Chapter 13. Equals
Love will find a way
through paths
where wolves
fear to prey
- Lord Byron
Now, now that I realize how little time we were to have in the future— a menagerie of stolen moments— I look back on that uninterrupted time in the Lake Country with waves of nostalgia. There was not yet a war separating us, inflicting its damage on both our spirits and our marriage. No Tusken Raider village had met with his rage. His mother's pain was acute, but as yet still a nightmare that only became reality in his sleep. We were two souls trying to find our own form of peace and happiness. We didn't know a galaxy was falling down around us beyond our shady mountains.
I know I look back on that time and romanticize it into something more than it actually was. There were bumps in our courtship's navigation— even soulmates have to find their rhythm before they can dance to it. I was grieving Cordé still; there was the fear and worry for my staff, my friends, and my family being in danger on my account. A shadow lingered over us from the possibility the mastermind behind it all might find us and finish the job. Yet I cannot help but look back with longing. The past is all I have left.
I didn't have to see my temple to know it was crimson. I'd been rubbing my forehead so vigorously that I was surprised there was still skin to knead.
The tiles of my second-floor bedroom endured my heels as I paced back and forth. Guilt from what happened on the terrace shred at my insides, twisting them like clothes strung on a mess of barbed wire. The flowing train of my dress trailed after me with dramatic flourish as I spun every time I came to a wall and ran out of stomping space. I nearly knocked over more than one of my suitcases, which someone had kindly carried in.
The disapproving faces of Obi-Wan, of Naboo's leadership, the chancellor, even of Master Yoda haunted my vision whether I kept my eyes open or clamped them shut. I completely took the on burden of guilt. Anakin was the younger. He was nineteen just about to turn twenty; I had recently turned twenty-four. True, the difference didn't feel as significant as the gap I'd felt between us at nine and fourteen— especially when he seemed to want to do everything he could to show me exactly how grown up he was.
"But I should know better," I muttered under my breath. What am I doing?
My toe accidentally kicked one of the luggage boxes as I stormed past it. It tipped over with dramatic slowness, as if stunned and offended by my carelessness. The sight of the case made me remember the one I'd left behind in Theed. I could so clearly picture the box, now shrouded in the darkness provided by a closed closet door. It may as well have been on Coruscant for all the good my abandonment of it did me.
Why didn't I bring the modest clothes? I had them in my hands! Now I was left with Dormé's picks and a small offering of my original ones. If we stayed here that long, I'd run through my selections in two days.
A weighted breath escaped me as I bent over and straightened the indignant suitcase. Then I resumed pacing from one side of the room to the other.
{No. I shouldn't have done that.}
The way I'd delivered the words sounded detached and almost cruel to my remembering ears. I'd said them like I'd taken a wrong turn driving a speeder. Instantly aloof and superior— Amidala through and through. The fact that his very first instinct was to apologize made my heart ache.
My hands were turning red from wringing them so much. Wary of the grooves I might be soon cause in the floor, I sunk on to more so than sat on the edge of the bed. My ribs felt like heavy bars in my chest as I let out a long, weary sigh.
Things would be so much simpler if I hadn't enjoyed the kiss so much.
If Anakin had taken the kiss without giving me a chance to object, I would be sitting here upset at his behavior rather than mine. However, there had been no boorish grabbing of my waist and pulling me to him like I was a wrestling flower in the sordid holonovels. We were in this position because I'd wanted to kiss him, too. I just didn't realize how much until I was standing in the middle of the eye-catching Lake Country and all I could see was him.
I'd had plenty of opportunity to stop Anakin— and not just at the terrace when he was inching towards me. I should have been the mature one in the room, and by room, I mean in the Jendirian Valley's engine room, at our Jendirian Valley dinner table, in the palace, in my Theed residence, and a hundred other moments between our time on Coruscant and our arrival at Varykino. I knew he had an infatuation with me as a child, and when it became evident those feelings had matured into the attentions of grown man, it was well within my rights to shut them down and return us to how we should be behaving.
Why hadn't I?
Resting on a stand near a wall in my room, there was an embossed mirror stretching two arms' lengths higher than my head. I froze when I caught my reflection in it. Slowly, I stood and approached the taut figure who didn't fit with the fluid mobility of the dress she wore. Every muscle in me looked tense. My eyes were strained from stress. My hair was fine and my purple eye shadow still even, but for all that presentation, I didn't recognize the look on my face or the posture of my usually cool and controlled body. As much as a human being can, I looked like I'd been wrapped around a tight coil and was about to snap at anytime.
I made myself take a breath. Inhale. Pause. Exhale.
It was just a kiss.
Inhale.
Pause.
Exhale.
It was just one kiss. There won't be anymore. I stopped it, as I should have. I will not over-dramatize things and turn the moment into something it wasn't.
I loosened my hands at my sides until they were limp. In the reflection, I focused on the rise and fall of my chest, continuing to measure my breathing. It was helping greatly, thankfully. In and out. Up and down. I closed my eyes and did the best impression of meditating I could muster on such little practice.
In the quiet stillness, I let the rational calm that had defined my adult life return. I wrapped it around me like a warm, familiar blanket.
I was once queen of this entire planet— I couldn't and wouldn't spend however long we were to stay at Varykino cowering in my bedroom. I also couldn't go any longer without having the resetting conversation with my bodyguard that, quite simply, needed to happen. More than my bodyguard, Anakin was my friend. My grown up, handsome, very Jedi friend. I wanted our friendship intact after his assignment was over.
My heart fluttered for a moment, calling my bluff as I abruptly remembered the sweet pressure of his mouth on mine.
Inhale.
Exhale.
He had no right to taste so good.
INHALE.
EXHALE.
Even as I said it, I hadn't believed in the credit to the flowers and romantic locale when I'd used them as excuses out on the terrace, but I couldn't deny that our environment surely hadn't hindered the mood. We'd been around each other constantly with few exceptions since we reunited on Coruscant, and then we'd begun traveling in close quarters for two consecutive days. I'd already slept next to him twice— once at my apartment, and again the refugee ship. I allowed— or perhaps, forced— myself to admit that all the Jedi training in the world didn't mean he wasn't an impeccably gorgeous, charismatic young man… One who was also intelligent, attentive, and funny.
And who my family seemed to like.
And who had gallantly saved my life.
"He's a Jedi," I whispered softly now, no admonishment in my voice. I was trying my best to relax all emotions down to a serene hum. You've been around each other almost non-stop since he arrived in your living room. It was just a matter of time. Pheromones. I made myself believe the words. I had to. You're a senator, he's a Jedi, but you're both still human. Now that some release of the… of the physical tension is is out of the way, the two of you can get back to how it should be.
And how it was, truly, made Anakin's Jedi status almost irrelevant. I had no time for love in my life. I'd tried to fit it in, like an appointment in my calendar that I periodically circled back to with the best intentions. But the causes which motivated me to be a public servant in the first place seemed to need me more now, not less. The tighter I'd tried to hold onto everything I'd worked so hard to maintain, the more it seemed to be slipping through my fingers. I couldn't afford any distractions. I had a responsibility to the people who were counting on me.
Besides, it wasn't that I didn't want love in my life— someday— but when I did, I would hope I would want less obstacles for myself than falling for a man who has to jump through questionable hoops just to say he's allowed to experience love.
Love. Listen to yourself. It was one kiss.
My forehead folded as, for once, I found strategic fault in my mostly solitary lifestyle, for this is where abstaining from romantic relationships had gotten me; one unexpected kiss, and I was acting like the Trade Federation had invaded again.
A republic was actually hanging on the edge of a knife, and I'd too easily switched from debating over legislative text that affected billions to debating over dresses that affected me. No more.
I opened my eyes. This time, I saw the calmer, much more level-headed woman who I knew. She'd ruled a planet through a war. She'd affected change in the Galactic Senate. She could handle a teenager's hormones with grace and decorum.
Inhale.
Pause.
Exhale.
With my mind now quiet, my gaze into the mirror was able to register the scenic sight also captured inside it. Over my shoulder, out a window overlooking the grounds, was the view that made me fall in love with this bedroom in the first place as a child. I turned and approached the sill, wanting to see it all with my own eyes instead of through the reflective glass.
As expected, the vista was stunning. It was a ripe world of color and life. Nandi was in the gardens below, a basket in her hands as she selected vegetables given from the soil, no doubt for tonight's dinner. Eyes lifting, I looked out over the vast, cobalt water beyond the hedge line. The island in the center of the lake peaked out at me conspiratorially, the sun hitting the barely perceptible beach in such a way that I could've sworn the stub of land was winking at me.
Suddenly, low on my right, I caught a glimpse of a dark blond head just passing behind a hedge near the gardens.
Anakin.
He was still on his tour of the grounds— a tour I should have been wise enough to accompany him on, if my head hadn't been spinning around my shoulders like it was flying through hyperspace. I had intimate knowledge of the property from my time at Varykino. If the worst should happen, I knew all the best hiding spots from my years playing Hide-and-Seek with Sola, even though I hoped the skills of the game wouldn't be fatally necessary now. I also knew all the vulnerable places of the lodge— the door on the east side that sometimes failed to lock even when its panel blinked that it had, the window in the observatory that couldn't be closed— as well as easy access points to elevated perches, if need be. If a threat should befall Varykino and she must become our last stand, I should be sharing information with my protector, not hiding it and myself from him.
Turning swiftly, my gown responsively embracing the air around my arms and legs like it was designed for it, I walked out of my room on a mission.
Now, I wonder how different our stay might've been if I'd never looked out that window. It's amazing how the tiniest ripples in our actions take us to various paths.
After I walked thru my bedroom door, I came upon Teckla in the adjoining hallway. She was carrying a small basket of vegetables from the same garden I'd just seen Nandi in. She balanced her load in the crook of her elbow and greeted me with a polite smile and curtsy. "Milady."
I gestured at her basket. "How are the gardens this season, Teckla?"
"Very bountiful. I think you'll be very pleased with the fruit and vegetable offerings. Paddy tried a new technique with the soil, and now they're coming up in droves."
"Wonderful, I look forward to eating some. And your family?"
"As well as ever, thank you, milady." She looked over my shoulder in the direction of the room I'd just come from. I gathered she could see enough of the suitcases still on the floor when she asked, "Would you like me to hang your wardrobe up for you? I just need to set these vegetables in the kitchen first."
I thought about the dresses still wrapped in the packaging in my suitcases. As far as I knew, they'd made it this far without creasing, but if they weren't aired out soon, neither my picks nor Dormé's would be presentable. I nodded with a thankful smile.
"I would appreciate that, thank you."
Truthfully, I was relieved Teckla would be the one to assist with the unpacking. Nandi and I were friends enough that she'd feel free tease me when she came across the corsets and silks. Paddy— not that he would ever be wrist-deep in my clothes and undergarments— might off-handedly make some awkward comments. Teckla I could trust to do the job and keep whatever opinions she had to herself.
She nodded. "Yes, ma'am. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, thank you, Teckla." We smiled at each other in parting as we passed in the hallway, both of us on our way to our respective duties. I'd only made it a few steps when I paused and turned, calling out, "On second thought…"
She spun on her heel, stopping to look back at me. "Yes, milady?"
"Is our local cleric still in good health?"
"Oh, yes, ma'am. He's as well as ever, too."
"Excellent." I eyed the vegetables in her basket pointedly, as if they were the inspiration for my idea. She didn't need to know that, in truth, I could use the guiding presence of the local holy man. "I'd love for him to dine with us. Send him a communication inviting him to join our table tomorrow whenever is convenient for him. Better to do that first, before unpacking, please." It felt wrong to pass both these tasks off to Teckla, but I needed to talk to Ani about, well, us, and I didn't know how long that would take. The last thing I wanted was to be in the middle of discussing roles and boundaries with him and be running off with the flighty reasons of needing to air out my clothes or make a comm call. As much as I might want excuses in my metaphorical back pocket, I had a feeling they wouldn't go over well with Ani.
Teckla curtsied. "Right away, milady. I'm sure he'd be delighted to dine with you, and your…?" With more mischievous interest than I would've thought to give her credit for, the young woman eyed me expectantly. What did she expect me to say? Boyfriend? Fiancé? Secret lover?
Was she hoping I'd describe him as single? Be careful what you wish for, Teckla.
"He's a Jedi," I blurted out, regretting it instantly. It came out too… strained. I got the innate feeling I should have said more than this, so I added, "And a good friend."
"Oh." Teckla gave one last small curtsy, then she turned and began to continue her walk. I would wager two million republican credits that I heard her softly mumble "That's too bad" on her way out.
As I made my way down to the garden I rendezvoused with Nandi. She was slightly more helpful in the moment, as she informed me that Anakin had passed through on his way down to the boat dock. But the swoony look on her face sang that she still had the same infection that seized her on the pier when we arrived, the same one Teckla seemed to have caught.
"Where did you find him?" She was looking at me with wide, love-struck eyes.
Getting impatient, I simply deadpanned, "Mos Espa."
"Oh." She seemed to ponder that for a second. I was beginning to think Nandi had actually heard of it, then, "Is that near Coruscant?"
"Not quite."
Her smile grew wider as her voice perked up. His home world didn't seem to matter as much as her next question. "Is he single?"
This was getting ridiculous. "I would've thought the lightsaber would give it away. He's a Jedi, Nandi."
The anticipated look of disappointment came upon her face. "Shame."
I tried not to be bothered over the obviousness of her limited assumptions. The possibility hadn't even seemed to cross Nandi's mind that if the young man were here, Padmé Amidala might have brought him for herself. At least Teckla's questioning left the door open for it. Was it that absurd of a notion, to the serving maid who knew me better than the other, that I might be coupled with someone for once?
There are two options a person can take to get to the pier. The option Anakin and I took when we arrived— in search of the mesmerizing terrace view— was the long flight of stairs leading to an upper level. It made sense that one could presumably descend those same stairs from the top if they were trying to locate someone down below. Luckily for me, the most direct path from the gardens involved taking the level walkway on the lower level, which pretty much ended at the bottom steps by the pier. It's the more direct path into the villa, which the staff must've used to carry our— my— luggage in.
As expected and hoped, I found the new local attraction at the boat landing. Anakin was crouched over, tinkering with the levers. It appeared he hadn't made any move to abscond with the speeder, which was good. It meant I hadn't embarrassed him so much that he'd decided to abandon his post and leave me to fend for myself.
After watching him for a moment, I spoke. "What are you doing?"
He looked up, seemingly surprised to realize I was there. He must've been very lost in his thoughts if I'd been able sneak up on him, as my heels had audibly made contact with the path on my approach. Anakin stood slowly upon seeing me, finishing at a tall stand.
One look at him and I remembered why I couldn't fault the other women for their dazed expressions. His natural bronze tan and sun-kissed hair fit with the outdoors perfectly. He was made to stand in the sun.
"I'm, ah, I'm checking to see how quickly the speeder could be lowered and released, if needed to in an emergency." His tone was low and stilted, as if he was shaken by my abrupt arrival.
He wasn't alone. In his presence again, just twenty or so short minutes after we'd locked lips, it was harder to hold on to my own stable heartbeat than I'd expected after my self-talk next to the mirror. "And are you satisfied?"
He looked at the rock walls critically. "Well…" He pointed at them and the narrow waterway they bordered. "Pardon my description, but these tall sides make the passageway a death pit. If we take the boat in an escape, we need to get out before anyone can ambush us in the jetty from the high ground." He squinted at me in the sun again. "The speeder will need to be checked frequently to make sure it hasn't been tampered with. Any assassin wanting to preempt an escape will sabotage it as their first move."
"You think so?"
"I would."
"Alright. We'll make sure Paddy knows."
His eyebrows came down into a frown. "I can do it."
Meeting his gaze, I responded, kindly, "I didn't mean to insinuate that you aren't capable."
He seemed to accept that answer, but begrudgingly. He looked at me warily. "You should know," he swallowed. His face was surprisingly grave. "If I'm there to take you myself, I'm going to get you into that speeder and go, and there's no screaming or kicking you can do to stop me."
"Why would I be kicking or screaming?"
"Because I won't be stopping to bring along anyone else."
{You're very close with the staff.}
{They've all been with the family for years.}
Anakin was preparing me for the possibility I might leave more bodies in my wake. Despite the warmth of the climate, a shudder went down my spine. This wasn't what these people had signed up for. Paddy, Nandi, Teckla… their extensive combat experience encompassed fighting off tiny worms in the garden.
I eyed the light purple boat again, the one which could only hold three passengers safely at a time but would move even faster with fewer. I sounded stricken to my own ears. "And if you're not there to take me to the water speeder?"
His mouth was a hard line. "That means I'm either fighting off your attacker," Anakin paused. "Or…" The line shifted.
Dead. It meant he'd be dead.
My wildest imaginations couldn't have thought up a worst way to segue into what I'd come down here to talk to him about, but we work with the hands we are dealt.
I straightened my spine, unconsciously slipping into senatorial mode like it was my first skin. "There's something we need to discuss."
Anakin surprised me by giving a curt but determined nod. "Yes, there is."
My smooth veneer internally cracked a little. There was a spectrum of possible things he might want to say, each scenario less appropriate than the last.
"I know a good place for us to talk. Shall we?" I briefly gestured down the pathway I had come even as I ventured towards it. He followed behind, both of us silent as I led us back inside the villa to the formal dining room.
The dining room of Varykino was an open-air rotunda on an upper level of the estate. It was situated up high for a reason— the view of the lake from the space was captivating. Wide, rectangular windows were curtained by rich, burgundy drapes on the inside and green vegetation on the out. Stately columns surrounded the circular design of the room, while squares and circles in the colors of a sunset were artfully scattered across the floor. The perspective of all of it gave attention to the center of the room where a red table stood. It would have been circular in shape too, if not for opposite sides that bent in as if they'd been pinched by a giant's hand. Tall-backed chairs rested on either side in the dips. The entire room struck the perfect balance between being elegant yet cozy, and I'd had many a blissful memory with my family and guests in it.
For now, though, what I liked most was that this particular table was the closest one I would find in the villa that matched the desk back in my Coruscant office. The length and the width were about where the similarities ended, but my imagination could do the rest. With this goal in mind, my nerves settled themselves more evenly as we walked into the room. I'd sat in several chairs of influence— including a throne— and from them I could quickly tap into the necessary calm that's needed with navigating serious matters. All I had to do was pretend this wooden but strong dining chair was a seat for an official, that I was here to speak diplomatically yet firmly, and I immediately felt the guiding hand of Amidala around me. The scatter-brained woman I'd seen in my mirror simply couldn't exist in this impromptu office.
I even managed to keep my cool when Anakin followed me around the table to gentlemanly pull my chair out for me before taking a seat himself.
As he settled into his own chair, his face was the perfect example as to why politicians need to develop masks in the first place. He looked agitated, tense, optimistic, confident, nervous, and placid. Which emotion was on display was just a matter of which split-second of time it was.
I placed my hands on the table in a neat fold. My voice was identical to any meeting I'd initiated from behind my desk on Coruscant. "Have you finished your inspection of the house and it's…" I remembered the way he'd been so determined to interview the staff. "Occupants?"
"I haven't had a chance to tour the inside of the dwelling yet, but beyond that… Yes, I have."
"And?"
He sighed deeply, then gave a nod like the fate of the galaxy had been decided. "I see no reason why they shouldn't be trusted."
I gave a pleased smile. "I'm glad you feel that way." My hands went flat and smoothly spread outwards over the tabletop in a small pocket. It wasn't ancient and porous like the balustrade on the terrace, but it was heavy with the weight of happy memories. The short moment of retrospection made me remember my request to Teckla. "I invited a family friend to dine with us tomorrow. He's the local holy man, from the Azeloo Brotherhood. I don't think he's ever met a Jedi before; I'm sure he'll be excited to meet you."
I thought he'd be neutral or maybe even amused at the prospect, but instead his face clouded over. "Who?"
Taken aback by his tone, I assured, "He's trustworthy, too, Ani."
"So you say. So you said about Paddy, Nandi, Teckla." He waved a dismissive hand in the air with each individual name.
"And you just confirmed I was right to think so."
"Yes, but— I know you didn't love the idea of going into hiding, Padmé, but I can't protect you if you're letting half of Naboo know where we are."
I blinked, a flare of irritation sparking to life. "Pardon me?"
He bit down on his lower lip and eyed the center of the table instead of meeting my gaze. "First, it was the open strolls through the palace, then the less than espionage-filled trip to your house to see your family, now we've got a public figure from the community dropping by for dinner." He looked up at me, clearly upset. "Does he even know to be secretive about your presence here?"
I balked at his rewritten history of the day's events. "Ani, I didn't say he's a public figure— he's a member of the local monastery, hardly the town crier. As to your first irrational claim, your advice is that I shouldn't have given the leader of this planet the courtesy of an in-person update after seven of her subjects just died in my service? And I don't recall you objecting to our methods of transportation to my house in Theed. In fact, if I remember correctly, you said you were also glad to walk when I suggested it."
"That's not entirely what I meant, my lady."
"Well, what did you mean?"
"Every time I turn around, you've added some detour to the itinerary or some unknown person I haven't had a chance to vet yet. Why did I have to find out along with everyone else that we were going to the Lake Country?"
Is that what he was still bristling about? That I hadn't exalted him in front of the queen and company? "I told you, this is my home. I know it and I know its people."
"That's not what I asked."
"You could have asked me where I thought we should go anytime during the nineteen hours we were on the freighter."
He nodded, giving me that one. But then his voice got lower and more edgy. Darker. "Why do you think the security unit is here, my lady?"
"I should think the answer would be obvious. They're here to help with security." Unknowingly making a mistake, I leaned forwards and finished with gusto, "They're here to make life easier for you."
He looked at me under hooded eyes, and the room went eerily silent. "Close, but not quite. They're here because of me. Because of what you said."
I didn't back down as I eyed him directly. I wouldn't be intimidated by vague statements. "I don't understand."
Abruptly flustered, his eyes turned to the open doorway we'd walked through. He stood in a sudden flourish of movement, coming to a stop under the arch. I could see his profile, the tension in his jaw. It was illuminated in the sunny place he'd put himself in. Faintly, I had the fantastical notion of a witnessing a being who needed to be in the sun to recharge and recenter. A solar-powered human. He folded his arms across his chest and took a deep breath. "They were only assigned to us while you were showering and changing your appearance in the palace."
Something in his voice made him sound… lost. Pained. I resisted the urge to get up and go to him. I still needed the center of gravity the sturdy chair offered me. From my seat, I said, "I still don't quite understand."
He turned swiftly, staring me down from his spot on the tile. The sun basked him in a bright pool of light from behind. "It seems Captain Panaka found out that the senator was only being protected by a Padawan learner." He eyed me sternly. "I wonder how he discovered that."
{Oh, Anakin's only a Padawan learner. But I was thinking—}
Then I remembered the vehement outrage Dormé, Captain Typho, and myself shared when we learned of the change-up in my Jedi protectors. I could only imagine what Captain Panaka's reaction had been— he was even more high-strung than his nephew. He wasn't in the throne room during our meeting, but someone there thought the situation urgent enough to tell him with the speed of wildfire. Had one of Queen Jamilia's handmaidens been the one? Or, perhaps, Sio Bibble? It was a miracle Captain Typho hadn't informed him himself.
None of this, of course, did I share with Ani. Whoever had picked it up and done something with it, the information had first rippled out from my throat."Captain Panaka is a sensible man." I did my best to excuse the officer who'd protected me from up close and afar for over ten years. "I know him well enough to know he would trust the wisdom of the Jedi Council. I'm sure the extra men are just a precaution."
Anakin shook his head. "When he last saw me, I was a little boy tagging along at everyone's heels. I guess the Jedi robes didn't do much to erase the memory."
"You spoke with him at the palace?"
"Briefly."
I looked down at the table as I tried to gather my thoughts. This outburst wasn't coming out of nowhere. I remembered his distress just now down at the dock when I said we'd tell Paddy to maintain the boat. Ani had jumped to assuming I thought him incapable of the task. Realization dawned on me, and I looked up at him. "This is what you wanted to discuss?"
He looked away, as if hiding his true thoughts from me for a moment. "It's been one of the things on my mind. Practically, I don't disagree with extra guards— my pride doesn't stretch that far. If it hasn't been clear, I'm all for giving you as much protection as possible." His eyes scanned our surroundings outside. "If I could, I'd break these mountains down and turn them into walls as high as Coruscant's skyscrapers, just to turn the villa into a fortress for you." He paused, and his jaw clenched again. "But I don't like why the extra guards are here— because Panaka thought I wasn't enough."
I half-expected to see him stomp and say it wasn't fair. As if the Jedi had sensed my absolutely minuscule amount of judgment, blue eyes suddenly captured mine again. "I saw you laughing at me when I inspected the ship."
This blindsided me more than anything he'd said so far. "'Laughing at you?'"
He shuffled his weight from one foot to another, growing upset again at some dark memory he'd evidently manufactured. "When we arrived at the hangar, and I went around with the men to examine the yacht." His full lips folded in under themselves as he licked them quickly. Like a wound up animal.
Is this where his insecurities had gotten us? I was beginning to get surprised he'd kissed me on the balustrade if he'd been feeling this way all day. "Anakin, I was proud of you."
"It didn't look that way." Before I could counter, he continued, "Is it too late to cancel your invitation to this holy man?" More desperately, and— I imagine— to the point, "Would you do it if I asked?"
Now my mouth was a hard line. If me kneeling to his whims would make him feel better, he was protecting the wrong woman. "Yes, it is too late. I requested that Teckla do it with haste before I found you at the dock. But I wouldn't take the invitation back even if I could. Even if you asked me to."
This was not the answer he wanted. With almost comedic characterization, balled fists came up to his hips. "The bounty hunter after you knows what he's doing, and he's gotten close to you too many times—"
"—You don't need to remind me about the attacks, Ani. I was there—"
"—All it would take is one person saying too much— even accidentally!— to the wrong person and then—"
"Are we to go round in circles? I can't resolve this if I don't know—"
"I don't need to be resolved." His eyes became inflamed. "I'm supposed to be leading your security but it's like I'm not even here!"
We went from heavy gesturing and raised voices to silent stillness. He towered in the archway while my spine was as straight as a column in my makeshift throne. As we stared each other down in our respective power stances, I gradually began to see past the ire in his face. Understanding crept on me like a cup of spilled jawa juice emanating from Anakin's feet. It transformed into a fairy nymph, like the kind in great-grandmother Leia's stories about the water creatures of fantasy, as it moved from my toes, up around my heart, and on to my shoulders, where it whispered to my steeled spine to relax.
Anakin didn't care that we'd met with these isolated groups of harmless people. He knew we'd been safe at the palace. He wouldn't have let us walk to my parent's house if he truly thought there was any danger. He didn't think a holy man stopping by was an imminent threat. All of those complaints were symptoms of the underlying issue.
He was hurt that I hadn't run any of it past him first, not even as a professional courtesy. The most deference I'd shown was (accidentally) mocking his job by checking with him before I'd changed clothes at the palace, like he was a glorified babysitter. He'd been named in charge of my protection by the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic and the Council of the Jedi Order, yet he was constantly playing catch up, always the last to find out what moves I'd already made without consulting with him first. There wasn't a single decision he'd been a part of since we'd left Coruscant. The principle of the matter, and what it had communicated to him, was the scalding issue.
Sinking awareness drowned any fire in me to argue. I would never operate like this had I been traveling with Captain Typho or Obi-Wan Kenobi. As much as I'd dragged my feet into hiding, I would have included them in the strategy of it before we'd landed on Naboo.
Anakin's outburst seemed to deflate him as much as it had me, but he still stood with his hands on his hips, and his breath was heavier than normal. He looked at me almost pleadingly. A different kind of fire, a despairing kind, brimmed in his eyes. "At the very least," he stressed. "I'd like us to be a team on this, Padmé."
Now I didn't fight back when the urge to stand and go to him came. I rose from my seat, my eyes on him as I abandoned the table I'd ventured to turn into an administrative desk. I felt a sharp twinge of shame; although the sides and chairs of the table were identical, the very impression I'd wanted to convey to Anakin when I'd walked in here— superiority, authority— was the exact approach that had led to his despondent feelings. Hadn't I only left my bedroom full of confidence because I thought I could 'handle' him?
I took steps towards the young man watching me, but I kept a slightly appropriate distance as I came to a smooth stop. I immediately sensed the warmth of the sun as I joined Anakin in its ray, my left cheek feeling like a heated glove had enveloped it in welcome. Turning my face into the beam, I looked out at the grand view over the landing outside. The ball in the sky was slightly lower now, and the lake bounced light like it was a sea of a million mirrors. Hesitantly, I turned back to Anakin. His eyes were still on me— perhaps, that is where I'd felt some of the heat emitting from. "I haven't done a good job of respecting your role in all this, have I?"
He let out a barely perceptible sigh. I sincerely don't know if it was from relief that I'd finally caught on or grief that we'd found ourselves in this position in the first place. "You have to trust me, Padmé. I'm not the little boy chasing after you and Qui-Gon anymore. I'm a player in the game now, too."
"I've been asking you to trust my judgment right and left when I've shown little regard for yours," I admitted. I thought of his objections to my joining the dejarik table on the freighter. I'd been so sure it would be fine, when in fact it backfired just as he said it might.
Slowly, he took a step towards me. I watched as he reached— the move was drawn-out enough for me to stop him, but I did not— and took one of my hands in both of his. They were warm. Calloused, but gentle. Without notice, he suddenly sunk down to one knee. As if swearing an oath, he stated, "I know this is my first assignment. I told you I'm scared, too. But I'm only scared of failing you— that's all. I can be enough for this assignment, because you're not just an assignment— you're—" He stalled at the sudden wary look in my expression, but he steamrolled on before the implication of his words had time to make me panic. "Padmé," he gripped my hand more tightly, "I would sacrifice my life before something happens to you. But I can't be the best Jedi I can be, the one that you deserve, if you don't see me as an equal ally in this." He searched my eyes, for what I don't know. "You cannot keep seeing me as that little boy you knew on Tatooine."
In the back of my mind, I suppressed the gnawing suspicion that he was not just talking about the protection detail.
From his crouched position, Ani was exactly the same height he'd been as the child he was when I met him. He was looking up at me as focused and reverently as he ever had as a nine year old, but the soft cheeks and boyish innocence were replaced by masculine features and a serious face.
{Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know?}
I'd chastised Qui-Gon— and even silently judged Shmi— when the plan to enter him into the Boonta Eve podrace formulated. I'd underestimated Ani when he was just a kid on an immoral Outer Rim planet. Even then, at the age of nine, his bravery, sharp mind, and capabilities proved all of my ideas about him wrong. Who knew what kind of man he'd grown into, had matured into, after ten years with the Jedi?
Once upon a time, I'd felt it was my job to protect him, in whichever way I could. But the little boy who ran around yelling "Whoopie!" had grown up. He'd carried my discourtesies, even the innocent and subconscious ones, long enough.
Tenderly, apologetically, I smiled down at him. "I'm sorry for making you feel like I was disrespecting you. I need to honor my words from the other day and treat you like a grownup, don't I?"
Other emotions began to swim in his eyes, and that all-too-familiar stare that made my stomach flip returned. The flips got worse when he rose to a stand in front of me. "I'd like that very much."
Careful not to be jerky with the movement, I fluidly pulled my hand from his grasp. As he had with me, I looked up at him and made my own pledge. "I won't spring anything else on you; no surprise side trips, no spontaneous guests— no matter how incredibly trustworthy they are," I had to slip that in. "And," I took a deep breath before I made this oath, "Nothing will happen without consulting you first, nor without your support."
He smiled gently, but his eyes stayed solemn. "I'm not your prison guard, Padmé. But I stood in front of your father and swore to him I would keep you safe."
The sheer fact that he didn't say he'd promised Obi-Wan or Chancellor Palpatine moved something within me. I couldn't help it— I reached out and tucked his Padawan braid behind his ear. It had been fine exactly where it was, but the urge to touch around his face had become too strong to ignore. He gazed at me from under his lashes and I gave a shy smile, shocked and embarrassed at my impulsive gesture. Still, I promised, "Same team, Ani, from here on out."
His lips twitched.
"It's a nickname," I soothed softly. Calmly. "One that I remembered you fondly by for ten years. You can't fault me for falling back to it from time to time." I lifted a shoulder and smiled again. "You introduced yourself as Anakin, but you became Ani so quickly."
He gave an acknowledging shrug. A ghost of a grin flickered across his face. "That's fair." Then he eyed me quite seriously, and it was as if I could hear the variation of his words from back in my bedroom.
As long as you know the difference.
Like he knew the unspoken message had gotten across, he squared his chin and took a steadying breath. "Now, there was something you wanted to talk to me about?"
The energy and spirit I'd had before felt beyond my reach. In my head, as much as I'd pre-planned it while searching for him, I'd charged up my words with the strong hands of decreeing, supremacy, knowing better. Granted, I did think I knew better when it came to the inappropriateness of the kiss, but every word I'd rehearsed in my head now sounded like a step backwards after the conversation about treating each other as equals.
I didn't trust myself to come up with a new speech on the spot. Not about this. But I couldn't avoid the topic completely and still look myself in the eye the next time I saw a mirror. So, instead, I looked at him quietly, and then simply said, "I'm… I'm not Mrs. Zulub."
He studied my face, as if waiting for more. When he realized that was all I was going to say, at least for the moment, he nodded, then replied, "And we didn't come here to set up a new home." He shrugged and looked over his shoulder at the room around us. "Though, I will say— if we were refugees, we did alright for ourselves."
I wasn't ready for dispelling humor just yet. I waited for his eyes to meet mine again. When he stopped avoiding my gaze, I said, "Do you understand what I'm saying, Anakin?"
I hadn't meant for my voice to sound so sad.
He nodded, serious again. "I know what you're trying to say."
We looked at each other for a long moment, that familiar electricity sparking to life between us once more.
Inhale.
Pause.
...Pause?
It didn't go unnoticed that his words didn't exactly convey an acceptance of what I'd said. But it was good enough for the moment. Now, my unflappable demeanor would have to drive the point home; professional behavior on my account would close any opportunities for him to infer otherwise. Actions, as they say, speak louder than words.
Although not the one I'd expected walking in, we'd seemed to have a significant breakthrough in this dining room. His understandable concerns had been aired and addressed, but I wanted to put our improve rapport and my reorganized discipline into practice.
As I kept thinking about this, my gaze lingered over the stunning view beside us. An idea began to form in my mind.
I kept my vision where it was as I mused, "You seem to enjoy the water very much."
In my peripheral, I could see him grin. "And here I thought I was masking my enjoyment so well."
"There's a small beach on the right side of the property. Did you see it when you were inspecting the grounds?"
When he gave his answer, his voice was clinical. "Yes. It's certainly an access point we should station a guard near, but it wasn't my biggest concern. Is there something about the beach I should know about?"
I smiled. There must've been a twinkle in my eye as I looked at him and said, "You tipped the boat often enough. How would you actually like to get in the water?" At his blank expression, I clarified, "Would you like to join me for a swim?"
His thick eyebrows shot up higher than I'd ever seen them, and his mouth dropped open in surprise. He was looking at me like I might be going mad. Maybe I was.
"No! No. Absolutely not."
I was taken aback by the force of his statements. "You're being serious?"
"As serious as Obi-Wan's mullet. He was the one who told me about all the sea monsters that live in the waterways flowing through the planet's core. This lake is pretty, but there is a reason why I was encouraging Paddy to go faster back in the boat.
And here I thought it was just his love for speed. I suppose it could be more than one motivation at once.
I resisted the urge to laugh. I got the impression he wouldn't appreciate it very much. All the same, a stubbornly wide smile spread my cheeks. "Yes, Anakin, there are indigenous, underwater creatures on Naboo that make this huge villa look like a hut. But you said it yourself— Obi-Wan saw them in the planet core."
"And what if one of them decides to work on its tan and pops up while we're out there?" His eyes widened. "What if sees us and thinks, 'Free snack'?"
I pretend to play shocked and concerned. "Do lightsabers not work under water?!"
Now I knew there was a twinkle in my eye, because he saw right through my tease. "Padmé—"
I shook my head, truly fighting the urge to laugh now. "These lakes are sealed off from Naboo's underground caverns. You'll find we're quite safe from the creatures Obi-Wan saw." I stopped myself just before I put a reassuring hand on his arm, but the disappointment I felt at myself from wanting to do so didn't overshadow the mirth from the moment. "The lake here is safe, I promise."
"You promise?"
"I promise. The waterways you're rightly afraid of don't connect to the area around Varykino." My grin hadn't receded. "If they did, Naberries would've been eaten a long time ago and I'd have fewer ancestors."
"Alright. Um. In that case… that would be fun." He actually smiled a little, before that faded. "But I," he moved his hands in an up or down motion indicating the length of his form, "I have nothing to wear. Unless, I walk around in wet robes for the rest of the day."
In the past, swimming was such a standard way to pass the time at the villa, and I'd come up with the idea to go swimming now so quickly, that I hadn't thought of the important detail of attire when I'd asked him. The solution came to me quickly enough. "My family keeps a stockpile of swim trunks and swimsuits here. My male cousins, my father— they've all left plenty of options behind over the years. I'm sure we can find you something." He didn't answer right away, so I waited a slightly anxious moment before continuing, "It will be fun, and I could tell you more about the property— for security purposes."
His smiled returned. I prayed I wasn't giving mixed signals again, but if I was, for right now, he didn't seem to mind. "Lead the way, milady."
Despite his words, Anakin took a step towards our exit first. He paused when he saw that I wasn't advancing, too. I'd had another idea. After he gave me a quizzical look, I answered, "I think, before swimming, I should first give you a tour of the house— one from someone who knows its many secrets." Not that Paddy didn't know them, but I would enjoy showing Anakin around myself.
He studied me for a moment. "I'd like that," he breathed. "I have a fairly good grasp of the grounds at this point, but I need to familiarize myself with the interior as much as possible, as soon as possible."
I'd assumed as much. After realizing even more now how seriously he took his involvement, I suspected the protective guard in him was getting antsy at having not walked the layout of the large villa yet.
As he'd politely instructed, I finally lead the way out of the dining room.
I took immense pleasure in leading Anakin throughout the house. What started as an analytical tour almost immediately became a journey through memories leading back to my childhood. I dutifully pointed out points of interest in relation to security, but I couldn't stop myself from recounting more stories and tidbits like I had with the pictures in my Theed home, and again right after we'd first arrived on Varykino. Anakin absorbed all information in stride, seeming to equally appreciate both my childhood anecdotes and what security substance I was able to provide. His eyes scanned the spaces like a droid memorizing the layout, and I was impressed by his diligence— he inspected and tested elements he came across I never would have thought of. Almost as often, his questions veered towards my tales in way that went beyond just polite interest. He genuinely seemed to enjoy hearing them.
A highlight for both of us was when he deftly fixed the eastern door, which had plagued the estate for years. A quick grab of simple tools from Paddy's shed, and the broken panel now cooperated seamlessly. The only problem was, after we'd celebrated his triumph, we realized we'd accidentally locked ourselves out of the villa. We had to shout at a nearby window for someone— a bemused guard, finally— to let us back in. The whole time, we made teasing quips at each other on the lawn and laughed like children, and another funny story was added to the history of Varykino.
It only occurred to me sometime later that Anakin must've been able to open the door the entire time with a wave of his fingers. In the moment, it was easy to forget his supernatural abilities when he joked like a regular boy, and I laughed with him like a regular girl.
As the tour wrapped, Anakin and I found the bin filled with respective swim garments for men, women, and children. The more I looked at my options, the more I began to dread what I'd put into action.
The cinched blue dress and the backless ombré gown couldn't even be called warmups to what was about to happen. I'd successfully, more or less, had a conversation to reestablish boundaries with Anakin. And then I— with my own brain and mouth— put us in a situation where we'd both be stripped down to swimwear.
By the Gods, Padmé.
I was silent as we each grabbed a handful of options from the bin and made to depart for our rooms to make final choices. Just after we started walking in separate directions, Anakin unexpectedly called out to me by name.
I turned, elastic fabric a multi-colored puddle in my arms. "Yes?"
"Listen. If the worst should happen…" His features clouded. "Get yourself into the speeder and go. Please."
We stared at each other, our lips muted but our eyes having another one of those unspoken conversations. I didn't know how to give him the answer he wanted. Honestly, if I pictured Anakin making a last stand in my honor at Varykino, I could imagine no other scenario where I wasn't beside him, doing everything I could to keep us both alive.
Instead of saying this, I simply smiled softly, then made for the hallway at the top of the stairs which would take me to my room. The idea of assassins and blaster fire seemed less nerve-racking than what I was about to face. It was time to pick out a swimsuit.
A/N: Alternative (and almost) chapter starting quote:
I'll stare directly in the sun
but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
- Taylor Swift, Anti-Hero
A/N 2: I know it might seem like I'm building up to it, but there will not be an attack on Varykino. That's not one of the curve balls in my bag. But while we watched the movie and saw Jango Fett had gone to Kamino, Anakin and Padmé didn't. For all they knew, an attack could come at any time, and I wanted to show their awareness/handling of that.
That being said, if anyone knows of an AU fanfic where they were attacked on Varykino, let me know! Writing all this has gotten me interested in reading such a scenario. If there aren't any out there (but in 20 years, there's gotta be), I may write one myself, but I'd love to sink into it as a reader.
Next chapter coming very soon.
