Managed a quick update this time! Hooray!

The update only happened this fast because my car broke down so I'm stuck at home right now! Boo!


Interlude: Robin

There is a saying I have heard of, one that comes from a world I have never known and can never visit: "Ignorance is Bliss."

I don't know who first said it, but I can't help but think that Ben had a point the first time he mentioned it to me. Life was a great deal simpler for me two months ago, but with each new thing I learn, each new experience I find to add to my limited repertoire, I feel the growing pressure of complications. Every fact is a new point to consider, a new piece in the game, and when I fail to account for a piece it leads to nothing good.

My short-sightedness cost Regna Ferox the lives of two soldiers. It also may very well have cost us our chance at an allegiance with the warrior nation. If things go poorly enough, it could also cost the life of one of my first friends.

Ever since the absolute disaster of a fight at the Longfort things amongst the Shepherds have been tense. The severity of our situation seems to have dealt a serious blow to morale here, and it's showing more and more as time passes. Lissa does not laugh as loud or often as she used to, Chrom's temper grows increasingly worse, and even Vaike, who dislikes Ben on the best of days, seems to hate the present situation.

And it all comes to a head here. The Shepherds have been led to Gelida Dominus, the largest city in Eastern Ferox, by Commander Raimi and a small group of her best men. Now that Chrom has proven his identity to the woman she's been nothing but accommodating, and our rooms in this city have been accommodating. The trip here was rather easy as well, the early snowfall finally melting away the day after our arrival in the country.

The air is still damnably cold (unless you're Ben, who is infuriatingly comfortable in it), but apparently this is nothing unusual this far north. Hearing Raimi declare this in that abrasive tone of hers does nothing to make me feel better though.

There is little that could improve my opinion of this situation, in all honesty.

"Robin, you look more nervous than I am, chill dude." Ben comments from my left, nudging me with an elbow.

I glare at him in response. "You seem awfully composed for somebody who claims to be nervous."

Ben lets out an uneasy giggle at that. "Man, I'm fucking petrified. Just… bullshitting my way through this."

"I would advise not attempting to 'bullshit' the Khan." Frederick speaks up from behind us. "The Khans of Regna Ferox may be proud warriors, but they are no less cunning for it. If you put on an act, they will see through it easily."

"That bodes well for me then." Ben grumbles. Lissa pats him comfortingly on the shoulder.

Chrom, the last member of our small group, glances back for a brief moment, but continues on without pause. He walks a distance ahead of us, being led by Raimi to the room where we are to meet with the Eastern Khan.

Chrom and Lissa attend the meeting as members of the Ylissean ruling family, Frederick and I attend for our roles as military leaders within The Shepherds, and Ben attends to be judged for his actions last week.

If I feel pressured right now, I can't imagine how he feels.

Finally, we reach our destination, a large room at the end of the hall that blasts us with blessedly warm air as Raimi opens the door. It looks to be a private study of sorts, though with less books and more… dead animals. The walls and floor of the room are all covered with furs, and the large fireplace taking up the far wall is adorned with antlers. No doubt the fur is what keeps this room so well insulated, I'll have to see if I can buy some before leaving.

The middle of the room has two couches, each flanking the fireplace, and a large armchair sits with its back to the fire. A low table is placed directly in the middle of the seats. Chrom looks towards Raimi, as though asking for permission to be seated, but Ben and Lissa have no such reservations, stalking past the rest of us and collapsing together on one of the couches.

"Oh my gosh, this is so comfortable!" Lissa gushes as she lays along the length of the seat.

"It's pretty good, yeah." Ben replies, sitting at the end, and immediately being readjusted by Lissa so she can rest her head on his leg. His only response is to raise an eyebrow and give her a bemused smile.

"Milady, this is hardly the proper time to act in such a manner!" Frederick cries in outrage.

"Well it's not like I can lie down like this once the Khan gets here!" Lissa waves her arm dismissively in the air. Ben snorts in response, his smile broadening, creeping across the left side of his face.

Chrom gives me a look, no doubt understanding what his sister is doing as well as I do. Her childish actions can be irritating at times to be sure (I have little love for her pranks), but when tensions are high they can be a godsend. Ben's silence has stopped being quite so brooding and sullen, and grown into something more comfortable, if only for the time being.

Frederick huffs, taking a seat in the middle of the other couch. Seeing nothing better to do, Chrom and I take our places on either side of him, and Raimi takes her leave to go fetch the Khan.

"She's still pretty pissed at me, huh?" Ben comments once the door closes.

"Was she?" I blink and look back to the door. "I didn't notice."

"Oh yeah, she hates my guts. Been glaring at me for days now." He grins fully as he looks back at me. "That woman scares the shit out of me, honestly."

"She has good reason to be mad." Chrom frowns. "You killed two of her men!"

Ben's grin drops as he looks over Chrom. "Yup." His expression grows hard.

"You know you're here to beg forgiveness from the Khan for killing those men, don't you?"

"That's certainly why you brought me." Ben growls, rolling his eyes.

There's a pregnant pause as Ben's words sink in. Lissa sits up from his lap and looks over at him nervously.

"Ben." Frederick says slowly, trembling with sudden rage. "Why is it exactly that you think you're here?"

"I'm here because you told me to be here." Ben replies. "I'm doing my job."

"Not out of a sense of moral obligation. Or a need to make amends for your actions."

Ben's eyes widen, and he goes deathly silent. He takes a deep breath. Then another. Lissa and I look at each other in alarm. The last time either of us saw Ben like this was when he first met Vaike, and we can't have him trying to make a hasty escape like he did then.

"I think this conversation had best be put off until later." Chrom says suddenly, putting a hand on Frederick's shoulder and sending him a look. "As long as Ben remembers to be as respectful to the Khan as he can we'll be fine."

Ben recognizes the warning tone in Chrom's voice and stiffens further, but manages a shaky nod. Chrom grimaces at the response. No doubt he was attempting to ease tensions there, but he's probably the only person who feels the pressure of the situation more than Ben does and it shows.

It's a testament to Ben's mental strength that he went this long without panicking. And by that logic, an even further testament to Chrom that he remains level-headed. I look around the room and find myself wondering if I should start panicking as well. Chrom and Ben are both stretched to breaking point, Lissa has her hands full trying to keep them from crossing that line, and I have no clue what I'm doing!

When did strategizing for a private militia of elite soldiers become so complicated? Life was so much simpler when we were just killing bandits. But now we're stuck in a huge political quagmire, one of my best friends is in huge trouble, and I can't stop thinking it's all my fault for putting him in this situation in the first place! If I'd just planned better Donnel wouldn't have been cornered like that, and we could have won that fight without accidentally committing a war crime!

"Guys, you need to knock it off!" Lissa snaps suddenly, surprising us all. "This isn't anybody's fault, it was just an accident, and we need to move past it! We're here to save Ylisse, and that's what we need to be focusing on."

I blink, and look over to Chrom and Frederick, who have equally astonished expressions on their faces. "Were we that obvious?"

"Uhh, yeah? You're boys, you're not complicated." Lissa scoffs and rolls her eyes. "All four of you are kicking yourselves."

"Not really." Ben snarls, expression fixed on the floor. "I don't regret anything I did."

"Excuse me?"

We all freeze, and not just because of the cold air I'm only now noticing creep across the room. I turn towards the door nervously and see Raimi standing in the frame, staring at Ben with absolute murder in her eyes.

Ben blinks, looks up in surprise, and flinches. "Awful quiet for all that armor, aren't you?"

Raimi rushes Ben before anyone can react, hauling him out of his seat and slamming his back onto the table. "You have a lot of nerve." She hisses furiously.

I scramble to my feet, ready to intervene, aware of the others doing the same beside me, but before we can take action something odd happens. Somebody starts laughing. It takes me far longer than it should to realize that Ben is the one doing it, but when I realize as much it's enough to shock me into stillness.

"Not really." Ben giggles hysterically. "Not much empathy either, I'm afraid." His giggling only increases when Raimi's punch bounces his head on the table. "Fine, fuck it, you're going to kill me? Go for it. Won't make you feel better and we both know it!" He breaks into full on crazed laughter when Raimi punches him again.

"Damn you! How dare you laugh in my face? After everything you did!" Raimi howls in frustration, shaking Ben even as two guards rush in and grab her. "You monster!"

"You're a fucking idiot!" Ben laughs. "A stupid bitch who picked a fight but can't handle losing. I killed those men to keep myself and Donnel alive. My actions were to keep the only people I give a FUCK about ALIVE. And all you had to do to keep your people alive was just. FUCKING. LISTEN!" He starts laughing more, and I feel my blood run cold at the tone of it.

He has a warm laugh, usually. Deep, full, laughter that shakes his whole body. It's also normally the only time he smiles fully, his usual expression being something closer to a smirk. Right now though, his laughter is sharp, cold, inhumane…

Inhumane really is the best word for it. The only word for it. I look at this man, one of my first friends amongst the Shepherds, as he laughs in Raimi's face. Laughs in the face of a woman who lost two men under her command to him. And I don't like or recognize what I see.

Then Raimi starts punching in earnest and the illusion is broken, it's my friend on the table, and I have to stop her-

Frederick's arm holds me back, and I turn to see him blocking Chrom as well. "Hold, you two. The situation is being handled." He says firmly, nodding towards the door as a dark-skinned woman in armor rushes in, accompanied by several guards. "We must not escalate this situation further."

The woman wastes no time, stepping forward and easily hauling Raimi, armor and all, off the table with one hand and tossing her towards the waiting guards, who secure her easily.

"Raimi, take a week off." The woman says quietly.

"No, wait boss, I can still-"

"One week. No more, no less. Consider it an order." She orders sternly, but not unkindly. "I want you at your best when you return."

"… Understood." Raimi replies bitterly, letting the guards escort her out. The door closes behind them, leaving us alone with the newcomer.

"Is he alright?" The woman asks, and I jolt in my seat as I realize I have no idea.

Thankfully Lissa is way ahead of the rest of us in that regard, having rushed forward with her staff the moment Raimi was gone. "He'll be alright." She says, in a tone that seems forcibly calm to me. "Nothing I can't fix." And it's true, he looks mostly fine, but I can see the telltale spatter of blood on the table and feel sick to my stomach. Something about the situation feels so much heavier than a normal battle.

"Good." The woman replies with a frown, turning towards Chrom. "Prince Chrom of Ylisse. My apologies for Raimi. She's very protective of her men, never takes it well when any of them die. This is probably the first time she hasn't been able to kill the guy responsible."

Chrom takes a moment to respond, still staring at Ben in shock, but recovers quickly. "Khan Flavia of Regna Ferox. I owe you an apology as well. This was not what I hoped to accomplish by bringing Ben here."

"Looking to beg for mercy?" Flavia smirks, before turning down to Ben. "Was that what you had in mind then? Wanted your soldier to cry for forgiveness?"

"Don't know what the fuck I'm doing here." Ben grumbles, finally over that disturbing laughing fit. He sits up, rubbing his head irritably.

"You were brought here to apologize, Ben." Lissa sighs, "You killed their people."

"And if I didn't they'd have killed Donnel and me." Ben shoots back irritably. "I'm not sorry."

"You're saying that to my face?" Flavia raises an eyebrow.

"After the shit I just pulled? I'm not feeling too shy anymore." Ben sighs and looks Flavia in the eye. "As far as I'm concerned, those men had to die."

"That right?"

"Yes." Ben stands strong for another minute, before visibly deflating. "I will say however, that your men were the first people I ever killed that didn't deserve it."

The two meet each other's eye for what feels like an eternity. I can't help but feel like Ben's playing his own game right now, using his own strategy. If so, it's a game I don't think I'll be able to play any time soon. I don't think I want to either.

I think again on the way his expression twisted mere minutes earlier and feel that sick feeling in my gut deepen.

Finally, Flavia smirks. "Well it's good to know the guy who killed two of my men has some guts to him."

Then she punches Ben in the jaw.

I thought Chrom had a heavy punch, but Flavia makes him look weak in comparison. The blow carries Ben off the table and right into the couch, sending the furniture toppling and Lissa diving for cover.

Chrom freezes, Frederick jumps to his feet, and I furiously grab at my belt before remembering that I left my weapons back in my room. Across the table, Lissa flies to her feet and rushes around the toppled couch.

Flavia turns to us, an amused look on her face as she shakes her hand. "I'll let him off the hook with that, I think."

"Auuuugh." I relax at the groan that comes from behind the couch. If Ben is still conscious after that, then she can't have been trying to hurt him too badly. Which means I don't have any reason to start another diplomatic incident. As tempting as the idea may be right now.

"You'll…" Chrom looks over at Ben in bewilderment, then back at Flavia, then over to us. Frederick still hasn't taken his eyes off the Khan, clearly taken off guard by the sudden blow. I can only shrug, feeling further out of my depth by the second. "Wait, that's it? One punch and it's over?"

"Try fucking taking one and see if you still think it's nothing, asshole!" Ben slurs, only to be shushed sternly by Lissa.

"That's it." Flavia nods, ignoring Ben entirely. "At the end of the day, that fight was caused by Plegian bullshit and my men being over eager. They tried to kill your people and got killed in return. I'm pissed it came to this, but if I'm blaming anyone? I'm blaming the rat bastards who set my men up to kill your people. And make no mistake: you lost a great many men to my guards. Let's just say your man there evened the score."

"If we're even then why the FUCK did you punch me?" Ben bellows, hauling himself up using the couch as a crutch.

"Because you're an asshole." Flavia gives Ben an unimpressed look.

Ben opens his mouth to protest, before seemingly thinking better of it. "Okay fair." He sighs, before looking back to Chrom. "Can I go now?"

Chrom opens his mouth to reply, pauses, and looks questioningly to Flavia. Flavia snorts at the look and jerks her head towards the door. "Hell yeah, get him out of here."

"Thank you kindly." Ben replies, and I do believe that's the most sarcasm he's ever said that with before. He stalks towards the door, but pauses before leaving. He looks back to us, with an expression I'd describe less as conflicted and more as tortured. "I… uhh… look, I'm… sorry for being a fuckup, I guess." He leaves before any of us can think to respond.

Lissa looks between Ben and the rest of us for a few moments before declaring "I'd better keep an eye on him," and running out the door. I find myself wishing desperately I could join her. I don't want to leave Ben alone like that.

"And so the Princess of Ylisse vacates yet another diplomatic meeting." Frederick sighs. "Not that she's incorrect."

Flavia barks out a laugh at that, kicks the couch back into place, and takes a seat across from us. "Quite the interesting bunch, you Shepherds."

"I consider it to be one of our charms." Chrom replies absentmindedly, still staring at the door Ben and Lissa left through. Then suddenly, as though awakening from a trance, he shakes his head and turns back to face Flavia. "You're certain that this is enough to make amends between us?"

"What, you want me to execute him?" Flavia scowls. I tense again, but Frederick nudges me harshly with an elbow, reminding me to keep my cool. I take my time regaining my cool as the conversation continues. Just think of it as you would a battle, Robin! Those are easy!

Chrom reels back in his seat at the accusation. "Not at all! I simply-"

"Then take my advice, one leader to another. Drop it." Flavia replies firmly. "I may run the government around here, but I have no patience for letting legal bullshit get in the way of common sense. It was a fight. People die in fights. There isn't a soldier in all of Regna Ferox who doesn't know this."

"I thank you for your understanding in the matter."

"Quit the flowery talk. We appreciate plain speech around here." Flavia rolls her eyes, draping her arms over the back of the sofa. "Now then, let's get to business."

"Er… right!" Chrom takes visible effort willing himself to relax, but recovers quickly from the sudden change in mood. "I am here to pursue an alliance between Ylisse and Regna Ferox, with the intention of sharing military resources and uniting against the Plegian threat."

"Figured as much." Flavia nods, face blank. "So you're looking for Regna Ferox to supplement your infantry. Probably a good call. Not like you stand a chance without us."

I turn to Chrom, and see his reaction is kept carefully neutral. Frederick on the other hand is bristling with indignation. I turn back to Flavia and see her eyeing me, a smirk on her face.

"What, didn't anybody tell you?" Flavia grins. "If war breaks out between Plegia and Ylisse, those Plegians are going to walk right over you. They may not have much for habitable land, but they have long held the largest shipping economy in the world, not to mention a wealth of mines tucked away in its mountain ranges. And while the Ylissean Purge slaughtered many a Plegian citizen, they had little effect on the wealthiest regions in the country."

None of this sounds promising. I've heard little of the previous war between Ylisse and Plegia, but if what Flavia says is true Ylisse is in trouble. It doesn't take a tactical expert to know that a wealthy country with a deadly grudge makes for a deadly combination. And I know precious little of the military state of Ylisse, my attentions to this point being focused largely within the Shepherds, but from what I've seen and heard the country has a dangerously small army for a country of its size.

These have all been dangerous oversights on my part, in retrospect. I make the decision to familiarize myself with all of Ylisse's military resources as soon as I return to the country.

Chrom looks outright furious as he speaks, "I'll ask that you not bring my father's war into this, Khan Flavia. It has little to do with Emmeryn."

Flavia's demeanor changes rapidly, as she leans forward to look Chrom in the eye. "I didn't take you for an idiot, Prince. Your father has everything to do with this. He took a long standing difference in religious ideals and elevated it into genocide. Even a brat like you should be old enough to remember those times. The atrocities your country committed. The blood on your family's hands."

"My sister has gone through hell to try and make that right!" Chrom snarls, rising from his seat.

"Making it right." Flavia scoffs, then seems to think better of it, leaning back in her seat again. "Well, I suppose I do owe her credit for that much. She's certainly not as hotheaded as you or that Plegian King. At any rate, we've gotten far away from my point. I want to know why I should join my forces with your meager army and piss Plegia off. What could I possibly have to gain?"

"Trade." Chrom answers immediately, looking confident in himself for the first time in this discussion. "Ylisse may still be recovering from the war, but there is no denying that we are unmatched in agriculture when compared to our neighbors. The Exalt is fully prepared to negotiate for generous trade deals in exchange for military support."

Flavia mulls it over for a while. "I'll admit, it's tempting. Our people could always use something extra for their larders, especially on my end of the country. But that's not enough for me to endorse pushing my people to support a lost cause."

"Ylisse is far from a lost cause." Frederick snaps back. "Our army may not be the size of Plegia's, but one Ylissean soldier is worth ten of those glorified brigands!"

"And you want my people to put their necks on the line because you said so?" Flavia replies coolly, getting to her feet. "I'm sorry for your troubles, Prince Chrom, but I don't see much of a reason to risk the lives of my people here. You are welcome to stay in Gelida Dominus as my guests as long as pleases you, but I will not carry you through your war."

And with that, she walks to the door. Chrom, Frederick and I exchange alarmed glances, but Chrom looks lost. He clearly wasn't expecting such extreme pushback from the Khan, and neither was anyone else in our group. Hell, even Ben thought this would go smoothly (though he voiced as much well before he killed two Feroxi soldiers).

But thinking of Ben reminds me of something else he mentioned to me, some hearsay he picked up on the road. And that gets me thinking.

It's crazy, and dangerous, but I may have an idea.

"The twins!" I burst out, rising to my feet.

Flavia, who already had her hand on the door, pauses. She turns back to face me. "What was that?"

"You have a bandit problem, one that threatens much of the land east of here." I declare with a grin. "Two twin brothers, leading the largest group of brigands this nation has ever seen, are decimating the countryside, using the mountains as cover."

"What's your point?" Flavia says this bluntly, but her face is more curious than anything.

"We, the Shepherds, will take care of them for you." I gesture to Chrom and Frederick. "We'll do what your soldiers have failed to do, and we will destroy those bandits. And we'll only use the people we brought with us to do it, no reinforcements from Ylisse or Regna Ferox."

"Is that right?" Flavia looks me over. "And what do you expect this to change, exactly?"

"It'll prove what Frederick said. That Ylisse's soldiers are of a higher quality. That we are strong enough to fight back against Plegia, and that it will be worth your time to support us."

Flavia stands silently by the door, mulling it over. Several minutes pass, before she seems to make up her mind, cracking a grin.

"Alright, if you pull it off I'll hear you out. But if you're going to do this, I want it done properly. You have two months. Two months to track them down, run them out of their stronghold, and destroy them so thoroughly they'll never blight my people again. Don't give them any time to regroup, or relocate."

I keep my face even, even as I feel the weight of that timeline suddenly settle on me.

"We'll get it done." Chrom answers on my behalf, stepping forward. "We'll prove to you what Ylisse is made of."

"See that you do. I'll send a servant around later to give you what information we do have, but after that, you're on your own." Flavia nods. "Good hunting."

She throws the door open and stalks out into the cold halls of the keep, the door slamming shut behind her. I collapse into my seat, breathing heavily.

"Thank Naga that worked." Chrom sighs in relief, before smiling gratefully at me. "Quick thinking, Robin."

Frederick nods along, giving me an inquisitive look. "Indeed, you may very well have saved us with that deal. But if I may ask, how did you know about those bandits?"

"Ben mentioned them to me a few nights ago. I guess he heard about them from one of the travelling merchants we passed on the road."

"He certainly has a talent for noticing useful information." Chrom sighs, glancing at the blood still on the table. "Though after what he pulled today… I would be lying if I didn't say I had concerns about his place with us."

"What?" I look to Chrom in shock, "Chrom you can't be serious! After everything we've been through, all the times he's risked his life for this group, you want to just throw him out."

"Want has nothing to do with it." Chrom replies angrily, glaring at me. "But what happened back there, the way Ben acted, the things he said…" He trails off, turning back to stare at the table again. "There was a side of him present today that I have not seen before. One that could easily prove dangerous to the Shepherds, and nearly cost the whole of Ylisse today."

I step forward to protest further, but to my surprise Frederick cuts me off. "Forgive me my Lord, but I believe you are mistaken in this regard."

Chrom and I both look to Frederick in surprise. "Really, Frederick?" Chrom looks up at the knight curiously. "You of all people are defending his actions?"

"I may have a reputation for being strict, but do recall that I have seen far more of this world over the years than you have, sire." Frederick replies, smiling for a brief moment before his expression grows serious once more. "The way Ben acted today is certainly worrying, but not for the reasons you may think. I believe it to be a sign of danger not to us, but to Ben himself. He is in my eyes, for all his tendency towards rational thinking, dangerously close to self-destructing."

I feel a lead weight settle in my chest.

"What?" Chrom replies, stunned. "You're saying that…"

"I am." Frederick replies grimly. "It is something I saw amongst many of my fellow knights in the wake of the last war."

"And you're sure?" Chrom looks to me questioningly, "Robin, you two are close, did you notice anything?"

"I… I had no idea." I answer, still feeling stunned. I turn to Frederick desperately, "It can't be true, surely? He's my friend, I would have seen something by now!"

"Not necessarily." Frederick replies solemnly, giving me an apologetic look. "He hides it well, for the most part. It was Lissa who suspected it first; her training as a healer has taught her to recognize signs of such a thing. Even then, she wasn't sure. Before today I wasn't certain either, and as I said I have no shortage of experience with these matters."

"Damn!" Chrom curses, "It makes perfect sense, doesn't it? The man has been dragged away from everything and everyone he knows. It's only natural he'd feel pressure of this sort!"

"…Indeed." Frederick replies, expression somber. "At any rate, Lissa has been doing what she can for him, and is in all likelihood the best person for this job. While I have known people in this situation before, I am not the best person for curing him. All I will recommend is that we continue to treat him as normal, for as long as he is with us."

"There's nothing more we can do for him?" I stare pleadingly up at Frederick, "Nothing at all?"

"I'm sorry Robin," Frederick replies, and his expression clearly shows that he is genuine in this. "This is a delicate matter, and I am hardly an expert. You may try asking Lissa, but I imagine she'll say much the same. Ben is not without his pride. The wrong approach could serve only to alienate him.

"I see." Chrom raises a hand to his chin pensively. "I suppose this is the time to defer to my sister's expertise, then. I'll try talking to her later. In the meantime however, we mustn't forget the task we've taken upon ourselves."

"Indeed." Frederick nods, "The task ahead of us is no small feat. To rout a bandit group of this size will require the entirety of our resources and skill."

"Right, I almost forgot!" I groan. "I'll need to find a more detailed map of Eastern Ferox before we go. And check the almanac. We only have a limited time before the winter grows too harsh for us… I hardly know where to begin with this, really. I don't know the enemy numbers, the location of their stronghold, the strength of their members, the local terrain… This is every tactician's worst nightmare!"

"We'll offer any help we can." Chrom claps me on the shoulder and hauls me back to my feet. "But for now, we should celebrate! It may not be in a way we're used to, but there is no denying that the Shepherds have snatched victory from the jaws of defeat today. Let's return to the others and share the good news."

We exit the room, immediately shivering in the cold, but Chrom's words manage to make even the miserable cold feel lighter. It's true, today's meeting was nearly a disaster, and the reasons for that will no doubt haunt me for a long time to come, but we made it through. The coming months will be challenging, but I will persevere, and guide the Shepherds as best as I can.

I only pray it will be enough.


So... yeah. Bit of a challenging chapter to write honestly, mostly due to the weirdness of trying to write this SI from an outside perspective. Hence why there's certain emphasis put on things like Ben's smile and laugh that you might find odd. What a person's own laugh sounds like or how they smile isn't really something I imagine people dwell on normally, but since this is a SI I have to kinda describe it to do the sudden personality shift justice.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but SI Ben is basically a fusion of my brain from two different points in my life. There's the part that's more emotionally stable, and the part that... isn't. I'm pleased to say that the part that isn't is definitely from a good six years or so ago, which is why I feel comfortable enough to talk about it via fanfiction like this. But boy oh boy, I was pretty fucking volatile back then. Lost a lot of friends by saying and doing stupid horrible shit, had all kinds of crazy mood swings, etc, etc.

I'm in a much better state nowadays, thankfully. Haven't had an episode like the one depicted here in years. But yeah, every weird mood you see here is something I've been through at least a few times over the course of my life. And as anyone who struggles with these problems will tell you, it never goes away completely. I still have days where I feel like there's no real hope in my life, or that I'll never amount to anything. But those are just days. They are fleeting moments.

So I guess this is my way of saying, if you ever feel like that, it happens to everybody, and while it will never go away completely, it sure as shit gets easier. Hold out, get antidepressants, find a therapist, do what you gotta do and you'll be okay, there's no shame in it.

Next time, we're back to Ben's point of view, jumping back into some Paralogues.