Author's Note: So sorry about the delay! I'm experiencing a bit of writer's block on this one, but I think I've got it worked out, hopefully! So here is the next chapter of the sage. I'm pretty sure this one will be coming to a close shortly! A few more chapters probably! So happy reading! Dark rolling sea.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Tom watched as Sam ran across the front lawns of the other houses on the street. Tom ran after him closing the gap between them slowly. He caught up to him five houses away and reached out and grabbed his son's shoulders. Sam fought him violently, trying to free himself from Tom's grip but Tom held on tightly and then wrapped the boy into a bear hug from behind.
"Let me go!" Sam yelled furiously as he continued to struggle.
"Sammy, please," Tom pleaded with his son. "We need to talk about this."
"Talk about what!" Sam wailed, his voice cracking with the stress. Tom felt heartbroken. He realized he had missed how much his son was hurting. Tom dropped to his knees and took Sam with him, hugging him tightly to his body. Tom felt he tears build and spill as the emotions overwhelmed him.
"I'm not replacing you or your mother," Tom breathed out, his voice breaking with the tears. Sam stopped struggling and Tom could feel the sobs escaping his small body. Tom held him for a long while.
"It feels that way," Sam whispered harshly, and Tom squeezed him tighter.
"It's just like you didn't replace Ashley when you were born. I can love you and the new baby with the same love."
"She's not mom," Sam gasped. And Tom felt his heart break a little more.
"I know that, Sammy, I know. And I never want you to feel like she is taking your mom's spot in your heart."
"But she already did for you," Sam said, the fight draining out of him.
"No, she didn't, Sam. I don't know how to explain it to you that you'll understand until you're older, but I still love your mom very much. I just love Rachel too. Your mom is gone, Buddy, and I can't do anything to change that. I wish I could, I really do, Sam, I would bring her back in a heartbeat and make us a family again."
"With her too?"
"What?" Tom asked confused.
"With mom and Rachel too?"
"No. If your mom was still alive, I'd be with your mom, Sam."
"I don't think I believe you," Sam said, and Tom could hear the anger returning in his voice. Sam started to struggle again.
Tom heard someone approaching them and he turned his head to see his dad cautiously coming up behind him. Tom gave his dad a pleading look and Jed simply nodded. Tom was lost. He didn't know how to help his son; he didn't know what to do to make things better.
"Sam," Jed said softly, and Tom felt Sam still for a moment. "Come back to the house, Sam, so we can talk about this."
"No," Sam wailed. "I hate it there!"
"Give it a chance," Jed asked softly. Tom felt his guts twist. He never imagined Sam would be the hard child in this transition. But it made him realize that that was because he wasn't paying attention. Ashley was more outspoken about her feelings. She made him aware of everything and they were able to talk about it. He was beginning to realize that Sammy had bottled it all up and hid it.
"Come on, Sam," Tom said quietly, as he released his grip a little. "Come back and talk to me about what you're feeling right now."
"I'm mad!" Sam choked out, and began struggling against Tom again. Tom felt Jed put a hand on his shoulder and Tom looked up at his dad. Jed nodded that Tom should let Sam up and Tom sat back on his haunches and released his son completely. Sam laid on the ground for a moment before he sat up and looked at Tom. "How could you?"
"How could I what?" Tom asked completely lost. Sam's face screwed up in anger and Tom felt heartbroken that he had let this get this far. He felt like a failure to his children that he was so wrapped up in his own grief and guilt he failed to see theirs.
"All of it!" Sam wailed again. Tom shook his head back and forth. For the first time he regrated not being at sea. He shook that thought off quickly though and knew it wasn't what he really felt.
"I didn't do it on purpose," Tom said with a sigh. "I mean it just…things just happened, Sam, and I'm not unhappy with how it happened."
"But I am!"
"I know you're hurting right now, Buddy, I know you miss your mom, I know it's painful…"
"You don't know anything!"
"Because you won't tell me," Tom said, his voice cracking. "I'm trying, Sam!"
Sam sat on the grass and hugged himself tightly. Tom could see the turmoil and anger in his young son's eyes. He wondered if they would ever be able to get passed this, as it all felt so overwhelming in the moment.
"Tom," Jed said quietly, and Tom looked up at his dad.
"Yeah," he mumbled as his eyes glanced down at Sam again. Jed didn't say anything, and Tom looked up at him again. The look on his dad's face was crushing for Tom. "Sam, let's go home."
"That's not my home! I can never go home. You made us come here, to your new life."
"It's your new life too, Sam," Tom replied. Sam jumped up from the ground and Tom thought he was going to run off again. But instead, he turned back towards their new house and stormed off. Jed held out a hand and Tom took it as his dad helped him back to his feet.
"This is worse than I thought. I really screwed this up," Tom said as he started to follow his son home. Jed fell into step beside him.
"I was going to talk to you about him. He's been reserved, and sullen for a while now. There's been a lot of anger in him too. But…he won't talk to us about it."
"I noticed that now. I guess I didn't really see how much he was hurting before. I was…distracted."
"You've been through a lot in the last couple years, Tommy," Jed said as he placed a hand on Tom's shoulder. "Don't beat yourself up that you missed this."
"But I'm his dad, Dad," Tom ground out. "I'm supposed to protect him. I'm supposed to keep him happy. I'm supposed to notice when shit like this gets…"
"Stop," Jed said, and Tom did. He stopped walking and talking. Jed turned to face him. "It's understandable for you to miss this right now. You're hurting too. You're figuring things out too. You're…"
"Busy rebuilding my own life and messing up my kid's life."
"No, Tommy, no. You're not, please remember that. Right now, right here? You know now, Tommy, you know. It's what you do in this moment that defines it. Do you understand that?"
"Yes, I think I do," Tom said as he thought about what his dad said. He knew he needed to take this moment and fix it all. It wasn't going to be easy; it wasn't going to be quick. No, he was going to have to hunker down and make this right again. He needed to help his children come through this storm. He reached out and pulled his dad into a hug. "Thanks, Dad."
The two of them walked back to the house as Sam had already stormed in. When Tom came into the living room. He saw Rachel and Ashley on the couch, and it stopped him in his tracks. Ashley was curled up in Rachel's arms, crying. Rachel was giving her comfort.
"I'll talk to Sammy," Jed mumbled as he moved out of the living room following the boy to his room. Tom nodded slowly acknowledging his dad, but his attention was still on Rachel and Ashley. He squatted down in front of them, his hands landing gently on Rachel's knees.
"Hey," he said softly. Rachel smiled at him, and he felt that warmth rush his insides. She was stroking Ashley's back gently.
"Hey," Rachel whispered back to him. Tom smiled at her and then turned his attention to Ashley.
"Everything okay?" he asked. His mind was loving the closeness of the two. He hoped that this meant Ashley was coming around.
"It will be," Rachel said with a sigh. Tom nodded as Ashley pulled her head up. Tom noticed that Rachel loosened her grip on his daughter, but Ashley didn't pull completely away from her.
"Daddy," Ashley said, her voice rough from crying. "Is Sam, okay?"
"I don't know, Sweetheart, he's very…angry right now. Grampa is talking to him," Tom replied honestly. He was trying to figure out what he could say to Sam that would help.
"I told you he wouldn't like this," Ashley whispered. Tom nodded slowly as his hands moved from Rachel's knees to Ashley's. He squeezed his daughter's knees gently trying to convey his love and support to her.
"How are you really feeling about all this?" Tom asked quietly. He knew he needed to continue to keep an open dialogue with both kids as they dealt with the loss of their mother and the changes he was bringing into their lives. Rachel smiled at him after he asked the question.
"I miss Mom," Ashley whimpered, and Tom moved himself to the couch next to Ashley opposite of Rachel.
"I miss her too, Kiddo, but I can't bring her back."
"I know that and it's okay. You tried really hard," Ashley replied. "I know if you could have been there to save her you would have been."
Tom felt that tug of guilt spill over him again. He knew deep down that he couldn't have done anything differently, but it still pained him deeply that he was so close to have saved her. He pushed it down and cleared his mind, refocusing on Ashley. She pealed herself away from Rachel and turned fully into Tom. He wrapped an arm around his daughter. He noticed Rachel went to get up to leave them and his hand darted out and gripped her gently, pulling her back down to the couch.
She looked at him and he shook his head and tilted his chin for her to stay right where she was. They were a family unit and he wanted them to share these moments. He had a good feeling that Ashley was ready for this, and it wasn't going to push her away anymore. He saw Rachel take a deep breath and nod before she settled back next to them. Tom looped his arm around Rachel's shoulders and held the three of them close together.
He thought about what everyone was feeling and how things had changed fairly quickly for his children. He thought about how much his children had endured over the last two years and it broke his heart a little more. It wasn't fair.
"I know you and Sammy miss our old family dynamic," Tom began softly. His thoughts tumbled around in his head. "But I can't bring your mother back. And as much as a struggle it was for me to accept my feelings for Rachel, I understand if you and Sammy need more time for that too. I'm not asking you to act like your mom never existed, and I'm not asking you to act like Rachel is your mom. I'm just asking that you don't go to battle because you don't understand my feelings for all of you."
"I think I get it, Dad," Ashley said softly. "You didn't forget about Mom. But you do love Rachel and she loves you. I can see that. I know there's a lot of baggage for everyone. I'm willing to try. And I can't lie. I'm excited to have a little sibling soon."
"That's great," Tom breathed out, as tears filled his eyes. It made him extremely happy that his daughter was excited about the baby. "Now if we can just get Sammy on board."
"You got to get him to talk, Dad. He's bottling up a lot, keeping it all inside. He's trying to be brave for everyone else, but he's hurting really bad. He misses mom."
"I know, Ash, I know," Tom sighed. He had figured that out today. He felt horrible it had taken him this long to piece it all together. He felt Ashley push up a little and he leaned back to give her space. He noticed Rachel had done the same thing.
"I'm going to my room for a bit," Ashley said and then got up and walked away. Tom watched Rachel scoot over to him and tuck herself into his side, laying her head on his shoulder. Tom wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in tightly. They sat there for quite some time before he spoke again.
"I never expected it to be this hard," he whispered to Rachel as the emotions tumbled around inside him.
"It's going to be okay," Rachel said as she put a hand on his jaw. Tom nodded slowly, believing in her words.
"I was so wrapped up in my own grief and guilt that I failed to see my kids' grief."
"Do you feel guilty about that?" Rachel asked. Tom thought about her question. He wasn't sure if it was guilt or something else. He just knew he felt like a failure.
"I'm not sure. I feel like…I failed them."
"You haven't failed them yet, Tom," Rachel replied. "But you need to realize that the job is far from done."
"I'm realizing this," Tom sighed out. He kissed the side of Rachel's head, as she leaned into him some more. They both looked over as Jed came into the living room. Tom watched his father pause a moment, a look of defeat on his face.
"I couldn't get him to talk to me," Jed said, his voice full of disappointment. Tom kissed Rachel on the side of the head again before he pushed himself up from the couch.
"I'll see what I can do," Tom said with a tight smile. Rachel nodded slowly at him as he turned and walked out of the living room and towards the stairs. Tom made the slow climb to the top, wondering what he was going to say to his son. He decided to let Sam dictate the conversation and hopefully he could get the boy to open up.
He paused at the closed door then knocked lightly before opening it up. He poked his head in to see Sam on his bed crying into his pillow. Tom's heart shattered and he wanted nothing more than to take all the pain and sorrow out of his son. He'd give anything in that moment, to make his son whole again.
"Sammy," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "We need to talk about this. Please."
"I don't want to," Sam wailed, and Tom sat down on the bed next to him. "Why did mom have to die?"
"I don't know, I wish I could fix it."
"I want her back, Daddy, I want her back so bad," Sam cried. Tom laid down next to Sam and wrapped him in a hug. He pulled him close, and Sam turned into his chest and clung to him tightly.
"I know, Sammy, I know," Tom murmured. He sat there holding his son, as Sam cried. Tom cried along with him. After a long time, Tom noticed that Sam had quieted down. Tom stroked his hand up and down Sam's back, soothing him.
"Dad?" Sam asked quietly. Tom kissed the top of the boy's head.
"Yeah?"
"Why did you replace her already?"
"Sammy, I didn't. I don't know how to get you to understand that. I still love you mom, but she's gone. Rachel…she makes me happy, just like you and Ashley do. She helped me in my worst moments. She and I…we've been through a lot together and it just…happened."
"She's not my mom."
"And we both know that and understand that. But she is a part of this family now. I'm going to marry her, and she's having my baby, your sibling."
"I don't want a sibling," Sam pouted.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Sam. I think you'll make a great big brother."
"I want to go back to before. I want to be a family like before."
"That's impossible, Kiddo. I can't make that happen. You understand that right?"
"I do, but it still sucks."
"I know it does. I know. And I'm really sorry I didn't see how much this was affecting you until now. I'm sorry I didn't notice how much losing your mom was hurting you."
"I wanted you to stay after we came back from Baltimore, but you left, like you always do."
"I'm sorry, Sam, I really am. I know you needed me, but I had a duty…"
"To the Navy. I know. It still hurt."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Mom always made it all better, and now she's gone, and no one is making it all better," Sam said as fresh tears slipped down his face. Tom pulled him into a hug again.
"I'm trying," Tom said gently. They sat and cried together again for a long while. Tom simply held his son and let the emotions wash over him. He had no idea how much time had passed but he noticed that Sam had fallen asleep in his arms. He shifted a little and laid Sam in his bed and covered him up. He stayed a while longer, sitting next to his sleeping son, watching him, hoping this had been the first step in the journey.
To Be Continued…
