Sherby: I know, I know…it's been ages…I've been so unbelievably busy with university work though. I'll try to keep updating as often as I can but this is my first free night in an age! I promise I'll try and keep the updates as regular as possible from now on, but I really am sorry about the wait.
Have fun, see ya at the bottom!
I'd like to point out that I wrote this chapter whilst I was on the train from York to Liverpool, and in that period I managed to choke severely on a drink and make a total show of myself. I was choking and everyone was looking at me and I sorted myself out and went "Good grief! It's been a long weekend" HAHAHA I'm such an embarrassment! I got Lilt all down my front as well! HAHA! Look at what I go through for you guys! (I'd also like to point out that some horrid common people stared at me like hell as I was choking, and looked vaguely amused at my predicament)
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Chapter Three – The Mirror (That's the Way)
The toothbrush moved in and out of his dry mouth. He wet it with some water from a nearby glass. It was warm on his tongue. The bristles moved reluctantly along his fangs as he forced them into submission roughly, crushed them onto the whites of his teeth. They slid along as his mouth became moister, the water gelling with the toothpaste and leaving a crisp, sharp, almost stinging taste. The stiff bristles gave in and moved more gently without struggling. He dominated the battle between himself and the seditious toothbrush – her resistance was no match for his own strength. Once he was satisfied, he coarsely spat out the remainders of the fight, the toothbrush dripping tears into the cold sink as he rinsed his mouth clean. He then washed the toothbrush, demolishing the memory. He left no trace of himself as he left the bathroom.
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"And then I say to you that nothing really matters, but all you do is stand and cry…"
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She hadn't left her room. From the moment Cyborg had covered her shivering modesty with a warm towel she had been painfully aware of the others' gazes upon her body. She had whimpered, and before they could stop her, she had disappeared from Robin's caring arms, transforming into a manipulated black raven, the ghostly apparition she was blessed with, and dropping through the floor. The instant she'd seen her own naked soaked arms, greyer than always, clinging to Robin as though he'd done her some big favour, she'd been unable to stand herself. She ran.
He had watched her slide away into the shadowy form of the raven in his grasp, and as she slid away from them, clothed in sheer black flame, his fists crunched together and he stormed out of the bathroom, the steam noosing about his neck and infecting his lungs. He knew not to follow the girl. He knew he couldn't. He didn't want to. He didn't want to find her choking. Drowning. Bleeding. Screaming.
He moved to the roof, where he was soon joined by the rest of the team. Starfire gripped his shoulder as he cried silently, allowing the water that had stained his body to escape down his cheeks. The summer night dried them onto his face but he wiped them off brashly.
"It's pitiful," said Beast Boy quietly, truthfully. They all agreed.
"She needs us," Cyborg shook his head. His eye flashed gingerly. "She can't do this on her own."
"I do not understand," said Starfire, her lime orbs focussed on the silent Robin, who stared out across the peaceful Jump City. How many times had Raven served to help the people of this city; and yet none could help her?
"I do not understand the nature of these 'Visions'," her voice broke the soft air, "I do not understand why she hurts. Why does she see things that are to happen in the future?"
"Is it the future?" Beast Boy jumped in, "Or the past?"
"The first one – the scratches…" Cyborg said as he watched the sky, "they seemed to tell us what happened to James Lowson."
He referred to the discovery Robin and Raven had simultaneously made as she turned on the television screen those nights ago. James Lowson worked in a zoo, and had been mauled by a leopard. His body had been discovered on the pathway next to the animal's cage. A huge tear scowled across his throat; he had died quickly and painfully, hours earlier.
And Raven had seen it.
She had not been there. Not physically. She had seen it. She had felt it. She'd felt the blood stains. She had been there.
Somehow.
These facts whirred around the air, quicker than the lights from the houses. The night air was drawing in swiftly, carpeting the world. It would soon be time for sleep.
"Seems more likely that she's seeing the past," Cyborg concluded, "And if that's the case…somebody just drowned."
Again he stated what everybody was thinking. Nobody liked it.
"We need to speak to her about it. We need to figure this out!" Beast Boy said quietly, watching the hypnotic lights of the city. "We need to get in her head and just…"
Silence descended upon them in the uncomfortable way that it favoured; blanketed them softly as though to comfort them despite its awkward presence – as if to apologise. Robin suddenly felt he would prefer the noise over the silence. It hadn't always been the case.
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Raven still preferred silence. She was so accustomed to it by now! How was she possibly to endure any other sort of atmosphere? She had been born from darkness; from submissive silence (excluding many a whimper from the doomed Arella as Trigon took what he deemed was his) into reclusive silence. Into darkness.
She materialised in her dark room, noting that the door to the en-suite was hovering open, so the lines of dull light watched her still; eyes boring into her. She shut it with a trembling hand – moving over to the door physically rather than closing it with her telekinesis; how was she to trust her levels of self control when they had let her down so painfully, so dangerously in the cubicle minutes before? Moments ago she had been dying, wrapped in swaddling and pleading to be set free. Her captor's face manifested in her eyes; behind them, watching her as she thrashed under the surface, her lungs straining fruitlessly for release. Her hair, so kind in hiding her face from the reality she loved to avoid, had taunted her, laughing and poking at her eyes as it had accepted the mastery of the water. She had been destined to drown. She had stared up at his empty, black eyes and cried in her throat.
Then there was Robin. Those empty black eyes had undergone a metamorphosis and developed, like a shady negative in a dark room blossoming into a beautiful image, into those of Robin; those hands that had imprisoned her with such aggression and force had melded into his frantic, desperate grasp, and he had pulled her to freedom. She had given up hope long before he had found her in the depths.
Yet when she had taken a breath again, it was painful, like that of a newborn emerging from the deadly womb, and she had resisted the urge to cry out. She knew she couldn't. Her throat had cried too much. Still she had felt heavy with shame. It had surrounded her as the silence surrounded those on the rooftop, watching the lights of the city. It was too much. The worried gaze of her friends was nothing more than accusation. They did not want to save her; it was obligation. It was necessary. She was nothing more than a cog in a machine, where all of the other cogs were well loved. She was not well loved.
She sank onto her bed, her heart laden in her ribs, beating softer than she liked. The room was dark – and she rocked within it. It held her, smiling, knowing how she felt. It brought danger – this she knew, but she could not face their cold stares. Robin had not even chased her. He had been glad she had gone.
"He should have left me there," she said softly, tears rolling down her cheeks, still dappled with water from the shower. "They do not need me here."
Her eyes pierced the darkness with their lavender glow. They were weary with sleep deprivation. They did not want to see; not their eyes, not their silent opinions; but they could not help but see through any darkness that they were presented with. They would continue to see where she did not wish to look. And now, they took her back to the shower, to the face of the man who held her under.
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"What did you say?" Cyborg broke the heaviness suddenly. Beast Boy looked over at him, his own eyes bright in the fading light of the tired sun, who had seen enough evil for the day, and wished to hide in the darkness.
"What, dude?"
"What did you just say?"
Beast Boy watched his friend, confused. "I said we need to figure this out!"
"No!" Cyborg growled, the city lights glinting in his infra red eye. "You said we need to get inside her head!"
The changeling watched the tin man with a heart for some moments before his eyes responded in the way Cyborg wanted them to. "In her mind!"
Starfire watched the two in a confused manner, her body language expressing her confusion as she scratched her chestnut hair. "What…do you speak of?"
They both knew now; they knew from memory, and they both pictured what they had seen in earlier days; the jagged, craggy rocks that hung in midair, the scenery around them changing drastically in flashes as her mood darkened and ripened, and the dangerous, deceptive emotions, with their manipulating faces and lying fronts. They knew her mind all right; they had been inside it.
Beast Boy quickly explained what had happened in their past to Starfire, who watched with curiosity. They told of the mirror that they had come across in novelty, which had pulled them into the dimensions of her mind, and their battle with Trigon, Raven's dark side, the side she meditated to protect them from. The side she could not release or allow control.
Robin turned as soon as they finished the tale. "You think the answers lie in her mind?"
"Where else?" said Beast Boy plaintively. "We have nowhere else to look!"
"But, friend," Starfire broke in, "the last time you entered Raven's mind, you did so without her permission. What convinces you that she will give it this time?"
Beast Boy's face fell momentarily. "I…I don't know. Maybe we can just sneak in, like last time?"
"No," said Robin, the lights behind him glowing about his shadowy form, the sun setting to the west, "We need her to let us. We need an all access pass."
He paused, watching his friends, his body still dripping chilly water despite the warm air of the evening.
"And I'll be the one to get it."
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He gazed into the pool, eyes fractured by what he saw in there. It chilled him. Chilled him more than the wind, like a cloak of ice. His stare was dictated by every move in the rippling, glistening, beautiful pool.
Eyes watched back, and nearby, six tiny ravens flew from the desolate skeleton of a tree into the reddening sky.
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"No."
"Raven, please, it's for your own good!"
"No."
"We're only trying to help!"
Her eyes glinted as she sat on the edge of the bed. He had interrupted her memory. She had been once again in the grasp of the stranger who held her under, gripped her shoulders so tightly that she couldn't feel his fingers; whose features lay muffled by the mask of the water as she choked and cried.
He was gone again – they only seemed to meet for brief moments – and now she was protecting the privacy of her mind from Robin as he attempted to enter it.
"But Raven…"
He trailed off, and she knew the others were listening outside her heavy metal door. Robin stood directly in the centre of the room, while she sat comfortably on the soft bed with its new sheets. Scratches still remained along the ceiling and floor.
"Robin…"
He paused, waited for her response…her continuation. She did not. He knew the others were listening…but…
"Raven…we just want to help you…" he searched for the words, knowing he was on dangerous ground. "Do you know how much…it hurts to…to see you like this?"
She looked down, her purple bangs hanging into her eyes. She did not blink them away. Robin didn't understand that.
"We need you."
She scoffed quietly at that. The room was heavy, cold. The bathroom was shut off now. The steam did not creep. All was still; frozen.
"Yeah, you need me," she said from beneath her bangs of hair, her voice crisp and unbroken, "I'm just another part of the Teen Titans machine, right?"
"Raven--"
She watched his face beneath her mask. She imagined his eyes, how scornful they must be beneath that mask.
"And I guess it wouldn't matter who you had really. I could be Raven, or Terra, or anybody. As long as the precious team keeps going…keeps helping people…then you're ok, right?"
"No, Raven…" his voice was weak with surprise.
"But when the parts start to grind, when things don't oil as well; that's why you're concerned, isn't it? Because your precious team might fall apart."
He watched her, unable to speak. Did she honestly believe that? What had they done to convince her she was just a part in a machine?
"I'm just…necessary, aren't I?" her voice softened and broke a little.
He wept inside. He wept for her grey cynicism. He wept for her dead outlook. He wept for her sad heart and shining eyes.
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"What's going on in there?"
Cyborg hushed Beast Boy quickly, his ear pressed to the door.
"I can't hear…"
"Cyborg, you're half robot – surely you've got an amplifier somewhere on your person…"
He chuckled. "I was hoping not to resort to it…but…"
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She watched him, as he stood in silence, watching her back.
"Why is he still here"
Was he trying to defeat her? To break the silence? She'd said the truth, and it had cracked the room.
His mouth was dry. His hair felt as though it clung to him unnaturally. He felt as though he were part of some old photograph…frayed and dog-eared at the edges and unfamiliar to those who looked.
"Raven…" he said, wincing at the sad sound of his own voice. "I just wanted you to know…that…"
He took a breath, his fingers numb. "I love the way you laugh."
The silence glared at them painfully in the moment that followed his dry words.
"And…"he continued, fighting the stares from the silence, his feet nervous, "I…we… just want to hear you laugh again."
She knew he watched as she blinked her eyes fast shut. And suddenly, without him realising it, the tiny mirror floated into Robin's grasp. He gripped it with his numb fingers.
"I don't know what to say," he murmured.
"Just come back soon," she whispered, her bangs hiding her face completely. She turned away, a clear gesture to Robin to leave the room.
I'll be alone and that's the way I like it
He likes how I laugh
How
HOW
He can go in and look and see that he won't like my laugh soon
He won't like any of me at all he'll just see what there is of Raven
I told him there are parts of me he shouldn't see long ago
When we thought the worst was over and we could breathe
He likes the way I laugh
He likes the way I laugh
He likes the way I laugh
He likes
How long has it been since I laughed
She listened for him leaving, but heard no such sound. Where was the metal, clanging shut in depressing safety? The claustrophobic sense of comforting loneliness?
His hand on her shoulder unnerved her.
"I want to take this away from you," he said firmly, softly, to the girl who turned her back on the bed. "I feel like you've been gone for a long time."
He could see her tears dropping onto the bed. The dark sheets turned unhappily darker as she breathed forcedly in and out.
"I wish you'd just talk to us, Raven," he continued, listening to her breathe, "You're not part of a machine. You're our friend. I thought you knew that."
"Don't you get tired of helping me out of these stupid situations?"
"None of that matters. We all love you as a friend. That's the way it should be."
She wept openly now, the nights of frightened wakefulness and fatigue slashing open her tear ducts, the earlier events tearing her heart, and breaking her inside. She raised a hand to her face to hide, her hair feeling too transparent a mask. After all, Robin could see her tears. She wished to catch them, hide them, push them back inside with her grey, cold fingers. Her body resisted the urge to curl.
Her fingers pressed into her tired, pitiful tears, the droplets evading their captors and slipping onto her cheeks. She felt Robin's hand wrap around her own.
"Nothing you've done…nothing you will ever do… will break us apart. Starfire, Beast Boy, Cyborg and myself…we want what's best for you. We want to hear you laughing again."
She offered a watery smile from behind her hand. "I never laughed much to begin with."
He smiled back at her softly. "That's what makes it so special when you do."
Her eyes swung around through the barrier of straight purple hair and met his mask.
Wish I knew what he was really thinking
Suddenly, without her realising he'd moved to do so, Robin slipped his mask off What?. Her eyes widened but she made no sound as she gazed into his abruptly more 'human' eyes, which lay concealed to all Am I the first to see this until now. The irises were a strange mix of green and grey, not the spectacular blue ones she'd always imagined How often have I thought about his eyes but still strangely absorbing and hypnotic. The skin around them glistened with he's been crying their own tears.
"Just so you can see for yourself…" he said, his eyes holding her gaze They're so unusual, "how much I care about you…not "the team", but you…it kills me – kills all of us – to see you broken."
She did not speak – she did not wish to; but merely stared at his face. No longer was he "Boy Wonder" Robin, with his vaguely pre-pubescent figure and serious work ethic. By simply removing a mask, he was an entirely new person, with a soul in his strange eyes. He seemed like a man as opposed to little friend Robin and she liked what she saw.
Finally, she realised she must be making him awkward, and she looked down at his hand. "Promise you'll fix me?"
"I promise."
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Beast Boy listened intently through Cyborg's amplifier, the pointed edged of his green ears pricking at the sound of the pair inside.
"Sounds like…"
"She said 'yes'!" Cyborg grinned happily. "Rob's a genius."
"Yeah…" Beast Boy smiled half-heartedly, "real genius."
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Starfire held her down, crying for Beast Boy and Cyborg to help. The girl's eyes flashed green in terror and she screamed for her thrashing friend to cease.
"Help! It's…it's another one!"
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Get off me this is not yours you have no right
You cannot take this it is mine
Please leave me alone do not touch me no you were my friend
Please stop you mustn't STOP he is not listening to me
I trust you I know you won't
Will he believe that will it stop him
No I trust you you will not take me you will not I know you you you won't hurt me you won't use me
Why are you with him
No please no help me somebody
Why aren't they listening
He will not break me I won't let him
Oh God it hurts so much he hurts that's mine give it please don't take it why
These chains are cold on my wrists
It hurts I must be bleeding I can't cry I already am
Where are you
You said you wanted me to laugh well how do I laugh at this
He said he'd steal my pain but oh God this hurts why is he hurting me
"Robin!"
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Robin stared at the pool before him in the barren land of Raven's mind. He was in Nevermore. The craggy reddish rocks surrounded him, bored into his own mind and he felt crushed. What he saw in the pool made him want to be sick. It wasn't clear, but he knew what he saw, what he heard. It hurt his ears, stung his eyes, sunk into the crevices of his mind where he knew they would stay and return, like the flooding water always did.
If this was the future, he had to stop it. He couldn't let this happen to her.
He gazed into the pool, wondering if he was seeing right. Was he in the middle of a vision? To his left, a girl in a green hooded cloak with purple hair watched him. He knew she was there.
"She tries to be brave," the girl said in a voice hauntingly similar to Raven's own.
"But it's so hard, because…" another girl, in a grey cloak with timid huge eyes shivered. Robin could hardly comprehend what he saw in the murky water.
"Has this pool always been here?" he asked, attempting to keep his voice despite the harrowing noises emitting from the scenes reflected in the water.
"No," said one in a pink cloak, "It used to be my playground. But it just appeared one day. It's pretty deep."
Robin peered over the edge, the smell of damp reaching his nostrils. He saw her face, eyes wide open, searching wildly for help as dark hands slid over her face, her neck, body…he could not see her attacker. He could only see her, clearly, tears leaking from the corner of her eyes and crawling down her face like children marching.
I will change her future I will not let this happen
As he stared in, his face gradually moving closer and closer to the image her feared, he felt unexpected hands upon his back, and then he was in the pool, water shrouding his head viciously. He gasped for air, having almost empty lungs, and struggled with some strength as his own assailant grasped his shoulders so tight he could not feel the fingertips. He glanced up and tried to see the face of the attacker, but could not – the water was a cloud. Robin struggled and spluttered under the water, his legs booting the liquid mist about himself. His lungs screamed and his throat burned and wept for freedom. And for some reason, all he could picture was Raven, trapped in her shower cubicle, eyes closed as if in death.
As his image began to blur, Robin felt the grip loosen, and a hand plunged through the wall of water to pull him out. He grasped it frantically and was pulled upwards, his head breaking the surface like the wind breaks through the leaves on a tree branch, and inhaled sharply. The girl in the green cloak had saved him.
"Who held me under?" he spluttered with some difficulty once his breath had begun to return and his heart ceased to pound.
"Rage," replied one girl in a yellow cloak, eyes masked with thick glasses. "She's entirely uncontrollable."
Under a jagged rock a few metres away, four red eyes glared at him, watched as the water dripped from him. Before he could say anything, he became aware of Starfire's voice calling loudly through Nevermore.
"Robin! Robin help! ROBIN!"
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Sherby: You know the drill people! Review me please! I'm sorry for the age old update! Hope you liked this chapter – a bit shorter than the rest, and I owe credit to Seether feat. Amy Lee, Broken, and Led Zeppelin for That's the Way.
God bless x x x
Sherby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
