It was truly a strange thing to mourn the living.
There had been a shrine in the living room for the past twelve years. That wasn't odd, most people had them. Pictures of the dead that forever haunted you, looked down on you, let the offerings you left for them go to waste. Wilted flowers, burnt down incense, stale and rotten food…she had never understood it even as a child. Why her dead grandparents had needed all of these things in the afterlife, why they left her grandparents things that they clearly had no use for, but of course she had learned not to ask those kinds of questions. 'We do this to honor the dead' her mother had said. As a part of mourning…that part made sense. Mourning was what you were supposed to do when someone died…though it was more for the living people they left behind.
But still, mourning the living was an odd thing to do.
Odd should have been their family name. They were odd people, always had been, and always would be. They had made Ritsu after all. He was…a good boy. He got good grades, always helped out around the house, and never complained about his parents' silliness…not that he needed to be told not to complain about this. As far as he knew Shigeko was dead. So for him it made as much sense what she was doing, lighting incense at her daughter's shrine, as it had for Hana back when she had been a little girl watching her parents leave offerings for her grandparents. So maybe they weren't odd and maybe Ritsu…he was himself and she loved everything about him.
She loved both of her children.
She wiped a tear away with the back of her hand, leaving a streak of black where her hand had met her eye. She probably looked like a raccoon. She would take her makeup off when she was done here. She would get out of these work clothes and then make dinner and enjoy the time she had with her remaining child. She knew that her time with Ritsu was limited. He was going to be thirteen in July and then he'd start middle school the following year and then before she knew it he'd be in high school and then university and then he'd have a family of his own…well, that last part was up in the air…but he could always adopt. Whatever he chose to do she would be right there behind him. He was her son, her only child, the only one she had anyway and she didn't need another person to mourn.
She didn't think that she could mourn another living person.
She didn't think that she could make a shrine for Ritsu, too. She didn't have it in her…she wiped her eye again. This time some of her eyeshadow came off too. She put her hands together in prayer. She knew that doing this, making a shrine for someone who wasn't dead and praying for them, attracted spirits but she didn't care. This was for her, for the living, and…and for Shigeko, too. Even if she had no idea, maybe, that she even had another mother…that her mother missed her, her father too, and that her brother would have if he had known her. That she didn't know…she had no idea all the things that her mother wanted to say to her.
The same things she said every year.
"Happy Birthday, Shigeko. You're fourteen today. I hope…I hope you're happy, wherever you are. I hope you're having a good time in middle school. I hope you have lots of friends and you're getting good grades. I hope you have a boyfriend, too, I think you're old enough for one…I mean if your brother is then you are…but that's up to your mother. Your new mother…" said Hana as she blinked back tears. She wasn't going to cry. Shigeko didn't need that. She didn't even have the right to cry, all of this was her own doing. She had been the one to give Shigeko up of her own volition. She was the one who couldn't handle her. She was the who had put one of her children ahead of the other…
This was all her fault.
"I hope that you don't hold it against me but I would understand if you did. I know that it must be hard for you knowing that we gave you up…or not knowing. I have no idea what your new family has been telling you all these years. I have no idea who they even are." Said Hana with a sniffle that would have been embarrassing had she not been alone. She was alone, though, alone talking to a photograph of her daughter. One of the few that had come out well. Shigeko wasn't smiling, she almost never smiled, but she was at least looking at the camera. She had always tried to take cameras away when they had been pointed at her, her little telekinetic grip hadn't been so strong when she had been born but by the time she had turned two she had been able to rip just about anything out of her parents' hands.
That was why she had new parents now. People in her life that were equipped to take care of her.
"Not that it matters who they are. They're like you, that's what matters. You….you deserve to grow up with your own kind, with people like you, and…and the agency said that your new family was more than equipped to take care of you. That they can do the things you do…the amazing things you do…" said Hana. It had been truly amazing once she realized that she hadn't been losing her mind. Her daughter could move things without touching them. Hana had never seen anything like that in her life outside of a movie. She hadn't known what to do about it but…but it had seemed so harmless in the beginning. Back when it took effort to make her pacifier float out of her mouth. Back when her telekinetic grasp hadn't been much stronger than her little baby hands. Back before Ritsu had been born…tiny, fragile, little Ritsu…
He still had the scar.
"And the terrifying things you do, too. It was…it was terrifying, Shigeko, what happened back when you were little. How Ritsu got hurt. I…I'm not putting Ritsu ahead of you, before you, I just wanted you both to grow up in a place where you could be safe and taken care of. That's all. I just wanted to give both of you a better life." said Hana. She was pleading with a photograph. She must have looked so odd. Thank goodness Ritsu wasn't home. He didn't need to see his mother like this. They hid the worst of it, how they felt, from Ritsu. He was just a little boy. He didn't need all of this on his shoulders. They had wanted to keep it all from him but it had been an impossible thing, hiding their grief, so…so they let him grieve too. They had tried their best to give him a good life but this…the shadow of what they had done hung over him. No wonder he was out with his friends and not standing their grieving the living with his mother. He was out with his friends like Shigeko was…possibly.
She had no idea what Shigeko was doing right now.
She had no idea if Shigeko even had friends. Maybe she was unpopular. Maybe she was bullied for her abilities. Maybe she was even the bully. Hana didn't know. She had no idea what had become of her daughter and…and she knew, though, that this was not a good train of thought to be on. Shigeko had a better life. That had been the whole point of putting herself through this. She had made a better life for her daughter…
Or at least she had tried to.
"So please tell me that you've had a good life, Shigeko. Please tell me that they're treating you well. Please tell me that you're having a good time in middle school, the best time, even though I know how it can be. How confusing this time in your life can be. Please tell me that your new family is helping you through this. That your new mother is there for you, that you have lots of friends, that you have people in your life that care about you…" said Hana. Shigeko had people in her life that cared about her. She had to or…or Hana had given her up for nothing. Taken her first child out of her life for nothing. Deprived Ritsu of his sister for nothing. She…she'd had a good reason for what she had done and…and she knew that…that she couldn't be angry at herself for this. For giving Shigeko a better life than the one she could have given her. Shigeko had been so loved here but love wasn't everything.
Love mattered, of course, but safety mattered more…and happiness. The kind that Shigeko could only have gotten from her own kind.
"…and please tell me that you know, that you remember, how much your father and brother and I care about you…how much we love you." said Hana softly as she turned away from the shrine. Shigeko was off with her own kind. She was better off that way. This…this was not right, mourning the living, and she couldn't devote any more time to it. Not when she had dinner to make, laundry to do, and an entire weekend to prepare for. Maybe she could organize something fun for everyone. Something to take their minds off of all of this.
It felt sacrilegious.
She wiped her eyes a final time. She couldn't do anything fun. Not now. It felt wrong and…and she knew that it wasn't wrong but that was just how it felt. She had never been good at escaping from her feelings. Not when they were big like this. She just…she focused on chores. She heard a key turning in the front door and wiped her hands on her skirt. Ritsu couldn't see her like this. She had to be strong for him. Her son needed his mother.
And his father, too.
"Hana, you'll never guess what I found in our mailbox." Said Ichimaro as he shut the door much too hard. Shigeko's photo toppled over. She quickly righted it, apologizing quietly as her husband stomped his way out of the genkan.
"Careful." Said Hana
"Sorry, sorry, I know. I'm just excited." Said Ichimaro
"If it's another one of those 'we have an exciting business opportunity for you' flyers just recycle it. They're always scams." Said Hana
"I didn't lose that much money last time, just a small initial investment-" said Ichimaro
"Honey, no. Not again." said Hana. She expected his face to fall like it always did when she put her foot down. This time, however, it didn't. He still looked happy…much too happy for a day like this. She almost wanted to tell him that their daughter didn't need this. Almost. Shigeko wasn't there, not in spirit, and…and maybe it was a good thing that Ichimaro was moving on. Maybe she needed to move on too, for Ritsu's sake. It couldn't have been healthy for him to see his parents get like this twice a year. Once on Shigeko's birthday and another on the day they gave her up. Maybe she had no right to be angry with her husband at all, not for this anyway, since…well, this had gone on long enough.
It had been twelve years after all.
"Alright, alright, if it's too good to be true then it probably is but this…well, it seems to good to be true but I called the place and it seems legitimate." Said Ichimaro
"Called who about what now?" asked Hana
"Hana…look what our wonderful, amazing, talented son won for us." Said Ichimaro as he handed her an envelope. She opened it quickly. Whatever it was had to be good if he was happy about it, and if Ritsu had won it for them…
Wow.
"Ritsu won this for us?" asked Hana as she held two vouchers for a weekend at what looked like a very fancy bathhouse/hot springs/spa…though the fine print said that the outdoor hot springs were down but still. She felt the paper. Thick. These felt real. She held them up to the light. Watermarks…
Huh.
"Yes, and have I mentioned how much I love our son? He entered us, the Takanes, and the Hirai's and we all won. It's on the insert." Said Ichimaro as he handed her a folded piece of paper. It was just a normal sheet of printer paper with what looked like stock clip art, the kind she used when she made flyers for open houses, on it. There was something distinctly amateur about it.
"And you're sure he won it?" asked Hana
"Well I don't think that he stole it. He's never stolen anything as far as I know." said Ichimaro
"No, no, I know that our son isn't a thief. We didn't raise him that way." Said Hana as she read the insert over again. She hadn't raised Ritsu to beat people up either but he had a real problem with that and she hadn't raised him to be…he loved who he loved, he was who he was, and she knew better than to let herself have thoughts like that.
"And I'm guessing he didn't buy them, either, since we only give him a thousand yen a week." Said Ichimaro
"You're right…but this whole thing just seems too good to be true." Said Hana
"Don't jinx it!" said Ichimaro
"I'm not jinxing anything. This just…this doesn't seem right." Said Hana softly. Ichimaro's face fell. He sighed and took her hand in his. Fifteen years of marriage and it still never failed to surprise her, how her hand fit in his, and how he could make her feel better with nothing more than the touch of his palm to hers.
"With today being, well, today?" asked Ichimaro. Hana nodded.
"We shouldn't be going out. Not with…with what happened. With what we did." Said Hana. Ichimaro nodded and clasped her hand tightly in his. She wished that she was the one who had been born a psychic, not Shigeko, then maybe she could have had some sense of what her husband was thinking. There was so much going on behind those eyes of his. She wished that he would have shared some of it with her.
She could wait. She did wait
"Hana…I know. I know what today is and…and I know what we did. I know that we gave Shigeko up and…and it's hard on me too, you know." said Ichimaro
"I know." said Hana
"But I also know that Shigeko, if she was here, would have wanted us to go. I mean she's fourteen and what fourteen year old wouldn't have wanted the house to herself on her birthday." Said Ichimaro with a smile and a laugh that somehow managed to reach his eyes. She loved his smiles, his laughs, and…and she loved him. But there was something that felt so wrong about smiling on a day like today…
But Shigeko would have wanted them to be happy. Ritsu sure did.
"We wouldn't have left her behind, if she had been here, I mean birthday or not she would have been hurt if we had taken Ritsu and not her." said Hana with a smile that, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't make meet her eyes.
"We can't take Ritsu. We only have two vouchers." Said Ichimaro. Hana looked down. Yes, there, in her hand were only two…well then that settled it.
"You know that we can't go. We can't leave Ritsu home alone. I'm sure if Ritsu had known that there wouldn't be enough for all of us he wouldn't have even entered us in this contest." Said Hana as she watched Ichimaro's face settle into an expression that she could only describe as devious. The same one Ritsu got when she knew he was up to something, though what that something was she had never managed to figure out in the nearly thirteen years she had spent being his mother.
"I'm sure he knew all about this." Said Ichimaro
"What do you mean?" asked Hana
"I mean he texted me earlier, and yes I know not to leave our son home alone for days on end, that he'd be spending the weekend with Teru. God, they grow up so fast, don't they?" said Ichimaro with a chuckle. Hana saw nothing funny in any part of what he had just said.
"Ichimaro!" said Hana as she smacked him lightly on the arm. He quickly put his arms up.
"I surrender!" said Ichimaro
"Come on now, be serious. Ritsu's just a little boy and…and I'm sure he didn't plan for this." Said Hana
"He taught himself to read when he was two, Hana, let's give him more credit than that. He's just a kid, yeah, but he's a smart kid." Said Ichimaro
"Well now we doubly can't go. I don't want him alone in the house with his boyfriend. He's too young for…for things like that." Said Hana. She didn't want to think about any of that. Even if Ritsu's had a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend she still didn't want to think about things like that. She loved her son so much and…and she wasn't ready for this. She would have loved him no matter what but she still needed time to prepare herself for all the 'what' his teenage years had in store for her.
"They're staying at Reigen's and you know he's not going to let anything get out of hand. He's just as responsible for Teru as we are for Ritsu…actually, more so when you take into account the fact that Reigen isn't even his father." Said Ichimaro
"I'd like to think that we're a bit more responsible than Teru's parents." Said Hana with a disapproving sniff, the kind that her mother would have wholeheartedly approved of. She didn't understand European people. How could they have just abandoned their son in another country like that? Teru had said that it was just easier for them to conduct their business like that. In Hana's opinion if a person had to abandon their child for their career then they needed to reconsider their line of work…not that she would ever say anything, of course, Teru wasn't her son and Reigen was a good sitter. She knew him, he was practically family, and she had no reason to object to Ritsu spending the weekend with him.
She had no reason to object to any of this. No good reason, anyway.
"Compared to those people we're mother and father of the year." Said Ichimaro
"Even if we are leaving our son all alone." Said Hana
"Hana, we're not leaving him. We're just going away for the weekend and…and I think that it would do all of us some good. with today being Shigeko's birthday and all…we need something to take our minds off of her. She's on our minds every single moment of every day and…and it's not…" said Ichimaro
"Healthy." Said Hana
"I was going to say that it wasn't productive but healthy is a better way of putting it. She's not dead, Hana, and every year we act like she is. We act that way for Ritsu and…and maybe we've made him mourn enough. Maybe we've mourned enough…for now. I love her, you love her, we'll never stop loving her but…but it's a lot for Ritsu. Hell, this might have even been his way of telling us that he's…that he's had enough." Said Ichimaro. Hana didn't know if she wanted to hit him again or yell at him or kiss him or cry on him. So she did none of that. She blinked back her tears and kept calm. She…she listened. She heard him but now she had to listen. He hadn't said anything that she hadn't thought and…and maybe he was right.
Maybe they had spent enough time mourning the living.
"You're right. She isn't dead and…and she wouldn't want us to be like this. She would have wanted us to be happy so let's be happy…but you're packing your own suitcase." Said Hana with mirth she didn't feel. It felt wrong, sacrilegious even, to leave on a day like today. Like she was directing Shigeko's memory by leaving…but there was no memory to disrespect. That was the sort of thing a person thought at a gravesite, or a real shrine, not when thinking about their living daughter.
Shigeko wasn't dead, she was just…elsewhere, that was all. She was alive elsewhere and, really, it made no sense to mourn the living.
