Disclaimer: I own nothing but the circumstances.

Chapter Dedication: To obese geckos everywhere.

A/N: The inspiration for this came from a shirt I got at the Salvo. It says, "You know you love me!" Seamus needs that shirt. He must have it, I decided. So since I can't go to Ireland to bring the shirt to Seamus, I must have Seamus go to the Salvo and his shirt. Enjoy. Flamers will be laughed at by me and possibly agreed with by Reid.

Boredom: Great-Aunt of Invention

It was twenty-seven hours, eighteen minutes, and forty-odd seconds until the train arrived at Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters. Not that Seamus Finnegan was counting.

It wasn't so much that he wanted to go back to school. It was more that he wanted to see people. Specifically, his friends. For Seamus Finnegan was bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. He flopped down on his bed and said so.

"Gee whillikers, am I bored!" he said, in an irritating, purer-and-more-innocent-than-thou, I'm-a-cute-little-choir-boy, nineteen-fifties-stereotypical-American voice.

"Sodding hell, if that isn't the most annoying voice I have ever used…" Seamus muttered to himself, back in his sexy Irish accent, voicing the thoughts of all. He grinned. "I canna wait to use it when I get back to Hogwarts." He continued practicing.

Sixteen minutes and twenty-three seconds later, Seamus flopped back down across his bed.

"Bored. WHY MUST I BE SO BORED!" he shouted out the window. A cat threw a boot at him. He ducked and it fell onto his pillow.

"At least I have a birthday present for Granda now," he said cheerfully, picking up the boot. He closed the window, mildly regretting that he had stuck his bed right next to it. But having he odd moldy boot or half-eaten traffic cone thrown at him was a small price to pay for easy access to the outdoors.

Now if only he actually lived within walking distance of anyone other than his cousin Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan…

Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan was an ineffectual tomboy of a Mary-Sue. She tried to get everyone to call her "Trick" as a nickname. Seamus loathed his cousin with a fierce passion and avoided her as much as possible. Last year, he had succeeded in hexing her into somewhere else. She came back in June, spouting tales of hot elves and small people with hairy feet called "hobbits". Seamus shook his head. House elves were not "hot," and Great-Aunt Elmira was definitely NOT a "hobbit".

Seamus sighed. He knew he was beyond mere boredom when even ranting to his pet gecko about Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan lost its charm.

"What insane, amusing, clever, plot-worthy activity could I possibly engage in?" He asked rhetorically.

His overweight gecko ate a cricket and burped.

"Geckos don't burp…" Seamus said. The gecko, whose name was Mr. Snuggles, glared.

"This one does, pink boy!"

Seamus shrugged. "Whatever you say, Mr. Snuggles."

"For the billionth time, my name is NOT Mr. bloody Snuggles! I am Voldemort! VOLDEMORT! FEAR ME!" Seamus looked stern.

"Since you accidentally transfigured yourself into a fat gecko and Wormtail into sixty-seven pounds of mango fudge, three coconuts, and parrot, I've looked after you."

"You put me in a spelled cage so I can't turn back and you feed me crickets, French fries and apple juice. Do you know how many bloody trans fats I have bloody ingested under your bloody 'CARE'?" Seamus was lost in thought, trying to think of some entertaining activity.

"Listen up, brat. I'll give you money if you let me out of here."

"How much?" Seamus asked, suspicious. Mr. Snuggles, formerly known as Voldemort, checked his purple plastic Hello Kitty wallet for cash.

"I have thirty seven pounds, twenty-two pence, a paper clip, a piece of chewed gum, half a feather, some cookie crumbs, a-"

"Done!" Seamus interjected. The Irish boy stopped and thought. "Wait…you have to give me the stuff before I let you out."

"Fine, fine, just get me out of here!" shouted the morbidly obese gecko. "And where in Dumbledore's insane novelty Kleenex holder is that voice coming from! It's constantly insulting my slight weight increase!"

Seamus looked puzzled. "It's always been there…" He leaned in towards the gecko cage. "I think it likes me." He whispered, obviously slightly confused. "It's a voice. How can it see me? And how can a voice get a crush on me?" The former Dark wizard sighed.

"Look, kid, are you going to take the bribe and let me out or not?"

Seamus got handed the wallet and its contents and skipped down the hall because he got an epiphany.

Seamus sent his owl to all of his friends and waited for the reply. Yes, they were all at the Burrow. Dean and Neville had met up with Ron and Harry in Diagon Ally and been invited back to the Burrow for dinner and a sleepover. Perfect. Seamus dashed downstairs.

The blubbery gecko looked distraught. "OI!" the gecko called from his cage. "You promised to let me out! AND GIVE ME BACK MY WALLET!"

We leave the ex-lord sobbing pathetically and obese-ly in his cage, curled up in a corner and sniffling for his lost purple plastic Hello Kitty wallet. Let us look into the kitchen, dear readers, and see what our darling Seamus is up to.

"Ma!" Seamus called into the kitchen.

"Yes, love?" a feminine, maternal-sounding voice called back. The kitchen was shrouded in a haze of smoke.

"I've asked all me mates if they'd go out shopping at Salvation Army. Can we?"

"Sure, dear, you know where the Floo powder's kept. Just bring yer cousin, Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa. Her parents need a day off from her before we have a repeat of last week." Seamus groaned.

"Seamus! Be happy I'm letting ye go in the first place! Be back by sundown, right?" the reply came back.

"So what did Da try making this time?" Seamus inquired, lingering by the fireplace as the colored flames roared high. His mother sighed. Seamus stepped into the fire, shouting "THE BURROW". As he was whisked away, he heard his mother shout the answer.

"Cereal!"

….So? Did you love it? Did you loath it? Did it make you laugh, cry, sing, dance, recite Greek poetry! Be a darling and clickity click on that lovely review button down there and tell me what you think so far…