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Part II
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There are many reasons why Mary Anne cannot break up with her boyfriend.
This is evident as they walk down the dull corridors of their school, hand in hand. This is can be seen by the numerous teachers and students who recognize them only as an entity. This is apparent as they whisper, heads close, in homeroom. This is obvious as they give their customary good-bye hug outside her period one class.
Later tonight, Sharon will give the phone to Mary Anne with a knowing smile. Later in the week, her father will open the door and not give a lecture. Later in the month their friends will make sure they get seats next to another in the theater. Later in the year it will their sixteenth month anniversary.
Logan Bruno and Mary Anne have the perfect relationship. Everyone is glad for them. They do not have to hide their feelings. He places red roses in her locker; she attends every one of his games. They are seen together at every dance and party. They are best friends. They are in love. They can never break up.
Mary Anne knows she should be the happiest girl in Connecticut.
Instead she feels suffocated.
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Mary Anne has been procrastinating. It is her favorite pastime. Her English paper on romanticism is due in two days and she has not started.
Stacey McGill spent the whole weekend partying and shopping for the latest fashions in New York City. She has not done her paper either.
Stacey envies Mary Anne's commitment. Mary Anne envies Stacey's freedom. Neither would ever admit this.
They meet in the library during a rainy lunchtime. Mary Anne has an extra scarf on. She is feeling blank. Her boyfriend is at training.
"You're looking pale," Stacey announces. She sits herself opposite Mary Anne. Her dark blue eyes peer. "When was the last time you slept?"
Mary Anne does not answer. Stacey is never one to make the moment awkward. These past few years with a new crowd have rendered her vapid and self-absorbed.
In any case, Stacey does not notice nor care about her lack of response.
"Claudia, don't you think Mary Anne looks pale?" she gestures flamboyantly. Half a dozen expensive silver bracelets rattle over a bony wrist.
Claudia Kishi is Stacey's best friend. She is also there, sketching on the desk absentmindedly. Claudia cannot make an excuse to not keep Stacey company. She gives Mary Anne a sympathetic look.
Mary Anne hates pity.
"Actually no," Stacey pauses, "You look haggard. Are you stressed? I know I am. I have so much homework, it isn't funny. But holidays start soon. Mom said I could have a pre Christmas party. Not too many people, but you know. You have to come. You haven't been to any of my parties. But maybe don't tell Kristy because-"
"Stacey!" Claudia's reaction is mandatory. It is too fake. She might as well be announcing the library is on fire.
"Oh okay. I'll stop being such a bitch," Stacey rolls her eyes. For some reason Mary Anne cannot hate her.
She tries to offer a smile. It turns out as a grimace. Mary Anne hides this by disappearing behind a book about William Blake.
"Oh this blows," Stacey closes her pink file. There is a collage of photographs of her and her friends pasted on the cover. Mary Anne is surprised to see one of her. "I'll do it tonight."
"Don't you have date?" Claudia asks.
"With Evan, no," Stacey sounds distant. She is trying to avoid the question. Mary Anne can always tell. Stacey directs her attention to her. "Well it was nice speaking to you. Tell Logan I said hello."
She and Claudia gather up their things. Claudia has to momentarily disappear behind a stack of shelves, as the deputy principal walks in. She is trying to avoid a uniform pass.
Mary Anne wonders whether Stacey is sympathetic or just plain stupid.
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Mary Anne knows she is tired, pale and haggard. She can feel in her bones. She can see it everyday in front of the mirror.
She secretly celebrates the fact that she is finally looking the way she feels inside. She likes how someone has noticed. She thinks it is a sign.
Mary Anne knows the cause of her problems. These past few months the worries have been compiling. The burden is slowly decaying her. She feels as if she is balancing on the edge of a steep cliff, peering down uncertainly at a black ocean. She has also been planning this day for weeks, balancing the reasons and repercussions. She has been trying to build the courage.
Mary Anne has not been doing a satisfactory job of this.
It is after school. Mr and Mrs. Bruno are not at home. Mary Anne wishes this were a baby-sitting job but Kerry and Hunter are nowhere in sight. She is not thirteen anymore.
Mary Anne is fidgety. She does not want to do homework, eat, watch a movie or make out. She does not know how to approach this. She has only done this once before.
Finally her boyfriend asks, with a touch of impatience, "What's wrong?"
Mary Anne is very nervous. This is her cue. "Logan, I think-"
"Yes?" Logan's eyes are big and worried. He can tell something is wrong. He moves to the edge of the sofa, and places a hand over her shaky one. Their promise rings fit against one another. She feels bad. She feels guilty. She is worthless. She cannot do this…
"I don't think this is working out."
The words slip out. It is the worst time for her lips to become unstuck. She hadn't meant to say them, no, she hadn't.
Logan stares.
Mary Anne knows she has made a huge mistake
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