Christmas Day, 1997 – Belfast, Northern Ireland
Bags full of presents were ripping at the seams as the O'Toole's stepped into the coziness of Fiona and Jimmy's home. Hugs and kisses to cheeks, and exuberant wishes of "Merry Christmas," were exchanged before Kerrianne excitedly led Liam into the living room to stash the gifts under the tree.
"Ya spoil her, Liv." Fiona snickered to her sister-in-law, referencing the abundance of packages which bore Kerrianne's name. "Where's Catherine?"
Patrick exchanged a bitter glance with Jimmy as he hung up his wife's coat. "She's feelin' a wee bit under the weather. Decided to stay home."
Fiona didn't second guess Patrick's lie about Catherine's absence, but Jimmy did. It had been over ten days since Catherine had seen or spoken to him and the guilt was building uncontrollably. Never in his life had Jimmy seen Catherine as hysterical as she had been following her initiation. He pushed her to such an edge, Patrick told Jimmy she was reconsidering her decision to volunteer altogether.
By a miracle, Patrick had managed to talk Catherine into attending midnight Mass at St. Matts, but she had been forced to sit beside Jimmy as the church had been packed to capacity. When she crawled into Patrick and Olivia's bed that morning following gifts, Patrick couldn't say "no," when she asked to skip dinner at Jimmy and Fiona's.
Her not showing up was a low blow for Jimmy. He was trying desperately to get her to speak to him so he could make amends for what happened, but she refused to acknowledge his existence. Truth was, Jimmy did feel terrible for what he put her through. Instead of being focused on how it would have looked to his men, he should have considered what that hell would do to her. Unlike most of his recruits, Catherine lived a hard life. She understood what it meant to be IRA, understood the violence that shaped their worldview, and was devoted to the bone. He let his unease about ending up in prison or dead take over and in the process, he damaged the only person he truly loved in the world.
Devastated, Jimmy excused himself into the kitchen needing to be alone. As he stood with his back resting on the edge of the counter, he was numb listening to Fiona, Olivia, Patrick, Liam, and Brien, chatter and laugh about nonsense. His heart was in misery not hearing her contagious laughter, her bubbly, feminine voice. He would kill just to see a glimpse of her sincere smile, or those piercing blue eyes that always beamed with radiance.
If she wasn't going to come to him, he'd have to go to her.
Reaching for the bottle of whiskey on the counter, Jimmy twisted the cap and poured it down the sink. Jogging to the living room, he waved the empty whiskey bottle at Fiona.
"We're outta Bushmills. Donny said he's got a spare bottle so I'm gonna run over there and grab it."
"That's odd." Fiona watched Jimmy grab his coat and keys. "Could'a sworn I bought one yesterday."
Without even a goodbye, he was out the door and on his way to the Lower Falls.
Knocking on the door, Jimmy was relieved when Catherine opened it. The moment she saw his face, however, she attempted to slam it. He was quicker than her and placed his foot in the opening to prevent it from closing. Jimmy was the last person she wanted to speak to, let alone see. When she realized he wasn't getting that message, she took off up the stairs to barricade herself in her room.
Hot on her heels, Jimmy called out after her. He kicked the door shut behind him and then took the steps two at a time. Reaching her room, he twisted the knob to find it was locked.
"C'mon, open the fuckin' door." He slammed an open palm to the white wood.
"Fuck you," she spat. Her venomous words were laced with anger he didn't think she was capable of. "We've nothin' to talk about.
Catherine wasn't interested in anything Jimmy had to say. After what happened, the betrayal she harbored ran so deep for him, she was questioning his place in her life. She was also reconsidering whether or not the True Army was for her. If they were willing to take it that far before she had even been sworn in, Catherine couldn't imagine what they would do once she was.
"It was never personal, ya need to know that."
It wasn't enough for her to completely forgive him, but it did plant the seed of doubt. She sniffled and his voice rang out again.
"I'm so sorry, Catherine. I'm so fuckin' sorry. Ya didn't deserve it but I had 'ta know how you'd hold up."
When he heard the lock pop open, Jimmy pushed the door open and found Catherine standing in the middle of her room. She wiped the tears from her red and bloated eyes with the back of her hand. Watching her breakdown over something he'd done to her gripped Jimmy's heart with fleeting remorse. The aftermath of initiation was never pretty and Catherine was no exception. She was, however, beyond resilient and while she didn't see it now, it would prepare her for the long life ahead.
In four steps, Jimmy approached her. There was nothing he wanted more than to have her in his arms, but she didn't feel the same. As he reached out to her, Catherine quickly slapped his hands away.
"Don't fuckin' touch me." She lashed.
Taking a ragged deep breath, Catherine sat at the foot of her bed. Jimmy rubbed his hands over his face to hide the gut-wrenching sight of her upset. She was never one to outright show her emotions, especially when plagued with melancholy. The fact Catherine was brazenly allowing the tears to fall in front him was a sore reality check as to how badly she was hurting.
"Do ya not trust me?"
At the sound of her dense mousy voice, Jimmy dropped to his knees in front of Catherine. He grabbed her hands, and much to his astonishment she didn't pull back. The physical maltreatment was something Catherine could move past; too many times to count had she picked herself up from the violence around her. She refused to allow a few gashes on her sides and the brands on her chest to keep her down. What drowned Catherine, was the uncertainty in what she did to drive Jimmy to give the order. She went over it thousands of times in her head, wondering where she went wrong. Had she spoken to someone she wasn't supposed to? Was she not as stealthy as she thought she had been when she tossed a pistol into the River Lagan?
When he buried his brother twelve years ago, Jimmy sealed off the dam to emotion. He found it was easier to go through life without feeling much of anything. Not to mention, when he refused to acknowledge any human sentiment, it made his job a hell of a lot easier. There was only one person who managed to invoke his vulnerability and that was Catherine. Looking up at her, as she questioned his faith in her, it left Jimmy feeling helpless. He knew he would have to crawl through Hell on his hands and knees before he earned her trust back. Never in his wildest dreams did he want Catherine to end up feeling unnerved around him but that's exactly what happened and it utterly killed him.
"Was never about that, a chuisle." Jimmy reached up and cupped her jaw. His thumb smeared her tears and he blinked back his own at the wretched sound of her cry. "I will always trust you. What I do, what I want you doin', it's very high-risk. It needed to be proved you could hold up if ya were arrested. I never doubted ya."
Catherine's breath stuttered and the red blotchy spots on her face were beating. "Did Liam have to go through that, too?"
There was no use in lying to her. Jimmy also realized Catherine was a bit more naive to his work than he originally thought. He decided to tread carefully.
"No, Liam's unit is more…boots on the ground. Ya won't be doin' what he does."
Her face began to lose the traces of distress, but they were replaced with perplexity. Jimmy prudently observed Catherine as he asked her if she knew exactly what his job entailed. He winced when she gave him a watered-down description and he knew he'd have to fill in the details she wasn't aware of.
"Aye," Jimmy started, "I do make sure all the units have what they need in terms of weapons, ammunition, explosives. But, my focus in on makin' sure there's cash bein' pumped into our dyin' fight. How I make that happen is through buyin' and sellin' those things all over the world."
Catherine closed her eyes for a moment, allowing it all to sink in. She had been clueless to the extent of Jimmy's work, and hearing him tell her he trafficked weapons all over the world, and not just in Ireland as she thought, was a tough pill to swallow. A bigger playing field meant bigger punishment.
"And, if I'm ever voted in by the Council, that's what I'd be doin' too?"
Jimmy nodded.
"Be honest with me." Catherine placed her index finger under Jimmy's chin and gently pushed up so she could see his eyes. "Who ordered that to happen? You or the Council?"
"The Council."
It scared Jimmy how easy it was to lie right to Catherine's face. However, if he told her the truth, she would never forgive him and certainly cut him from her life. Catherine had no reason to doubt his answer because as far as she was concerned, he'd never been dishonest with her. He didn't care if she hated the Council; he cared if she hated him.
Hearing that her trip to South Armagh had been sanctioned by the Council was bittersweet for Catherine. While she was having a hard time wrapping her mind around the fact they would willingly do that to recruits, on the other hand, she took it as a good sign. They wouldn't have wasted their time if they weren't seriously considering her. After hearing the truth Jimmy had fed her, Catherine could accept his hand in it all. He had no choice; when an order came from above, there was no other option than to accepted it with a smile and a thank you. His hands had been tied.
Finally, calm and no more signs of tears from Catherine, Jimmy stood to his feet. He grabbed her hands to help hoist her off her bed before wrapping his arms around her. Neither seeing nor speaking to Catherine for the last week and a half had been unbearable for Jimmy. He hadn't realized just how much his life revolved around her until she wasn't in it anymore. Fiona had tried her damnedest to pull Jimmy from his funk, not wanting him to slip into one of his famous foul moods for Christmas. Now that he had Catherine back in his arms, all seemed right in the world again.
Lifting her head off his chest, Jimmy ran his knuckles along Catherine's flush cheek. "You're gorgeous."
Bashful, Catherine averted her eyes from his until he cupped her face in his hands, and wasted no time going in for a kiss.
It was far from their first kiss but the moment their lips touched, there was a fire neither had been expecting. Catherine's mouth instinctually fell open, allowing his tongue to entangle hers where they both could taste the next fifty years of life. Jimmy planted his hands on her hips and she kneaded the material of his sweater between her fingers.
Breaking the kiss, Jimmy pulled his sweater up and over his head, tossing it onto the floor beside her dresser. Catherine ran her hands along his chest and abdomen as he grabbed the nape of her neck to collide their lips once again. Their tongues tangled and fought for control. Catherine's pushed against his is an attempt to take over his mouth, but he wouldn't allow it.
Taking a step back, Catherine didn't break the eye contact as she slid down her joggers, tossing them to the side. She ignited with a white heat as she ditched her shirt, leaving her in just her bra and panties. Standing there half-naked had her feeling vulnerable, yet completely comfortable. Her youth didn't go unnoticed by Jimmy. He licked his lips as he soaked in the deep, taut curves of her sides, her creamy skin.
"Are we crazy?" Catherine's voice broke the silence.
Jimmy grabbed her cheeks and searched her eyes. He knew he had taken it too far and she wasn't ready just yet to give herself over.
"What are ya talkin' about, a chuisle?"
Catherine grabbed his wrists, snuggling her face into his hand. "If we do this, we both know it won't be just this once. What'll people think?"
"Let 'em talk and judge. I just want you to be with me, as long as that's what ya what as well. You've no idea how badly I want you."
"I want ya, too."
Jimmy pressed a kiss to her forehead. That was all the confirmation he needed. He took his time ridding Catherine of her bra and panties and his eyes grew dark with lust and desire as he watched her breasts fall into their natural position. As she stood there naked, Jimmy couldn't deny her heavenliness—scars, cuts, burns in all. Every single blemish that now adorned her body told a story and they made her appear older and wiser.
One hand on the small of her back, Jimmy drove the other through her hair as he pulled her close. Tipping her head back to taste those sweet lips, he couldn't stop his hands from roaming her bare ass. The firm cheeks fit perfectly in his large hands as he walked her backward to her bed. Catherine wrapped her arms around his neck to deepen the kiss.
When the backs of her knees hit the mattress, Jimmy smirked into the kiss when she brought him down with her. It was as if she were desperately holding on to him, afraid that if she were to let go it would all come to an end. As he broke the kiss to stand up, he could hear Catherine wimpier in protest. He winked at her as he undid his belt, released the button of his pants; he caught the fire burning within her. Those baby blue eyes smoldered and were super focused on his hands as Jimmy eased the material of his pants and underwear down.
She felt the familiar pulse in her core pound harder as she saw Jimmy naked for the first time. Catherine had expected there to be awkwardness, but it was the exact opposite. Never before had she appreciated the male form until the moment Jimmy kicked his Calvin's aside. In all his glory, he was magnificent. Toned muscles rippled under tan and tattooed skin. She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth when her attention was brought to his impressive erection.
He crawled onto the bed, he figured out how to make this experience as pleasurable as possible with the least amount of pain.
"That's a good girl," he purred, as Catherine's legs fell open. He settled on his stomach between them.
With her legs parted, Jimmy's eyes burned at the sight before him. She was soft and hairless, glistening pink, and beyond tight. He felt her fingers thread through his hair as he brought his middle finger to her, ever so lightly teasing just her soaked opening.
"Anyone ever touch ya like this, Catherine?"
Her back arched on the mattress as he slipped the tip of his finger shallowly inside. Catherine could only shake her head, unable to find words to speak. She propped herself up on her elbows, wanting to watch every move Jimmy made. It only turned him on more as he watched her plush lashes flutter behind the frames of her glasses.
Removing his finger from her, he slid his hands under her ass and brought his mouth to her. Catherine felt her breath hitch in her throat when her brain registered the foreign sensation of a hot, wet tongue—Jimmy's tongue—going where no man had ever gone before. As if he were licking an ice cream cone, his tongue lapped at her swollen clit.
To Jimmy, Catherine tasted like a fine whiskey he was honored to drink. One sip of her warmth left a burn in his heart. They breached the line of decency and fell straight into a wicked sin. She became his willing victim, his muse, his toy to act out his most carnal desires. He lusted for her touch; her forbidden fruit.
His balls grew painfully snug as he watched Catherine twist to the brutal attack he brought upon her body. Jimmy was crawling out of his skin at how responsive to his touch she was. Catherine didn't hide how she felt, she let him know what he was doing was bringing her immeasurable pleasure. Jimmy took his time in pushing her to the brink of her climax. She called out his name over, and over, as the stars behind eyelids burst and spun. Those long, sharp fingernails of hers clawed at his scalp while her thighs cuffed his ears. He wrapped his lips around her clit and sucked, milking the hard orgasm from her body.
When it was over, Catherine allowed her back to fall to the mattress and she covered her face with her hands, giggling. She was basking in the pure bliss of the post-orgasmic haze and it was a state she wished she could never leave.
Nonetheless, he was nowhere near done with her. Wiping Catherine from his mouth, Jimmy draped an arm across her lower abdomen as he knew what he was about to do next would be unpleasant for her. Catherine squirmed from the slight overstimulation as he stroked her folds. Jimmy held her down on the mattress as he mercifully inserted two fingers into her virgin cunt. His eyes never left her as Catherine twisted. Her body had been shocked with the sensation of a rubber band popping her insides. She was uncomfortable and in slight pain; her eyes popped open, her jaw fell, and her brow furrowed. As his fingers slid in and out of her, he knew he wasn't being as gentle as he could have been. His only focus was making she was good and ready.
Easing his fingers from her, Jimmy wasn't at all surprised when he noticed the blood. Catherine's breathing was heavy and she shook with anticipation as she watched Jimmy maneuver himself to the head of her bed. Moving pillows out of his way, resting his back against the headboard.
"C'mere baby."
Crawling over to him, she tossed a leg over his lap, straddling his hips. Jimmy could feel her hand trembling as she rested it on his shoulder for balance. To help her mellow, he ran calloused fingers along her sides.
"Deep breaths," he reminded her. "If you're relaxed, it'll only be a wee bit uncomfortable."
Catherine nodded, but she hesitated and sat back on his thighs. "I'm just worried I won't be any good in this position. Not a clue what I'm doin'."
Her reservations were well warranted and Jimmy understood the sudden strike of self-consciousness. While he didn't expect her to jump on and know exactly what to her first time, it was peculiar for him to see her so reserved. Normally she was so self-assured in everything and anything she did.
Playfully smacking her on the thigh to urge her up, Jimmy wrapped his arms around her. To distract her, Jimmy scaled his mouth around hers for another torrid kiss. He felt her fingers lace around the nape of his neck. With her mind focused on nothing more than that kiss, he gripped the base of his thick erection, guiding it to the heat he sought.
The kiss broke as he eased Catherine down. As expected, her eyes squeezed shut, and a moan of euphoria and discomfort escaped her reddened and swollen lips. When Catherine sank as far as possible, Jimmy held still, allowing her to get used to the delicious sting of him stretching her out. Watching her eyes roll into the back of their sockets with intense pleasure, Jimmy had to control himself upon feeling her slick heat surrounding his bare skin.
This wasn't about him. He wanted her to set the pace, to feel comfortable having him most intimately. When she was ready to start moving, Catherine found pace in a slow grind, Jimmy easing her movements with an encouraging hand on the small of her back. Her hands found their way back to his neck just as her lips collided with his. The kiss wasn't hungry and infatuated as they expected. Rather, it was slow and deep, matching the rhythm of their hips.
"Fuck." Catherine placed her forehead against his, their bodies moving in synch and slicked with sweat.
Jimmy grabbed Catherine's jaw so her gaze wouldn't leave him. Licking his fore and middle fingers on the opposite hand, he would make her watch as he made her come. Show her that she was his; she was always his and forever would be. Catherine's body squirmed involuntarily as Jimmy pressed his wet fingers to her oversensitive bundle of nerves. He drew lazy circles around her clit and Catherine could feel the charge building deep within her belly. She knew it was fast approaching.
"Jimmy," Catherine's tongue guided one of his fingers into her mouth. He almost came at the sight and feel of her warm mouth fervently sucking his finger. Wanting to last just a bit longer, he tore it out of her mouth. "Just like that. I think I'm close."
Before the words could even leave her mouth, Jimmy felt her sex clench tighter, and tighter around him. Her muscles tensed and she fought to breathe.
Catherine was too far gone to protest as he roughly maneuvered her onto her stomach. One hand gripping her hair close to the scalp, Jimmy used the free one to get her up on her knees. He bottomed out into her without the slightest hesitation, his pace became wanton and intense. Three sounds were filling the thick, humid air: skin slapping, Jimmy's primal grunts, and the feminine, throaty moans coming from Catherine. He loved the fact she wasn't afraid to be loud and it sounded natural.
Jimmy couldn't get enough of the sight of Catherine on all fours. He ran a hand down her back as he thrust sharply, a cry of pain escaping her mouth when he hit her cervix.
"Say it again," he demanded.
Catherine twisted herself so she could look at him as he pounded her. She knew exactly what he wanted—nay—needed to hear.
"Fuck, that feels good, Jimmy."
Jaw locked, teeth clenched, and hips powering back and forth, he slammed his cock into her again and again, until he felt the walls of his world fall like a house of cards.
Suddenly, he could breathe again.
A breath he didn't know he had been holding in since his brother died. A painful ache sheared in his chest and it hurt like fucking hell when Jimmy realized it was his sign to start living again.
Nothing was going to change the past or give him back those years without Eamonn, and now he wanted more. More of the future. More and more until virtually his old life ceased to exist and everything felt as amazing as Catherine and fit as perfectly as she fit around him.
Jimmy knew he was an awful man. He smoked, he broke the law, and he manipulated people to get exactly what he wanted in life. He didn't care because no one taught him how to. But when it came to her, he wanted to be the best man possible. He couldn't bear the thought of her being hurt by him, or by anyone else, for that matter. He would kill to protect her; the girl who cared about someone as worthless and monstrous as him in all her perfection. Catherine was an angel craving chaos, and he was a demon seeking peace.
She repeated his name a third time and that's when he lost control still inside of her, neither of them giving two thoughts about the repercussions.
Exhausted, Catherine fell to a heap on her mattress. Breathing hard, she tried to catch her breath, not wanting the feeling to ever disappear. Her thoughts had gone to a place of contentment and she was feeling clingy and selfish for wanting much more, now that she had gotten a raw taste of Jimmy.
As her breathing evened, Jimmy looked down at her with eyes that would surely scare Catherine if she looked up. They were storming with possession as his fingers traced the space between her shoulder blades. Moving to straddle her waist, Jimmy gathered her hair in his fist and clamped his teeth down hard. Catherine jerked and cried out, gripping the black sheet. He was leaving his mark, laying claim to what was his.
Jimmy would make her get a tattoo of his name between her shoulder blades, marking her permanently.
