It was the middle of the night when suddenly someone let out a high-pitched scream. Hawkeye startled wide awake and was next to his screaming son in seconds, he knew what to do. He shook Chris gently to wake him up, the child stopped screaming and his eyes flew open.
Even in the dark Hawkeye saw a deep fear and sadness before the blue eyes started to water. It always broke his heart to see his son like this, he got the worst nightmares when he got stressed or hurt, after Trapper and Henry left, he awoke a couple of times a week screaming in terror, but as things settled down again, he mostly got nightmares that weren't this bad, then he woke up upset and wanted his dad comfort for a minute before getting back to sleep. But the bad one woke him up screaming. His being declared dead must be stressing the boy out more than he thought!
Chris mumbled rapidly Dutch between his uncontrollable sobbing, he seemed disorientated and highly distressed.
Hawkeye pulled him close, burrowing the boy protectively in his embrace. The small body trembled and was drenched in sweat as the boy attached himself to his dad's neck. He kept mumbling while big sobs shook his body.
Frank started loudly complaining, which got BJ groaning in frustration before he told the man to get lost.
Hawkeye stroked his son's back and murmured gentle words and made sure that he knew everything was going to be alright. Chris's breathing was a bit shallow and Hawkeye needed to calm him down fast. "It's alright, Kiddo! You're safe..." He tried to get eye contact but Chris refused to move as he held on tight.
Hawkeye often asked about the very bad nightmares, and Chris timidly told him it was the death of his parents or Hawkeye, and his other friends as well, Chris didn't want to give any details and Hawkeye didn't want to upset him.
Slowly the child started breathing deeper, and the trembling stopped, but Chris still refused to let go. Hawkeye sighed but kept the boy in his arms. After a while, things got quiet again and Hawkeye noticed Chris fell asleep. He felt a pang of fondness for the boy as he untangled the little arms from his neck.
He put Chris down next to him in his bed and pulled the blanket up before he brushed the blond bangs out of the child's eyes with affection.
The next morning was a bit warmer but still cold enough for Hawkeye to sit on his cot with a blanket around him. Chris wore his light blue warm turtle neck sweater made of wool, he looked adorable while he handed him and BJ their coffee. Hawkeye took a sip before giving the child a sloppy kiss on his cheek. Chris made a face of disgust as he wiped it with his sleeve, but his eyes shone with joy as Hawkeye chuckled.
BJ was writing to Peggy and Chris started asking about everything from BJ's life back home. "What color were the curtains? What's Peggy's favorite food? What's Erin's favorite food? Did BJ have a couch at home? And a bike? A car?
The child seemed very curious about the lives away from this MASH. Or maybe he just loved hearing stories, but Hawkeye still hoped to convince the child to go to the states, but Chris kept refusing every time Hawkeye tried.
BJ told Chris everything he wanted to know and more, Hawkeye was glad his son liked their roommate because living with Frank was often bad enough. He couldn't imagine being a child living with his dad and two mean roommates. But thankfully BJ acted a bit like a fun uncle, and together the doctors tried to make Chris laugh as often as possible.
Hawkeye wondered about how Chris would adjust when they arrived back in the states, and then living completely alone, which would be a big change. Maybe he would ask his dad to stay a while to get him adjusted.
Hawkeye snapped out his thinking as Klinger entered, he told the doctor he had good news and bad news. The good news was, that he finally got through to HQ and told them they made a mistake, and they will be sending someone over to fix it as soon as they can.
And the bad news was that even the Red Cross can't help him get through to the States, and then Klinger tells him that his mail has been stopped at HQ because he's declared dead.
Hawkeye was pissed, he had just begun to enjoy the upsides of being dead, including exemption from orientation classes, O.D. duty, inspections, and Frank's bodybuilding program, but no mail! In this hellhole of a place, that was just cruel. Not even a single letter! He would die from boredom this way!
He spends an hour brooding about it, while he puts Chris to his schoolwork. At least one of them was doing something important, but being declared dead was taking away a lot of options.
Chris gave his dad a pout, but the man stared back sternly and crossed his arms. Chris's eyes got big as he blushed and he quickly went to work, with yesterday's spanking still clear in his mind, he didn't want to push his luck.
He sighed, he didn't want to do his math, he just detested math! He wanted to continue his writing, he always made short stories, but this time he wanted to write a longer story, with chapters and everything! He had so many ideas, and he wanted something to really work on!
So now he was making up a character, a dwarf with the face of Radar kept jumping in his mind to be seen, but maybe that was because his dad called him a dwarf all the time, he didn't know.
"Ahem"
Chris snapped out his daydreaming by Hawkeye clearing his throat with disapproval and quickly went back to work.
Later in the day, they made their way over to the mess hall.
It was payday, and people swarmed around collecting their share.
Frank had volunteered to oversee the money, like always. Frank needed that control in his life to feel important. So he could order people around and be difficult without a good reason.
Hawkeye stood in line behind BJ while Chris stood behind his dad.
BJ greeted Frank but Frank seemed in a very bad mood, that mood didn't get any better after BJ smudged his paper on purpose after writing his name.
BJ collected his money and moved aside so Hawkeye could greet the man.
"Name and serial number". Frank snapped.
Hawkeye jumped at attention in mockery as he stated
"Pierce, Benjamin Franklin! Serial Number 3. I was one of the first in. " He gave Frank a grin.
"Real cutie pie, aren't you?" Frank said.
"Well…" Hawkeye confessed as he pretended to blush a little.
"Pierce, huh?" Frank scanned his eyes through his papers. "Sorry fella. You've been redlined."
"What!? "
Frank started laughing. "You're deceased. You're off the payroll."
Hawkeye gave the man a dead glare, this was everything besides funny! He needed money, he worked hard for it, and it was rightfully his!
"That's not funny, Frank. " Hawkeye said, a tone of warning in his voice.
Chris looked up at his dad, Hawkeye was getting very angry and it made him nervous, maybe he could help somehow, but at the same time, he didn't dare to interfere. The boy could feel the anger waving around his dad.
But Frank seemed completely clueless as he said.
"Well if you're too dead for calisthenics, you're too dead for pay. Next!"
"Wait a minute! Hold it! I gotta have that money, Frank."
He needed the other man to understand, he had a kid he needed to take care of, and supplies were not cheap.
He already paid for Chris's homeschooling intuition for this year, but what about the next one, he needed to save money for that, and what about new books, pencils, paper, or clothes?
"It's not like I can work someplace else. There's not another army across the street looking for help."
Frank just ignored him as he yelled "Next!" Not caring at all about the other man.
Hawkeye slammed his hands on the desk in front of Burns and looked the man in his eyes with anger.
"I got a kid to take care of!"
Chris jumped a little at the slam, he had never seen his dad this angry at another adult before. And it scared him immensely, every time he saw someone angry or just heard shouting or loud voices, he got little flashbacks of what happened when he made people mad.
So seeing his dad this angry was a very scary sight. He noticed his hands started getting clammy already and his heart was beating like crazy.
The boy looked up from Hawkeye to Frank. He thought Frank was very brave or very stupid as Frank met Hawkeye's stare head-on and said
"I don't care!"
"Don't do this, Frank!" Hawkeye tried once more, he was very close to attacking this man, he barely held on with a thread.
"So, being dead isn't as much fun as you thought it'd be, huh?" Frank said mockingly.
The so-called thread slipped a bit through Hawkeye's fingers as he grabbed the man's hand that was holding the money.
"Watch it, Frank!"
Chris was trembling as he let out a nervous hum. He stepped a bit further away from the rising anger around him. His hands nervously fiddling with his sweater.
Hawkeye held on to Frank with a grip as he menacingly warned.
"They couldn't court-martial a dead man for breaking every smirk in your face."
"Let me go!" Frank screamed and pulled back. That did it, that was the snap Hawkeye felt before he jumped over the table and grabbed the man.
Chris gasped, eyes filled with tears as he trembled, his heartbeat went crazy, bonking so loud it seemed to move his whole body up and down.
Hawkeye wrestled with Frank, both still holding the money.
"Gimme, that money Frank!" Hawkeye yelled, he knew how to fight, but Frank was putting up a good struggle as well as he yelled back "No! Never, never!"
Hawkeye looked like he was trying to choke the other man with his bicep as he had Frank almost in a headlock.
"Stop it! You're hurting me in front of people! " The now scared voice of Frank filled the hall. "Help!"
This outburst of anger and aggression gave the small boy several flashbacks that made him lose the battle with his fear. This combined with Frank's scared yelling made his happy safe world shattered as his mind made his dad disappear and replaced him with the mean angry men the child knew.
His breathing sped up, and he started hyperventilating, short of shallow breaths. He wiped his sweaty hand on his jeans, as he felt the world around him crumble away, and filled him with terror.
Hawkeye had rolled them both off the table and now they wrestled on the floor, he screamed. "Nobody's gonna help you, Frank!"
He got Frank pinned down again as he looked at the people watching and added. "They don't like you! Right?"
The people watched the wrestling duo but nobody helped or stopped this.
"You're the ten most hated men in this camp!" Hawkeye yelled as he pulled Frank up standing and pushed him, Frank held on, making them both slam into Igor who was getting ready to serve the food before the fight broke out, and now got body slammed. The poor man threw the food he carried through the air as he fell flat on his back after the impact.
Chris's breathing got worse as several flashbacks rushed through his young mind, he saw the two fighting men turning everything into chaos.
The food covered several people, who complained loudly before someone slipped and kicked the next person down as well. It was chaos! And no one seemed to notice the small struggling boy hiding behind the people who crowded closer to the fighting.
The doctors both held on to each other and the money, one of the two threw the other one so they landed both on the serving station and rolled over the food that was neatly lined up ready to be served.
"Give me the money Frank! '' Hawkeye screamed as he found his footing again while trying to keep the other man pinned down, he grabbed a handful of small overcooked carrots.
"I'm responsible for every penny!" Frank shrieked, as he was trying to get up.
"Gimme the money, Frank! Or I'll give you 24-carrot underwear!" Frank didn't let go and shook his head so Hawkeye pulled the man up by his jacket and stuffed the front of his t-shirt with small carrots.
"Oh, I hate carrots!" Frank said highly in distress.
Chris was gasping, breathing became very difficult, and he wasn't getting enough air. Everything around him was unfocused, not because he cried and tears blurred everything, as the tears stopped as the panic attack began, but because he couldn't really process anything else besides the horrid flashbacks in his mind and his trying to get more air.
"Oh, I'm sorry, here I have some potatoes!" Hawkeye said as he smashed a hand full of mashed potatoes in the man's face.
Someone called out "Grab him!" And two men sprung in action and took hold of the very angry Hawkeye and pulled him away from Frank.
Frank shrieked "Punch him in the throat!"
Chris didn't even notice when he got picked up as well and carried outside, but he did notice, even if it was very blurry, BJ's worried expression the minute after. BJ kept saying something as he held Chris's sweaty red face between his hands.
A second later Hawkeye was carried out by the two grabbers, he was put down roughly and wanted to tell them off but got interrupted by a near-panic BJ.
"HAWKEYE!"
The moment his eyes landed on Chris his anger vanished. He turned into full doctor's mode as he saw how much Chris struggled.
He dropped down to eye level with Chris and wanted to pull him close, but Chris's eyes turned big, shining with fear as he flinched and stepped back, the boy was grabbing his sweater with his fists while hyperventilating badly, barely standing upright.
Hawkeye's heart broke into a million pieces, and his body filled him with dread and guilt, seeing his son flinch away. He fucked up! A lot! He pushed his fear down, Chris needed him now!
"Chris! Look at me! " Hawkeye gently moved with care to put his hand on the boy's face. The boy didn't seem to understand and flinched again, but Hawkeye ignored it, as he held one hand on the back of the boy's neck and the other one on his cheek.
"It's a dad! I'm dad, remember! You need to breathe kiddo! " Hawkeye pleaded looking into those big panicky blue eyes, Chris didn't seem to recognize him.
He pulled the scared child close, ignoring the skittish sounds he made, and was trying to pull away.
Hawkeye tried to guide the breathing by tapping the back of his neck, giving him instructions on when to breathe in and out, they practiced this and did this every time, it always worked, but Chris seemed too far away in his panic to understand.
"Follow the tapping, Chris you know this! " Hawkeye begged, he was getting a bit panicked as Chris started turning a bit blue.
"Oh geez! What's going on? He doesn't look so good!" A frantic Radar appeared.
"Not helping!" Hawkeye snapped! He was losing his own battle to panic at this moment.
Thankfully BJ stepped in and asked the clerk to bring his doctor's bag and the small bottle with sedatives, the one with the blue label. Radar didn't hesitate as he quickly ran inside the post-op.
"Don't do this to me! I could never forgive myself!" Hawkeye mumbled as he looked into those panicky blue eyes. Chris was trembling like crazy and his body shook from the rapid gasping for air.
Radar returned with the stuff, he passed the bag to BJ and held the bottle out to Hawkeye "Now what do I do? " the nervous clerk asked.
"Now he needs to have the sedative jabbed into his fanny," Hawkeye explained. He tried to keep a cool head, but his kid was already turning blue, and being a doctor he knew this was getting bad real fast.
BJ was getting the needle ready as Radar's mouth fell open in shock as he said "You expect me to jab him!"
"Not you! BJ! He's the doctor, remember!" Hawkeye snapped, he hastily lowered the boy's pants and briefs a little.
"Ohh yeah, of course! '' Radar said very relatedly as he quickly handed BJ the serum.
Hawkeye held the child's face in his hands and looked at the blue-turning lips and clear panic in those eyes.
"Please! Christopher! Don't do this! " Hawkeye begged the boy. Chris looked at him with unseeing eyes, before the boy jumped a bit at the needle stab.
"That shall do it," BJ said, adjusting the boy's pants a bit, while Radar was pacing around frantically.
Hawkeye felt immensely relieved when he saw Chris's eyelids turn heavy and his breathing calmed down, the gray-blue tint of his face replaced itself slowly but steadily with a more healthy pink color. His lips got their normal color back as the breathing calmed down and became steady.
Hawkeye let out a very deep long relieved sigh as he pulled Chris close against him, the child didn't flinch this time and was almost asleep when getting pressed against his dad's chest.
Hawkeye had tears in his eyes himself when he looked up at the anxious faces of his friends.
"Thank you, " Hawkeye uttered sincerely. He knew he lost his confidence and that, if he and Chris were alone, Chris would be in much worse shape than he is now.
Hawkeye didn't think he would've gotten the sedative in time or even if he would think of that in his state.
He must be better prepared next time. But this one was the worst panic attack he had ever seen from the boy. He lifted the sleeping child in his arms and was again thankful Chris was small and carried him over to the Swamp. Radar and BJ followed, neither one of them wanting to leave the child alone.
After he put Chris to bed the three of them sat around the swamp, Hawkeye and BJ were drinking.
Nobody spoke, Hawkeye deep in thought. He doubted himself often these days, maybe he wasn't good enough to help Chris develop into a healthy happy adult.
He claimed the boy himself! He wanted Chris as his son, he felt like that was the only reason he was sent to this hellhole, but he almost lost him today!
If Trapper adopted him, he would be safe right now. Hawkeye sighed, he didn't want Trapper adopting the boy, not then and not now, Chris was his son!
He just needed to be better! He will be better! He needed to keep his temper more in check because this was the scariest thing he ever witnessed and he will make sure this will never happen again.
Chris stirred, and Hawkeye was at his side in seconds.
He affectionately brushed the child's face, "Hey, kiddo, " he said gently.
Chris opened his blue eyes and looked up at his dad.
"How are you feeling?"
"Dad? " the small voice sounded rough from all his gasping as Chris looked up worried at his dad, the man seemed sad and upset, something was wrong. "What happened?" he did remember that he got upset but the rest was a bit fussy.
Hawkeye couldn't answer as he just sighed before pulling the child close, he was trying hard not to cry as his heart burst with relief and love for his child as Chris returned the embrace without hesitation.
They sat there for a while, as Radar and BJ told Chris he had a very big panic attack and they needed to sedate him. Chris didn't understand why his dad was so upset because of that, but the man didn't want to let go, so Chris hugged him back tightly. His dad needed this, so he gave it, he didn't mind, he loved his dad!
The intercom started speaking telling Hawkeye he has to go to Potter's office.
"Ohh the HQ guy must've arrived," Radar said as he jumped up and left. Hastily adding he was glad Chris was okay before the door slammed close behind him.
Hawkeye let go and looked at his son's face, he wanted the boy close but if Chris was still weak he needed to stay in bed.
Chris looked back at his worried dad and quickly said "I'm okay!"
Hawkeye's smile returned as he nodded and got up. Chris looked okay as well, he seemed happy even.
Chris quickly followed but flinched as his upper right buttocks slid across the side of the cot as he got up.
He looked up at his dad with accusation, his dad chuckled and said "Don't blame me, it was BJ, he jabbed you with a needle"
Chris looked at BJ who just shrugged and smiled as he said he was glad to do it and would do it again in a heartbeat.
The boy reached back and pulled his pants down a little to look at it, there was a needle hole on his upper right cheek. It was even a bit blue! He pulled his pants right and huffed.
He frowned at BJ but his dad told him to stop as they didn't have any other choice than to sedate him. Chris wasn't happy but decided to drop it, he still felt a bit foggy and he just wanted to stay close to his dad, he also felt like the man needed that right now. He didn't understand why his dad acted this way because he felt fine, he didn't really remember what happened anyway.
They entered the office and they were greeted by Potter and a man introducing himself as Captain Pratt.
Hawkeye paced around, he was trying to get his anger under control.
Chris sat next to Potter as Hawkeye kept walking back and forth behind them. It was amazing that the child seemed completely fine and happy now as he was reading one of the colonel's horse magazines that was lying around the desk.
Captain Pratt explained that somewhere along the line a clerk switched his name with one of a deceased patient.
"It happens all the time," Pratt tells them as he chuckled.
Hawkeye stopped and looked at him, "And has the real dead man's…" he chuckled sarcastically, not finding this funny at all before he continued. "Family been notified?"
"Uhh they will be" Captain Pratt replied cheerfully before he explains the incredibly complicated way it has to be fixed.
They needed at least 5 different forms filled out and sent in triplicate, and two personal written reports, with several, signed witness statements about seeing him not dying. All needed to be signed by three officers, and all in triplicate.
"This could take weeks or months!" Hawkeye said
"He could be dead by the time you make him alive," Potter added.
"We do the best we can, colonel. " Pratt told them.
"Meanwhile, no mail, no money!" Hawkeye said
"And my own personal undertaker out there!" Referring to Digger who still hangs around camp trying to find a replacement body, because he already lost two this week and couldn't afford to keep his job if he lost a third.
"Well you are, I'm afraid, what George Orwell described in his book 1984 as an 'unperson'" Pratt replied laughing.
"An unperson! I'm an unperson now?" Hawkeye asked as he walked and stood in front of the man.
Pratt's nonchalant attitude infuriates Hawkeye, who explains that his father, not knowing he's still alive, is back home mourning his son.
When Pratt tells Hawkeye that he sees no other way out of his situation, Hawkeye quickly comes up with one and excuses himself.
Pierce! Where are you going? Potter asked as Chris jumped up and followed his dad.
"Excuse me, colonel, I'm late for an early grave" Hawkeye answered as he stormed out.
He had it! The hell with this army! He was taking his son and was getting out of this hellhole, the army thinks he's dead so why couldn't he be dead back in Maine? Where it at least is safe.
Hawkeye was throwing all his stuff in his duffle bag as BJ walked in.
"What's happening?" BJ asked
"This death certificate is our ticket home! " Hawkeye said, throwing his magazines in his bag as well. Hawkeye wanted to go so badly, he wanted that safety for his son and himself, he tried to convince himself this was their way out, but deep down he knew it wasn't.
He didn't even tell Chris to pack. He just couldn't. But he held onto that little piece of hope of going home as he packed his bag with bitterness.
He motions for Chris to follow him as he quickly grabs Wally and the still nameless toy bird just in case, he could follow through with this and stuffed them in his pockets before he almost runs outside. BJ followed trying to convince the man he was being stupid.
Hawkeye ignores the man as he boards Digger's bus, passing himself off as cargo, just as Klinger tells B.J. that a mass of casualties is on the way.
Chris decided to follow his dad, he knew his dad didn't mean it, he was angry and scared and he just had to flee, he just couldn't run away very far in this army. So he did the next best thing and pretended to.
The bus was filled with dead bodies as Hawkeye sought a place to sit.
"Nobody ever sits on this bus except me," Digger said, chewing his bubblegum.
Hawkeye laid down on one of the empty stacked stretchers and sighed, Chris sat on the floor against the man, and Hawkeye put an arm around the child for comfort, for him and Chris.
Close to his right lay a dead body, but Chris didn't mind, he was used to death by now, it was just a body.
He looked at his dad, he knew how much escaping in pretend helped sometimes. It was just like Chris did with his stories, he put his fear and insecurities into his new character, the little dwarf looked a bit like Radar without the glasses and was ten years old. His character didn't have a name yet, but he was getting there.
BJ walks onto the bus and gently tells Hawkeye that the wounded are on the way just as the choppers begin to arrive. Hawkeye insists he does not care, telling the man that Trapper went home and they still kept coming and when Henry got killed, the wounded still kept coming, so they will keep coming whether he's there or not.
BJ looked disappointed as he asked, "You're really going home?"
"Wherever they come from, they'll never run out."
Hawkeye had tears in his eyes as he heard the choppers arrive.
"You're serious?" BJ asked his friend
"Dead serious!" Hawkeye replied.
BJ gave him a look of disappointment before he walked out to help with triage, Hawkeye sighed and told Digger to drive. The man simply shrugged and started the bus.
They almost make it as far as the turn before Hawkeye told Digger to stop again.
He couldn't do it, he was a doctor and those people needed him, he looked at Chris. The boy looked back with eyes full of trust, no fear in them this time. Hawkeye felt a rush of affection for the child as his hope returned a little, they were fine! This was just another bad day.
Making up his mind a sullen Hawkeye emerges through the back door and with Chris trudges back to camp. He needed to help these people; it was a duty his conscience will not let him forsake.
He asked Chris to put his duffel bag back at the Swamp and handed him his bird back before he walked over to triage.
During surgery Hawkeye noticed he had Wally still hidden in his pocket, he felt the toy bunny every time he moved his leg and it made him think of Chris. He smiled, he now understands Radar's enthusiasm with his teddy bear a little bit better.
He looked over at the boy, who was sitting in Radar's office working on his math. Klinger held the door open as Frank was snapping something at him and Chris looked up like he was sensing his dad's eyes on him, he gave the man a big smile his two bigger front teeth shone brightly.
Hawkeye gave a quick nod as he chuckled, he returned his eyes to his patient. 'Chris looks like a mouse with those big teeth and floppy ears, but he is the cutest kid' Hawkeye thought with affection.
After surgery Klinger informed Hawkeye he finally got his father on the phone. Hawkeye pulls out his gloves and kisses Klinger on both his cheeks before running out. He didn't even change into his clothes and still wore his bloody scrubs as he grabbed the horn.
"Dad! Yes, it's me! I'm okay!" Hawkeye said, making his dad cry wildly with relief, Hawkeye grabbed Chris in a one-armed hug. Chris tried to get away, and Hawkeye looked at the boy confused. He was a bit fearful that Chris was still afraid of him, but he almost laughed as Chris looked with a horrid expression at his now bloodstained blue sweater.
"Dad, please stop crying! I'm okay! " Hawkeye tried again as an accusing look was thrown his way by his son.
His dad stopped crying long enough to tell him he was so glad he was alive before he started crying again telling him he gave away all his golf clubs.
"It's okay, dad!" His dad didn't stop crying so he tried again. Chris compromised by leaning against Hawkeye's cleaner side.
"Really! I needed new golf clubs anyway!" It took a while but he finally had his dad calm enough, he didn't tell him about what happened to Chris today, he will write about that later, right now he just needed to hear his dad.
He gave the phone to Chris and the boy happily said hello, the smile of the boy disappeared and got replaced by confusion as he said "Grandpa is crying! How do I make it better?"
Hawkeye took the phone again and told Chris grandpa just needed a moment.
Chris nodded, he knew why grandpa cried, he just wished he could help.
Hawkeye listened to his crying rambling dad and felt overjoyed being close to his loved ones. The phone got cut off abruptly and Hawkeye felt disappointed, he sighed and put down the horn, explaining to Chris they got cut off.
He gave Chris another hug, and let him go as he stood up.
Chris looked in shock at his sweater! "Really" The boy squeaked in outrage as he stomped his foot. The second he did, he turned bright red and looked a bit worried at his dad.
Hawkeye barked out a loud laugh as he ruffled the boy's blond hair. "Dwarf!" He teased. He just felt relieved everything was normal again.
Chris frowned and stepped a bit away from him, but kept a hold of his hand, as they walked back to the Swamp.
