's rejection, the memories of his dead wife, and trying to enjoy his leave. He was failing on all accounts and felt himself withdrawing into the storm of his mind.
The next two days seemed to go worse than the previous and life was spiraling into a tornado of overstimulation causing Tom to completely withdraw from everyone. He knew he needed to fix it, or he was going to lose everything. He fought his own instincts of self-preservation and continued to try to talk to Ashley. The only good point that seemed to be coming out of all of it was that he was talking about his own grief and guilt with his daughter and coming to terms with it. Maybe he would be able to hurdle it by the end of the week.
It was late at night and Tom was out on the porch taking a moment to compose his rampaging thoughts. He had just had yet another yelling match with Ashley, which he knew he needed to start reeling in his anger when talking to her. It wasn't really doing either other them good to be screaming at each other. He took a few deep breaths and sipped at the coffee he had brought out with him. The front door opened, and Tom glanced over to see his dad come out. Jed walked up next to him and stared at him. Tom felt a little intimidated by his dad's probing eyes.
"What," he finally drawled out. Jed stared at him another moment.
"Just wondering how you're holding up, Tommy," Jed said softly. "I think you're more suited to a war zone with bullets than words."
"You got that right," Tom mumbled as he rubbed his neck absently. "I don't know, Dad. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be."
"Which part?" Jed asked. Tom looked at him and then thought about his dad's question. All of it he thought. The whole fucking lot of it. He sighed.
"All of it. Ashley, being here, Rachel. All of it. I feel so broken inside."
"It shows," Jed said softly. Tom nodded slowly and sipped his coffee. He felt heavy.
"I don't know how to fix it," Tom whispered and shuddered. Jed clamped a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently.
"It's okay to be broken, Son," he said. Tom felt tears building.
"How'd you handle Mom dying?"
"Poorly. But time and help from friends got me through. You and your siblings helped when you were around."
"Yeah, I guess I just bailed on that, sorry."
"You had duty. It's not something I've ever held against you."
"Do you think my kids do?" Tom asked. He feared maybe part of the issue was he left them to grieve their mother without him.
"No, I think they understand that's who you are."
"Ashley is so angry."
"Yes, she is. She's angry her mom had to die. She's angry at you because she feels you replaced her mother so quickly."
"I didn't mean to," Tom sighed.
"No one means to," Jed replied.
"How do I get passed my own guilt and grief?"
"You have to deal with it. Everyone deals with it differently and you need to find what works for you."
"Things are strained between Rachel and me here. I can't break out of the hold this place has on me."
"Because you needed to process what this place means to you, and what it does to you. Until you do that, you'll be held captive by it."
"I don't know how to do that."
"I think you already are. Keep talking to Ashley, talk to me if you want."
"I am," Tom said looking at his dad. Jed nodded.
"Talk to Rachel."
"I can't," Tom said, before blowing out a frustrated breath. "I shut down around her. I can't seem to find myself."
"Keep looking, Tommy. I know you'll do it."
"Thanks for the confidence, Dad," Tom said with a chuckle, before he felt the seriousness envelope him again. "Because I sure don't have any of my own."
"It'll come, Son. Be patient."
"I just hope she has patience too," Tom said looking out into the yard.
"Well, I can tell she loves you a lot. So, I'm thinking she'll have the patience to wait."
"I sure hope so," Tom replied.
The next day Tom wanted to take the kids and Rachel to the mini golf place that Sam had talked about. He felt disappointed when Rachel begged off and suggested he go with just the kids. He had conceded as he could tell from her look, she was dealing with something, and he knew that she had felt the brunt of Ashley's anger when they had been out and about.
He and the kids had enjoyed the day, letting go of everything that was bothering them and just relaxing and being in the moment. Ashley had been pleasant and happy, smiling more of the day as she teased her brother about his high scores. Sam had been himself, the bubbly happy go lucky kid Tom had missed from before the red flu. It felt good to be a family and to feel like nothing had changed. He knew when they got back to the house everything would change again, but for now he was enjoying the moment.
When they got home it felt good that all three were laughing and smiling as they entered the house. He couldn't wait to share their day with Rachel and the anticipation of seeing her was helping boost his mood. But when he got inside, she was nowhere to be found. He found his father sitting in the living room reading a book.
"Have you seen Rachel?" Tom asked. Jed looked up at him, a tight smile on his face.
"No, she's been gone all day." Tom nodded at his father and pursed his lips. He was beginning to wonder if she had left. He walked to their shared bedroom and glanced inside. Her bag was still there, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He knew he had been difficult to be around these last few days as he had worked on processing his feelings being back in the house. He knew he should have shared that process with her, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Not yet. Not here. The rocky relationship with Ashley wasn't helping either. He knew it was tough on her, but he thought she'd stick it out.
Jed had started cooking dinner again and Tom made his way to Ashley's room. He wanted to talk to her again, since they had both been in better moods today. Maybe they could get through a conversation without screaming at each other. He knocked and then walked in. Ashley looked at him expectantly.
"Can we talk?" Tom asked hesitantly. Ashley slowly nodded and sat up with her legs crossed in front of her. Tom sat at the foot of her bed and stared at the wall.
"What do you want to talk about?" she asked reserved.
"How are you doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean just what I asked. How are you doing…. with everything."
"Daddy," she huffed out and blew a breath at him. Tom closed his eyes.
"I know you're mad at me."
"It's not that, Dad, it's just that…" Ashley started in a small voice. She stopped and Tom waited but she didn't continue as she was lost inside her own thoughts.
"It's what?"
"It's…I felt…I feel…I guess there's a lot of anger inside me."
"I've noticed," Tom said with a chuckle. Ashley gave him a pointed look and Tom held up his hands. "What's causing the anger? Because if we can't find the root of it, we can't make it better."
Ashley paused and pursed her lips. She brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them, her arms wrapping around them tightly. She looked at Tom and he saw the tears build and fall from her eyes. He felt his heart break.
"I…you weren't there when mom got sick. You weren't there when we watched her deteriorate. You came back right after she died…right after, with some miracle cure thing. Sam and I watched mom die," she said the last part in a sob. All the guilt and shame he had felt for not being able to save his wife washed over him again. His feeling of if he would have just shaved a few days off their mission he would not be having this conversation at all flooded him again. He felt tears slip down his face.
"Ashley," he said softly. "I have a lot of the same feelings. Except mine isn't anger. Mine's guilt. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I was days late to save your mother. I carry that around. But I also know I couldn't have changed the timeline. There was no way I could have made it back in time. I'm sorry you and Sammy had to endure all that. I promise you I didn't know what was going on here when I was on the ship. We didn't have any knowledge of what was happening. But I couldn't have changed things even if I did know. I'm so sorry," Tom replied. Ashley soaked in his words and nodded. He had no idea if she drew comfort from his words or not. She looked away.
"Then you finally come home again, and you bring her with you," Ashley said a cold bite to her words. Tom dropped his chin to his chest and sighed.
"I know you don't understand how I could do something like that, but I'm not cheating on your mother, Ashley. Unfortunately, she is gone, and never coming back. I would honestly change that if I could. But I can't."
"So, you just replaced her?"
"No. She's still in my heart. I still love her, but I fell in love with Rachel too. I hope one day you can understand."
"Maybe. I don't know. It's all very confusing to me."
"I know. I get confused too," Tom replied honestly. Ashley watched him but then looked out the window. Tom felt that she was done talking to him and wanted time to be alone. He knew dinner would be ready soon. "I'll leave you alone now. Dinner will be ready soon."
Ashley just nodded and Tom left her room. He joined his dad in the kitchen and sat at the table watching the older man cook. Jed was quiet for a moment before he spoke to Tom.
"Penny for your thoughts, Son?" Tom had to smile. His dad had always been pretty good at ready Tom's moods.
"I feel defeated," Tom mumbled. Jed looked over his shoulder at him.
"In what ways?"
"In every way. I feel like I failed everyone in this family. I couldn't save Darien. I wasn't there when my kids watched their mother die. I fell in love with another woman, and now my daughter hates me."
"She doesn't hate you, she's angry with you. There's a difference." Tom nodded at the point.
"Okay, but still, it hurts to feel that anger. Fuels my guilt."
"Guilt for what?"
"Guilt for not saving Darien. Guilt for abandoning my kids."
"Tom, you never abandoned your kids. Plus, I've been here."
"Different, Dad. And maybe not in the true meaning of the word but it sure feels like it. And I can't fix myself. I'm so damn broken inside that...I just feel like a failure."
"Time and patience will get you through, Son. You have a woman that loves you."
"I know."
They ate dinner in comfortable silence as everyone seemed worn out from the fun day. Ashley was broody but not angry, so Tom declared the day a win. He was sitting in the living room reading when the front door opened, and he expected to see Rachel come in. He felt disappointment rush him when it was Ava Tophet coming in.
"Hey, Mr. Chandler," the young lady greeted him. He set his book down.
"Evening, Ava."
"Is Ashley around?"
"In her room, I think. Is Dr. Scott at your house?"
"Yeah, she's been there most of the day. Her and mom have been talking about stuff."
"Ah, thanks."
"Yep," the teenager said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I'm gonna go find Ash now."
"All right," Tom said absently. As soon as she was out of the room he got to his feet and put his shoes on. He walked over to the neighboring house and paused at the door. Thoughts of everything that had happened the last few days flew through him, and he had a fear rush him that Rachel didn't want to stay with him anymore. He knocked and waited, his heart hammering away. All manners of topics flooded him as he thought about what Rachel and Kelly may have talked about. The door was opening, and Tom tried to reel in his running mind.
"Hi, Tom, come on in," Kelly said after she had the door open. He nodded slowly with a tight smile on his lips. He stepped passed her and she closed the door behind him.
"Excuse me, I have work in the kitchen to do," Kelly said softly then hurried from the room. Tom felt a despair settle over him as he looked at Rachel on the Tophet couch. He stood awkwardly as he didn't know what to do with himself. He watched as Rachel's eyes scanned him briefly before returning to the floor. The silence stretched between them, and fear gripped Tom. Finally, he broke the silence.
"Everything okay?" he asked hesitantly. Those were the only words he could muster. His voice was heavy, and he was struggling to keep the emotion from seeping out. Tears built and he fought hard to keep them in the ducts. Rachel looked up at him briefly then looked away again and he felt his heart break a little more. After a brief pause, she answered him.
"I don't know, Tom," she said quietly. Her voice cracked on the word know. He watched as she swallowed a few times, her eyes blinking back unshed tears. He thought she looked like she was losing the battle. He could see the pain and turmoil brewing in her eyes, her body language, as she fought for control. It broke the frozen feeling he had, and he moved quickly to the couch, sitting down next to her.
He drew her into his arms as the tears slipped down his face. He was so tired of crying, of feeling the despair of the situation. He tucked her tightly to his chest, kissing the top of her head before resting his chin there. He felt Rachel trembled and sob, as his shirt soaked up her tears. His tears fell too, and he stopped trying to fight them. Tom lost himself in the feelings of her pressed against his tired body, the tears they both let go of, and the crush of emotion.
He felt her pull back from him slightly and he released his grip. She looked up at his face. She reached up and ran her hand from his cheek to his jaw and she sniffled. He knew his eyes were riddled with stress and pain, and he saw the same things staring back at him from her eyes. He leaned down and kissed her, needing that physical intimacy, to let her know he was trying. When he pulled back, he pursed his lips and asked a question he seemed to be asking a lot lately.
"Are we okay?" He asked it because he was terrified he was screwing this up. That he would drive her away, she wouldn't wait for him to figure things out and screw his head back on straight. Even though deep down he knew Tex wasn't a threat, there was still the feeling that another man was actively pursuing her, one with much less baggage. He saw her hesitate, and fear gripped him. Did he really just blow this? Was this the point she said she couldn't do this anymore? He sank deeper and deeper into despair as his mind spun a million different scenarios.
"Tom, we need to talk," she breathed out, her voice a barely audible whisper. The words hit him hard, and he felt defeated. His body was suddenly too heavy to hold up and he slumped back against the couch. Fear gripped him.
"I don't want to lose you," his gravelly voice whispered. He hated the despair and fear in his voice. He fought the panic attack threatening to take over his control.
"And you won't, but I don't think our current situation is doing anyone any good and I think it's best if I just stay…"
"No," he cut her off sternly. He felt a bit of the captain in him sit forward and he drew strength from him. No way he thought. He needed her next to him. He heard her sigh and felt a pang of grief hit him.
"Tom, it's not going well and…"
"Rachel," he said, a warning tone in his voice. He didn't like where her thoughts were, and he felt anger brewing inside him. He knew it was irrational, but this wasn't something he wanted to think about let alone discuss. He wanted her here, with him. He didn't want to spend time away from her. He wanted her to be a part of his family damn it.
"Damn it!" she shouted at him, springing to her feet, and pacing around the room. The outburst and anger in her voice startled him. He tracked her with his eyes but stayed seated. He waited her out as she had stunned him. "Do you have any idea how bloody hard this is for me!"
Her words smacked him across the face. He felt guilty for not considering how this was affecting her. He felt stupid that he had not seen he signs that she was starting to crack. He had put too much pressure on the rock and now, it was crumbling. It he continued to push down it was pulverize and he would lose everything. He saw her tears falling again and felt like a complete jackass.
"Oh, Rachel," he whispered as tears flowed again. His voice cracking and heaving. She wiped at her face with an angry fist, smearing her tears around. "I'm sorry, I never…I know this isn't an ideal situation."
"Tom its bloody hell. I should go back to the ship for now."
"No," Tom whispered instantly. He didn't want to be apart from her. He knew it was selfish. He stood up and stepped into her path, stopping her pacing. She looked him in the eye.
"You need to spend time with your kids before we redeploy. I'm causing issues between your daughter and you. I feel like I'm competing with a dead woman for bloody sakes, and I feel like she is winning. I need some space."
"Rachel, please," he pleaded and felt weak.
"You've been doing a good job of ignoring me since that first night when we almost…" her voice faltered, and memories of their almost intimate moment flooded Tom. She didn't continue. Tom reached out and tugged her closer, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her tightly to his chest.
"I'm so sorry. This was harder than I anticipated. Ashley is angry, yes, but she will come around. I promise. She's going to love you just like I do."
"Tom, you can't promise that," she said, her voice muffled against his chest.
"No, I guess I can't, but you hiding away on the ship won't fix it either."
"I'm not leaving you, Tom. I just think we all need some space for right now. We can try again after some time has passed," Rachel said, as she pulled her head back so she could look at him. He let go of her and sat back down on the couch, his legs feeling wobblily. He reached over and latched his hand to hers, pulling her down next to him. She didn't resist and sunk down next to him.
"I don't want you to go," he whispered in an uneven voice. Rachel looked at him, her free hand cupping his face.
"I know. I don't really want to be away from you either, but I really think it's the best scenario for what's going on right now. I think we all need a little space."
"When are you going back?"
"Tomorrow. In the morning, I think. It's too late to drive back now."
"Where will you stay tonight?" Tom asked, feeling defeated, his eyes shinny with unshed tears. He watched Rachel sigh and his heart sank even more.
"I thought maybe here, with Kelly and Ava," she replied. Tom's hopes collapsed as he felt like he was losing her.
"Rachel," Tom began, his voice sounding broken even to him. That feeling of brokenness enveloped his whole being. He watched fresh tears streak down his face, and he grew angry with himself for putting her into an unfair situation. Her eyes dropped from his, and he couldn't talk any more.
"No, Tom, this is what is needed right now. Go home. Be with your children. I'll head back to the ship tomorrow. In a few days you'll be back anyway. Trust me, we need this break," she said, her words sounding forced and unnatural. Tom nodded slowly pain filling his entire being. He stood up from the couch and then paused. Hesitating before he made his next move. He reached down and pulled her to a standing position. He thought about what he could say to her but nothing seemed appropriate. Everything made him sound like a pouting child. He knew there was nothing he really could say that would change anything. She had made up her mind and he would have to deal with it. He leaned down and kissed her slow and sensuously. When he pulled back, he took a deep breath, trying to squelch the turmoil tearing through his system. He sighed in resignation then turned and walked out of the Tophet's front door.
Tom moved slowly back to his own house. He was torn and crushed. She was leaving. She wanted to go back to the ship. He couldn't fully blame her as he knew he had done the wrong thing and internally shut down. The memories on his former life were crowding him and he needed to figure out a way to put it all to rest. He knew he had a lot of baggage to deal with, and he had exactly five days to do it. He told himself he would devise a plan, and when he returned to his ship, he would be ready to commit to her one hundred percent. Time to buckle down and deal with all the areas of his life that were in upheaval at the moment. First on his list was dealing with the loss of Darien and putting her properly where she belongs. He needed to say his goodbyes so she would stop intruding on his presence. He felt a little guilty on feeling that way, but how else was he supposed to move forward. He couldn't change the course that had been taken, all he could do was make sure the course moving forward made him happy. Next on the list was helping Ashley come to terms with her anger at him, and her grief for losing her mother.
Fix those, and let things run their course. He had five days. Five days to fix and mend. He felt up to the task. When the despair reared up again, he pushed it down and locked it away. The journey was definitely in his hands again and he meant to keep it that way. He retired to his room without a word to anyone else and settled himself on the bed. It felt cold and empty as neither woman who had shared this bed with him was around. He let himself cry again, knowing that if he fought it, he would just be prolonging the healing process and right now, he was committed to doing it. At some point his tears dried up and he fell into a fitful sleep.
To Be Continued…
