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Twenty: Always
Jane's POV
I couldn't sleep that night.
It wasn't that I was scared. Oddly enough, I wasn't scared, not at all. In fact, the more that I kept trying to convince myself to be scared, the more freaked out I got at the mere fact that I wasn't. I knew that I should have felt violated; I was sexually assaulted... I was raped, only, I wasn't, was I? It hadn't felt like I was being raped. I hadn't realized that it wasn't Seth. I never felt fear or panic or pain, not even for a second. That man, that monster, he had tricked, but he was merely a creep; he hadn't hurt me, at least, not in the way that would have left a lasting impression.
So, I wasn't scared. I was just overwhelmed. I felt like my brain was swarming with all the new information that I had learned, only, I couldn't focus in on any one, single fact. It was all flying around, the pieces and parts and new words that I had just learned, but I couldn't dissect them. I couldn't think about any of them without panicking about the other. I had always prided myself on being so rational. Even when I found out my ex was cheating on me, I rationally agreed to take him back because deep down I was terrified that if I didn't have him, I didn't have anything. I couldn't be alone.
Now was different. I was so confused. I had never been so confused in my entire life. What Seth had told me, it wasn't real. I wasn't a believer in those things. Sure, they were magnificent stories, but I had spent my life studying the neurotransmitters of the brain, the passageways and human anatomy; Seth shapeshifting into a wolf wasn't possible. It wasn't real. It wasn't logic. And all I knew was logic.
People lived. They died. They lived and then they died and that was that. But what Seth was trying to tell me went against everything that I had ever thought. Monsters and werewolves, they just didn't exist. Only, they did exist; I had seen them. And the thing was, I didn't know if I wanted to see them again.
I was confusing myself with my own feelings. I had always loved dark romances, action stories that just couldn't be... fairytales, and yet, I was thrust in one, and it wasn't fun. It was scary. It didn't feel like a fairytale at all. A world where monsters in disguises seduced women and men imprinted on women. It wasn't romantic. It was confused, creepy even. It was dark. It wasn't what I would have thought it was.
And so I laid there, staring up at the ceiling. At some point I began running my fingers up and down the center of my necklace, and it was only once my fingers started burning from the constant friction that I realized that I was even doing it at all. I still remembered what Seth had said when he gave it to me, how he had looked at me, his he had stroked my collarbone after the silver had hit my skin there. He hadn't looked at me like he was bound to me by some weird imprinting curse; he had looked at me like he loved me. At least, so I thought.
After not sleeping a mere second, I finally sat up in bed. It was five am, but I wasn't tired. I felt like I wanted to talk about everything, but I also didn't want to talk to anyone, ever again, for a long, long, long time. I hugged my pillow to my chest and sat back against the headboard. I couldn't help it; images of Seth doing this exact same thing on the mornings after he slept over swarmed my mind. But he didn't love me, I kept telling myself. That wasn't love.
I let out a long, deep breath and then finally laid back down in bed, throwing the covers off of me and staring straight up at the ceiling fan. How could I have been so wrong? How had I not seen it? Was I that desperate for love that I misjudged all the warning signs? Would he even care if it wasn't for this imprinting; the truth is, that I know he wouldn't. What kind of man could love someone with dead parents and trust issues galore? I wasn't that good in bed.
I swiped at my face, surprised when I found my skin there dry. I guess it was true that at one point, there really weren't any tears left to cry. I wished that my parents were here. I wished that my mom was; she would know what to say. Surely, she would have convinced me that I needed to talk to him. She hated irrational decisions that weren't adequately thought out before made. She always said that the worst decisions were made at the height of emotions, but what would she say about this? I had a feeling it would be quite different. Nothing about this situation was logical. I barely believed it myself. Only, I had seen Seth staring outside my window. He was in the trees, watching over me, or watching out for me, or watching me because he felt some weird, creepy pull towards me that made it impossible for him to leave. Regardless, he was a wolf then. He had the same eyes, that was how I knew.
Oddly enough, I didn't want Seth to feel bad about what happened. I still wanted to protect him. I still didn't want to hurt him. What was wrong with me? I had made some joke about the window; I wasn't even sure if it was funny, but I just wanted him to know that I didn't hate him. He might not love me, he might have lied to me and tonight might have been brutal, but I loved him, and my feelings were real.
I stood up. My feet made creaks in the hardwood floor below as I took hesitant steps towards the window. Now, I was kind of scared. How could I not be? Those red eyes were scorched into the back of my mind. Part of me worried that when I looked out, I would see them. If everything that I thought was reality, wasn't, what was to say that there wasn't more supernatural to come?
But there weren't any monsters, this time. There wasn't anything. I gulped, and then slowly lowered myself onto the window seat. I peered out of the glass, biting my lip. I didn't know why I was looking for him, but then again, I did. As confused and hurt as I was, I didn't actually want him to go anywhere. Secondly, I kept needing to see it to believe it; after enough time passed, it was easy to convince myself that I was going crazy, and that I hadn't seen what I knew I had.
There was a slight ruffle in the trees, and slowly, oh, so slowly, a figure emerged from the forest lining. It was a wolf- no, it was Seth. His eyes were that same color that had pierced into my soul when he made love to me under the thin covers of my bedsheets. It was undoubtedly Seth, but Seth wasn't Seth. He was a wolf. He was bigger than an average sized wolf, and he looked more human than a normal wolf would have, even though that hardly made sense, even to my own brain as I thought it. He was somehow beautiful.
I rested the side of my head against the window, and then watched him as I rolled my necklace around in my fingers. I closed my eyes, and I unsuccessfully tried to decipher the array of information swarming through every facet of my mind.
The next morning, I woke up with a very stiff neck, and a terrible headache. It took only a few seconds for the events of last night to fill my brain. For a moment, I wondered if it was a dream, but then, I remembered. It wasn't a nightmare. It was real life. I looked out the window. Seth was gone. All it took was to see the shattered window in my living room to fully believe, and then dread seeped in. Honestly, it sucked that Seth lied to me. It hurt me terribly, especially how easily he did it, but that wasn't the worst part. I always wondered why Seth was the way he was; no men were like him, they didn't come as perfect as he always was. Once I realized that it was infatuation, a curse of some sort, one that he had no choice in the matter, it all made much more sense. It still didn't hurt any less.
I was staring at the broken window, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to pay for this, when I heard my phone buzz from upstairs. I continued staring at the window; I wasn't interested in speaking to anyone at the moment. Only, it continued to buzz... five times to be exact. On the sixth, I finally sighed and stomped my way upstairs. To my surprise, Lena's photo ID from the night we had all gone out flashed across my screen.
I immediately reached for it, but my hand hovered above the phone. I hadn't originally even thought about Lena in this situation, but she had known. I know that she had known; she had basically told me that she knew. It was when she laughed at my thinking that Seth was cheating on me. It was ridiculous because Seth's secret wasn't another woman, it was that he transformed into a wolf, his entire tribe did. Suddenly, I was angry with her, too, but even angrier. My anger shocked even myself; she wasn't the one who had consistently lied to me, but she was supposed to be my friend. Wasn't there any type of girl code anymore? Did all best friends just suck?
Finally, I picked it up.
"Hello?" I answered, my voice monotoned.
A beat passed. "Hi," She finally said.
I bit the inside of my cheek.
"So, on a scale of one to ten, how pissed are you exactly at me?"
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. At least she expected me to be angry with her.
"How does an 11 sound?" I finally answered.
"In my defense, I'm not allowed to say anything. Even though I'm the rebel child, I wouldn't put it past Sam to try to kill me. He's tried that with a few others before, if memory serves correctly."
"Lena," I sighed and rubbed my forehead. "I'm not interested in any more confusing stories, okay? I just don't want to talk to anyone right now."
"But don't you have questions?" She pushed.
"Questions?" I couldn't help but laugh. "I wouldn't even know what questions to ask? I'm so confused with everything."
"That's what Embry said," She replied. "I thought we could meet for coffee."
"Coffee," I couldn't help but repeat.
"Unless you want to meet for something else."
I scoffed. "So, what? We're going to meet for a cup of coffee and as I'm sipping my latte you're going to tell me about how my boyfriend's a werewolf and how he did this weird imprint thing on me that made him indebted to me? Come on! This is insane!"
"I know," Lena sighed. "It sounds crazy; I know it does, okay? But it's nothing like you think it is. And imprinting is nothing like you think it is. Please, just let me explain."
"Lena," I began uneasily.
"Come on!" She pushed, "You're Jane Macalister. You can't make a rational decision without knowing all the facts, first. It goes against science!"
I bit the corner of my lip. She knew me too well. "Lena," I replied slowly, "Nothing about this is scientific."
"One coffee," She quipped.
I opened my mouth and then I slammed it closed. I wasn't ready to talk to Seth yet; there were still too many emotions there, I wouldn't be able to think rationally. If I needed answers, and I knew that I did, Lena was the best person for the job right now.
"Fine," I finally conceded. "But just one."
"Perfect," She actually sounded relieved. "There's this little café that my dad used to bring my mom to. It's not too big and there are places we could have some privacy. I'll send you the address."
She hit off before I could even agree.
I stood up. What does one wear to this kind of discussion? I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. I pulled my hair back into a tight ponytail and washed my face. I wasn't a foreigner to pain. I knew that the best way to deal with this was to hold my head up high, even if the weight of it threatened to pull me down under.
A little while later, I walked into the café that Lena had sent me the address to. She was right, it was small, but it was charming in a sense. It had a matt to wipe off my shoes and hang my umbrella, which was necessary because it was pouring outside. I had worn my favorite rain-boots, which were a necessity when one lived in Forks, Washington, but even through those I could feel where my socks had soaked through. I shivered, but I wasn't sure if that was from the rain, the cold, or what I was meeting Lena to talk about.
"Jane!"
I jumped, and then, I looked straight up. There was a small staircase leading up to a tiny overlook at the top of the café. There was a small couch in the corner and then a small table overlooking a window. Lena was already there, and there were already two coffees on the table. I took a deep breath before ascending the ladder towards her. It wasn't like I could back out, now.
"Did you pick this spot just incase I wanted to cut my losses and throw myself off of this landing?" I asked her, only half joking, as I placed my jacket on the back of the seat and sat down.
"That thought definitely crossed my mind," Lena agreed. Her blonde hair was set in perfect curls. She had on a tight, black shirt and a bubble vest, with tight jeans and black lining her eyes.
"I swear you're the only girl in the world that looks hot in a bubble vest."
"You know, if you decide not to forgive Seth," Lena's lips pulled up into a grin. "There's always me."
"Ha, ha," I rolled my eyes, peering out the window. "It's snowing," I stated after a stretch of long silence.
"Yeah," She sighed. "I thought that it was going to be the first Thanksgiving without snow."
I frowned. Was Thanksgiving coming up? I had completely forgotten about it. I guess when someone didn't have a family planning anything, holiday's were easily forgotten. This would be the first Thanksgiving without my parents. At least it wasn't Christmas. I didn't think that there would have been anything sadder in the world than a Christmas without my parents. My distant aunts and uncles already invited me down, but it just wasn't the same.
"So," She finally leaned in, cupping her small cup of coffee. "Do you still want to talk?"
I bit the inside of my cheek and then took a sip. "Do you care?"
"Of course I do," She softened. "I mean, I'm going to talk to you about it, regardless of what you say, but I do want to know your opinion on the matter."
I sighed. "I'm...," I struggled for the right words. "Confused," I finally admitted. "I'm so confused, Lena," I let out a long breath. "I have no idea what to think."
"Let's start with the obvious," She took a sip. "Seth's a werewolf."
I looked around nervously before taking a sip of my own drink. Oddly enough, it made me feel better as the warm liquid slid down my throat. "Seth is a werewolf," I whispered back. It felt odd to say.
"So what do you know about werewolves," She continued.
I raised my eyebrows. "Are you serious?" I blurted after a moment.
"Very," She cocked her head at me.
"Well," I cleared my throat. "All that I know about... werewolves, is what I've read about in books and seen in movies."
"And what are those werewolves like?" She asked.
"Uncontrollable," I thought openly. "Scary, dangerous. They can only phase on the full moon."
"Wrong, wrong, and wrong," Lena sighed. "You know, those movies really do botch them.
"So sorry I don't read the right werewolf stories," I mumbled under my breath.
"Technically, they don't like to call themselves werewolves for that very reason. Yes, they shift into wolves, but they prefer the word 'shape-shifter.' That's before they're able to control themselves. They're not dangerous, only in the beginning, when they first phase, but that's because they don't know how to control it, yet. Their tribe descends from wolves. Those wolves used to protect humans from blood-suckers. Blood-suckers is just another way of saying vampire."
I gasped, leaning in. "Vampire?" I repeated, awestruck. "Those are real, too?"
"Yep," She popped the "p" at the end. "Wanna know something even crazier?"
My mouth dropped. "Crazier than vampires being real?"
She nodded her head enthusiastically, like this was the most exciting, non-terrifying news ever. "You've met one! Well, a half-one."
My eyes widened as my mouth dropped open. "Who?" I breathed.
"Renesmee Black," Her eyes widened in excitement.
"Nessie Black?" I gasped. "No way!"
"She's weird, though. Her mom fell in love with her dad when she was a human and her dad was a vampire. Really fucked up story, that one. Long story short, her mom got pregnant, and they thought she was a demon baby, but she turned out pretty normal as a half-vampire baby."
"So," I struggled with how to ask this. "What does she... eat?"
Lena chuckled. "Nessie can survive on either, I guess. I asked Embry that once, too, and he told me that she preferred to just eat human food."
"That's... good," I thought to myself before speaking. "So, are vampires like werewolves, then? They aren't like from the movies? They're not... bad?"
"Personally," Lena flipped her hair. "I'm not a vampire expert by any means, but from what I understand, traditionally, vampires are bad and werewolves are good, trying to protect people from the vamps. Nessie's family is different because they only drink animal blood, but that's not normal."
"Oh my God," I finally laughed. "Lena, this is, this is- this isn't real!"
She smiled wickedly. "I know, isn't it cool?"
"Cool is one way of looking at it," I responded uneasily.
"So, what was the man that pretended to be Seth? Is he like one of those people from x-man, what are they called again?"
Lena giggled. "No x-man. Good try, though. No, he was a vampire, a blood-sucker if I'm being politically correct. Vampires can have certain talents or gifts, I guess. Like, for instance, Nessie's dad can read people's minds, her mom is a shield or something weird like that, and I'm pretty sure one of them can see the future. Like I said, they're like my adopted grandparents, but my dad was always strict about me staying away from the vampire part of them. I'm no expert."
"Wow," I couldn't help but show my amazement on my face, and from the way that Lena smiled at me, I could tell that she could tell. "So, that... blood-sucker, he had the talent of making himself look like people."
"Whela!" She smiled at me as she took a sip of coffee, her bright blue eyes shining warmly. "You are a genius! Just like Seth always says!"
I shook my head. "This is insane, Lena. Just insane! Do you really believe all of this!" I asked, completely flabbergasted from all this new information.
"Believe it?" She actually looked confused. "There's nothing to believe, Jane" She stated slowly. "It's my life. My dad was a wolf, Embry is one, my adopted grandparents are vampires."
"Wow," I repeated not for the first time. "Just... wow."
"So," Lena gently hit the table and then leaned in. "Now that we've got the easy stuff out of the way, let's talk imprinting."
I moaned. "Let's not."
She giggled. "But haven't I done an amazing job explaining so far?"
I had to give it to her. "Amazing, actually," I sighed. "You're doing ten times better than Jake and five times better than Seth."
"In their defense," She swirled her finger around in the foam. "I think they were a little shocked at the sexual assault that had just happened."
"Would everyone stop saying that?" I mumbled. "He didn't assault me. Yes, it was wrong, but I had no idea what was happening as it was happening. I thought, I mean, it was mutual, okay? It felt good. I don't feel like I got raped or anything."
"That's good," She nodded her head. "I was worried."
"Yeah," I whispered. "But you weren't worried enough to tell me."
Lena winced.
I immediately felt bad, but not bad enough to show the hurt in my eyes as I stared back at her.
"Jane," She sighed. "I couldn't tell you, okay? If it makes it any better, I told Seth that I thought he should tell you from the beginning, and believe me when I say that he wanted to. You have no idea how hard he had to push to be allowed to even tell you this early."
"How is that any of their business?" I shook my head. "Seth and I were in a relationship, why did they have a say in what he told me?"
"Come on, Jane," She widened her eyes. "Probably because of this reaction. For a new relationship, this shit is kind of hard to believe. It's scary and confusing. Seth knew that, and he still wanted to tell you."
"Fine," I sighed. "So, say I believe that there is this weird pack hierarchy rule system in which one has to get permission to tell anyone about them being werewolves. That could be... I mean- I could forgive that, okay? But imprinting. I can't just overlook that. I can't pretend like that's not the only reason he's with me anymore."
"Seriously, Jane?" She raised an eyebrow at me. "The only reason? You think that I would be with Embry if the only reason he wanted to date me was because of some weird werewolf crap?"
I gulped. "I don't know your relationship, Lena," I whispered. "And I'm really not trying to judge it. The only thing that I know, is that I always wondered why Seth was so into me with all of my issues. Here's the reason. He kept saying there wasn't one, but this is obviously it."
"Okay," She sighed. "I'll admit that the imprint did, probably, connect you two initially, and it made him aware of you in a way that he wouldn't have been if he hadn't. But!" She raised a finger before I could interrupt. "All the imprint did was make him aware of who you were. He looked at you and he realized that you were his, not in property, but his person. You were his one. Everything after that was real."
"But how do you know that?" I pushed. "How will anyone ever know?"
"Because," She moaned, followed by a sigh. "Listen. Embry and I had a super ridiculous start to our relationship. Break up, get back together, break up, break up, together, break up, together, together, break up, break up... together. I love him, but he's insensitive sometimes, and he can be blunt, and sometimes he makes jokes when I want to be serious and sometimes those jokes aren't even funny, but I love him for those jokes, anyways. The thing is, if the imprint was what you think it is, than Embry wouldn't do any of that. He wouldn't do anything that upset me, ever. He wouldn't have broken up with me, countless times; he wouldn't make me cry sometimes because he has a little bit of a temper; he wouldn't disagree with me; we wouldn't argue. You're so smart Jane but about this you're so wrong."
I took a while to take in her words. I couldn't help from a sprout of hope growing inside of my chest. What Lena said did make sense, but then, was that just her trying to defend her own relationship? If she didn't believe this, would she be able to be with Embry? Did I believe it? Was I stupid not to? Was I stupid, to?
Finally, I shook my head. I could digest this later. "Didn't you question it?" I finally asked her, when he told you."
Lena laughed just a tiny bit and then nervously bit the corner of her lip. "Ugh, here's the thing, Jane. Imprinting... it has this weird little thing that I should probably tell you, but I'm warning you it comes off as super creepy before you understand it."
I raised my eyebrows. "It isn't already super creepy?" I asked.
"Not even close," She spoke under her breath. "So, werewolves, they- oh, another point, they never age."
I gasped. "They never age?" I looked around, nervous that I was being too loud. Thank God for this spot on the second floor. "What do you mean?" I leaned across the table.
"Well, of course they age," She rolled her eyes. "After they stop phasing. Their bodies just naturally stop after they don't phase for a long period of time. They stop usually once they get married or surpass their wife or girlfriend. It would be kind of awkward if my mom was 50 and my dad was, like, 25."
A puzzle piece clicked into place. "Wait," My eyes widened. "Seth's 20... how long has he been 20?"
Lena gulped. "A long time."
"How long," I demanded.
"Honestly, I'm not sure," Lena held up her hands. "Probably like 20 years or something."
"20 years!" I gasped. "So... he's 40?"
"Technically," She grinned nervously. "Hey, you're dating an older man, Jane! How do ya feel?"
"Ugh," My lips quivered. "Super weird."
"We can talk about the age gap later," She waved her hand. "That's not the creepy part."
"It's not?"
"When they imprint," She ignored me, "It's based on a person, right? So, sometimes, when they meet the person, she isn't, exactly, the right age... yet."
I froze. I leaned back in my seat. I looked for my coat.
"Not like that!" Lena held up her hands. "Please let me explain before you freak out! It's completely platonic! The whole thing about the imprint, is that you're connected, right? He knows that one day you're going to be his in a romantic way, but before that, if she's not old enough, she is going to be his one in non-romantic ways. It's all based on imprint needs; I'm bad on the details, okay? But Embry imprinted on me the first day I was born."
"The day you were born?" I whisper yelled. "Lena! This is crazy! Do you hear yourself right now? Embry met his soulmate as a newborn baby? That's really freaking normal!"
"Soulmate in different ways!" She explained, her voice more frantic now. "Like, you know how some girlfriends call each other their soulmates? But they're not romantically involved? Like that! In the beginning, he was like an older brother. I'd go to him for advice and to learn. Then, he was like a best friend. He was always there for me to talk to, and only after that, when I pursued him, did feelings change for both of us from friends to something more."
"Holy crap," I whispered, leaning back in my chair. "Just- holy crap."
"It's not as creepy as it sounds," She sighed. "I promise. Seriously, I basically had to beg Embry to date me. Sleeping with me was like the biggest event from here to Nantucket. It was so confusing for him to change from seeing me as a little girl to a woman. We stopped talking for a long, long time. He wanted me to have a normal life before I chose to be with him. You see, it's a choice. For the both of us."
"This is unbelievable."
"Any more questions?"
"Ugh... everything," I let out a quick breath. "So, why don't I recap?"
"Sounds like a great idea!" Lena finished the last of her coffee. I suddenly realized that I was neglecting mine, and took a few gulps of the now lukewarm liquid.
"So, I'm dating a shape-shifter, aka werewolf," She nodded enthusiastically. "Who are only here to protect the human race from blood-drinkers, aka vampires,"
"Bloodsuckers," She interrupted me.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "My bad."
She smiled guiltily. "Continue."
"So said werewolf boyfriend hasn't aged since he became a werewolf and won't stop until he decides to and so he's really 40 years old- and that 40 year old imprinted on me, which basically means that he looked at me, realized that I was his soul-mate, felt connected in some way, but you want me to believe that he still loves me and it doesn't change anything."
"Perfect!" She threw up her hands. "I am so fucking good, dude." She flipped her hair for dramatic effect. "I should get paid for this."
I nearly spit out my coffee. "They should have you on speed-dial for every time a girl finds out their boyfriend is a werewolf with an imprinting fetish."
Lena burst out laughing. "I should seriously charge for this!"
My laugher quickly died down. "So," I began uneasily. "Seth," I leaned towards her. "How is he?"
Lena sighed. "Truth or watered-down?"
My heart dropped. "Truth."
"He's miserable," She stated blandly. "He blames himself for what happened the other night and hates himself for hurting you."
I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. "That's not true," I just barely whispered. "It's not his fault."
"Exactly," She smiled. "That's what I told him. He's so worried about you, J. I told him to take a Xanax and let me talk to you. See, now all is well!"
I frowned a little.
Lena raised her one eyebrow. "All is not well?"
"No, Lena," I shook my head. "Thank you for explaining things. I definitely think that I have a better... understanding, now, but that doesn't change everything."
"What's still bothering you?" Lena asked.
I bit the corner of my lip.
"Hey!" Her voice was authoritative, but when I raised my eyes to hers her expression was soft. "I know that we haven't known each other for that long, and I don't' really care if I'm not yours, but you're my best friend. You're the only girlfriend I've ever had. You can tell me anything."
Tears suddenly clouded my vision. I blinked them away, and shook my head at her. "It's easier for you," I finally whispered. "You're beautiful, and driven, and you have a perfect family. It's not hard for you to believe that Embry loves you, but for me. Lena, I'm damaged, okay? I've got a lot of issues and a good amount of emotional damage and it's so hard for me to trust people. Even if I wanted to, I can't just go back to how things were. I can't be with him right now."
Lena frowned. "But don't you want to?" She whispered back.
"Yes," I nearly cried. "Yes, I really, really do." I shook my head. "Honestly, when I'm around Seth I completely forget everything bad that ever happened to me. I want to be able to be with him every day, but I want him to want me that same way, on his own terms. I can't- I can't-," I sighed. "I just can't right now."
Lena opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed her mouth. Finally, she spoke. "Jane, you might have a terrible ex and two dead parents, but you're not the biggest fuck-up that's ever walked this planet, you realize that, right?"
I frowned. "What?"
"I'm sorry to say this so bluntly, but that's just the only way that I say things so here goes: You have a terrible self-image, and it's annoying. You're so hard on yourself! Your parents died and your ex cheated on you, so what? Why would you think that, that makes you unworthy of a great guy?" She sighed, "Listen, my mom's dad left before she was born and her step-dad beat the shit out of her every day for like sixteen years."
My eyes widened at her admission. Scarlett? I couldn't imagine that. She was so... happy.
"Her mother hated her and she had nothing when she met my dad. No one. So, fucking... stop it! Stop thinking that! Because you thinking that just because your parents died and a guy treated you like crap, that you have too much baggage and are unworthy of love, is basically the same as saying that because my mom's step-dad used to use her as a punching bag as her mom watched, makes her unworthy of love, too. And I won't stand for that, okay? Because it's just not true."
"Lena," I began uneasily. "I didn't mean-,"
"I know what you meant," She cut me off. "But you're wrong. So take all the time you need to see that, because you're not lucky, Jane. Seth's lucky." She stood up and reached for her bag. "I've got rehearsal, but I paid the check."
"Lena!"
She peered over her shoulder.
I opened and closed my mouth for a second before finally speaking. "Thank you," I finally spoke.
She smiled just a little bit. "You can send me a check in the mail. Call me if you want to get drunk."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Will do."
She descended the steps, and then I was left alone. I turned to look out the window. Thick, white flecks of snow were falling to the ground now; there was already a thin blanket of snow covering the street. I took a deep breath and then ran my hands over-top of my hair.
Lena's words were still ringing through my head. I immediately differed her opinion; I did not think that I was unworthy of love. The thought alone was preposterous. Totally untrue. Stupid, even. Only... I couldn't stop the nagging voice in the back of my head, wondering if I did think that, after all.
One week later...
Seth's POV
Jane hasn't called. She hasn't called or shown up or sought me out in six days.
I felt like I was dying.
I wasn't moping around like some of the others had done before. That seemed so selfish. I wasn't miserable about her not speaking to me, I was miserable because I knew that she was hurting, and because I didn't have the chance to take her pain away. Jane didn't deserve any more pain for the rest of her life, and it killed me that my life, my secrets, my enemies, are the ones that hurt her the most.
I knew about Lena's talk with her. She told me it went really well, and I couldn't thank her enough for it, really. She told me that Jane might take some time now, especially after she explained everything, but I was beginning to wonder if this was going to be the first time in history that an imprint didn't end up with the imprintee. It was her choice, after all; I would never take that away from her. I wanted to respect her enough to give her time, but it killed me not knowing what she was thinking.
I lived for the nights when I got to lurk in the shadows behind her house. Shadows would dance across her bedroom window; always her, and her alone. It was always a relief, followed by a pang of sadness at the fact that she was all alone in that giant house. There were a few times that made me still believe, and those were the moments when she would slowly walk towards her window, and peer out for me. I'd wait just a moment to emerge, because I would want to look at her for just a little while longer, as long as I possibly could. I'd walk out, slowly, as to not scare her, and then she'd smile, just a little bit, or hold my eye contact for a while too long, her eyes softening. I could read her like a book. She didn't seem angry with me, but still... she hadn't called.
The day after everything imploded; the day after the night that the vampire assaulted Jane, I sent a window repair company to her house to fix the window. I already covered the cost, and I wasn't expecting a thank you in any way, but I had to admit that a small part of me was surprised when I didn't hear from her. But I was determined to respect her enough to give her the time that she needed right now. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Thanksgiving was a week away. The thought of Jane spending it alone was heartbreaking, but I knew that I shouldn't push her. She had just been through something so traumatizing, I had no idea how long it was going to take her. In fact, I was lying in bed, thinking this exact thing, about to leave to go on my nightly duty spent hiding in the woods behind Jane's house, when she texted me for the first time in an entire week.
My entire body froze. I stared at the phone for a moment, blinking my eyes together, wanting to be sure that this wasn't just wishful thinking. Slowly, I reached for my phone. I looked at the letters that created her name, and then I couldn't help but get a stabbing of longing once I looked at the picture of her beside that name. Jane had her head cocked and tongue sticking out the side of her mouth. She had insisted on setting it; we had laughed about it. I had been shocked at how she still looked attractive while doing that. Jane had blushed.
I opened her message.
Are you already behind my house? She asked.
My fingers hovered above the screen. I had so much I wanted to say, but this was at Jane's pace. I took a deep breath, and swallowed down the words that were threatening to come out.
Not yet.
Her response was instantaneous. Good. I'm outside.
I jumped up. Outside? Outside? Did she mean outside her house or outside my apartment. Surely, she wasn't here. Was she here? Holy shit. I didn't care that it was completely humiliating to the last shreds of my pride as I jumped out of bed and sprinted towards my front door. I pulled it open, and sure enough, Jane, my Jane, was standing right on the other side.
She jumped just a little bit when she saw me, but then, almost immediately, her face softened. She smiled just a little bit. Her eyes were guarded, more guarded than I was used to, but her features were kind and soft. Her beautiful, beautiful hair was left natural, a sexy, tangled mess of golden perfection shining down her back. Her cheeks were pink and her lips were red, her eyes were wide, like a doll's eyes, and her freckles were even more pronounced than usual, which I really liked. She had on... well, I couldn't tell what she had on, because it was covered by a giant, black, puffy coat, and a pair of tall, black boots. She had a red scarf covering her neck, too. This last week, it had switched from gloomy and chilly to full-on winter. She was probably still freezing, even under all those layers.
"Hi," She whispered, and just then, I realized that I was staring.
"Hi!" I finally realized how to speak. "Come in! It's freezing!"
"Thanks," She chuckled, stepping inside of my apartment. I closed the door behind her, and she ran her fingers through her hair nervously. I pressed my back against the door and gulped. I hated how awkard this was. I just wanted to give her a hug.
"So, ugh," Jane pressed her lips together. "I brought ice cream. Sorry, I forgot about the weather."
My eyes widened in shock. "Really?" I asked.
Jane smiled gently and then nodded her head.
"Well," I stood up straighter. "I think that ice cream is a year-round soft of food, so you don't need to apologize."
"That's what I think, too," She whispered, her voice as sweet as honey.
"Come on, Janesie," I told her. I watched her face fall, and I immediately slammed my mouth shut. I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry," I told her. "Habit."
Jane nodded her head, peering down towards her shoes. "I just wanted to come by and explain myself," She finally spoke. "I feel like you deserve an explination."
I gulped. "I don't deserve anything, Jane. Please, just- I just want you to do what's best for you."
She let out a long breath. "I know," She whispered. God, Jane was so beautiful. "I just, still think you deserve... something."
A small stretch of silence passed. Finally, I decided to break the invisible wall between us, and I slowly walked towards her. Jane lifted her eyes, and I noticed them widen as I came closer. She didn't seem scared of me, but it was only almost a week ago when a man who looked like me tricked her into having sex with him. I knew that I needed to be cautious. I slowly reached for the ice cream bag in her hands, and then I smiled gently at her.
"How about I make each of us a bowl?"
Jane's lips slowly pulled into an honest smile. Holy God, that was so refreshing.
"Thank you," She murmured. As I walked into the kitchen, I noticed her stripping off her coat and scarf on the way to the kitchen. Jane slipped off her boots, and was now in her fuzzy socks, which was just so adorable I had to hide my smile. It made me feel like she was comfortable in my space again. It made me feel happy for the first time since all this went down.
I scooped each of us a bowl filled with ice cream, and then walked it to the couch, where Jane was already sitting. I handed her a bowl. She smiled and thanked me sweetly, but what other response did I ever, really expect.
"So," I sat down on the couch next to her, close enough to feel her presense, but not as close as I wanted to be.
"So," Jane twirled her spoon in her bowl before letting it go. She sighed and pulled her bowl down. I realized she wasn't hungry.
"Thanks for the window," She started.
"Jane," I closed my eyes. "Stop it."
She quieted. "That was really nice," She murmured. "One less thing for me to worry about."
I couldn't help myself. I reached out, and I brushed the hair out of her eyes. Jane's eyes immediately flashed up to mine, the beautiful, bright hazel practically seeping into my soul. She was so beautiful. I placed her hair behind her ear and then couldn't help but brush the back of my fingers across her cheek.
"Sorry," I whispered, pulling my hand away.
"No," Jane smiled at me, her eyes watering. "No, Seth. Don't be."
I softened towards her. "How are you, Jane?" I finally asked. "Are you oaky?"
She took a deep breath. "I'm okay," She murmured. "I've been catching up in all of my classes. I kind of got a little behind, but now I'm up to date."
"I'm glad," I told her gently.
"It's been nice," Jane agreed, nodding her head. "It's been nice and quiet. A good environment to think."
I nodded my head. "Have you been playing?"
Jane suddenly appeared a tad uncomfortable. "No," She finally whispered after a long beat of silence.
I frowned. "Why not?" I asked her gently.
She bit the inside of her cheek as she thought, and I suddenly noticed her rolling her necklace, the same one that I got her that night at the cabin, between her two fingers. The sight gave me so much hope.
Jane set her bowl on the coffee table and then sat up, leaning closer to me. "Do you think that I don't think I deserve to be happy?"
My lips parted. I frowned. "Do I think that?" I asked, shocked by her question.
Jane nodded her head. Her eyes were so searching, so innocent; I could tell how badly she wanted my answer.
"Ugh," I rubbed my jaw. "No," I told her. "I don't think you think that, Jane. I think that sometimes you think that you're less deserving than other people, but I don't think that."
She sighed. "That's what Lena said."
I leaned towards her. This was real talking; I couldn't believe it was actually happening, but I also never wanted it to end. "She did?" I gently prodded.
Jane nodded. "I've been doing a lot of thinking about that."
"Just that?" I whispered to her.
Jane lifted her eyes, and then she smiled just a tiny bit. "I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry about staying away from you for so long. I'm not avoiding you, or trying to hurt you; I'm really not. I'm just... I'm trying to figure myself out, I guess. And I just need some more... time."
My entire being softened at her honesty. "Jane, you can take all the time you need," I told her gently. "I just, I don't want you still questioning how I feel about you. I love you, Jane. The real love. And I'll wait for you as long as you need me to."
She smiled and then dropped her eyes to the couch. "I think that's what I'm trying to figure out, right now. I just- I don't really believe you," My face fell. "But I'm beginning to think that, that may be because of how I think about myself, and not how you think about me."
I smiled at her, and then I watched her eyes to gauge her reaction to my next question. "You're not scared of me?"
Jane's entire being softened. She sat up on her knees and then moved closer to me. "No, Seth!" Her eyes softened. "Of course I'm not scared of you." I touched her cheek, not able to help myself, and immediately she covered my hand with her own. "Seth," Her eyes were close to mine, her face close to my own. "What happened wasn't your fault. Do you hear me?"
I couldn't help a lump from forming in my throat.
I nodded.
Jane frowned, she leaned in closer to me. "Pinkie swear you don't think it's your fault, right now."
I laughed; I couldn't help myself. Jane giggled, and then, with a sigh, I held out my pinkie. Even if I didn't completely believe it, I was willing to think it if Jane needed me to. Our fingers slowed, and suddenly we both realized how close we were to each other. Jane's eyes dipped to my lips; it was like she couldn't help it. All I wanted in the entire world was to reach for her face and kiss the living daylights out of her. Here she was, my Jane. I loved her more than life itself, but because I loved her that much, I didn't do what I wanted. I did what she needed.
"I think your ice cream's melting," I whispered.
Jane pulled back, a blush formed on her cheeks, and then she reached for the bowl. "Woops," She sighed, and then took a big bite. We ate in silence for a moment until she spoke again. "So," Her voice was small. "You're still going to be there, outside my window, every night, right?"
I smiled easily at her. "I'll be there forever, Jane."
Jane's face dropped. "Please don't go."
Her voice quivered, and her eyes watered. I knew what she was asking of me, even without her having to say it. I put my bowl down and I reached for her face. I gently cupped her face in my hands and brushed my thumbs against her soft, beautiful cheeks.
"I'm not going anywhere, Jane," I whispered to her gently.
Jane's face dropped and her expression contorted into something pained as she nodded her head at the couch cushions. I kissed her forehead gently, and then, she was the one to let herself fall against my chest. She grabbed a fist-full of the fabric of my shirt, and I just held her. I would always hold her, even if she wasn't staying. Even if she needed time to heal, or space to figure things out.
I would always hold her, just like, even now, she would always grab a fist-full of my shirt, and hold on so tightly, like she was holding onto me for dear life.
I hope you all liked this chapter! There is a lot of healing and soul-searching left for Jane to find. What does everyone think is going to happen next?
