Well, this is the last chapter for RB 5. I hope you enjoyed the latest part in the Random Bits series. I just threw a bunch of ideas together as they struck me, so don't eat/drink while reading this one (You'll either choke with laughter or disappointment). Help yourselves to a big bowl of 'Whatever' stew and enjoy! (Or you could try the skin flakes.)
Title: Random Bits 5 - Chapter 5
Sanubia Desert – Unknown Oasis - It has been almost two weeks since the crash. Valefor returned with a message from Cid and the stranded companions are preparing to return to their ship to be rescued.
"Ewwww! Grody!" Rikku exclaimed, her face puckering in disgust as Tidus held out a skin flake. He had begun to peel a couple of days ago, and had been carefully cultivating the peeling skin. His goal was to peel off as big a chunk as possible. The one he had just pulled off his face was particularly impressive because it had come off, nearly in one piece. Of course the achievement had been too good to keep to himself, and Tidus just had to show it to everyone (unfortunately, while they were eating another batch of Whatever Stew).
The face flake had disappeared shortly after the viewing, and Lulu had the disturbing suspicion that it was tucked away in Yuna's things. (Probably filed under 'boyfriend's face'.) Thoroughly disgusted, the Al Bhed girl gathered up the remains of the mobile radio, which still needed work, and headed off to help the others pack up the camp.
Tidus shrugged at the inability of girls to appreciate the grosser things in life (like dirt, bodily functions, and the popular past-time of seeing how long one could go without changing underwear). The blond sighed and leaned into Yuna's hands as the summoner rubbed an unidentified vegetable secretion into his burnt skin. She had found a succulent plant growing by the water's edge and discovered that it was perfect for sunburn relief.
"That should do for a while." Yuna said with a smile when she was done. She chuckled as Tidus groaned in protest and flopped his head into her lap.
"We really should help the others pack." She said with a sternness that didn't fit the smile on her face as she petted his hair. She ignored the disapproving growl from Kimahri. Tidus sat up with a mischievous grin.
"You look a little sunburned, Yuna." He said reaching for the leftover plant lotion.
"Why don't you let me rub a little of ...!"
Tidus suddenly found himself unable to speak and it had nothing to do with the vision of loveliness that was Yuna. It had everything to do with the massive Ronso paw that was crushing his windpipe.
"Kimahri!" Yuna gasped as Tidus was yanked off his rump to dangle in front of the leonine face. Tidus' legs churned in their own attempt to escape, while his eyeballs tried to swivel around and face the inside of his skull, not wanting to look upon the sharp fangs that were bared inches from his face. Ever the diplomat, Yuna intervened.
"Come on Kimahri, " she said, placing a restraining hand firmly on the Ronso's arm.
"Let's go brush out your fur. You don't want mats do you?"
The heat of the desert had triggered the Ronso's natural shedding reaction. It was and inconvenience for everyone since Kimahri was quite itchy, and the slightest scratch sent fur drifting through the hot air and into the food and clothing of his companions. No one had wanted to share a tent with the Ronso and he was forbidden from swimming in the oasis pool. Lulu had not enjoyed the cup of hairy water she had with her breakfast.
With one last warning squeeze Kimahri dropped Tidus and allowed the summoner to lead him away. Moments later he was seated under a tree, kneading the sand in contentment while Yuna brushed him.
"Cats." Auron muttered to himself as the Ronso purred, Lulu risking death, or serious dismemberment, to scratch his chin.
"Such a good kitty." Auron sneered.
"All you need is a pretty pink diamond collar."
Had it been anyone else, they would have been nothing but bloody chunks under Kimahri's claws. Because the one-eyed guardian was his oldest friend, Auron got away with a bruising swat to the shoulder.
Once the personal grooming issues were dealt with the companions left the oasis behind. Cid had been located and had agreed to pick up his kid and her friends (in exchange for the credit of rescuing them and an interview on the evening news). Thus, Yuna and her guardians headed back to the Celcius to reclaim the nation of Crash Site, leaving behind a coconut half, a few skin flakes, and several clumps of discarded Ronso fur.
About two hours later they were running for their lives over the dunes.
"You had to do it, didn't you?" Lulu snapped as the enraged sandworm exploded to the surface of the desert a few feet closer.
"Don't kill him Lu!" Wakka pleaded, grabbing Lulu's moogle to prevent her from casting Fira on the boy.
"We're gonna need him to fight."
The black mage settled for giving him a smoldering glare so heated that it brought to mind the words 'flash burn'.
"Sandworms do not like to be used as trampolines." She smacked the teen on the forehead.
Earlier in their journey, like four minutes earlier, they had stumbled across a strange, bouncy patch of sand. The others were all for leaving it alone, but Tidus had immediately found it useful for entertainment purposes. Unfortunately the slumbering sand fiend did not appreciate the novelty that its soft, cushioning body presented.
"Here it comes." Auron said, drawing his Big sword and turning to face the fiend.
"You're a warrior monk. How 'bout taking a few prayer requests?" Wakka quipped, earning an amused grunt from the older man.
The sandworm reared up in front of the party with a shriek and slammed its massive body into the sand, shaking the desert floor. It was here that the worm made two mistakes. Mistake number one: It his Yuna. Kimahri bristled like an affronted cat and cast Darkness on the fiend. Then he thrust his spear into the sand and leapt with a roar.
The Ronso clawed his way up the sandworm to what he assumed was the back of its neck, and began tearing away at the thick skin and blubber with fangs and claws. The fiend shook its head, desperate to dislodge its attacker, and making a perfect opening for the others to move in. Wakka, Rikku, and Tidus, kept it busy so Auron could deal the heavier blows.
Attacked from all sides, the fiend began to wonder if 'unleashing its fury' had been a wise decision. It could have just scared the tiny humans a bit, shared a few laughs, then gone back to sleep. No, it had to throw its weight around, make a scene, and teach them all a lesson for disturbing the great-and-powerful sandworm. Now it found itself surrounded and attacked rather ferociously, with a high probability of leaving as a swarm of pyre-flies.
The sand-fiend shook its head violently, dislodging the tenaciously clinging Ronso and decided to deal with the creature that posed the biggest threat. Here the fiend made Mistake number two: It swallowed Auron. The fiend shrieked its victory, lunging at the offending human's stricken companions. It didn't quite have the affect the worm expected. One of the smaller females dealt it a crack on the mouthparts, while a second female Confused it.
The battle wasn't going as planned for the desert fiend, the human's companions fought more feverishly instead of fleeing in terror. It had multiple wounds, busted mouthparts, it was confused, and now it was starting to feel sick. (Being technically dead, Auron was ten years past his expiration.) The fiend put it all down to the horrible day it was having.
Seeing the fiend shudder and start to swell around what was possibly its stomach, Wakka urged everyone back. As they dove behind a handy dune, the fiend exploded in a rain of flaming chunks, the words 'Overkill' appearing in the air above it. Everyone stared in stricken silence, aside from the sizzling and popping of frying worm fat, hoping that the older guardian would appear. They went on waiting, searching every shadow in the billowing black smoke.
"Its the way he would have wanted to go." Wakka said, putting a hand on Yuna's shoulder. Yuna nodded in disconsolate agreement as Kimahri led her and a trembling Rikku away.
"Died good death." He rumbled with pride.
"Come on." Lulu said kindly to Tidus, who was glaring defiantly into the flames.
"Come on Old Man." The black mage heard him murmur as she tugged him towards his companions. The blond sighed and shuffled dejectedly behind her, sword trailing in the sand.
"Look!" Rikku cried, dashing back towards the carcass, bouncing like an excited puppy.
The following scene was one that many generations of sphere-makers spent their entire careers trying to achieve. Most of them spent long nights banging their heads on their desks in an attempt to shake the inspiration out. It was a scene that could only be achieved by the mind of a genius hermit that spends his days in a dark cave under the influence of sever kilos of illegal fungi and herbs, and is plagued by an imaginary friend named Bill. It played out as follows.
On cue the smoke dissipated enough to reveal a shadowy figure rising slowly to his feet to stand firmly in a dramatic pose. (One that suggested a tough battle only barely won through pure strength of will.) A breeze ruffled the figure's coat as he bent to retrieve his sword, a few errant pyre-flies drifting past him. After slinging the massive sword over his shoulder, and nodding to himself, the figure strode through the flames and smoldering bits of carcass as if he had all the time in the world. The black smoke cleared further to reveal Auron swaggering towards his companions. The scene was effectively ruined by a coughing fit.
The X's immediately rushed the unsent guardian and began fussing over him, their eyes glittering with awe. The other Y's stood around grumbling that they had fought hard too you know. They scowled as the older man stood patiently amidst the mod of females as if women throwing themselves at him was a daily occurrence. When he finally did rejoin the Y's, it was with a smug expression crouching on his face.
"Did you cry?" Auron teased Tidus, drawing derisive snort from the boy.
"As if. You can't kill what ain't dead."
"He was gonna cry." Wakka interjected, shoving Tidus playfully.
With the group reunited, the companions finished their trek back to the ship to wait for Cid. They listened for a few hours as Wakka whined about how hungry he was. By the end of the third hour, Lulu and Kimahri were both seriously contemplating murder. Of course Kimahri insisted that under Ronso Law, it would be considered a 'mercy killing'. Even Rikku was put off by the whining and chucked a sandball, made with a generous glob of machina oil, at Wakka and gave him a 'beh'. (You know, that thing anime characters do where they pull down an eyelid and stick out their tongues. The 'Beh'.)
The girl had a good arm, Auron thought with a touch of amusement. He noticed that the nation of Crash Site had split into two states. On the left was the state of Whinealot, which was in habited by a red-haired, beefy race whose current population was one. To the right was the state of Rapidlydwindlingpatience, which was inhabited by a hodgepodge of races existing in harmony, population six.
War broke out shortly after the birth of the two states when Rapidlydwindlingpatience had attacked by Whinealot. Sand flew back and forth over the border and killed a couple minutes of boredom (which happened to get caught in the line of fire). It also brought a brief respite to the whining, at least until Tidus got sand in his eyes. A cease-fire was called when Cid finally showed up.
Tidus sat next to Wakka on the bridge (he had drawn the short straw and been told that Bad Things would happen if he didn't sit next to his fellow guardian). The older man was finishing off the last streaks of pudding from the bowl. He had eaten the entire three course meal by himself, and had thoroughly inspected the leavings in case he had missed anything edible.
Auron leaned against the hallway bulkhead, relieved that they were leaving the awful desert. It would be another Mile Stone on his Highway of Life, to which would be attached a picture of himself wearing a T-shirt that displayed the words 'I survived'. There would also be a coconut bra, a miniature sandworm fiend souvenir, and several decaying skin flakes.
Wakka was still complaining of hunger. The X's were in a huddle near the Save/Play Blitzball/Return to Ship sphere, gossiping while Brother tried and failed to infiltrate their ranks. Tidus had learned from experience that when in a group, women were surrounded by a repulsion barrier. Anyone approaching uninvited instantly hit the barrier and was rebuffed. Brother experienced the effects first hand. Lulu glanced up as he approached and pinned him with a glare as sharp and stinging as any slap. The Al Bhed man reeled and wandered off, wondering what had just happened.
Tidus was watching Brother's attempts to get Yuna's attention when Wakka poked him for the fifteenth time in five minutes, and asked.
"Hey brudda, got any food?" With a flash of irritation, Tidus reached up and peeled off a large skin flake from his shoulder. With flawless innocence he held it up to Wakka and said.
"Wanna chip?"
End
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