Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your kind words on chapter 1. I am so happy that everyone is seeming to love Jane and Seth as much as I do! Enjoy chapter 2!
Two: That Familiar Ache
Jane's POV
I woke up the next morning with a killer headache and a stiff jaw. It took me a few minutes before the events of last night filled my brain, but even those were fuzzy and jumbled. When Dr… Christian? Came last night he had instructed me that he believed I did, in fact, have a moderate concussion, and that I should avoid bright lights and heavy mental activities for two weeks before another consultation.
I had forced myself not to roll my eyes. I could not afford "light mental work" for any amount of time, let alone two weeks.
I sat up in bed and immediately re-oriented myself to my surroundings. Though I had originally been frightened, everyone here had been so incredibly nice. Especially Seth.
Ah, Seth.
I melted at the thought of him, and then I scolded myself for being so smitten with a man that I just met that was way out of my league. Not that I thought I wasn't attractive; I definitely was cute. I just wasn't… cool. Many guys came up to talk to me, but then quickly after they left when they realized I was, as many people have said, "plain Jane." I absolutely despised that nickname on so many levels.
Still, Seth was the first guy that I had, had such an intense attraction to since my ex, and even my ex I hadn't found as attractive as him. Seth was tall, but he was lean. He had muscle but he wasn't bulky; toned and fit would be a better word. He had dark, beautiful, rich skin that made his giant smile shine brighter than I could have thought possible. He had a nicely sculpted jawline and I could just make out the scruff of his shaven beard that was thin but highlighted his pointed chin perfectly. He had gigantic dimples, too, but how could I forget about those?
It wasn't just the way he looked, though, Seth has been so sweet. To say that I hadn't had the best luck with men would be an understatement. It was like Seth had taken every stereotype or conclusion that I had drawn about the male species and morphed into one living, breathing contradiction. And he hadn't seemed to mind that I was shy. In fact, he hadn't seemed to mind it at all.
The first thing I did when I woke up in the morning was go into the bathroom to survey the damage. I noticed my face in the mirror and jumped back, shocked. I had a swollen, black and blue welt on my jaw, and a small cut in the corner of my lip. Jesus Christ. I gently pressed my fingertips into the purple and then winced back; that one was definitely going to be hell as it healed.
I lifted my shirt to take note of my stomach, and noticed a very similar bruise right above my navel. I sighed and lowered my shirt. Hey, I thought as I flipped my hair over to the side to splash water on my face, at least I wasn't sexually assaulted. That's a plus.
I washed my face and then found some lotion in the bottom drawer to put on it, though I definitely avoided the bruise. I pulled my hair up into a fresh, messy ponytail and groaned in annoyance at my thick, naturally wavy and curly and untidy hair that was a complete mess. The only reason I kept it as long as I did with it being so thick, was because the curls looked less ridiculous with longer hair. I brushed my teeth with the toothbrush that Emily had brought me last night and then changed into the extra set of clothes that she had brought up.
I already showered last night after the doctor came, though the allure of that amazing scented body wash that Emily had given me made me want to take another one. She had given me a simple pair of cut-off shorts and a small, black tee-shirt. The shorts were a little big so I tucked it in around the sides and then nervously studied my face in the mirror. I hated makeup, but I never left the house without a little bit of tinted moisturizer, blush, and mascara, and what if I saw Seth?
Ugh, I was such a head case! I literally got attacked last night and the only thing that I can think about is how hot a random man named Seth is. What is the matter with me?
I hesitantly stepped out of my room and was pleasantly surprised that I was not in the back of a brothel, because quite honestly the thought still worried me. I descended the small staircase leading into the small, quaint and charming kitchen, and was slapped in the face with deliciousness.
I stood in the entryway of the room before anyone noticed me, awkwardly shifting on my feet and wondering if I should say anything. Everyone had been so freaking nice to me, it was shocking. I didn't want to overstay my welcome.
Emily finally turned around from her place at the stove and suddenly noticed me. "Oh! You're up!" She popped up, her face brightening. I smiled timidly. Emily was so pretty. She had thick, black hair, naturally tanned skin and bright blue eyes. She was so pretty I realized that the scars covering half of her face from her scalp to her chin weren't the first thing that I had noticed about her. I wondered where she had gotten them, but I wasn't about to ask.
"How did you sleep?" She asked brightly.
"Ugh, great," I nervously shuffled on my feet. "Thank you so much, again. You didn't have to do all of that."
"Oh of course I did," She waved her hand at me. "Sit! I made breakfast."
My eyes widened. "Oh, Emily. You really didn't have to…"
"Sit down," She told me dismissively.
I did as I was told and slid into the closest seat to the door at the empty table. At that exact moment, the back door opened… And Seth walked in.
I literally had to force my jaw back up so that I didn't drool. Seth alone is hot as hell, but Seth shirtless. I didn't think my eyes would ever be the same again. He had smooth, shining skin that looked unreal. Once I was finally able to break my eyes from his beautiful, toned chest to meet his eyes, I noticed him watching me with a small smile. Immediately, embarrassment hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt myself blushing as I averted my gaze.
"Hi Jane," He said sweetly.
I wasn't able to hide a smile. Something about him saying my name made me giddy.
"Hi," I answered finally, because I didn't trust myself to say any more words.
"Did you sleep alright last night?" Seth asked, sitting in the chair across from mine.
I gulped. "Yeah. Thank you again."
"Would you stop thanking us," Emily laughed as she pushed a plate of pancakes in front of my face. "What has happened to the world when a teenage girl has to thank people for saving her from being attacked?"
I blushed. "Sorry."
"Don't be," She smiled warmly. "Eat up. I'd get this down before all the guys get back from their run though, or there might not be any left."
"Oh." My eyes widened at the stack of pancakes in front of me. I picked up my fork and hesitantly cut into them. Suddenly, what looked like a gallon of syrup was exploding on my pancakes. I looked up to see Seth dumping a boat of syrup onto my plate.
"Now's not the time to be shy, Jane. You've never had Em's pancakes before."
I giggled, despite myself, and then took a huge bite. I suddenly stopped chewing, my eyes lit up and I quickly locked eyes with his.
"Told you," He laughed.
I giggled. "Is all your food this good?" I asked her as her back was turned to the stove.
"Yes," Seth answered for her.
I chuckled. "You said your aunt?" I asked Seth. "You're lucky."
"Kinda," He mumbled underneath his breath.
Just then, the back door opened, and in from the same entrance that Seth had come came three, no four, no five identical guys. I stiffened in my seat; perhaps I had been right about the brothel.
"Jane," Seth turned to them. "This is Quil, Jacob, Jason, Micah, Embry and- actually, that's it for right now."
"Hi Jane!" They all called in unison. It was so ridiculous, five giant shirtless men grinning and waving at me that I nearly laughed.
"Ouch," One of the more buff ones leaned in to look at my face. "Looks like it hurts. Want some ice?"
"Oh, no. That's okay." I had forgotten about the bruise. I quickly covered it with my hair.
"I'm Embry," He held out his giant hand for me to shake.
I placed mine in his timidly. "Jane," I smiled.
"Nice to meet you Jane," Embry grinned before walking away.
"Do you have a last name, Jane?" One of the still gigantic but a tad bit shorter ones asked.
"Ugh, Mcalaster?" I responded, not quite sure if it was wise to tell a group of extremely buff men my credentials.
"Jane Mcalaster," He laughed. "Cute. I'm Quil. I almost named my daughter Jane."
"Really?" I asked. "Thank God you didn't."
"You don't like your name?" His lip pulled up in the corner.
"Actually I didn't mind it, but my entire childhood I got called 'plain Jane.' When you've got a name like Jane you've really got to have a big personality to combat that, and I just don't, so."
"Mcalaster," The first one that had offered me his hand, (Embry, was it?) tapped on his chin. "I swear I've heard that name before."
"I like Jane," Seth said quietly to me. I was quite sure that no one else heard it. I looked at him, and noticed him staring. Immediately I looked away; Jesus Christ, I was never this awkward around boys! I shoved down the thought that it was just this boy.
"Jason," A much younger guy with shining white teeth and a giant Indian head tattoo came up to me next. This one had a saunter to him that immediately alerted me that he was most likely a fuck-boy. I suppressed a laugh at his over-confidence. "Very nice to meet you."
It could have been my imagination, but I swear he locked eyes with Seth for a moment before walking away.
"Jacob," Another guy, arguably the second biggest behind Embry waved from across the room. "I carried you home last night."
"Ugh, thank you?"
"Sure thing," He laughed. "You weigh about as much as a toothpick so it wasn't much trouble."
"Oh, well," I suppressed a blush. I never knew what to say when people commented that.
"And this is my son Micah," Emily stopped working to clasp her hands around his shoulders. "He's shy!"
"Mom," He mumbled.
I giggled, unable to help himself. "Hi Micah," I whispered. I always tried to push my shy-boundaries when it came to other shy people. I knew how difficult and embarrassing it could be for everyone to know how shy you were and constantly bring it up, so I tried my best to be extra nice to those people.
Micah lifted his head and his eyes lit up at me. We smiled at each other before I diverted my gaze. These people were so odd; I had never been welcomed so openly. It was like one, giant dysfunctional family that had to be related because they all had similar features but just weren't. It was so odd. Super comfortable and refreshing, but odd nonetheless.
"How old are you?" Embry asked with his back turned to me.
"19."
"Really?" He turned to squint at me. "You look younger."
I blushed. "Yeah."
"That's because Lena Lahote looked like she was 25 when she turned 15," Quil punched him in the shoulder and the entire room burst out laughing.
Embry ignored them and turned back to me. "You're close in age as my girlfriend. You've gotta meet her."
"Oh," His offer shocked me. "Okay." I tried to not look him up and down as he said this; this man looked to be in his late twenties!
"And you're close in age to my girls!" Emily popped up. "One's in college but the other is still in high school."
"Really?" I took another bite of pancake.
"Are you in school?" That one guy whose name I forgot- wait... Jacob! Asked me.
"Yes, I am," I nodded my head.
"What're you studying?" He leaned against the back cabinets and crossed his arms. It was odd, because he seemed really young, as did Quil, but they apparently they all had children. I honestly could not figure this group of people out.
"Well I'm double majoring, but I'm focused on getting my chemistry degree now and then I want to get a master's later."
"Ooo," Embry nodded his head at me. "Impressive. So you're super smart?"
I blushed. "I wouldn't say that."
"And your other major?" Jacob asked.
"Oh," I diverted my eyes. "Ugh, it's nothing. It's just for fun, really." My phone buzzed, and before I had the chance to answer him, I suddenly remembered what that familiar alarm meant.
"Shit!" I stood up, and then quickly covered my mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry, shoot." I absolutely hated cussing, it always made me feel like such a terrible person. "Shoot!"
I heard someone laugh, but ignored it, too panicked to be able to respond. "I have to go!"
"You have to go?" Seth stood up.
"Yes! I have lab! Shoot! I totally forgot! I got all mixed up yesterday and was thinking that today was the weekend because it's Friday but I have a scheduled lab today and I can't miss because today we're extracting mice brains and, ugh!"
"Ew," I heard after a moment.
"I have to go. I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you all so much!" I rushed towards the door before stopping and turning around. "Ugh," I turned. "Does anyone have my…?"
Jacob held out my purse and cell-phone, not looking up from his plate.
"Thank you!" I took it and rushed out of the door.
"Welcome!" I heard a few men respond in unison as the door closed.
"Hey, Jane!" I heard called after me. Now, being this late, I usually wouldn't turn, but I knew who that voice belonged to, and quite honestly, I had no choice.
"Hi Seth," I let him catch up.
"Do you need a ride?"
"Oh, ugh," I looked around. I hadn't thought of that. "Where am I again?"
Seth chuckled. "Deep Reservation. I'll drive you."
"The Reservation," I moaned and rubbed my face with my hands. "Shoot! There's no way."
"Where do you go?" Seth asked.
"Peninsula College down in Port Angeles."
Seth's eyes widened. "You go to college every day all the way in Port Angeles?"
"Well, no," I frowned. "My degree is an online program, so that I can work during the day; but there are some labs that have to be scheduled in advance and I have to actually show up for. This was one of them." I let out a long sigh. "How am I going to explain this?"
"Well, you know, Jane," Seth began, humor in his tone. "You did get attacked last night. You could always just send a picture of your face."
I giggled, not having expected him to say that, and then covered the spot where I knew I had a bruise with my hand. "Is it that bad?" I worried.
Seth frowned. "No. It just looks like it hurts. Does it hurt?" There was clear concern behind his eyes, and it made me a little bit uncomfortable; the thing about not having anyone to care for you or about you in a long time made it so that someone's concern actually was more awkward than anything.
"No," I lied, because it was throbbing.
"Really?" Seth asked, and suddenly he reached out his hand, and he stroked the back of his finger oh so gently along it.
Holy hell.
My entire body heated up, from my toes to my head. I pressed my lips together and then gulped.
He cleared his throat and pulled away.
"I should probably go," I bit the inside of my cheek. "I feel rude, was that rude? I wasn't trying to be; everyone was so nice, especially Emily. I didn't even eat all of her pancakes."
"Jane, relax," Seth smiled gently. "You weren't rude at all. I think you thanked everyone about fifteen times… each."
I giggled. "But I should probably go. I don't want to overstay my welcome."
"Well that's super ridiculous because you're not overstaying your welcome at all, but if you want to leave I'll take you wherever you need to go," He smiled timidly.
"You really don't have to," I began, but Seth wasn't having it.
"Not interested, Jane. Come on." He pointed to a beat up, no-door Jeep and I attempted to conceal my excitement. I had always, always wanted one of those!
I bit the inside of my cheek. While I hated taking favors from anyone, especially hot anyone's that could never be into me, he did own my dream car. It was impossible to say no. The inside of Seth's car was surprisingly clean for a guy's, though I acted like I didn't notice at all.
"So, ugh," Seth cleared his throat. "Want to go get breakfast or something?"
I bit the corner of my lip and looked towards him. "I just ate, Seth."
"Actually, you just picked at your food," He corrected me. "You only took about three bites."
"Oh, right," I nodded my head and chuckled. "Well, I'm fine. Thank you though."
"You're welcome," Seth grinned at me. "You're very polite, Jane. It's refreshing after those idiots."
I laughed easily. "Awe, they didn't seem so bad!"
Seth rolled his eyes dramatically. "They were practically interrogating you!"
"Well I think they had a right to after possibly saving my life, Seth," I shook my head.
"Excuse me," Seth looked at me offended. "I was the one to save your life, missy!"
"Oh, pardon me," I chuckled. "I was a little busy to pay enough attention."
Seth frowned. "Awe, Jane. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"
I gulped. "I'm fine," I whispered. My jokes had a way of never being funny.
"That must have been terrifying," Seth somehow stated even gentler, and then offered his hand out to me. I stared at it for a few seconds, not quite sure what he expected me to do with it; was I to give him a high five? It seemed to odd to offer me to hold his hand.
Well, apparently I waited too long before I responded, because after a while he pulled his hand away, and dread and embarrassment seeped through me. This was so me; an intensely, unreal hot man offered me his hand and I was too timid to actually just run with it.
"Jane," Seth's voice was soft, pulling me from my thoughts. "Are you sure you're alright?"
I bit the inside of my cheek and then nodded.
Seth offered me a reassuring smile and I looked away.
I wanted to yell at him to stop treating me like a fragile little flower, but I knew that whenever I raised my voice or got upset even a tiny bit it overwhelmed my skin completely in a total blush; it was highly inconvenient. I wasn't about to test that now considering I knew what would be the outcome.
"So where am I taking you?" Seth asked after a moment of silence.
I shuffled in my seat. There was something about Seth that was so stinking cute that I really didn't want to leave him yet. It just wasn't me; accepting an offer for breakfast from a cute guy I just met. In a surge of adrenaline and a little bit of bravery that may be due to my concussion, I changed my mind.
"Still up for that breakfast?"
Seth's lips pulled up into a wide grin. "Definitely. Here," He handed me a set of very large sunglasses. I looked at him funny. "For the concussion. Carlisle said to avoid bright lights, right?"
I groaned. "How did you hear about that?" I pouted.
Seth chuckled. "I'm glad that I did. You need to take care of yourself, Jane."
"Yeah, yeah," I sighed and offered him the sunglasses back. "I have my own sunglasses in my purse. Thank you, though."
"You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome," Seth took them back. "I think I'm five 'you're welcome's' down now so you don't need to worry about thanking me anymore for the rest of today."
I stifled a laugh. "Four."
Seth laughed.
I did not put any sunglasses on, and he took me to the most popular diner in town, and then immediately led us towards the back. My eyes widened; I was not the one for spectacles. Any extra attention brought on myself resulted in red cheeks and stammering, so I tried to avoid them at all costs.
"Seth!" I whispered, though it was too loud in there to be able to hear me. "Seth," I poked his arm.
He turned towards me quickly. He was closer than I had expected.
"Don't we have to be seated?" I asked him nervously.
Seth grinned. "Don't worry about it, Jane. I've got an in with the owner."
"Oh."
He led me to a table in the far back corner and then I sat across from him in the booth that could fit about ten. I had gotten used to blending into the crowd, which is why I was so entirely uncomfortable with all of the extra attention that aimed directly at me, and I had a feeling that had to do with who I was with.
Dread seeped through me. If Seth was even more popular than I had originally thought, there was no way that he would be into someone as shy as me. I literally repelled anything in which I was the center of attention. In high school, I would actually take the letter grade hit to my grade versus showing up in class to give a speech. And now, all eyes were on me.
"Seth," I whispered nervously, dropping my eyes to my lap.
"Yeah?" His tone was sweet.
"Everyone's staring," I just barely murmured.
I heard him chuckle. "Well aren't you used to that, Jane?"
I raised my eyes to look at him funny. "No? Why would I be?"
He raised his eyebrows at me. I noticed his lips twitching as he fought a smile. "Nevermind," Seth smiled. "But it's not you. My mom owns this. Everyone knows me; I practically grew up in here."
"Oh," I finally relaxed. I sat back in my seat and then closed my eyes, letting out a few deep breaths. Thank God it wasn't me. "Really?"
"Or, I mean, it could be the black eye, but that's just a guess" Seth grinned.
"Crap!" I quickly pulled out my sunglasses from my purse and then slipped them on.
"That looks even more sketchy," Seth laughed after a moment of trying to suppress it.
I moaned and finally gave up on the prospect, accepting the fact that I was going to have to show off my beautiful, swollen black-eye this brunch. God, if it wasn't for Seth, I wouldn't have forgotten about it in the first place; he made me so nervous!
I pulled my hair out from behind my ear to cover my eye as much as possible and leaned down.
Seth looked at me funny. "Are you alright, Jane?"
I nodded. "Yes. I just really, really, really do not like being the center of attention."
He looked as if he didn't believe me. "Really?" He finally asked.
"I used to beg my teachers and cry to not have to give presentations in school. Even in college I have a family friend write fake hospital excuses for me on project presentation days."
"Wow," Seth chuckled. "That's actually pretty impressive. Why do you hate the spotlight so much?"
I shrugged. "I don't know," I whispered, then, "It's stupid, I know."
"It's not stupid," Seth answered easily, and when I looked at his face, I could tell that he was being honest. "Actually it's... refreshing."
"Refreshing?" I blurted, unable to help myself. That was the last thing I was never, ever expecting to hear from him.
"Yes," Seth nodded quickly. "Most girls who look like you love being the center of attention."
The heat and excitement from Seth's complement overwhelmed me. I knew that I should play it cool, but as previously stated, I just wasn't a cool person.
Thankfully, the waitress came up in the knick of time to take our order. Seth ordered steak and eggs while I ordered my favorite, cinnamon waffles with a side of strawberries and whipped cream. It could have been my imagination, but I could have sworn Seth smiled when I ordered that.
Once the waitress left, I realized that I had seen right when I noticed that the smile wasn't going away. I figured that I had to explain myself.
"It's better than you'd think," I told him.
"I didn't say anything," Seth smiled at me.
I blushed. "Well it's my favorite," I said through a very embarrassed smile.
"Well that's great," Seth smiled back. "I'll make them for you sometime; the cooking gene runs in the family."
I bit the center of my lip and then winced when I forgot about my bruise. He's hot, sweet, and he can cook? I found myself trying to find something wrong with him.
"I'm so sorry about that, Jane," Seth suddenly stated. His voice was different than before, though, and instead of his usual sweet and gentle tone, it was instead regretful now. When I looked up at him he had on a mask of sadness. "I wish I would have showed up sooner." He seemed to deflate.
I suddenly realized what he was referring to. "Oh," I let out accidentally. "Well," I blushed. "It's fine. Not your fault."
"I know," Seth spoke gently, "But I still hate that it happened to you."
"Yeah, well," I mumbled quietly, and then turned my attention to my ice water. "Is coffee bad for this?" I pointed towards the general area of my still-healing cut on my lip.
Seth leaned in to squint his eyes to get a better look. "I mean, I don't think it's encouraged, but I can't imagine it would do any more harm than has already been done. You want coffee, Jane?"
I nodded my head.
"One coffee. Coming right up." Seth grinned, and then he stood up and went behind the counter, pouring one cup himself and then setting it in front of me, along with a bowel of cream and sugar.
I took the black coffee into my hands, loving the way that it slightly burned my palms and held it up close to my mouth, taking small sips of the delicious, black coffee as it cooled down.
"I love coffee," I spoke after a moment, not quite sure what else to say to fill the silence.
"Yeah?" Seth smiled. "I've never liked it. Tastes like bitter, lighter fluid to me."
I giggled, unable to help myself. "It definitely tastes like that, but after a while it turns from disgusting bitter, lighter fluid to delicious, bitter lighter fluid and you start to crave it. I promise."
"I don't think I could ever have that problem," Seth told me seriously.
"I am making it my personal mission to turn you into a coffee addict." Once the joke was out, my eyes immediately widened. Surely that wasn't normal, to talk about making him my mission on the first "date," even though I knew full well this was a pitty breakfast more than anything. He surely would find me weird as hell now.
Only, Seth laughed. "You know what, you go ahead and enjoy your bean water. I'm going to order a delicious hot chocolate."
"I will," I smiled a closed-lip smile at him. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," He smiled back. "So, coffee, cinnamon waffles and strawberries. You get more interesting every second, Jane."
I couldn't help but grin. "You think?"
"Definitely," Seth beamed back. "Couldn't be further away from a plain Jain!"
I took a small sip of my coffee and hid my smile. I don't think I had ever received a better complement in my life.
After lunch, which turned out to be quite fun and not as awkward as I would have expected, by the way, Seth offered to drive me home. I debated about calling an Uber; how much was too much? I hated accepting favors, because no matter what anyone said, they always expected something in return for it.
I really liked Seth; in fact, if I was entirely honest with myself, I definitely had a crush on him. Only, I have had "crushes" on guys before, and the only thing that it taught me was that my fears were confirmed, that everyone wanted something. I hadn't had the best luck with guys, especially considering I had something interesting and rare called "morals" that other girls my age seemed to lack.
I just couldn't bring myself to sleep around, as much as I sometimes wanted to. Life would be so much easier if I could shut it off like so many other girls could, but I just... couldn't. I wanted what I grew up with. I wanted something deeper, stronger, fulfilling even. I wanted a sweep-you-off-your-feet kind of romance that only happened every other decade or so. All in all, I realized a long time ago that I was accidentally created in the wrong time era with men that preferred to "Netflix-and-Chill" rather than romantic boat-rides, champagne and rose petals. Grand gestures were not something that this generation of boys were comfortable with.
I was doomed, moral of the story.
I was deep lost in thought when Seth stopped in the driveway of my house. Like always, the rose-bushes were perfectly pruned and the wind-chimes were blowing softly in the wind, creating a beautiful, familiar melody. I immediately took notice to the grass that was slightly (only about a half an inch or so to be exact), longer than usual, and make a mental note to mow the grass when I got a chance.
"This is cute, Jane," Seth smiled as he looked around. There were two cars, shining and clean, sitting in their usual place in front of him.
"Are your parent's home?" Seth asked.
"Thanks for the ride, Seth," I easily ignored him. I had gotten used to ignoring people's questions, and so I barely even noticed it. I opened the door and leaned out.
"Wait!" He called after me.
I stopped, turning towards him.
"I have a question for you," Seth continued after a moment.
I blinked at him. "Okay?"
"You seem to like breakfast a lot. Can I assume that you like dinner just as much?"
No way. No freaking way! There was no way that his perfect, hot man was flirting with me, but from the way that his lip curled above the corner of his sparkling, white teeth and his crazy dimples carved out his very plump cheeks, I realized that he must be.
"That would be an intelligent assumption," I whispered back.
Seth nodded, pressing his lips together. "Dinner?" He asked gently.
I bit the inside of my cheek. "What about dinner?"
Seth's voice was soft. "Jane," He murmured, and I drank in the way that he said my name. I wanted to remember it forever. I never, ever wanted to forget. I wanted to hold it deep in the pits of my mind so that tonight I could replay it over and over and over again when I was lying there fantasizing about Seth instead of sleeping.
"Would you go to dinner with me?" He finished.
I opened my mouth but then closed it again. I wanted to say yes. I so, so, so badly wanted to say yes, but I could not ignore that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that he was only doing this because he wanted something. Maybe he thought that after doing all of this for me I would be an easy lay. Or maybe he wanted something else. With guys one could never tell. Only, the thought of Seth doing that to me made me nauseous.
So, because of that, I swallowed down my excitement and trained my eyes towards the pavement. "Maybe once my eye's better," I replied quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid. I stepped out of my dream-Jeep and then pulled my bag higher up on my shoulder, staring at my feet as I walked the sad, familiar walk up to the front door.
"Wait, Jane!" Seth called.
I almost stopped, I really, really did, but then I remembered what happened the last time, and I was reminded that my life was much too complicated for anyone to ever really stick around, and I stepped inside. I shut the door behind me and decided that I would draw myself a bubble bath as I mourned the romance that I would never be able to have. Perhaps the reason why I couldn't have a grand, elaborate, fairy-tale love story was because I just didn't live the life of one.
I was complicated. Damaged. My life was not easy, and in all of those stories the growing theme was that the woman's life was easy, easy, easy. The hardest part was the Debutant Balls that they did not want to attend. My life could not have been more opposite of that, which is why I just would never be able to experience that.
I turned on the water in the tub and then pulled off my shirt, letting it and the rest of my clothes litter the ground as I walked towards the grand piano that was sitting where it had always sat, right in the center of my living room.
Not for the first time, I smiled as I remembered the memories of my dad coming home, completely complexed with the fact that my mom and I had single-handedly moved every piece of furniture in the entire house to make room for the new, thrifted, baby grand that we came across at an estate sale for 1/10th of the price that this beauty deserved.
I sat down at the bench in my panties and bralette and pulled the seat closer, taking a deep breath at the keys. The familiar, chipped black and white that was much more yellow now calmed me. It made my heart beat slower; I swear it did. I pressed my finger into one of the keys and closed my eyes as the sound rang out through the piano, filling my ears and my entire body. My veins were filled with it; it was like my entire body became it. I couldn't stop. I placed my hands on the keys and let my fingers be possessed by my body, and from the sound that it needed to hear.
Someone once asked me how I was able to play without looking at the keys, and I found that question ridiculous, honestly. I couldn't imagine playing looking at the keys. I couldn't imagine anything driving my movements besides the ache in my chest. I didn't think when I played, I just felt, and suddenly symphonies were created. Suddenly, I was accepted to Julliard. And just as suddenly... my entire world crashed apart.
The song quickly changed to dark and demanding as my mood shifted. I banged into the keys harshly, my teeth gritting and tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I let the pain carry me on, and the darkness that surrounded all of my best work came out in full force.
The sound was overwhelming now. It consumed me. It consumed the room. It echoed. It was dangerous. It was loud and monstrous. It completely dazed me as it filled me from head to toe with emotions and feelings that could only ever come out when I played like this.
I gasped and my fingers slowed, the tears that I had been welling up fell from my eyes onto my cheeks. I cried silently as I played slower now, and slower, and quieter, and quieter. I opened my eyes but I wasn't able to see due to the blur obstructing my vision. My fingers were numb. I was numb.
I pulled my hand away quickly, and I stared straight ahead. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and to demand why the hell this happened and that I hated it I hated it I hated it. I wanted to clutch my chest and fall on the floor and scream until my throat hurt, but I remained silent.
I realized a hell of a long time ago that screaming did not help. Crying did not help. Nothing helped. This helped, but songs never lasted long enough. They always came to an end, and then I was alone again. The silence was too much to bare, and it never got easier.
I gasped, suddenly realizing that I left the water running, and quickly sprinted up the stairs, hoping that I did not flood my bathroom. I had no idea how long I had been playing.
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