Hello everyone! I'm sorry this update has taken so long. School is taking up a lot of my time now and I am also trying to finish my other wip, Orange Sky. Thank you so much for sticking with this story even though the updates are sporadic. But I want to let you all know that I will never not finish a story. I have too much experience with reading a fanfic only to have my heart ripped out because it was abandoned. I wouldn't do that to you guys.
Feathers: There is some fixing of Ben and Rey's relationship in this chapter. Like a second chance. Neither of them can stay away from each other for long! NoChaDaiSAlamander: We were corresponding through private message, but just wanted to say thank you again for you interest in this story and for the review! SpunkyBookworm: Thanks for liking it and for leaving a review!
So this chapter has more information about the world I'm trying to build, but it doesn't tell you everything just yet. Still some mystery! Who's ready for a long chapter? Cause this is a loooong chapter. lol.
Chapter 5: Could We Start Over?
Rose.
It was the solitary thought coursing through Finn's brain at the moment, her lovely name like a mantra in his head as he looked at her from across the theatre.
The stage crew and performers were all huddled in their own little groups, talking with each other or browsing through their phones. Some were eating while doing both. The community theatre was small, not even close to being on the scale of what you'd find on Broadway. It didn't even have chairs bolted into the floor, but rather opted to use round tables and chairs for the audience to sit and enjoy the food they ordered from the cabaret.
With the entire seating inventory still in storage – it wouldn't be set up till the day before opening night – it allowed everyone to stay on the main floor during a break. Admittedly, it was much more preferable than being back stage where space was very limited. So limited that there were canopies set up outside behind the building so the actors could have more room to spread out if need be.
Good thing space heaters had been provided; it was still quite chilly in the evenings since the weather was still transitioning into spring.
During the downtime, Finn would sometimes have conversations with the other members of the cast, but interacting with humans was still something he wasn't good at. They had the tendency of talking about their families or the latest drama at work or current world events Finn wasn't aware of. There was nothing about his life he could add to the discussions: he didn't have a family, couldn't bring up the drama he had with other Reapers, and current events weren't really a thing in his line of work.
He was an outsider with his face pressed up against the glass, looking in, never able to go inside.
Rose tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as she talked with Jenna. Finn wondered what it would feel like to touch it. To touch her anywhere.
Rose wasn't beautiful in the modern commercial sort of way, no flowing gold curls or tanned skin; no round eyes of green or blue. She was an American of Vietnamese descent, was shorter than average – Finn suspected her height being around five feet – and had curves that catwalk models didn't possess. But in her entirety, Rose was stunning. Something radiated from within that rendered her irresistible to both genders. Women courted her friendship and men desired her. It was obvious in the way they would look at her.
Finn never understood why Western culture idolized women who fit a certain height and weight. Each woman's uniqueness was what made her attractive. It was just Rose… Rose made Finn's heart race. And that was a first.
Rose's black hair of silk fell behind her shoulders as she laughed at something Jenna said. It was a harmonious sound, easy on the ears.
Finn would give anything to make Rose laugh like that.
"You're doing it again."
Finn turned to Rey, leaning against the waist high black wooden barricade that divided the ensemble from the audience. The music section was comprised of only a handful of instruments: cello, violin, base, piano, clarinet and a drummer with a full set. The band – Rey hated that it was called that and insisted on orchestra, because uppity reasons – was small enough to be placed in the corner at the very back of the theatre. It wasn't the best location, but it was the only area that worked.
"What?" Finn asked.
Rey was the only member of the band currently there, the rest out being social or grabbing a quick bite to eat.
With her cello on its side by her feet, Rey glanced at him as she flipped through the pages of music. "You're watching Rose. Again."
"I'm not watching her," Finn weakly argued. "I was looking around and my eyes just so happen to see her." Rey gave him an I-know-you're-lying kind of look. "Fine," he relented. "I might have been watching her. Is that so bad?"
"Yeah, actually. It is." She made a mark on the music sheet with a pencil. "If people start noticing that you're constantly staring at her, they're going to think you're obsessed with her or something."
Reflexively, Finn looked over at Rose.
Rose's eyes scanned the room as Jenna kept talking. Her gaze met his and she smiled, raising her hand for a quick wave.
She had safe eyes, perhaps that was the best way Finn could describe it. Safe and warm.
And her smile, her smile was so beautiful it was like the stars themselves decided to laze behind the soft cushion of her lips.
Finn did an awkward half wave and forgot to even smile back, too shocked that she'd given him an ounce of her attention to think properly.
Did Rose chuckle? It looked like she had.
She gave him one more little grin before going back to her conversation with Jenna, the moment done and over.
"But what if I am obsessed with her?" Finn admitted softly, still watching Rose. She got so animated with her hands when she started speaking passionately. It was endearing, her passion.
Rey sighed. "That's what I was afraid of."
"What?" Finn spun all the way around, putting all his attention on Rey. He couldn't stop his tone from sounding defensive. "That I like someone?"
"You're basically a necro-wizard–"
"That's not a thing."
"– and not even human. Rose is. How would that even work?"
"First of all, my title is Reaper, not necro-wizard or whatever term you come up with."
"You hate being called a Reaper."
"The nicknames you give me are worse. And second, my plumbing down there works perfectly fine."
Rey's eyes went wide. "God, that's not what I meant." She placed the pencil on the stand. "I meant how would it work with dating and becoming exclusive and talking about your day with her? Are you going to tell her how you hunt down rebellious souls and drag them to the afterlife? That you don't age and you can't die?"
"Well… no. But I could… I don't know, figure it out."
"So you'd lie to her, then?"
Finn's expression soured over the idea. "When you put it like that, it sounds horrible." He took a deep breath. "I just… it's weird, this pull I feel towards her. I think about her constantly, even though I try not to. Just seeing her makes me smile and get all giddy. And I'm just… happy when I'm around her. I've never felt this kind of happiness before."
"You're attracted to her," Rey deduced.
Finn shook his head. "No, it's not just that. I know you think it is, but it's not. I've been a Reaper since 1822 and I've seen plenty of attractive women, believe me. But none of them held my attention and made me feel so… alive like Rose can. Sometimes I can't – I can't breathe properly unless I see her. I don't even need to talk to her; I just need to be able to catch a glimpse of her. I have to know she's doing okay and that she's happy and that her life is going well. I just… I need to know."
Rey crossed her arms over her chest, angling herself in her chair so she could face Finn head on. "I didn't know your feelings went that deep."
He placed his hands on top of the partition as he shrugged. "Yeah, well… now you know."
Rey glanced away from him, in the direction of Rose. "What are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know."
"If you decided to pursue her, you'd have to be careful."
"I know."
"If you get caught–"
"I know," Finn said again, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's a huge risk."
Rey leaned a little closer, voice getting a little quieter. "Remember those stories you told me about those two Reapers who were caught being involved with a human and were never seen again? I don't want that happening to you."
He saw the fear in her eyes over the prospect of living her existence alone. "I don't want to vanish either," Finn told her. "Trust me."
"But you can't stay away from her?" Finn shook his head in the negative. "I was afraid that would be your answer."
Finn remembered the first time he saw Rose on the corner of 5th and Broadway, waiting to cross the street. He'd been out on assignment, invisible to the human eye. But when he heard her voice, talking to whoever was on the other end of the phone, he moved closer so he could see her.
She had mesmerized him immediately.
When the walking sign came on, Finn followed her for five whole blocks. It wasn't until she walked into a building that he realized he had completely forgotten about the soul he needed to be looking for. Or the fact that there were warm tears streaming down his face.
It had been difficult to make his feet move across the concrete and go back the way he came. He didn't want to be away from her.
The only thing that gave him comfort was remembering a curious piece of information from her phone conversation: She was auditioning for a play later that week at a community theatre called Curtain Call. From there, Finn devised a plan that led both Rey and him to be a part of the show.
He didn't even think his audition had gone all that well – hours of watching YouTube videos about acting gave him a small foundation to work off of, but by no means was he great at it – but they must have seen something in him since they offered him the role of Dr. Edward Armstrong.
Rey didn't even need much convincing to try out for the ensemble. She felt the most at peace with a cello in her hands. And even though she'd never admit it, being in the theatre made her feel closer to Ben. Finn couldn't even count how many shows Rey had dragged him to throughout the years. The woman basically lived on Broadway whenever they resided in Manhattan.
During Rey's audition, the conductor, Carol, heard her play for ten seconds and immediately offered her a spot. Which was good, because Finn literally couldn't do this without Rey. Participating in the human world was strictly against the rules for all Reapers. But his orders to keep a close eye on her allowed him a free pass in that regard.
It had all miraculously worked out. But if it hadn't? The thought of never seeing Rose again, of just cutting himself out of her life…. Why did that strike him as such a tragedy?
"This is what humans would classify as a dilemma," he stated.
Rey nodded in agreement, her eyes becoming distant as her gaze drifted toward the stage. It wasn't hard to guess what was on her mind; it had been only mere hours ago that she had that confrontation with Ben.
God… there was still so much Rey didn't know. So much Finn wasn't allowed to tell her. If she knew how much he'd been keeping from her… decade after decade, keeping silent… she'd never want to see him again.
And the thing was… Finn feared being alone, too. He needed her just as much as she needed him. Before Rey, his existence had been one-dimensional. Robotic. Bland. After, it was like he was almost living. Like his heart actually had a function.
"How are you doing?" he asked with genuine concern.
"Fine."
As in she wasn't.
"That bad, huh?"
The curve of her lips was more morose than jolly. "I guess we both have dilemmas to deal with. Though, the stakes for me don't involve being erased from existence."
Maybe not, Finn thought. But after coming back to the apartment after Ben had left and that mind spell lifted – damn Celestials and their overpowering abilities. Good thing Rey didn't know what she was capable of – Finn was distraught to see Rey curled up and weeping next to her dented cello. The whole situation was mentally tearing her apart.
"I'd still rather be in my shoes than yours," Finn said. "Your dead husband shows up out of the blue, has no memory of the past, and he's been hallucinating you? And on top of that, you had sex with him before hashing all that out? I don't know how I would deal."
Rey sighed. "I'm doing life like everyone else: one poor decision at a time and a trash can full of wine bottles."
"Yeah… so, it's the 21st century and you really should start recycling those. And why even bother drinking? It's not like alcohol can affect you."
"I know that, but I do it anyway, hoping..." She trailed off. "What do you think I should do?"
Finn had feared that question from her all day.
He knew his orders: push Rey to get closer to Ben. The directive came straight from House Organa and was not to be ignored. It was the only reason Finn got a huge pass when it came to interacting with humans and having a minimal workload – his sole mission was to stay with Rey and send daily reports on what she was doing.
And Rey had no idea.
She didn't know that the reason Finn had tried to make them move out to Southern California ten years ago was to get Ben and Rey to meet. Didn't know that his job was to keep an eye on her. Didn't really know why he stayed with her after they first met.
While crossing paths with her had been completely by chance, everything else that followed wasn't.
It had happened during the early summer of 1926 in Chicago, the evening abnormally hot and sticky from the heat wave plaguing the city. He'd been lingering in the outdoor market, following a lead on a particular spirit who was haunting the area when he caught sight of her. She'd been covered in dirt, looking like a nomad with no place to go, wandering the streets as if she no longer had a purpose. Or cared.
They locked eyes. She didn't move. So he went to her.
Not a single Reaper, nor Angel, were allowed to converse with her, a rule that was implemented by Leia Organa. But Finn took one look at her and none of the repercussions had mattered to him.
He had listened to her side of things, even though he already knew the broad details. Who didn't? The story of what had happened with her and Ben had shocked the seraphic community. Two Celestials killed during their time on earth and one of them ended up being executed for orchestrating the murder of the other? Unheard of. Unspeakable. Everyone knew that Ben and Rey's souls had manifested from the same imploding star, a phenomenon that had never occurred in existence. One supernova rendered only one soul, that's how it had always been. And yet, one betrayed the other.
Rey and Ben were two halves of the same energy, connected on a level no one could truly understand. Maybe not even them. Not fully.
When Finn had been caught mingling with her, he expected some form of punishment to befall him. Instead, Leia Organa had decided that keeping someone close to her and knowing what Rey was up to was more beneficial than leaving the girl to her own devices.
Even after decades of Rey not doing anything noteworthy, Leia Organa still viewed her as enemy number one. But she was willing to use the girl in hopes that her presence in Ben's life would help him regain his memories, giving her the answers as to where his soul had been after he had died.
Rey was a pawn. And that frustrated Finn to no fucking end.
As he looked at Rey, her eyes searching his, waiting for advice, Finn knew he couldn't be true to his assignment. No one else had held this woman as she cried; no one else had listened to her story with a kind ear; no one else cared for her like Finn had.
Screw the rules. What Rey needed right now was a friend.
He scratched at his brow with his thumbnail. "Honestly? I don't know. I mean, it's a very tough situation to be in. I don't know if there's a right way to handle it. But sometimes going with your gut can help. That's what humans say, anyway."
She nodded her head slowly, digesting what he said. "Do you think he's really Ben?"
Finn would do his best to protect her, but he wasn't going to lie. Not about this. "You know... I do. I really think he's your Ben. How else can you explain him knowing your birth name and having those visions of you? It's him, Rey… and I think you know that."
"But he doesn't remember me. Why doesn't he remember me?" She posed the question as if Finn was the one who held the answer.
"I don't know." Really, he didn't. No one did. "Maybe, somehow, you could help him remember." For your sake, he thought. Not for anyone else.
Fear shone in her eyes. "But then I'll have to explain what I–"
"Hey guys." Rose appeared right next to Finn. "What's going on? Some band gossip?"
Rey really needed to cool it with the sharp looks whenever anyone used the word 'band' in reference to the music section. Luckily, Rose didn't seem to notice.
As Rose's stare rested on him, Finn tried to look at her like he was focusing on her in a professional way, one performer to another, someone who was a friend. But there was an undercurrent of a push-pull feeling between them that he couldn't deny.
Words fell out of Finn's mouth before he could stop them. "Nothing. Nothing's going on. We're not talking about anything. Nope. All good here."
What was it about attraction that turned people into bumbling fools? No, really, Finn needed to know so he could stop doing it every time Rose talked to him.
Rose's face fell. "If you don't want me here while you're talking to Rey, you can just say so."
"What? No, no, no. That's – that's not what–"
Rose's grave demeanor cracked with a smile as she smacked his shoulder. The fact that she touched him at all nearly made him collapse. "I'm just fucking with ya. Have you guys seen Poe? I had a question I needed to run by him."
"I haven't," Rey responded.
Rose looked to Finn, expecting a reply. "Probably out taking a smoke break or something." He didn't even try to hide the derision in his tone.
Rose quirked a brow. "You don't like Poe, do you?"
It wasn't that he hated the guy. They'd barely said three words to each other. But having an Angel suddenly pop up for the purpose of keeping an extra eye on Rey – and probably Finn by extension – irked him to no end.
He'd rather have a fellow Reaper as a babysitter. Angels were just so… pretentious. They carried themselves like they were better than everyone else, just because they forwent experiencing mortality to serve the Celestial Houses. And everyone knew that Poe was the most loyal and trusted Angel of Leia Organa – which probably gave him a huge superiority complex and a ton of freedom to do whatever he wanted. It made the guy unpredictable.
Finn shrugged. With great effort, he kept his voice even. "He comes off as a bit of a know-it-all. Like, he's the lighting tech, but he keeps undermining D'Acy all the time like he knows more than her or something."
"And do we even know why Poe replaced Sean a couple weeks ago?" Rey asked. "It was so out of the blue."
"I guess Rick texted him and the only thing Sean told him was that he got a better offer to work somewhere else," Rose explained.
What Sean no doubt believed to be a stroke of good luck, was actually Angels orchestrating a way to get one of their own closer to Rey.
"God, Rick…" Rey shook her head. "I can't believe he broke both his legs in an accident this morning."
"None of us can," Rose agreed with a frown. "I heard he's lucky to be alive. The car accident was pretty bad. And D'Acy is having one helluva time trying to figure out who can play Lombard. Next to Vera, his character survives till the end and has a lot of lines."
It definitely put Rose in a tight spot, since she was the one playing Vera.
Rose continued. "I overheard her talking to Spencer earlier about switching roles and then finding someone else to be Marston, since Marston is barely in the play. But Spencer doesn't want to do it. She even called some of the people who auditioned, but they're too busy."
"That's awful luck," Rey commented.
"That's community theatre for you." Rose blew out a breath. "We're all volunteers and don't have understudies. But I think I might have a solution. I have a friend coming here tonight to visit me who actually studied acting at Juilliard. I told D'Acy about him, and she said she would love to meet him. Seeing how we open next Friday, she needs to find someone, like, yesterday."
"Wow," Finn said. "He graduated from Juilliard?"
Rose's hand movements became increasingly flighty. "Well... he wasn't able to graduate because of some extenuating circumstances. But he's super talented. Or, I mean, the last time I saw him in a show, he was amazing. It's been a while since he's done anything, but I'm sure it'll all come back to him super quick."
"That's really nice of him to take the role a week and a half before opening night." Rey sounded impressed. "I would never do something like that. That's barely any time to practice."
"Yeah… so…" Rose was having a hard time looking at them. "He actually doesn't know anything about this."
Finn's head flinched back. "You haven't told him?"
"I just found out about Rick an hour ago along with the rest of you. And if he knew, he might not–" Rose's phone buzzed. She answered it immediately. "Hey, where you at?" She gave Finn and Rey a quick wave as she hurried toward the lobby. "Oh, Google Maps never sends you to the right location, you need to…."
Rose was out of sight.
"Guess her friend is almost here," Rey said.
"I hope he agrees to do it. D'Acy looks a bit… overwhelmed."
Rey and Finn both looked over at the woman. She was currently sitting on the edge of the stage, holding onto her coffee mug with both hands as she stared intently at the floor. She clearly wasn't relaxed – shoulders tense, jaw tight, and her upper body was slightly rocking back and forth.
No one dared to bother her.
Actors and stage crew mulled about, the whole production stuck in a sort of limbo until the whole Lombard situation could be figured out. With the break getting longer and longer, some of the cast took it upon themselves to run lines or work on a scene. But Finn stayed put, listening to Rey go off about a part of the music she thought could be written better. Seeing how he didn't really understand what she was talking about, Finn just nodded and agreed.
Suddenly, Rey stopped talking, eyelids peeling back as she gazed at something over his shoulder.
"Finn, Rey," Rose said from behind. Finn turned… and found that all he could do was stare.
Ben.
Rose's friend was… Ben?
… for fuck's sake.
"This is my friend I was telling you about," Rose continued, unaware of the tension growing within the group. "Ben, this is Finn and Rey. You guys, this is Ben."
There were no how are you doings or nice to meet yous being passed around. Nothing was said. Ben didn't even move. If it weren't for him wearing those dark sunglasses, he would've been way more readable. He sure was being very still, though.
Rose's eyes darted to each of them, finally noticing the strain. Just as she opened her mouth, a masculine voice cut in.
"Ben?" They all looked to the stage. Poe hopped off the platform, coming over to them with a grin that stretched ear to ear.
"Poe?" Ben said after a beat.
Poe brought Ben in for a hug. Ben's arms remained at his sides. "Holy shit, man. I haven't seen you in for-fucking-ever." Poe pulled back. "What, since the hospital in Germany?"
"That's the only place you've ever seen me," Ben grumbled.
"Wait... you know Ben?" Rose asked.
Poe clapped Ben on the shoulder, his palm staying there. Ben didn't even try hiding his discomfort. "I was a PA at LRMC in Germany. This guy was one of the patients I was assigned to."
Finn blinked in surprise. He didn't know the Angel had been with Ben overseas.
"Oh." Rose looked between the two men. "I didn't…. I've never met any of the men Ben served with."
"Because most of them are dead," Ben said bluntly. "And Poe and I didn't serve together. He worked at the hospital."
Poe's joyous expression fell away, his hand slipping from Ben's shoulder.
Nobody knew what to say after that. Finn wasn't sure Rey was even tracking the conversation. She was zoned out.
D'Acy made an appearance next to Rose, her voice cutting through the very awkward lull. "Rose, is this the friend you were talking about?"
"Uh, yeah, this is Ben Solo. Ben, this is the director of the play, Larma D'Acy."
"It's so good to meet you." D'Acy held out her hand. Ben shook it briefly, his hands covered in black leather gloves. He didn't return her smile. If D'Acy thought it odd for the man to be wearing sunglasses and gloves, she didn't show it. Or her desperation made her blind to it. "I can't tell you enough how grateful I am for you willing to take Rick's spot. I mean, thank God he's alive, but with him no longer able to play Lombard, I've been panicking trying to figure out what to do. And Rose told me you studied theatre at Julliard, which is quite impressive."
Finn could pinpoint the exact moment Ben's brain short-circuited. It was all in his tense body language.
D'Acy's eyes darted around as she got closer to Ben, lowering her voice as if she didn't want a lot of outside ears to hear the next part.
"I won't lie to you; at this point, I'm desperate. If you want the part, it's yours. Rose told me that you always had a knack for memorizing lines quickly, and that your talent for acting is above average. And I trust Rose's judgment. If you're available, we can have you jump right into practice tonight. At least go through the script. Are you familiar with Agatha Christie's book And Then There Were None?"
Ben didn't say anything. Finn wasn't even sure the guy was still breathing. Then – "Excuse me." Quick legs took him to the lobby and no doubt out the front entrance.
Rose was already on her way to get him, talking over her shoulder to D'Acy. "He… he's just overwhelmed. Let me go talk to him and we'll be right back, I swear!"
D'Acy wandered after her, but stopped next to the light booth, a deep frown overtaking her features.
Finn locked eyes with Poe. Both men nodded, regarding the other's existence before Poe disappeared backstage.
This... was not how Finn was expecting tonight to go.
Left alone with Rey, Finn focused on her. Whatever she was thinking, he couldn't read it on her pale face. "I'm sure he's not going to do it," he assured her. Though, if he did, it would mean the production was saved and Finn could keep seeing Rose. "Did you see how he reacted? Like a deer in the–"
Rey stood, careful not to knock over the cello at her feet. "I need some air." She passed the barricades and hurried across the stage, probably wanting privacy at the back of the building.
Finn stayed where he was. Thinking.
How in the hell did Angels swing it that Ben ended up coming to this theatre? Had they really gone so far as to hurt a human – causing Rick's accident – and opening up a way for Ben to take the part? But that didn't make any sense because of Rose. Ben would've never came down here if it weren't for her. And she wasn't an Angel. Just a human.
Could all this actually be fate?
()()()()()
As Ben rushed outside, he gasped for air as if he had just emerged from the depths of an ocean, starving for oxygen, lungs burning. But even with the sudden burst of adrenaline, his feet slowed and he felt the bile rising in his throat.
He needed… he needed a drink. No amount of dum dums could quell the rising panic and anger. This required whiskey – Glenfiddich 15-year-old Distillery Edition Single Malt Scotch Whiskey, to be exact.
He might be an alcoholic, but he had standards.
It had only been a couple hours since he pulled himself together after that run-in with Rey in the morning, but just like that, he teetered again, spiraling into a neurotic mess and coming down with the shakes because all he wanted was a fucking drink.
His hands scratched through his hair on repeat, probably making him look like that guy from the Ancient Aliens meme.
How could Rey be here?
How could Rose do this to him?
Fortunate for him, since the theatre was situated at the end of a quiet road, no one was outside to witness his frazzled state. Not that it mattered. He couldn't care what anyone thought of him at the moment.
Ben stood a few feet from the double doors, two large gardens on either side of the walkway, benches lining the perimeter. Not knowing what he should do. If he went home… could he resist temptation? Maybe he should go to a meeting. Or hit up his ex-sponsor, even though she was back in Los Angeles. But Bazine always told him that no matter the time or situation, that he should call her if–
The doors creaked.
He wheeled around, knowing who it was before he set eyes on her.
"What the fuck, Rose," Ben bit out, wisps of loose hair falling in his face.
Palms up, she spoke with careful intent. "I know. I know this is a lot and–"
"Did you fucking trick me into coming down here? For this?"
"No. I swear. I didn't find out about Rick till an hour ago, but... you were already coming here and I thought…." her voice lost momentum, her face falling with the realization of what she had done.
"You thought… what?" Ben prompted. Rose looked away. "Jesus, Rose. You know how I feel about all this shit," he pointed to the theatre. "Being here is a reminder of being a fucking failure and all the bad memories that go along with it."
"Then make some good memories," Rose implored. Ben scoffed, pushing his hair out of his face. "Right here. Ben, you're too talented not to get on stage ever again. And I know it kills you not to do it."
"I'm perfectly fine with being a lawyer," he retorted.
"Bullshit. You're great at your job and I'll admit, you being a lawyer has helped me out a lot in my life. But your passion is for acting; not for looking over contracts."
Ben wasn't sure of his expression. It was hard to focus past the ringing in his ears. Whatever he looked like, it was enough to ease Rose into nearing him.
"Ben, I know it's been a long time since I've seen you in anything, but when I did… God, it was beautiful. You made me laugh and cry and hate you all within a single performance. There's something so real and relatable about you when you become a character. You need to share that with an audience. Hell, the entire world. You could be an actual star."
He shook his head, his tone losing it's angry sting. "I didn't pursue acting to become famous."
"No, you did it for yourself. And that's why you're so talented."
"Don't–"
"You are. Don't even try arguing with me."
Ben plopped down onto a bench. "Whatever, none of that matters anyway. What happens when I get on stage without my sunglasses and see one of those fucking shadows? What if I touch someone and –." He didn't want to think about it. "These things I can do and see are disabilities. It limits what I can do."
"Fuck that." Rose sat next to him. "Your abilities have power over you because you give them power over you. Embrace yourself for who you are."
A chuckle escaped through his nose. "Easier said than done."
"Well, you gotta start somewhere. Why not here? Baby steps, Ben."
There was a long pause. He opened his mouth a few times, trying to find the right words. "Rose... I can't do this."
But 'this' had nothing to do with his abilities, and all to do with the fact he hadn't flexed his acting muscles in over a decade.
Rose picked up on what he was implying as she stared up at him with eyes that were filled with compassion and understanding. "Hey, this isn't Hollywood or Broadway. This is a small community theatre. Don't think about it as an obstacle, look at it as an opportunity."
There was another long silence. The background noise of Brooklyn traffic rose to fill the void.
He took off his sunglasses, rubbing his eyes between his forefinger and thumb. "What if I can't remember how to perform."
"You'd never forget something like that. And it's okay to want this, Ben. Stop punishing yourself for something you did over a decade ago."
"I almost killed a student in my class. He wasn't like the man who took you when you were younger. He was an innocent person. Something like that doesn't just leave you."
"You've paid your dues."
"Says who?"
"Says me." She stared at him more closely. "What does Kylo think?"
Ben hung his sunglasses from the collar of his sweater. "I've been blocking him all day."
"All day? You must be exhausted. I know it takes a lot of effort to shut him out."
"I'm fine."
He wasn't. A small part of him was worried over Kylo's long absence. And Ben hated how troubled he felt over it, wondering if he had pushed Kylo so deep into his subconscious that he couldn't get out.
He shouldn't be worried over that annoying piece of shit.
He shouldn't.
Rose's legs swung back and forth, her petite stature making it so her feet couldn't touch the ground. "Did you have a rough day at work?"
Fucking understatement.
"Something like that."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"Later."
"Okay." She nudged him with her shoulder. "Just so you know, it means a lot to me that you came down here to see me, that you put in that effort. I'm sorry… for bombarding you with this. I'll tell D'Acy that the play won't work with your schedule or something." She went to her feet, trying to placate him with a soft smile. "Don't worry about it."
She went for the door just as Ben caught movement out of his periphery. His eyes reflexively bounced to it, seeing that Rey had rounded the corner of the building. Their stares locked. She stopped, surprised, then hurried back the way she came, out of sight.
The next three words that came out of his mouth surprised Ben just as much as they surprised Rose. "I'll do it."
Rose's hand lingered on the handle as she looked over at him. "What?"
Yeah, what? he thought.
But… Rey was here. She was here and if he did this, they would see each other every night and during matinees and she couldn't run from him. Ignore him, maybe. But even then, he might be able to wear her down after apologizing to her at least three million times.
Also… he missed acting so fucking much. It was hard to admit, but he wanted this. Deserved it? Nope. But he was tired of punishing himself.
"I'll do it. Tell D'Acy that I'll do it. Just…" His gaze flickered to where Rey had been. Somehow, he could feel that she was still over there, hiding. "Can I have a few minutes alone?"
Rose had actual tears in her eyes as she hurried to him and gave him a hug. He patted her back. Even though she was the only person who could get away with giving him this kind of affection, it was still a bit uncomfortable.
"I'm so proud of you, Ben." She wiped at her eyes. Jesus, this really meant a lot to her. "And don't worry. I'll help you figure this out. I'll be there for you every step of the way."
The second Rose left him alone, Ben sprang to his feet and went to the side of the building. Rey was facing away from him.
He said her name.
As she turned, Ben gasped before he could hide his reaction, taken with just how beautiful she was. Her features were fine and feminine to the point of being delicate, her brows long and natural and perfectly balancing her face. Her bow shaped mouth and pinpoint nose were faultless, her shoulder length hair holding soft waves that begged for the touch of his fingers.
She was… otherworldly. Perfection. Almost unreal.
And her eyes glimmered with unshed tears.
He was somewhat aware that he had taken off his gloves, bunching them into his pockets.
There was still that temptation to act like he had earlier – being harsh and getting in her face, pressuring her until she cracked. It sickened him to even consider doing that. He hated Ben of the past almost as much as he hated his cursed abilities.
But he wanted answers.
Could he be patient? It wasn't a virtue he's really cultivated, because doing so in and of itself required, you guessed it, patience. But… he did know how to manipulate. Over the next month, he could subtly guilt her into making a confession without her even realizing it. It could work.
And it could end up hurting her in the end.
They stared back at each other, just taking in the other person.
He wanted to take her in his arms. Protect her from anything and everything. The urge was so strong, it pained him to deny it.
After all, they were virtually strangers.
()()()()()
Ben had said her name… and then proceeded to say nothing after that.
Rey was twisting her fingers so hard, it was a wonder they didn't pop off the sockets. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to spy on you or anything. I went out the back door and was locked out and I guess no one could hear me knocking so I came to the front thinking you probably already left and…." Her rambling died on her lips.
It was a while before Ben said anything. In the silence, Rey's brain turned the whole interaction into a multiple choice scenario of what he was going to do: A) Yell at her some more; B) Accuse her of being a liar; C) Toss around the word whore some more; or D)–
"The cello you have tonight… it's not the Stradivarius."
Okay…. Her D) had been along the lines of 'you're dead husband would be ashamed of you'. Or something like that. Not talk to her as if starting a civil conversation. "No. I never travel with it. I have a spare I bring to performances."
Ben shifted his weight between legs, stare going to the ground. "I'll pay for the damages on the cello–"
"You don't have to do that."
Those dark eyes lifted back to hers. "I need to."
"You really don't–"
"Please," he said softly.
With the way he delivered the appeal, his eyes silently pleading with her, Rey couldn't deny him. "If that's what you want."
"It is."
Comfort him, an inner voice told her. He needs you close.
She bit at her lip and didn't move. Her arousal simmered under the surface, adding another layer of confusion to this whole interaction.
As Ben just stood there, Rey felt the need to cut through the silence. "I took the cello to a luthier I trust, and he'll be able to smooth out the dents. The bridge is the only thing that broke, but it was new anyways."
"It wasn't the original bridge?"
"No. I do still have it, but it wasn't made to last like the body of the cello was. Bridges rarely are."
Ben's throat constricted as he swallowed. "I… I'm so very sorry. I'm just… I'm sorry. For earlier."
"Oh," was all Rey could say. He looked so sincere.
Another round of silence.
During the quiet moment, he refused to look at her. Not because he seemed mad, though. It was more like he was finished with all the drama and the mystery between them. Like he was either giving up or wanting to move past it.
Rey couldn't tell which.
He ran a hand through his black hair. Rey admired his long fingers, perfectly manicured nails, remembering what it felt like to have him touch her… be in her.
Ask him where he lives. Is it close by?
"So…" Rey breathed out, putting her hands in the pockets of her red jacket so he wouldn't notice her trembling. "You're doing the play, then?"
He nodded. "And you're in the orchestra?"
"Yep."
"Guess we'll be seeing each other a lot."
I could be seeing you a lot more at your place. Or mine.
Stop it, Rey scolded herself.
"Guess so," she was able to say through a tightening throat.
"I hope that doesn't bother you, since I was so… terrible this morning. Which I'm immensely sorry for. I'm sorry."
"How many times do you plan on apologizing to me?"
"The number is up there in the millions."
They both shared a chuckle. His sincerity was genuine, that much she could tell.
Both were having a difficult time trying to keep up the conversation, the moment laced with uncertainty. More on her part than his, Rey supposed. But for some reason, she didn't want to stop talking to him. Hearing his voice. Watching his expressive face.
Ben bit at his lip, and the subtle movement made her focus on his mouth. He had a really nice mouth – a full bottom lip, a round top, nice and red and perfectly pouty. She remembered how soft it felt–
"Look," he said, somewhat serious. "I'm not going to lie, it's difficult not to get in your face right now and demand that you tell me the truth. I'm sorry that I did that when we first met… but the urge to do it is still there."
Oh.
That made her forget all about his lips real quick.
"I don't–"
"Please don't lie," Ben said softly, like he was so very tired. "Please, just… stop embarrassing yourself by trying to lie to me. You're not very good at it. If you want to keep things to yourself... then there's nothing I can do about it, because I can't go back to being the person you dealt with earlier. I just can't fucking do it. I'm not going to ruin myself in an effort to get answers from you, answers you clearly don't want to give me. I'm exhausted, and I don't know if I'm mentally prepared to handle whatever the fuck is going on between us. When things get out of control, I'm more tempted to call it quits on my sobriety. And if that happens…. I don't like feeling like a failure; I don't want to start all over again. I don't think I can survive it like I did last time. So, how about we just tolerate each other from here on out."
No! Rey internally wailed. Throw your arms around him. Give him whatever he wants so he won't leave!
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. It was like three people were having this conversation: Ben, her, and this inner voice that kept yelling at her to throw caution to the wind. The thing the inner voice didn't seem to realize was that if Rey gave Ben the truth, she'd lose him all over again. It wasn't even a maybe – he would leave her.
Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he'd understand.
She just… she wanted to be with him so badly. She'd been without him for so long. Too long.
"Tolerate?" The word tasted bitter on Rey's tongue.
"You know, like if I see you at rehearsal, I'll ask you, "How are you doing?" and then you respond with, "I'm fine." Like two normal people would. Or people who are acquaintances. You think you can do that?"
No. "Yes."
"Great." He stared at her. She stared right back. "Well…" He motioned with his chin to the building. "I should–"
"Yeah, of course."
Watching him walk away from her was a punch to the gut she hadn't been anticipating. A metal baseball bat right to the abdomen couldn't have done it better.
Opening her mouth to call out to him, to stop him, she decided better of it.
That was it. Ben wanted nothing to do with her, and she couldn't do anything to change–
He stopped a foot from the front door. His eyes slowly moved in her direction before his head could catch up.
He looked unsure, as if he were fighting back saying something to her. "Can I have your number?"
Rey blinked. Then, not even caring about pride, she forwent using the sidewalk and climbed over one of the benches. She half-ran through the side garden, careful not to pummel any of the newly planted flowers or foliage. She stopped a little too close to him, aware of the way his eyes dragged along her body. But he didn't back away from her.
"You want my number?" she asked.
"Yeah…. So I can contact you about your cello."
"Oh." Rey placed a hand at the center of her chest as a dull ache abruptly flared into something she was all to familiar with – disappointment.
She had interpreted his question all wrong.
Ben eyed her movement, frowning. Rey lowered her hand, not meaning to have been so obvious with her feelings.
"You don't have to give it to me if you don't want to."
"No," Rey said a little to quickly. "No, it's fine. I don't mind."
Ben pulled out his phone, opening up his contacts so he could add her in. She told him her number, and she was close enough to watch him punch it in. And then he started on her name: Lorr–
He stopped. They locked eyes.
Her heart hammered so hard, she could feel it in her throat, in her head, behind her eyes. She lifted her hand and slid his phone from his grip… and finished typing in her name – Lorraine. She handed him back his phone. He just stared at it.
After a very long time, he whispered, "Are you toying with me?"
"No."
Ben closed his eyes and gripped his cell phone. Hard.
Before Rey could talk herself out of it – part of herself didn't want to look at the situation logically– she placed her palm over his fist, the one that was currently crushing the innocent mobile device.
His eyes snapped open, lips parting.
Her other hand got in on the action, her thumbs caressing his knuckles, eyes following the veins protruding from his skin. She brought it up to her lips and gave the back of his hand a lingering kiss.
Ben gasped… and moved closer to her. She didn't want to stop feeling him. She rubbed her cheek against his smooth skin, as if she were an animal seeking out a comforting touch.
"I don't want to just tolerate each other," Rey confessed. Taking a chance. Giving in. "I don't want to pretend like I don't want to be close to you or ignore what this is between us."
"I–" Ben stammered. Rey felt a weight atop her head. It was Ben's other hand, smoothing down her hair to her neck, repeating. "I had a plan. I had a…."
Rey shamelessly whimpered as his fingers tangled deep in her hair, nails scratching lightly at her scalp. "I'll tell you everything," she finds herself saying… and meaning it. His movements stopped. She looked up at him, not fearing the intensity of his gaze. "I'll tell you the truth… but I need time."
His throat contracted as he swallowed. "How much time?"
"I'm not sure. I… I did bad things. I made terrible mistakes that I'd give anything to take back, but I can't. The guilt… if it could, it would've killed me by now. And I would've let it."
"I can understand that." His eyebrows pulled down in concentration. "Regret. Guilt."
Her blinking quickened, trying to quell the moisture accumulating in her eyes. "I was such a horrible person." To you, she finished in her mind.
His hand rested gently on the nape of her neck, keeping her in place. "I know a thing or two about being a horrible human being."
"Not like this."
"Do I need to remind you about how I acted this morning? Whatever you've done, I've probably done it, too."
"I doubt it."
She was expecting him to back away, to tell her that he didn't want to waste his time–
Okay, wow. He was smiling at her. "Should we make this a competition? Who's done worse?"
God, his voice.
She tried not to look like she was blushing. "I'd win."
"Pretty sure I'd win."
God, the dark hair, the soft eyes, his beautiful lips, the height and breadth of him… were exactly as she remembered. Maybe even better. Maybe even more attractive.
Breathless, she said, "In this situation, it's better to be the loser."
His fingertips started massaging the sides of her neck and the back of her hair. Her spine shivered. "That's not usually how a competition works."
Breathing deeply, her core twisting and fluttering, her eyes closed. Rey didn't mean to let out a moan. But she couldn't fight the impulse.
"You shouldn't do that," Ben growled, his breath spreading across her lips. He was close now.
She opened her eyes lazily. "Do what?"
"Make noises like that. It makes me want to…" He didn't need to finish that sentence. Rey felt it too, like the arousal blossoming between them had a pulse all it's own, connected to each of their hearts.
He pressed his lips to the little crease between her brows, and Rey… Rey wanted those lips somewhere else. Everywhere. It wasn't hard to imagine. Memories of Ben devouring her were still so sharp in her mind. Still so cherished.
Dragging his mouth back and forth across her forehead, it was such a tender motion. He exhaled. "How much time do you need? I hope you aren't thinking months."
How Rey was even able to speak was beyond her understanding. "Just weeks."
"Mmm…" His lips lingered on her forehead before he pulled back, his eyes hazy and filled with wanting. "Okay. Weeks I can do."
"And you'll... still talk to me in the meantime?" she asked quietly. "Not just ask me in passing how I'm doing?"
His head tilted to the side. "You want me to talk to you?"
"Yes. I would really like to get to know you, before…."
"Before what?"
She glanced away from him, stomach roiling. "After I tell you everything, you won't want anything to do with me."
"I know I don't look it, but I'm a pretty understanding person. How I acted when we first met… I know it's asking a lot, but can we put that behind us and start over? Can you give me a second chance?"
A second chance. Something Rey had dreamed about for herself – which was why she nodded. Allowing Ben to start over with her was something she hoped and prayed Ben would let her do with him.
That saying her mother always used to tell her popped in her head: Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Rey would like to be treated with mercy.
Ben untangled himself from her, stepping back. Rey panicked at feeling the loss of his touch.
But then he stretched his hand out toward her, waiting. "Hi, I'm Ben Solo – lawyer and recovering asshole."
Rey lightly laughed. There was a charm about him that was becoming more and more evident.
Ben smiled. It was the same slow, quiet smile he used to give her, the kind that made her dizzy.
Rey slid her hand into his, feeling every molecule in her body align from just a simple touch. "I'm... Lorraine Kennedy. But I go by Rey."
"Rey," he said, like he was trying out her name. "It suits you more than Lorraine."
Rey grinned and nibbled at her lip. They were still shaking hands, neither of them wanting to cut off contact. "That's what the person said when he gave it to me."
Ben stopped moving his arm. "Was it your husband? Was he the one who gave you the nickname?"
It was you. You gave me my name. "Yes."
His hand fell away from hers, his demeanor shifting to something solemn. "Do you miss him?"
You're right here. "Yes." Ben looked to the ground, jaw tight. The moment between them had morphed into something… sad. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I just… I can't help but wish that I was the one to call you that and not him." His eyes widened, as if realizing what he just said. Inhaling deeply, he sighed out the words. "It's stupid and insensitive to think. We barely know each other. I'm sorry for being inconsiderate toward your late husband's memory."
Rey wasn't sure how to proceed, seeing how Ben was her late husband.
"Ben." Her hand was on his arm. He softened. Did he think she would be upset at him? "I'm more interested in moving forward than being stuck in the past."
He nodded, the corner of his mouth ticking upward. "Thank you." Rey looked into Ben's eyes. They were… beautiful eyes, a rich amber. Thickly lashed. Deeply set.
He reached for the door, opening it. "After you."
She bowed her head shyly and he followed her inside, all the while unaware that they had an observer.
Across the street in the parking lot, partly hidden behind a truck, the tip of a cigarette glowed a fiery red as Poe took a long drag.
A/N
If you're still confused about what is going on, you're supposed to be. I haven't explained everything yet. It's all coming out in bits and pieces.
But hey, Ben and Rey seem to be headed in a much better direction, right? At least for now. Their relationship will be a bumpy one, but it will be worth it in the end. Gotta earn that HEA!
