The day started out normal for me, my parents were still on their anniversary trip, I got done with my chores(after waking up in the afternoon) and was in the middle of training when my iPod started vibrating as my ringtone, which was the intro for the Xena series, started up. I pulled it out of my pocket and saw the number, which was the Spellman's house phone. I sighed as I answered it, knowing that Sabrina was the one calling me.
"Yes, Sabreeny?" I greeted as I put the iPod on speaker with high volume via magic so I can hear well while I put up the weapons. "Hey. Um, I need help." Sabrina said as I put the swords in their scabbards and put them on the shelves. "Ok, shoot. What do you need?" I asked.
"See, I broke one of Quigley's stuff by summoning a whirlwind and need some money? Can you help me find a job?" Sabrina asked as I facepalmed. "Really, Sabrina? You summoned a whirlwind? Let me guess, you were doing it for indoor chores?" I asked as I put up the spears. "If I said yes, would you be glad about how I used weather magic?" Sabrina asked sheepishly.
"Sabreeny, you know that is for outdoor use." I said while putting up the shields on the racks. "I know, Salem told me." Sabrina said. "Strange, he usually the one to encourage you to do stuff like this. Like he told you to call Fabio." I said, reminding Sabrina about one of her worst mistakes.
"Hey, it how was I supposed to know that would happen!" Salem said in the background of the call. "You're the adult. Get your facts straight." I said as I put the last of the weapons away before grabbing the iPod and turning it off speaker, putting it up to my ear.
"I would have no fun. Meanwhile, I need a job or else I'll be on half allowance till I'm thirty." Sabrina said. "Ohhh. They need crust scrappers down at the car wash." Salem said. "I was thinking more like cover model, for romance novels." Sabrina said before doing a scene from a romance novel.
"*Sigh* Gaze into the brilliant blue of my eyes, Fabio." Sabrina said. "Okay, let me get Hilda's Black Book so you could call him again." I said sarcastically. "Sure, right after I chuck a hairball into the brilliant pink of Hilda's house slipper." Salem said.
"One, you're too young for that. And two, just because you read the 'Little Matchmaker' doesn't mean you know anything about romance, Sabrina." I said. "Says the person who cried when reading it." Sabrina teased. "Hey, it not my fault that it got sad after being funny at first." I defended as Sabrina gasped.
"Here we go. Beauty, Poise and Talent Show. First prize, a hundred dollars!" Sabrina said as a 'ka-ching' sound appeared out of nowhere. "Sorry kid, but you winning that show is a fantasy in search of a island. Get practical." Salem said. "Like you did when you ate Chester?" I asked. "Yes. Wait, I mean no! No!" Salem said as I smirked at the fact he admitted that fact.
"Now you're the one jumping to conclusions. It's a show for cats." Sabrina explained. "Oh, como. You mean I should enter? Now that's practical." Salem said. "I just knew you like the idea." Sabrina said.
"Or if you want, you can use the money I earned from my part-time job at the newspaper." I offered. "I can't do that to you Aaron... wait, you work at the newspaper?" Sabrina asked. "Who did you think wrote all the best articles that is always on the frontpage?" I asked with a smirk. "Touche." Sabrina said.
"Hey, with my rugged good looks and warlock powers, I'll make those Junior League cats look like something the dog dragged in." Salem said. "Salem, you know you're not allow to use your powers in front of people!" I said. "Don't worry, I'll do it discreetly." Salem said. "Fine, see you there in a hour, Sabrina." I said before hanging up. I then pulled out the two books Sabrina gave me, both of them being pink, out of my backpack.
These were the 'Little Matchmaker' books she gave to me to read, yet I didn't know there was a second book. "I swear, if Sabrina starts to make people fall in love, I'm blaming you." I said to the books before putting them back in the bag and swung it over my shoulder. I pulled my warp whistle from under my shirt and blew it, warping directly to the cat show.
When I got there, I saw there were a lot of cats there with their owners, their areas being fancy. "I think this is more of a popularity show for humans than it is a cat show." I said under my breath as I walked over to where Sabrina and Salem were.
"I hate this thing." Salem said from inside his cage. "I'm sorry. I didn't know all the cats have to be in cages. But wasn't it nice of that lady to lent us her bird cage?" Sabrina asked Salem. "Peachy. It would have been even nicer if you had checked the rules before we got here." Salem scolded Sabrina. "That's why you read the whole thing and not just skim it over. Also, you put Salem in a bird cage? Yay." I said as I came over to their area.
"Aaron, you're here." Sabrina said with a sigh of relief. "Yep. So what you want me to do?" I asked her. "Stand there and be my good luck charm." Sabrina replied. "Wait, what?" I asked dumbfounded. "Yeah, everytime you're here, I get lucky, so you're my good luck charm." Sabrina said with a smile. "If that's how low you think of me, then I guess I'll just leave." I said after a moment. "No, wait! Please just stay here?" Sabrina pleaded. "Fine." I groaned.
"Here come the judges." Sabrina said as we saw the three adults. You know, that something that confuses me, why do most events have three judges? It seems to add more pressure of making a decision of a winner. "Try to look dazzling." Sabrina told Salem. "You try to look dazzling with your knee in your liver." Salem hissed at her, no pun intended. "I can." I said with a smirk as the judges came over.
Salem started flexing his muscles while smiling at the judges. They were smiling and nodding as they started writing down on their clipboards. "It worked? It actually worked?" I mumbled under my breath in shock. "Got it made in the shade." Salem said with a smirk. "But how? Why?" I asked while sliding down so that I can wrap my arms around my knees in confusion.
Sabrina gave him a thumbs up before gasping. "They're announcing the winners." Sabrina said as the female judge was onstage. "The winner of the Beauty Competition is Scheherazade!" The judge said, causing Salem's jaw to drop.
"Huh?" Salem asked in shock. "Owner, Harvey Kinkle." The judge finished as we turned to see Harvey with a white cat that had a gold collar with a purple gem. "Harvey?!" The three of us asked in shock. "Hey, Sabrina and Aaron!" Harvey exclaimed in joy.
"Harvey, since when did you own a cat? I thought you were more of a mouse type." I said. "Since Monday. Scheherazade just showed up on my doorstep. She had a collar with her name on it. She's incredible Sabrina and Aaron, you won't believe what she can do." Harvey told us while said cat was fluffing up her fur.
"So she belongs to someone then if she had a collar." I said. "Like who?" Harvey asked. "I don't know, maybe that Cheryl Blossom gal from Riverdale that comes to my house on Sundays for some reason. I think she might want to get something to sell or keep." I said. "Well, if she had a owner, wouldn't they come by and get her by now?" Harvey countered.
"Maybe they don't know she here." I pointed out just as a bell rang. "Time for the Poise Contest." The judge announced. "For some reason, I get a bad feeling about Scheherazade." I said to myself as I look at said cat. For some reason, I felt a chill ran down my spine just from the way she smiled at me, and it wasn't the good kind of chill either.
Sabrina opened the bird cage for Salem. "All right, I'll admit she's not bad looking... for a Persian. Luckily this contest is also about poise." Salem said as he struggled to get out. "Poise is my middle name." Salem said just as he fell out of the cage onto the floor, looking dazed. "Oh boy." I said while facepalming.
Soon the judges were doing the same thing as before, this time judging a cat's poise... whatever that was. When they got near Salem, he twirled around for a bit before giving them a bow. Show off. "Very nice. Very nice. Oooh." The female judge said before she and the other two judges, I don't think they have said or think anything at all, went to Scheherazade.
"What?" Salem asked. "What the heck is going on with this god forsaken show?!" I asked once seeing Scheherazade balancing on multiples balls stacked on each other with one paw. "I mean for *Swore in Saiyan language* Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed.
"The winner, Scheherazade." The female judge announced... again. "Look out Salem, it's a Mary Sue." I said before gagging a bit on the word I said while noticing the fact that Scheherazade had changed positions somehow.
Salem had smoke coming out of his ears. "There's still the talent contest." Sabrina said while Salem just gritted his teeth in anger. "Aaron, use your magic to help me beat Scheherazade!" Salem said to me. "No, I'm not using my magic for your selfish intentions. You need to win this your way." I told Salem.
Soon the talent contest was happening, with a orange cat on a bike, wearing a hat and going around in a circle. "Jeez, where the originality? All that's missing is clown makeup and circus music." I said. Meanwhile, Salem was juggling with a chair balancing on his nose while wearing...
"What the heck is he wearing? That is a fashion crime in twelve different planets, including this one!" I said, looking at Sabrina while averting my eyes from Salem's yellow shirt that had red polka dots and red pants. "It's something he came up on short notice since you didn't want to use your magic for him." Sabrina said.
"Just because I don't want to use magic to help him cheat, doesn't mean he can't do that himself if he's soooooo desperate." I answered simply as the stuff hit Salem on the head. "Where the camera when you need it?" I asked as I was laughing. Suddenly we heard a piano playing and turned to see it, only to see Scheherazade playing the piano.
"What the *Swore in Saiyan language* is going on right now?!" I asked as I face-planted due to the amount of Mary Sue. I got back up to see the smoke coming from Salem's ears again. "On second thought, the ground is much safer." I said as I was about to face-plant again, only for Sabrina to stop me. "Traitor!" I said as Sabrina pulled me back up.
Soon the results are in. And if you said Scheherazade won, congrats, you won a cookie, you know, if I can give out cookies from a book! At least Salem got second place and yet the only one who gets any prize is the one who won. Kind of a rip off, what happened to second place getting a reward too?
"Oh please, enough. Scheherazade will be available for more photos at our press conference." Harvey said. "How the heck did you manage a press conference?" I asked Harvey. "Scheherazade's fame got out to the media." Harvey said. "Of course. Why the heck not? Why not we add rainbows and sunshine with it? Maybe then, dogs and cats will be friends." I told Harvey sarcastically.
"Really?" He asked. "No, that will be doomsday! Mass hysteria! Learn to understand the language of my people." I told him. "And that would be?" He asked. "Sarcasm! For god sakes, are you messing with me right now?!" I groaned with a facepalm while shaking my head as a bug sneezed while coming out from Sabrina's trophy.
"Wait, if sarcasm is the language of your people, is it from your mother's side of the family?" Harvey asked. I just groaned even louder through my hands. "I'll take that as a yes from your father's side." Harvey said. Why me? Oh gods, why is it always me?
"Congratulations on winning first place, Harvey." Sabrina said sadly. "Cheer up Sabrina. Second place is winning too." Harvey said before looking at the money in his trophy."Okay, where her prize for getting second place then, Harv?" I asked. "... Except for the fame and the glory. And money." Harvey said once realizing where I was getting at.
"See, now you get what I'm talking about." I told him. "Show off." Salem said to Scheherazade. He then got a smirk on his face before trying to zap Scheherazade with magic, only for her to reflect it back at him. "Oh my Xena, she's a witch and I totally called it in my head!" I exclaimed while Salem's tail turned to dust.
"Wait, when did you say that?" Salem asked me. "During the poise contest and the talent contest." I answered. "Nice of you to notice. Especially you, Salem darling." Scheherazade said, rubbing her tail on Salem's head and causing his jaws to drop as his eyes widen. "Wait, so you admit it." I said as Harvey picked her up.
"Come on girl. Time for our press conference. See ya later, Sabrina, Aaron." Harvey said as he left with Scheherazade or what Hera might call her, a 'floozy'. Maybe we're related. *Remembers the Hercules and Xena animated movie and what Hera did, plus everything she done in the Xenaverse before giving up her hatred for Hercules* Nah.
Salem was stuttering while Sabrina look sadly at her trophy. "Now will you accept my offer of me giving you my money?" I asked her. "I guess so." Sabrina said. "Holy Frijole." Salem said. "Jeez, she must have really gotten to you, huh?" I asked.
"Salem, what's wrong?" Sabrina asked. "Scheherazade! She's not a cat, she's a witch!" Salem exclaimed. "Hey, I told you that so don't steal my thunder!" I said. "And what's more, I almost once marry her." Salem said. "What?" I asked while doing a spit take since I was drinking water at the moment.
"Really? Are you sure it's her?" Sabrina asked. "Don't you dare think about it, Sabreeny!" I said. "Do what?" She asked me. "Act like the Little Matchmaker!" I said as Salem nodded. "She looked human then, but I know her voice anywhere. It was over four hundred years ago. Before the Witches Council turned me into a cat." Salem said as I saw the flashback, thanks to the Dimensional Scream. Gods, why do you give me a power that is both a blessing and a curse?
I saw a castle with everyone wearing, let's face it, funny clothes. "The last time I saw here, I promise to meet her at the Tower of London." Salem said as I saw people giving their tickets to a guy, who just rip them in half. "We had tickets to the Anne Boleyn thing." Salem said.
Soon, Scheherazade, in human form, appear from the shadows. "She didn't know it, I was going to pop the question that night." Salem said. "You were? So sweet." Sabrina said as the flashback ended while we were walking. Well, more like Salem dragging me by my shirt.
"So, what did she say?" Sabrina asked. "Sabreeny, it should be obvious by now." I told her. "What?" Sabrina asked. "He didn't tell her anything because he didn't even went to see her. He stood her up." I told Sabrina as I stood up. "Did you read my journal?" Salem asked me suspiciously. "No, read your mind." I said simply.
"Salem, you didn't!" Sabrina said ahgasted. "I couldn't help it. I got scared. I panicked. I ran." Salem defended. "And broke her heart." Sabrina said. "Sabrina, you don't like it when we butt in to your attempts of getting Harvey to love you, so butt out of Salem's love life." I told her. "But Aaron." Sabrina whined. "Don't you 'But Aaron' me, Sabrina." I said sternly while drinking a soda.
"Plus, a few years later, I gotten marry with another person and had a daughter twelve years ago." Salem said casually, as if he didn't drop a bombshell like that. I on the other hand, spit out the soda and cough while falling onto the ground. "Salem, you sly cat! No pun intended." I said as I got up. "So you broke her heart..." Sabrina began. "Sabreeny, no." I said. "But." Sabrina said. "NO! N-O! Nada! Butt out of his love life, Sabreeny." I said.
"Look, maybe meeting her like this was fate. I mean, as long as you both been turned to cats, you could pick up the romance where you left off. How about that?" Sabrina said. "That sounds as great as dogs and cats being friends." I deadpanned. "Really?" Sabrina asked. "Urghhh! Does no one understand sarcasm anymore?!" I asked. "What's sarcasm?" Sabrina asked. "ARGHHHH! I GIVE UP!" I exclaimed before face planting on the ground.
"You know how women hold grudges." Salem said. "That's ridiculous! And I'll never forgive you for saying it." Sabrina said. "You were saying something about it being ridiculous?" I asked her snarkily. "Now come on, we got some serious making up to do." Sabrina said. "Yeah, no." I told her.
"What?" Sabrina asked. "I said no. It's time you let things play out the normal way, Sabrina." I told her. "I make a better Matchmaker than you." Sabrina said, knowing that I cried while reading the book. "Urghh. Fine, but don't come crawling to me when it backfires on you. For now I'll come to see how this will play out." I said in defeat as I walked with them.
I was standing behind Harvey's tree, supporting Salem since Sabrina ditched us. Typical, she said she would help him, then leaves as soon as he go to do it. Right now, he was practicing what he was gonna say to her while pacing back and forth.
"Scheherazade, I was a cad. Please forgive me." Salem said before whacking himself with the fish. "Scheherazade, I was a cad. Please forgive me." Salem said dramatically. "If this fails, I blame Sabreeny." I said as Salem knocked on the door and smooth his ears.
Scheherazade opened the door, causing Salem to sweat nervously. "Scheherazade, I killed a clam. Please forgive me." Salem said as I facepalmed. "Gotta hand it to him, no can fudged that up like he can. I get the feeling that a dog somewhere, maybe in Riverdale, is laughing at this as we speak." I said. However, Scheherazade tackle Salem to the ground.
Meanwhile in Riverdale
Reggie (60's): Jughead, your dog's laughing at your jokes again.
?: Well, you 2 better find a bunker.
Back to the ironic foreshadowing channel
"Code Black! Code Black! I repeat, we have a Code Black, which means Bad Touch!" I said before pulling out a fake radio. "Hello, Nostalgia Critic? Yeah, I got a white magical cat on top of another cat who is black and also magical, possibly prepared to rape him! And what worse, the first one is a Mary Sue! Hurry!" I said before putting it up, only to remember that it was fake. "Welp, that 45 seconds of my life I'll never get back." I said.
"You're not getting away from me this time, casanova." Scheherazade said as she started kissing Salem. "Oh my god!" I exclaimed as I pulled out the fake radio again. "Now she's kissing him! Hurry, Doug Walker! HURRY! MY EYES! THEY NEED BLEACH AND SOAP! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed as I drop to my knees to cover my eyes from the sight.
And yet, I felt some feelings oozing off Scheherazade, feelings that wasn't love for Salem, but something else. Something sinister and evil and even a jerk move. Like she was about to use him for her own intentions. Oh, and I didn't realize that the radio was real and was on the whole time.
Meanwhile at That Guy With The Glasses
Doug: Rob, get my gun, Racheal, and Malcolm!
Rob: Why?
Doug: Because we're stopping cat dating.
Rob: ... Doug, you need help. Like, REAL HELP!
Doug: You and Rodger both.
Rob: Who's Rodger?
Doug: My 'Guardian fuck angel' who wanted me dead in a reality where I didn't exist and later when my past and future selves helped me review the live action 'Scooby Poo' movie.
Rob: ... (I want to die!)
Back to our regularly scheduled narrator
Soon the two were going out on a date, even going as far as kissing. "Oh gods no, why?!" I exclaimed while seeing this with binoculars I have while from my rooftop. I saw Sabrina sigh at this 'love' she created. "No, you don't deserve that sigh! And Scheherazade is pure evil or my name isn't Aaron Dimension!" I shouted before falling off the roof. "AHHHH!" I screamed before falling onto some bushes. "Convenient bushes are convenient." I said a bit dazed.
The next morning, Sabrina and I were walking back to her house. "For the last time Sabreeny, I got a bad feeling about Scheherazade." I told her. "And I think you're just jealous of Salem." She replied back. "I'm not jealous of Salem. I just don't want him to be hurt. Plus, remember he has a daughter our age." I told her as we got to her living room.
"Hi Salem." Sabrina said as Salem was walking past us with a suitcase. "Toodles, I'm off to Tibet." Salem told us. "Oh okay... What?!" I exclaimed while narrowing my eyes at Sabrina. "This is your fault." I told her before chasing after Salem.
"Salem, wait!" I cried out as I chased after him with Sabrina following suit. "Tell my feet that. The rest of me is attached." Salem told us. "Salem." Sabrina said firmly. "Sabrina." I said with a raised eyebrow.
"But Aaron, Salem shouldn't spend the rest of his life a slave to his own fears. Who does that?" Sabrina asked. "*Cough* You with Harv. *Cough* Allergies." I said innocently once Sabrina shot me daggers. "Come on Salem, we're getting you over your fears." Sabrina said as she dragged Salem. "This I got to see." I said as I followed them back to Sabrina's living room.
Soon we were sitting on the couch, with Sabrina believing that Salem is terrified of commitment. "Sabreeny, that not the issue." I told her. "Maybe not, but at least we can get somewhere." Sabrina said, rolling her eyes at me. "Sabrina, he already committed before. That is how he has a daughter." I said.
"See, so it not hard for him to do it again." Sabrina said like it should be obvious. "Like what?" I asked sarcastically. "Like, never going to planet Pluto in winter." Sabrina said. "That is the most dumbest thing I heard since Tim the witchsnorter!" I told her through gritted teeth. "See, it works since it something that he won't do anyways." Sabrina said.
"Yeah, I could do that. I'll definitely never visit the planet Pluto during winter. But, what if the sun goes nova in a billion years? In winter? And the only safe place is the furthest planet from the sun. Pluto. I can't do it! I need my options!" Salem cried out as he left the room, just as Zelda walked in.
"Huh?" Zelda asked. "So Sabreeny, shouldn't be hard for him to commit, huh? Because it look like it to me." I told her snarkily. "Not the time." Sabrina told me. "Everytime is the perfect time." I said with a smirk.
"Aunt Zelda, is there a spell for a person with a fear of commitment?" Sabrina asked. "Sure, you turn him into a cat." Zelda said with a smirk. "And what does the people say about that joke?" I asked like a announcer, to dead silence. "Sorry Zelda, but the people had spoken. That joke was terrible." I told Zelda. "At least I try." She said with a shrug.
"I mean, to make them love someone that they wanna spent the rest of their lives together." Sabrina said looking out of a window. "Sabreeny, Salem already married before." I told her for the upteenth time from gritted teeth.
"Sabrina, it's not smart to mess with other people's life lives. Even for a witch, love have to take it own course." Zelda said. "In this case, love is taking its course straight to Tibet." Sabrina pointed out as Salem was walking away with a suitcase.
"Wait Zelda, you didn't question the fact that Salem was married before." I noticed as I look at her. "Because it old news." She said. "Not to me!" I exclaimed as I walked after Salem to try and convince him to not leave to Tibet. Or at least take me with him to get away from Scheherazade.
"Salem come on. If you leave, you're letting Scheherazade win. And what does that prove but the fact that Mary Sues always wins?" I asked him. "But." Salem began. "No. We are not letting this drop. Now march your butt to my house because I'm gonna be your therapist." I told Salem.
"You know what? Let's try that." Salem said with a smile. I turned around, prepared to lead the way only to pale in horror as I saw Sabrina with a spell from the Spooky Jar. "Sabreeny, no!" I said, trying to stop her only for it to be too late as she unleashed the magic on Salem, causing him to be in a purple force field, yawning. "Suddenly. Very. Sleepy." Salem said as he fell asleep.
"Sabrina, why?!" I asked her while shaking her before being hit by a barrage of Salem's fantasy brought on by the spell. It was a house made out of clouds, with everything also made out of clouds. Including the furnitures man! It like someone took pot and have a pot-induced dream that made no literal sense, inside Salem's head!
Salem came in wearing a business suit and, surprise, walking on his back legs. "Honey, I'm home." Salem said as he put his briefcase on the cloud table. "No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOO! THE MARY SUE WON, ALL THANKS TO SABREENY!" I cried out once I saw Scheherazade in the fantasy, wearing the clothing of a housewife.
"Darling, I cook a extra special dinner." Scheherazade said as she opened the lid for the dish that she made, while holding it under Salem's nose. "Mmm. Mouse-loaf." Salem said. "Yuck." I said with disgust. "Daddy's home! Daddy's home! Daddy's home!" Two cat children, or kittens, with wings on their backs, and wearing clothes, carried Salem to a cloud chair.
They soon gave him a pair of cloud slippers to put on and a newspaper to read while Scheherazade, or Mary Sue, or She Who Shall Not Be Married, was playing a harp perfectly. "Let's sing the Daddy song, children." 'Mary Sue' said.
No, for Christ sakes don't do it! Why, Sabrina, why?! *Sobs in a corner of his mind while the fantasy children sang the song, cried even harder once Scheherazade told them to do one more verse.* Thank god the fantasy ended when Salem woke up, of course I was on the ground with a killer migraine from seeing the fantasy.
"Sabrina, why in the name of all that is good would you do that?!" I asked her, getting up to my feet a bit unsteadily. "Are you ok? You look a bit dizzy and you have tears down your face." Sabrina said as she started to help me, only for me to jerk away from her while wiping the tears off.
"I'm fine. At least, if you hadn't interfered! What the *Swore in Saiyanese* was that?! I had it under control and then you just swoop in with a spell and high-jacked my plans!" I yelled at her, nearly face-planting on the sidewalk but managed to stay upright.
"Well, it didn't seem like..." Sabrina began. "No! You just did it because you believe that Salem is afraid of commitment! Guess what? He was married before, or did that slip your mind? And I actually did convinced him to at least try something else and then you just came here and did whatever you wanted!" I shouted, glaring at Sabrina as I nearly fell down from that.
"Aaron, I think you should at least lie down." Sabrina said in concern. "And I think you should let me try my plans before you fly off the handle like this! Yet we can't all have what we want, can we?" I shot back as I dizzily glared at her, trying not to let it show that she was right about me needing to lay down.
I turned to Salem, who was rubbing his eyes. "Come on Salem, let's start your therapy sessions." I said, hoping that the spell failed, given Sabrina's luck. (Yes, I just said that! Suck it!) "No time. Sabrina is right! I'm taking the plunge. I'm asking Scheherazade to marry me!" Salem said as he began to walk away.
"But what about your past relationship? Your daughter?!" I asked, worried that it worked. "They don't compare to the majesty that is Scheherazade." Salem replied as he left. "No, this can't be true. It's impossible!" I said. "Search your feelings, kiddo. You know it to be true." Salem said from a distance. "NOOOO! Nooooo." I said in anguish and misery as I dropped to my knees, not from my migraine but from what just happened.
"Marry?! Wow, that way more commitment than what I was expecting!" Sabrina said casually while I just glared at her. "This is your fault." I said through gritted teeth. "What the worst that could happen?" Sabrina asked with a shrug. "Maybe the fact that his daughter may want to spend time with him, if she come here at all, and you ruined it with this?!" I told her before using the Warp Whistle I have on me and blew into it, sending myself back to my house before Sabrina can argue her case more.
Later I had my face on the table while groaning, due to both my migraine and what Sabrina just did. Soon, I heard the door opened. "Cheryl Blossom, if that's you, get the heck out! I'm not in the mood to deal with your crud or you in general." I said from the table without lifting my head.
"Well, I guess you don't want to see the Hercules movies that started the Xenaverse, don't you?" Zelda said as I lifted my head off the table with the ice pack for my head taped on there. "No, I do. Sorry, just dealing with some crud." I told Zelda as she sat down at the table across from me. "Also, the person you mentioned took some of your movies." Zelda said before I used magic to bring them back here.
"Thanks." I told her before putting my face on the table again. "Do you wanna talk about stuff that's been going on lately?" Zelda asked. "I managed to convinced Salem to stay by offering him some therapy sessions, only for Sabrina to use a spell from the Spooky Jar to make him fall in love with Scheherazade and now he sooo in love with her that he doesn't even want to talk about his daughter." I told Zelda in one sitting.
"What is she thinking... Wait, Scheherazade?" Zelda asked. "Yeah, and Salem believes that he stood her up when I saw in both his and Scheherazade's memories that she was never there in the first place." I added.
"Maybe because she was getting down with Michelangelo at his own party in Rome." Zelda said. "Wait, so how did the Mary Sue got turned into a cat?" I asked. "If she was a Mary Sue, she wouldn't have been turned into a cat for stealing the husbands of every witch on the Witches Council." Zelda clarified. "Touche. Glad that the only thing that makes sense is this fake radio." I said, holding up said object.
"Actually, that's radio is real and it's the one Hilda uses when she wants to talk to the Nostalgia Critic or pretend to be the Nostalgia Hilda." Zelda said. "Oh, well we're screwed." I said just as the doorbell rang. "I'll take care of Doug Walker, you just help Salem out." Zelda said with a wink.
"I thought you didn't like him." I said. "I don't like his attitude. That doesn't mean I want to see him be heart-broken by Scheherazade or even by his own daughter hating his guts because of what Sabrina did." Zelda said. "Okay, just going to do some recon." I said before teleporting out of the house.
Later that night, I was outside Harvey's house, about to spy on Scheherazade, only to be surprise that Sabrina was there too. "What, want to see the 'romantic' results of what you created?" I asked her sarcastically. "No, I'm just here to see if what you and Hilda were saying is true or not. Why are you here?" She asked me. "To find out Scheherazade's plans and stop them by using her flaws." I told Sabrina while crossing my arms.
"Are you still mad at me?" Sabrina asked. "Talk to the hand sister, because I'm not talking." I told her. "But." Sabrina began. "Shh." I made my hands move to make it seem like it was talking. I pointed into the window, where Harvey was giving Scheherazade some water.
"Here some spring water, Scheherazade. From the Alps of course." Harvey said as Scheherazade purred like a normal cat. "You don't deserve that, you white, four legged feline men eater!" I said under my breath as Scheherazade drank the water while Harvey left the room.
Scheherazade made sure that the coast was clear before running to the counter to use a phone and call someone. "Suspicious." I said. "I can't believe it. You might be right." Sabrina said. "Yeah, wait you can't believe that I'm right or the fact that Scheherazade is not the cat you thought?" I asked Sabrina. "Yes." She said. "Fricking smart aleck." I said under my breath.
Scheherazade came outside with the phone. "Uh oh!" Sabrina said as she used magic to conjure up a trash can for her to hide in while I use a invisibility spell on myself so Scheherazade couldn't see me. Meanwhile, Scheherazade didn't notice anything wrong or out of place.
"That's right Hazel. I said married. Look, by the time Salem catches on, which he won't thanks to that love spell that child put on him, it will be too late. You know the rules. If I win the love of a warlock, the spell on me is broken. So the second Salem says 'I do', I return to human form and then it's goodbye Salem, I'm off to Palm Beach." Scheherazade said as she left.
"I swear upon the holy Bible of Xena and Hercules, I will stop you!" I said. "Oh man, Hilda and Aaron was right about Scheherazade. She only wants to marry Salem so she could be human again. Why didn't I check it out before I put the spell on him?" Sabrina said from the trash can as Harvey came out, was confused for a sec, then threw away his trash on top of Sabrina.
"It's official. This stinks." Sabrina said. I just started laughing. "Nope, that's just karma striking back and hard." I told Sabrina through chuckles. "I guess you're just getting your sick kicks in?" Sabrina asked sarcastically. "Yep! Like you did when you use the love spell. Don't worry, this time I'll help Salem first while you just get cleaned off." I told Sabrina as I left, heading to Sabrina's attic.
When I got there, I saw Salem in a white tuxedo and top hat, about to go into the Netherworld. "This is one small step for a cat, one giant leap for a confirmed bachelor." Salem said. "Salem, stop!" I said. "Aaron, are you here to congratulate me on my wedding?" Salem asked. "No, because Scheherazade is just using you." I told him.
"I know all about that." Salem told me. "Really, the spell wore off?" I asked. "I know the fact that you're just miffed at the fact that she might be a Mary Sue and that she cured me of my fear spell. However, I think you should give her a second chance." Salem told me. "Well, sorry to do this." I said before conjuring up a voodoo doll of him and a small mallet. "Aaron, what are you doing?" Salem asked me in fear.
"Saving your emotions." I told him before hitting the voodoo doll on the head with the mallet, causing Salem to feel the impact from it too. "Oww. What the heck was that? And why am I in a tuxedo?" Salem asked me. "One, a voodoo doll and mallet just so I can get rid of any spells or pains. And two, you were hit by Sabrina's love spell, started thinking Scheherazade is your life, planned on getting hooked up with her and forgetting your daughter in the process. You know, a Sunday." I told Salem with a shrug.
"Sabrina did what?!" Salem asked. "Yeah, she put a love spell on you. Don't worry though. I have the perfect plan to stop Scheherazade, therefore getting back at her. And this will also apply to Sabrina too." I said with a smirk. "What the plan, kiddo?" Salem asked me.
I whispered in his ears the plan, with him agreeing to it. "Let's do it." He said with a paw shake. "And remember, have Sabreeny believe that you're still under the spell." I said with a wink. "Gotcha." Salem said with a smirk.
I was at the Beyond The Veil wedding chapel, waiting for Salem to get here to enact the plan. Only to see Sabrina getting here first via a swan boat. "Dang her stubbornness. At least she doesn't know." I said in my thoughts. I see Scheherazade wearing a veil and holding a bunch of roses, smelling them before sneezing.
"Ha! Allergic to roses are we? A whole bunch of them, coming up." I said as I conjured them up, causing Scheherazade to sneeze some more. At least before tossing them to the side. "Drats." I muttered. However, when I turned my attention back to Sabreeny, she turned herself into a yellow, anthro French cat with stereotype French clothing on and even a French mustache.
"Oh Lords and Ladies no." I said as Sabrina started talking about seeing how much Scheherazade can resist a French love. I don't know what was said during that, mainly because I started throwing up from Sabrina 'seducing' Scheherazade. For some reason, my vomit was jelly beans.
Meanwhile in Riverdale, 1960's
Sabrina (60's): Salem, did you use Aunt Hilda's magic beans again?
Salem (60's): *Normal cat noises.*
Sabrina (60's): Salem, this is the 4th time this decade.
*Picks up Aaron look-a-like doll*
Sabrina (60's): I never noticed this one here before. Must be Aunt Hilda's doing.
Hilda ( 60's): The more, the merrier. Also SALEM! What did you do with my beans! Those were my Sarcasm Beans.
Sabrina (60's): Were those for Reggie?
Hilda (60's): ... Those were for you.
Back to our comedic foreshadowing(AKA me)
Good news, I found a bucket for my jelly beans style vomit. Oh and also for my joy. That and Sabrina revealed herself just as Scheherazade thought she won, making this seems like a pedophile moment. As Salem started fake crying, that's when I came out of my hiding spot.
"Sabreeny, never ever do that stunt again." I told her. "But I have to show Salem..." Sabrina began. "He already knows. I broke the spell on him and he pretended he was still under it just so we can get back at you. Didn't expect the price to be that high." I said while holding my stomach.
"By the way, that was the worst French accent I heard in my life." Salem said. "Oh come on, it's not that bad." Sabrina defended. "Sabrina, you used that accent in Spanish class. Then you used a Spanish accent in German class. Finally, you combined the two and a German accent during English class for a month, when we were ten." I deadpanned.
"At least my darling Annabelle can sing the Daddy song." Salem said. "How about no." I said. "So you're not mad at me, you two?" Sabrina asked. "Oh, I am. Salem isn't though." I told Sabrina before smirking. "Seems like you're not the Little Matchmaker at all." I said. "A simple I told you so would have sufficed." Sabrina said.
"At least I'll give you these two back." I told Sabrina. "Wait, did you say two?" Salem asked. "Yeah. Why?" I asked. "There was never a second book. There was only one book. What did it had anyways?" Salem asked me. "One of them had love disasters left and right, the other was about being a bad girl in high scho..."
I soon realized as soon as Salem and Sabrina. "Aaron, those were Hilda and Zelda's diaries!" Salem exclaimed as I took off the book covers that were on them, the types used for textbooks. "The girl died in the actual book with only a candle that she was trying to sell as company." Salem said. "At least nothing bad happened, right?" Sabrina asked sheepishly as Salem and I ran to the door that leads to my house after seeing a familiar person walking towards Sabrina from behind.
"Why are you two running?" Sabrina asked before Zelda cleared her throat from behind her. "You not only read my and Hilda's diaries, but gave them to Aaron and messed with Salem's love life?!" Zelda exclaimed as Salem and I ran. We shut the door and panted. "Thanks." Salem said. "Don't mention it." I said.
It was reported three hours later that Sabrina was grounded for two more months, on top of the three from the whole Fabio incident, because of the fact that she read Hilda and Zelda's diaries and give them to me, and for what she done to Salem. At least Salem's heart is okay, whoo hoo! Oh, and I finally read the Little Matchmakers and it was a sad story, I even cried when watching the short film.
Riverdale
Reggie (60's): What are these, Sarcasm Beans. Ha! What a load of baloney. Now to discover Sabrina's secret of being a teenage witch.
Tim: She's 13 and mine to steal!
Reggie (60's): *Screams* What happened to your face! *Runs off.*
Tim: How rude. But not as rude as what witches did to me, so now one day my revenge will be mine. *Evil laughter.*
Sabrina (60's): What's that?
Hilda (60's): Just ignore him, he's desperate for attention.
Sabrina (60's): Like Reggie?
Hilda (60's): No, like my Great Aunt Suzy.
Della: I thought it was my annoying sister, Spella.
