A Promise of Home
This Quantum Leap™ story utilizes characters that are copyright © by Bellasarius Productions and Universal Studios. No infringement on their respective copyrights is intended by the author in any way, shape or form. This fan fiction story is written solely for the entertainment of the readers and is not for profit. All fiction, plots, and original characters are the sole creations of the author.
Face to Face
The Admiral woke up on the couch in his office, drenched, having sweated clear through his hunter green silk shirt. It pasted itself to his body and felt cold and uncomfortable. The only light came from the digital clock announcing it was past midnight. He could barely make out Verbena curled up in his big leather desk chair. It made him smile to hear a sweet little wheezing snore from her. Trying carefully not to wake her, he made his way out of the room and toward his apartment for a change of clothes.
The walk to his place wasn't that long, but each step was fought for and hard won. His head hurt like hell and the damp silk sticking to his skin chilled his bones. A hot shower helped a lot, even if it did tire him out. Then his favorite loose-fitting cotton sweater slipped over his head, though virtually all his clothes were loose-fitting now. The effort required a few minutes of rest.
Sitting in his favorite chair, he leaned back and dragged his bare feet up on the ottoman. His fingers went to his forehead and lightly massaged his headache. From out of the comer of his eye, he caught sight of the scar encircling his left wrist and he automatically began rubbing it instead.
A yawn brought him back to this reality and his job. The effort to put on socks and shoes required a few more minutes of rest time and it pissed him off. He was going down fast and he realized that not only was his life ending, it was ending soon. His hands grabbed the arms of the chair and pushed a lot harder than he thought necessary. Rising slowly and with a groan, he made his slow way toward the Control Room. Ziggy slid open the door for him and he reached for the handlink. "Gooshie, where's Sam now?"
"With Beth and your in-laws. The young you is bleeding right now and they're waiting to hear from the doctors."
This was not good timing, but he had to get to Sam. Maybe Ziggy could give him something. "You have anything new for me, Zigala?"
The sexy computer answered, "I'm afraid that any projections on my part would be pure speculation."
That seemed obvious. "Yeah, so? We always work on odds."
"That's not what I mean, Admiral. You're the one controlling the outcome here. What I predict is meaningless. Everything depends on your personal decisions."
The idea that he was in control almost knocked him off his feet which wouldn't have taken much anyhow. He leaned against the console to steady his weak legs. "What about GodTimeFateWhatever?" The possible controllers of Sam's leaps had long ago turned into one long Mary Poppins word.
The computer spoke with a touch of arrogance. "GodTimeFateWhatever has placed the responsibility for this leap in your hands, Admiral Calavicci. I suggest you act with restraint and great care. You're going to affect a lot of lives by your actions."
A reproach from a computer, even if it was Ziggy was more than he needed to hear. "Shut up, you refugee from the Matrix." With as strong a step as he could muster, he marched into the air-conditioned Imaging Chamber, shook with the chill, and ordered, "Center me on Sam."
Ordinarily the slight spinning sensation didn't bother him, but with the pounding in his head, he fought to stay on his feet. When he landed, he found Sam sitting across the waiting room from Beth, Ellen and Tom. Sam didn't hear him enter until the Admiral whispered, "Mom and Dad."
Seeing the Admiral delighted Sam's heart, but his friend looked so sick that the delight did not last more than a few seconds. Turning to the Waterston family, Sam said, "I'll be right back." It was Al's cue to follow Sam which is exactly what he did. When safely away from people Sam turned to his best friend. "What are you doing here? You look like hell."
"Listen, I'm breaking my ass trying to get you through this leap. I don't need you crabbing at me. Understand?" Sam felt a bit of shame. He hadn't meant to put Al on the spot. The Admiral continued, "Why don't all of you see that what I'm doing is right?" The tirade by was completely unwarranted and triggered by fatigue, fear, PTSS, and pure pain. "It isn't fair to put Beth through this again. She lives through it now. I can't do it to her again in the future. Damn it. Why can't you see?"
Sam wanted to help Al to a chair and calm him down, but he couldn't touch the hologram and his own pain, pain of heart jumped up another notch. "Please, Al. I'm sorry. This is hard for me, so I can't imagine what you're going through."
"I got to sit down." Without anymore warning, he practically fell down to the floor. For Al the floor was in the Imaging Chamber. For Sam it was the middle of a back hallway, not the best spot to be talking. "Al, I'm going to a park bench outside about 50 yards from the front door. Center yourself there. I'll meet you." He watched Al access the handlink and blip out.
The elevator was past the waiting room where Beth was sitting. He stopped in to talk to her. Al's sad wife was now in her father's arms. She hid in his big embrace and still whimpered. Ellen held Beth's hand. He definitely was excess baggage here. "Beth, I want to go for a short walk. I promise I won't be long."
The Admiral's mother-in-law spoke up, "Can I walk with you to the elevator?" While drying a tear on Beth's cheek, Ellen assured her daughter, "I'm just going down the hall. Will you be okay?" Beth nodded.
Sam and Ellen walked along the hollow sounding corridor. "I want to thank you for what you've done for Beth. She told us how supportive you've been."
"I'm just sorry Al came home so badly hurt."
"Beth isn't very coherent right now. Can you tell me, is Al . . ." Words caught in her throat. "Oh, I can't even say it. We prayed every day he would come home to us. Then when Beth called, it was a miracle. He is such a miracle. Is he going to die?"
Again, Sam knew the truth and revealed it to this terrified mother in the only way that made sense. "No one can say for certain, but I have strong feelings he's going to make it and he's going to do great things with his life. Don't count him out, yet."
Ellen felt comfort in Sam's words and that pleased them both. "Thank you, Janie." She hugged Beth's and now her best friend.
The elevator door opened and Sam left to meet up with Al.
From his perspective, it looked like Al was sitting under a tree near the bench Sam mentioned. It was a great spot for them to work things through. Sam sat next to the ill Admiral and said nothing. He didn't know what to say and rather than stick his foot in his mouth, he opted to wait for a cue from his friend.
Al, on the other hand, was trying to feel well enough to convince Sam that screwing up his marriage to Beth and letting him become the leaper were both sensible options. So they sat, saying nothing and wondering exactly what could be said. The silence finally ended up being too noisy for Al and he asked Sam, "Why don't you want to come home?"
It wasn't a matter of what he wanted. Certainly, he wanted to be back at the project, in his real time, but the plan Al was suggesting was impossible for him to agree to. "I can't do that by having you commit suicide."
"I'm terminally ill." He gulped down a big breath, "Which is politically correct for 'I'm dying.' How is that suicide?"
It was a good question and Sam had no answer. "I don't know, but you're giving up hope and that isn't like you. Look at you now, I mean at Bingo. He didn't give up and he made it."
Al had to smile at that. People were quick to believe he had been kissed by God and given some kind of divine strength of heart, but it wasn't so. He survived because he knew he only had two options, dying or living and he didn't want to die alone, lonely, and terrified. He survived the hell of Vietnam out of fear of being forgotten and left behind, not courage. People just didn't seem to understand. "You're mistaking terror for bravery, kid. I was too scared to die. It would have been better if I had, but I didn't have the guts."
"That makes no sense at all."
"That's because you weren't there. I know leaping hasn't been easy for you and I don't mean to compare our experiences. I know you've had to face a lot of fear, but so far, I haven't seen anything that compares with what we went through. You get a break. Some leaps are fun. You play ball, you get the girl, you save a life. For us, it was wondering from day to day if we were going to get food. I didn't know if the water they gave me to drink was going to make me sick. They did that sometimes, gave us bad water so that we could spend hours with heaves so bad we'd end up tossing blood. You didn't know if you'd wake up to a day of being whipped or maybe staked out under the sun stripped naked, smeared with honey so the red ants would crawl into every opening you had and bite." The memories weighed on his already weary shoulders. His body sagged even more and the disappointment in himself took its toll. Sarcasm wasn't easy to miss. "Yeah, I was brave and courageous. Big fucking deal. If I had any sense, I would have died and made everybody's life easier."
This conversation was one Sam never anticipated having with his dear friend. This wasn't Al Calavicci, not the man he knew. "You're not thinking straight right now. Maybe it's the tumor or seeing yourself here at Balboa, I don't know, but you have to stop this."
"Why? If I could change anything about this leap, I'd make it so I die now." That's when the light went on in Al's mind. "That's it, Sam. You don't have to make me divorce Beth. It will be easier for everyone if you make it so I die here. That way she doesn't feel like it was her fault when it's really mine. She can be a war widow." The idea gave him more energy than he thought he had left. "And if I die, she'll get all my benefits. I got nearly 180 thousand when I got home. It can be hers and she can marry again." As quick as the boost came, it flew away. His eyes closed under the weight of keeping them open. "This is perfect."
Panic heaved through Sam's body from his head to his toes. "If you die now, then what about Quantum Leap? I can't do this without you."
"Then maybe you'll end up home with no memory of me at all." He punched code into the handlink. "Ziggy says that's what would happen." A few more seconds at the handlink gave Al even more ammunition, "And you won't leap early. Sam, you won't leap early. This is even more perfect. Figure a way to kill me now, in your time." The Admiral was hurting in heart, mind and body. His failing eyes pleaded, "Please give me this gift."
The ludicrousness of the situation was beyond all understanding for Sam. With language he never thought he could use, Sam yelled at his best friend. "I will not murder you in any God damn time line! Got it?"
Imploring eyes turned angry. "Yeah, I got it. When you want something for yourself, no problem, but when it comes to me or anyone else, screw it."
The accusation stabbed Sam. "Now you're talking stupid."
Sam could see another light bulb click on is Al's very ill brain. The hologram accessed the handlink and with each answer, punched in another query. A malevolent smile crossed his face. "Good. I'll take care of it." Al vanished from Sam's sight leaving the leaper trying to figure out what the hell the Admiral meant.
The hullabaloo ended and Bingo rested quietly, more pale and more drawn looking, if that were possible. A nurse and an orderly cleaned away the bloody sheets. Ellen entered to see her son-in-law for the first time since his return. She couldn't believe what she saw. Part of her wanted to hold him in her arms and cradle him like the pathetic child he resembled, but concern for his fragile body stopped the thought cold. The massive hurt on his face made her mother's heart cry and instinct took over. She sat at his side, picked up his hand and put her face close to his. There was nothing she could say or do to help, so she did what comes naturally to any mother comforting her child. She sang, just in time to have the Bingo's future version pop in unseen.
Like Beth, Disney tunes were near the top of the list and in her own sweet voice she began, "Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes." The Admiral popped in hoping Bingo was alone, but instead, there was the only mother figure in his life treating him with kindness he rarely experienced from his biological mother. Ellen kept singing, " Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine."
The sound was more than Bingo wanted to believe could be true, his red eyes struggled open and he turned toward the comforting voice beside him. With whispers he said, "Mom? Mom?" The Admiral cringed at hearing his young self revert to a hurting little boy calling out for a mother.
It didn't seem to bother Ellen at all. If anything, it gave a focus to her actions. "I'm here, honey. You're back home with us."
A little boy confessed, "It hurts."
"Oh, I know, but the hard part is over. Beth and I and your Dad will be right here for you."
The Admiral shook his head. He knew that he was throwing away the love these glorious people wanted to shower on him. Walking to the other side of the bed, he started talking to Bingo hoping that Ziggy's odds were correct and somehow, the young version would hear. "Can you hear me?" Bingo didn't move his gaze from Ellen. "Come on. I got a 78 percent chance you can hear me and it better be good enough." With that, Bingo started to turn toward his alter ego. The Admiral, encouraged by the movement, kept talking. "You have to listen to me. If you live, Beth's life will be all messed up. If you really love her, you'll die now."
Bingo softly said, "I love Beth. I really love her."
The quiet comment filled Ellen's sad heart with a kind of peace. "I know, baby. She knows, too."
The Admiral had to ignore Ellen. Even looking at her made him doubly realize what he was giving up. "You got to listen. It's time to give up. If you die, it frees Beth. Do you understand?"
Some connection burst into being between both Al Calaviccis. The broken young man reflected the Admiral's sentiment. "I have to die."
The Admiral made contact and continued before it was lost. "Right, you do that and everything will work out."
Ellen argued, "No, you can't die now, Al. There's too much ahead for you and Beth. Your life is just beginning."
Admiral Calavicci, embittered by the loss of his Beth years earlier, bullied the young lieutenant. "Do you know who I am?" Bingo started to look toward Al. "Look at me, Lieutenant." Finally their eyes met and Bingo recognized the impossibility standing next to him. "You're not crazy. I am you. I'm the only one who's never lied to you, so you hear me out. It's time that you do something right for once. It won't take much to die. All you have to do is give up."
His sudden return to civilization already twisted Bingo's mind into pretzels. Seeing his own image tell him to die confused him more. He reiterated, "I have to give up."
Ellen stroked his face and smiled. "No, you don't. Giving up isn't your way. That's why you made it home after all these years."
"She doesn't know what she's talking about." Al hadn't planned on this encounter with Bingo ending up a debate.
The door to the hospital room opened bringing Beth and Stuart in on the situation. Ellen rose and directed Beth to Al's side. "Honey, he needs your help. He's talking about wanting to die."
Beth leaned over and kissed him. "You can't die now. I won't let you. You understand."
His commander's voice growled out with authority. "If you love Beth, you'll die, Lieutenant and die soon."
Pained eyes looked at Beth, "He says I have to die to make you happy."
"Who says, Al?"
The truth made no sense, but he stammered, "Me, I think."
It wasn't going how the Admiral wanted. "Great. Now they're going to think you're crazy."
Bingo stood his ground as best he could. "I'm not crazy."
The crowd grew by one when Sam entered. Beth tried to soothe Bingo's growing agitation. "No one thinks you're crazy, Al."
"I have to die." Al started coaching his counterpart, "Because if I die." And the voices almost became unison, "Because if I die, you can remarry and have the life you deserve."
As Bingo reiterated Al's words, Beth shook her head saying, "No, no, no. I only want you."
Sam had to talk to the Admiral. Addressing young Al, he asked, fully knowing the answer, "Where is the person that's saying you should die?" Bingo's skeletal fingers pointed to Al's location. "Can I talk to him?"
The Admiral was losing ground and he knew standing up to Sam was going to be hard. "Don't do this to me, Sam. For God's sake, don't. Please, let me die and make things right."
Bingo nodded, giving Sam permission to talk to the hologram. Facing this friend, Sam started in. "Listen, now. I want you to hear me out. Giving up is not an option for the lieutenant. It never was before and won't be now. How dare you say deserting people who love you is the right thing to do? What kind of arrogance is that?"
The Admiral hated Sam's words. "Sam, stop it, please. It's the only way."
Pointing to the sick man on the bed he asserted, "He's going to have kids. You want those children to never be born? Think about how special those kids will be."
Stuart thought Sam's game was a group activity and joined in. "The man I know won't give up anyhow. He's got more courage than that. To hell with you, whoever you are. Let him alone. I want my son here with me, so get lost and go bother someone who thinks dying solves problems."
For the first time since he knew Admiral Calavicci, Sam saw the weight of tears drop his friend to the floor. "Sam, it hurts too much. No one knows how bad it is. Let me take the easy way out for once, please."
Sam knelt next to his fallen buddy. "You need help and Beth, Ellen and Stuart can be there for you. The easy way is to let them into your life, not shut them out. Can't you see that?"
Beth had no image of Admiral Calavicci to validate her friend's actions. To her, it all looked bizarre. "Janie, what are you doing?"
"Grasping at straws." Taking Bingo's other hand Sam declared, "The stuff that man told you was stupid. He's not thinking straight. That happens sometimes when you're sick and he's very sick. Thing is, he doesn't want help from the people who love him the most. I think that's really sad. He could have so much and he's willing to settle for less than nothing. You have to make up your own mind, Lieutenant, but I think it's an easy decision, don't you?"
Al got to his feet, punched in some code and vanished again. Sam worried that he'd gone too far. It especially worried him when Bingo, like Al had a few moments earlier, began to cry. In his condition, that kind of emotional release could achieve the Admiral's goal.
With more authority than he had actual claim to, Stuart informed everyone, "He's gone and he won't come back."
Verbena grabbed the handlink and then supported her leader as he slumped to the floor. He wasn't interested in any help and let her know. "Leave me alone. I'm fine."
"You don't look fine to me." She tried to keep him down.
He managed to get onto his hands and knees. "Get the hell away from me."
There were times when Al's stubbornness was authoritative and even comforting to those who were less used to the stress of command, but then there were the occasions when he simply was a mule and no amount of carrots would get him moving in an appropriate direction. Usually, Verbena just let him ride out those times, but this was different. His life was in jeopardy and compromise on her part was not possible. "Admiral, you know I have medical authority here. If I have to, I'll declare you incompetent. How does that sound?"
Before responding, he worked himself back onto his feet. His eyes burned with anger and she knew it. The quiet in his voice was more terrifying than his yelling especially since his eyes had popped blood vessels and red corneas bore into her. "Fuck you. No one takes away my command. Now, how does that sound?"
As sick as he was, it still didn't take much for Al to be intimidating and it worked. "Okay, but please, listen to me. If you want your plan to work, then you need time to get the details straight. Working this hard will only get you dead faster. Please, get some rest."
There was no way he'd admit her warning made sense, so he simply told her, "I'll be in my quarters."
She wanted to go with him, make sure he got home safely and especially make sure he got into bed for much needed and deserved rest, but hell would host the winter Olympics before that happened. Once out of her sight, she spoke to Ziggy. "Monitor the Admiral and keep me informed of his whereabouts, but be discreet."
"I'm always discreet, Doctor, especially when it comes to the Admiral."
