WhiteDemonFeathers: Thanks for liking the last update! I'm glad the worldbuilding part wasn't confusing for you. I think when I'm done writing the whole story, I'm going to rework some of the chapters and sprinkle some of the worldbuilding tidbits a bit earlier than I did. I put a lot of info in the last chapter, but I already have an idea of where to move some of the stuff around. Hope everything is going well with you and thank you so much for leaving a comment! Leomae2.0: I'm glad you gave this story a shot and have been liking it so far! Since this is a Star Wars AU, I do take some liberties when it comes to the characters and their personalities. Some things about them will be different than how they are in Star Wars. If this is a hard thing to look past, I totally get it. I do agree that Leia in Star Wars is a very forgiving person and I do believe she forgave Ben for killing Han. However, in this fic, she isn't exactly like that. She can come across as an antagonist at times. I will say, hopefully without giving away too much, that each character in this story does have redeeming qualities. They've done bad things, but no one is fully evil/bad. Leia does have a character/redeeming arc she will be going through, and I think by the end, she does become more likeable. But I am biased to this story (lol). Interesting how you brought up Palpatine... yes, he will be in this story, as will Anakin and Padme. Just not in a way anyone probably expects. About Kylo... hmmmmm. How to answer this without giving a lot away. You are asking really good questions! :) I guess I'll say that Kylo is his own entity (I think that's a good word to use). It will be revealed exactly who/what Kylo is. Rey will start developing similar abilities like Ben, just not all the same ones as him, though. There's a reason for that, too. I love how you have so many questions! I do plan on answering as many (if not all) as I can throughout the entirety of the story. I'm one of those people who needs all the answers when reading a book or watching a movie/TV show. I'm not the biggest fan of things purposely being left vague. I hope you continue enjoying the story and I really appreciate the review you left! Comments like these help to push me to write at a quicker pace. Thank you so much!

HEADS UP: This chapter takes place completely in the past... and is really explicit. If you don't like reading sex and smut, you can skip past it. It starts in the middle of the chapter and doesn't go on for a super long amount of time. I bolded the first two words of a paragraph where you can start to skip, and then just look for the next two bolded words where you can start reading from.

As always, I'm not a pro writer by any means, and there is probably plenty of writing mistakes in here. But we are here to just have fun and go along for the journey! So please, have mercy on me. :)

Chapter 11: A Fight Between Should and Shouldn't

London 1911, May 5th:

As Lorraine bent down to smell one of the tulips – a chatterbox of pinks, reds, and purples abound – a cool breeze rustled her dark green skirt and wound through her loose hair. She stood, brushing her long locks over her shoulder, having taken off her wide brimmed hat to set her hair free once arriving at Armitage's country home.

With the promises of warmth finally fulfilled with Spring, Lorraine wore her light cotton white blouse, her satin sash cinching in her small waist and aiding her corset in giving her a womanly figure. It was a more casual and modest look, but she didn't feel the need to get formally dressed to spend an evening with Ben.

Alone, it turned out.

Lorraine had told her parents that Ben would be accompanying her to Charlotte's for the evening, when really, Armitage had invited them both for dinner. Even though Armitage would be there, Lorraine still didn't think her parents would allow her to come. Hence, the lie. She didn't even have to work on the delivery all that much. They were too preoccupied in getting ready for a charity ball in London to have a moment to be suspicious of her plans. Her mother even had to use Lorraine's lady's maid when it came to getting her gown prepared.

No one was paying Lorraine any attention.

Ben had picked her up on horseback, and it had been a thrill to have his arms around her as she sat in front of him.

When they had arrived, they came upon a note pinned to the door. In short, it explained that dinner was on the table and they were to help themselves. A private matter had come up, which required Armitage's presence in the city the rest of the evening. He'd even had the chef and footmen leave with him.

Ben and Lorraine had the house to themselves.

Ben protested at first, not finding it proper. What would her parents think? Lorraine told of the lie she had given them, which didn't seem to sit well with him. But no one would know they were alone, except Armitage. And his friend didn't seem to mind, even writing that he wouldn't tell anyone.

Lorraine walked in before Ben could make a decision, planting herself in a seat at the table. She lifted the steel lid on her plate and started in on the roasted quail, potatoes, and mixed vegetables. Whoever Armitage's chef was, the man was really talented at his occupation.

Ben reluctantly joined her. They ate in awkward silence, which annoyed Lorraine. Once full, she ventured out to Armitage's garden on the side of the house, wondering if Ben would follow her.

He did.

Seeing that had made her beam.

With a flourish of romanticism, the gradual setting sun blossomed red and gold across the sky, the sporadic clouds inked in a pale pink. It was a beautiful evening.

Ben sat on the black metal bench situated between the carefully pruned symmetrical bushes, content with watching Lorraine walk around and observe the growing vegetation. She was impressed that Armitage had planted all the flowers and berry bushes himself, taking up the mantle of maintenance all on his own.

"You were amazing last night," Ben said to her, his deep voice making her stomach flip. Lorraine smiled at him, seeing that he was finally comfortable enough to start a conversation. "Armitage said you're the talk of London this morning. Everyone at the office kept asking him about you, since they know he's acquainted with you through me."

He crossed his legs casually and rested his arms along the back of the bench, no longer wearing his black pinstriped suit jacket. It allowed Lorraine to see how snug he wore his vest, the rolled up sleeves of his dress shirt showing the muscles in his forearms. How big his hands were.

Even with the setting sun, the heat still lingered a bit, a bead of sweat forming between her breasts. "Could you tell I was nervous?"

The corner of his mouth ticked upward. "Not at all."

"Good. Hopefully the audience didn't notice either." She'd been invited to play a solo at the London Symphony, her fourth time doing so. Still, even with some experience under her belt, performing in such a grand setting such as that would take time getting used to.

"You're a prodigy, Rey," he complimented sincerely.

"That's what everyone keeps telling me."

"You don't believe them?"

She shrugged. "I just don't think the word prodigy applies to me."

"Why not?"

"Learning the cello was never really difficult for me." It was odd to admit it outloud, that she felt like a fraud. "I didn't have to try as hard, like other people I know. And if I didn't put as much effort into it as they did, do I deserve the praise?"

"Rey–"

"I guess it feels like there's nothing really special about me."

Ben regarded her steadily, then said, "You are special. And you do deserve recognition."

"Even if I didn't work as hard for it?"

"Everyone has a certain propensity toward a particular talent. Yours just happens to be the cello. There's nothing wrong with being praised for that."

His dark amber stare was bottomless, something she could fall into and not mind the plunge. In her dreams, she had done just that. Filthy things… things unladylike. And all the while, she saw his eyes, her dreams perpetually glazed in amber. She was growing accustomed to touching herself while reliving them, bringing herself–

"How has school been?"

"Huh?" Lorraine asked, blinking herself out of being sucked back into one of her… fantasies.

A smile slinked its way across his lips. "School."

"Oh, right." She smoothed the front of her skirt, needing to do something with her hands. "It's been going well. Nothing really to report on."

"Your friends?"

"Still my friends."

He appeared a bit disappointed.

She knew he was alluding to Charlotte, the one friend Ben didn't approve of. According to him, she knew too many things that a young lady should not know. But – and Lorraine would not admit this to Ben – that was one of the reasons why Lorraine kept the friendship going. She would eventually learn all those things Ben deemed "improper". Might as well learn about them now. If men knew all about all that, then women should, too.

"And those boys that used to bully you," Ben pressed the conversation on, "they don't give you any problems, right?"

She chuckled. "That was five years ago, and you still remember to ask me every time you're out here."

He shrugged. "Just want to make sure you're alright."

Heat fanned across her cheeks. "Yes, well… when are you going to admit that you interfered?"

"Interfered in what?" he queried innocently.

"You talked to those boys after the first time you were here, didn't you?"

"I admit to doing no such thing." She narrowed her stare at him. His poker face was good, Lorraine gave him that. "Maybe they finally grew up and realized how much they were acting like idiots. Every boy experiences that at some point in their adolescence."

"Mmmm," Lorraine mused. "You know I asked them directly, right? About you."

Ben was taken aback for a second. "You did?" Lorraine nodded. "What did they say?"

Lorraine was having a bit too much fun with teasing him. "Nothing. They wouldn't outright tell me you did anything."

Visibly relaxing, Ben said, "See? I'm innocent."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far. Right when I told them your name, the fear in their faces was quite obvious."

"You're going to need better evidence than facial expressions if you want this charge to hold up in court."

"And if they did name you as their intimidator?"

"I'd object on the grounds of hearsay."

They both just gazed at each other, their stoic faces breaking into a smile and a shared laugh. In truth, she didn't mind if Ben had taken matters into his own hands back then. Those boys had been torturing her for months. She was glad when they had moved on from her being their target. Lorraine just wished she would have witnessed Ben putting the fear of God into them.

Had one of them peed their trousers? She sure hoped so.

She went back to looking at the flowers, becoming flustered the longer she held Ben's gaze. In truth, there was an underlying nervousness she held within herself all evening, knowing she needed to bring Ben's attention to a certain topic.

She dreaded it, but it needed to be done. No more putting it off.

"So," she started to say, bending over to feel the softness of the flower petals. "I've been discussing some things with my parents recently."

"What sort of things?"

"Things to do with the wedding." She could feel his stare searing into her back, right between her shoulder blades. Lorraine went on, throat a bit tighter. "We were thinking…" she turned, mustering up the courage to look at him, "about postponing it till I turn 19."

Ben stared at her, opened his mouth, shut it. Then: "You're 16."

She wasn't sure what he meant by pointing out her 'almost' age. "Well, technically I'll be 16 tomorrow, but…"

The creases in Ben's forehead deepened, and he rubbed at them as he said, "But I – I thought… we already postponed it until next year when you'll be seventeen. We agreed on next year."

"I – I think the plans have changed–"

"No."

Lorraine was momentarily speechless. "No?"

Dropping his hands to his lap, he stared at her straight on. "I don't want to do that."

Blinking rapidly, Lorraine searched for what to say. "But my parents and I–"

Ben abruptly stood. "Did your parents insist on postponing, or did you?"

"What?" Lorraine squeaked out, finding it hard to breathe. She didn't like confrontation. Especially when it pertained to Ben.

"I think you heard my question," he said through clenched teeth, aggravated.

"I…they…"

He shook his head, knowing the answer from her hesitation. "Right. So it's you who made that decision."

Somehow, Lorraine grew a backbone, no longer wanting Ben's disappointment and anger so blatantly thrown in her face. "My parents support me in giving me more time," she stated firmly. "I was hoping you'd be a gentleman and do the same."

With that, she marched back to the house, needing to be anywhere but in his presence. She wasn't accustomed to Armitage's home, only ever having been in the drawing and dining room, plus the kitchen. She knew those areas of the house well from holding her WSPU meetings there twice a week.

She settled on holding herself up in the drawing area, pacing between the sofas, chewing at her thumb nail, not knowing what to do. She wanted to go home, except she'd come here with Ben. Her house was about 3 kilometers away; she could walk. Though, one glance out the window and she knew she would be trekking in the dark.

There was a creak by the kitchen door that drew her attention. Ben's stare was on the ornate Turkish rug that was in the middle of the room, his hands shoved in his pockets… his sleeves still rolled up and showing his forearms.

"I guess I'm not a gentleman, because I don't want to wait, " he softly said. "But I… I can't do this anymore."

Lorraine's heart skipped a beat. "Excuse me?"

"You don't want to marry me. You never have."

"I didn't say–"

He closed his eyes, sighing. "And I can't keep wasting my life waiting for you, Rey. All I've done is be patient, and honestly, I don't think I have it in me anymore. I don't want to wait," he emphasized.

"But what about what I want?"

Ben was silent for a few moments, studying her. "I knew this would happen." He spoke shakily, almost sadly. "I knew. God, you were only 11 when you agreed to this… arrangement. You were too young to recognize how big of a decision it was."

Lorraine frowned. "I understood perfectly."

"No, you didn't. And you probably still don't understand–"

"Don't treat me like I'm a child," Lorraine bit out, surprising even herself how angry she was becoming.

"But you are a child," Ben countered, voice rising. "You're selfish and spoiled and you know very little about how the world works."

"I'm perfectly aware–"

"And you're naive as to your responsibilities of becoming a woman, of your duty in becoming a wife and caretaker. It's like you're fighting against the inevitability of where your life has always been headed. But even you have to grow up someday."

"I have grown up!" she yelled.

"You've done nothing of the sort – using your parents as an excuse to push back the wedding instead of owning up to the decision being yours, relying on them as a scapegoat when it's convenient for you."

"That's not what I–"

"It's exactly what you were doing. You think you're an adult, but you're too hesitant to grow beyond the confines of your family." He spoke quickly, passionately, arms becoming more animated. "You're not meant to rely on them for the rest of your life, you're meant to rely on me. As your husband." Pausing, he coked his head to the side. "Unless… unless you view my fortune less than your parents', not wanting to live without your lavish lifestyle–"

"Don't throw my family's wealth in my face, when I know that your parents are in a rich class all on their own."

God, slapping him clear across the face was becoming more tempting by the second.

Ben ran his fingers through his hair, moving to stand behind the back of the sofa. He placed his hands on the wooden spine of the couch, knuckles whitening from his firm grip. "I haven't taken a penny from my parents," he said, voice more controlled. "All the money I have, I earned on my own through my job and making my own investments. The money in my trust I haven't touched, nor do I intend to. I'm making my own way in this world without them."

Lorraine cleared her throat. "I didn't know that."

"It's improper to talk about my finances with you."

It wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear, but she stifled her disappointment by not saying anything. When was he going to stop treating her like she was an adolescent, and instead, more like a woman? She hated when he talked down to her, and he had the proclivity of doing that quite often. It drove her mad.

And if they were to marry, she should be privy to the finances of her household. It was such an antiquated belief that only the men understood and managed the money. Like women's minds were too feeble to do basic arithmetic and create a budget. Or even settle a balance on an account.

Ben stared at her for the longest time, his eyes discerning. "Rey, do you want to marry me?"

She hesitated before saying, "I have to say, after calling me a spoiled and selfish little girl, I'm less inclined to give you my hand."

He hung his head and muttered, "I'm sorry I said that… I didn't mean–"

"To insinuate I'm incompetent?"

He sighed. "That's not what I was trying to say."

"What are you trying to say?" she asked with impatience.

"Just that… I don't want you to push back the wedding over the fear of not having your parents to lean on anymore. I'll be there for you. I'll be your family. There's no need to be afraid."

"I'm not afraid," she said, but Ben didn't seem convinced by her answer. In truth, neither was she. But after the way he'd insulted her, she wasn't about to admit that he was partially right. Maybe… maybe she did rely on her parents too much for comfort reasons. While she wanted independence as a young woman, obtaining autarky from her parents frightened her.

Ben shook his head, glancing away.

Some days, she felt like marrying Ben and starting a life with him was an easy choice. Other days, whenever he made her angry or frustrated, the last thing she wanted to do was tie the rest of her life to him.

Walking to the window, Ben stared out at the incoming night sky. "I think we should take a break," he said, his voice quiet with resignation and regret. "I'll see if I can get an earlier departure for tomorrow, instead of being here for another week."

"But…" you've been here for every birthday since I turned 12, she finished in her head.

He nodded, like he was persuading himself it was a good idea. "I think some time apart will be good. Give you time to think. I won't write to you, or try contacting you in any way. But I would like you response after a few months"

"Response?" was all she could say.

"If you wish to go through with the wedding." He faced her, his voice so low and forceful, indicating none of this was to be argued over. "The decision is up to you."

"Up to me…" Her voice broke on the last word, barely containing the moisture that pooled in her eyes, causing her to look away. She didn't understand why she was reacting like this. Was this not what she wanted? More time to think about her future?

"You can even send a simple yes or no," he continued. "It doesn't have to be long, or come with an explanation for your decision. But…" He paused long enough to entice her to look at him, wondering what he was about to say. "If yes, we get married next year. There is no more putting it off."

Wait, she wanted to say.

Everything just needed to wait.

Her hands went to her stomach, her breathing became labored. She started up with the pacing, needing the movement to calm her. It wasn't working. Glancing at Ben, at least he looked concerned as he watched her become increasingly overwhelmed.

Then, it struck her so swiftly: she was always going to marry Ben. Her life was always leading to that, whether she wanted it to or not. It was both a solace, and a tragedy. The concept of fate never sat well with Lorraine, who prided her independence.

But a wedding next year… she wasn't ready.

She planted herself next to one of the end tables, staring down at the floor. "Ben… it would only be another 3 years if we waited."

"Three years might not be a long time for you, but it is for me. Rey…" His voice sounded closer. She looked up to meet his eyes. He was gradually closing the space between them.

Lorraine tried with all her might not to let her voice shake. "I've planned my whole life around this marriage, too, you know. If I back out now… what am I going to do?"

Ben's face seemed to tighten, and his lower lip began to quiver. "You'd figure out something," he said, voice strained, like it pained him to say such things. "You'd find someone else." He took another step toward her. Lorraine didn't move. "But you should know… I know I wasn't exactly privy to the idea of our union when we first met. In truth, it was difficult to fathom marrying you, especially when meeting you so young. But with writing to each other, and coming to see you as often as I could, I find myself gravitating towards you." He inched closer, his gaze upon her never wavering. "I know it's improper to say such things… but you must know, you're constantly in my mind, in my dreams, in the very depths of my heart. I've fought it for so long because of your age, and I know I shouldn't think certain things about you, but I find myself not being able to stop. The last year alone has been torture."

He was right in front of her now, within reach of her touch. Leaning a bit closer to her, Ben's glistening eyes searched hers. Lorraine didn't know what he was looking for, and she wasn't sure what she was revealing to him.

With her heart hammering against her ribs and the mood having quickly shifted to something more intimate, Lorraine asked breathlessly, "What things do you think about?"

She wanted him closer, but she couldn't admit to such a thing out loud. She couldn't admit that she dreamed of him, too.

As if hearing her wish, Ben obliged, looking entranced as if she had somehow cast a spell on him.

Lorraine cocked her head back to look at him, their bodies only having a hair of space separating them. Slowly, his hand reached up, no hesitation on his part when he slid his fingers into her loose tresses. "I dream about running my hands through your hair, needing to know what it feels like." Then his hand went to cup her cheek, his thumb caressing softly across her flesh. "Of touching your skin, of holding your neck"– both hands wrapped gently around her neck, fingers sliding into the nape of her hair– "as I tilt your head up and guide your lips to mine." Lorraine's eyes fluttered from the sensation of his touch. "Would you moan against me? Would you fall into my arms, allow me to make you feel good with my hands… with my tongue?" His lips were centimeters from her mouth, his body radiating heat. At some point, he had eaten the rest of the distance between them, Lorraine not being able to recall exactly when she'd been drawn into him.

They were both breathing heavier, but unlike Lorraine, Ben was able to speak. "I'd hold you, caress you, worship you – for my thoughts, my very being, have only been consumed by you every waking second over these past two years. Over the possibilities of what the future could look like for us." He dipped lower, running his mouth ever so lightly up her neck, across her cheek, like he was leaving a trail of desire and need across her flesh. Lorraine closed her eyes, savoring the new sensations, and moaned. Ben's breathing hitched, his lips resting against her forehead. Lorraine was barely able to hold herself up, leaning on him for support, her arms wrapping around to his back. "It's a torment to be shackled to you, but I'd rather endure the agony than be without you for the rest of my life."

His lips moved to her ear. Her knees buckled the instant Ben took her lobe in between his lips, but he was quick to catch her, holding her up against him. "I want to touch you." The heat of his breath fanned across her hair. "I want to feel what's mine. What's always been mine. You know, you must know, you've always belonged to me."

Her body was moving against his, an ache in her core that was seeking Ben out, wanting him to ease it. "Yes," Lorraine groaned.

"And I've always been yours," he added.

There was a second of self awareness where Lorraine thought that it was interesting how he had accused her of being a child, but talked to her as if she were a woman – which, in Lorraine's eyes, she was a grown woman. She felt like an adult.

Ben must have also had a second of clarity, for he drew back, about to let her go. "I know I shouldn't be–"

She grasped onto his arms, looking him straight in the eye. "Don't stop."

Conflict played all across his face, a battle between what he should and shouldn't do. "I should stop."

She took a deep breath, her pulse pounding in her ears.

"Rey," he said her name as a weak warning. "Leave." But he made no attempt to extricate himself from her. In fact, with each passing second, his arms held her tighter. "Go find a room and lock the door."

The movement was only slight, but she rubbed her body against his as she straightened, causing him to close his eyes and bite his bottom lip. "No," Lorraine said firmly.

She moved against him again, this time feeling something hard at her core… knowing what it was.

Before she could prepare, his lips were devouring hers, hard and fast, like she was being eaten alive and this was Ben's last meal. His tongue dove into her mouth, penetrating her, beckoning for reciprocation. Lorraine mirrored his efforts, their lips finding a hurried rhythm that pleased them both. The pulsing in her core quickened, a wetness forming in between her legs that spurned her on.

One of Ben's hands dipped down to the back of her knee, wrapping her leg around his waist, her skirt opening enough for Ben to press himself against her undergarments.

Beneath his trousers, his arousal was apparent as he pressed firmly against Lorraine's core. Her groan was lewd against his mouth, pleading for more. One hand went roughly into her hair, while the other on her leg moved to grip hard onto her rear, pulling her hips solidly into his.

Lorraine's body was moving in sync with his now, rubbing her center against his hardness in such a delicious way, she couldn't stop moaning. That familiar sensation was building inside her, a gradual heat that curled and grew deep within her belly, taking her hostage and begging her to follow it. Both of them moved more vigorously against each other, Ben's opened lips resting against Lorraines, their gasps mixing among their breath.

It all came to a head, the ecstasy shooting through her body in waves. She cried out for Ben just as he cried out for her, her name a guttural sound deep in his throat. His voice… his deep voice affected her in ways she never knew it could.

So that was what it felt like to shatter against a man, she thought.

Ben continued to rub against her, slowing as the final shudders were leaving her body. Sitting on the floor, he wrapped Lorraine's other leg around his waist and held her to him, situating her perfectly onto his lap. His face was nuzzled into her hair, his breathing still heavy – as was hers – but starting to slow.

Then, he started to cry.

Lorraine hadn't been sure at first that he was, but as his breath turned uneven, his chest beginning to heave, she knew what was occuring. She could almost sense his distress.

"I'm sorry," he said into her hair, voice constricted. "I'm so sorry for being weak. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have touched you." But his body betrayed his words as he held onto her tighter.

"I'm not sorry," Lorraine muttered. And in truth, she wasn't. Her body had never felt anything that wonderful, and now she wanted more. The encounter had also allowed her to have one clear answer when it came to Ben: her body wanted to be with him. Undoubtedly.

Tucking his soft hair behind his ear, she said, "I want you, Ben." Then, she did as he had done: she sucked on his lobe. He went stock still. With the tip of her tongue, she traced the outer shell of his ear, feeling confident with herself. So alive. "I know what a man and woman do with one another. What we can do with each other."

It was her turn to graze her lips on his neck, his cheek, to make contact with his lips. They worked each other's mouths lazily, Ben's hands traveling up and down her back, his emotional state seeming to switch back to focusing on Lorraine. On what she wanted.

"Be with me," she demanded more than asked.

"Rey," he breathed out, opening his eyes, his arousal so very present in his stare. "We shouldn't." But his protest was weak, and Lorraine was resolved to get what she wanted.

"You'd deny me?"

Ben rolled his jaw, his lips swollen and tempting.

Sitting up, he carefully placed her on the ground, his body hovering above her. The way his weight pressed into her set off a swarm of butterflies in her stomach. Capturing his mouth with hers, it was like Lorraine couldn't get enough of him. It wasn't enough for him just to touch her, she needed to be consumed by him, needed to meld into him and be one.

He kissed down her neck, trying to pull down the high collar of her top so he could get at more of her skin. With deft fingers, Ben began unbuttoning her blouse, his lips going onto her chest, his ministrations going across her collar bone and sucking.

Lorraine let out a moan, arching up into him. The movement seemed to spur Ben on, his hands working quicker to get her in a state of undress. Sitting up briefly, she helped him with taking off the rest of her blouse and shimmying out of her skirt, leaving the petticoat as the next obstacle.

"Why are there so many layers," Ben mused, his breathing uneven the more of her skin was shown.

"To make you work for it," she meant as a quip. But by the look in Ben's eyes, he really did take it as a challenge.

Grabbing beneath her arms, he picked her up in one deft motion, placing her on her feet and pressing her back into him. Arms wrapped firmly around her middle, he held her there, his mouth proceeding up and down her jugular. Lorraine bowed her head to the side to allow him better access.

Her skin was getting hot, Ben's slowed intentions driving her mad.

"Tell me to stop," Ben murmured against her flesh. "I can't stop unless you tell me to."

The response came from deep within her throat. "More."

Ben tightened his hold on her. His voice became so chasmic, so intense, she could feel the sound intensely within her belly. "Lorraine."

She tugged on the sleeves of her petticoat, Ben tempering his hold on her so she could push it down, the fabric crumbling at her feet. She toe-heeled her boots off, and then lifted her white cotton corset cover, tossing it on the nearby couch.

"My corset," she whispered, gathering her hair over her shoulder so he had access to the lacing.

His hands traveled from her ribs to her waist and down her legs, skipping the laces. She was about to ask what he was doing when he started unbuttoning her cotton drawers from the chemise that was secured beneath the corset.

Lorraine shivered, though she was on fire.

With the drawers falling away, she was now completely bare to him on her bottom half. Ben's hands held onto her pelvis as he placed kisses on the curvature of her rear. He finally spun her around to face him, his dark eyes looking up from where he kneeled before her.

"Tell me to stop," he said, barely a whisper.

Lorraine shook her head, unable to speak.

Ben pressed his face into her corset, a low whimper escaping his lips.

"Ben." His hands gripped her waist, his fingers tightening his hold on her. "I need…" The pulsing between her legs was really starting to hurt, and she needed relief.

"What do you need?"

"All of you," was all she could get out.

There was a second of silence, of stillness. Lorraine was unsure what Ben would do.

He gazed up at her. She brushed his hair out of his eyes, her fingers gliding over his scalp. This was it. If they moved forward, there was no turning back. There was no stopping. In the silence, in their eyes, an agreement was being made, an understanding of their wants known.

"You'll always have all of me," Ben fervently swore to her. Lorraine let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

Ben reached for a blanket that was thrown across the sofa, spreading it out behind Lorraine, covering the rug.

He laid her upon it and slowly, excruciatingly, peeled off her stockings. His nose and mouth grazed over her inner thighs as he began to lay flat on his stomach, his breath tingling her skin. Then his lips were on her hip bone, getting closer and closer to–

Lorraine bucked off the floor when he kissed her center. "What are you…" but she couldn't finish.

She watched as his fingers touched her down there, spreading her lips open so he could see her. His eyes were wild, mouth hanging open, breathing as if he'd just sprinted to get to this very spot. She wasn't sure if what he saw pleased him, for he just stared–

"Ben!" she cried out, her body jerking as she felt his tongue run the length of her sex. Hands grasping her thighs and securing them atop his shoulders, he tugged her closer, burying his mouth and lapping at her core.

Everything felt so good and warm, Lorraine almost couldn't handle it. Ben's tongue kept up with the licking of her folds, switching between that and sucking on that particular spot only Lorraine had ever touched. Every ounce of energy and desire pooled between her thighs, and she felt that familiar sensation rising inside her.

It was when he started swirling his tongue that Lorraine was finding it difficult to breathe. She heard rustling of fabric, and opened her eyes to see what it was. Mouth still on her, Ben had somehow taken his trousers off, situating the lower half of his body on its side. Lorraine couldn't stop staring as he held himself in his hand, pumping.

He was large, wide… delectable.

Ben's growl vibrated through her, catching her attention. He was watching her, knew that she'd seen him. She closed her eyes, like she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't have. He grunted and tapped on her thigh with the hand that still held her leg, getting their eyes to meet again. He flicked his stare to the side, the side where he was working himself.

Ben wanted her to watch.

So Lorraine did, her eyes bouncing between watching him at her core and seeing his lower half.

Lost within the throws of rapture, Lorraine was only partially aware of something odd happening. It was a feeling she'd never felt before, nuzzled within her chest like it were a chord, a chord that could be pulled. And indeed, there was something tugging on it… someone drawing her heart closer to them. Connecting.

She grabbed onto Ben's hair, her hips moving up and down.

Impressions Lorraine didn't understand flooded into her, like someone else's desire was being mixed with her own. Closing her eyes for the briefest of moments, she saw herself… through the eyes of Ben.

Lorraine gasped, opening her lids, staring right at him. "What's… what's happening…"

But Ben just quickened his tongue's swirling pace, groaning against her, the amount of both their pleasure blurring into one another. The throbbing pounded inside of her, making her more incredibly wet.

Lorraine finally fell apart, knowing that Ben was joining her at the exact same moment. Waves of euphoria rolled across them both, heating their insides and making Lorraine call out for him. They came down from the high, but only slightly, still suspended in their own world of want and need.

Ben crawled up Lorraine's body, placing his knees beside her head. His length was still in his hand, a drop of the remnants of his seed on his tip. Without prompting, she knew what he wanted. She wanted it, too. Raising her head, she took him in her mouth, sucking and tasting.

This single act, Lorraine knew, was pure debauchery. Filth. Whorish behavior, she heard it be called. No lady would ever put such a thing between her lips. But Lorraine's fantasies and daydreams had never been ladylike. It was a secret she swore never to tell anyone, not even Ben. But now, with them both participating in the same act, all caution had been thrown to the wind.

"You're so beautiful," Ben keened, watching her. "Do you like my cock in your mouth?" He suddenly drew back, Lorraine reaching with her lips to keep him there. But he grabbed her jaw with one hand to stop her. "Say it. I want to hear those filthy words in your little English voice."

"I like your cock in my mouth," she repeated wickedly. Obediently. He could pry her whichever way he wanted, and Lorraine would joyfully let him. She opened her jaw wide, panting.

His eyes flared with fire. "You want to keep sucking me off?"

"Please. Yes," she begged, too far gone to feel shame.

Ben widened his legs, balancing himself on his knees as he placed his erection closer to her face. Threading his fingers through her hair, cradling the back of her scalp, he lifted her head up–

They moaned in unison as he glided into her mouth, each thrust inching deeper and deeper. Ben's length was hard and soft and hot against her tongue, and just the idea of the sinful act made everything feel more erotic.

He pushed in and withdrew another thrust. Then another. And another. She held onto him by digging her fingers into his rear, Ben's hands controlling the bobbing of her head with a carefulness that Lorraine was getting impatient with.

She jerked him closer, grunting demandingly.

He seemed to know just what she wanted. "You want all of my cock?" he asked her. "Can you take it?"

She couldn't nod, so she settled on groaning her yes, her excitement palpable.

Finally, he buried himself completely, touching the back of her throat, cutting off her breathing for only a second. It was thrilling. Dangerous. He pulled back slightly, letting her take a breath through her nose.

Ben kept his focus on her. "Still want it?" She answered by lifting her head and taking him back in. "Goddamn," he heaved out, chest expanding as he gave in to his most carnal desire.

She didn't care about the spit running down her chin. Didn't worry about how much of a mess she must look like. Lorraine devoted all her concentration to making Ben feel good, letting her eyes fall closed. She could hardly form a coherent thought, all of her focus just on living in the moment. She timed her breathing with every impale and rode out every gag, tears starting to run down into her hair, the pulsing between her legs making her rub her thighs together.

"That's a good girl," Ben praised, his baritone voice intoxicating her, reverberating within her bones. "Can you swallow–" grunt "–what I give you?" Lorraine just kept moaning, her core winding tighter and tighter. "I… I can feel you… You're so close." And somehow, someway, she could feel him getting closer to that pinnacle as well. Could sense it.

Chest expanding with each deep inhale, he tried to speak. "You love having me… in your mouth. You want… more–."

That tension between them obliterated into sparks. Lorraine let out a mixture of grunting and moaning against Ben's length, her legs shooting out straight, toes curled as she convulsed. Ben's thrusting was uncoordinated as he came in her mouth, his exhales coming out hard enough to rumble his chest. She swallowed down his spend, big gulps of delicious fire filling her belly.

His movements slowed. Lorraine switched over to long, dragging sucks from his tip. "That's right," Ben said in a daze. "Get every drop. Every drop needs to be inside of you."

They stayed like that for a little while, Ben watching her take long draws of his cum. Some of his spunk had made it out of the corners of her lips. With shaky fingers, Ben gathered it and pushed it back into her mouth as he pulled himself out of her. She licked his fingers, then with her tongue, lapped at the outside of his length, cleaning him off.

"Fuck," he said softly. "You're killing me, Rey."

His hand still aiding her head upright, he rested the back of her head onto the floor. Licking her lips, she searched for more of his taste – a potent blend of sweet and earthy with a tangy aftertaste, akeen to an orange. Her friend Charlotte had been wrong about a man's flavor, having described it as inedible and gross. Ben's was perfect, satiating, just what she needed.

His jaw hinged open in wonder. "God, you want more?"

She responded through a sore throat. "I'll need more till the day I die, Ben, it's so good." An addiction had formed inside Lorraine, and she needed more of it. She would positively wither away without it.

But there was a need between her thighs that needed to be attended to first.

Ben captured her lips with his as he lay his body over hers. "You taste divine, too, Rey. Like peaches and Spring." Lorraine opened her legs, Ben pressing his hips into her. Muscles tense, Lorraine felt like she could shatter. She couldn't wait any longer.

The wet trails from each of her eyes and into her hairline grew cold from the air. With her face held between his enormous hands, he kissed the line of moisture, then rubbed it away with his thumbs.

Lorraine didn't need this short respite of tenderness, but she was relieved that Ben gave it to her just the same.

Pressing his forehead to hers, she could see that he was starting to falter, to think about what they were doing. Lorraine wanted none of that.

Her hand traveled down between their legs and grasped him hard in her palm. For his size being so large, the skin of his cock was surprisingly soft, prompting her to give it a few pumps.

Ben replaced her hand, taking over. He looked down at her as she further wrapped her legs around him. Arching her body into his, she felt him glide against her slick opening.

Shivers spread over her skin, pleasure shooting out of her pores. The anticipation would kill her, she just knew it.

Ben groaned with a mixture of need and agony. Lorraine felt his emotions start to seep into her again. She anticipated that chord forming between them, the odd sensation of the two of them blurring together. It heightened everything: every touch, every sound they made, every inch of her skin.

Looking at her, Ben slipped inside, stopping at that resistance point halfway into her. "Ahhh…" Lorraine gasped loudly, a slight shot of pain having her go rigid and still.

Ben didn't move, his eyes staying on her. He was breathless and flushed as he gazed at her with yearning and… something else. Something else more tender and intimate.

"Breathe," Ben told her. She tried, eventually being able to properly inhale and exhale, all the while looking into Ben's eyes, the same amber irises that haunted her sleep.

"Keep going," she muttered.

"This part will hurt."

"I know. Just… I want to get it over with."

He nodded. With one solid thrust, he entered her to the hilt. Lorraine was unable to maintain eye contact with him as she scrunched her lids closed and cried out from the striking pain.

Ben said sweet words to her, kissing the sides of her eyes, her cheeks, her lips, all the while remaining still.

"Move a little," she whispered.

He did as she asked, movements shallow and small. Lorraine searched within herself, finding that place of shared feelings between them, focusing on what she believed to be Ben's pleasure.

The agony gradually eased away as Ben's delectation slowly overtook her, helping to bring her back in the moment.

"Do you feel that?" Lorraine asked.

"Yes," he breathed out. "Does it scare you?"

"No, but.. I don't think it's normal."

Cheek to cheek, he said into her ear, "It's not, but I find myself not caring." Moving slowly out of her, he was careful about sliding back in. The pain was completely gone. There was just a delicious fullness that set the base of her spine on fire. "Open yourself up to it, Rey. I got you."

She hesitated, but she, too, was curious as to what was happening. So she zeroed in on the connection, that tether binding her to Ben, and let her guard down completely.

It was like a bomb went off inside her, that metaphorical chord shooting through her veins, traveling over every surface and lighting it up to the level of an inferno. They both yelled out, and before she could even form a thought, she orgasmed, feeling Ben's release right along with hers.

They were both lost to the consuming cravings that pierced through their bodies and into their souls, pushing them to go further.

Ben pumped into her, Lorraine moving with him, feeling the quiver of what his body was doing to hers: filling her up, hitting her deep, needing every inch of him inside her. They struck another crescendo within a minute, Lorraine crying out with such force, her throat almost clamped shut.

Scooping his arms beneath her, Ben lifted her up, managing to stay inside her. On his knees, hands going to her rear, she held onto his shoulders as he grinded her down onto his cock.

"More," Lorraine throatily demanded. Ben picked up the pace, grunting with every thrust. But still, it wasn't enough. "I need more of you." What exactly she needed more from him that he wasn't already giving, she didn't know.

Warmth flooded into her, tendrils of Ben flowing through her and touching every morsel of who she was, body and soul. They came at the same time again, Lorraine screaming, though she sounded so far away.

Ben put her on the floor, and she vaguely heard him telling her to get on all fours. She did, already whining at the loss of him, begging for him to be inside her again.

"Rey," Ben panted as he slid back into her, establishing a punishing pace. "I can't… control…" He wrapped an arm around her hips, keeping her steady when he noticed her arms weakening. The warmth of Ben's fluids and her own dripped down her inner thighs, every thrust causing more to seep out of her, lewd noises of their union filling the room.

Ben was relentless. "Like… we were made… for eachother," he panted.

They had two more climaxes in that position, no sign of either of them slowing.

That sharp, glorious feeling was wounding up tighter and tighter, each impending snap ratcheting up the pleasure more than the last, that invisible tether that connected her to Ben taking more and more of him into her being.

Ben's feral grunts mixed with the sounds that left her throat, both sounding anything but human. Like a crack of a whip, another countless orgasm radiated throughout her body, quick and blinding. Lorraine's arms buckled. Even though he was also in the throes of expositing his pleasure, Ben caught her, easing her flat onto the blanket.

The air vibrated, and Lorraine could barely move, so lost within the confines of the sexual bubble that surrounded them. She was floating away from how wonderful it all was, she was sure of it. It was so difficult to tell where she began and where Ben ended, that she started to question if it all were a fevered dream. Had reality crumbled? How was it possible to feel this… good.

"Keep going," she told him breathlessly, hoping he didn't alter his pace. She wanted him inside of her forever, filling her, completing her. Finding some strength, she arched her rear more into him, helping to stabilize her from sliding across the floor.

Ben rode her while she lay flat on her stomach, her breath hitching from how much deeper he could go at that angle. She cracked open her eyes, seeing his fingers fanned out next to her face. Bringing her palms up, she placed both on the top of his hands, her fingers dipping between his. He curled his hands into fists, holding onto her touch.

Falling over the edge, Ben roared out her name, while all Lorraine had left in her were whimpers of her own bliss.

He collapsed on her, though not all the way. It was a marvel that Ben was still aware enough to put his weight on his forearms, aware enough not to hurt her.

They lay there for the first time since it all started, trying to catch their breaths. Spasms still buffered along her inner walls, her body quivering from the aftershocks. With the smallest of motions, Ben rocked against her, only moving centimeters in and out of her velvet heat. Lorraine cocked her head up, seeking him, her soul calling out. Lips meeting, tongues dancing against each other, the kiss was more sensual and less hurried.

She felt Ben's hardness twitch inside of her, and just like that, Lorraine was ready to go again.

Suddenly, Ben was off of her, leaving her empty not just physically, but taking what connection they had and shutting it off from her.

Lorraine's eyes bulged, hand going to her heart, taking in a long gasp of air. It was violent and painful how he had ripped himself away, and she struggled to breathe.

With shaky arms, she turned herself over.

Still naked from the waist down, Ben was on his hands and knees by the fireplace, clutching at his chest, trying to also take air into his lungs. Lorraine reached a hand out to him, not understanding why he would do this to them – cause this pain upon them both so sharply.

Her voice was raspy as she said his name. He shook his head, not looking at her. "Come back," she pleaded. Again, he shook his head, his body starting to visibly shake. A sob heaved out of his mouth. Then another. And another.

"What…" his breath hitched, "have I done." He lowered his head into his hands, curling into a ball while on his knees and wept. The sobs were loud and agonizing, piercing Lorraine right through the heart.

It was shocking how weak her body was as she crawled over to him, the inside of her thighs sticky with the evidence of what had transpired. Beside him, she placed her arms across his back, trying to comfort him. He didn't seem to notice.

"I should've been stronger," he said, voice muffled behind his hands. "I shouldn't have…"

"I wanted it, too, Ben," Lorraine admitted, not ashamed.

"It was my responsibility to – to keep your virtue intact."

"Well, it's my virtue to give to whoever I wish."

Ben didn't say anything to that. At least the sobs were transitioning into hiccups, his shaking starting to alleviate.

Lorraine pressed her hand against his cheek, nudging him to look at her. He did, eyes red and swollen, tears falling every time he blinked. "I've never felt so good in my entire life," she spoke beseechingly. She wiped away the moisture on his cheeks with the back of her knuckles. "There's nothing in the world better than what we just did. I'm glad it happened."

Ben's throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed. "Don't say that."

"It's the truth. I won't deny it." There was that beginning of electricity between them as they gazed at each other, her thumb skimming over his lower lip. His eyes dipped to her mouth, and he listed closer to her, her presence drawing him in. Closing her eyes, Lorraine anticipated the kiss, waiting to feel him move against her–

Groaning loudly, painfully, Ben stood up. Disappointment flooded into her as she watched him pick up his trousers, putting them back on. It didn't escape her notice that he was still fully erect.

"This was a mistake," he told her, tucking his manhood into his undergarment. "I regret everything that happened."

Moisture stung her eyes, her heart aching at what he just proclaimed. "I don't regret it," she said, voice small.

Pants in place, he countered, "You should."

Now, she was starting to get angry. Trying to stand, Lorraine bit out, "You don't get to tell me how I feel about–" The world twisted on its axis as she got to her feet, her vision blurring. She teetered to the side, too dizzy to stay upright.

Ben grabbed her before she hit the floor, picking her up into his arms. He said something, but she couldn't hear anything but the ringing in her ears.

Lorraine focused on getting back to herself. Once she was more aware, she noticed she'd been placed on the sofa and wrapped in a different blanket than the one on the floor.

She glanced to the ground. The throw-over was gone, her clothes neatly folded and placed at her feet.

Right. She was still bare on her lower half. Amazingly, her corset had somehow stayed in place during their strenuous activities, her breasts remaining covered.

The door to the kitchen opened. Ben was carrying a plate and a glass of water, looking a bit better, but still disheveled and eyes puffy.

He kneeled down next to her, handing her the glass of water. Lorraine didn't realize just how parched she was until she found herself unable to stop gulping the entire thing down. Ben took the empty glass, putting it on the floor.

"Hungry?" he asked.

Lorraine nodded. She used her arms to push herself upright to eat, but could only do it halfway. Putting his hands under her arms, Ben pushed her up the rest of the way. He put the plate in her lap as he went to get more water.

Lorraine tore into the bread first, mouth watering, her body beginning to shiver at the awareness that it was about to get some much needed sustenance. She finished off the bread by the time Ben came back, taking up his previous spot.

He saw the way she was shaking. "Are you cold?" Before she could answer, he tucked the blanket more around her. Peculiarly, he left his hand atop the covering where her abdomen was, his thumb moving side to side.

A few bites into the cold cuts, and her stomach was starting to ache from eating too quickly. She handed the plate to Ben, took in a bit more water, then settled her eyes on his hand. It enveloped her midsection. She liked having it there.

He handed her a small towel. It was damp. "To clean yourself," he clarified.

She took the blanket off and wiped her lower body, not caring if Ben saw. And indeed, Ben watched her clean herself, rounding his jaw.

Once she was done, Ben grabbed her clothes, and without even asking, helped her to dress. Concentration was hard on his face, and Lorraine could tell he was trying with all his might not to touch her skin. He succeeded, getting her fully back into her clothes without a single caress or a second of contact.

They sat next to each other on the sofa, silent.

The wind had picked up at some point outside, battering at the house, wood creaking from the onslaught. Ben's horse neighed, probably not liking being kept out in the elements.

"Rey." She looked to Ben, but his gaze was straight ahead at the window. "If you're pregnant–"

"I'm not."

"But if you were–"

"My courses are due in a couple of days." Insinuating that there was no way to be with child.

"Oh," he said. "Thats…" he didn't finish whatever he was going to say.

Another round of silence.

Lorraine reached for his hand that was between them on the sofa. He didn't pull away from her. Instead, he held tightly onto her grasp.

Ben sighed, rubbing at his face. "Do you love me?"

Everything about Lorraine froze. "What?"

"Do you love me?"

Lorraine's mouth hung open, not prepared for such a question. But after all the years writing to him, having him dote on her whenever he visited, and the sex and closeness she just experienced with him, she answered: "I think so."

He frowned. "You… think so?"

"I mean… those feelings between us while we were, well… with each other, those sensations we experienced… Ben, I could feel you. Your emotions, your wants and needs and it was so… so magical. What else could any of that mean, but love."

The way Ben's face crumbled, he was obviously wanting a different answer. "Sex doesn't create feelings, Rey. They have to be there before."

"I disagree."

"You're too young to understand. My god, you're too young to have done what we'd just done."

"Ben," she said, but he was on his feet, slipping out of her hold. Lorraine watched as he put his palms on his hips, looking away from her. He was still a mess – his hair sticking out at places, dress shirt wrinkled, and his slacks showing a drying wet patch on his groin.

She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, the quiet taking up residence between them. Ben glanced at her as she stood. Lorraine had no idea what was going through his mind, his face stoic and unreadable.

"This was a mistake," he stated, both hands swiping his hair back. "No matter how you feel, no matter how much you wanted it or enjoyed it, it never should've happened and it's entirely my fault." He went about finding his coat, which was put on a chair near the fireplace. "If you feel like you need to tell your parents what I've done–"

"I wouldn't tell a soul."

Ben nodded, slipping his tweed jacket on. Lorraine was unable to ignore the way the muscles on his arms flexed beneath his shirt as he did so. When she met his stare, it was clear he knew exactly what she'd been doing.

The atmosphere grew hot, but instead of diving head first into it, Ben looked away from her.

"Use the washroom before we go and then get your coat," he told her. "I'm taking you home."

()()()()()

The ride back through the dark was a tense one, but it wasn't because of the wind. Ben had not said a word since leaving, having put up metaphorical walls between him and Lorraine. She searched for the chord that connected them, and could feel its faint hum within her, but as she tugged on it, there was no answer back.

She wasn't sure if Ben was ignoring her, or he really felt nothing.

When they made it to the house, it was mostly dark. Her parents were probably still at the charity event.

He pulled on the reins, the full saddlebags bobbing against the side of the horse as they slowed and came to a stop. Ben had packed away the evidence of what had transpired between them, stuffing both blankets and the rag in the travel carriers.

Lorraine wondered if Armitage would notice his throws were gone.

Ben dismounted first. As he helped Lorraine alight, her body slid down the front of his, their eyes on each other. Would this sexual tension ever alleviate? Or had they blown that cap clear off, making it impossible to put such an intense attraction back in the bottle?

Ben set her gently on the ground, glancing at her home. His arms remained around her, their body's still touching. Even through the layers of clothes, Lorraine could feel his heat emanating from him in waves.

The strong winds had died down to a light breeze, allowing them to hear BB's meow from where he lounged by the side gate of the house.

"I'm going to leave tomorrow," Ben said, the air swirling around them.

Lorraine blinked in surprise. "You don't have to leave early anymore."

"I still think it would be best if we take time apart from one another. As soon as possible."

She stepped away from him, outraged. "Why are you doing this?"

"I'm doing this for you. You should take the next few months to really think about what you want, Rey. I've already taken so much from you; I won't take your agency as well."

Lorraine snapped, unable to stop herself from shoving Ben as hard as she could. It infuriated her more when he didn't move. "Don't use me as an excuse when you know damn well I'm fine with what happened. It didn't–"

He got right in her face, surprising her. "I'm not fine, Lorraine. Do you understand? I'm not okay," he said harshly, eyes searching hers. "I barely even comprehend what happened between us, because that… that was not just sex. That was… I don't know what that was."

"You're the one who told me to – to open up and let the connection in," she accused.

"I didn't know it would lead to all that!" Ben shouted. They both glanced at the house, waiting to see if his yelling stirred any of the staff inside. The lights remained off.

Lorraine stated the only thing that made sense to her. "You're scared."

Ben chuckled, a mirthless sound. "You're damn right I'm scared." He inhaled deeply, his fingers pushing his hair back as the breeze kept propelling it into his eyes. "I'm scared over how much I want it again, how I want to lock you in a room and bury myself in you and fuck you till I die of thirst." His steps toward her were slow and methodical, and Lorraine dared not move. Didn't want to. They were magnets, positive and negative, different from one another, but both bound to be drawn into the other's domain. "I want to own you," he continued, his hands gently resting on her neck, "to tie you down and shove my cock so far in your mouth, you're gasping for air." His thumbs caress over her pulse, an intimate gesture that shot down into her belly. Lorraine's eyes closed. "Everything you are, I want to lay claim to it. I want your day to start and end with me. And if we marry–" He paused. She could feel his breath on her lips. "If we marry, my depravity will no longer be tethered by the small restraint I have left. Even now, I'm struggling not to hike up your skirt and taste you. I'm trying to remind myself that what happened shouldn't have happened, and not to repeat it again. For your sake."

Lorraine's eyes flew open. "My sake?"

"You're so young. I shouldn't have put you through that."

Frowning, she backed out of his hold. He reached out to her, but she shook her head. "I don't understand you."

He glanced away in shame. "I know the things I just said are lecherous and–"

"I'm not talking about that," she interrupted, surprising him. "I want those things, too, Ben. Everything you say you want to do to me, I want you to do. If those things are labeled indecent, well… then, we are both licentious individuals, but I don't care. I want all of it."

He blinked. "Then what don't you understand about me?"

"You keep bringing up that I'm young, that I'm just a child. But you won't put the wedding off, which would allow me to become the one thing you want me to be: a woman." Her voice became more passionate, more confident. "You can't stand there and call me a child, when not even an hour ago you were fucking me like I'm a grown adult. You can't view me as both."

He sighed, shoulders sagging, looking defeated. "You're right. I can't. But Rey, I've known you since you were eleven. Eleven. I look at you and sometimes I see that little girl and I don't know how to reconcile your age and my attraction towards you."

She fought against having pity for him, feeling like he didn't deserve it at the moment. "What exactly do you think will happen once we're married? Are you still going to see me as 11? Or would becoming your lawfully wedded wife somehow magically make it so I'm a woman in your eyes." Ben just shook his head, unable to look at her. "That's it, isn't it. You want to rush the wedding so by society standards, I'd be an adult. My age actually doesn't matter, it's becoming your property that you want."

His gaze snapped back to her. "Property?"

"You could do whatever you want with me. Make me be whatever you want."

"What are you even talking about?" he asked, flabbergasted. "Where are you getting these–." Ben paused, cocking his head, realizing something. "You're not still listening to those women's meetings, are you?"

Lorraine crossed her arms. "What if I am?"

"You told me you stopped with that nonsense."

"Well…" Lorraine held her tongue for a second, wondering how much she wanted Ben to know. But she was so tired of hiding. "You know what? I lied. I lied to you, because, unlike you, I actually care about women having rights and being equal with men."

Ben stared at her, jaw slack. Lorraine wasn't used to being the cause of Ben's speechlessness. Heart hammering in her chest, Lorraine stood her ground, ready for whatever he was going to say.

"What that organization preaches is radical, Rey. All they've been teaching is that women should hate men and blame us for all their problems. For all the world's problems."

"That's not true."

"I've read their pamphlets and looked over their books. It's entirely true."

"I've read their literature, too, and nowhere does it say anything about hating men." She couldn't argue against the part about blaming them for womens' predicaments. Who made the laws in this country? Males. Specifically, upper class gentlemen.

Ben pointed a strict finger at her. "You're not to associate with them anymore."

"You can't tell me what to do."

"I won't have my future wife being brainwashed by a cult."

"They're not a fucking cult," she fiercely defended.

His posture grew tense. "Stop using that kind of language."

"Oh, the word fuck? I shouldn't be saying fuck in you presence? Only you get to say it?"

"You shouldn't be saying it at all. It's unbecoming for a lady to use vulgarities."

Her brows popped up in astonishment. "Was it unbecoming when you wanted me to say how I liked your cock in my mouth?"

Ben was momentarily flustered. "I…"

Lorraine decided to keep going. "Fuck." The skin right below Ben's right eye twitched. "Cunt." Truth be told, Lorraine never used such language. But she couldn't stop once she saw what a reaction it was getting out of Ben.

Through clenched teeth, he said, "Stop saying those–"

"Shit. Cock. Bollocks. Shag. Dick–"

"For God's sake, just do as you're told and stop!" he bellowed, a vein in his forehead protruding. Lorraine yelped, hand going over her chest, heart feeling as though it had stopped.

Ben's eyes widened and he took a step toward her. Lorraine took a step back. He balled his fists. "This isn't you, Rey. You've never acted like this before."

He might have scared her for a moment, but Lorraine hadn't lost her spine. "Actually, this is me," she spoke adamantly. "And I guess I am partly to blame for you being surprised by my insubordination and my activism, because I've hid this part of myself from you for a long time. I thought you'd look down on me and judge me, or do what you're trying to do right now and control me. But I have thoughts and opinions and ideas, and I will not be silenced by anyone just because I am a woman. I'm sick of it!" She yelled, stomping her foot. "I'm sick of all of it! I'm no one's property and no one owns me, and you believe you can police my own virtue because you're a man and you have a right to do so, but you don't!"

Wide eyed, Ben stared at her. "Who… this isn't you."

"I am who I've always been. If you don't like it, well…" She threw her hands up in exasperation, letting them fall back down dramatically. "Maybe you should take some time to really think if you want to marry someone like me."

Regarding her for some time, his surprised eyes turned melancholy. "I won't back out."

"Why, when you clearly find all the things I'm saying detestable?"

"My decision was sealed the moment I took your virginity."

"You didn't take anything," she bit out with force, "I gave it to you because I wanted to."

It was vexing Lorraine how reserved Ben had become, bordering on sad. She wanted him to be angry at her, wanted his indignation so she could throw it back at him in equal measure. No one took anything from her, least of all her autonomy.

"Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to say something?" Lorraine asked with impatience.

He rounded his jaw, glanced at her house, then to her. "Lorraine… It doesn't matter how you look at it. Whether you gave it to me or not. What happened, happened. And if anyone finds out what we did," he kept his voice low as he neared her, "your reputation in society will be ruined."

"I've never really made a debut in society because of our betrothal," she pointed out. "The likelihood of someone knowing what we did is basically impossible."

"But even if no one knows, Rey," he hesitated, only an arms length away from here now. "Rey… you're no longer intact." Lorraine flinched. Ben looked to the ground between them, unable to keep eye contact. "No man of noble birth would marry you in either scenario knowing or even thinking you've been compromised."

That…

That's…

Lorraine was momentarily speechless from his bluntness.

"Wow…" she said on an exhale. "Such a gentleman, you are. A paragon of tact."

Ben closed his eyes, scrunching his face as if her words had stung. "You think I am a traditionalist in all aspects of my life, and you're right. I'm a product of the culture we live in, but that doesn't mean my beliefs are wrong. I will, however, concede that there is one double standard when it comes to men and women that I do not like." With his right hand, he swept back his hair. "And that is how it's acceptable for a man to sleep with as many whores as he likes, while if a woman so much as has a rumor start about her lack of virtue, she's marked as a pariah. It is something that has always bothered me, but… I don't make the rules. I don't have the power to mold society into believing something different. Which is why I'm being frank about your situation. Because if you don't choose me, you should know what your future might look like as an unmarried woman and possibly a societal castout." He winced on the last word, then scrubbed at his face. Like it had been so difficult to say such things to her.

The patronization on his part made Lorraine fume to the point that she couldn't even move. He really did view her as nothing but an immature, naive little girl who had no understanding how the world and society worked.

So many retorts ran through her head:

"I don't need you to explain my life to me."

"As a woman, I think I understand my situation better than you."

"You have no idea what it's like having every manner of a girl's life dictated to by men."

But she was unable to say any of those things. Instead, she looked at him and said, "Goodnight, Ben."

Lorraine turned and walked away. Wanting to enter through the back of the house, she went to the side gate, about to unlatch the lock when a hand on her arm tugged her to a stop. Of course, she knew who's aforementioned hand it had to be.

She wrenched her arm, but the hold was firm. "Look at me," Ben whispered.

Uh-huh. Nope. Lorraine couldn't look at him, especially when he was this close. One look, and she knew her outrage would dwindle.

Ben didn't ask again. Instead, out of the corner of her eye, she saw him reach into his pocket and pull out something small enough for his whole hand to envelope. The grip on her arm went to her hand, opening it palm up. He placed something there, curling her fingers around it.

His breath was on her ear, his voice muttering, "Happy Birthday, Rey."

She looked at him. She couldn't stop herself. Ben's cavernous, endless eyes stared back at her.

Traitorous part of her that it was, her core quivered with a want only Ben could fill. Her cheeks burned from both arousal and anger over not being able to control how much she desired him.

"I was planning on giving it to you tomorrow," he told her, "but… well…"

He let her go, stepping back, brows drawn in from the effort. BB meowed and went to him, winding through his legs, begging for pets. Ben bent down, briefly scratching the feline behind the ears before saying, "Please send your answer after the three months is over. Sometime in August should do."

Hurrying back to his horse, BB followed him. The cat always did like Ben, laying on his lap whenever he visited or napping next to him on the sofa. Now, BB was meowing loudly as he trailed after Ben, wanting him to stay. But if Ben wouldn't stay for Lorraine, he wasn't about to change his mind for a mere cat.

He was all power and grace as he mounted onto the steed's back, grasping at the reins. Lorraine and BB watched him gallop away, his form getting smaller and smaller until he disappeared.

Lorraine's attention went to what Ben had placed in her hand – a small, red velvet jewelry box. Heart skipping a beat, she opened it. Nestled in the display cushion, sparkling under the light of the moon, shined the most exquisite ring: A perfectly cut hexagonal diamond adorning the center, a halo of crystals surrounding the six sides, all balanced on a pure gold band.

She snapped the box shut.

As Lorraine stood there, Ben long gone and her eyes gazing out to the dark road and treeline, she contemplated. She figured that in every life, there was a turning point. One so sharp that turning back would be far more difficult than moving forward.

Tonight felt like one for her. Probably for Ben as well, she wasn't entirely sure.

But the path forward, as windy as it was, was all she had. As much as it infuriated her to agree with Ben, he was right. After what had happened tonight, all other marital prospects were now closed off from her. He was correct that no man would marry her now. The process of inspecting a woman to see if she was still intact was gradually becoming an old practice, but not fast enough. The highborn still demanded it, and she wouldn't marry someone below her station. Her parents wouldn't allow that.

She was ruined, but not necessarily in the way Ben believed.

Ben had ruined her for all other men, for no other man would ever compare to him. How his arms held her tightly with safety, how his amber eyes steadily watched her, how they fit so perfectly together – Lorraine would find none of that with anyone else.

She wanted to regret what they had done. She should regret it. But damn her to hell, she couldn't.

A/N

So... things are getting interesting for the past! I'm excited to write the flashbacks, because I have them all mostly mapped out in my head. Same with the present storyline as well. I've been writing down a general outline, and unless something comes to me while writing that changes things, I have a pretty good understanding of what scenes I need to write to get to the end. Half of the next chapter is already written, and has to do with the opening night of the play and somethings that happen after and the next day. I hope to get it out soon! I'm getting so excited to get this whole story written, that I've been writing everyday and have been keeping a good pace. Thank you so much for reading this story and for leaving Kudos or comments! They really do help me stay motivated and push myself to write more quickly. Love you all!

Terminology:

Alder Run: the dimension in which souls wait before going down to Earth for their mortal body, overseen by House Organa. It is also where the Celestials convene for discussions and meetings, the grand Empyrean Hall used for such occasions.

Abaddon: a holding place for the wicked and evil spirits of the world, looked over by Allister Snoke. It is a dark and gloomy place, covered in high rock columns, caverns, and thick dust. Once a soul's time of judgment comes, they pass through the Shroud to enter the Ether, a dimension where God dwells and where Heaven and Hell are located.

The Waypoint: a holding place for the good and upstanding souls of the world, looked over by House Kenobi. It is covered in greenery and warmth. Once a soul's time of judgment comes, they pass through the Shroud to enter the Ether, a dimension where God dwells and where Heaven and Hell are located.

The Shroud: the entrance to the Ether. Only deceased souls can pass through when it is their time to do so.

The Ether: a dimension beyond the Shroud, it is comprised of Heaven and Hell. After entering the Ether, the soul is judged by God.

Foreportal: a highly energized portal that allows travel between dimensions. Alder Run, Abaddon, and the Waypoint only have one, while Earth has numerous locations in each country. These portals have to be situated between live trees in order to sustain the portal's power, and only Celestials can create them. A protective barrier surrounds it that makes humans unaware of someone traveling through.

Subportal: a lesser portal that allows travel only on the Earthly plane. It can be created between closely situated wood fragments, most commonly placed in doorways that are framed with wood. Angels and Emissaries can create them if they learn how to use their own divine energy to do so. A protective barrier surrounds it that makes humans unaware of someone traveling through.

Trials of Mortality: A test every Celestial must undergo. They become human and live on Earth for a certain period of time in order for them to later understand the beings they will preside over. Once the trial is over, they are ready to be the head of their respective Houses and for the Celestial parents to move on unto the Ether. After being blessed with their own child, they now have a second chance to come down to Earth as parents – retaining all their memories and not fully mortal – as they watch over their offspring going through their mortal trials. Celestials can only live on Earth on those two occasions. The cycle then repeats.

Emissary: also known as a Reaper in the English language – or N'th-Mhitegin in the Celestial tongue – they find lost souls and bring them to either the Waypoint or Abaddon. They can dispatch hauntings and reverse possessions, their voice inculcated with the power to order deceased souls to do as they command. To be on Earth for a long period of time, they are imbued with a small degree of mortality, which can cause them to die if they take on a catastrophic injury.

Angel: a soul who forgoes an Earthly body to serve the Celestial houses. They can bestow blessings onto humans and hear a person's prayers if they are meant to help them. To be on Earth for a long period of time, they are imbued with a small degree of mortality, which can cause them to die if they take on a catastrophic injury.

Kyber blade: a crystal composed of the perfect balance of light and dark energy. When held with the intent of using it, a white glowing blade forms from it. A single scratch from the blade wipes a soul from the very fabrics of existence, nothing of them remaining.