A/N: Sorry guys, I haven't had the chance to get high in a while. Well, I did get high on a HUGE container of cranberries with some friends, but I didn't have access to a computer to write this. Thanks a lot, Jess. Right now I've eaten too many spoonfuls of ice-cream I stole from our freezer. OK, enough rambling about my various highs. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns any characters or places you recognise. Anything you don't recognise is the works of my insane brain…. or possibly PremzaWitchOfWeirdos' even insaner brain.
Dear Diary,
Thought about different ways to torture people today. I couldn't think of any so I went over to Wormtail and asked him. He gave me loads of inspiration. Like making Wormtail breath near the unfortunate soul. Has that guy EVER brushed his teeth? I mean, seriously. If I got him to breathe out over a flower, it would die. Someone should by him some breath mints.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Today I had absolutely NOTHING to do but read Witch Weekly! Why am I so unpopular? What did I do but kill masses of innocent people? So anyway, it came with a free sample of face-cream. The advert was right - it really did make my skin four times softer! And my pores feel all clean. Don't you just love that feeling?
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Hogwarts term started again today. I hope that blonde kid kills Dumbledore like I asked him to! Hee hee, with Dumbledore gone, getting to Potter will be as easy as taming a Pygmy Puff!
From,
Voldy
Dear Diary,
Bellatrix tried to convince me that Snape was disloyal today. Again. Merlin, does that girl ever quit it? She was all; "He wasn't there when you rose again… He works for Dumbledore… He's a part of the Order of the Phoenix…" like I don't know that! Geez!
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
I heard about something called an 'Internet Cafe' for muggles. I thought it might be a store for booby-traps (hey, interNET) so I drank some polyjuice potion and went to one. Instead of traps and torture devices, there were just some strange, glowing boxes. By watching some of the other muggles work them, I worked out that if you moved the round thing, the little pointy thing inside the box moved. And if you pressed the button, the things inside the box would move. Suddenly a message flashed across the screen. "The Fart Button. Press It. You Know You Want To." So I moved the round thing and pressed it. And the box farted! The worst part was, everyone turned around, thinking that it was me. How embarrassing! I'm never going to an internet cafe again.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
OK, so I lied. I went to an internet cafe again today! Those boxes are so addictive! Anyway, this time a message popped up saying that I'd won a trip to see John Travolta! I apparated to his house right away! I knocked on his door and he opened it… and said "Get a nose job, freak." And closed the door! How rude!
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
I read in the Daily Prophet that Stan Shunpike has been convicted of being a Death Eater! As if! I mean, I do have some dignity. So what if I go to John Travolta's house and he rejects me? At least I don't allow idiots like that into my club! Oh, wait. I forgot Crabbe and Goyle were Death Eaters. Now I'm REALLY depressed.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Happy Birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday dear Dark Lord… Happy Birthday to me. Yep, it was my birthday today. And guess who remembered? NOBODY! Absolutely no-one! Not even Bella! Or Snape! OK, so I suppose Nagini remembered. She got me a present anyway. It was a chewed up rat. Still, it's the thought that counts.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
This Occlumency thing is hard. I had to start using it against Potter (I realised he might get an advantage if he knows how I'm feeling). Snape had to teach it to me. But it's really annoying to have to clear my mind of thought each night! My brain keeps going from nothing to interesting stuff. Like unforgivable curses. Or Maybelline make up!
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Nott told me the BEST joke today! OK, if you breath oxygen during the day, what do you breath at night? NITROGEN! Get it? Because NIGHT-rogen and nitrogen sound the same! Haha - I cracked up. No, I mean literally, my skin began to crack! I'm suing the company that made the face-cream I used eight days ago.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
I found out that I could just cast "Reparo" on my face and the cracks would go away. I'm still suing Witch Weekly though! Maybe they'll be able to recommend something that'll give me more normal coloured eyes, too…
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Ollivander scares me. No, seriously – we kidnapped him a few months ago, and he didn't even protest! He just stares at us. With those creepy pale eyes. Staring… staring… staring… At first I thought he was just a freak. Then he told me that he and Narcissa were having a staring competition.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Wow, Narcissa and Ollivander still haven't blinked! This is some contest!
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Narcissa blinked today. I thought she was the best starer in the world! Damn, Ollivander's good.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Halloween's coming up in a month and a bit. I recon the D.E.'s and me should throw a party. I discussed my idea with Rookwood, he said it was a great idea. Although I'm not too sure – Rookwood also said it would be a good idea for Goyle to eat baked beans. Man, we are NEVER gunna be able to get rid of that smell.
From,
Voldy.
Dear Diary,
Rudolphus Lestrange had the idea that we should make a Death Eater fashion line. He reckons the women could have low-cut robes with Dark Mark printed on the front in silver. And according to him, the men could have billowy black robes with Dark Mark cuff links. OK, why did he marry Bellatrix? He is so obviously gay.
From,
Voldy.
A/N: OK, that's about all the randomness I can come up with for tonight. So peace out y'all, and remember… cranberries get you through tough times.
