Discalimer: Not mine
If: This chapter is dedicated to my dearly departed Angel. Love ya hun...
YINGYANGBLOSSOMS : Heh, thanks for the review. 's ok about the reviews, I don't mind, I'm just happy I get them. :)
Gaara didn't quite know what he was feeling, or what he should be feeling. He didn't understand what had happened, he didn't know why. Why would Sasuke do that? And then he had smiled, bleeding and practically dying in Gaara's arms, and he had only smiled as if to comfort him. What would Gaara need comfort for? Why did he need comforting? Why did Sasuke protect him? It just didn't make any sense!
Gaara's felt as though he was going to throw up, his stomach was rolling and he didn't know why. His heart was clenching, and his chest felt tight. What could be causing these sensations? He had felt fine earlier. There was nothing wrong with him; the doctors had said so, though they had said he was unstable, but fine. But these feelings… what caused them? The nauseous feeling, the tight pain in his chest, the nagging guilt, and all those other feelings he couldn't comprehend, why was he feeling like this? He was crying and he didn't even know why.
Gaara's world was turned on its ear and he was reeling, thrown off balance in this world where black was white and up was down. This world, where people sacrificed themselves for others and cared about monsters, what sort of world was this? Why would someone sacrifice themselves for someone else? What was the purpose? Humans valued themselves over others, so why would one forget that and try to save someone else? Who could possibly care for a demon? Who could care enough about a demon to sacrifice themselves for it? What kind of person would that be? What sort of person would do that?
There were too many questions without answers, too many feelings unlabeled, and there was still that nagging feeling of needing Sasuke to be alright. Gaara just couldn't comprehend any of it, least of all needing Sasuke of all people to be alright.
"Why?" he asked the empty room again, as though it would give him some insightful answers into the problems of his heart. Did he even have a heart? If he did, it would certainly explain all those feelings. But weren't demons and monsters heartless? Did that mean he wasn't a demon?
And with that single thought, Gaara's world crashed down around his ears.
He had always been told he was a demon. He had been told by parents (of other children along with his own father), children, Yashamaru, all those delinquents in juvie, any adult he had come in contact with practically, and his own peers. "How could the whole world be wrong?" Had been what he always thought. Truly so many people wouldn't lie or be wrong. But… there had always been that nagging seed of doubt buried in the back of his mind. There was also the fact that Naruto, Naruto's friends, and Sasuke had never, not even once, called him a monster or a demon. But even though the people closest and dearest to him hadn't called him those names, he had never believed them. It hurt Gaara to know that it only became apparent that they were right when one of them gave up their life (maybe) for him. Him. Him of all people!
There were better people in the world, there were more needy people in the world, anyone was better than him. For even though Gaara knew he wasn't a demon or a monster, he would never have self-confidence. It was impossible to gain that which you never had to begin with, and believed was wrong. Gaara would never think of himself as worthy.
"I can't describe you, that's how wonderful you seem to me."
Sasuke's words from a few hours ago came ringing into his mind. Gaara's brow furrowed. What did that mean? Did that mean that Sasuke wanted to… Gaara blushed. Or was there something more, something Gaara just couldn't understand right now, to it.
How could those words be confusing? If he can't be described, how could he be wonderful? Gaara wasn't exactly a good person. Was he just an incredibly good looking face with a dark and tattered soul attached? How could Gaara be "wonderful?" It just wasn't possible, was it?
Or was it that Gaara wasn't looking at it from Sasuke's angle. Gaara was warped and unwanted in his own mind. Maybe in Sasuke's he was something better. But Gaara had never given Sasuke any reason to think any better of him. Gaara tried to think like other, less pessimistic, people. Maybe, to Sasuke, Gaara was a good person who was warped through a bad family life and his experiences in juvie. Maybe Sasuke saw some sort of… "Good person" underneath all the filth this world had placed on him. Gaara just scoffed at his reasoning. That sounded like a bunch of psychic mumbo jumbo to him. Gaara didn't believe in people examining the mind, they weren't as smart as they were cracked up to be.
Pish… looking beneath the beneath… how stupid was that?
Stupid though it may be in Gaara's mind, but it was the only way he could think of that would explain why Sasuke would say that. But then Gaara realized that there was more to it than just seeing what Gaara "could have been" or "was underneath all the gloom and doom" or something. There would have to be feelings attached to the statement. So Gaara took a close look at how Sasuke acted around him.
Sasuke was always either hanging on him, teasing him, flirting with him, molesting him, talking to him, listening to him, being generally nice to him (in the hospital at least), and other such things. All of these sorts of things pointed to Sasuke liking him, and not just in the friendly way. Gaara just let that sink in, but that wasn't too hard to absorb, especially after they almost…… Gaara turned bright red.
So Sasuke had… feelings for him, in an "I wanna be your boyfriend" kind of way. It would explain his behavior and his words, and now that Gaara thought about it, it could almost fit why he did what he did. But there was something missing. Sasuke wouldn't just sacrifice himself for someone he wanted to have a fling with. With Sasuke's past, and just knowing his general personality, Sasuke would have to feel more. Sasuke's feelings, in order to put himself in the way of danger to save someone else, would have to be as deep and true as the ocean.
Love.
Gaara stopped thinking. He nearly stopped breathing, and his body went numb.
It was the only logical conclusion. It was the only way that Sasuke would do something like that. There was no other explanation. It had to be… love…
Gaara's hand came up to his forehead without him thinking, and he caressed the tattoo there. He had gotten the damn thing at some point during his long stay in juvie. Love was on his forehead, and at the time Gaara had thought that it was the only time he would receive love. How ironic that it would be on his mind now. The answer was on his forehead the whole time.
But for all of Gaara's thinking, he hadn't found out why he was the way he was. He had only answered the question "why?" So what was he feeling?
The queasy-ness, the constricting of his chest, the confusion racing through his emotions… what did that mean? And then it hit Gaara like a stone. His heart had… fluttered when he had figured out that Sasuke loved him. That queasy feeling was a good sort of queasy, and Gaara just wanted Sasuke fine and by his side again.
Gaara twitched.
Great… now he was in… love with that dimwit who threw himself in front of his father's murderous rage. He would certainly die if Sasuke did. Gaara clenched a hand over his heart at that thought. Alright… Sasuke wasn't going to die. He was going to be fine. And then he and Gaara would run off and buy an apartment, get a dog and have 2.5 kids… Alright, sarcasm doesn't work on emotions. The more Gaara thought about it, the more he realized he actually wanted that.
"Great… just great…" Gaara muttered, hanging his head in shame.
"What was that little bro?" Kankuro said from his seat next to Gaara. Gaara just looked at his brother from the corners of his wide eyes, clearly not knowing that his brother was there.
"I just came in a couple of minutes ago, but you were staring into space. Looked like you were pondering the meaning of the universe or something," Kankuro said. Gaara just narrowed his eyes at his brother.
"But anyway… I came here to see how you're doing," Kankuro said. Gaara tried to shrug, but couldn't really move, still tied down. Kankuro smirked at him.
"Oh… I could so torture you right now and get away with it," he said. Gaara started to twitched. Kankuro just laughed.
"Go away if you're going to be a prick," Gaara said once Kankuro calmed down. Kankuro rolled his eyes.
"And here I had thought that you would like to know how Sasuke is," he said non-chalantly and stood up, turning his back to his little brother.
"No! Wait!" Gaara shouted a bit too desperately. Kankuro turned around, grinning like a lunatic.
"Yes little brother?" he asked sweetly, causing Gaara to shudder.
"Please… tell me how he is," Gaara said quietly. Kankuro smiled and walked over to his brother's bed.
"Why don't you go see for yourself?" he said. Gaara scowled at him.
"You know I can't get out of this stupid bed! They've tied me down!" Gaara shouted, vainly struggling against his bonds.
"Ah well… I guess you can't know then," his brother said and turned to leave again. Gaara cursed under his breath.
"Wait!" he shouted again. Kankuro turned and batted his eyes.
"Yeeeeess?" he said. Gaara muttered something. "What was that?"
"… Could you untie me?" Gaara asked. Kankuro smirked again.
"I don't know Gaara…" he trailed off. Gaara shot his brother a glare.
"I'll pay you later," he stated simply. Kankuro smiled brightly and began to untie his brother's bonds. As soon as Gaara was free, he jumped from the bed. He felt a suspicious breeze on his back and turned to find that they had stuck him in one of those evil hospital gowns. Gaara scowled.
"Let me borrow some clothes," he said. Kankuro shook his head vehemently, holding his hands in front of himself.
"No way man," he said. Gaara gave his brother his most evil glare. Kankuro shivered in his boots, but didn't cave in. "I brought you clothes."
Gaara stopped glaring.
"Oh," he said. Kankuro rolled his eyes.
"Hurry up and I'll take you to him," he said. Gaara grabbed the proffered clothes and quickly pulled the black t and pants on.
Following Kankuro, Gaara started to get increasingly more nervous. He was fidgeting and twisting the end of his t-shirt. And suddenly Kankuro stopped in front of a doorway.
"He's in there," he said. Gaara nodded. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door.
Sasuke looked so pale, so deathly pale. But Gaara expected that, he had lost a lot of blood. Stepping up to the bed, Gaara grabbed a chair and pulled it next to Sasuke's bed and sat in it. Gently, he took Sasuke's hand in his own, unknowingly doing what Sasuke did for him over a week prior.
"Come back to me," Gaara whispered.
