CHAPTER EIGHT: THE MECHANIC, THE TECH-WIZ, AND THE BROKEN
I WAS GLARING DOWN AT THE STAGE FLOOR BELOW ME, STANDING ON AN UNFINISHED SET PIECE THAT WOULD STAND IN FOR THE NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL. Jacob was standing across from me, only ten feet higher on the catwalk above the stage. Below all of us, stood Michelle, propped on a false pyre, Mr. Banner stood towards her left. Jess and Angela stood tentatively off stage, their worried eyes fixated on me. Seth watched from the sound-booth, his face as anxious as the others, only Jacob seemed at ease.
We had tested the rigging and harness in excess. Jacob's mechanical expertise had soared beyond Mr. Banner's expectations. This should be safe, beyond safe. And I should be apprehensive, even if just a little, but I was not. I trusted Jacob and his work.
"Beau," Mr. Banner called up at me, "are you ready?" I was only fifteen feet above the stage, and I knew that it was not necessarily the hight that was worrying those beneath me, but the flight plan that Jacob had managed to construct. It had been quite brilliant, and I knew that only Jacob could have thought of and implemented the idea. With the added rigging, I would swing above the first four rows in the house, then swing back around toward the stage, landing at Michelle's left side. She too sported her own independent harness which would hoist her into the air along with me to give the illusion that we were both swinging back towards the set piece—though she would only fly seven feet above the ground. I reigned in my annoyance as I felt my small audiences' anxiety as my own. I understood their concern, and my ire at not having been sleeping was not theirs to have to deal with.
"Ready as I'll ever be," I called down with a smile. Jacob smirked, either impressed with my trust in his handy work, or my willingness to be reckless.
"Beau, Charley and Dad are on standby if something happens," Seth's voice informed from the booth's intercom. I rolled my eyes and groaned.
"I'm going to jump," I said, not bothering to wait for Mr. Banner's official, "okay".
In all, the act itself took just seven seconds. But those mere seconds in time seemed to happen simultaneously in an accelerated pace, while also slow. I could feel the wind rip through my hair as my body twirled around the auditorium. My brain was on autopilot. I knew how I would need to position my body as I swung to appear as though I, and not a harness connected to rigging, were guiding myself and the rope I pretended to cling to from where I had stood and towards the faux pyre.
My feet hit the stage with a nearly inaudible thud. I took two steps forward, closing the distance between Michelle and I, still unthinking, letting my mind and body work without me. I held my arms out as I reached the pyre, pretending to yank the ropes that bound Michelle to the stake off her; she fell from the platform and into my arms. Carefully, I hoisted her over my left shoulder, and reached for the false rope. Jacob's design continued to work seamlessly, and Michelle and I soared where we had been rooted and back towards the cathedral set piece.
Twenty-five seconds. That's all it had been from the time I had initially jumped to where Michelle and I had landed. I could hear the celebrated cheers at the success. I smiled and joined in the small victory with them, though still feeling no true joy.
I wagered that little over a half-month had passed since I'd woken up from the haunting dream of Edward and Victoria. The long, deep lacerations that I had awoken to, were in-deed scratches, but ration dictated that they had been made by my own doing. A strange, subconscious action caused by myself during the moment in the dream where it had been Victoria.
My nights since then were plagued by delusions of Edward. Each were as vivid and real as the others had been, and in each I found myself both slave and master to them. I was helpless in the creation of the dream, helpless to my subconscious as it conjured the images of Edward.
Edward running further from the snow-covered land, Victoria never far behind. Edward turning to fight her, Victoria always, impossibly, one step-ahead. Edward hesitantly reaching a destination I knew he both loathed and treasured: the forest that stood right across my bedroom window.
In these dreams I was always beside him. Beside him as he ran, as he fought, as he watched. Just as I been able to do with him when he had been real, I could physically feel his anguish, his regret, his suffering. Delusions, I would remind myself, even in the dream. The emotions were my own, emotions I tirelessly suppressed. They were not his. I would not allow myself to accept that.
I was powerless to these visions and emotions, and powerless to conceal the momentary eruption of joy I felt when my eyes opened. For he was there each night. A horrifically real mirage. So real, that as I had awoken from the dream where, after a full week of merely watching from the forest, he had lost his battle and had entered my room. Silent as smoke, he slithered in from the window that I had never locked, as I had followed. I watched him watch me, relief flooded his face for the tiniest fraction of a moment along before it was washed away with grief as he watched me sleep. I had woken up from this very dream, believing that I caught the unmistakable, otherworldly, intoxicating scent of him.
I was powerless to all this.
But master, in that he no longer heard me, no longer saw me. Not since the dream—nightmare, where I had scratched myself. He did not call out for me, he did not look at me with any form of yearning. I suspected that this was the only minuscule defense my subconscious could muster. I was able to save myself from any conjured conversation, that I was confident would only succeeded in sending me further down my path of insanity than I already was. Though, always it seemed, that though he did not speak to me, or reach out, a part of him sensed me. I pushed the notion from my mind, keeping my smile on my face.
After rehearsal had concluded for the day, the opening of the show only a month away, Seth, Jacob and I walked from the auditorium towards my truck. The storm had lately, on rare occasions, lightened to what was consider "normal," for us here in Forks. These rare moments of a light rain never lasted long, and were sporadic at best. I often found myself wondering if the storm, that had appeared the night they left, was another reminder from the universe that the light would never return. To Forks, or to myself.
Jake and Seth argued amongst themselves over who would sit in the small, middle seat. My already tall height, mixed with Jake and Seth's recent growth spurts, made for an incredibly tight cab.
I paid them little mind as I unlocked the doors and hopped into the driver's seat, revving the engine until the Thing groaned to life.
"Boys, flip a coin or walk to the Rez," I threatened, the good mood I had faked slipping from me.
"I don't have a coin," Seth called out as a clap of thunder roared overhead. I rolled my eyes.
"Fine. Seth you sit in the middle, you'll get the full passenger side on our way home. Jake, don't be obnoxious and take up more room than you need."
Seth groaned will Jacob smugly clapped the back of Seth's shoulder with his large hands.
"I'll give it my best shot," he said as he practically threw Seth into the truck's cab.
As I made the now familiar drive to the Quileute Reservation, Seth and Jacob continued to bicker, now fighting over who should have control of the AUX cord Seth had installed into the cursed stereo.
My mind tuned them out effortlessly. I decidedly fought against remembering the livid details of the previous night's dream, while simultaneously being consumed by it. I thought of researching hysteria, if one's mind could break to the point where they truly began to see, hear and smell things that were not there. The dreams had always been too realistic, and I was always too lucid in them. I was exhausted, as though I truly never slept. Was I even sleeping? Was any of this actually subconscious notions concocted during the deepest parts of the REM cycle? Or had I been awake the entire time, only imagining it all to be a dream—when really it was a psychotic break?
Seth's voice pierced through my frantic thinking, and brought me back to reality. No. It couldn't be that either. Seth spent at least two nights a week in our room with me, he would've said something if he'd seen me standing about in the room, talking, moving, as though I were possessed.
Then what had caused these near three-weeks of violent, vivid nightmares to haunt me, when even the nightmares from before had not been as troubling?
Lightening and thundered cracked above us, illuminating the darkening skies. I saw a flock of black birds—ravens, soar from where they had perched under the shade of an evergreen, into the boiling world above.
The near thirty-minute drive was finished before I had realized. My body had been on autopilot since we'd left Forks High. The atmosphere in the cab did not suggest that Jacob or Seth had registered this fact. I got out of the truck first, letting Seth scoot across from where he sat to exit the at the driver's side. It had been impossible to not alert Seth to Jacob and mine's plan to restore Riley Biers' worn motorcycles. We had each made Seth vow to never tell any of our parents; Jacob extending that vow with a threat of bodily harm. Seth didn't complain. As he had been the case with helping out on the show, he was merely happy to be included.
The bikes themselves actually did not need to be concealed any further than simply placing them in Jacob's shed. Billy's wheelchair couldn't maneuver the uneven ground separating it from the house.
Jacob started pulling the first bike—the red one, which was destined for me, and Seth as well—to pieces immediately. I took my usual seat on an old workbench that sat along one of the worn-down walls, Seth sitting beside Jacob as his assistant. While they worked, Jacob and Seth chattered happily, needing only the lightest of nudges from me to keep the conversation rolling. Jacob and Seth both updated me on the progress of their respective years of school, Jacob a junior, Seth only a sophomore. Jacob's mentioning of his joint classes with his two best friends captured me from the mental battle that never ceased.
"Quil and Embry?" I interrupted. "Those are unusual names."
"They were at the wedding," Seth offered.
Jacob chuckled. "You talked to Embry at the reception."
I nodded, not remembering anything. "Oh—right. So much was going on, I must've not remembered their names."
Jack laughed once. "Quil's is a hand-me-down, and I think Embry got named after a soap opera star. I can't say anything, though. They fight dirty if you start on their names—they'll tag team you."
"Mmm, fantastic friends." I added dryly, raising one eyebrow.
"No, they are. Just don't mess with their names."
Just then a call echoed in the distance. "Jacob?" someone shouted.
"Is that Billy?" I asked.
"No." Jacob said as he turned his head over his shoulder, a bright smile breaking on his face. "Speak of the devils," he sang, "and the devils shall appear."
"Jake? Are you out here?" The shouting voice was closer now.
"Yeah!" Jacob shouted back, and sighed.
The three of us waited through the short silence until two tall, dark-skinned boys strolled around the corner into the shed.
One was slender, and almost as tall as Jacob. His black hair was chin-length on one side and on the other nearly shaved, his long side tucked behind his left ear, exposing a long earring in the shape of a crest moon. The shorter boy was more burly. His white T-shirt strained over his well-developed chest, and he seemed gleefully conscious of that fact. His hair was so short it was almost a buzz. Both boys stopped short when they saw me. The thin boy glanced swiftly back and forth between Jacob, Seth and I, while the brawny boy kept his eyes only on me. His eyes, so dark they were nearly dark as coal, conveyed a look of both caution and curiosity. My mind swan with possibilities as to why. Why he had subconsciously taken a small step back upon seeing me, why his hands flexed and clenched. Why his entire being was torn?
"Hey, guys," Jacob greeted them warmly.
"What are you guys doing here?" Seth added happily.
"Hey, Jake," the short one said without looking away from me. I cocked my head, but forced as much of a smile on my face as I could.
"Quil, Embry—you two know, Beau."
Quil and Embry, I still didn't know which was which, exchanged a knowing look. I caught now that the taller boy also held an odd feeling towards me, though he was more subtle about it than the other.
"Yeah. Nice to officially meet you. I don't think we had a chance to speak at the wedding." the brawny boy informed me, holding out his hand hesitantly.
"I don't believe so, no" I confirmed, shaking hands with him. His grasp was firm; it looked like he was flexing his bicep, trying to be intimidating. I flashed him a wider smiling, showing my teeth.
"I'm Quil Ateara," he announced quickly before nearly shoving my hand back to me.
"Nice to meet you, Quil," I said, still smiling, ignoring his reluctance and the odd feeling that radiated from him.
"And I'm Embry, Embry Call," the taller one announced, "we actually did speak at the wedding—you probably already figured that out, though." Embry smiled a shy smile and waved with one hand, which he then shoved in the pocket of his jeans. Just like Quil, he seemed weary of my touch.
I nodded. "Nice to meet you, too."
"So what are you guys doing?" Quil asked, still looking away from me towards the two bikes Seth and Jacob had been teetering with.
"Well, the three of us are going to fix up these bikes," Jacob explained inaccurately. I was not fixing anything. I had already been informed to go no where near the motorcycles or Jacob's tools. Both boys went to examine Jacob and Seth's project, drilling each with educated questions. Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have their exact Y chromosome to really understand the excitement.
They were still immersed in talk of parts and pieces when I decided that I needed to head back home and finish one of my last college entry essays. It was another long-shot, never in a million-years university that I would never be able to afford without drowning in debt, but it was something to occupy my mind on weeknight evening. Seth's mom would be picking him up from Jake's later. With a sigh, I pushed myself away from one of the shed's walls.
Jacob looked up, apologetic. "We're boring you, aren't we?"
"No, you're not." And it wasn't a lie, not fully. I was enjoying myself—as much as I could at least. I stepped out into the rain, now in one of its lighter moods—how strange "I need to get dinner started, and then I need to finish this essay."
"I think he's trying to apply to every college in the country," Seth said with a smirk.
"Almost," I retorted.
"Seth and I'll finish taking these apart tonight and figure out what more we'll need to get started rebuilding them. When do you want to work on them again?"
"Could I come back tomorrow? After rehearsal?" Friday nights were the bane of my existence. With the show a month away, along with dance season setting in, my small group of real friends were more and more busy. Jessica and Angela were each as frantic in applying for colleges as I appeared to be, stressing over essays and scholarships. It was rare now to have a night out with them to occupy my mind. And there were only so many video game lessons from Seth that I could take. There was never enough homework to keep me busy.
Quil nudged Embry's arm and they shared the briefest, worried glance. I did my best to push that from my mind. I couldn't imagine what I could've done to earn their distrust. I didn't care.
Jacob smiled in delight. "That would be great!"
"Seth, I can meet you here and take you back to the house if you'd like to tag along."
"Yeah. That'll be awesome." He smiled brightly, his dark eyes, warmer than Jacob's or his other two friends, glistened under the one light that swung from the shed's ceiling.
I turned back to Jacob. "If you make a list, we can go shopping for parts," I suggested.
Jacob's face fell a little. "I'm still not sure I should let you pay for everything."
I shook my head. "No way. We've established this. I am bankrolling this party. You and Seth just have to supply the labor and expertise." I caught Embry rolling his eyes at Quil. I almost said something, not sure if my growing annoyance at their presence was entirely mine, or if I was somehow picking up on some of their own. I felt the rain begin to come down harder.
"Still doesn't seem right," Jacob shook his head.
"Yeah, I totally don't mind helping out. I still got Christmas money," Seth chimed in.
"Then buy yourself another video game," I called over Jacob's shoulder. Seth looked as though he were about to argue. "Listen, if I took these to a mechanic, how much would this all cost?" I pointed out.
Seth raised his brows and made a knowing face while Jacob smiled.
"When you put it that way you're getting a deal."
"More like getting away with murder," Seth added while he continued to tinker where he'd left off.
"Not to mention the riding lessons," I added.
Quil grinned widely at Embry and whispered something I didn't catch. Though, I felt as though I should be angry or that my face should be tinted scarlet as I blushed. Jacob's hand flashed out to smack the back of Quil's head.
"That's it, get out," he ordered, his voice more commanding than I could ever remember hearing.
"It's fine," I said darkly as I glared at the two intruding boys. The rain grew heavier with each passing moment, the dark clouds of the storm began to swirl above us. "I really do have to go," I protested, walking further towards my truck. I swung my head over my shoulder "I'll see you two tomorrow," I directed at Seth and Jacob.
As soon as I was out of sight, I heard Quil and Embry chorus, "Freaky."
The sound of a brief scuffle followed, interspersed with an "ouch" and a "what the hell, man."
"Are you two insane," I heard Seth's voice call out.
"If either of you set so much as one toe on my land tomorrow..." I heard Jacob threaten. His voice was lost in the now pouring rain as I walked through the trees.
And while I tried not to think about the odd demeanor of Quil and Embry as I unlocked the cab, or that Seth and Jacob had caught onto it, I could not help but imagine the two of them coming quickly to my defense, in the way I imagined younger brothers would. I chuckled quietly. The sound made my eyes widen in wonder. I was laughing, actually laughing, and there wasn't even anyone watching. I felt so weightless that I laughed again, just to make the feeling last longer.
I laughed at the absurdity of everything. Everything. I laughed at everything that had ever happened in my life, that was still happening. I laughed about my parents' divorce, at how danger prone I had always been, at how how I had such unnaturally bad luck. I laughed at my assault, I laughed that my first love had been a vampire, at how much I had loved him, Edward. I laughed at how I had tried to catch up with him that day he left me in the forest. I laughed at my mental state, and what my life had turned into. I laughed, cackling insanely as I drove back to my house. I wasn't sure if there was another step towards madness, I didn't care if it were. I hadn't truly heard my true laugh, at times sounding too much like Margret Hamilton's Wicked Witch, in so, so long.
I beat my mom and Sean home. The storm had faded back towards the edges of the forest, a light rain drizzled down as I made my way towards the porch, laughing still.
Sean beat my mom home, a typical occurrence in our house. By the time he had walked in I was just taking the fried chicken out of the pan and laying it on a pile of paper towels.
"Hey, Sean." I called out as he entered the kitchen, flashing him a grin from over my shoulder.
Sean smiled back at me, as having never once seen through my act, this was not an untypical scenario. "Hey, Bud," he said, his voice warm. "Didn't get a call from Seth saying you had an accident, so I take it rehearsal went well?"
"That it did," I responded, still high on the humor I had found at my expense. "Seth and Jake have really saved our asses. This may just be the best show I've ever done."
Sean beamed, relishing in how Seth and mine's relationship had developed. It troubled him, knowing his biological children's relationship was strained. He found great comfort in the knowledge that Seth and I had established a true brotherly bond. A comfort, I realized, that I shared with him.
"I'm glad everything has worked out so well," Sean began as he loosened the tie around his collar and began unbuttoning his dress shirt. "Your mom and I were worried at fir—," he caught himself. While my act had been seamless, while I had ensured that no cracks ever, ever surfaced around others, no one had dared mentioned his name around me. Not since the night he left. I wondered now, if that was because deep down, without fully understanding, everyone knew.
"I'm really glad Seth and Jake have gotten to help out," I said through a forced smile, too quick to be fully convincing. Sean pretended not to notice.
"Did you boys have fun down at Jake's," Sean asked quickly.
I started moving the food to the table. "Yes, we did."
"Well, that's good." He was now cautious. "What are you all getting up to down there?"
Naturally, I had the answer rehearsed. The explanation flawless. "Really nothing too interesting. Not for me at least. We really just hang out in Jake's garage. Seth is helping him rebuild a Volkswagen. I am only allowed to sit, talk and watch them work. A wrench flies out of your hand one time, and suddenly you're spastic," I finished dryly.
Sean laughed. "Yeah, I think Billy mentioned that to your mom and I the last time he was over."
My mother entered just as Sean finished his sentence. Any further interrogation, from either of them stopped as they ate. My parents' focus was on the food I had prepared. I wasn't sure how, but the darkness I had found myself in since my eighteenth birthday had somehow elevated my cooking techniques. Perhaps it was all the time and energy I put into making each meal, ensuring everything was done right, that no shortcuts were taken. I focused all thought and emotion onto the meal as I made it, at home and at the bakery. It was natural; somehow my brain turned off. For however long it took to make, I didn't think of anything, or anyone, as long as I was cooking.
After dinner, I dithered around, cleaning the kitchen twice, and then did my homework slowly in the front room while my mom and Sean watched a hockey game. I waited as long as I could, but finally my mother mentioned the late hour. When I didn't respond, she and Sean both got up, stretched, and then left, turning out the light behind them.
Reluctantly, I followed, sure that tonight would be no different than the others. I would dream of him. And when I would wake, I would start the entire act all over, again. For the world, and for myself.
As I climbed the stairs, I felt the last of the afternoon's abnormal sense of well-being drain from my system, replaced by a dull fear at the thought of what I was going to have to live through now.
These dreams had cursed me. I wasn't numb anymore. Perhaps I never had been. But these nightmares that plagued me destroyed all notion that I had been. Tonight would, no doubt, be as horrific as last night. I slowly prepped myself for a soundless sleep, laid down on my bed and curled into a ball in preparation for the onslaught. I squeezed my eyes shut and…then the dream was both familiar, but horrifyingly new. I had grown accustomed to the feeling of taking flight, or falling through the sky. Not once since these vivid nightmares had begun had I experienced such a seamless transformation. I had closed my eyes and had seen darkness for but a moment. And now I felt the bright, blinding rays of sunlight searing my skin. I covered my face with my arm as I slowly opened my eyes to another unfamiliar world.
I was surrounded. Surrounded by a sea of red cloaked figures, dancing, skipping, celebrating. The sea of strangers entrapped me. Over them I could see buildings that were together timeless and ancient. I felt my heart sinking into my chest. Agony beyond what I had ever felt, beyond what I thought I had experienced, thought that I known like an old friend gripped each of my cells. My heart hammered within my chest. And although I could feel the warmth of the blistering sun, I felt only the familiar grip of Death's icy hand.
I was running out of time. Instantly I knew that at this moment I had found myself at the bottom of an hourglass, drowning in the sand as it poured above me just like the rain from the storm. But I did not understand why. This dream was more a mystery to me than any of the others had been.
Beyond the noise of the crowd of thousands I heard the clang of bells. My heart instantly sunk lower that it already had been, lower than it ever had been. I was too late. Whatever this was, whatever was going to happen, I was too late to stop it. I knew that. And yet—I ran. I ran closer to the pang of the bells. Nothing else mattered as I shoved my way through the throngs of men, women and children. I had to reach the bells. My life, my very soul depended on it.
I stared at the pale, translucent light from the moon as it broke through the storm clouds and came through my window, stunned. I knew that this was different. Something deep within urged me of that. This was not like the other dreams. This, whatever it was, was a warning. But of what?
The alarm set on my phone pierced the silent void. I did not move. Still trying to process my emotions, trying to decipher the meaning, if there were indeed any to be found, of the dream. A slow, ragged breath coursed through my open lips.
I did not move until the sound of the alarm became too annoying to ignore. After turning off the alarm, I lay still in my bed for a few minutes, waiting for it to come back. I did not feel the usual pang of longing or grief that I normally felt each morning. I did not feel the emptiness that usually came after. Only trepidation. Something was coming. Something beyond what I could understand. That knowledge gripped my soul unlike anything ever had. I had already endured my worst fears, my heart, mind, what was left of my soul already broken, blackened. What then, could be coming? What curse could be worse than the one I was currently trapped in?
I had to bring myself out of this panic before it had the chance to rage through every aspect of me. I threw the comforter and sheets from my body, ignoring the cold sweat that clung to my skin. I busied myself by making my bed, fluffing the pillows for added measure. After that, I picked my jeans and underwear from yesterday from off my floor and placed them into the hamper by my bed. I pushed the dream, that seemed more and more like some sick premonition from my mind, and concentrated, as I got dressed, on the fact that I needed to drive to school, then walk in like nothing was wrong. I then needed to go throughout the day while maintaining my act, go to rehearsal. After which I was going to see Jacob and Seth again today. The thought made me feel almost…hopeful? Maybe it would be the same as yesterday. Maybe I wouldn't have to remind myself to look interested and to nod or smile at appropriate intervals, the way I had to with everyone else. Maybe this dream was nothing more than a subconscious manifestation of my worst fear that there was more pain to come, or that I would never truly heal from this heart break? Maybe…but I wouldn't trust this to last, either. Wouldn't trust it to be the same—so easy—as yesterday. I wasn't going to set myself up for disappointment like that.
At breakfast, my mother, nor Sean, seemed to notice anything. The three of us moved about the kitchen per usual, making our individual cups of coffee, making whatever we could for a haste breakfast.
"You doing anything after school today?" my mother asked, her eyes meeting mine as a bright, hopeful smile lifted onto her face.
"I'm going to hang out with Jacob and Seth again. I'll bring Seth back to the house once we're done."
My mom and Sean nodded.
"Would you two like us to pick up something for dinner?" I asked nonchalantly.
"Would you like me to cook tonight?" my mother asked sincerely. Sean and I both gazed at her. Her smile turned sour. "Fine. I'll take care of takeout," she amended. "Smart-asses," she added under her breath.
I finished my breakfast of peanut butter toast quickly, washing it down with my still too-hot coffee, before flying upstairs to dress for the day. I didn't want the panic from early to return. I sang lightly to myself, focusing on the way my mouth moved as it formed the words to the lyrics. Outside, the storm raged on, harder than it had in weeks past, rain came down as though the sea had risen towards the sky. I had to drive more slowly than I wanted to; I could hardly see a foot in front of the truck. But I finally made it through the muddy, flooded lanes to the school parking lot.
I focused myself on the school day more intently than ever. Nothing was too small a distraction or detail. I hung onto each word spoken by my teachers, listen intently to the discussions at lunch, overly participated in each class. I did everything to avoid thinking of the previous night's dream, or the immense dread that loomed over head, beyond what I could see.
Friday rehearsal seem to zip by, and before I was totally aware of it, I was leaving Forks behind as I drove down to La Push. The rain, thankfully, began to lighten, even if only just a little, allowing me to speed towards my destination. I sang to myself loudly, any song that popped into my head, bidding my time until I arrived at Jake's.
Before I'd even had time to park, the front door opened and both Jacob and Seth came running out, Seth with a huge black umbrella.
He held it over my door while I opened it.
"Finally," Jake exclaimed as he entered the cab from the passenger side, "we've been waiting, Swan."
"We've got places to go," Seth added, adjusting his hold on the umbrella to shake as much water loose before placing it in-between his lap.
Effortlessly, without a conscious command to the muscles around my lips, my answering smile spread across my face. A strange feeling of warmth bubbled up in my throat, erasing the icy hold of grief and despair.
"Nice to see you guys, too." I threw the truck in reverse and began backing out of the muddy, graveled driveway.
"I went ahead and told my Dad we'd be spending the night at Jake's," Seth announced. "I said you were going to take Jake and I to Port Angles for some light shopping, and after we were going to catch a late movie. Billy already said it was fine."
I smirked, "I believe Jacob's been a bad influence on you."
Jake scoffed. "I've been the bad influence," he protested, stressing the phrase. "You are the oldest one here."
I paled. "Don't remind me," my voice just over a whisper. The sudden mention of my age brought up ill feelings that I was fighting to genuinely suppress. I did not want to think of my age. How I was getting older, each day, growing closer and closer to the end, the sand in the hourglass falling steadily towards the lower-half.
"Whatever," Jacob said, trying to be light-hearted, I practically heard his eyes rolling in his head.
"So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?" I asked as soon as we were off the reservation.
Jacob pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and smoothed it out. "We'll start at the dump first, see if we can get lucky. Seth and I've done what we can with what I already had. This could get a little expensive," he warned me. "To get those bike up to my standard, they're gonna need more than what I initially thought."
My face didn't look worried enough, so he continued. "I'm talking about maybe more than a hundred dollars here."
I chuckled, shaking my head. "Jacob I spend more than that on a pair of shoes," I assured him.
"You spend more than that on face cream," Seth murmured under his breath.
"Bite me," I retorted. Jake and Seth chortled.
"It may be a few hundred dollars," Jacob amended. "Maybe more." I could detect the guilt and fear in his voice. I understood that money was tight for Jacob and his family, tighter than it had ever been for my father, or my mother. That fact only cemented my resolve to pay for this all on my own. I had the money to spare.
I patted the worn murse that lay against my thigh. "We're covered, Jake," I assured him. "Let me handle it. Please." I heard Jake sigh from his nostrils.
"Yes sir," he agreed. I could hear the smile spread on his face, and felt his guilt ease, if only a little.
It was a very strange kind of evening, not one that I had truly had in months. I enjoyed myself. Even at the dump, in the slopping rain and ankle-deep mud. And it wasn't an act. I wondered at first if it was just the aftershock of losing the numbness, but I didn't think that was enough of an explanation.
I was beginning to think it was mostly Seth and Jacob. It wasn't just that both were always so happy to see me, or that they didn't watch me out of the corner of their eye, waiting for me to do something that would mark me as crazy or depressed, suspecting that the happiness, the alertness, the all-to-motivated, straight-A, perfect Beau was a front. It was that to Seth, I was just his big-brother, an older sibling that enjoyed his company, and wanted him around as much as possible. To Jacob, I was just his friend, a good friend, nothing more, nothing less. No subconscious need to be my friend to boost his own status. I was Beau, just Beau, like it had been when we were children.
And they were so, perpetually happy people, and they carried that happiness with them like an aura of angelic, golden light, sharing it with whoever was near. They were…their own earthbound suns, whenever someone was within their gravitational pull, it, or they, could not help but to be warmed by them. It was natural, a part of who they were. It was that evening the realization struck me so profoundly. It was no wonder that I had taken to Seth as an actual brother so easily, more than I had with Hector. No wonder that Jacob fit where even Jessica and Angela could not. No wonder I was always so eager to see them.
According to Jacob, we did get lucky at the dump, very lucky. He and Seth were very excited about several grease-blackened pieces of twisted metal that they found; I was just impressed that they could tell what they were supposed to be.
From there we went to the Checker Auto Parts down in Hoquiam. In my truck, it was more than a two hour drive south on the winding freeway, but the time passed easily with the two. Seth and Jake took turns chattering on about their friends on the reservation and about school, and I found myself asking questions, not even pretending, truly curious to hear what they had to say.
"Why are we doing all the talking," Jacob complained after a long story about Quil and the trouble he'd stirred up by asking out a senior's steady girlfriend. "Why don't you take a turn?" he directed the question at me. "What's going on in Forks? It has to be more exciting than La Push."
"Not at all," I sighed. "There's really nothing. Nothing. Your friends are a lot more interesting than mine. Even though I don't think they like me."
He frowned. "What are you talking about?."
Fuck. I had said too much. I was finding that to be an issue when it came to Seth and Jake.
"The last time I saw Embry and Quil, it didn't seem like they were too found of my presence."
I could feel Seth and Jake blanche. Neither of them were used to my keen ability to read and know people better than I should. It had grown, during the dark months, my ability to read those around me as if they were merely open books. There were times when I thought I even knew what they were thinking, but always I brushed that notion aside. I told myself that I was reading into what I wanted to read. Nothing more. Nothing less.
"You caught that?" Seth asked.
"They weren't particularly subtle about it," I retorted.
"It's nothing. Really," Jake began to assure. "They're just more weary of outsiders."
I got the feeling, a knowing feeling, that this was a partial lie. There was something more. And somehow, I knew that it was something to do with the Cullens.
"Well, whatever it may be, they'd better get over it."
The three of us continued to talk and banter until we reached Hoquiam, Jake and Seth still arguing over the precise attractiveness of some singer I did not know the name of, both of them reprimanding me for not knowing how to change a tire, me tearing them a new one for their idea on how to ask their perspective crushes out to the movies. This continued until we were in Checker, arriving just thirty minutes before they were set to close for the evening. Jacob and Seth had to concentrate again. They moved together, with a precision so intone, I would have thought they were somehow reading each other. We found everything left on Jake's list, and they each felt confident that they could make a lot of progress with our haul.
By the time we got back to La Push, it was well past midnight.
And while I had truly had fun, had almost forgotten the reason I was doing this, I hadn't forgotten the reason why. And, even though I was enjoying myself more than I'd thought possible, there was no lessening of my original desire. I still wanted to cheat. I wanted to break my promise to him, to my mother, to myself. I wanted to be reckless. I wanted to be free, of all gravity. It was senseless, and I really didn't care. I was going to be as reckless as I could possibly manage in Forks. I would not be the only keeper of an empty contract. Getting to spend time with Jacob and Seth was just a much bigger perk than I'd expected.
Billy was already fast asleep when we'd arrived back. Based on Seth's texts from Sean, our parents had followed suit. As such, there was no need to be sneaky as we unloaded the bed of my truck. As soon as we had everything laid out on the plastic floor, the one small headlight shinning in the sea of darkness and rain, next to Jacob's toolbox, they both went right to work, still talking and laughing while their fingers combed expertly through the metal pieces in front of them.
Jacob and Seth's skills with their hands were fascinating. I had noticed it as they worked on their projects for the show, but now that I was up close and personal, I could not help but marvel at how swiftly they each moved. Their hands, wider, larger than mine, looked too big for the delicate tasks that they performed with ease and precision. While they worked, they seemed almost graceful. Unlike when they, especially Seth, were on their feet; there, the height from their growth spurts and big feet made them, almost, nearly as dangerous as I was. Though this was a fact fiercely disputed by each of them when brought up.
Perhaps it was due to the late hour, but thankfully, Quil and Embry did not show up.
The late evening hours passed too quickly. Before I knew it, I watched as the break of dawn began to emerge from above the horizon of the sea, the bleak storm clouds momentarily parted as the light of the sun shone through.
I jumped up as the amber light swayed over the us.
"Fuck. Seth, we need to go," I nearly shouted.
Jacob and Seth moved as one body, one mind, perfectly in-sync. It was almost unnerving.
"Just leave it," Jacob said as I hesitated to put away some kind of wrench. "I'll work on it later tonight."
"Shit, Beau, the party is tonight," Seth said, his voice drained with worried knowledge.
The party! Damnit. Hailey Clearwater, Seth and Leah's mother, was throwing a party for a reason that I could not remember. I had agreed to cook for it. Finger foods. Shit.
"Damnit," I shouted into the dusky sky, rushing from Jake's garage into the light rain, Seth fallowing behind me. "We'll see you tonight, Jake," I called out.
"Beau?"
All of our heads snapped up as my mother's familiar voice wafted through the trees of Jacob's yard, sounding closer than the house.
"Shit," I muttered. "Mom?" I yelled out towards Jacob's house. Somehow I had not noticed her cruiser, obvious as always, sitting in the far-front of Jacob's drive way. My mother, with Sean wrapped around her side, strolled out from Jacob's front door, A somber Billy Black by their side.
"You boys aren't just getting in, are you?" Sean asked accusingly, both him and my mother walking quicker towards us, leaving Billy on his small porch.
"No. We're just getting up. I left my murse in the garage, so I went back to get it. Seth and I were just on our way home. What are you two doing here?"
"Billy invited us over last night, since you boys were going to be out late. Sean and I slept on the pullout. You didn't notice?" I could hear the suspicious undertone in my mother's voice.
"No. Honestly we were half-asleep by the time we got back. I don't think we would've noticed if Bigfoot had been standing in the yard," I lied effortlessly as Jacob and Seth kept silent. In the dim-light, I could see one of my mother's brows raise.
"You weren't drinking, were you?" My mother demanded, her voice harsh with the accusation.
"What? God, no, Mom. We'd all just had a very long day. By the time we got here all any of us wanted to do was go to sleep." I felt my mother's thoughts and emotions rush in her mind. I knew I had no signs of being either still intoxicated or hungover, so there was no reason for her to not believe me.
"Where did you all sleep?"
"Jeez, Sheriff," I said with a sigh. "We all crashed in Jake's room. Seth took the airmatress and I slept on the floor." That wasn't a full lie. That would have been the sleeping arrangements had we not worked through the night. My mother's face softened.
"Honey, I don't think any of the boys would be stupid enough to be drinking, especially all night," Sean assured her.
"Of course not. They're good boys, better than we were at their age," Billy added. Billy and Sean each shared a look before they looked past my shoulder towards their sons.
I could read behind it, far more easily than they would have thought, would have wished. They did not suspect us of underage drinking, nor of reconstructing motorcycles, they did suspect something. But it was nothing to do with me, not officially. I had the distinct knowing that whatever it was, it involved Seth and Jake, and worst of all the Cullens. I was merely a bystander.
Yes, that look, though brief conveyed that something was looming. A knowing that was raw, ancient, and helpless. But what it could be was beyond my understanding. And I was not foolish enough to bring it up, not even to Sean in private. Because not even Seth or Jacob were in the know.
"Hey. Let's head out." Seth offered with a smiled. "I'm sure we would all appreciate a few more hours of shut eye before we have to get ready for tonight."
My mother nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry about the third-degree."
"It's fine, Charley, just part of your nature," Jacob answered, enjoying the cloak-and-dagger. My mother nodded her head, laughing to herself.
We said our goodbyes, my mother and Sean getting into the cruiser, Seth and I into my truck. We drove in silence, slowing as the rain began to pick back up, though the lightening and thunder hovered further in the distance than they had been in the most past. When we got back to the house, Seth and I each shuffled towards our room, our feet dragging as the full exhaustion of the all nighter rammed into us like a freight train. I set an alarm on my phone that would wake me with time still to prepare the appetizers for this evening's party.
I flung myself onto the bed, barely bothering to kick off my shoes. I sunk into a deep blackness of subconscious before Seth's snoring filled room.
I was back among the ancient walls, but still I did not know where I was. The setting was incredibly vivid, horrifically vivid, more so than the first time. I looked around, once again dazed and overcome with emotions that I could not fully appreciate. They were feelings I had known on some level, but never at such a dire level. I was overwhelmed with dread, with grief and dispare, impossibly more so than I had been upon his departure from my life. He was the center of these wicked emotions, but now they were for him, not due to him. He, impossibly so, was in danger. I knew in the pit of my soul that his life hung in the balance. I was surrounded by the sea of red. Hundreds of strangers, clad in crimson cloaks pranced around me in joyous celebration, unaware of the peril that Edward and myself were in.
Lightening and thunder cracked above, and I could feel the cold rain descend on my face as I looked up towards the sky, the storm clouds parted as though it were the Red Sea of Biblical lore, bright blue, sunny sky at its center.
I felt my blood run cold at the toll of old bells. My eyes darted in front of me, past the sea of red cloaks, past where my eyes could see. He was there, in danger. And I was powerless to save him.
My eyes shot open as the clang of my phone's automative chimes stirred me from my slumber. I laid in bed for a moment longer than I should, trying to shake the oppressive nightmare from memory. I had grown accustomed to the nightly demonstrations of my subconscious' demonstration of my descent into madness, but this, it felt different. I could not help but think, no, to understand that whatever I had dreamt had been a warning.
I forced myself from my bed, down to the kitchen where I busied myself with food prep and cooking. I tried to distract myself as best as I could, but I could not shake the memory of the dream away. It ate away at me, the sense that what I had seen was…impossibly a premonition. Of something, something horrible, absolutely horrible. A place, a time, that would truly succeed in breaking me in ways I still was not able to imagine.
Seth and I drove along with my mother and Sean in the backseat of the cruiser, trays of food held securely in our laps. When we got to Hailey Clearwater's house it was already crowded. I was shocked to see Leah there. Her absence from her father and my mother's wedding would have stung me, had I been in any state to feel anything other than my own suffering. I had not seen her since. She was in her early twenties, she was beautiful in an exotic way—perfect copper skin, glistening black hair, eyelashes like feather dusters—and preoccupied. She was on her phone when we got in, and she never let it go. Seth didn't even bother trying to strike up a conversation with her. He stuck by Jacob and I throughout the evening.
Sam Uley—the man who had pulled me from the forest floor that night I dreaded to even think of in my subconscious—was there. It was an odd, unexpected alteration. The man's dark eyes had been surprisingly unfriendly, filled with some secret he didn't seem inclined to share. The same secret I had seen in Embry and Quil, Sean and Billy, stared at me as often as my eyes had fallen on him; it made me uncomfortable, under all the usual panic, to have him there. Maybe that was because, when I didn't look directly at him, his shadow seemed to shiver and change in my peripheral vision. I thought, almost peculiarly, it took the shape of some large canine.
There were many others there that I did not full know. I learned a few new names due to my proximity to Jake and Seth, most went to school with the two of them on the reservation. There was a discussion about future fishing plans that was animated among the adults.
It was loud and sometimes confusing as everyone talked over everyone else, and the laughter from one joke interrupted the telling of another. I didn't have to speak often, forcing myself to forget my earlier dream. I forced myself to be present, and in the moment. I smiled a lot, and only because I felt like it. Being in Seth and Jacob's presence, though only slightly, brought me out of my enteral darkness. For a moment, I was in the bleakest of lights, that shinned brighter given my past. I was, almost, myself with them, around them. The darkness was almost subdued. At the very least, it was easier to forget, and to not act, when I was with them.
At last, when the party was over, and most of the adults far too drunk than they should be, my mother and Sean corralled Seth and I towards the car. We each wished Jacob goodbye, setting our plans to meet up with him after school on Monday.
I was nervous when we got to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth of the distraction, and Jacob and Seth's presence combined was fading and, in its absence, the anxiety grew stronger.
To put bedtime off, I called my father, though I knew it was probably later than he would have liked me to call. We spoke about the party, and he filled me in on how he and Loretta were, and how Hector grew more curious and bright each day. Loretta had joined a new book club that frilled the time slot of the meditation and "mommy and me" classes. My father was enjoying work, though remembering the pains of midnight feedings and changes more now that Hector was on solid foods. They were planning a family trip to Disney Land with Loretta's family joining them, despondent that I could not join. As always, he did not notice the misery that awaited in the blackest parts of my soul that still longed to break free.
I felt a pang of guilt as I ended the conversation. Recalling just how little I actually remembered of what he, or Loretta, had shared with me over the past several months. In my grief, lost in the darkness, I recalled so little. And felt guiltier as that knowledge absorbed in my mind.
I stayed up extra late after that, finishing more homework than strictly necessary. But neither sleep deprivation nor the time spent with Seth and Jacob—being almost happy in a shallow kind of way—could keep me from having the same nightmare within a twenty-four hour period. The crimson cloaks, the grief, the suffering, the knowledge that I was beyond hope, the clang of the bells, all haunted me in my subconscious once more. I woke shuddering, my scream muffled by the pillow.
As the bright blue lightening filtered through the fog outside of my window, I lay still in bed and tried to shake off the dream. There had been a small difference last night, and I concentrated on that.
I went to work that Sunday, nothing strange or unusual occurring. I made sure to spend a longer than necessary time cleaning at the end of my shift before closing up. At home I watched a new episode of Dateline with my mom and Sean, each wrapped in one another's arms. I was dreading the hours ahead, when the time came for me to go to sleep, Seth now back at his mother's house. Again, the same dream from yesterday plagued me. This time, I tried desperately to find a solution or clue of how I could stop what I did not know was coming from happening. How could I save him? And why did he need saving? Especially from me? The very person who he had assured was not good enough for him?
School was the same, both fortunately and unfortunately. As always, I paid extra special attention in class, maintaining my perfect grades and record. Today, I remembered the first day I'd come to Forks High School—how desperately I'd wished that I could turn gray, fade into the wet concrete of the sidewalk like an oversized chameleon. How I had hoped that by coming here would have been the fresh start that I needed, how i had longed to escape the pain of my past. How wrong that had all been. I was now, for a lack of better words, popular. It was my fault, I knew, an unfortunate repercussion of my act. I waved and smiled in the halls when I heard my name called, or saw individuals that I recognized. I listened all through the morning, hearing once again the voices of the people around me. I tried to catch up on what was going on, desperate to forget the new, vivid, dreaded dream. But the conversations were so disjointed that I gave up.
Jessica smiled brightly at me as I sat down next to her in Calculus.
"How was the party?" she asked, her eyes bright.
"Fine," I said with a smile. "The Deviled Eggs and Spinach Puffs were a huge hit," I informed her.
"The Spinach Puffs," she said in a low-voice, mimicking the worried tone of the character Kronk. I laughed. We continued to talk until class officially began.
My fourth hour class got out late, and the lunch table I always sat at was full by the time I arrived. MaKayla was there, along with Jessica and Angela, Jeremy, Conner, Tyler, Eric and Lauren. Katie Marshall, the redheaded junior who lived around the corner from me, was sitting with Eric. Now, more fully trying to be present, I wondered how long they'd been sitting here, unable to remember if this was the first day or something that was a regular habit.
I was beginning to get annoyed with myself. I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanuts through the last semester. How much had I truly missed?
No one looked up when I sat down next to MaKayla, even though the chair squealed stridently against the linoleum as I dragged it back.
I tried to catch up with the conversation.
MaKayla and Conner were talking a spread in the yearbook, which I quickly gave my opinion on, and offered to write the copy of.
"Where's Ben today?" Lauren was asking Angela. I perked up, interested. I wondered if that meant Angela and Ben were still together. There was not way I would have missed that. Angela and Jessica had been one of the few strings that had clung me to sanity, along with Seth and Jake over the last several months. Surely I would have not missed that.
I barely recognized Lauren, granted I tried hard to pay her as little attention as I could. She'd cut off all her blond, corn-silk hair—now she had a pixie cut so short that the back was shaved like a boy. What an odd thing for her to do. I wished I knew the reason behind it. Did she get gum stuck in it? Did she sell it? Had all the people she was habitually nasty to caught her behind the gym and scalped her? I decided it wasn't fair for me to judge her now by my former opinion. For all I knew, she'd turned into a nice person.
"Ben's got the stomach flu," Angela said in her quiet, calm voice. "Hopefully it's just some twenty-four hour thing. He was really sick last night."
I'd noticed, for the first time, in shamed charging, that Angela had changed her hair, too. She'd grown out her layers.
"What did you two do this weekend?" Jessica asked, smiling at Angela, who I knew (and unfairly giving the current circumstances) considered us as her best friends, sounded so curious and hopeful, trying as always to pull Angela into the mix.
"We were going to have a picnic Saturday, actually, but... we changed our minds," Angela said. There was an edge to her voice that caught my interest. Jess caught it too. She eyed me, and I knew she'd want to discuss it later.
"I'm sorry" she said, her voice concerned, I knew her mind, immediately, going to worst-case-scenario. "Is everything okay?"
"Well," Angela said, seeming more hesitant than usual, though she was always reserved, "we drove up north, almost to the hot springs—there's a good spot just about a mile up the trail. But, when we were halfway there... we saw something."
"Saw something? What?" Jessica's dark eyebrows pulled together. Even Lauren seemed to be listening now.
"I don't know," Angela said. "We think it was a bear. It was black, anyway, but it seemed... too big."
Lauren snorted. "Oh, not you, too!" Her eyes turned mocking, and I decided I didn't need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Obviously her personality had not changed as much as her hair. "Tyler tried to sell me that one last week."
"You're not going to see any bears that close to the resort," Jessica said, siding with Lauren.
"Really," Angela protested in a low voice, looking down at the table. "We did see it." Lauren snickered. MaKayla was still talking to Conner, not paying attention to the others.
"No, she's right," I threw in impatiently. "A while back, I had a hiker in the bakery who said he saw something, too. Only," I trailed off for a moment, unsure if I should finish. "Only he said it was a wolf. He said it was huge and black and just outside of town. But differently a wolf."
There was a moment of silence. Every pair of eyes at the table turned to stare at me in shock. The new girl, Katie, had her mouth hanging open like she'd just witnessed an explosion. Nobody moved.
"A wolf?" MaKayla said, horrified.
"No way," Conner added.
"That's what the guy said," I assured. "He was talking to his companion, and he was positive that he saw a wolf. One larger than a bear."
"Shit," Conner murmured.
"I think those same guys were in my parents' store," MaKayla added, her face pale white. "He had a red beard. He said it was larger than a horse. A horse sized wolf."
"He was obviously on something," Lauren said, crossing her arms. She turned to Jessica, her shoulders stiff, and changed the subject. "Did you hear back from USC?" she asked.
Everyone else looked away, too, except for MaKayla, Jessica and Angela. Angela smiled at me tentatively, and I hurried to return the smile.
"So, Jessica said that Dead End was terrfiying?" MaKala asked tentatively, she was always the most cautious of my friends since Edward's departure.
"It was awesome—I'm sorry you couldn't join us." I grinned in encouragement.
"I heard it was pretty scary," MaKayla amended.
"Nothing scares, Beau," Jess added with a smile. Those who were listening seemed to laugh.
As the bell rang, we all left the table to leave. Jessica walked ahead of us, texting her boyfriend, Luke, all the way. Angela nudged me with her shoulder as we made our way through the crowded hall.
"How are you today?" she asked, her voice soft with knowing. She looked at me with concern, but not the offensive, maybe-he's-not-fully-lost-it kind. "Are you okay?"
And that was why I'd picked Jessica over Angela as my comfort "go-to," Angela was too perceptive. Almost as perceptive as I.
"Not completely," I admitted. "But I'm a little bit better."
"I'm glad," she said. "I've missed you," she said, "the real you," she added knowingly.
I sighed as I took my seat in our shared class. It was like I was starting all over again.
"What's today's date?" I wondered suddenly.
"It's Monday, March thirteenth."
"Hmm." My heart sunk, all good mood gone.
"What is it?" Angela asked.
"It was a year ago yesterday that I…that I fully embraced my move here," I mused.
"Nothing's changed much," Angela muttered, looking after Lauren and Jessica.
"I know, I agreed I was just thinking the same thing."
I was stunned. Neither of them knowing that it was a year-and-one-day ago today, had been that Edward took me to our—his meadow. A year ago that the lion had officially fallen for a stupid lamb.
A year ago that felt as though it had been an entirety.
