Two pink lines in the window indicate a pregnant result.
"Holy shit."
Those were two bold, pink lines on the plastic stick Catherine was holding.
Undoubtedly terrified, she also felt a small spark of excitement. A family of her own was something Catherine had constantly thought about when she was with Jimmy.
She quickly crushed that excitement when she realized there was no family to be had. They were no longer together, which meant she'd have to do this all on her own. The thought of that scared her to death. Not to mention the judgment she'd receive from everyone in their tight-knit Catholic community.
Still holding the pregnancy test, Catherine squeezed her eyes shut. Fat tears managed to escape and slide down her cheeks. She couldn't tell Jimmy, not until she was sure she was pregnant. Under no circumstance would she even tell her father and brothers, as O'Toole men tended to do a lot of their talking with their fists and she was afraid of what they'd do to Jimmy.
The first thing she knew she had to do was schedule a doctor's appointment, then worry about what the next steps would be.
Downstairs, she heard the front door open and slam shut. Patrick was home early. Drying her eyes and wiping her nose, Catherine quickly pulled herself together.
A small panic engulfed her as she scrambled to gather the box the test came in, the instructions, and the stick. She shoved them into the bag from the pharmacy in Newry, before finishing up in the bathroom. Once she had the evidence of her carelessness hidden with her bras and panties, Catherine dressed.
"Catherine?" Patrick called out from the bottom of the stairs. "Ya home?"
She jogged down the hall to the stairs, where she watched his smile widened when he saw Catherine was finally back. He was hoping to keep her around for a while, ready for the dust to settle. Ascending down the stairs, Catherine wasted no time in hugging him.
"Darragh dropped me off about an hour ago. How was work?"
Patrick was never good at sharing much about his day. A habit that had carried over from when he had been involved full-time in the IRA. The question always popped regardless, as Catherine just wanted to make genuine conversation with her father. By the way he was dressed, she could tell it wasn't the shipyard where he had spent his hours, so she expected the usual vague answers.
"It was smooth. Are ya still not feelin' well?"
His tone softened, going warm and gentle. Catherine nearly melted when Patrick placed the back of his hand on her forehead, checking to see whether or not she had a fever. Her heart was screaming at her to just come out and tell Patrick that she was most likely pregnant. She knew he'd be upset at first, but then he'd come around to the idea of becoming a grandfather for the second time. Thankfully her brain was in charge, as she didn't want to cause issues just yet.
"I took a bubble bath so I'm still a wee bit over-heated." She always hated lying to Patrick. "Go wash up, I'm gonna get dinner started."
He nodded, moving past Catherine on the stairs so he could go shower. As Catherine started to make her way through the living room to the kitchen, he called out her name to get her attention.
"It's brilliant havin' ya back here. Your Ma an' I have missed ya."
Catherine smiled. "Believe me, I'm glad to be back too."
Getting an appointment at the Royal Victoria took Catherine nearly a week. For six long days, she kept to herself, agonizing over the future. She avoided contact with most people, except for Patrick and Darragh. Not wanting to do it alone, Catherine had wished Olivia was home to go with her, but her absence ended up being a blessing. Her mother hadn't the slightest clue on how to keep news and gossip to herself.
"When was your last period?" Doctor Gallagher inquired.
Catherine could feel her cheeks start to burn with embarrassment. She had never been good at keeping track of those dates, as her body never exactly ran like clockwork. The paper crinkled beneath her as she shifted on the examination table. Catherine closed one eye and thought hard.
"I haven't the slight clue. Life's been a wee stressful so I just figured I was late because of that."
The doctor raised her eyebrows as a small, amused smile ghosted over her lips. "Would ya say it's been longer than six weeks?"
"Aye."
Jotting down notes into Catherine's chart, she didn't bother looking up.
"Today, we'll take some blood, and schedule an ultrasound. We'll be able to give ya a better estimate on how far along you are from the ultrasound."
Thankfully there were too many emotions running through her for Catherine to pay attention to the blood draw. She was more scared than anything, mainly about the scrutiny. She was also worried that Jimmy would exile her from Belfast to the Republic, so he wouldn't have to deal with the backlash either. Wondering how Fiona would react wasn't even something she could begin to think about.
And Darragh. She couldn't blame him for not wanting to explore the possibility of a relationship with her, as she couldn't expect him to take responsibility for Jimmy's baby.
"The results should be in tomorrow, so we'll give ya a call the moment we know. Why don't we go ahead and schedule an ultrasound for Thursday, then? You're more than welcome to bring your husband."
She froze. Sooner or later it was bound to come up. Catherine didn't feel as though she had anything to be ashamed of.
"I'm not married."
"Oh." There was a hint of judgment in Doctor Gallagher's voice. "Bring the boyfriend."
Get me the fuck out of here, Catherine thought. She didn't have the mental or emotional strength to explain that there wasn't a boyfriend either. Pursing her lips, Catherine summoned her best fake smile.
After her appointment, Catherine took a detour on her way home. Crossing the bridge into east Belfast, she found herself sitting in her car across the street from St. Matt's. Being back in the Short Strand was slightly surreal, admitting that there was a part of her that did miss it.
Stepping out of the car, Catherine locked it and pulled her rosary from her bag while crossing the road. She wasn't exactly sure how long it had been since she last attended Mass. Considering her current plight, she couldn't think of anywhere else to go. Father Ashby had always been there to offer guidance when she needed it, and she needed it now more than ever.
Inside the church, Catherine slid into a pew near the back. There were others scattered about the sanctuary in silent prayer, so she lowered the kneeler as quietly as possible. Once she was settled, Catherine humbly lowered her head and clenched the pink beads. For the first time in years, she prayed the Rosary, not just once, but three times. She prayed for the strength to move on with her life, to keep her head held high, and most importantly, a healthy and happy pregnancy. Catherine prayed for Jimmy and Patrick to take the news with grace, as well as for everyone close to her whose lives would be impacted.
There was one person in this entire mess who Catherine found herself thinking about the most. Kerrianne. She knew the eleven-year-old struggled enough with the dysfunction of her home life, so there was no saying how she would react to the news that her quasi-stepfather had fathered a love child.
A small part of Catherine was hopeful. Never in her life had she met a man as broken as Jimmy and it utterly killed her to watch him spiral out of control. She remembered the glint of joy that had shined in Jimmy's eye the only time they spoke of having a child. He had always wanted one of his own, longing to feel that bond which was missing in his relationship with Kerrianne. Catherine wondered if this baby would bring back the humanity that Jimmy had lost over the years.
"What's troublin' ya, Catherine?"
She stopped mouthing her prayer when the voice of Father Kellan Ashby rang out beside her. He offered his hand for help as she rose from her knees, sitting beside him.
"It's that obvious something's wrong, Father?" she joked.
"You've had a rough year."
Father Ashby's deep connection to the IRA made him the first person Catherine went to. She always felt confident in speaking to him as she could bare every last grievance without having to worry about lawful blowback. After her screw up, which led to the death of an innocent man, it was Father Ashby who helped to pull Catherine from her depression and make sure she didn't stray from her duties. If there was one person in this world who Catherine could tell, it was him. Not only would he keep it to himself, but he would help guide her down the right path.
"I'm pregnant, Father."
"Jimmy?" he asked.
Catherine sniffled, trying to hold back tears. "Aye."
He stayed silent for a moment, digesting the news. Catherine ending up in this situation came as an honest surprise to him. Watching her grow into herself, it always seemed as though she had a good head on her shoulders and would stay out of trouble. When he had become privy to the fact she was involved with Jimmy, Father Ashby thought she'd be smart enough not put her future in jeopardy. He knew what needed to be done.
"I can have the Council send ya to Dundalk or Donegal until you deliver. Then the wee one will be put up for adoption. We'll make sure the baby ends up in lovin' arms an' it'll be done quietly. No one has to know."
"I would know," she snapped. "I'm not givin' up my baby for adoption. Maureen has done a brilliant job with Trinity on her own. I can do it, too."
Father Ashby understood Catherine's defense, but he was thinking beyond the difficulties of being a single mother.
"Have ya thought about the repercussions of havin' Jimmy's illegitimate child?"
"Of all people, Father, you are in no position to lecture me about illegitimate children. As I recall, that lovely niece of yours is a bastard."
He wanted to tell Catherine the truth about Trinity, but he couldn't break Maureen's trust. If she could realize that Maureen had lied about her daughter's paternity to give Trinity better memories, then maybe she would have the strength to give her child something more than that. A better life, far away from the violence Catherine had devoted her life to.
"It's not just about that. Do ya want to risk raisin' a child who turns out exactly like their father?"
"I want ta raise my child in Belfast, with their biological father."
"That'll never happen," he said, matter-of-factly. "Jimmy already has a family he loves-"
"Jimmy loves me more than he will ever love Fiona and Kerrianne. I don't want to be with him, I just want him involved."
They were interrupted by Sean and Michael Casey making an appearance in the sanctuary. Father Ashby held up his index finger to them, telling the brothers he'd be with them in a moment. Standing up, he lowered his voice.
"I suggest ya ask yourself how Filip would feel if he knew it's Jimmy's before ya make a final decision. I do hope to see you at Mass on Sunday."
As Father Ashby walked down the aisle to meet the Casey brothers and escort them to the rectory, Catherine slouched in the pew. She had come to St. Matt's looking for guidance from the IRA priest, but instead she was left in a terrible fluster.
Just off the Falls on Springfield Road, Darragh was renting a room in a houseful of students from Queen's University. His roommates were none the wiser to what his day job entailed and he was pleased they never asked questions. As long as he got the rent to them on time and didn't cause any problems, they wouldn't dig into his life.
It was unusual for him to be home in the late afternoon on a Tuesday, but he was enjoying his downtime. With the other lads still in class for the day, Darragh was sprawled out on the sofa wearing nothing but his boxers, as he watched a Gaelic football match from the previous night.
There was a knock, which he fully intended to ignore until he heard it again. Muting the television, Darragh pried himself off the sofa and scuffled to the door.
The sunlight hit him right in the face and even through squinted eyes, he saw who was standing in front of him.
"If I knew this was how ya greeted your guests, I would'a started comin' over a long time ago," Catherine smirked.
She didn't even bother hiding the fact that she was gawking. The sight of his well-defined shoulders and chest, his rigid abdominals, and the dramatic v-shape of his hips left her salivating. All Catherine could imagine was licking whipped cream off his stomach, thinking how much of a dishonor it was for Darragh to keep all of that hidden underneath shirts. She cursed the fact she was twisted tighter than a knot, frustrated that she's either nauseous or horny.
Slightly bashful, Darragh redirected the conversation as he let her inside.
"To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"There's somethin' I need to talk with ya about."
Of everyone in her inner circle, Darragh was the only person who Catherine felt comfortable sharing the news with. If she kept it in any longer, she was afraid she would crack and have a complete breakdown. The strain radiating off of her was palpable for Darragh, and his thoughts instantly went to the worst-case scenario. Even he had his suspicions about Liam's possible involvement with the PSNI. He would never say it to her face though.
Leading Catherine into the kitchen, he gestured for her to sit down as he went straight to the stove to turn on the burner under the kettle.
"What's on your mind?" he asked, grabbing mugs.
Catherine placed her elbows on the table, laced her fingers, and then rested her forehead on her thumbs. She couldn't look him in the eyes as she told him. "I'm pregnant."
Hearing those two words, Darragh half-collapsed against the edge of the counter. The news hit him like a high-speed train. He had a hard time catching his breath, not simply because she was expecting a child, but because of whom she was expecting with. Catherine deserved to have the biggest and happiest family, and he was excited for her. At the same time, he was devastated she'd be forever connected to Jimmy.
When she lowered her hands from her face, Darragh snapped back to reality when he saw how upset she was. Her voice was thick and she struggled to get the words out amongst the tears.
"What am I gonna do?"
Without a second thought, Darragh dropped to his knees between her legs. He pushed the dampened strands of hair out of her face, attempting to sooth to her. He couldn't even begin to imagine how much havoc this has been ravaging on her. For the most part, Catherine had been holding up relatively fine.
Father Ashby telling her to figure out how Chibs would feel about her keeping the baby struck a nerve she didn't even know was exposed. There was no doubting she loved her uncle, but he wasn't in Belfast any more and Catherine didn't think it was fair Chibs was who she should be worried about in this instance.
"Hey." Darragh gathered Catherine's hands in his and gave them a light squeeze. "What do you wanna do?"
"Father Ashby said-"
He cut her off. "I didn't ask what Father Ashby said. I'm askin' what you want because this is your life."
"I want this baby."
She didn't even have to think about her answer. Adoption was off the table and there was no way she was going to budge. Not even Patrick or Jimmy was going to talk her out of the decision she made.
Catherine confided. "I'm terrified though. Of doin' it alone—what everyone will think."
"This city is seethin' with secrets. God knows everyone has their fair share of dirty laundry. Ya knew people would talk when ya started shaggin' Jimmy, but ya didn't care because it was somethin' you wanted. If havin' the baby is somethin' ya want, then you won't care what they have to say. Nor will ya be doin' this alone. I promise I won't let ya—I'll be right by your side every step of the way. Not to mention your parents, and brothers."
That was exactly what Catherine needed to hear. She quickly realized how silly it was that she thought she would be going through this on her own. She began wondering if she'd even tell Jimmy, let alone her family, that he was the father. It would make everything colossally easier for everyone if Jimmy was left out of the equation altogether.
Darragh melted her heart with the commitment that he would be there for her during the entire pregnancy. She couldn't ask him to do that, though. This wasn't his responsibility. If she wanted someone to be by her side, it needed to the man who partook in the action that led to this consequence.
"Ya don't need ta do that. You've enough on your hands."
"I wanna be there for you." Darragh knew Jimmy sure as hell wasn't going to step up. There was no way he could stand idly by and watch her go through a life-changing transformation. "Have ya told anyone else? Besides Father Ashby."
Catherine shook her head. "Not yet. I have an ultrasound on Thursday ta confirm it."
He committed that day to memory.
"Don't put it off. The longer ya wait ta tell your da and brothers, the more upset they'll be."
"So I guess that means waitin' to tell them until after the baby's born isn't a good idea, huh?"
Darragh chuckled. At least she still had her sense of humor, and that's all that matter to him.
Surrounded by white containers of greasy Chinese food, Catherine felt at ease with Darragh in his bed. As they ate noodles with chopsticks, the conversation flowed effortlessly. They debated over Irish, British, and American history, literature, and their musical tastes. But, it was Catherine's extensive knowledge on the Russian Revolution as well as their last Imperial Family that left him amazed, yet doleful. Spearing his chopsticks into the container of chicken chow mien, Darragh set it on his nightstand.
"Such a waste," he said.
Catherine swallowed her bite of food with a quizzical look. "What is?"
"The fact ya didn't go to university."
"Wasn't the right decision for me to go."
Darragh shook his head, not even hiding the fact he didn't believe a single word of her defense. He remembered how excited she had been after being accepted to Queen's, then—as if out of nowhere—she had lost all interest to formally continue her education. There was a gut feeling that told him who exactly played a major role in that.
"Did you come up with that on your own, or did he convince ya it wasn't the right decision."
Getting into this didn't seem fun or worthwhile for Catherine. She knew she had made a mistake in not going, and she hated being reminded of it. The armed struggle was nowhere near as active as it had been a decade ago, but somehow Jimmy had managed to convince Catherine that she should be focusing all of her time on the cause.
"Jimmy—he's a very persuasive man."
He had never come right out and told her that higher education was a waste of time. Instead, he worked a crafty scheme by captivating Catherine's interest. Letting her train with smuggled military-grade rifles, firing off mortar bombs in empty fields, and showing her how to make a variety of insincerity devices was far more exciting than sitting in a lecture hall.
"He's a manipulator," Darragh growled.
"He's an outcome engineer."
Catherine had no idea why she was defending Jimmy. Maybe because it was almost like second nature to her at this point in life. She had spent a decade vindicating his actions to other people, that she had to be conditioned not to anymore.
"Look," she started, wanting to defuse the conversation before it got heated. "Ya don't have to convince me that Jimmy is a terrible human being, because I already know that."
"Do ya, though?" he asked, unconvinced.
Catherine licked her lower lip, letting out a frustrated sigh as she watched Darragh play with the cross he wore on a chain around his neck. The fact he was still shirtless only distracted her slightly.
"I do. I understand no one believes me when I say that I'm over him, because we have such a heated and emotional connection. For a while, it was passionate and it was workin'. I was utterly in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life by his side. But, as time went on, his true colors finally came out and that's not a man who I want to be involved with. Ya don't have to believe me, Darragh, and I know I'll have to spend the rest of my life provin' that to everyone in this goddamn city."
Darragh stayed silent. Her words saturated him and he could tell she was speaking the truth. If she wasn't, Catherine would have run back to Jimmy the moment that pregnancy test turned pink. Nor would she have been so conflicted over what she should do. Other people may take her willingness to remain civil with him as a sign that she wasn't ready to let go of what they had, but that's not how Darragh saw it. The most mature thing she could do was remain cordial, as Jimmy had command over the entire Brigade. Catherine wasn't trying to tank his reputation or keep him from moving up in the ranks—she just wanted to move on with her life.
When Catherine didn't get a response from him, she felt slightly stupid. She had a hard enough time opening up, so when it wasn't met with reciprocity she shut down even more. Placing her container of food beside Darragh's, she looked at her watch. It was nearly eleven o'clock; she had been there for almost eight hours now.
"I should be headin' home. I start surveillance on Shane Carrigan in the mornin'. Thanks, for dinner-"
As Catherine hopped off the bed to start gathering her shoes and bag, Darragh grabbed her wrist, just as she had done to him a week prior. He'd forever regret it if he didn't at least ask:
"Stay with me tonight?"
Looking down at Darragh's fingers gently wrapped around her wrist, Catherine slowly blinked. She listened closely for that voice in the back of her head telling her it would a disastrous move stay the night with him, but she couldn't hear it. Dropping her bag to the floor, she smiled and climbed back into his bed.
