A/N: Okay, no big action in this chapter, but I still enjoyed writing it. Smidgen of whump involved, so enjoy.
17
Corporal Sanders would be fine. The blood loss had Carson worried for a moment, but the kid's blood type was a common one, and his remaining awake and coherent had stemmed most of Carson's concern. Sanders managed to reiterate what happened off world before being prepped for surgery, and on finishing was wheeled away with assurances that he would be fine, and probably live to the ripe old age of having to endure being called Colonel Sanders.
Relief was short lived when it came down to having to deal with the matter at hand. Elizabeth called an emergency conference with everyone present say for Colonel Caldwell who'd departed back to earth yesterday on a supply run. Even Kace was present, and metaphorically speaking the guest of honor of this get together.
Elizabeth filled those not present at Sanders' sudden return on the situation, keeping it short and to the point.
" We need ideas, people," she said by way of ending the little terror tale. " Ideas centered around getting our people back without giving those bastards what they want." Uncharacteristic, yes, but Elizabeth didn't care. Her nerves were humming with controlled fury that had her mind wandering to images of herself beating the snot out of Harl, which in turn caused Kace to lighten up in a never-ending smirk of amusement. She was pissed beyond comprehension that these people would have the audacity to threaten so many just to reclaim a man they'd nearly killed with their brutality.
Like hell she would let them get away with it, and like hell she was going to let them think they could get their hands back on John for more of the same.
Glancing at John, he appeared calm. Not the laid back relaxed calm of the nonchalant, but the calm of one with the training to keep his emotions in check during bad situations. No fear, not even minor trepidation; just all business, absorbing info and assimilating it to use as the formula in forming plans. Every time Elizabeth looked at John, and eye contact was established, it was a meaningful look she hoped conveyed her unwavering stand that under no circumstances were they going to give John up to these creeps. She had yet to know if the look had any impact.
Elizabeth looked to Kace, ready to ask him if he remembered the layout of Harl's home, and to ask for input concerning security. She was thinking, to her own surprise, strictly in military terms of search and rescue. When Kace beat her to the punch before she could speak, what he said had her starting in alarm, and abashed that she hadn't thought on such terms sooner.
" Two words, Doc. Weir – Chief Commander."
Elizabeth's brow creased. " Excuse me?"
" Go speak with the chief Commander. He's sort of like..." he snapped his fingers a couple of times, then brightened, pointing at Elizabeth. " You, the leader, the supreme boss, the world-wide master. Plus I think supreme boss has a problem with his judgeship Harl."
Elizabeth felt her hopes rising in inches each time Kace spoke. " How so?"
Kace scratched the back of his neck thoughtfully before speaking. " Well – and mind you though I've gotten a good amount of glimpses into Harl's head, I've never been given the chance for a good sweep – the man's been scrounging up some pretty hefty plans against Chief Commander. From the bits I've gathered, it has something to do with Chief Commandership not liking chief Judgeship's status in riches and his lack of status in being an effective judge. In other words, there seems to be a chance Harl won't be a judge for much longer. Harl, however, isn't happy about it and has been looking for a way to keep that from happening. I think it may have started out as Harl wanting to impress Commander with a few of those gizmos only Shep can light up. But from what I skimmed when I was around the man, recent thoughts involved Harl going on and on about no longer wanting to impress Chief Commander, but wanting to get him out of the way for good – or something like that."
" You mean take over his position," John said.
" Sounded like it. All that plotting and planning I've told you about involved nothing but usurpation and possible ways of doing it without getting caught and killed..." Kace trailed off with his mouth hanging open, then snapped it close and shrugged. " I don't know. Harl's emotions were always two – fear and fury. Oh, and it was like he was always in a rush. He always had this tension like he was in a hurry, which always had him focused on the now, and which is probably why I couldn't get more from him. And why – you know – he did what he did to you Shep. It was like now or never for him."
Elizabeth nodded, hope sky high now. " Good, then we have plenty to use against him, starting with with a visit to this Chief Commander."
" It might not be all that easy, ma'am," Lorne said. " Even if this commander guy has something against the judge guy, if he's a 'strictly by the book' kind of leader, he may want proof to our accusations."
Elizabeth looked to Kace but said nothing.
Kace shook his head. " Never met the man. But it's a good possibility that – uh..." he trailed, looking to the table, then turning his head ever so slightly sideways. " You're going to need to present something as evidence."
Elizabeth moved her own eyes in the direction Kace was looking, and immediately shook her head.
" No, too risky..."
Rodney, who'd managed to remain quite the entire time, snapped his head back and forth between Kace and Elizabeth. " What? What's too risky? What're you taking about?"
John, also quiet and continuing in his calm, looked in Rodney's direction. " Think about it carefully, McKay."
McKay squinted. " What, you? You going back...? Oh hell no, too risky."
" Not if we were careful about it," John countered. " We go in by cloaked Jumper, set down near this chief Commander guy's place, and keep my face hidden from the rest of the world as we skip from point A outside to point B inside. Actually, we should bring two Jumpers in case things try to go south. We have the technical advantage here, and if this Commander's a hell of a lot smarter than Harl, he'll know better than to do something that'll have the equivalent of messing with the already pissed off rattle snake."
Elizabeth knew she should have roped in her hope, and now suffered the heart sinker of having it shattered like a dropped vase. But it was momentary when she realized Sheppard's continuing calm as he talked about going back to the world that had put him through hell as though it were just another planet to explore.
" Y-you're willing... to do this? Go back? Just like that?"
John's gaze darkened unnervingly, shockingly, his apparent anger cold and calculating. " Yes, just like that. They have our people, we need to get them back, and right now going to the Chief Commander is the most effective and non-violent way to do so, which is what I know you want, though personally I'd love a plan that involved me being able to put a gun to Harl's head long enough for him to wet his pants. But I'll survive the lack of revenge. I just want to get our people back, and I'll do what it takes to bring 'em home."
Elizabeth gaped at his conviction, trying not to smile and tear up at seeing the completed display of the old John Sheppard.
" Fine," she said. " And since you seem quite confident that you can be kept safe, I'm also going to volunteer in this endeavor as negotiator."
Finally, a new reaction from John, one of alarm that had him sitting straighter and opening his mouth to say something. Elizabeth held up her hand.
" Don't even try it, John. You know good and well I'm the best to handle it." She then looked back at Kace. " I would like if you could come with us since we could use your talents. However, I will not force it on you if you don't wish to go. You've already done enough for us and are under no obligation..."
Kace smirked. " Oh I'll go. Can't pass up the opportunity to see the look on Harl's face when Commander gets a hold of him."
Elizabeth smiled, and hope made its triumphant return. She moved her gaze back to John.
" And you're sure about this, John? Going back?"
John nodded. " It's cool." Then grinned. " Heightmeyer probably would have had me going back eventually in some therapy session anyways. This is a psychologist's dream for their patient, isn't it? Go back to the hell hole and face your fear kind of thing. And if the crap Harl did to me gets him tossed in a hole of his own, then it'll be worth it."
SGA
The plan was finalized, and the meeting was dismissed for the preparations to get under way. John was the first out, maintaining the casual while at the same time taking long strides in the direction of his quarters. He heard his name being called in the high, irritated voice of McKay, but pretended not to hear.
The closer he came to his quarters, the more his pace picked up until he was running the last couple of yards. He rushed into his room without bothering to think the door closed, and darted into the bathroom to drop to his knees before the toilet, doubling up and heaving in a strangled croak that became a liquid gurgle when the vomit came splashing out. He heaved and heaved, stomach contents flowing from him like rain water from a spout.
" You're good."
A lull in the heaving allowed John to turn his head from the toilet to see Kace leaning against the door with his hands in the pockets of his coat.
" Didn't know there were skill levels when it came to losing my lunch." He sighed, and went back to being face down in the toilet just as a lesser stream of burning bile wormed from his straining throat. Spitting chunks made him shudder, and incited a disgust that prepped his stomach for round two.
" You'd be surprised to know that there is, but that's not what I'm talking about. I was talking about that talented display of self-control I witnessed back there. Beautifully done I gotta say."
John closed his eyes and inhaled through his mouth. " Kind of a given you'd call my bluff. But do really feel you have to rub it in?"
" Who's rubbing anything in? I was genuinely impressed. Probably more impressed that you meant every word you said except for the last bit, and that you held out as long as you did. Plus I thought I'd warn you that Doc McKay's pacing a hole in the floor outside your door. If you need a moment, I can distract him for you. But – if you want my advice – I'd say now's a good time to let him in."
John gagged with nothing to show for it. The involuntary use of upper-body muscles reawakened old pains, and left John shaking and sweat-drenched. " Why now?"
Kace didn't say anything, just smirked. He left, and within seconds McKay stormed in, halting abruptly at the threshold to stand their dumbly and blink.
" What the hell's wrong with you?" he snapped, eyeing John carefully. John pushed himself away from the toilet on trembling arms.
" Reality and it's wicked right hook," John said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. " That's what's wrong with me."
The initial anger that would have launched McKay into one heck of a tirade wavered, slacking then rising as the physicist fought to hold onto it. But rather than give into a softening of expression, Rodney adopted an expression of mild skepticism coupled with a kind of 'I thought as much' look.
" So," he said. " It's cool then, huh?"
John wanted to get up, to speed-walk out of the bathroom, brush McKay and the matter aside, maybe even bolt out of the room before anything more could be said. Except the moment he did, McKay would rat him out to both Beckett and Elizabeth, and a new plan would have to be formed when Beckett slapped his disapproval stamp on John's involvement in the mission.
Besides, John had no energy left to maintain the most difficult facade of his life, let alone to get to his feet. He moved to drop back against the wall between the toilet and the door, keeping the toilet within lurching range for the next vomit bout he felt churning in his gut.
" Nope. It's necessity."
" Says who?"
John leaned forward to pull up the back of his shirt as far as he could get it. " Says this."
A moment of silence, then; " Actually, that seems more of an incentive not to go back."
John smiled tightly and snorted out a bitter laugh, releasing his hold on his shirt and easing back against the wall. " Oh, it is, McKay, believe me."
John heard Rodney finish his entrance into the bathroom, and watched as he moved in front of John, lowering himself to the floor with a grunt, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms loosely around them. Again they were hit with a moment of silence that was very un-McKay, but John could see through the man's eyes the gears of the mind grinding away. Those same blue eyes darted and flitted over John's person, reading him in return. McKay had been caught off guard by John's display of his true feelings concerning this mission, and had been forced to reassess. John would have liked to have felt smug satisfaction that he'd stumped Rodney, but positive feelings were like matches without fuel, and flickering out the moment they lit.
Rodney opened his mouth, seemed to think better or realize something, then snapped it shut. John was startled – he really had sent McKay for a loop.
" Are you..." McKay began after another drawn out moment of being muted, " trying to prove something?"
John chuckled such a dry and sardonic laugh that there seemed no point to having laughed at all, so he ended it abruptly. " Necessity, McKay. I'm proof, I'm a witness, so on and so forth, blah ,blah, blah. Though it will be nice to see Harl soaking his own pants if that Commander guy listens to us. Not satisfactory, not all the way, but it'll be enough. What's important is getting our people back, and in truth – honest to goodness scouts honor and cross my heart truth – it's all I care about. That, and turning my back on that world once and for all, knowing I never have to think about it again."
McKay nodded. " Uh-huh. No macho crap then."
John let loose another acerbic chuckle that attempted to morph into a sob when his chest suffered an invisible vice grip, making his heart hammer and his throat tighten. He wanted to melt into the wall, and felt his back start to curve toward a cringe he tried to fight. The cringe he lost to, but at least the sob he cut off before it could escalate.
To his annoyance – and shame – his eyes burned with heated moisture. He quickly wiped them with an unsteady hand.
So much for the attempt. The truth was blatant, so he might as well finish it.
" No... No macho crap." He looked down at his casted arm resting in his lap. " I'm scared to go back, McKay. Honest to goodness, scouts honor scared. I'm terrified that if I do, and something goes wrong, then that's it. I'm back with Harl, back in that cell, getting beaten, getting starved, getting my brain frappeed until everything that's happened this past week becomes nothing but a dream I'll eventually forget."
The tears regrouped, fast, going at a charge until they finally slid down his face. He looked up at Rodney to let him see and let him know. Shame shouted at John, but fear was beating him down, making him doubt, question, drown in second thoughts until he felt the tremors of mild trembling run through him that he couldn't suppress.
But he fought all the same for the smallest granule of self control.
" I – uh..." he swallowed convulsively against a tight throat. Then he shook his head. " That can't happen McKay. I don't want that to happen. I can't go back to that. Whatever else happens... I -I mean I just can't."
His tone was begging, which was fitting enough since he was begging. He would do anything - was doing anything – to save his people. The attitude of leave no one behind was, and would always be, a constant for him. But this time around, for the first and he swore for the last, would he ask for something in return. Just one, small thing.
Fuel aplenty for guilt and shame to join in fear's beating. John looked back down and closed his eyes, feeling so small and pathetic that he wanted to deck himself. He was being selfish, cowardly and selfish...
" H-hey, Colonel... Sheppard... uh, John. I-it's all right. I mean, we would never let that happen, doesn't matter what happens. Do you honestly believe we would?"
John rubbed the side of his aching face. " Not on purpose. But – you know – real life and all, irony, bad luck, all that crap. There's no saying what could go down. And I know there'd be a rescue, because this time you'll know I'm alive. Except Harl'll know you're coming for me, have me moved..." John looked back up at Rodney. " Possibilities, McKay, it's the possibilities that are scaring the hell out of me. I trust you, Weir, the team, Atlantis. I know you wouldn't leave me to that..." John closed his eyes and let his head drop back against the wall. " Life is unpredictable, crap happens, and I've become an official paranoid."
Rodney groaned in frustration. " This isn't more of that 'I'm a coward' crap, is it Colonel? Because it's getting kind of old. You are not Rambo, you are not the Terminator or any other imaginary, blown-out-of-proportions movie figment. You're human, and like all of us non-Kirk mortals, you have breaking points and have officially just reached one. A little something I like to refer to as the 'I've been through enough hell and am not gonna take it any more' reaction that's perfectly natural and to be expected. Which, in turn, does not, not, make – you – a – coward. You got that? You are not a coward for being afraid of something you have every right to be afraid of. I mean, come on! You're going back there, doing your job, saying to hell with Harl if not out loud then deep down enough inside to force yourself back through that gate and back into your nightmare. How the hell does that make you a coward! Huh? Tell me."
John wouldn't have replied even if he had something to say, since five seconds after McKay stopped talking, John's stomach had reached Mount Vesuvius fury and he lurched back over the toilet, heaving his stomach inside out.
" Oh crap! Son of a...! Um..." Rodney stuttered.
Burning liquid seared John's throat, and during the brief respite before the next exhale, John coughed, spitting chunks. It was always the chunk spitting that got the stomach going again, even with nothing left to expunge.
Through the agony of puking which escalated the growing ache in his chest to pain, John felt the weight of a hand on his back, rubbing up and down over his spine with the jerky abashment of one wholly unused to providing any sort of comfort.
" Yeah, um... . Listen, you'll be all right, all right? Seriously, I doubt Harl'll even get a chance to look at you before Ronon whacks his head off. Hell, I'd probably end up blowing the whole planet to atoms before any of us let anything happen to you – and this time... it'll be on purpose. Not that I'd resort to that, I'm just saying..."
That actually got John to smile, and appeased the anger of his stomach enough for him to catch his breath. He chuckled softly.
Rodney sighed, and his hand paused between John's shoulder blades. " It won't come to you ending up stuck there. We won't let it." He then patted Sheppard's back, and rose with creaking joints. " I think I'm getting old. And you really need to do something about being so freakishly bony. It's disturbing." John saw Rodney's hand lower close toward his head, palm out. " You done?"
John waited before answering, then nodded and took Rodney's proffered hand. Rodney pulled John to his feet, catching him by both arms when he stumbled. Once steadied, John looked up to meet Rodney's gaze – his honest to goodness, completely worried gaze with more sympathy than John thought Rodney capable of, seeing as how he usually tried to mask it by now.
" You okay?" Rodney asked next.
John nodded, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. " Yeah. If we can convince Carson to give me something for the gut without him resorting to grounding me from this mission, then I'll be good to go."
Rodney patted his shoulder reassuringly. " With my brain and your knack at being an unpleasant patient, I'm confident we can pull it off."
John smiled. " You're the man, Rodney."
Rodney beamed back, rising his full height with chest puffed out. " I know."
SGA
A/N: Humble thyself Rodney. Pride comes before the fall and all that. Things are about to get dicier with each chapter, so stay tuned.
