Buckle your seatbelts folks, we're going for a ride. Thanks to the power of quarantine induced boredom I have now broken my record for longest chapter.
Chapter 32: Dahlia
By the time The Shepherds reach Gelida Dominus Ylisstol has already fallen. Chrom and Lissa are horrified, along with most of the Shepherds. More than a few of us are unsurprised though. As soon as we have the freedom to do so Robin and I make for the library, studying as much as we can on Plegia. Climate, terrain, politics, economy, whatever information on military installations we can find, and in my case, a few extra details that I keep to myself.
On the surface, I'm plotting alongside Robin, but I have my own agenda. One which I'm keeping entirely to myself. Until I have to I will tell nobody the truth of my goals, since revealing them would fuck things up.
I'm not talking about the usual difficulties I'd consider were the truth of my knowledge to reveal itself, either. No, the very success of this plan hinges on as few people knowing about it as possible. Even Severa can't be told, at least for now. I'll need others to know about it eventually, since getting the results I want on my own will be all but impossible, but the people I hire for this task will be selected sparsely, and carefully.
Before I even think about that though I need to figure out details, which means a lot of the same research that Robin's focusing on. Thankfully the library of Gelida Dominus has far more material on Plegia than the one in Ylisstol. As a general rule Regna Ferox has seen far more trade with Plegia than Ylisstol has. Not surprising considering Ylisse and Plegia have a history of war and state religions that are as diametrically opposed as they can be. If I was trying to figure out the logistics of this half-baked scheme back in Ylisstol I wouldn't stand a chance.
Not sure how much of a chance I stand as is... There's only so many people I can go to that I could trust to be discrete about this. And most of them don't have a skill-set that matches what I'm looking for. No fliers, no mages… I could try asking Gaius to help maybe, he knows enough not to ask questions, but some aspects of my plan may be a bit too amoral even for him…
Unless I were to explain everything, that is… but that's a dangerous line to cross. Problem is, I'm having trouble finding a way to make this plan work without explaining it to somebody. And if I do that, chances are I'll be on my knees begging the Anna family to get me the fuck out of this dimension in a serious hurry before I'm executed for treason. Or whatever charges apply to this fucked up situation I'm in.
Morality is such a twisted fucking thing and I hate it. It pushes me into a situation where I'm practically obligated to interfere with fate and then stands in my way as soon as I try to do so. Well fuck the black and white moral dichotomy. My chances are slim enough when it comes to making this shit work out without having to be nice about it.
…Damn. Productivity has reached zero. I can't focus on what I need to do because my brain is too preoccupied with complaining. Times like this there is only one thing to do, and it's unfortunately the exact opposite of productive…
"I need a fucking break." I groan, slamming my book shut and getting up from my chair in frustration.
"Do we really have time for that?" Robin mutters, flipping through pages further down the table as he marks details down onto a map.
"Don't care, I'm stepping away from the books before I kill somebody." I shrug, grabbing my bag. "You want me to pass you anything before I leave?"
"That book about Garam Prison." Robin's head stays fixated on the pages in front of him even as his hand beckons to me. "I'm sure at least half of the security measures the book mentions are out of date, but I still think it'll be useful."
I hold the book out until his blindly grasping fingers finally take hold of it. He brings it in front of him and smoothly flips to a page he no doubt had memorized in advance, and starts scribbling more notes down. Not once does he as much as glance in my direction.
It's a little off-putting, to be honest. I've seen him get lost in strategizing plenty of times, but he's never lost himself in it to this extent before. Even when planning our last campaign in Ferox he didn't get this wrapped up in things. Not that I can blame him. The cost of failure is somehow even direr now than last time, and he has a meeting with Chrom and the Khans tomorrow.
I wish I could help him. Even knowing his planning will in all likelihood amount to nothing I'd like to at least make his life a little bit easier. But frankly speaking I'm trying to solve an even trickier problem with even fewer resources, so the resident strategist is just going to have to figure things out on his own. The prison book is a good sign though; it means he's likely planning to free the Pegasus Knights Gangrel captured, much as he did in the game.
He'll be fine. He's going to come up with the best strategy he can. And when it fails, I'll pick up the pieces and salvage a happy fucking ending from all of this. Even if it takes a while to work out, I'll make it work out.
First I need to get my brain working in order. Which means taking some much needed time away from all these damn books and- I sense danger.
A head of red hair appears from around a nearby bookshelf. Glasses gleam in the dark like the eyes of a hungry beast. "Ah Ben, did I hear you say you were taking a break from your studies? That is fortuitous timing. I had something I wished to discuss with you."
Shiiiiiit. Miriel is in testing mode. I'm about to be a guinea pig for something, I can tell from the look in her eyes. No getting away from her when she's like this either. I tried once in the early stages of my apprenticeship to her, and she brought me back immediately. With a rescue spell. Never has the name been less fitting.
"Miriel!" I look over at Robin, hoping for some kind of assistance, but he obviously has better things to be doing. "What's on your mind? Nothing too crazy I hope, I was planning on getting something to eat."
"Rest assured, you shall retain all ability to eat when this is finished. Indeed, you should find your appetite even greater than before!"
I… think she meant that to be reassuring. I worry about Miriel sometimes, I really do. It's hard to believe somebody only a year younger than me could still have so much difficulty with communicating. It took me a long ass time to pick up social skills, but I don't think I was ever as bad as Miriel can be.
Well, whatever. "Alright, lead away. What do you have in store for me?"
"I have decided that now is the perfect time to resume practical training in the art of spellcasting. Tell me, have you been making use of your new spellbook?"
"Haven't cast any spells yet, but I have got this…" I fish the book out of my bag and show her the spell circles I've inscribed.
Miriel takes the book and leads me out of the library as she checks them all. "Your inscriptions show marked improvement."
"Yeah, well it's all I've really been able to do as far as magic training goes. Didn't want to try any casting without your go-ahead, so I've just been working on the basics."
"Admirable." Miriel nods, passing the spellbook back to me. "We shall be taking a significant leap from that point today. A possibility has come to my mind which merits investigation."
"Alright, just don't get too excited, okay?" I reply hesitantly. "I'm months out of practice, and my casting is kinda shit, remember?"
"We shall see." Miriel hums, pace quickening as she leads on. After a moment or two she starts muttering to herself, as sure a sign as any that I won't be getting any more answers from her for the time being.
After five minutes or so we emerge into a large training yard, where several of the other Shepherds are already training. Sully and Frederick are pushing themselves as hard as ever, Vaike and Chrom are blowing off steam in one of the rings, and Stahl and Virion are practising archery. Miriel leads me towards the latter.
"Now then, we'll start with the basic wind spell. Try to hit the target." Miriel instructs, shooing Virion to one side and directing me into place.
"Wait, really?" I blink in confusion. "Just like that, we're… well okay." I shrug, flipping to the page in question. "Just remember now, I'm shit at this."
"I have reason enough to believe that the results may be surprising." Miriel says eagerly, waiting with bated breath.
"All right… here goes." I raise my hand and start going through the necessary motions…
Something's wrong. Or… not. It's more like… well I'm not sure how to describe it. Every time I've tried to cast magic in the past, it felt like trying to hold water. I would pour the magic into my hand, but as soon as I motioned to release it the spell would slip through my fingers. This time… it's just there. I call upon the wind, and it answers, energy tingling at my fingertips, air pulling around me.
When I release the spell at the archery target I hit it hard enough to send straw flying through the air. The post fixing the target to the ground is torn partway up, churning the dirt and sending it flying.
"Holy crap!" I exclaim in surprise, staring at the damage I just did in shock. "Did I do that?"
"That was great Ben!" Stahl claps enthusiastically from the sidelines. "Have you been practising?"
"No…" I look at my hand in confusion. "Not at all? Miriel, what- oh cripes."
I look up at my magic instructor to see she's scribbling at a ludicrous pace in her old journal. "Even greater results than I expected…" She murmurs. "This suggests that the method by which power is transferred is in fact completely irrelevant."
"I thought we agreed I was garbage at this?" I walk over and try to peer at what she's writing down. No good; it's all chicken scratch. "Because of the whole, 'incompatible with magic' thing? How am I achieving these 'greater results' just like that?"
"Do you remember the original treatment I proposed to cure you of your magical deficiency?" Miriel asks, eyes still fixated on her journal.
"Yeah, the temperature control spell. Lit my goddamn skin on fire, hard to forget."
"Indeed." Miriel's lip quirks a bit at that. "Well, I have come to the realization that you have been inadvertently cured of this debilitation without our knowledge."
"Okay, so that's why I can cast normally, but how did it happen?"
"We have Khan Flavia's medical staff to thank for that." She looks up at me. "I was discussing with them the new healing method they've recently published a journal on. The treatment they've invented for safely treating those suffering from coma. And they saw fit to inform me that they learned of this method while treating you."
"The healing spell they were casting on my internal organs to keep them from wasting away while I couldn't eat…" I nod along, then blink as the implications occur to me. "Oh shit, you don't mean-"
"The constant healing you were under infused your body with magic in much the same way as the heating spell was intended." Miriel nods, a pleased smile on her face. "Not only did the treatment keep your body from degrading, it also appears to have infused it with magic, curing you of the lack of compatibility which hampered your spellcasting!"
I stare blankly at my spellbook. "Wow. That's…" I don't know what that is. I guess it's about time something good came of that fiasco of a night? Or rather, the shit choices I made on the tail end of said night. Sure it may have traumatized both myself and my daughter, but at least I can blow shit up now!
…Yeah, I'm not sure it's the best payoff, really. Far from equal. But the magic is pretty cool, and I'm glad to have it. Glad to finally have something constructive come of that murder rampage. Does it balance out? Shit no. But it shouldn't balance out anyways. Last thing I want is to feel like the world's rewarding me for what I did back then. This feels more like… a consolation prize. Or something. I don't know, I'm not experienced enough in what to call it when karma throws me a fucking bone.
Doesn't matter either way. I let Miriel scribble away, marking notes and going along with whatever requests she has in regards to my spellcasting. For her it's a learning experience, but for me it's a chance to practice with a new tool. And if all goes well this could very well turn the tide in my favor down the road.
I continue casting long after Miriel has left. Partly because I want to make sure I've got the trick to hurling magic now that I have the capacity for it. Partly because wielding that kind of power at my fingertips is insanely fun. Virion offers the odd tip, having some experience with spells himself, but he lacks the degree of mastery that Miriel has, so his advice is rather simplistic in comparison.
Still, after a couple of hours of practise I feel like I get a good grasp of the basics. I'm nowhere near Miriel's level, or even Ricken's, but I can toss a ball of lightning with pretty good accuracy, if I do say so myself.
"A marked improvement in such a short span of time!" Virion exclaims as my thunder spell explodes against the target, little more than a blackened wreck at this point. "I find it difficult to believe you have only been casting spells for a few hours."
"It's surprisingly similar to throwing axes." I shrug. "Actually if anything it's easier. I don't need to worry much about wind or arcing my shots when casting. And Miriel had me practising the fundamentals for ages before today."
"Hmm… I had never thought to compare the two." Virion frowns thoughtfully. "I suppose there are some parallels… Though neither can compare to the ease with which arrows fly from the bow!"
"Speak for yourself." I shake my head and chuckle, "If I tried using a bow it would be an absolute disaster."
"Not necessarily. I'd be more than happy to teach you!" Virion replies enthusiastically.
I only need a moment to mull the offer over. "Thanks but no thanks. I think I've got enough on my plate without trying to learn archery as well. I appreciate the offer though."
"Some other time, then. Perhaps when circumstances aren't as dire." Virion nods, completely unbothered by my refusal.
"Could be fun." I nod. "Anyways, I think I'll be going now. I was planning on grabbing lunch before I got distracted by how fun blowing stuff up can be."
"Lunch?" Virion blinks in surprise. "But it is almost dinnertime!"
I blink and look at the sky. Sure enough, the sun's getting low. "Damn. That explains where Stahl went. Well then I'll just go see what I can grab from the kitchen to tide me over. Later dude!"
Virion looks worried at my forgetting to eat, but lets me go all the same. I make my way to the kitchen and throw together a simple pork sandwich with some of the ingredients Stahl isn't using, then sit down in the small dining area Khan Flavia provided us to eat it.
And as I'm finishing my snack I find myself visited by a very unexpected guest.
Cordelia. Last time I spoke to her, she was crying into Sumia's arms. I had just informed her about Aurora. That was the same day Emmeryn and the Pegasus knights left for Ylisstol. A part of me has been terrified of speaking to her since then, but I haven't really needed to bother with worrying. She's seemed quite content to not speak to me since. I figured she blamed me for lying to her about Aurora. And I'm too much of a chicken shit to bring it up with her.
So seeing her walk towards me is something of a surprise, to say the least. Enough so that I totally forget to swallow before my mouth starts moving.
"Uhh, Cur-mm." I hold up a finger and finish with my mouthful of pork and bread. "Sorry, that was rude. Hey, uh… yeah. Hi Cordelia. Hello." I grimace at the staggering level of awkward that just erupted from my lips.
"Hello Ben." Cordelia replies, raising an eyebrow at my nonsense but otherwise not commenting on it. "I'm sorry to bother you while you're eating. I was wondering if you'd seen Severa recently?"
"Severa?" I shake off the feeling of silliness I was stewing in and straighten in my seat. "No, why? What's going on?"
"Well, I'm afraid I'm not sure." Cordelia frowns uncertainly. "But she was arguing with Noire earlier."
"Arguing, or just being loud?" I frown. "I know with Severa a lot of people get the two mixed up."
"They were crying." Cordelia says, rubbing at her arm uncomfortably. "Both of them. And Severa was screaming at Noire. I only caught the end of the conversation, right before Severa ran off. I thought she might have come to you."
It only takes me a moment's thought to realize this must be something serious. Raised voices are business as usual where Severa is involved, but actual crying? She hates letting that sort of thing show, even to me.
"Shit. No, whatever this is she probably doesn't want me knowing about it. I haven't exactly been hiding where I've been today. Give me a second."
I rush over to the kitchen and toss the rest of my sandwich in the rubbish bin, then return. "Alright, what were they fighting about?"
Cordelia frowns. "I'm not sure, honestly. Severa's so much louder than Noire that I only heard one side of things, and your daughter wasn't entirely clear… I remember Severa yelled something to the effect of: 'Why didn't you tell me?' And when Noire tried to answer, Severa called her… a rather colorful variety of words for stupid, then ran away… Oh, that's right! She said something about Donnel before she left!"
I frown in confusion. "Donnel? Right, he got back yesterday, didn't he? Forgot about that. What the hell would Severa be looking for Donnel for, though?"
Cordelia hums thoughtfully. "…Could this be a love triangle?"
"I… What?" I stare at Cordelia, mouth agape.
Cordelia goes very pink. "Well I just thought it might be possible. Why else would your daughter bring him up?"
I stare for a moment longer, then shake my head and walk away. "Tell you what, let's find Donnel and ask him."
"Yes, I suppose that would be for the best." Cordelia replies. She follows half a step behind me, muttering to herself. "It was hardly that crazy a suggestion, was it?"
"Crazy… no. Terrifying, yes. I've barely had time to adjust to the thought of having a daughter. It's way too soon for me to think about letting her date." I grimace at the mental image.
"I guess I can see how that might be upsetting." Cordelia nods thoughtfully. "Though I feel I should point out that you'll have to get used to the idea rather quickly."
"Yeah, I know." I sigh. "She's definitely not the sort to let me stop her from doing anything. Honestly if it wasn't for how she grew up she'd probably already have more experience dating than I do."
"Yes, I suppose living with mercenaries would prove problematic in that regard…" Cordelia muses. "Do you… not have much dating experience, then?"
"Basically none." I reply dully. "Believe it or not, I've never been particularly popular with women."
"I'm honestly surprised." Cordelia replies, sounding genuine enough that I actually pause to regard her.
"Huh. You're not joking." I say, blinking.
"I would never!" Cordelia replies, looking surprised and perhaps a bit insulted.
"No, I suppose you wouldn't. I appreciate the compliment, then." I nod in thanks, resuming my walking. "I suppose I'm doing a lot better for myself here than I was back home. I'm in far better physical shape, even with the scarring, and I'm miles ahead of where I used to be when it comes to social status."
"Social status isn't everything." Cordelia replies, distaste evident in her voice. "I've had no small number of well-to-do men come to court me. I can't say I found so much as a single one of them even remotely interesting."
"I'm sure." I smirk. "Though to be fair, your standards are rather high."
This time it's Cordelia's turn to pause. "I'm not sure what you mean by that, Ben."
Recognizing the faint note of distress in her voice, I decide to make a tactical retreat. "Oh? My mistake, then. Forget I said anything."
"No, please elaborate." She insists, giving me a stern look. "I want to know exactly what it is you've heard."
"Heard?" I stare in confusion for a moment before finally realizing what she means. "Oh! Oh, no, I haven't heard anything, this isn't some sort of gossip! It was more like… a guess. A guess which was made by me. And kept to myself."
"I see…" Cordelia replies slowly. My reassurance seems to have done little. If anything she looks even more nervous. "What exactly did you guess?"
"Uhh, well…" I frown, not wanting to call her out but recognizing she intends to give me no choice. "I thought you might have a thing for… Chrom." Feeling suddenly awkward about saying it to her out loud, I force out an awkward laugh. "Crazy, huh?"
Cordelia's face goes as red as her hair. I wait a minute to see if she responds, but she doesn't say a word, so I just sigh and continue. "Yeah, so… now that that's out of the way, let's keep moving, shall we? Still need to figure out what has my daughter freaking out, so... Yeah." I finish lamely and resume walking. I'm honestly surprised when Cordelia resumes walking, though she's following now instead of walking at my side.
This honestly couldn't be farther from how I thought my next conversation with Cordelia would go. I expected a lot of anger and bitterness from Cordelia, guilt and self-loathing from myself, probably a whole lot of crying from both of us. Instead I have a missing daughter and awkward talk about crushes.
What the fuck is even happening right now?
It takes a while for Cordelia to recover from… whatever the fuck that was, and by that point I've cleared through several training yards as well as the bedrooms with no luck. She seems to make the decision to pretend the conversation never happened, and starts focusing on helping me again. Normally I'd find this concerning, but considering the circumstances I decide to let it slide. In the end we decide to just return to the mess hall and hope one of the people involved with this mess will be there.
It turns out to be the right call. Donnel and Severa are still MIA, but we do find Noire, sniffling into a bowl of soup while Sumia frets over her.
"Oh, Ben!" Sumia cries to me in relief as I walk in, rushing over. "Thank goodness you're here. I found Noire like this half an hour ago, and she won't stop crying no matter what I say! I haven't been able to figure out what's wrong at all, do you have any idea what could have happened?"
"Apparently she had a fight with Severa." I reply glumly. "Cordelia caught the end of it, but neither of us are sure what it was about. Here Cordelia, you fill Sumia in, and I'll talk to Noire."
"Of course." Cordelia nods.
I give Sumia a reassuring pat on the arm and head over to Noire's table. It's not pretty. Whatever she did to piss Severa off so badly, she's really tearing herself apart about it. Her face is red and puffy from tears still pouring down her face, her shoulders still shaking with sobs. If she was leaning a little further forward the broth that Stahl seems to have set for her would be completely ruined.
I take a seat next to her on the bench, turning just a bit to face her. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Noire shakes her head wordlessly.
"Okay then." I say softly, pulling a silk handkerchief from my pocket, courtesy of Virion. "Here, let's get you cleaned up a little. Sound good?"
She takes it from me and starts rubbing furiously at her eyes, and I quickly intervene. "Hey now, you're going to hurt yourself doing that. Here, look this way." She lowers the handkerchief, but stares resolutely at the table. "Come on now, Noire. Eyes up. It'll be alright."
It takes her a minute, but she eventually looks up from the floor and turns to face me. I give her a grin, "Hey, there you are kiddo." I gently pry the handkerchief from her hands and start dabbing at her cheeks with more care. "See, better this way, yeah? I think your poor eyes have been through quite enough for one day."
Noire sniffles a little, but seems to be calming down somewhat. My smile broadens at the sight, "Atta girl. Feeling any better?"
"A-a little." She mutters around my ministrations.
"That's good." I nod. "That's really good. It's going to be alright."
"Y-you don't know that. I, I messed up so badly! Severa hates me so much now."
"Of course she doesn't!" I protest, "You two are best friends. I know for a fact she loves you to death. I don't know what you were fighting about, but this will pass. Just give her some time to blow off steam and she'll be back to normal."
"You w-wouldn't say that if you knew." Noire protests, turning away from me. "You'd probably h-hate me too."
"Never." I frown. "I'd never hate you. I'm your Uncle Ben, remember? We're family."
She starts shaking again at that, more violently than before. "Noire?" I stare at her in worry. "You okay?" It's only once she starts rocking in her seat that I recognize this for what it is: a panic attack. Unfortunately while I'm not a stranger to having panic attacks, I have zero experience in helping somebody through them. "Crap. Sumia!"
She's at my side immediately. "What happened, I thought it was going well!"
"So did I." I frown, getting out of my seat and giving her space. "I don't know what went wrong, I felt like I was getting through to her and then just… this." I shake my head helplessly. "I don't know what I said that upset her and I don't know how to help her."
"Here, let me look after her." Sumia slips in next to the girl with ease, running her hand in gentle circles on her back. "It's okay, it's okay." She murmurs soothingly, before turning back to me. "Cordelia said Donnel might know what's going on?"
"I did." Cordelia replies, appearing at my side. "Though we've had no luck finding him so far."
Sumia hums thoughtfully, then looks back up. "His closest friends are probably Stahl and Kellam, they might- oh, but Stahl's been working in the kitchen all this time. So I guess… you'll have to find Kellam." She frowns deeply at the prospect of looking for and finding the Shepherd's invisible man.
"Well, what do you think Kellam, you hear anything?" I ask aloud.
There's a long pause of silence. Cordelia and Sumia stare blankly at me.
"Damn it, that usually works." I sigh. "Alright, I'll try asking Sully if she's seen him. Look after her, Sumia."
"Of course." Sumia nods. "Good luck!"
Cordelia remains by my side as we leave. "Is there a particular reason you think Sully would know where to find Kellam?"
In spite of everything I can't help the smirk that creeps across my face. "You're the one with romance on the brain, I'm sure you can guess." The pleased gasp of realization a moment later lightens my mood, if only a little.
Sully does in fact know where Kellam is. With her directions I find him tending to a bilberry plant that he and Donnel were looking after. According to him, Donnel and Severa went to an inn in the market district of Gelida Dominus. The two of them were discussing something about a Griffon, so he said.
That doesn't mean much to me. But apparently it proves a rather important clue for Cordelia. She explains what happened with Dahlia and Lumír to me.
And I get a rather bad feeling about all of this. A rather familiar one at that.
"Do you suppose Severa and Dahlia know each other?" Cordelia asks as we make our way through streets frantic with the rush of a country preparing for war. Between the noise of the Feroxi and the heavy pounding of my own heartbeat I can barely hear her.
"I guess they must." I reply, mind racing. "If she's getting this worked up about going to see her."
"You're right, of course. I do hope Dahlia isn't in some sort of trouble. I left them all in such a dire situation, and I didn't find a chance to ask Donnel about it when he rejoined us yesterday."
That pulls me out of the haze, if only a little. "Donnel wouldn't leave her if she was in trouble. He's a good kid."
"You're right of course. Even putting aside his crush. Oh, but don't tell him I mentioned that!"
"None of my business, really." I reply. Then that bad feeling surfaces again and I find myself lost in my own thoughts once more.
"Are you alright Ben? You seem distracted."
"That depends." I reply tersely.
"On?"
"On what happens when I find my daughter."
Anything else Cordelia has to say to that is lost to the buzzing of my thoughts. My pace increases.
The inn proves easy to find, as it's the only one with a Griffon resting on the roof. Apparently the owner didn't have a stable in King's size. His eyes focus on me as I approach the building, but he relaxes after a moment. He recognizes me.
Donnel looks over at me from a nearby table as I enter. "Oh! Hello there Mister Benjamin!"
"Donnel." I say sharply, walking over to him. "You're not with Severa?"
"Oh, well I brought her here, sure. Just figured I should give them some privacy. They seemed to be getting awfully emotional, so-"
"What room?" I ask, thoughts roaring in my head.
"I- begging your pardon, Mister Benjamin?"
"What room?" I grab him by the shoulder. "I have to see them. Now."
"Uhh, well, they're in the fourth room on the left, straight on from the top of the stairs." Donnel replies uneasily getting to his feet as I make my way to the back. "Wait Mister Benjamin, is something wrong?" I pay him no mind.
The innkeeper notices the commotion and grabs for me as I reach the stairs, but I shrug her hand off easily. Donnel cries out in alarm behind me. And now, intermingled with his voice is Cordelia's. I must have left her behind at some point. Was I running?
I guess I have been. I still am, taking the steps two at a time. I have to see them. I have to know. If my hunch is true…
I remember how Noire shut down earlier. The way she broke. The words I said that made her panic.
We're family.
We're family.
Surely I'm overthinking this!
The door is locked, but it's a cheap thing, because I feel it break easily as I force the handle to twist. When I enter the room Dahlia and Severa rise from their seats, startled at my sudden entrance. Severa makes for her sword with one hand, securing Lumír with the other. He'd been sitting in her lap.
"What the hell!" Severa cries as she recognizes me. "You scared the crap out of me, dad!"
I ignore her, focusing instead on Dahlia. "You're one of the children from the future."
Dahlia meets my gaze unflinchingly. "I am."
Severa goes still. Lumír looks between the rest of us, gaze filled with silent curiosity.
"Whose?"
There's a period of silence.
Severa breaks it. "Uhh, she's-"
"And already I can tell you're lying through your teeth." I cut her off. Then turn back to Dahlia. "Whose?"
Severa protests, "Dad, you're-"
She's stopped by Dahlia, who holds a hand out in front of her. She meets my gaze once more, her eyes a mixture of resolution and resignation.
"Yours."
The word hits me like a sledgehammer. I fall to my hands and knees.
It should be a simple revelation. I have a daughter in this world already. She's here in this room, looking right at me. And yet…
"Lumír too?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"Your son, yes."
I gasp for air, arms straining against the floor as if I'm trying to push my way through it. My heartbeat is roaring in my ears. My vision darkens.
I black out.
His reaction might seem strange.
To collapse when confronted by the appearance of this child, who he did not know and did not think of until this very hour. He has met his one of his children before. Even entertained the thought of being her true father.
But this is more than just a child. This is himself.
Because the simple fact is: for all this time he has not felt a true part of this world. He has never thought himself a true part of this story. He is an outsider looking in. He has lived his life here, played the game as best as he could, and walked the only path he knew. He has inserted himself into their story; used his knowledge to find a place where he could survive.
But he never truly intended to remain here.
His goal was always to leave this place; to return to his homeland with no trace of his presence but memories. His heart and soul were bound to his old home, and he had every intention of dying there.
His every thought reflected this. All of his actions, all of his plans, were created with the intention of changing nothing. His original goal was to affect nothing. To leave nothing behind. To be nothing.
A legacy left only in whispers and songs.
And now, that possibility has been torn from him. He has children. Not just adopted, not just born of him, but children that would not exist without him. They aren't like Severa. They have no place in this story. And yet they are here. Because he is here. Something that should have been impossible, made real before his eyes.
He has been confronted with the weight of his own existence.
And he doesn't know how to bear it.
I wake up propped against the bed, head still swimming, and let out a groan at the pain in my head.
"Was that him?"
"Yes, he seems to have woken up."
"About time!"
I crack my eyes open, and see that the sun has already set. The room is bathed in candlelight.
"The hell happened to me?" I grumble, sitting up straighter, looking around the room. My gaze stops as I see Dahlia.
Oh.
Right.
"You passed out." I look over to see Cordelia staring down at me. She's sitting next to me on the bed, looking somewhat dizzy herself. "We tried to let you rest in bed, but you were a bit too heavy for me to manage, and Donnel's busy downstairs."
"Well, I guess that's what I get for falling asleep in such a stupid place." I chuckle ruefully. "How long was I out for?"
"About three hours." Cordelia replies, looking uneasy still. "We've been… talking in the meantime."
I look around the room again. Dahlia and Severa are sitting at a small table. Neither will meet my eyes. "What about?" I ask uneasily, looking back towards Cordelia.
"Well…" Cordelia frowns. "I'm not sure how to put it. It hardly seems believable."
Oh man. Don't tell me…
"She knows, dad." Severa says, gaze still fixed on the floor. "We told her everything."
"Everything, huh?" I grunt, hauling myself off the floor to sit next to Cordelia on the bed. "Well shit, I don't think I even know what 'everything' means anymore."
A hand comes to rest on mine as I sit down. I look over. Lumír is staring at me, from where he's been lying on the bed. "Hey, little man." I smile despite the uneasy feeling in my gut. "So… I'm your dad, huh?"
The boy frowns thoughtfully, then gives a small nod. "Wow." I reply, not sure what else to say. "That's… amazing."
He gives me a big grin at that, then goes back to his very important business of rolling around on the bed. I leave him to his work and turn back to the others.
"Oh, did you eat dinner before we arrived?" Cordelia exclaims suddenly. "I just realized that we skipped dinner to come here."
"Ah!" Dahlia gasps in realization. "No, we completely forgot."
"Ah geez." Severa groans, getting to her feet. "Here, let me-"
"That's quite alright!" Cordelia replies. "I'll go talk to the innkeeper. You all need some time to sort things out. Would you like to get something to eat, Lumír?" She beams at the suddenly alert toddler, and holds out a hand. "Let's get you fed, then. Come along!"
As the two make their way out something occurs to me, odd enough to cut through the haze of other questions floating through my mind. "I've never heard him make a single sound…"
"Lumír can't talk." Severa explains. "He's mute."
"He wasn't always." Dahlia says softly. "He was just starting to learn his words, but…"
"…There was a Risen attack." Severa fills in when it becomes clear Dahlia can't bring herself to explain. "The Shepherds got there too late. Lumír… watched them kill his mom. He hasn't spoken since."
I mutter a curse under my breath and sit back. To be traumatized so badly at that age… He's too young to have to live through something like that.
They all are. Hell, half of the current Shepherds are barely adults. This world is cruel to its children.
And I suppose I'm no better. Fainting like that, the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of message does that send to a twelve year old girl?
It was bad enough when I came to this realization with Severa. At least in her case I had time to process it. Time spent getting to know her, learning how she saw me, putting the pieces together. Here, I have nothing. I don't know Dahlia or Lumír. I don't even know how they feel about me. Dahlia said I was her father, but I don't know if she even cares about me the way Severa does. Would my words even mean anything to her? What… I don't even know how to feel about this? Do I have to be her dad now, without even knowing who she is?
I suppose so. Somebody has to be. Surely she's been alone long enough. So I should be there for her if I can. Look after her.
Starting with an explanation for my stupidity.
"Did I ever tell you two where my future information comes from?" I ask aloud, staring up at the ceiling.
"You've asked that before." Severa says. I can tell from her tone that she's rolling her eyes at me right now. "You never said a word about it to anyone."
"I never heard much either." Dahlia confirms.
"There are… stories of this world where I come from. Stories of what's happened. Stories of what's to come. Stories of the Shepherds. Chrom, Lissa, Frederick, Robin, Lucina… even you, Severa." I look down and crack a grin at the expression of shock on her face. "Yeah, you're a big deal back home."
"But I suppose I am not." Dahlia chimes in. "That's… that's why you never recognized me, or Lumír. We weren't in your stories."
"No, you weren't." I shake my head. "And… neither was I."
They look up at me in sudden shock, but I hold up a hand to silence them before they can start asking questions. "I'm sorry I was so shocked to find out about this. And I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. Or Lumír. You deserved to be recognized. You're incredible. Both of you. If there's any reason you weren't recognized, it's… it's probably because I wasn't supposed to be in this world in the first place."
"But…" Dahlia looks to Severa, expression frustrated. "That doesn't make sense!"
"She's right." Severa replies, scowling at me. "There's no feasible reason for you to be left out of the stories. You were the leader of the Shepherds for nearly a decade! After Chrom died and the Fell Dragon woke up you were the one who led them."
"That's not what I meant!" Dahlia exclaims, expression frustrated.
"Well it's true!" Severa snaps back. "So drop it and let's move on already!"
They glare at each other for a moment before Dahlia backs down, sitting back with a disgruntled huff.
"Severa, that's not fair." I shake my head in exasperation. "What else is bothering you Dahlia, you can tell me."
Dahlia looks over at Severa, scowls, and looks back to me. She frowns in thought for a moment, then declares: "That's not my name."
I realize that she's changing the subject, but it's a confusing enough reveal that I'm thrown off completely. "Wait, what?"
"My real name isn't Dahlia. I made that name up."
"Why?" I frown in confusion. "What… isn't this all confusing enough already?"
Dahlia giggles briefly at that, before explaining. "My real name is Diana."
And that does put it quite well into perspective for me. "…You're named after my mother." Something about that hurts me. It really does. The same burning pain that I feel whenever I think too long of the home I lost. But at the same time, it feels different now. It's like, knowing that my future self cared enough about this girl to tie her to my past like that… It makes it all so much more real. And beautiful.
If I had the time to wax poetic right now I probably would. But I still have much more to talk about, and not nearly enough time for all the questions I need to ask. "So you changed your name because you knew it would mean something to me if I heard it.
Dah-Diana nods at that. "I didn't want to risk you looking closer if you recognized it."
"Lumír as well?"
"No, that's his real name." Diana replies, surprising me again. He must have been named by his mother then, whoever she was. Lumír's a fine name, but certainly not one I'd ever choose. Too French. I think. Diana continues talking as I mull this over, giving me a somewhat mischievous look. "You know, King's name was changed, too."
"From?"
"Nidoking."
I stare blankly at her. Then turn to Severa, wordlessly asking her to confirm this. She rolls her eyes and nods. "You used to make up stories about those stupid Pokémon things to tell us when we were little. They drove me crazy after a while; I still see them in my nightmares sometimes. Diana loved them though."
"Nidoking was usually the hero of the stories." Diana says, a small grin on her face. "The big strong monster who saves the day from the bad guys. So that's who I named my Griffon after."
"He was always my favorite." I say, struggling not to laugh. "Ah geez, I can't believe you named your Griffon after a Pokémon! No doubt about it, you're my daughter alright!" Unsaid is how very believable it is that I'd tell my kids Pokémon stories to begin with. I'm not at all surprised I'd still be thinking about them years from now, even in an apocalypse. That stupid series will always be near and dear to my heart.
"Of course!" Diana replies. "Though I think the name change may have to be a permanent thing. He likes King far better. He's always been quite vain."
"Well, I suppose it's only right that we respect King's wishes on that point!" I chuckle, before falling silent. "Why didn't you tell me you were my daughter? Either of you?"
Diana opens her mouth to speak, but Severa beats her to it. "Hello? Adopted, remember?"
"You know damn well what I think about that." I snap back. "Adopted or not, you're as much my daughter as she is."
Both of them look upset at this, and start giving each other heated looks. I stare at the two of them for a moment before feeling very pissed off. "So help me you two had damn well better not be mad at each other for what I think you are right now!"
"We're not." Diana sniffs. "My sister's just being a stubborn idiot."
"Oh like you're one to talk!" Severa rolls her eyes.
"This is not the time for squabbling!" I growl. "What the hell's gotten into you two?"
The two glare at each other a moment longer, before turning to me as one. "Nothing!" They declare, completely in sync and still clearly upset with each other.
I glare at them for a moment longer before sighing in defeat. Whatever they're upset about they clearly have no intention of talking about it with me. "Well you're definitely siblings, no doubt about that." I groan, thinking back on the many fights I had with my sister over the years. "Fine, have it your way. Next question."
They look back to me, suddenly acting eager to please again. I roll my eyes, making it clear I don't buy the act. "Right. Then… who was- actually no, I'm better off not knowing that." I frown. I had been about to ask who the mother was, but frankly speaking I see no benefit to knowing that while still single. There's no way in hell that's conducive to a healthy relationship. "Alright then… uhh… you said you told Cordelia everything. What does that entail exactly?"
"…Probably more than you'd like." Severa admits nervously. "We told her about the future thing. …And that I was her daughter."
"You told her that?" I look at her in surprise. Last I checked she was still against telling Cordelia about much of anything.
"I told her." Diana replies proudly.
"Nosy." Severa grumbles. Diana sticks her tongue out at her. It's all very childish. Which is honestly relieving, especially in Diana's case. Last time I spoke to her she seemed to be trying far too hard to sound like an adult, to probably an unhealthy degree.
"Alright, so she knows about Lumír, about the time travel, about Severa, about how I'm your father… your real name?" I watch for a moment as Diana nods, and sigh. "Didn't want to get her involved in this mess. But okay."
I think a moment longer. "Right, Noire. What were you fighting about with her?"
"You have to ask?" Severa snaps, suddenly looking furious. "She saw Diana! Months ago! And didn't say a word to me until earlier today. She's lucky I didn't kick her ass!"
"What? No!" Diana exclaims in shock. "Severa, you mustn't! I made her promise not to talk to anyone about me."
"You never heard about them?" I frowned. "I thought you'd have seen them when they picked up Lady Emmeryn."
"I was a little bit busy fighting the Plegian army at the time." Severa drawls. "I heard that there was a Griffon, but other than Chrom it was only the Pegasus Knights and everyone riding with them who actually saw them! I heard it was a kid riding the thing, and I thought of Diana, but I didn't make the connection. Because it couldn't actually be Diana! If it was Diana I'm sure my best friend, who was riding with that group, would have the decency to FUCKING TELL ME!" She snaps out furiously, shoulders heaving with barely contained rage.
"She was just keeping her promise, Severa! Please don't be mad with her." Diana cries out, looking guilty and trying her best not to cry.
"Of course I'm mad!" Severa snaps out. "She shouldn't have lied! Not to me! I've been worried sick for months!"
The two start hugging and crying, upset yet again, though not at each other this time. I let out a heavy sigh as I watch the two. This is one fight I fear won't be settled any time soon. Especially since, as much as it sucks to admit after seeing Noire so upset earlier, Severa really does have a very good reason to be mad at her. Severa needs time, and Noire needs to give an explanation for why she did what she did. I'll have to try talking to her later.
"Oh my." Cordelia says, entering the door with Lumír in tow, and pausing at the sight of the two crying girls. "I don't suppose something to eat would work to dry these tears?"
The two pull apart, and Diana gives a grateful smile. She's about to say something, when Severa cuts in with a scowl. "Not hungry."
"Tough shit." I reply, giving her a warning look. "You've had a hell of a long day and you need to eat something. No way in hell you aren't exhausted after all this."
Severa scowls even further, about to start snarking again no doubt. Before she can say anything though, Lumír toddles over and puts a hand on her knee, staring up at her. She looks down, startled, and groans. "Ugh, quit it with the eyes! Fine, I'll eat."
"Wonderful!" Cordelia smiles, bringing the two plates she's carrying over to their little table. She watches a moment as they start eating, then turns to me with an apologetic smile. "I remembered you had something earlier, so I thought I should make sure the girls ate first. I can go get you something now?"
"Don't worry about me." I shake my head, and get to my feet with a groan. "I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive." I smile gratefully at her. "Thanks, though." I turn to look to the others and sigh. "Honestly, I think I just want to get back to the keep and go to bed at this point."
Cordelia frowns at that. "Right, we have to get back to the Shepherds… So what do we do about all of this, then?"
"Good question." I nod thoughtfully. "Well, I'm sure if I talked to Chrom that he could arrange for Diana and Lumír to bunk with the Shepherds…"
"I won't be able to do that, actually."
The two of us turn slowly to face Diana, who is looking up at us with a contrite expression. "King and I have something else I have to do at the moment."
"God damn it." I grit my teeth in frustration. "Don't tell me: this is some sort of time travel bullshit, isn't it?"
"Well… probably?" Diana fidgets uncomfortably. "I'm not sure why it's important, but you, or rather my father, assured me it needed to be done. He said I shouldn't get involved with the Shepherds until the task was completed."
"Which is why you told Noire to keep this a secret." I nod, putting the pieces together.
"If that's the case though, then why involve yourself in the fight at the border?" Cordelia frowns in confusion. Oh, good catch! I nod along and look back to Diana for an answer.
Diana goes very pink. "It was an accident. I forgot what day that happened. I was trying to sneak away when the Shepherds stumbled into me."
"And you just had a fake name ready? Or names, rather?" I amend, remembering the Griffon.
"I made them up on the spot." Diana shrugs. "King was easy enough to think of. And Dahlia's are my favorite kind of flower."
"Good taste!" I say with a grin. I don't actually know what a dahlia looks like off the top of my head, but with everything going on I feel like this conversation needs some positivity. Diana brightens up a bit at the comment, so I think it's a job well done.
"…I still think you should travel with the Shepherds right now." Cordelia says, frowning apprehensively. "It's dangerous for two children to be travelling alone in times like this, even if they have a Griffon to look after them. The Shepherds aren't going to be totally safe either, but at least there will be people to look after you and Lumír."
"We could probably get the people working for Flavia to look after them." I point out. "They'd be safe here in Gelida Dominus."
"But there would be nothing to stop them taking King and flying away as soon as our eyes were off them." Cordelia replies, shutting my idea down immediately. "If they're with the Shepherds, then they'd have Sumia to deal with, and we both know she'd watch them like a hawk."
"A bolt from the air, striking without warning if you step out of line." I joke, "Except with affection instead of sharp talons."
"Wait, you're just going along with this?" Severa asks me incredulously, though the effect is ruined by the sight of her bouncing Lumír on her knees while she glares. "Diana just told you she couldn't come with us!"
"Yes, but frankly speaking I agree with Cordelia. It's dangerous enough for Diana as is, but Lumír as well? Out of the question." I shake my head. "I know I'm not the most qualified of parents given the fact that I literally just met you two, but even I know that letting two year olds roam the countryside during wartimes is pretty fucking stupid."
"Language." Cordelia chides, jabbing me lightly with an elbow.
My brain runs rapid-fire through at least a dozen different sarcastic responses before settling on the smartest option, "Right, sorry. At any rate, my point stands. It's too dangerous for you to be flying around unsupervised."
"But… but I have to do this!" Diana protests. "My dad trusted me with this, you mustn't stop me!"
Ah geez, now she's getting teary-eyed on me. I scratch at the back of my neck uncomfortably and look over to Cordelia. She's kinda showing me up in the whole 'adulting' thing, face not budging in the slightest. When she catches my gaze wandering she sends me a disapproving scowl, clearly recognizing that I'm bending under my daughter's pleading look.
Can't really help it though. Apparently Diana learned a thing or two from watching Severa over the years. Primarily: how not to deal with me. When Severa gets upset I usually find it amusing, life and death circumstances excluded. That watery-eyed gaze though…
Yeah, I crack like a fucking egg. "Paper and pen."
"What?" Diana blinks in confusion.
"Paper and pen." I repeat. "You've been handling letters and stuff, right? So you should have some."
"Oh!" Diana gasps, hopping out of her seat and rushing to her bag. I take her place at the table, and pass her the meal Cordelia brought up as she brings me what I asked for.
"Eat that while I write." I say, shooing her over to the bed so she can eat. "You too, Severa." I call across the table. "You can play with your brother once you've finished eating. No more of this hunger strike nonsense."
"I wasn't!" Severa protests hotly, setting Lumír down from her lap and stabbing at her meal. I choose to believe that the look she sends Cordelia as she resumes eating is entirely because that's who Lumír runs to for more attention. I don't want to think about how the situation with those two is going to play out now that Cordelia knows she and Severa are related.
"What exactly are you writing, Ben?" Cordelia asks, peering over my shoulder as she tousles Lumír's hair.
"A letter of… introduction, I guess?" I frown as I try to arrange my thoughts. "Not sure what the official term for this would be. I know a guy who can help with this. He lives in the area and has a kid of his own, so he should be able to help. Money won't be a problem either; from what I hear he's been making it big the past few months."
"And you think he'll agree to helping with this?"
"Probably. He's a good guy, though a bit weird."
"Are you talking about Christoph?" Severa asks curiously.
"Good catch!"
"Wasn't difficult." She shrugs. "You only know like, two people outside of the Shepherds."
I give her a flat look. "Shouldn't you be eating right now?"
Severa rolls her eyes and scoops another forkful of carrots and gravy.
"So… who is this Christoph?" Cordelia asks curiously.
"He's a musician." I explain. "I broke his son out of a slaver camp last year. We performed at Arena Ferox together, and I hear he's been getting pretty popular since then."
"And you think he can be trusted?"
"Like I said. He's a good guy. I worked closely with him for most of a month. And his kid seems to be growing up well, from what little I remember of him."
"Hmm…" Cordelia mulls it over. "Well, they are your children. I suppose it's only right that I trust your judgement on this."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence." I reply with a smirk. "Here, mind checking this over for me? I've never had to write a lot of letters in this language, so I want to be sure it's all legible."
She takes the letter and takes a minute to scrutinize it. "You misspelled 'adopted.' You forgot the tail here, see?"
"Ah, right." I scratch in the extra mark. "Thanks. Everything else look good?"
"It should do." Cordelia replies "Though the way some of this is worded… it almost seems as though…"
"You noticed, huh?" I nod. "Yeah, there's one other thing I need for this to work. Severa… I need to ask you something important."
"If you're about to ask me to look after them, don't bother." Severa replies with a scowl. "I was already planning on it."
"Atta girl." I grin proudly.
"I am not in need of a babysitter!" Diana protests across the room.
"Think of it as a family outing." I reply.
"With half the family absent?" Severa snarks.
I give her a look, then turn back to Diana. "If that doesn't work, then think of her as a bodyguard. After all the time you spent with Donnel that shouldn't be a problem right?" Cordelia's earlier comment about Donnel's crush suddenly pops into my head and I find myself feeling suddenly nervous for some reason…
I must be overthinking things. Surely.
Anyways, Diana still seems to want to protest the matter, so I move to cut her off. "You want to go out there and do the job my future self gave you? Then you're taking Severa. It's either that or you come back with us to the Shepherds."
"But that's not-"
"Those are my terms." I say firmly. "I'm already being far too lax with your safety as is, frankly. If I had any sense I'd be running as far away from Plegia as physically possible and taking all three of you kids with me, but that's not the world we live in."
Diana gets a look on her face like she just swallowed a lemon, but quickly manages to school her face back into its usual picture of calm. "I understand." She says quietly. "The two of us will leave tomorrow, then."
"Don't worry Dad." Severa says, giving me a small smile. "We'll be alright. So you be safe in Plegia. If I find out you've made a mess of things again without me you'll be in big trouble."
"Got it. I'll be sure to wait until you're back before I make another mess." I grin, getting up from my chair. "That way you'll have a front row seat."
"Right." She says shakily. "Good."
I watch as she tries desperately to keep the usual persona going, and find myself suddenly on blessedly familiar ground, recognizing a problem I actually know how to handle. "Alright, come give your dad a hug before I head back to the keep. That's an order."
She scowls up at me with watery eyes. "Fine, if it means that much to you."
She tries to crush my ribcage. I return the favor. After a moment Lumír decides he wants in on this as well and runs over. "Heck yeah, come here little man." I grin as Severa and I pull him in, then turn to Diana. "Come on, group hug. Participation is mandatory."
"I'm not sure…" Diana hesitates, standing up from the bed but looking apprehensive.
"Just shut up and get over here." Severa growls.
And she does.
I'm holding all three of them.
Holy shit, I have three kids now. I have a freaking toddler. I don't know what to do with them before they're teenagers. I barely know what to do with them when they are teenagers, honestly. Is this how every parent feels? Because it's fucking terrifying.
They don't need to know that, though.
"We'll be alright." I say, holding them a little tighter. "All of us. You go do what you have to. As long as you have each other we have nothing to fear. And you don't have to worry either. Because I won't let anything happen to me. Not when I have you three to come back to. I'll see you again, safe and sound, and then we'll have plenty of time to figure all of this out properly. Sound good?"
I get to my feet, having dropped to my knees for Lumír's sake, and have to stifle a grimace when I realize I've completely forgotten about poor Cordelia. She stands by the door, looking politely away from the four of us. I imagine she felt opening the door and leaving entirely would draw too much attention.
"We'd better go." I say, looking back down at the kids. "I have a feeling Cordelia and I are going to have a lot of explaining to do when we come back without you."
I give my apologies to the innkeeper on the way out, but Donnel seems to be far ahead of me in that regard. He and Cordelia have already given her a very simplified explanation of events, telling the woman only that I discovered my daughter was here and got worried. That, along with Donnel's offer to help in the kitchen for the rest of the night, proved enough to smooth things over. The money I give her to pay for the lock I broke certainly helped as well.
With Donnel stuck washing dishes for a while yet, Cordelia and I return to the Shepherds alone. The streets are largely silent now, though sound can be heard from the doors of any business with an open bar. A great many Feroxi are drinking the night away in preparation for the war to come, even though the long march won't begin for several days yet.
"It's a lot to take in, isn't it?" Cordelia says after a while. "I hardly know what to think of it all."
"Understandable." I sigh. "When Severa first told me about all of this I was a mess. Didn't sleep a wink all night."
"What do we tell the others?"
I think it over for a minute. "Severa found some old members of her old mercenary company." I suddenly remember Noire, and realize more detail will be necessary. "No, we'll be more specific, say it was her siblings. She found her siblings and decided to travel with them for a while, because they're too young for war and need somebody to look after them."
"And what about the time travel? Or everything they said about… Grima?" She shudders as she says the name.
"They don't need to know." I shake my head. "Not yet, anyways."
"Are you suggesting I lie to them?" She frowns.
"I'm suggesting you omit some details." I say firmly. "Everything I said to pass on was true. It just wasn't the complete story."
Cordelia gives me a considering look, as if re-evaluating me in her head. "I can't help but wonder how many of these details you've omitted with us until now. You seem very used to this sort of thing."
"I am." I reply, not seeing any reason to dispute the fact at this point. "I'm a man from another world, Cordelia. In a lot of ways I'm living a lie every minute of every day I spend here. It was the only way I could survive in this place."
I stop walking, and Cordelia takes this as a cue to turn and face me. I smile helplessly, feeling compelled to continue at this point. "And yet, if I were to go back to my home, I'd be no better. I'd smile and go about my day, knowing all the while that what I've done and experienced in this world will never leave me."
"…It sounds like a very lonely existence." She says, meeting my eyes. The look she gives me is one of grief, and pity, and a bit too much empathy.
"It can be." I reply. "There are good moments too, though."
"Like the children." She says, looking away.
"Yeah, that's good. It's a confusing mess, but it's still good." I shake my head. "Seriously though, I have three of them now. Three! I don't even know what to think of it all!"
"And apparently I have one as well. Though she seems far happier with you." Cordelia replies, a wistful tone in her voice.
"Ah." I flinch. "Shit. I'm sorry Cordelia. I didn't even think about… That was selfish of me. You must be feeling pretty upset with me right now."
"Upset with you?" Cordelia looks over in surprise. "Ben, I couldn't be more grateful to you! Knowing that you were there for my future self, to look after her the way you did… No, if anything I'm upset with myself."
"Yourself?"
"Of course." She replies bitterly. "The way she looked at me, how reluctant she was to tell me the truth. If Diana hadn't spoken I would never have even found out. She's my daughter, if from a different time, and yet she could barely stand the sight of me!" She clutches at her arms tightly enough that it must be physically painful, glaring out into the dark of night. "I must have been such a terrible mother to her."
"Hey, no, that's not true!" I protest, placing my hands over hers and gently loosening them from their ironclad grip over her own skin. "Look, she told me a bit about her life with you, and I have no doubt you were doing the best you could for her."
"Was I?" Cordelia growls. "Because I can easily see myself failing in that regard. What if I was a terrible mother to her? What if I held her responsible for what happened to me? I've been thinking about how I would feel to know my dreams of finding love had come to such a thing, a drunken night and a bad choice, and… I don't like the way it feels to think of it. What if my future self… resented her for this?"
"That's enough!" I snap. "Cordelia, listen very carefully to what I'm about to say. You are not, and will never be, that kind of person. You are kind, and strong, and caring. You'd sooner die then bring that kind of pain to anyone, let alone a child. Let alone your child."
She stares at me in wide-eyed shock, but I continue unabated. "You are smart, and responsible, and loving, and I know for a damn fact that you'd have been a wonderful mother to Severa. The only reason things are like this between the two of you is because you didn't get that chance. It's not your fault that things worked out that way, it's just bad luck. That's all."
I realise by now that I'm getting too worked up; I've basically traded one death grip on her arms for another. So I take a deep breath, relax, and step back. "Sorry. I just… you're a wonderful person, alright? It kills me to see you always acting like… like you deserve even half the crap you've gone through. You don't. You really don't. You're awesome." I feel my face heat up as I become a bit too conscious of her gaze on me. "And I'm rambling. Sorry. I should probably just… yeah."
"Why is it," Cordelia asks, staring at me thoughtfully. "That it feels as though every time I'm ready to fall apart, you're always there to help me pick up the pieces."
"Uhh!" I gape, "What? I've been… I kinda thought I was fucking things up, honestly. I'm still not sure why you're even talking to me. Especially after what happened with Aurora."
Her face falls at that. "Aurora… I miss her so much. It seems so unfair that she had to die after all she did to protect me. And I wish more could have been done for her. But… nothing more could have been done, could it?"
"It was… Lissa just couldn't have done anything to help. It was too late." I shake my head. "I knew it too. I could tell just by looking at her. And yet… I lied to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving you false hope, and I'm sorry it took me so long to take responsibility for that."
"Maybe it was false hope." Cordelia says quietly. "But I think it was what I needed at that moment. And it means a great deal to me that you were there for her. If it couldn't be me, then I'm glad it was a friend. You don't have to feel guilt for what happened to Aurora. You kept your promise to me. You did everything you could. You were there for her."
I feel myself starting to tear up over that, and clap a hand over my eyes to save face, forcing a chuckle. "God damn. I'm starting to think we both might have a problem with being too hard on ourselves, huh?"
"We certainly might." Cordelia smiles back. "Our own worst enemies."
"Well then." I announce, trying to discreetly wipe my face. "Let's make a deal. If I start getting too down on myself, you knock some sense into my head. And I'll do the same if you find yourself forgetting how brilliant you are."
"That sounds like a fine idea." Cordelia replies, beaming. Her face falls a moment later. "Though as productive as all of this has been, I realize we've forgotten the most pressing issue at the moment."
I frown. "Which pressing issue is this? There's gotta be at least a dozen by now."
"We still need to discuss what happens next? Now that we know all of this."
"Nothing, as far as I'm concerned."
"Nothing? But this is… this is the end of the world, Ben!" Cordelia protests, looking very lost. "We have to do something, surely!"
"Alright, you want a step by step plan, here it is. We go to Chrom and tell him, only him mind you, about what we now know. We tell the rest of the Shepherds the exact story I brought up earlier. And then we follow Chrom into Plegia to help him save his sister."
"…That leaves so much unaddressed though. Grima, the end of the world, whatever plans your children are acting upon…"
"And that's fine." I shake my head. "Because what we have to do right now hasn't changed at all. Today we save Ylisse. The rest of the world can follow tomorrow."
The answer doesn't fully satisfy Cordelia, but it seems to quell her immediate concerns at the very least. We walk the rest of the way back to Flavia's keep in silence, each with our own thoughts to consider.
I've got more questions than I know what to do with, especially after today. I'm no fool, it took a while but I've realized in retrospect that those kids were dodging my questions. There's something more going on between the three of them, something to do with me. They knew I wouldn't be aware of Diana's existence, and distracted me every time I brought that topic up. My future self must have warned them somehow. But why?
And what is it they're hiding from me? What secret goals are they following?
It's a scary thought. But one I don't allow to bother me. I trust Severa. And I'm sure Diana is no less deserving of that same trust, even if I barely know her. So with both of them off on their secret mission I decide that's an issue I can shelf for now, in favor of what matters right now: my little scheme with Emmeryn.
And that letter I wrote for Christoph gave me an idea in that regard. If I go through with this it would be absolutely insane. Even more so than that stunt with the Griffons. Possibly even worse than Kidnapper's Keep… But it may be just the thing to help evolve this scheme from a concept to a proper formula for victory.
Kids are gone now, after all. So why not break a rule or ten if they aren't around to see it?
A bit of a detour from all the schemes you were waiting for, but necessary for later. In the meantime you'll have to be satisfied with Ben getting more children. He collects those little buggers like they're Pokemon, so it's only natural at least one of them was influenced.
Next time, The Shepherds go to Plegia, and Ben starts putting his plan together...
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