Authoress' Notes: This is a story focusing on Kannan and her thoughts during her ordeal. I've seen a few fics on her and they portray her as emotionally weak, I thought the opposite and well this is the result. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Do I wish I owned Sanzo, of course. Sadly I will never have him or Saiyuki. The boys rightfully belong to Kazuya Minekura.

Strength

By: AShauni

I can't feel anything anymore. My mind is thankfully numb now. I can almost block it out and if I try really hard I can forget it and pretend that this is some horrible dream. That I will wake up in a cold sweat and Gonou will comfort me and let me cry in his arms.

The hard concrete is cold and unforgiving on my battered body. They gave me a cot but I refuse to use it...he used it once to play with me. This cell is dark and so very suffocating. The cold floor will not let me have my dream, it brings me back to reality, but I still refuse to use the cot.

I believe that Gonou will come for me. I know that with all my heart. He will kill this entire clan for me. So much blood will be shed for me...

And then he will take me in his arms and... and what Kannan , I ask myself. Do I actually think we can live happily ever after. Do I really think that I can go back to the way things were?

Oh God, I'm actually crying again. I told myself I wouldn't cry anymore.

I can't let him hold me...not after everything that I've done...everything that has been done to me...

I think that I'm carrying the spawn of that monster in my womb. Gonou, I tried to be strong and wait for you, but I just can't live like this. I refuse to leave this place with you and still let that monster haunt me, haunt us. I don't think even with your love I can ever forget this place and what has happened to me. I don't want to be a shell for the rest of my life, I don't want to be bitter and angry. You deserve better than that, someone who can fully give you everything they possess. And ...I just can't do that anymore Gonou.

I've made up my mind Gonou, the first chance I get I'm going to end my life and the life of the...thing growing inside me. Even when you come for me, you can't save me Gonou. I have to be strong and end this. You have to be strong and let me.