Chapter 2: Tatsumi React Accordingly
"I didn't know they were… well… together…" Hisoka said awkwardly, trying to hide his nervousness as he discussed that particular subject. He was sitting in Watari's lab, his chest against the back supporter of a red office chair, idly watching 001 and 002 move around.
"Ah, bon. No wonder you didn't know – you can't even say the words out loud," Watari teased, watching the young man's face contrasting with anger.
"Don't call me that!" Hisoka screamed, closing his eyes and clenching his fists, hearing Watari laugh. "And besides, you didn't know either," he said accusingly.
The laughter died on Watari's lips. The truth was that he thought Tatsumi would have given up on Tsuzuki for Hisoka's sake, and therefore was not looking for it. After all, Tatsumi always said that Hisoka was the best thing that happened to Tsuzuki, and that Tsuzuki deserved to be happy.
"What they do with their free time is none of my business, nor is it yours. If they want to spend their time together I can only wish them happiness," the blond said dismissively, turning to his computer and absent-mindedly mixing something green without revealing any of his thoughts.
Hisoka rearrange himself in the chair and tried to imagine the closed, stern secretary and his free, candy-loving and untidy partner together. Somehow it seemed like invading their privacy. Like Watari had said – it was none of their business.
Said Watari was now diving under the table once he noticed that the green solution in the glass he was mixing was beginning to boil for some unknown reason, and Hisoka closed his eyes. Soon enough, a small explosion sound was heard and Hisoka opened his eyes just in time to catch the only surviving pan that went flying in his direction. He caught it and toyed with it while Watari examined the damage and muttered agitatedly something about budgets and a raise.
"How did they defeat those demons anyway? Was it because they… well… feel so strongly towards each other?" Hisoka asked once Watari has calmed down a bit. The blond turned to look at him, a smile playing on his lips.
"As noble as that idea is, their feelings had little to do with actually defeating those demons. Perhaps give them a motive, but nothing more. You see, when the disembodied demon was about to enter Tstaumi, it was about to enter a willing victim. The humans those demons possessed doesn't have the strength a Shinigami have and therefore could not resist being taken over. If a Shinigami was fighting against that disembodied demon they would both be dead, but Tatsumi was willing and the disembodied demon was half in already when Tsuzuki stormed in. The fool's luck played him well, because he was not a willing victim and had to absorb and fight only half the disembodied demon, because the other half was already in Tatsumi. The demon was torn. It was pushed away by Tsuzuki, and then by Tatsumi as he tried to fight it for long enough to push Tsuzuki away. It was weak and could not hold onto any of the bodies. Because it was split between two bodies none of them died, only got seriously drained," Watari explained patiently.
Hisoka seemed to consider the matter. "I guess it must be exciting to know someone was willing to do all that for you," he mussed eventually.
"Yes, it is… or it can be, if Tatsumi would refrain from being the idiot he can sometimes be," Watari argues, a disturbed look crossing his eyes.
He had a good reason to be worried. It's been a week since the incident, and Tstaumi had made a full recovery in only two days. He had returned to his work soon after, declining the offer to take a vacation and collect himself. He hadn't once been to the hospital wing to visit the still unconscious Tsuzuki, and his eyes turned cold and emotionless whenever Watari had asked about the two of them.
It disturbed Watari greatly, and he was even more worried when he noted the bags under the blue eyes, a sign that the secretary was not sleeping well.
Of course he couldn't know that Tatsumi was not sleeping at all after the first couple of nights when all he could dream of was consuming darkness or erotic scenes from nights spend with Tsuzuki.
"Why would Tstaumi act foolishly now?" Hisoka asked with confusion, and startled Watari out of his thoughts.
Watari knew the tortured man's secrets as well as the reason to why he had arrived to Meifu. He also knew why Tatsumi pulled out of the partnership with Tsuzuki – he loved him too much to be able to handle all of Tsuzuki's pain. He couldn't imagine what it took Tsuzuki to persuade Tatsumi into this romance, but he hoped that Tatsumi would remember his feelings for him and have the brains not to leave Tsuzuki once more. It was not something either man could deal with now.
He suddenly remembered what had him thinking of that topic, and laughed to distract Hisoka from getting an answer from him.
"You still can't say it, can you? Tatsumi and Tsuzuki are lovers. They love each other. The concept seems to embarrass you greatly and I wonder why that is. Do you have someone in mind?" Watari asked teasingly, watching the young empath turning scarlet red. He laughed again. "Ai, bon," he shook his head while Hisoka jumped to his feet.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
"…Which, by the sound of it, was your idea. How like you to offer such a thing." Tsuzuki finished his sentence about the time he was finished with Tatsumi's pants and Tstaumi was finding it hard to concentrate long enough for a coherent replay. He was too busy watching Tsuzuki reach for the shirt, his naked body a feast to his eyes.
Being dressed by Tsuzuki was rated 4 in Tatsumi's most favorite things list, right after kissing Tsuzuki, making love to Tsuzuki, and waking up in the morning to the tangle of limbs that was Tsuzuki and him.
Tsuzuki always took extra care to dress him like Tatsumi would dress himself, eager to please him and enjoying teasing him to the brink of madness.
"Obviously Konoe would think it's a good idea but I wonder what Watari would have to say in the matter. It seemed like something he would be most passionate about," Tsuzuki got both of Tatsumi's arms through the white button-up's sleeves and was now bending in front of him to start doing the buttons. He managed to do only one before the temptation was too great for him to resist and he placed both hands on Tatsumi's waist, fusing his mouth to Tatsumi's warm abdomen, circling his navel and then thrusting his tongue in, making Tatsumi moan. It was so like him – talking about casual matters while driving Tatsumi mad with arousal.
Eventually, when Tatsumi thought he couldn't take it any longer without doing something, his torturous lover decided he had had enough for the time being and resumed doing the shirt's buttons. To his credit he was concentrating, stopping only to bite at a nipple and lick a purplish love mark before he was done.
He was gone for a short minute and returned holding a blue tie in his hands. It was probably the first he could find. He started doing its knots unsuccessfully. There was a reason why Tsuzuki's ties were always sloppily tied, and eventually Tatsumi had to gently push him away to finish the job.
"You never learn," he said affectionately, tracing his finger over his lover's lips absently.
Tsuzuki nipped at the finger to get his attention, and when he was sure he had it he took the finger into his mouth deliberately. He wrapped his tongue around it and licked at the length of it, grazing his teeth lightly over the skin as he took it further inside. He looked at Tstaumi the entire time, watching the other man swallowing heavily but never breaking the gaze. Tsuzuki smiled – as best as he could in his current state – and licked at the pad of the finger before starting to suckle in earnest. Closing his eyes, he could only hear Tatsumi groan at the sight and the thought of that skilled tongue on other places of his body.
Tatsumi growled with desire, slipping his finger out of Tsuzuki's mouth and pushing the other man unceremoniously on a chair. He took the cloths off of himself without even considering the care Tsuzuki took to put them on.
The next moment Tatsumi was kissing Tsuzuki roughly, smashing his lips against Tsuzuki's and drinking in his moans and cries. They parted, looking at each other with darkened eyes. Tatsumi looked at the deep purple of Tsuzuki's eyes and felt like ravishing his beautiful lover and worship him like the first time they made love.
He caressed Tsuzuki's kiss-bruised lips, coating his finger with their mixed saliva still shining there, and stroked that finger over Tsuzuki's nipple harshly. When Tsuzuki's mouth opened to cry out he lashed his tongue inside, parting those amazing lips further and sucking the breathe out of him before letting him go.
Tatsumi fell to his knees in front of Tsuzuki, both breathing harshly.
"I thought you were… in a hurry to… get… to the office," Tsuzuki said, out of breath but still teasing.
"Oh, I can be very fast when I want to," Tatsumi assured him and parted his knees forcefully, making him moan wildly.
Tsuzuki held tightly to the chair, his eyes tightly closed when Tatsumi scraped his nails over the sensitive skin of his thighs.
Throwing his head back, Tsuzuki moaned…
Tsuzuki moaned.
Tatsumi woke with a start. He looked down at the paper on which he'd fell asleep and saw the scribbled beginning of a sentence gradually turning into a meaningless line. He was at the office, yet the lights were out. One look at the clock told him why: It was 3 AM.
He's sleepless nights have finally taken their toll on him and he had fallen asleep during office time. The others were too reluctant to wake him up, fearing he wouldn't go back to sleep afterwards, that they simply left him be. A good soul placed a blanket on his shoulders at nightfall.
But what had made him wake up?
He looked up to see a hospital-gown-clad Tsuzuki fainting in front of his desk.
He was there in a heartbeat, catching the weaker man before he hit the cold hard floor. He stood in the deserted office holding an unconscious Tsuzuki in his arms. The very last situation he wanted to be in.
However he couldn't leave him there and, wanting to be all business-like, there was only one thing he could do. He heaved Tsuzuki in his arms and made it for the hospital wing, his chest tightening at the thought that this would be the last time he would ever feel their bodies flushed like that, warm against each other.
He walked towards the untidy bed at the sterile hospital wing and gingerly placed his charge on it, steeling himself and turning to walk away. He would not even look one last time at what he was leaving behind. He had no need to – that magnificent face would forever be in his mind. Yet it was so much harder then he thought it would be, even so much harder then dying for him. It hurt.
His ragged breathing was not enough to supply his body with the needed oxygen and he was beginning to feel dizzy. He reached for the door-frame to regain balance once more.
'I must leave. Now or I won't be able to do so again. He'll be fine, but I must leave now,' he told himself harshly, and was about to do so.
"Hey there…" a hoarse voice from behind him was saying. Run, his mind screamed at him. RUN. But instead he turned around to face Tsuzuki.
Tsuzuki smiled at him broadly, even if weakly, holding up his hand in invitation. "I'm awake now," he announced, his voice suggestive. Tatsumi felt his stomach clench.
"Go back to sleep. You'll need it," Tatsumi said fiercely, turning to leave once more. So much harder.
"But… Wait! Why won't you stay with me?" Tsuzuki's voice was confused and hurt. "Why… Why won't you even look at me?" Tatsumi turned just in time to see him sitting up, uncovered feet dangling child-like from the edge of the bed. He had the urge to go and cover them up, tuck his former lover back in bed. He looked at the window instead, wondering what to say. Nothing came to his mind, as if it had mysteriously emptied itself when it came to that particular area.
"Are you alright?" Tsuzuki was asking uncertainly.
"We should not be seeing each other anymore," it was as if someone else was talking because the words just left his mouth without him meaning them to. He realized what he was saying just a second too late.
Damn! He didn't know that to say but anything would've been batter that that. He wasn't planning on saying it directly. He planned to keep a distance and allow their relationship to cool down a little, hoping Tsuzuki would take the hint. Now he was going to have to find a way of getting off the hook without it looking suspicious. Tsuzuki usually saw right through him and tended to act foolishly and against all reason when it came to his own feelings.
Only now Tsuzuki was looking pale and run-down, like the words were lashing at his skin.
"W…" he gulped, "why?" he asked, visibly trying to stop himself from shaking at the words.
Oh, gods. He should have run from the start, while he still had the chance. Now Tsuzuki was asking him why. Does he still feel the need to ask? On the other hand, Tsuzuki could be thick about certain things.
Perhaps he could use Tsuzuki's shock and guilt to his advantage to keep him from asking anything else, though it pained him to break this abused man's trust thus.
"Because you are reckless, Tsuzuki-san," the formal addressing was in the hope of adding further distance to his words. "Let's face it – you can't even go home without getting yourself into trouble. I cannot always come to your rescue, nor can I always sit in the office doing nothing except worrying about you and wondering wheatear you're okay every time you're on a mission. I cannot change you, and it's not my place to either. So it's for my own sake that I must cut it now. Recent events proved to be too much for me. All that is left to say is get well soon and remember that I'm still your peer, even if not your lover."
He had a very bad feeling when he finished his speech. If he was able to, he would have said he hadn't enjoyed their time together, that there was really no love in him for the other man. Only he couldn't and so he settled on that instead. Besides, wasn't it true? He really couldn't face the guilt that coursed inside of him, the coward man that he was. Hisoka would probably take batter care of Tsuzuki. He had believed in that ever since he saw for himself the bond between the two.
Throughout his speech the expression on Tsuzuki's face changed from hurt to confusion, and then to deep fury. Tatsumi had seen Tsuzuki mad before. In the rare occasions it was never a pleasant sight. His purple, dilated eyes burned like coals as he glared at Tatsumi, his nostrils white and flaring and his lips thinned. There was an aura of power around him that made the hair on the back of Tatsumi's neck stand on edge. It was like a slap in the face, suddenly understanding why this man is the most powerful Shinigami the summons division had.
"Get well, Tsuzuki-san," Tatsumi told him sorrowfully, and turned to leave. That expression on Tsuzuki's face would haunt Tatsumi whenever he would close his eyes, he knew for sure.
He was at the door again when he heard Tsuzuki clapping his hands together four times, a pause between each clap. "That was a smart strategy to use on me, trying to turn the tables on me," Tsuzuki murmured softly, almost as if talking to a frightened child. Tatsumi could hear rustling sounds from behind him but didn't dare to turn around.
The next moment there was a loud explosion sound and the hospital's southern wall blew into pieces, raining dust and broken stone at the corridor outside. Scorching waves of heat were hitting Tatsumi, burning his already rapidly healing skin. It healed so fast he almost didn't feel the pain, but it was enough of an unpleasant sensation to snap him out of his shock.
He turned around to face Tsuzuki, only to find him standing beside his bed, his right hand still outstretched after casting his charm. His eyes were gleaming dangerously as he met Tatsumi's shocked and angry gaze.
"Do I look like a child?" Tsuzuki asked quietly, only it was the calm before the storm. He spread his arms to his sides, forcing the hospital gown to stretch across his broad chest.
Tatsumi gulped, still shocked speechless at the unexpected attack. Only when Tsuzuki pierced him with an angry glare did he managed to force a nod, shaking his head from side to side slowly, and not breaking eye contact.
"Good," Tsuzuki snapped, almost as if this wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. "Does it look like I can't protect myself?" he asked again, pointing at the ruins of what was once the hospital wall. Again, Tatsumi could only nod. From the tone of things he wasn't likely to enjoy what was about to come.
"If I'm no child nor defenseless, why are you treating me as such?" Tsuzuki asked again, angry and hurt. The pain was so raw inside of Tatsumi that he had to face away from Tsuzuki so as not to see his eyes as well as hearing his voice.
"I know why you're doing this," Tsuzuki called accusingly as his back, and he wanted to cry. "You're trying to keep away from me because you think you're endangering me, aren't you? You think I'm not happy with you anymore," Tsuzuki's voice trailed off, as if he's considering whether he should carry on.
"You thing I'm like your mother whom you loved and caused sorrow to," Tsuzuki said into the silence.
Tatsumi felt torn. How easy was he? Were his emotions that obvious? Also, he couldn't lie to himself – so far Tsuzuki hadn't said anything that wasn't true, and that hurt. His back went rigid with the effort to pull himself together again. At least Tsuzuki couldn't see him…
"You're trying to protect me, to keep from hurting me. You think it'll be for the best if you stay away from me and wouldn't cause me any further pain."
Each and every word stung, because it was the bitter truth. Tatsumi felt drained of his powers, but he couldn't stop from turning around and facing Tsuzuki again. He hadn't the energy to deny the words.
When Tatsumi turned around to face him, Tsuzuki looked pale and taken aback. So, Tatsumi looked that bad, did he?
"And isn't it so?" Tatsumi replayed warily.
"NO!" Tsuzuki answered quickly. "Don't you see that by pulling away you cause me more sorrow then every possible danger I'll be in because I'm with you? I'm not defenseless and I would…" he fell silent suddenly, going even paler then before. The eyes that were lifted to look at Tatsumi were tortured and pained, but also sincere and determined. "I would undergo all that I had in life, if I'll have your love by my side," he choked on the words and looked away as quickly as possible.
Tatsumi swallowed hard at the words. Saying such a thing was a declaration of love, one that is louder then dying for someone. Louder then any action could, considering what Tsuzuki's life's been like.
Tsuzuki was pale and panting for breath, but still able to move and stand closer. He stumbled, though, and reached blindly for Tatsumi for support, exhaling shallowly. He was obviously at the end of his powers and Tatsumi caught him without even thinking about it. Tsuzuki held onto him like holding for his life. His body was shaking so badly Tatsumi had to struggle to prevent him from slipping to the floor.
"You are not that boy anymore, and I'm not your mother. You can't kill me like you killed her," Tsuzuki whispered in his ear weakly once he was recovered enough to speak, his breath ghosting over Tatsumi's sensitive skin. "I'd face whatever danger and still be with you," he added trustingly, and Tatsumi felt his gut turn.
He wrenched Tsuzuki away, holding him at arm length and looking desperately into his eyes as if trying to force him to understand.
"But I am that boy, Tsuzuki! I'm the same boy I once was, only in an adult's body… I am that… Murderer... And being with me would only lead to further pain!" he said pleadingly. "And you've been through so much already…" His voice choked and faded away as he turned his back on Tsuzuki once more. How many times would he collect himself only to be shattered again tonight?
Tsuzuki quickly flushed himself against Tatsumi's back, holding him from behind. "But there's more then pain. There's also joy! That's why I don't mind!" his voice was luring and coaxing.
"But I do! I do mind! Do you think I could live with myself knowing I've caused you pain?" Tatsumi shouted brokenly, turning to face Tsuzuki again. He was shaking so hard his glasses slipped down the bridge of his nose. "For heaven's sake Asato, I'm not that strong!" his voice was a desperate whisper as he looked down.
"But you are! And you're causing me pain right now by leaving me!" Tsuzuki argued fiercely. Tatsumi reached his hand, caressing Tsuzuki's cheek.
"The pain will be greater if you stayed with me," he told Tsuzuki sadly, gentle and subdued, a contrast to his previous outburst. Tsuzuki jerked away from the caressing hand violently, his eyes ablaze.
"No it won't! The pain is greater now!" Tsuzuki was on the verge of tears and it was heard in his voice.
"It'll pass," the replay was hollow, flat and empty of emotions. Tatsumi didn't dare look Tsuzuki in the eye.
"It will not! How would it feel to have me pulling away from you when you'll need me the most!? How would it feel to you, Seii?" Tsuzuki cried at him, but the words echoed from different lips in Tatsumi's mind.
"…How would it feel to have my brother's soul inside the body you love to worship every night?" the demon was enjoying himself thoroughly. "Seii?"
Tatsumi felt the blood draining from his face. The recollection was horrible, the mere thought of the demons, of his nearly-but-not-quite failure and the possible consequences of it for Tsuzuki, were still haunting every corner of his mind. The thought of such evil touching Tsuzuki and toying with him felt like a kick in the gut. He was seeing black in front of his eyes, the result of exhaustion and tension and poor emotional state.
Tsuzuki must have guest what the words reminded him of because suddenly long arms were holding him and soothing words were whispered in his ear, endearments and vows.
"No…" Tatsumi gasped, trying weakly to pull away from Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki merely tighten his grip, and was the stronger of them even as weak as he was.
"Don't fight me Seii," Tsuzuki whispered in his ear softly. "We've fought enough."
Tatsumi found his arms around Tsuzuki, holding him as if drowning, his head on Tsuzuki's shoulder. He couldn't let go.
Guilt was a shadow Tatsumi learned to live with. It was always there so he had no choice. This would only turn into something more he would have to live with, another burden to carry and repay for.
As he sat down and pulled a rapidly weakening Tsuzuki into his lap he knew that it would never be the same. Deep inside, in that place not even Tsuzuki could reach, something unyielding formed, hard and persistent, so that every time he would hold Tsuzuki he'll remember his weakness, his shame and his guilt.
END
A/N:
Bon: Literally, boy. Watari like to call Hisoka that, much to Hisoka's annoyance.
001 & 002: The anime shows us only 003, Watari's owl pet. He has, however, two other pets he keeps in his laboratory, and those are 001 (toucan) ans 002 (penguin).
Also, for those of you anime fans who are confused, the reason Tatsumi chose to become a Shinigami instead of carrying on is that his mother was a well-born woman who constantly grieved despite Tatsumi's attempts to take care of her. Tatsumi eventually killed her (or at least blames himself for her death), and the crime still haunts him. Tsuzuki reminds him of her.
