You'll notice we'll start to explore some of Mahiru's more 'yandere'-type feelings and thoughts, and that could be for better or for worse...

Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.


Chapter 4. Jealousy

After the first day of classes, Mahiru calls her family again to let them know how everything is going, though she's certain to leave out all necessary details about her confusing feelings.

But in spite of all of that, she does her very best to continue getting to know Karen better, and trying to get closer to her as a friend.

By the end of her first week, Mahiru has grown accustomed to her class schedule and gotten to know all of her classmates' names. There are a handful she's taken an interest in due to their skills, mainly the ones she'd admired on the day of the entrance exam.

Of course this included Claudine, whom Mahiru had hoped against hope might take an interest in becoming her friend, too. But from what she can discern, Claudine already has quite the fanbase of admirers, not just in the first-years, but also many of their upperclassmen have taken a liking to her right away.

And not only her, but Tendo Maya as well. In fact, Maya probably gains even more people's attention than Claudine does, because she draws the attention of Claudine herself.

In every class they have together, whenever Mahiru tries to glance Claudine's way, she always seems to be looking at Maya. Whenever a teacher asks for volunteers, Maya and Claudine are the ones to raise their hands, and in dance practice the two of them are very quickly understood to be designated partners.

Mahiru doesn't want to interfere, but she can't help feeling sad. After what she thought was her connection with Karen had been immediately squashed within only a few days, it felt as though she'd now lost Claudine as well. And even though she knows it's horribly selfish of her to think that way, it still stings.

As soon as she'd thought she could have her kind and amiable roommate all to herself, she'd discovered Karen had someone else in the back of her mind.

And as soon as she'd thought Claudine might want to get close to her, she'd discovered she had an unwavering interest in Maya.

It was disheartening to the point where Mahiru didn't want to try making any more friends, because she just assumed they'd already have someone even closer to them than she could ever be.

I'm just not interesting enough… or pretty enough… and my personality is awful…

She thinks such things, and yet she continues smiling and laughing with Karen on a daily basis, which only makes her feel more and more jumbled up inside.

She really does like Karen, at least as a friend. But some foolish, foolish part of herself keeps hoping it might somehow, someday turn into something more.

That is, until their second week of classes...

Mahiru and Karen return to their dorm that evening after showering, with Karen already yawning.

"Huuuu what a day! It was still really fun, but I'm ready for bed!"

"I agree." Mahiru crosses the room to her desk to pack up all her books and supplies in her bag for tomorrow. But when she turns around again, her slipper gets stubbed on the edge of Karen's suitcase, and she stumbles a little.

"Ah!"

"Waah!" Karen is close enough to dive in and catch her, which sends Mahiru's heart into a flurry. Karen helps her find her balance again and pats her shoulder a few times. "S-Sorry about that, Mahiru-chan!"

"It's all right. But haven't I told you a dozen times you need to put away your suitcase by now?"

"You're right! You did! I'll put it away right now!" After clasping her hands together and bowing in apology, Karen whirls around and crouches down to grab her suitcase to begin stuffing it underneath her bed.

Mahiru is relieved to finally have it out of the way. As she sits down on her bed and begins brushing through her hair for the night, she reflects on the lessons she'd had today.

We started doing dialogue reading… but my voice is still so quiet… I've got to get better at projecting…

As she delves into her own thoughts, she doesn't notice right away when Karen comes to a sudden stop in her efforts of shoving her suitcase away. It takes Mahiru a moment to blink and notice that her constantly active roommate has suddenly become still.

"Karen-chan? What's the matter?"

Karen stiffens a bit, as though Mahiru's voice has drawn her back into reality.

"Ahhh, it's just… Aha, I guess I forgot to unpack this last week."

Mahiru watches as she reaches into her suitcase and removes a handheld picture frame. Mahiru's chest tightens, but she steels herself.

When Karen turns the frame around, it reveals a photograph of two young girls sleeping with their shoulders together, and their hands entwined. It's very obvious that one of the girls is Karen, not just because of the fact that it came from her suitcase, but because of the girl's features, style of dress, and the telltale crown hairpin.

The other girl is one Mahiru has never seen before. She's wearing a cute blue dress and has long black hair, even at such a young age. And in her hair is also a hairpin, one of glittering gold stars.

A lot of emotions rush through Mahiru at that moment, and she just has to hope the expression on her face doesn't become twisted. At the very least, she tries to keep her voice level.

"Ah, Karen-chan, you were so cute!"

Focus on Karen. Maybe if you don't mention her, that other girl will go away…

"Really? Eheehee, thanks, Mahiru-chan!"

Mahiru plasters on a smile, but her eyes wander directly to the other girl in the photo.

No! Why am I thinking such horrible things?! It's not a bad thing that Karen-chan had another friend! And they were close enough to get matching hair pins and hold hands together…

She really hates feeling like this, especially toward someone she's never even met. She knows she has no right feeling so possessive about Karen when they'd only known each other for such a brief amount of time.

I'm only trying to hold onto her because she's nice to me. I don't want to share her with anyone else…

"S-So then," Mahiru says. "What about that other girl…? Was she a friend of yours?"

Karen blinks, and her smile fades away. She brings a hand up behind her head and scratches her hair.

"Ahh… actually, I don't really remember that much. It was such a long time ago…"

Mahiru feels a twinge in her chest. She remembers the name Karen had called her on their first day.

"Could it be… that girl is Hika-"

"Either way!" Karen says. "I always kept this picture on my desk at home, and I just felt like I needed to bring it with me here too!" She gets up and walks to her desk, placing the picture frame off to one side, right next to the purple handkerchief where she always puts her hairpin. In the photograph, the pin looks a bit too big for her. But now that she's older it fits her perfectly.

Karen removes that pin from her hair now and places it in its spot on the desk for the night. She then turns back to her suitcase and continues putting it away without another word.

Mahiru doesn't say anything either. She just continues brushing her hair in silence, refusing to let her eyes wander back to that photo. A few moments later, Karen turns off the lights, then gives a small dive onto her bed.

"Ahhh~" she sighs, sounding as chipper as ever. "Time for bed! Goodnight, Mahiru-chan!"

Mahiru slowly puts her brush away and climbs into bed.

"Mm. Night, Karen-chan."

As Mahiru curls up in bed tonight, she turns away from Karen, clutching the blankets to her chest. She doesn't feel angry or upset or dejected. Rather, the feeling that fills her now is something hollow and plain.

She should've known. Somewhere deep down, she probably had known already, but she'd kept refusing to acknowledge it until now.

That she could never be as special or as close to Karen as she wants to be.

That she could never be what 'Hikari' was to her, no matter how hard she might try.

Did she only come up to me that day because I look like her…?

The thoughts are dark and bitter, which is a part of herself Mahiru had never known before - not like this. She doesn't like it.

N-No! Gosh, what am I thinking…? Karen-chan's a nice girl! She saw I didn't have a partner, and so she stepped up to help me. It's not a bad thing if she has someone else she's very close to. I don't even know this Hikari or what she is to Karen-chan now... Karen-chan seems to have suppressed her memories of her. That girl might not even be alive anymore…

Mahiru shakes herself off and buries her face into her pillow. It's all too much to think about, and it's all too confusing.

I'm not even sure how I really feel about her… Of course I like her, and I want to be friends with her! But… I think I like her more than that… Even though she has someone else she's always thinking about… Ah! But that's so unfair of me to think that way! Karen-chan is such a nice person!

It feels as though her head and her heart are about to burst. She hates this. She hates herself.

Why can't I just be normal…?

Mahiru's throat burns as she curls herself more deeply into her pillow. She stifles the hiccups as she softly cries herself to sleep.


The next day, Mahiru and Karen go about their classes as per usual.

Mahiru does her best to push all of her complicated feelings about Karen to the bottom of her heart. She just wants to have a normal relationship with her; as roommates and classmates, and nothing more.

And Karen continues being her bright and cheerful and occasionally clumsy self, sometimes turning the wrong way in a dance routine or blurting out the wrong answer during a lecture. But her passion for theatre is just as bright as anyone else's, and definitely greater than Mahiru's herself. Mahiru just wants to enjoy this school life with her, and worrying about troubling feelings is only going to get in the way of that.

But it still stings every night when Mahiru catches Karen gazing at the photo on her desk. Even though she knows it shouldn't sting.

It's just because I'm jealous, and I have no right to be.

If only she could find some way to stop feeling like this.

She does her best to focus on her classes and her lessons, and to only acknowledge the happier feelings regarding Karen. Perhaps she spends a little too much time thinking of her roommate. It causes her to space out more than once in class.

And it happens again today when they're in the middle of a dialogue reading.

Mahiru had only been mindlessly following the script, but doesn't realize when her part has come up. As Hoshimi Junna finishes her lines, there's a pause. The teacher speaks up.

"Who has the part of Mary?"

"Ah!" Mahiru squeaks. "I-I'm sorry! That's me!"

"Go ahead, then."

"R-Right!" Mahiru fumbles to scan her script for the right spot, not wanting to get scolded for not following along.

Ahhh where are we, where are we-?

Just then, her panicked thoughts are interrupted by a small cluttering sound. A few desks away from her, Claudine leans over to pick up the fallen contents of her pencil case.

"Sorry about that," she says.

By some chance, Mahiru catches her eye. Claudine blinks a her four times. With a gasp, Mahiru looks back at her script to the fourth paragraph and locates her lines.

"'O-Oh,'" she reads, still a bit embarrassed. "'If it's your brother you seek, I'm afraid he hasn't been home since yesterday…'" She can already tell her voice is pathetically weak, and she trails off at the end. The next person picks up their part much more strongly, and Mahiru deflates back into her seat.

What am I doing…

For the remainder of the class, whenever her parts come up, Mahiru can't seem to speak any louder like she wants to. She puts on what she knows must be a pitiful performance for a student at a theatre school. She's praying for class to just end so she can have an excuse to leave.

When the final bell finally does ring, Mahiru all but jumps up from her seat. Everyone bows to their teacher and starts filing out. Mahiru naturally looks around for Karen and finds she's scampered over to several of their other classmates to chat.

"Daiba-san, Daiba-san! Is it true you helped Class B write up some of these scenes?"

"Yes, that's right! And Hoshimi-san gave me a few pointers, too!"

"Wow! That's awesome!"

Mahiru had just wanted to go back to her room with Karen and forget the day had even happened, but she doesn't want to ruin Karen's fun with other people. So while once again feeling as though she's about to cry, Mahiru picks up her bag and begins heading for the door. But before she can get there, she hears a familiar voice.

"Just a moment, Tsuyuzaki-san."

Mahiru freezes, quickly wipes her sleeve over her eyes, and then slowly turns around. Claudine is standing there with a friendly smile on her face.

"Ah!" Mahiru bows her head. "Saijou-san, thank you for earlier."

"Hm? Why is it that every time I talk to you, you're either apologizing or thanking me for something? I didn't do anything."

"But you did!" Mahiru insists. "When I couldn't find my spot in the script, you dropped your pencil case to cause a distraction and pause the reading for a moment, and then you told me which paragraph we were on. So it gave me just the perfect amount of time to find the spot before anyone could realize I'd lost my place…"

Claudine blinks, clearly surprised her tactics had been recognized.

"You sure are observant, aren't you?"

"N-Not really…"

"Of course you are. You're very considerate of other people, Tsuyuzaki-san."

"I don't think so…"

"And that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Huh…?"

Claudine waves her over away from the door. Mahiru hesitantly follows. Claudine leads her to a quiet corner of the room, where no lingering classmates will be able to overhear them.

"Maybe I'm just being pushy again," she begins. "But I was wondering if maybe you'd like some help with your voice."

"My voice…?"

"Your volume," Claudine clarifies. "I know it might not be easy to follow the exercises we do in class. When everyone is watching and listening to you, you start to feel self-conscious, like they're judging you. So maybe you'd feel a bit more comfortable if it was just one other person with you. If you'd like, I could give you some pointers."

Mahiru blinks, almost finding it difficult to believe what's happening right now.

"Huh…? You'd… want to help me…?"

"Bien sur!" Claudine says. "Of course it's just me being nosy, but I thought you could use a bit of a confidence boost."

"Confidence…" Mahiru isn't sure why, but her eyes wander back to Karen, still chatting away with Junna and Nana. "I'm not sure that's possible…"

"Anything is possible!" Claudine assures her. "With a bit of hard work and dedication, that is. Not all of us are born with the innate talent like some people."

Mahiru glances back at Claudine, only to find she's sent a narrowed glare across the room. Tendo Maya is just exiting. Claudine promptly returns her attention to Mahiru.

"So only if you don't think it'd be a bother, and only if you've got the time. But I'd be happy to help in any way I can."

"R-Really…?" Mahiru still can't believe it, that someone as busy and popular as Saijou Claudine would offer to help her out.

I must really just be that pathetic, huh…? Ah! Th-There I go again! That's not it! She's just a really nice person who wants to help!

Frustrated once again at her self-deprecating thoughts, Mahiru blurts out her answer.

"Okay!" Her voice comes out louder than usual. Claudine blinks, then smiles.

"There! I knew you had it in you. It's just a matter of making it comfortable for you to use that kind of voice."

"D… Do you really think I can do it? Even someone like me…?"

"What do you mean, 'someone like you'? I'd say it's possible because it's you, Tsuyuzaki-san!"

"E-Eh?"

Claudine has a determined spark in her eyes now.

"Someone as quiet and observant as you definitely has a lot to say. And you should be able to say it with confidence for all the world to hear."

For whatever reason, those words remind Mahiru of her grandmother and her family, of the people who wanted her to succeed and be happy more than anything else.

If they could see me now and see just how much of a mess I've become, they'd all be sad…

She doesn't want to be like this. She doesn't want to be hesitant - in her acting or with her feelings. She wants to change. She wants to be better.

"Okay!" she says again, a bit more levelly this time. "I'll do my best, s-so please take care of me, Saijou-san!"

Claudine's smile brightens.

"Wonderful! This will be beneficial for the both of us."

"I hope so… I don't want to be wasting your time…"

"Nonsense." Claudine offers out her hand, and it takes a moment for Mahiru to muster up the guts to accept it. Once she has, she finds Claudine's grip is as warm and secure as the first day she'd arrived at the dorms.

Claudine leads her across the room to where Karen is still talking to the others and clears her throat.

"Ahem. Pardon me, Aijou-san? I'll be borrowing your roommate this afternoon."

"Huh? Oh, Saijou-san!" Karen beams. "Mahiru-chan, you're practicing with her? That's so neat! Maybe I'll do some extra practice, too! Daiba-san, Hoshimi-san, do you wanna come?"

"Sure! That sounds fun!"

"As long as we have time to get our homework done, then sure."

"Yay!"

With that, the afternoon is decided. Mahiru watches Karen scamper off with Hoshimi Junna and Daiba Nana while waving at her and promising to see her at supper. Mahiru watches them go, until she realizes she and Claudine are the only two left in the classroom. After a moment, Claudine gives her a bit of a tug and flashes her a smile.

"Well then, Tsuyuzaki-san, shall we?"

"Ah! Y-Yes!"

And so Saijou Claudine leads her off by the hand.

And though Mahiru is still a bit disbelieving, her heart gives a bound of excitement as she follows.


A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this different kind of Seishou, where the girls' interactions are different from my usual. It's refreshing to have the main be Mahiru, and to consider her feelings for Karen, and consider how Karen feels about Hikari. And for Mahiru to consider her feelings for Claudine, and Claudine's feelings about Maya. Just a different mix than the usual!

And now... after-school private lessons together?!

Please review!