Part 3- 'Ah'm gonna be just fine…'
Did you really think it wouldn't change? That they wouldn't see you differently, treat you differently. She could hear their words, even in their silent stares, their accusing looks…. traitor.
Traitor to cause she had never had embraced, and a choice she had never made. Barely a week since she had taken the cure and their silent disdain was slowly killing her. Not being able to touch she found was no less a greater cross to bear than no one wanting to touch you.
The excitement on her return from the clinic had soon died down; Jean was dead, along with the Professor and Scott, all gone. Those who were left looked lost and a lot like the long dead. There was too much pain and heartache in the mansion for anyone to be left unaffected. New mutants came pouring into the academy, outcasts, lost and afraid needing a place to feel safe, to feel wanted.
The late Professor's academy had become the unofficial place for mutants who needed somewhere to be who they wanted without fear. He would have been proud; the professor, to know that so many trusted and relied on the institution he had spent a lifetime building.
But Marie was no longer one of those needing a sanctuary, she was cured. She didn't belong here, she wasn't welcome here. They didn't have to say it, no one had ever said it, but she felt it. Walking down the hallways able to brush past them now, but they shrank away from her touch, deliberately keeping a distance. Never mind cured, she felt accursed all over again. Those who could not meet her gaze kept their eyes glued firmly to the floor, the ceiling, and that curiously interesting point above her head.
But not at her, never at her. Time to leave…time to go.
She had not done it for Bobby, but his reaction had hurt the most. She'd waited patiently in her room knowing he'd come and see her once he knew she was back. Sure enough he opened the door slowly and paused in the door watching her, just watching.
'I never wanted this…' He approached her tentatively, still standing a few feet away from her.
'No, but ah did.' She spoke softly up at him. She reached out and laid a hand on his arm, skin on skin, for the first time. No more gloves, no more barriers. He gasped at first still a little unsure.
'It's alright…'she whispered. She revelled in the touch, finally being able to touch, nothing could ever compare to this. But she wanted more, needed more. She'd finally gotten a taste, but those delicate soft strokes of her fingers on his bare arm were nothing more than a gentle stream. It was an agonisingly slow trickle, and what she craved was a flood.
She pressed herself closer to him, snaked an arm about his neck and leaned in for a kiss. Their first kiss without fear, without dread, she was sure it would taste like heaven.
And for a few moments it was, heaven and every other ecstasy that could ever be afforded. She brushed her lips across his feverishly, tasting, feeling wanting and needing so much more. He pulled her closer and replied with an equal ardency. She brought up her other hand to smooth across his chest, loving the feel of his taut muscles under her hand.
But there was the question of his shirt, frustrating cloth that got in the way of what she wanted, which was to touch and taste every part of him. She reached for his waistband and pulled the shirt up and out. She pushed her hands underneath, keeping her mouth locked onto his all the while.
So this is what flesh was, all hot and taut, muscle and gloriously sensitive skin! She spread both her hands across his stomach and over his chest. Bobby caught his breath at the feel of her small, curious and exploring hands. She smiled widely and broke the kiss at last leaving them both gasping for breath.
He stared intently at her, face flushed and eyes darkened with desire. He watched mouth agape as she slowly, teasingly snaked her hands lower until they were both resting just above his belt. Her deft fingers with their new found freedom made light work of his heavy belt buckle.
She began kissing him again, her mouth hot and wet against his was unbelievable, but it was not until she had successfully removed his belt, opened the fastenings and began working on the fly of his jeans that it finally dawned on him just how far she was willing to go.
And he couldn't do it, for some reason it just didn't feel right so he roughly pulled away from her, though it killed him to see her face fall in disappointment and confusion.
'What…what's wrong…?' she demanded of him. He didn't answer at first hurriedly tucking in his shirt, she took a step towards him and almost instinctively before he could stop himself, he stepped backwards.
'I'm sorry Rog-…Marie…' That's right she thought, no longer Rogue, all Marie now, touchable, lovable. So why aren't you touching me or loving me?
'It's just this isn't…, I can't do this. There's…' And he couldn't finish his sentence but she knew what he wanted to say. She hadn't really done this for him, but finally being able to touch him for real would have been one hell of a bonus.
He couldn't finish the sentence but she could, 'There's Kitty, right?' She smiled sadly, he did genuinely seem devastated.
'I'm sorry Marie, God knows I tried to stop it from happening but, and then you went and did this as well, God I'm such a bastard…'
She looked up at him suddenly, her eyes flashing in deep anger, 'you're right… you are a bastard, an arrogant, self-centred, selfish bastard. Did you really think I did this for you? Get over yourself!'
She approached him slowly then, walking forwards forcing him to retreat backwards out of the room. 'You have no idea what it's like being forced to stand on the sidelines, forced to watch the world pass ya by, and all it would really take is to just reach out. Just grab it, so many have that, why couldn't ah?' Her Southern accent was getting more prominent the angrier she got.
'Ah wanted that, and ah took it, for myself, just for me…not ya, nobody else…just me. So don't feel sorry for me. 'Cos ah made my choice, and ya can be damn sure ah'd make the same one again.' She was physically pushing him out of the door now.
'Marie…' he protested wanting to explain himself that much better. But she was tired of excuses; she had a whole life to live, a whole life full of touch. If he didn't want to be a part of that, then so be it. Bobby Drake was not something to be so lamented now that Marie was back.
It was only much later that the tears began to fall, soft gentle tears of longing. Just wishing to be understood, wanting them all to understand that she would have given up forever just to be allowed to touch, and in the end all she had to sacrifice was a mutation that had just about destroyed her. All she wanted was to shout at them to understand, to know that it's no sort of life when you have to physically break and bleed yourself, just to convince yourself you are truly alive.
But she was tired, of this place, this mansion of mutants who judged her when they had no right to, when they did not know. So she made her choice, standing up with as firm a resolution as she had ever known, she grabbed her duffel bag from underneath her bed and began to pack.
She made light work of it all, it seemed a testament to her life at the academy that it took precious little time for it to be done. She deliberately discarded the long sleeve shirts, the scarves and perhaps, most symbolically the gloves. She tossed them on her bed, looking back at them only once as she made her way to the door.
It opened before she reached it, and there stood the one man who had not sought to judge, but for his own reasons had avoided her all the same. Logan.
He seemed as tired and broken as she did. Marie had heard something of the sacrifice he had made at Alcatraz, and she prayed she would never know such sorrow. To kill the one thing anyone had ever loved was to proclaim a death sentence on oneself. And Logan did look as if he was suffering under such a death sentence.
'What do you think you're doin' kid?' He nodded towards the bag she had slung over her back.
'What people like us do best Logan…running away.' She looked him squarely in the eye, recollecting the way they had met, two runaways as distrusting of the world as they were of each other. But that had changed; now there was no one in the world the other would trust more with their very lives.
'Ah'm surprised you've stuck around this long…' the sentiment was genuine, she had expected Logan to take off as soon as he had come back from the mission, but he was still here, in some sense at least.
'Kid…there's no need for you to go.' He sat on the edge of her bed, so tired.
She stood by the door, knowing if she stepped back into the room now she'd never leave.
'Hey Logan, do you know what it is to grow up too fast?'
He winced and she immediately felt the stupidity of her question. He was something past 80 and even that was a guess, of course he didn't know what it was to grow up too fast, for him time moved ever torturously slow.
She sighed, 'Ah'm sorry Logan. But ah know what it is, ah grew up too fast, ah missed out on so much, things everybody else takes for granted. All because of some mutation…,' she held up her hand, 'because of my skin. Now ah have the chance to go back, to make up for some of it. A chance to live all the dreams ah thought ah'd lost, and whatever they think of me, ah'm not going to apologise for taking that chance.'
Marie tightened the hold on her bag, 'And ah'm sure as hell not gonna stay where everyone thinks ah have something to apologise for.'
'Someone say something kid?' He flexed his hands and she could tell he was angry on her behalf.
She laughed quietly, 'They don't have to say it Logan, ah can see it. It's in the way they look at me…or in your case…don't.' He looked up sharply at those words, he was sure he had done nothing different. But she saw, she always saw.
Marie forgave him in an instant as she always knew she would. Stepping back into the room she kissed him briefly on the cheek. 'It's okay Logan,' she whispered against his ear, 'ah'll be fine…and give it time sugah, you will be too.'
She was at the door when he called out again, 'Marie, you got somewhere to go…?' She turned back and offered him the most brilliant smile.
'Ah sure do…ah'm goin' home Logan.'
He sat stock still, both feet planted firmly on the floor, knees locked tightly together and his hands clutching the folders in his lap.
He sat in the middle of a bare whitewashed room facing a panel of his superiors. The trio, one woman and two men wore the same suit as he did, black shirt, black tie, all black.
They opened the folders in front of them, the same folder he had in his lap. Papers he knew the contents of inside out. The first item was a picture of Marie.
The woman who sat in the centre was the only
one to speak. 'Can we assume the inoculation of…' she glanced
at the papers once more, 'of project R-34673 was a success?'
She
offered him the briefest glance over her horn-rimmed glasses before
settling back to read the sheets in front of her.
He replied with an unwavering conviction, 'Completely…'
'And she is of course unaware of the fact that the 'cure' is in essentials ineffective?' The horn-rimmed woman kept her gaze glued firmly to the picture.
'As far as Marie is concerned she is completely cured, the effects of the antidote however will last only a few months, and then…' He paused as if reflecting on something. The slightest twinge of a smile was caught at the corner of his mouth.
The trio looked at each other and back at him with some incredulity, 'And then…?'
His blank expression returned and covered his face once more. 'Then she'll be back.'
'You say that with a certain degree of certainty, can you be so absolutely sure?'
He nodded firmly, 'Absolutely sure. You see she needs it; she needs to be accepted, to fit in. What Marie has always been looking for is a family, once she finds it there is nothing on this earth she will not do to hold onto it. Including coming back for repeat doses of the 'cure' if necessary...'
Oh yes, he was sure. He had watched her long enough to know what it was his Marie needed…what she wanted. And in time she would find he was the only family she could ever need.
And in return he was willing to give her the world.
