A/N: Hehehehehe, I'm on a cranberry high! Another random fic from yours truly. I guess I'm going to write this when I need a break. Or I've eaten cranberries. Whatever.

Disclaimer: J.K.R. writes her Voldemort who wants to become supreme ruler of the world. I write my Voldemort who wants fluffy slippers.


Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning to the sounds of birds chirping cheerfully and warm rays of sunlight streaming in through the gap of my curtains. I killed the birds and wrenched my curtains shut. I hate Mondays. Then I went for a shower, because, unlike my arch nemesis Harry Potter, I DO take showers! Anyway, as I looked in the mirror I kind of wondered if I had overdone the snake thing just a little bit. My nose is so ugly and flat! Eew! And if I'm a snake-person, why do I have cat eyes? Mental note – see plastic surgeon and optometrist.

Love… er, I mean From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Didn't do much today. Told McNair to kill the Prewetts. He told me we already have. Wondered a bit about the meaning of life. I asked Crabbe if he knew what it was, he blinked and kept picking his feet. Then I asked Avery, and he told me I should forget it and start scheming on ways to kill Harry Potter again. Damn kids. Every time I try to get him, he somehow escapes. Stupid mother. Stupid love. Stupid priori incantatem. Stupid Dumbledore.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Today I worked out the meaning of life! Well, my life anyway. To kill Harry Potter! Mua ha ha! It worries me just a little bit how my sworn enemy is only a teenager. Stupid prophecy. I couldn't have a cool enemy, like Spiderman, could I? No, I'm stuck with some snotty kid who never takes a shower! Potter makes me so MAD! HOW DID HE SURVIVE WHEN HE WAS ONLY A BABY? HOW? Oh, right. I know. I really should've killed Potter before his mother. Dammit! Why didn't I mark Longbottom as my equal? He would have been a cinch to kill! I think I spend too much time brooding over this. I need counselling.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Went shopping today. Saw the cutest fluffy snake slippers. Decided to buy them. I walked up to the counter with my bags and everyone started screaming and running away. It was pretty cool, because I didn't have to pay. But I felt a bit hurt, seeing everyone run away from me like that. It's not a nice thing for a guy to feel.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

I thought a bit today about what would have happened if I got married and had kids . Me and my wife would have triplets and call them Avada, Crucio and Imperio. I soon realised that I've never loved anyone, so having kids is out of the question. Then I got bored so I went and tortured some randoms. I used the Cruciatus Curse on a guy called Arkie Philpott and he screamed "THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN THE TIME I GOT THE PROBITY PROBE STUCK UP MY-!" Only he didn't finish the sentence because I killed him. Although, I think I can guess where that place was. He he.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

I hate Dumbledore. He scares me, and I am a Dark Lord! I'm not supposed to get scared! He also gets in the way when I try to kill Potter. And, worst of all, HE MADE ME RETURN THE YOYO IN THE SHOEBOX! That yoyo was my only friend as a child… Oh, Dumbledore thinks he's so cool, with his half-moon spectacles and his purple swishy robes! But he's not. Really, he's not.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Found Karkaroff in a shack today. I killed him. Got bored again so I decided to bake some cookies. Only I couldn't find the cookbook. We NEVER have any food around here! We should probably do something about that.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Me and the Death Eaters solved our food problem today. We went to Diagon Alley to go grocery shopping, but then I had a better idea. We went to Florean Fortescue's and asked for some ice-cream but he wouldn't serve us because we're evil. So we kidnapped him. Now we have ice-cream for breakfast, lunch and tea! Ooooohhhh, I have a brain freeze…

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Worked out how to get rid of Dumbledore today. Force some helpless kid to kill him! So I found this dumb-looking blonde kid and told him I'd kill his parents if he didn't murder Dumbledore. Mua ha ha ha ha! Then I worked out that his parents were Lucius and Narcissa. As if I'd ever murder them! Ha ha, that kid is soooooo gullible.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Played with Nagini today. First we just ate ice-cream. Then we played hide-and-seek. She found this really good place, up on the bench. I didn't find her for ages, although I did look in the cupboards underneath her. Then she saw some 'good-looking' male snake and left me alone. My little girl is growing up.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

I heard that Horace Slughorn is going to teach at Hogwarts again. Dammit! I wanted him on our side! I probably should have tried bribing him with crystallised pineapple. He could have made us cool potions, like Amortentia! Erm, I mean… Veritaserum. Heh heh.

From,

Voldy.


Dear Diary,

Snape's got the Defence Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts! He was so happy, and we threw a party for him. Then I gave him a rainbow lollipop for his achievement. He looked at me weird and just said "Er… thanks, My Lord." I though everyone liked rainbow lollipops! Man, Snape is weird…

From, Voldy.


A/N: Oooh! Malfoy's been ordered to kill Dumbledore! Will he? Of course he won't, you know that! You've read the Half Blood Prince! Or at least, you better have! (punches hand into fist threateningly). OK, I'll shut up rambling now.