Letters
Jaina Kenobi
Elizabeth did, eventually, awaken, but it was not until late the next morning. She felt completely drained, and it took her a moment to remember why. When she did, she opened her eyes with a jolt, wondering if it had been some sort of dreadful dream, but Jane and Georgiana materialized on either side of her bed and she could tell from their expressions that it was not.
"Jane, I cannot..." she began to whisper.
Jane shook her head. "No one expects anything of you right now, Lizzy, save that you rest and allow yourself time to heal."
"Time to heal? I cannot heal from this. Oh, would that I had died as well!" Elizabeth cried.
"Lizzy!"
"Don't 'Lizzy' me, Jane Bingley, you know nothing of how I feel!"
"You are not the only one who lost someone very dear to you, Elizabeth," Georgiana said softly. "Please, I know that we cannot imagine your pain, but that does not mean that we aren't experiencing pain of our own. I lost my brother--indeed, in some ways, I lost my father--and I daresay my pain is no less than yours."
"But you did not lose your baby, too," Elizabeth snapped, "and you cannot know how that feels. I beg you would both leave me alone, for nothing you can say could possibly improve my disposition."
Jane and Georgiana exchanged glances and nodded. Together, they rose and began to leave, but Elizabeth stopped them just as they were almost out of her room. "Jane!"
She turned without a word, and Elizabeth said softly, "I am sorry, Jane. It's just... I..." She stopped and sighed. "Will you do something for me?"
"Of course!"
"In my writing desk is a stack of papers tied with a red ribbon. Would you bring them to me?"
Jane smiled warmly. "Gladly, Elizabeth. I will return with them directly."
"Thank you, Jane." Inside the writing desk were all the letters Elizabeth had received from her husband, tied in a neat bundle with a red silk ribbon. The collection included the letter which he had written at Kent, and which she had somehow never gotten around to burning as he had requested.
"Nor shall it ever be burnt, now!" she thought firmly. "Every word from his hand is far too dear to part with." She hoped that to read the letters would give her a sense of her husband's presence, and she was desperate for some sort of consolation, however shallow. Jane brought the letters quickly, and stayed only long enough to establish that Lizzy was not hungry before she left her sister alone to grieve.
vVvVvVv
Later that afternoon, a lone horse came galloping along the road to Pemberley with all the speed it could muster. Its rider was tired, sore and disheveled, but no worse for the considerable wear he had suffered recently. Mr. Darcy was unaware of the news that had reached his home the day previous, but he suspected that they had been notified of the carriage accident and were terribly worried for him. He had indeed been thrown clear, but had landed in a soft patch of moss and suffered little more than a few scrapes and a sore rear, which had borne the brunt of his fall (and which was not improved by the long horseback ride he had undertaken since). He was anxious to return as quickly as possible and reassure his family of his well-being, but he could sense that neither he nor the horse he rode were in the best condition, so he did not push the mare as much as he would have liked over this last stretch.
Finally, though, he was rewarded with the sight of Pemberley in the distance, and he sat up straighter in his saddle. It would be mere minutes now! His horse sensed his change in mood and sped up, recognizing that there was a barn in her future if she could but get there. They arrived at the barn more quickly than Darcy had hoped, and he jumped off the horse almost before she stopped moving. He called for a stable boy and handed the mare to him, wondering why the poor lad looked like he'd just seen a ghost. He made a mental note to check up on the boy later, and make sure that he wasn't ill. At the moment, all he wanted was to be reunited with his family.
He jogged up the stairs and burst through the front door of the house, nearly knocking his sister over, as she had been reaching out to open that very door.
"Georgiana!" he said happily, reaching out to greet her with a hug. She stared at him, wide-eyed, for half a second before she threw herself at him with such force that she nearly knocked him over.
"Oh, Fitzwilliam! We received an express yesterday morning telling us that you had been killed in a carriage accident! It was the most dreadful day--Lizzy fainted and was abed all day, I could hardly think past my grief, and poor Mr. Bennet was so overwhelmed with trying to help us both cope he finally locked himself in the library with a bottle of port and didn't come out for hours," she said in a rush. "Jane and Charles Bingley arrived last evening and Mr. Bingley went to your study to help Mr. Bennet resolve your affairs, and Jane and I went to Lizzy. We stayed with her all night but she didn't wake until this morning and oh, William, she is so terribly distraught, and I fear she is not well at all."
It took Mr. Darcy a few minutes to process all of this information, and he was certain that some of it had still escaped him, but he understood the important part very well. "Elizabeth is ill? Where is she?"
"In her chambers," Georgiana said. "She said she wanted to be alone and refused anything from anyone all day. She will not even allow us to offer her food; she has not eaten since yesterday morning. Jane and I are dreadfully worried for her."
Mr. Darcy nodded impatiently. "I shall go to her. You must spread the news that I am not dead--I believe I gave that poor stable boy quite a fright with my sudden appearance just now," he said with a rueful smile. "Oh! and have something sent up for Lizzy and I. I am terribly hungry and I'm sure she is the same."
He rushed up the stairs, his fatigue forgotten in his hurry, taking the steps two or three at a time. He could hear her crying from the top of the stairs, and he practically ran to her room. He burst through the door to see her laying on her bed, turned away from him, sobbing. A clumsy pile of papers sat next to her, almost completely concealing a scrap of red ribbon. One sheet was clutched in her hand, but she was not paying it any mind. Her cries were those of absolute agony, and he hastened to her side to make them stop.
"Lizzy!" She stopped crying and looked up, but did not turn around. "Elizabeth!" She turned as he dropped to his knees on the bed beside her. "Elizabeth, dearest..."
He did not get any further than that, as Elizabeth gave a cry of joy and threw her arms around him. "Fitzwilliam! Oh, God, Will, we thought... we thought you were dead..." And with this she gave a sob and began crying all over again, much to Darcy's surprise. He kissed her forehead and pulled her into his lap, murmuring what reassurance he could to her as she continued to cry.
"I'm sorry, Lizzy," he said. "I never thought word would get back to you that I had died. The accident was surely not so bad as you were led to believe, for I am quite well, only a little sore."
She shook her head and tried to compose herself. Eventually, she managed to gasp, "I thought... I should never see you again." Another sob. "I did not know what to think, I only wanted you... and I could never have you again." She kissed his cheek and sniffed, finally having managed to cease her unladylike wailing. "I am sorry, Dearest. I didn't mean to begin crying again, only I couldn't help myself."
"No, don't apologize. I understand--your emotions must have been everywhere today. I am only glad I did not make you wait any longer before I returned." He kissed her gently and stroked her hair. "I'm the one who ought to be sorry, Elizabeth." He looked down and saw that she was still clutching the paper he'd seen earlier. "What's this?" he asked, trying to pull it from her hand.
She pulled away, blushing. "Nothing. Just... nothing."
"Elizabeth, surely you don't feel as if you need to hide anything from me. Is it a letter I sent you?"
"Ye-es, but you don't want to read it," she stammered.
He chuckled at that. "I wrote it, didn't I? Why shouldn't I like to read it?" He reached for it again, but she pulled it away.
"You wrote it, so it cannot have anything to say that you don't already know," she insisted.
Darcy was getting impatient. "Be reasonable, Elizabeth. I cannot be angry with you unless the letter isn't from me, and since you already admitted that it is, I can't imagine that it won't be. Just let me see it." Reluctantly, she let him pry it from her grasp. He gently unfolded it, trying not to tear it or smear it any more than her tears already had. The date was already smeared beyond legibility, but the remainder looked well enough. He began to read it out loud:
"Miss Bennet." He paused and looked up. "An old one." Elizabeth did nothing but nod sheepishly. He continued, "Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any sentiments or renewal of those offers..." He trailed off as he realized exactly which letter he held. Elizabeth could not meet his eyes, and he had to look at the letter again to make sure he had read it aright. "I write without any intention of paining you, or humbling myself, by dwelling on wishes which, for the happiness of both, cannot be too soon forgotten," he muttered, shaking his head at his words. "Thank God I was wrong. But Elizabeth, I thought you had burned this before we married."
"I meant to," she said quietly, still unwilling to meet his eye. "Not that it would have mattered, because I believe I had it memorized long before then. But somehow I never got around to it. And then, today, I resolved never to burn it, for I could not part with anything from your hand. It has long ceased to give me pain, William."
"I can hardly believe that, as it says nothing very flattering to either of us. But if it gave you some comfort today, I shall not endeavour to part you from it again. I can only ask that you keep it from my sight, as it serves only to remind me of things I would much rather forget." He smiled at her. "But I am not angry with you, Lizzy, as you so clearly feared I would be."
"I didn't really believe you would be angry," she said with a small smile. "But I thought you would be disappointed, and that is almost as bad."
He burst out laughing. "You sounded absolutely childlike, Elizabeth. I am somewhat disappointed to find that this letter still exists, but I can perfectly comprehend your reasons for retaining it and I do not blame you in the least for not complying with my selfish request. Now, I rode all the way home today in the worst sort of suspense, and you promised to tell me your surprise right away. I cannot wait any longer: what has excited you so?"
She froze, and for the second time since his return tried uncomfortably to squirm away from him. "It's nothing," she whispered. "Not any more."
"Nothing? After all those hints, all those allusions to your wonderful surprise, it's nothing?" He furrowed his brow and pulled her closer to him. She would not escape until he was satisfied. "No, I will not be fooled. Come, Lizzy, be serious. What is it that you wished to tell me?"
"Please, Fitzwilliam, do not ask me. It doesn't matter any more. I ruined it. I could not bear to tell you now." Despite all his efforts, she would not look him in the face, and he was beginning to worry.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Please, Dearest, something is troubling you. Tell me what has distressed you so." He lifted her chin so he could look at her and he was shocked to find her face streaked with fresh tears. "Elizabeth..."
She took a deep breath. "I was pregnant."
Wow. Just in case anyone wanted to know the secret of getting reviews, here it is: kill off Mr. Darcy. Or, at least, pretend to--I don't have the heart to actually do him in! Most of you apprehended as much, or at least wanted to believe as much (whether you actually believed me or not is debatable).
In truth, I had been planning to make them all think that Mr. Darcy died from the beginning. What I had not planned was the loss of the baby, but when in earlier chapters I added in the unexpected detail of Elizabeth's pains, I realized as I wrote that last chapter that I'd set myself up perfectly for a miscarriage. Besides, that gives me the opportunity of writing a few more chapters, since now I have to resolve that plot point, too. :) So keep reading! I don't know where we're going from here, but I hope it'll be fun!
Jaya
