Disclaimer: I wish that I had the stuff from Darren Shan but I don't so now I made myself sad.
Authors note: hello people who read this! I'm sorry that I took forever in typing and updating this but in the words of Kakashi sensei ' I got lost on the road of life' for those of you who don't know who he is then I am deeply appalled. Naruto is one of the greatest shows EVER and the world should know of its existence! By the way so I don't get sued or something I no own Naruto cuz if I did Sasuke would have pink hair, gay sorry gai sensei, rock lee (a.k.a. bushy eyebrows), and sakura + some random people I just don't like would all be eaten by the Onbu or something else. So yeah plz no sue or I'll sue back. I wish to thank all those who reviewed cuz they actually reviewed. Thank you GunnerGirl and chibichibichanchi for giving me these ideas so I can use them! Thanks those who gave me ideas too and I really appreciate them! Sorry if the story sucks!
Kurda was sitting in his coffin when a vampire stepped into his room.
Vampire: General Kurda! I have been given a package to deliver to you from Mr. Crepsley. Here it is sir. Hands him the small cardboard box he was holding.
Kurda: thank you, you may leave now. Ooh a package from Larten! I wonder what it is? Only one way to find out. He opened the small package by using one of his fingernails to cut open the top of it from the tape. Hmn a cell phone? Well that's interesting but why did he give me a cell phone? Oh a letter! Dear Kurda, I have taken away Darren's phone and have given it to you. Please tell everyone that your new cell number is Darren's and that Darren no longer has a cell to call to. Have fun with your new phone! Oh so this is Darren's phone, I wonder what he has on here!
Kurda spent some time playing Snake 2 on his new phone. After awhile he got frustrated at not being able to beat Darren's high score and decided to see what else he has. He looked through his address book then his speed dial, he was about to just give up finding anything interesting when he found that Darren had 1 recording.
Kurda: I wonder what it says in here if it's the only one. It must be important so I will just have to hear it to see if it's about me.
Kurda starts to listen to the conversation going between Gavner and Mr. Crepsley. When he hears what Gavner said about what he did Kurda's mouth dropped open.
He just stood there with his mouth wide open, looking like if you just barely pushed him he would fall to the floor. He was like that all the way until the end of the recording. When it finished he stood there then a smile started to tug at his lips and it was all he could manage to not burst out laughing.
Kurda: Larten is probably scarred for life and Gavner's still looking for someone to bury him, now would be a good time to be a friend and do something to comfort him in his time of rejection from Larten. I have the perfect plan!
Kurda mentally prepares him self and tries on lots of different voices until he had the perfect one. Coughs a few times then grabs the phone and dials Gavner's number. It rings a few times before Gavner picks it up.
Gavner: hello, if you're calling for any other reason besides helping to bury me then please hang up now.
Kurda (with seductive fake voice): Well hello to you too big boy. I just called cuz I heard you liked weak prey, any time, any where, I'm all yours cause I'm sooo ready for you!"
Gavner: u-um l-lis-listen y-you. I-I don't kn-know who you a-are but I- I'm not g-gay so ju-st leave me a-lone.
Kurda: ohh but Gavner, are you saying that you only have eyes for that old bat Larten? What does he have that I don't?
Gavner: well he-he's the on-only one for-for me…wait a min- minute how do you know about me and lar-larten?
Kurda: because my dear sweet Gavner I know everything!
Gavner: Who are y-you!
Kurda: gasp HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM! JUST FOR THAT GAVNER PURL I HATE YOU! GOOD-BYE NOW AND FOREVER!
True to his word he turned the cell phone off and went in the fetal position in his coffin to laugh.
A/N the fetal position I think it's called is when you have your hands linked together and you elbow at the sides of your face. Like I said I think that is what it's called. I guess I should've paid more attention to that policeman when I was in elementary. He came to my elementary to talk about rabid animal safety. Go figure I would ever have to know something from him.
Gavner: got over his stuttering who the hell was he? Why did he want me? I wonder if he was stupid enough to not hide his number with 67? Looks at his phone hah he was and it was…DARREN! Darren is secretly in love with me? That would explain how he knew about me and Larten but I'm a bit old for him and I thought he was dating Debbie. I guess he found out that Larten is also dating her and it broke his heart so much that he had to call me, his closes friend. sniff I am so honored that I must confront him about this issue! sniffs and has a tear rolling down his cheek
Gavner calls darrens cell phone. He suddenly hears "I ain't no holler back girl by Gwen stiffani" echoing off from somewhere in the mountain.
Gavner: hahaha some one has that gay song as a ringtone! They better pick it up soon before someone finds them and makes fun of them. That's odd Darren's not picking up. He must have forgotten his phone somewhere, I guess I should call Larten.
Gavner calls Mr. Crepsley on his cell.
Mr.Crepsley: Gavner I don't want to talk to you so go bury yourself already and don't come out until you're dead!
Gavner: I guess you're still mad at me huh? I said sorry! Besides I don't want to talk to you I just want Darren. I couldn't reach him on his cell phone so can you please get him for me it's important.
Mr. Crepsley: damn right I still hate you! why should I let you talk to Darren? So you could turn him into the dark side against me?
Gavner: no I just need to talk to him about something important. I promise not to corrupt him!
Mr. Crepsley: fine let me get him. DARREN GET YOUR LASY ASS OVER HERE! GAVNER WANTS TO TALK TO YOU! he'll be over here in a few seconds Gavner so remember if you turn him into hating me I'll kill you!
Darren: Gavner what do you want? I'm supposed to be bored with Evra right now so make it quick.
Gavner: Darren there is no need to play dumb! I know it was you who called me a few minutes ago and I just wanted to say it's okay if you're gay! I know that I am one of your closes friends and that I (dramatic pause) am like a father too you. I know that it must be tough on you to know that your mentor is going out with Debbie and I know that you really just called me acting that way because you were unloved and you just threw yourself at me. But you and I know that it'll never be. I am a vampire in my 200eds and you are but a half-vampire still not in your 100's! I am sorry for rejecting you but you must understand we are to different and if you must you should go after your friend Evra.
Darren:… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I AM NOT GAY AT ALL! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I WOULD CALL YOU SAYING THAT I WANT YOU JUST BECAUSE MR.CREPSEY'S DATING A GIRL NAMED DEBBIE? I'M CURRENTLY DATING A GIRL NAMED DEBBIE TOO AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION EVRA IS ALSO DATING A DEBBIE! HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT I WOULD LIKE EVRA OR LIKE YOU THAT WAY AT ALL! WHO WOULD LIKE AN OLD VAMPIRE LIKE YOURSELF ANYWAYS, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT SNORE SO LOUD AN AVALANCHE WOULD OCCUR 30 MILES AWAY! IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PHONE ANYMORE SO HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVEN CALL YOU! gasping for air now from both lack of oxygen and rage
Gavner: sniffs I see. No one really does love me huh? I'm just a smelly old vampire who snores loud. I guess this means that you don't think of me as a father huh?
Darren: starts to feel sorry for the vampire now Gavner I-
Gavner: no before you reject me more I must tell you something as your pretend father. Mr. Crepsley is going out with Debbie Hemlock and your friend Evra might also be going out with her too.
Darren: LIES! Debbie wouldn't go out with an old fart like Mr. Crepsley and Evra's my best mate, he wouldn't go and steal my girlfriend! I think that you are a lying old man who snores and has girlfriends with bad taste in boxers. I hate you so go away! Trying to hold back tears so he has that voice you get when your trying not to cry.
Gavner: Darren, listen to me, why would I lie to you? I think of you as a young half vampire who would be a great addition to our clan. I only told you so that you wouldn't get hurt more later on. And besides you know I'm telling the truth or else you would have hanged up by now.
Darren: sigh yeah I guess you're right. I should have known something was up when she called the hotel we were staying at to talk to Evra for 2 hours and then Mr. Crepsley. You know what she didn't even bother talking to me for 2 months, and that was about the same time both Larten and Evra both talked on the phone for hours every day. Now that I have found this out I am going to extract complete and total chaos on all three of them so I bid you farewell-
Gavner: wait! Who has your cell phone? Someone called me from it.
Darren:…I forgot. Mr. Crepsley sent it to someone but I forgot who cuz I ate some of Mr. Crepsley's Rum Raisin ice cream and I guess that they added actual rum in it. I learned that I can not hold my rum that day. Shutters well any way I'm going to go scare Debbie to death, bye!
Darren hangs up the phone and decides to run over to Debbie's since it was kind of close.
A/N: you don't want to know what happened to her. But to sum it up she's…DEAD! Mwhahahahahahahahahhaha cough yeah and well evra and mr. Creplsey were never the same after Darren was through with them. Nope never fully recovered or remembered everything that happened but lets just say they have an immense fear of clowns and other mysterious things used to torture them. Sadly though they have forgotten the reason why they were tortured or who actually tortured them. They also forgot the reason why they know Debbie but they do know that she is evil like the clowns.
Authors note: I know I said that this was going to be both gunnergirls and chibichibichanchi's ideas but I'm tired so I'll do that next chapter! So I guess I was right in saying that this chapter sucked and it really wasn't as funny as the last two. Oh well I'll try to wright the next chapter really soon since I already have the idea so bye and review plz.
