A/N: I figured I might as well update it SOMETIME, and I did. How happy are you for me, or what? Did that make any sense? I never make sense.
Disclaimer: Owneth notteth You'veth Gotteth Maileth OReth Harryeth Pottereth. Soundeth liketh somebodyeth hath a lispeth.
Plot: This is based on You've got Mail, a story where two cyberspace buddies (boy and girl, of course) fall in love, even when they don't know each other's names. But in real life, they are actually total enemies who can't even stand each other at all. I put some stuff right out of the movie into this, but other stuff I just added. I hope you like it.
"I can't believe I'm doing this."
"What do you think she's going to look like?"
"Padfoot, you're not supposed to say that," James complained, exasperated as he and Sirius walked down a street in Hogsmeade, heading towards the Three Broomsticks. "You're supposed to say, 'James, I know you can do this, it's going to be fine. Besides, if she's ugly, then you can always just dump her.' Try that."
"Prongs, you know that I'm shallow." Sirius scratched his ear as he kicked the snow on the ground. He looked at James, who was feeling really nervous and annoyed. "But – I know you can do this. Just don't break her heart."
"No! What if she looks like an owl?" James cried. "Okay, I'm going back!" He whipped around and started to head back towards Hogwarts, but Sirius grabbed his arm.
"You're going to go in there and act like a man, Prongs. If not, then I will go in there myself and successfully seduce the girl on the spot," he threatened, his eyes narrowing. "I will not be ashamed of my friend. Repeat after me…"
"I will not go in there. I'm too scared. I admit! The sorting hat shouldn't have put me in Gryffindor! I'm too wimpy!" James nervously tugged at a string in his jacket. "I'm going back…" he turned around again and started towards the school.
"You go back to Hogwarts and stand this girl up, James…" Sirius thought for a moment and smiled. "And I'll tell Evans that you have a blow-dryer."
"You wouldn't dare!" James whirled around and whipped out his wand, brandishing it in front of Sirius's face threateningly. "You tell Evans about the dryer, and I'll tell Bailey that you sleep in – "
"You tell Bailey anything about what I wear to bed and I go straight to Dumbledore with – "
"Fine!" James sighed, exasperated. "I'll do it! But you owe me, big time."
The two boys put away their wands, breathing hard. They glared at each other, but then suddenly Sirius started to smirk. They both laughed uneasily at each other after realizing that they were acting like idiots.
"I'll still be really annoyed, however, if she ends up looking like a mailbox or something."
"Or what if she's Nenny? I'd laugh," Sirius said, half-joking, half-serious. "That would be the funniest thing ever, finding out that your soul-mate is your girlfriend. But really, I wish you'd break up with her. The girl drives me mad."
"If this girl is better-looking than Nenny, then I will break up with her," James declared as they turned a corner. The Three Broomsticks was nearing closer.
"Which one, the Irish girl or Nenny?" Sirius asked.
"Nenny."
"Okay, she said that she'd meet me in the Three Broomsticks," James babbled, "and she'd be sitting at a corner table with a book and a rose."
"How in the name of Merlin did you get to know this girl, anyhow?" Sirius queried, scratching his shoulder. "And how come you didn't even tell me until now?"
"I met her three or four years ago through some pen-pal service," James explained, undoing the top button on his shirt, "and I didn't tell you because you'd make fun of me."
"I never would make fun of you for something like that!" Sirius defended, looking outraged. James raised an eyebrow. "Okay, maybe I would," Sirius grumbled, grinning slightly afterward.
"Exactly. But we talked basically about nothing – " James continued.
"Sounds fascinating, your love story is about nothing."
"It is. And we decided to finally meet."
They stopped suddenly, staring up at the pub.
"Well, we're here!" Sirius rang out cheerfully.
"I am well aware of that, Padfoot," James grumbled, losing his nerve yet again.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Sirius asked impatiently. "The Russian Circus? We don't have all day, you know!"
"Erm, Padfoot?" James asked apprehensively.
"Yes, Prongs," Sirius said, switching to his voice that he used when talking to very stupid little children.
"You want to check for me? You know, just look in the window for a girl with a book and a flower…I'm kind of worried." He smiled eagerly at Sirius, who guffawed.
"Just say it, Prongs, you're shallow. Very, very, very shallow." He sniggered again, slapping James on the back, who squawked in protest at this label. "But there's nothing wrong with that," Sirius added hastily, "because I'm just as shallow as well. And because you're just like me, I will oblige happily." He strolled up to the window and started glancing around.
"Sirius, I cannot thank you enough for doing this for me," James declared, kicking up snow and watching it hit passersby. "I'll do almost anything for you. You name it. I'll polish your shoes, I'll keep all your secrets –"
"What, you don't keep my secrets? Forget about trusting you ever again!" Sirius exclaimed, attempting a death glare at James.
"Sirius. Back to the window…" James turned his finger around in a circle, so as Sirius would get the point.
He turned back and started suddenly. He leaned closer to the window, and then turned around with a grin on his face that James interpreted as phony. "Say Prongs, didn't you say one time that you thought that Lily Evans was attractive?"
"Who cares about Lily Evans at a time like this? Yes, I think she's attractive," James admitted impatiently. "But that doesn't matter, I don't care about Evans. But did you see Irish?"
"If you don't care about Lily Evans, then you aren't going to care about this girl, James," Sirius said slowly.
"Why?" James asked jerkily.
"Because the girl you're in love with is Lily Evans," said Sirius, with all the frankness he could offer.
James started snickering. "You're joking. Nice one, Sirius, but not that funny. Now turn around and look for her. You're getting me down." He rolled his eyes. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood, or else I would've really abused you for bad taste in jokes."
"James, I'm not joking. I'm dead serious, because Irish is Lily Evans. She's reading a book, she has a rose… look for yourself." He pointed to the window.
James leapt up and sprang towards the window. He looked in and gasped. There sat Lily, reading her book, Pride and Prejudice.
"No! Wait! Surely there must be another girl that has a book and a flower – no – no – it can't be!" He glanced around from every girl he saw, but the ones that had flowers were with blokes already, and the ones with books didn't have flowers.
James felt sick. "I feel sick."
Sirius glanced at him. "You're green, too," he observed, "You want to go back? I could wreak some havoc and somehow manage to close the Three Broomsticks, and you would've had to cancel your little love-nest meeting anyway."
James sank into the snow, soaking his pants. "Irish is… is… Lily Evans…" he repeated weakly.
Sirius stared at him, thinking. Then he started abruptly. "Pretend."
James glanced up at him. "Huh?"
"Pretend," Sirius repeated, circling James sitting in the snow. "Pretend that your cheeks are not wet, that you're not cold, that you have never met Lily Evans… pretend, Prongs."
"Why?" James asked, bewildered. "I can't exactly do that, Padfoot, you see, it's kind of hard to forget that your bum is very cold and that the girl you dislike strongly is your pen pal."
"So pretend. Remember when you first met?" Sirius stopped in front of James.
"No."
"So make it up. Pretend you never met, and act like you two are going to be friends," Sirius advised. "Pretend."
"Sirius, I can't, I won't, and I don't have any desire to pretend that I never met this girl," James said, exasperated, waving his hands and tossing some snow at Sirius.
Sirius shrugged. "You asked for my advice." He threw a snowball at James, which knocked his glasses off.
"You know what? Your advice stinks." James tackled Sirius, who yelped, "Just go in there, then!"
James stopped, and sighed. "I do owe it to Irish… Stag does, anyway."
James went in and saw Lily, who was just refusing somebody to take her extra chair she had. "No, no, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for somebody to come," she said, looking up and making eye-contact with James. She immediately opened her book and started reading it once again.
James strolled right over to the table. "Well, well, well," he said, stopping by Lily, "Lily Evans."
She waved a hand at him, eyes still on her book.
"Mind if I sit here?" He started to pull out the chair opposite of Lily, who immediately grabbed it.
"Yes! Yes, I mind. Don't sit there," she said hastily. There was an edge of annoyance in her voice.
"Well, well, well. Pride and Prejudice, right? I bet you read that every chance you get, Evans," James said snidely. "I bet you just love that Mr. Darcy… and… and… what's-her-face, whoever that is, and you're just hoping that they're going to get together, although you've read that book time after time after time after time!"
"Potter…" Lily said warningly.
"I won't stay long," James said, taking the chair and sitting down. Madam Rosmerta glanced over and called to James, "Say James, would you care for anything? A nice butterbeer, perhaps?" She eyed Lily. "You too, Lily?"
"No thank you," Lily called, throwing James a look, "and nothing for Potter here, either. He is not staying."
"Yes I am," James said abruptly. "What makes you think that I'm not staying?" He asked, insulted. "Bring us two butterbeers, please," he called. He turned to Lily. "Just common courtesy for me to bring us both some butterbeers," he explained.
"First of all, you just said you wouldn't stay," Lily began, "And second, I am saving that spot for somebody."
"No, I said that I wouldn't stay long," James defended. "I believe there is a difference. Who's this man of yours?"
"Somebody totally and completely unlike you," Lily said happily, "he is funny, he has the most wonderful sense of humor, he is kind, he is sensitive, he somehow always knows when I need some love, and he is the most wonderful person you will ever meet," she counted off, smiling off at the doors, as if waiting for a superhero to come flying through the doors and rescue her from talking to James.
"There's one flaw he has," said James, disgusted, "he. Is. Not. Here."
"But he will be."
"But he's not right now," said James simply. "Too bad, you'll have me for company. Not that I'm bad company," he added. He glanced at the book again. "How's old Pride and Prejudice?"
"Elizabeth Bennett is the name of the heroine in the story," she told James, "and she is one of the most amazing and complex characters ever written, not that you would know anything about good literature," she added sarcastically, sending him another glare.
"Actually, I've read Pride and Prejudice," replied James. "A very good read, in fact. I just simply forgot Elizabeth's name, but that doesn't mean that I haven't read good literature."
Lily looked surprised. "Really? You read that?" she asked.
"Yes, and if you knew me better then you'd realize that I'm not all that bad, Evans," James retorted.
"But if I already knew you, I know what I'd find," snapped Lily, "I would find a golden snitch instead of a brain, and ashes mixed with Galleons for the body inside." She smirked at James.
"You're not very kind," James stated.
"You weren't kind to me either a few weeks ago, but you don't see me declaring it," said Lily, glancing over at Rosmerta.
"Yes, you did," James said, "and then you punched me in the face. It hurt, as I recall," he said sarcastically, stroking his chin thoughtfully.
"Leave, please," Lily said quietly, staring at James intently. "I beg of you. Leave."
James nodded and went over to get the butterbeers. He came back and handed one to Lily. "Your butterbeer, Evans," he said, and sat in a chair behind her.
"Thank you for the butterbeer, and thank you for leaving," she told James, who nodded and began to drink.
He turned around after downing his butterbeer. "Still not here, eh?" he glanced at the door.
"No, and I wish you would keep out of my own personal business."
"Try not to, but I can't help it. It's fate, I tell you," James said half-seriously. He looked at the doors again and saw Sirius walk in. "Think it's Sirius?"
"I'd rather it wouldn't be him," replied Lily, sighing. When Bailey walked in behind him, Lily heaved a sigh of relief.
"What if he's your boyfriend, old what's-his-face?" James asked casually, stirring his butterbeer with his wand.
"Why are you doing this?" Lily asked, sounding extremely perturbed. "Is it your idea of fun to tell me how bratty I am, and then taunt me and pretty much just torture me? I don't find this funny at all, Potter."
James looked down into his glass. I didn't find it funny that you're Irish, he thought, staring into the bottom of the butterbeer.
Lily continued, "Potter, it would make me happiest if you left. People might not be able to remember me, but those who do will remember that I was kind, fun, and a fine person. You are nothing but a robe."
James felt crestfallen. "That's my cue," he said, and left.
A/N: Geeze, I'm glad they finally met. I thought this chapter would never come. Yeah, I'm lazy. Whatever. Anyway, I'll try to update sooner! Thanks for reading!
-Jade
