Sorry readers. I had to repost this fic because of several spelling errors. I think I've corrected them all now, so enjoy the chapter...again. And I once again appologize for the unusually cruel length of time that I didn't post anything.


Title: Random Bits 5 – Chapter 1

Setting: Another day in Spria is coming to a close. The sun is sinking below the horizon (or being swallowed by a dragon, depending on your cultural belief system) as Spira's heroes cruise through the sky.

Kilika Island – Our heroes have spent the day in Kilika shopping for rare items, weapons, and items needed for living. Having borrowed the Celcius, they are now returning to Besaid. As night falls the vanquishers of Sin have succumbed to exhaustion and left Tidus, Wakka, and Rikku flying the ship. Tidus has proved to be a fairly good pilot, but Rikku is falling asleep, leaving the crew with a small problem.

"Does this thing have auto-pilot?" Tidus attempted to ask around a yawn. Receiving now reply from Rikku, he craned his neck to look across the bridge to her cockpit.

"Rikku. Rikku?"

"I think she's asleep brudda." Wakka said quietly, peering down at the sleeping figure in the cockpit. His statement subsequently prevented the young blitzball star from chucking his shoe at the poor girl to get her attention. Apparently their all day shopping trip had worn the normally spunky Rikku out. Even Tidus had slowed down a bit, but not from the boredom exhibited by most males during shopping trips. Unlike Auron and Wakka, he had enjoyed the shopping expedition, still eager to see all the strange new things in Spira. (He wasn't sure if Kimahri had enjoyed the trip or not. The Ronso didn't seem to care where he was or what he was doing as long as he was looming discouragingly behind Yuna.) He was beginning to understand why Wakka and Auron loathed shopping in female company though.

It's one of the many Differences Between Men and Women. One of these differences is Men and Women Shop Differently. Both begin the same, but end up drastically different and several hours later. Men enter a store and head straight for what they need, ignoring the bargain, reduced to sell, discount bins, and cute items designed to lure in the weak willed. Upon obtaining the items the male shopper heads straight for the register, pays and leaves. Forgotten items are picked up at the gas station on the way home if they are remembered.

Women enter the store, dig through all the bins, wander through every isle (occasionally adding something that was actually on the list to the basket), pick over the cute things, talk to friends they bump into, take friends to dig through bins, and discuss new items. They then have entire conversations about items in friend's basket, look for items in friend's basket try, then finally make it to the register, pay and leave. (If a check is used this adds extra time.) Return trip is made for forgotten items and beginning steps are repeated.

Tidus climbed out of his cockpit, stretching before crossing the bridge to gallantly sweep Rikku into his arms and stride off the bridge, leaving Wakka properly impressed. Well, that was what he had planned on doing. What really happened was Tidus becoming subject to the Law of Disproportionate Mass. This law states that some small objects, for unknown reasons, are denser than they appear. (This law also applies to small elderly women, toddlers, and Wakka's head.) It also states that the density of an object is doubled when the object is sleeping.

Tidus lifted Rikku, staggering and doing a complicated jig/juggling routine to prevent dropping her as he made his way to the door. He finally found his balance by draping the girl over his neck like a shepherd, and then used her foot to press the button to open the door. (It was a complete disaster and a serious blow to his Ego, but worst of all Wakka didn't appear to give flip.)

"Put it on auto-pilot." He called as he left the bridge, crestfallen. "I think its on Rikku's console."

Leaving Wakka alone on the bridge, the boy made his way to the Cabin, Rikku getting heavier with each step. The beginning of his journey was mostly uneventful, except for a brief moment of terror in which he encountered Auron around the corner.

"Don't do that!" Tidus hissed, flapping an arm at the Unsent warrior. (Hey, have you ever encountered and old person around a corner at night?) Auron 'harrumphed' then twitched his eyebrows in indication of Rikku, who was gently swaying with the boy's movements.

"Oh, she fell asleep, so I'm gonna drop her off with Lulu and Yuna." Tidus replied, Auron falling into step beside him.

Auron grinned into his collar as the blond struggled to carry the Al Bhed girl and make it look easy. He was beginning to wonder if she would be 'dropped off' before they even made it to the Cabin. His pondering was interrupted as a frightening thought broke the surface of his thoughts like a shark beside and unsuspecting raft in a bad horror movie.

"Tell me Wakka isn't flying the ship."

"Of course not! I'm not stupid you know. I told him to put it on auto-pilot."

The Guardian relaxed, the shark slipping beneath the waters, only to explode to the surface bigger and meaner.

"Wakka's putting it on auto-pilot?"

"Yeah."

"Aren't the controls in Al Bhed?"

"Yeeeees, so?"

The Legendary Guardian groaned and spun a frustrated circle.

"Wakka can't read Al Bhed!"

"What! Why not?" Tidus turned a few frantic circles of his own, pummeling the older man with Rikku's feet.

"At the time it was against Yevon." Auron spat. Tidus was dumbstruck. Even he could read Al Bhed and he was still considered a tourist.

The two Guardians locked gazes, a plan of action forming as instantaneously as a bomb exploding. In a brief flurry of movement Tidus dumped Rikku on Auron, both knowing that Tidus was the fastest runner. Running with Super Tidus Speed (which is almost as fast as Scared Tidus Speed), he had enough time to notice that Auron was holding the girl with no apparent effort as he 'hurried' behind him.

Skidding around the corner at top speed Tidus used the opposite wall to ricocheted himself to the door. His theory worked. Unfortunately he had to use his face to stop himself. With a sound similar to a pumpkin striking a sidewalk, Tidus fetched up against the door. Auron rushed up behind him and slapped the door open, booting the stunned blond through the door.

Bursting onto the bridge (well Auron and Rikku burst, Tidus flailed onto the floor) they were met with a strange anti-chaos. Wakka was sitting calmly in the cockpit with his feet up on the console. He glanced back at them innocently as Auron and Tidus stared around the ship in tense disbelief.

"What's up?" Wakka called, his greeting going unheard as the other two Guardians went into a huddle.

"No flames or exploding panels." Tidus muttered, eyes careening nervously around the ship.

"No sirens or alarms either." Auron replied in the hushed tones of one who knows what should be happening, but finds the opposite.

"We're still in the air."

"Everything seems normal."

"Could you put me down now?"

The conversation continued for a few moments, Auron and Tidus wanting to make absolutely sure that noting disastrous was happening, Wakka's attempts at communication going unnoticed. A moment later Wakka decided that he had preferred being ignored when two and a half pair of eyes locked on him, a tense stillness settling around him.

"I, uh, got the auto-pilot set."

"Great!" Rikku replied after a short delay in which Wakka discovered how a hunter feels after stepping on a nest of alligator eggs, and finds that the mother has a few questions for him.

Auron was just beginning to relax when he felt a soft jolt.

"Are you sure you set it right?"

"Of course!" Wakka replied with injured Ego, striding to the cockpit and viciously jabbing a finger at a flashing green light.

"See? The little light says it set." There was a sudden rush for the cockpit as Auron, Tidus, and Rikku crowded around the console. As one they tensed, gripping the console so hard that it groaned in protest. Holding their faces close to the little light, they shared that tight-jawed, wide-eyed expression that accompanies the act of trying to force your eyes to believe that, yes, that's exactly what you think it is. (It also accompanies severe constipation and moments when your kids tell your boss what you think of him.)

"You (Here Auron said something in Hypello that roughly translates to :One-who-is-considerably-lacking-in-higher-brain-function-and-is-of-uncertain-parentage.) That says Fuel Dump!" The Legendary Guardian roared, repeatedly slapping the red-haired man on the back of the head, as if by slapping him enough, he could pound the Al Bhed language into it. Tidus' head ached in sympathy, having felt the Hand of Justice many times before.

"Who has a fuel dump button on their ship!" He continued with a snarl.

"That's like installing a self-destruct switch."

"Um, well…it's got one of those too…" Rikku squeaked in embarrassment as the three men turned to regard her with varying degrees of disbelief (Okay, so one of them was a boy and the other was an idiot).

Shaking his head, the Unsent warrior slapped on the intercom as they ship lurched and began a gentle downward glide that wouldn't last long.

"Everyone brace yourselves. The Red-Haired Wonder just dumped the fuel."


Thanks to those of you who reviewed. I would like to thank each of you individually with the reply feature, but I still don't trust my computer. So, thanks to everyone who reviewed, and to those who didn't. I'm just glad people are actually reading this nonsense!