Once the rain finally let up, the four very bedraggled companions made their way across the badlands. The water dried up fairly quickly, and with no real way to carry it, they were soon hot, thirsty, hungry, and generally irritable.
"You know, I wouldn't have to be here if it wasn't for you, you stupid NEET!" Aqua snapped as she staggered along beside Kazuma's mech. He was currently giving Chris a ride, more out of apology for the incident the previous day, and the fact that she'd lost her power armor.
"Oh will you shut up? You're the one who built my mech out of tinfoil and milk cartons, and you brought us here on a ship that was nothing but a glorified pleasure barge!" Kazuma snapped, his skin already burning under the merciless sun.
"I could have been aboard the ship, eating a nice breakfast AND lunch!" Megumin muttered. "But you just HAD to kidnap me! None of this would have happened if you'd let us take you into port like we were supposed to!"
"Forgive me if I'm not overly infatuated with the idea of being sold into slavery!" Kazuma told her. He turned to Chris, who was leaning out of the mech, watching as the terrain trundled by. "Don't you have something to complain about?"
"Huh?" Chris looked up, the tips of her ears already going red from sunburn, along with her nose. She'd begged Kazuma's shirt off of him, and had wrapped it around her head to give her a little shade, as she'd lost her jacket along with everything but her shirt and jeans in the flood that had come out of nowhere. "Oh, no. I'm having fun! At least we're out of doors. Think I could have a go at piloting this thing?"
"I told you, I made it for Kazuma, no one else can pilot it!" Aqua snapped. "We'll make you a mech later when I have some materials! Even I can't make a mecha out of rocks and sagebrush!"
"Fun, is this!? Why don't you let me ride, and see how your feet feel after a couple hours of walking!" Megumin snapped.
"I dunno, I was thinking of selling you into slavery," Chris said, giving Megumin a smug grin. Then she let out a squawk, as Aqua reached out and pulled her out of the mecha.
"My turn! My feet hurt! I'm not used to so much walking! Move over, Kazuma, I want to be comfortable!"
"Hey! You're the one who conjured up a flood!" Chris argued, getting back to her feet. "If it wasn't for you, I could be walking along in my power armor!"
They bickered for two more hours, until at last, they came upon a settlement, built near a river where a few trees grew. It was actually flowing at the moment, though Kazuma had a sneaking suspicion that this wasn't normally the case.
All four of them scrambled down to the riverbank, with Kazuma jumping out of his mecha to dip his lips down to the water. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the mech leaning down to cup water in its hands and put it to its mouth, but when he turned his head, it was just standing there.
"Well, well, well, three new bodies, dragging themselves out of the desert!" Kazuma looked up to see a man who was bare chested, save for a pair of pink suspenders that connected to pauldrons on his shoulders, standing up the riverbank a bit and laughing. "You might think you've been saved, but the place you've really arrived is the Gates of Hell themselves! Enjoy that drink, it's the last free refreshment you'll get!"
"Well at least we know where we are," Megumin said, standing up and wiping the muddy water away from her mouth.
"Great. Can you call for a pickup and get yourself out of our hair?" Kazuma asked, splashing water over his face and scrubbing it. Now that he smelled it…it seemed a little funny.
Megumin coughed and looked away. "Actually…if I go back to the ship…I'll be in big trouble still…nothing but swabbing the deck and helping in the galley. So….could I stay with you? Maybe…get a mech of my own?"
"Sure, if you can give me some good materials!" Aqua agreed. She swirled her finger in the water, making a face. "Man, this is really foul. Why's it stink so bad?"
"That would be the space longhorns just up the bend," the stranger said, jerking his chin.
Everyone's heads turned in that direction, and now that Kazuma listened, he heard the distant sound of mooing…and a cow plop floating past on the surface.
Immediately, everyone started retching horribly at the side of the river. Aqua hastily purified a wide area of the river, saying she was using "nanotech" to do so, and had everyone drink the clean, less smelly water.
That didn't save Megumin and Kazuma from a horrific bout of space dysentery, which put them both out of commission for three days. Kazuma was pretty out of it during that time, doing not much but having the runs and vomiting. Somehow, he didn't die, and whenever he came too, either Chris or Aqua was cradling his head in their lap, forcing him to sip at some soup or cool tea, and stroking his hair.
"T-thanks," Kazuma muttered to Aqua, who smiled at him gently. "M-more than my own parents ever did for me…"
It was true. His mother had never done much for him aside from dose him with something and drop him off at the doctor's while she went to get a manicure. He'd had perfect attendance for most of his school career, because even if he was at death's doorstep, he still had to go to school.
"I healed you again, and gave you extra electrolytes. My, um, nanomachines aren't as good at diseases caused by living creatures…but they've helped a little. You'll survive."
Kazuma passed out again, and when he woke up, he felt better. He found Chris at his side, looking worried and with dark circles under her eyes. Still, she managed to smile. "Hey there, Ace. How you feeling?"
"Like I died, and this is hell," Kazuma croaked, his throat raw and scratchy. He made a face, looking down at the rags covering him. He'd fouled himself, as people with dysentery are wont to do.
"Don't sweat it, Ace. Come on, let's get you cleaned up. Even I've gotten sick on campaign before," Chris told him, and helped Kazuma stumble to his feet. They appeared to be in a barn, with bales of hay and stalls for the animals. There was a trough, which Chris helped Kazuma strip at and clean himself, limiting herself to only a giggle when Kazuma tried to hide his nudity.
"Relax, Ace. I've fully evaluated your equipment. It's nothing to be ashamed of. We're comrades in arms, so buck up and let me hose you off."
"It's not, um…" Kazuma couldn't bring himself to say "small" but it was definitely in his mind.
Chris shook her head as she took a bucket and handed Kazuma a sponge to clean himself off. "You know, I've met a lot of alien species. Fun fact: on Earth, Humans have the biggest organ by ratio for any primate. Turns out it holds true in space too."
That made Kazuma stand up straight and proud, though only in one direction. Even with a cute girl helping clean him off, he was too weak and disgusted with himself for anything else.
Something occurred to Kazuma as Chris helped him back to his hay bale to sleep, and he stopped in the middle of the stables. "Hey…how come you and Aqua didn't get sick?"
"We've had all our shots," Chris said breezily. "Should have gotten you a full regimen before you were shot off into the space boonies, I suppose."
"You don't have to put space in front of every word as a descriptor. I get it: this is a space barn, those are space longhorns-"
"Actually, that one's a space holsteen: she gives milk," Chris said helpfully, nodding to a black and white extraterrestrial bovine that had two incongruous antennae poking out of its forehead in addition to the sheared off horns.
"Whatever," Kazuma grumbled, and allowed himself to be lowered back onto his hay bale. He took stock of Chris, then blinked. She wasn't dressed in a baggy uniform, but rather a cute maid uniform, complete with that white frilly hat thing and a now somewhat soiled apron.
Seeing his glance, Chris frowned and glared at him. "I had to get a part time job, OK!? The saloon here pays more if you cosplay. Besides, it's hard for people to notice when I palm cards when I dress up like this."
"Er, yeah, OK," Kazuma agreed, groaning as he settled back down. He glanced over to the other side, where Megumin was snoring in her own bed of straw. "Is she OK? I mean, she is a pirate, but…"
"She'll be fine, Crimson Demons are tough little buggers," Chris said. "Now go back to sleep. As soon as you're healthy, you're getting a damn job too."
Kazuma did his very best to not recover completely, but unfortunately after the fourth day Aqua declared him "fit for duty!"
Her part time job appeared to be as a mechanic for the auto shop, which involved her fixing various farming mecha. Apparently, the crops grown here were likely to pick themselves and attack you, so if your combine wasn't sufficiently well armed and armored, that could cause problems.
So, once Kazuma and Megumin were healthy again, they found themselves put out to pasture to find a job.
"I refuse to work at a maid cafe!" Megumin declared, crossing her arms over her chest. "I will not be ogled by dirtlubbers and yokels! I decided to stay here for adventure, not to be a menial!"
"How good are you with a wrench?" Aqua asked, wiping grease stained hands on her leather apron. "We could use an extra hand or two at the shop! The boss gave me a promotion just the other day, so you can be my apprentice!"
"I, er, I'm…not allowed to work on mechanics," Megumin said, scuffing the floor with her boot. "Not after…the incident…"
"Well that doesn't sound ominous. Can I get a job at the saloon? I'm a bit of a card shark," Kazuma offered.
"They only hire cute girls, so unless you're willing to let me and Aqua put you in drag…" Chris said, winking mischievously.
"Pass! And, well, I never took shop, so I don't know anything about engines. I can build a PC though," Kazuma said, rubbing his chin.
"Well, you have my mech, and I know just the job for both you and Megumin!" Aqua said brightly. "They're always hiring, and the pay isn't bad!"
And that was how Kazuma found himself wearing a straw hat in the middle of a field of corn, using his mecha to haul wagons of cow manure as fertilizer.
"This is ridiculous! I signed up for an epic space adventure, not my life as a part timer! I could have just stayed home, and not gotten a sunburn while I was at it!" Kazuma ranted.
"Hmph. I at least had an interesting life as a Space Pirate. Now I'm stuck driving this hunk of junk," Megumin said over the radio as she drove by in her harvester mecha.
It had a basket on the back, along with a saw blade on one arm and a vacuum of sorts on the other. As she talked, she casually swiped her sawblade at three young corn that had detached themselves from their stalk and launched themselves at her. She managed to dispatch the vegetables before they could batter themselves against her mecha. Then she sucked up the corn, which traveled up a hose and into her basket.
"At least you don't have to haul around a bunch of shit," Kazuma muttered.
"Could be worse. Could be pig," Megumin sniggered, making a face at Kazuma through the transparent canopy of her mecha.
"Ooo, you little! Ugh. At least if we save up enough we can buy a proper mecha," Kazuma grumbled.
Megumin's combine was, unfortunately, a rental piece. Supposedly they could earn way more with the mecha than just harvesting by hand. Aqua promised that after a week or two, they'd be able to afford enough spare parts for her to use the junk at her job to build another proper mecha. Currently, Chris and Megumin were both competing to get their own custom mechs, though Kazuma still wanted his upgrade to be a little more exciting. All that his could do was trundle around.
And fuse! But he had a feeling Megumin would take it wrong if he just combined with her mecha out of the blue.
The morning went by smoothly enough, with Kazuma fertilizing the field as Megumin picked off the ripe corn. They knocked off at noon and had lunch under a tree by the river bank, which was now dry once more. Chris had packed them something from her work, which turned out to be cornbread with bacon and fried okra. It was fairly delicious, and they washed it down with weak beer. None of them were risking drinking the local water.
"You know, if it was all like this, I wouldn't mind so much," Kazuma mused, taking a bite of his bacon.
"Why? You like getting a sunburn?" Megumin asked, frowning and touching her nose, which was burnt bright red.
"No, like…I didn't get to hang out with people much, you know? I mean, you did kidnap me and all, but…you're alright," Kazuma said, giving Megumin a lopsided smile.
To his surprise, she smiled back. "I suppose some outdoor labor can be edifying, and this is more fun than swabbing decks, even if corn is a weak opponent. I just wish something more interesting would happen."
"Don't say that! You'll trip a flag!" Kazuma warned.
"Pff. This is a podunk town in the middle of nowhere! The local Adventure Insurance Corp branch doesn't even have any active contracts! Just what do you THINK is going to happen?" Megumin demanded.
Just then, the ground rumbled.
"That's it! I take it back! You're the worst! Here you go, saying things like that! Don't you know that it's a surefire way to get attacked by remarking how boring life is?!" Kazuma growled, grabbing Megumin's head and rubbing his knuckles viciously against her scalp.
"Ow! Ow! Stop! It's probably just the cattle drive!" Megumin wailed.
A few moments later, they could see a dust cloud kicking up, and heard the lowing of panicked longhorns.
"Yeah, but what panicked them, huh?!" Kazuma demanded.
"SCREEEEEE!"
The sun was suddenly darkened, as giant, dark shapes began to circle overhead, thunder rumbling in the distance.
"Thunderbirds!? What are they doing?!" Megumin gasped. "They should be on the other side of the continent. They don't visit this part of the moon until the rainy season!"
"Well, then it's TOO DAMN BAD someone summoned up a huge storm last week that threw the weather out of whack!" Kazuma raged as he scrambled for his mecha. "Come on, let's hoof it!"
"No! If they destroy the corn, we'll never get paid, and I'll never get my beautiful Chunchumaru MK III built!" Megumin protested.
"I don't see how that's-"
"Plus, you cosigned on my mecha's rental, so if it gets wrecked, you'll be deeply in debt too!" Megumin pointed out. "You have to help me fight!"
"GODDAMMIT I KNEW I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SIGNED FOR YOU!" Kazuma raged, jumping into his mecha as Megumin climbed into hers.
"Right, utilize your mecha's abilities to amplify mine, and I shall lay waste to these overgrown chickens!" Megumin said, even as a thunderbird landed and began to peck at the corn they'd harvested, eating up half a bushel in a go.
"Oh, be careful what you wish for!" Kazuma cried, and slammed the weird button at the center of his console as he jumped his mecha at Megumin's.
Once more, that was that twisting and warm sensation, and then Kazuma found himself standing upright in a cockpit at least half again as far off the ground as Megumin's had been, with something pressing up against his groin.
"What are you doing, Pervzuma!?" Megumin squawked, twisting around to glare at Kazuma. Once more, the controls were on the co-pilot's posterior, with her bent over in front of Kazuma. This time, there was a little more room, but that didn't change how awkward the positioning was.
"Hey, you asked for it," Kazuma said, taking a moment to access his systems. He noted that he still had a buzzsaw on one arm, though now it had three blades, and was far larger. The other looked like it could be a cannon, and he absently said aloud, "What the heck kind of gear do we have?"
"We have a tri-buzz rotator cannon on our right, though our ammunition is limited to only six shots," Megumin responded instantly. "We also have a dual purpose suck/blow vacuum cannon, though you will need to acquire something to- how do I know this!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?"
"I assume the answer is nano machines," Kazuma said, resting his hands on the controls. "Get ready!"
"No, I refuse! I should be the pilot! I am Megumin, Foremost Genius of- WAAAAAAA!"
Hitting the gas, Kazuma barreled his combine forward towards the thunderbird. The creature in question was black on the back, with a yellow under belly, wicked talons like those of a raptor, and a bright orange beak with a black lightning bolt pattern down it. It squawked at the charging mecha, and flapped its wings twice. Once to lift off, and then again, so fast Kazuma couldn't see them. He did both hear and feel the peel of thunder as it rang against the mecha, causing him to stagger.
"YOU MORON! That's a thunderbird! If you attack it, it will flap its wings to fire off a thunderblast! That just did minor damage, but it HURT! If we were closer, it could damage interior systems!" Megumin ranted.
"Cool. Well, I have another idea. That bird's hungry. Let's feed it!" Kazuma extended his vacuum to the nearby stalks of corn, and sucked up several ears. Then he pointed it at the thunderbird, and fired.
"COOOOORRRRNNN!" the angry produce ranted, suddenly growing in size as they exited the cannon.
The thunderbird had time for a panicked squawk, before it was pile driven into the ground by half a dozen corn grown to the size of NFL linebackers, who proceeded to batter the bird senseless.
"Man, remind me to tell the next vegetarian I meet that they're pretty hardcore," Kazuma muttered, shaking his head.
"Pay attention, dummy! There's four more thunderbirds landing!" Megumin shouted. "Don't wreck the rental!"
"CRAP!" Kazuma gasped, dodging out of the way as several more claps of thunder leveled where his mecha had been standing in the cornfield. He fired off two saw blades at one thunderbird, and it was chopped to bloody bits. The other three dove at him, two striking his mecha with their talons, which made Megumin scream in pain.
"Ahhh! Kazuma, I can FEEL that! Make them stop!" Megumin wailed.
"I'm TRYING!" Kazuma gasped, and swung his buzzsaw up in time to shear off the wing of another thunderbird. He stomped on its head, and felt the skull crack underneath his boot.
He spun just in time to take a blast of sound to his chest, sending the mecha pinwheeling through the cornfield as Megumin cried out.
"I'm sorry, I'm stopping it!" Kazuma growled, and sucked up what was closest.
In this case, it turned out to be an overturned wagon of cow plots. He sent a stream of smelly filth at the thunderbirds, which squawked in outrage, then plummeted to earth, er, moon, unable to fly with the smelly coating. Kazuma dispatched them both with a swipe of his sawblades, then looked around in satisfaction.
"Well, that wasn't so bad. Status?"
"Actuators are damaged, cannon is jammed, and I have a headache, you jerk!" Megumin spat. "I could TASTE that stuff, thank you! Ugh, get me a toothbrush right away!"
"Yeah, yeah. Let's stay merged for a bit, make sure those things are gone," Kazuma said.
"You just enjoy having me in this position, pervert," Megumin grumbled.
"So what if I do? You asked for it, and a young man of my age has needs!"
"What you need is a swift kick in the balls!"
"Hey, I just saved your life, and this job!" Kazuma protested.
Megumin called into question the "saving my life" bit, and half an hour later, their boss tore apart the job part.
"Look at this field! It's RUINED!" the farmer wailed, pulling his hair out of his head. "You destroyed most of my crops!"
"Hey pal, if it wasn't for us, that flock of hungry pests would have eaten all your corn! We SAVED your crop! You owe us!" Kazuma argued.
"He is correct! Without my genius piloting skills and swift action, these poor kernels would have been consumed, with nought for you but tears!" Megumin declared.
"Just…ugh! Here! Half pay! NOW GET OUT!" the farmer ordered.
Reluctantly, Kazuma and Megumin accepted their reduced wages, mostly because they'd only ended up working half the day anyway. However, that wasn't the end of the fun.
"This combine is DESTROYED!" the rental agent wept. "And it's full of COW DUNG! What possessed you to suck THAT up! We'll be cleaning it for weeks!"
"Hey, my friend is a pretty good mechanic, she could probably fix it," Kazuma suggested.
"How?! Just LOOK at it!" the agent said, and pointed. Indeed, the mecha had not fared well post-fusion, with one leg frozen up, and the saw blade now missing. And, you know, the vacuum was now clogged with road apples. Kazuma had needed to tow it in with his own mecha, which seemed to be unharmed.
"I'm charging you for the whole thing!" the man raged. "You owe me 100 million eris!"
"WHAT?!" Megumin exploded. "There is NO WAY that thing was worth that much even BEFORE it was wrecked! If we buy it off you, we're paying FAIR PRICE!"
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S INSURED FOR!" the man said.
"Wait pal. Hold up. You've got insurance on this?" Kazuma asked, pointing a thumb at the ravaged mecha.
"Yes, yes," the agent said, running his hand through his hair. "But our stock is low, and it will be ages to get a replacement and-"
"Hey. I know how you can get the insurance payout…and sell us that thing. 100 mil is too much though. We can give you 1 million. But you have to sell it to us for 10,000," Kazuma said.
"WHAT?! That's ridiculous, how could I do that!?"
"See, you sell it to me, then I have my friend fix it up. You tell the insurance company it was destroyed by thunderbirds. Which it was. Then, I use the mecha to go out and complete some contracts, make a few bucks. We'll pay you in weekly installments of 10,000. Be paid off in no time," Kazuma explained.
"Well, I-"
Megumin put her arm around the man, though she had to stand on her tippy toes to do it. "Listen, I'm a Crimson Pirate. Surely you have heard the legend of our combat prowess. Does not the town already whisper of how using a mere farming mecha, I slaughtered a dozen thunderbirds?"
"But it was only five-"
"At least a dozen. Perhaps more," Kazuma said, nodding.
"Yes, so, you see, you sell us the mecha, and we promise to tell others that it was you who launched our legend, Sir…" Megumin paused, obviously not certain of the man's name.
"Charlie," Kazuma said, reading it off the man's license in his wallet.
"Sir Charles. Think! You could have the Crimson Pirate Clan as an ally…or an enemy? Which would you prefer?" Megumin asked, her eyes glowing ominous.
"I'd prefer not to deal with you wackos at all," Charlie muttered, which made Megumin peel her lips back in a snarl. But then Charlie sighed. "Fine! I suppose a little insurance fraud never hurt anyone…"
And so, for the price of their combined days wages, Kazuma and Megumin secured a mecha, well, more of a tractor and one slightly worse for wear, but the point was they wouldn't have to just pick vegetables anymore.
They went to the saloon with Chris, who had changed out of her work uniform and into shorts and a tube top, while Aqua had cleaned up a bit and was wearing a full cowgirl outfit, complete with bright sparkly pink boots, and a blue hat.
"Nice work! I'll get the mecha fixed up straight away!" Aqua laughed. "Now, who to give it to…"
"I bought it, it's mine!" Megumin argued. "I demand you create a mecha with a sufficiently large wave motion gun, one that can level a mountain or kaiju with ease!"
"Make something a little more practical. With speed and agility, maybe a few stand off lasers," Chris said.
"No! I paid for it, I demand-"
Megumin and Chris fell into arguing, while Kazuma brought himself and Aqua a beer. "Cheers."
"Thanks, best buddy!" Aqua said, smiling and raising her glass. "This isn't so bad, is it?"
"Nope, not bad at all," Kazuma agreed. "Things are looking up!"
Just then, the saloon's doors slammed open. A tall, imposing figure in power armor stepped inside, their boots slamming down on the stained wooden floor.
"I seek the one called Kazuma Sato," the figure in armor growled. "Charges have been laid that he has sexually assaulted two women, and is now attempting a vile case of insurance fraud."
Everyone in the saloon turned to look at Kazuma, while his party members hid under their table.
"You're all assholes!" Kazuma swore, and looked for an exit.
