CHAPTER THIRTY

Tom walked into the living room to find his son standing there looking for him. "What do you need, Sam?"

"Dad," Sam said, and Tom could hear the relief in his son's voice. "Can you help me upstairs?"

"Sure, Sam," Tom said as he followed his son up to his room. Once they were inside Tom looked around. "Looking good so far," Tom said.

"Yeah, can you help put those up there?" Sam asked, pointing to his trophies first then to a shelf that Tom had installed on the wall for him.

"Of course," Tom said as he picked the first trophy up. He looked at it for a moment before he reached for the shelf. "Any particular order?"

"Nah, just get them up there so their neat," Sam replied. Tom nodded and placed the rest of the trophies on the shelf.

"There, all done. Need anything else?"

"Nope," Sam said and the gave Tom a hug. Tom smiled and wrapped his arms around his son. "It's good to be with you again, Dad."

"I agree, Sam," Tom said softly. He then headed back downstairs to the kitchen to check on Rachel. He walked into the kitchen to see his dad sitting with Rachel.

"But I'm proud of him," his dad said as he looked up to see Tom walk in. Tom looked from his dad to Rachel.

"Talking about me? Tom asked warily.

"Were your ears ringing?" Jed asked with a smile before he patted Rachel's hand and stood from the table. "Just have patience, my dear."

Tom thought about what his dad was saying and took in the blotching look of Rachel's face. His heart sank a little as he realized she had been crying and his dad was trying to cheer her up. Rachel nodded at Jed with a smile. Jed then walked away and patted Tom on the shoulder as he walked out of the kitchen. Tom paused for a moment then went to Rachel and leaned over her shoulder wrapping her up in a hug. He felt her lean back against his chest, relaxing. He kissed her gently on the top of the head as he felt a peace wash over him. They both sat there, clinging to the other, in silence for a long time.

Tom heard someone come into the kitchen, but he didn't move. He knew they hadn't discussed how they would act in front of the children, but he didn't want to act any different. This was going to be their life and he needed his children to understand that. Rachel was now a part of their unit, and she was his partner in life. He heard Ashley make a disgusted noise, making it known she was not happy with what she was seeing, but Tom still didn't move. There was too much strength and love in the gesture between him and Rachel to break it now. He wanted Ashley to see that. He did pick his head up and tilt it slightly so he could look at Ashley.

"Hey, Ash, need something?" he asked calmly as he continued to hold Rachel.

"Yeah, to not be here," she said in disgust and Tom felt Rachel sigh a little. He tightened his arms around her, giving her a gentle squeezed to show he knew how she was feeling before he started to release her.

"Sit down at the table. We need to talk," he said as he was free of Rachel and taking a seat next to her.

He stared at his daughter until she finally gave in and complied with his order, a full-on eye roll coming with it. Once he was sure she was sitting in the chair, Tom continued.

"Ash, Rachel and I have some news to share with you."

"Oh great, there's more," Ashley replied in a disrespectful tone. Tom felt his insides bristle at her tone and knew he was going to lose his patience with her. He looked up over her face at the wall and counted down from five, trying to steel his emotions before he continued.

"Yes, there is. First, we all need to get along as we will all be living in this house, under this roof."

"Can't I live down the street with Grampa?" Ashley asked.

"No," Tom said quickly as anger flashed through him again. "Listen, Ash, I want us all to be here, as a family."

"Well, I don't share your sentiment. And she's not my family."

"Actually, she is," Tom replied. He reached over and scooped up Rachel's hand. Her harshness and adamant refusal to see Rachel as family was cutting Tom deep. His daughter continued to glare at him, studying his face, trying to understand what he was saying.

"What, you're getting married?" Ashley asked.

"Not yet," Tom replied, and his quickness and sureness surprised him. He knew that they hadn't discussed marriage, but he was certain in his mind, that he would marry Rachel. He saw Rachel turn and look at him when he said it, and he could only imagine what she was thinking about his response.

"So…" Ashley continued and then her eyes narrowed at Rachel and Tom felt himself bristle again at her hostility.

"Rachel is pregnant," he replied. "You're going to be a big sister again."

"What?" she asked incredulously. "How could you do something so stupid," she snapped at him. Her words hit him, and he stiffened against them. Anger burned through him, and he worked hard to hold back words he didn't really want to say. Rachel was looking at him and he could feel the burn of tears in his eyes. He worked hard to hold them at bay.

"Stop," Tom said in his commander voice. He knew he sounded like he was issuing an order, but he also knew that the cadence and tone of that would catch anyone's attention. Ashley visibly flinched and he felt Rachel reach out and place her hand on his knee. Tom licked at his lips and blinked again willing the tears to hold.

"I can't believe this. No wonder we have to move here and pretend…"

"No one is pretending," Tom snapped at her. He felt regret after he said it, but he also didn't want her running roughshod over both of them. He felt Rachel squeeze the hand on his knee, trying to give him strength to hold the anger back. He leaned forward on the table, causing Ashley to lean back into her chair. "I love you, Ashley, and I love her," he replied pointing a finger at Rachel. "And I love the child she and I are having."

"Great," Ashely said as the tears spilled from her eyes. She crossed her arms defensively over her chest.

"I'm going to go into the other room," Rachel said suddenly standing up. Tom felt a slight panic erupt in him and he reached up and gripped her arm, stopping her.

"Stay here," he said and new it sounded like an order. Inside he cringed as he knew it would backfire on Rachel. She pulled her arm free of his grasp, and the force she did it with stunned him a little.

"I'm going to leave this room," she commanded right back at him, and he felt chastised by her, but he also knew he deserved it. "You two need to stay right here and talk this through. And Tom?" she asked and waited until he looked up at her. Once she was sure she had his full attention she continued. "Talk, not command, not dismiss, but talk to her. Listen to her feelings, her concerns, her anger. You two need this."

With that Rachel got up and walked from the kitchen. He knew she was right, and he knew he needed to follow what she said. When he looked back at Ashley, she was watching Rachel leave, a weird look on her face. Tom waited until they were completely alone. He watched Ashley thinking about something and he took a deep breath to settle himself.

"Why would she say that?" Ashley asked suddenly, and Tom look at her with his eyebrows raised.

"Say what?" Tom asked.

"All that to you about, actually listening to me and not dismissing my feelings."

"Because she cares a great deal about our relationship. She wants you to be happy too."

"Why would she care?"

"Because you're my daughter. Ashley, she loves me deeply. This isn't just a rebound relationship that's going to sputter out in a week."

"I don't understand how you can replace mom so quickly," she said as the tears fell. Tom lost his battle on his own tears and felt them fall down his face.

"I didn't," Tom said his voice breaking. Ashley looked at him with such a broken look that he immediately stood and walked around the table sitting down next to her. He gathered her in his arms and pulled her against his chest. "I'll never be able to replace your mother, Ash, I loved her very much. But she's gone and I've come to terms with that. Then I found Rachel, and it's the same but different. She's not replacing your mother, but she does make me happy."

"I hate it here," Ashely sobbed against his chest.

"You just got here, give it some time," Tom said softly. They were quiet a while as Ashley cried into Tom's chest. He held his daughter and cried with her.

"Another kid, Dad, really?" she said as she pushed away from him. He looked at her and grinned.

"Yes."

"Well, that was a screw up, huh?"

"Ashley," he said in a warning tone. She just stared at him. "It wasn't ideal no, but it's not a mistake and we are happy about it."

"She's not my mom, and never will be," Ashley said.

"I know that, and she knows that. She doesn't want to replace your mom, or for you to ever feel like she's trying. But she can be your friend. And she will be the mom of your younger sibling."

"Have you told Sammy yet?" Ashley asked. Tom shook his head no.

"No, just you and Grampa."

"He may not take it like you think. And I'm still mad at you for all of this."

"What will make it better?" Tom asked.

"I don't know."

"Would you be willing to talk to someone?"

"What like a shrink?" Ashley asked hesitantly.

"Yes, a qualified person to help you," Tom said. "I just think that it's a little out of my league to deal with some of what you are feeling, plus its directed at me."

"I don't know, Dad," Ashley said picking at her sleeve.

"Okay, or you can talk to me now and we can see what we can accomplish?" Tom said. Ashley considered him for a moment. When she didn't say anything, he continued. "Tell me why you're angry, what concerns you about all this, tell me what you're feeling."

"Ew, jeez, Dad," Ashley said as she made a face.

"I want to fix this. I want us to be happy, Ashley, all of us, and I want us all under one rough without it being a warzone."

"I'm angry Mom died instead…" she started then she stopped and looked down at her feet.

"Instead of what?" Tom asked but he had a sinking feeling he knew the answer. His heart was on the verge of shattering.

"Instead of…you. I think it would have been a lot easier for me and Sammy if you had died and Mom had lived," she said starting to cry again. Tom felt himself lose the control on his tears.

"Maybe. Sometimes I wonder why your mother had to die at all. I carry a lot of guilt, Baby," Tom said his voice soft and cracking. She looked at him.

"Guilt?"

"I was a day late and a dollar short as the saying goes. I just missed saving your mother. And believe me if I could go back, I'd speed up that time line just enough to save her."

"You left us just when everything went bad."

"I know, Ash, but I didn't know. They didn't even tell us our real mission when sending us to the Artic. I thought we were doing weapons drills, not searching for something that would save humanity. I didn't know until four months after we were gone what was going on here."

"It's not fair."

"No, it's not. It's not fair that your mother didn't make it. It's not fair you have to grow up without her. Its not fair that your life was turned upside down. If I could change history, I would, in a heartbeat."

"Mom's the one I would go to for help."

"I know that. And just so you know, this isn't a push or anything, kid, but Rachel did lose her mom at a young age too. Maybe you two can help each other."

"Why did you find someone so soon?" Ashley asked through tears.

"I didn't mean to, I promise. It just…happened. All of it. Rachel and I went through a lot together on that ship. And believe me, nothing happened before I found out about your mother," Tom said. He would leave out the attraction, the kiss on the Vyerni, and the hug on the ship. But for the most part he had kept his feelings in check. "Then I found you guys, and learned Darien was dead. I went back to the ship then, to finish the mission."

"So, when did you end up with her?"

"One night I was having a particularly hard time with the death of your mother. I was hiding in my stateroom from the crew because I couldn't keep my emotions in check. She came in to talk to me about something else and…she wouldn't leave."

"Why?" Ashley asked making a face. Tom sat there and contemplated that question.

"Because she knew I was hurting and knew I needed to talk about it. So, she gently forced the issue," Tom said with a smile thinking back. Ashley thought for a moment.

"Kind of like now? With us?"

"Yeah, kind of like now. She just knew I needed…she just knew."

"Dad, I'm still not totally okay with this and I'm still really mad at moving to St. Louis but," Ashley started then stopped. Tom draped his arm over her shoulders.

"But what, Sweetie," Tom asked squeezing her.

"But maybe we can give it a try."

"Do you want to talk to someone about all this? I can set something up?"

"Maybe," Ashley said with a sigh. "It's really difficult."

"I'll set something up. You can at least talk about your feelings from losing mom."

Ashley nodded slowly. Tom felt they had made some progress and he knew his daughter was hurting. Rachel had scored some points in her dressing him down before she walked out. He leaned in and kissed his daughter on the temple before he got up and walked out of the kitchen in search of Rachel. She wasn't in the living room, so he headed up the stairs towards their bedroom.

To Be Continued…