January 2009 - Crossmaglen, Northern Ireland

Driving home after a long day of work, Dessie dreaded going back to his flat. He knew it would be quiet and empty. An overwhelming sense of loneliness always swallowed him whole for the first couple nights of being away from Catherine and the boys.

It was dark by the time he parked his car on the curb. With heavy footsteps he marched up the stairs to the third floor, shoving the key into the lock once he reached his door. Flipping on the lights, Dessie closed the door then shucked off his boots and bomber jacket.

Still in his work shirt, which was stained with smudges of grease and motor oil, the first thing he did was walk straight into the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, Dessie smiled for the first time all day. Reaching inside, he snatched a can of Killian's off the shelf. The fridge door closed on its own as he focused his attention on gently peeling off the note Catherine tapped to the can.

"One day down, four more to go," it read. "I love and miss you, a ghrá mo chroí. "

Fifty miles away and she still managed to brighten his day.

Sticking the note onto the fridge, Dessie headed into the living room. He collapsed onto the couch, propping his feet up on the table. Once he had the Celtics match on, he cracked open his beer and watched unheedingly for an hour before deciding on a shower.

Washing the day off, Dessie picked up her bottle of shampoo. Smelling it only made him miss her so much more. This sentiment of solitude was foreign to him, making him feel lousy because he never missed his daughters - Rosie and Janette - as much as he did Eamonn and Sean.

No longer reeking of the auto repair shop where he worked, Dessie trekked across the hall to his bedroom. Once in a pair of loose-fitting boxers, he was just about to head back into the kitchen to grab another beer when he noticed something laying on the floor, halfway under his bed. He picked it up.

It was a stuffed elephant.

Tossing the elephant on his bed, Dessie quickly dressed. With the animal in hand, he grabbed his jacket and keys.

Eamonn couldn't sleep without it.


Belfast, Northern Ireland

Monday nights were chaotic. Between making dinner, getting homework done, swimming lessons for the boys and a Pilates class for Catherine, she was ready for the day to be over.

Amid the anarchy and on the verge of tears, Catherine almost admitted defeat. She quickly pulled herself together, deciding against calling Dessie and begging him to make the hour drive so she wouldn't be outnumbered.

Catherine blinked back the tears brimming her eyes as Eamonn sniffled, wiping away the tears from his cheeks. She had turned the house upside down thrice over, looking for the stuffed elephant Darragh bought him long ago. Picking him up off her bed, Catherine's heart broke as she thumbed away his tears.

"I promise we'll find him. We probably forgot him as Dessie's." When Eamonn rested his cheek on her shoulder, Catherine placed her cheek on the top of his head. "Dessie should be gettin' home from work soon. I'll ask him to look for it when he calls, okay?"

"But Dessie lives so far away! How am I gonna get it back?" Tears streamed faster, his voice was strangled with worry.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, Catherine started to rock him in hopes it would be somewhat soothing. She kissed his freshly washed hair.

"I don't need ya to worry over that. If your elephant is at Dessie's, I'll make sure you have it for bedtime tomorrow."

"But what if it's not there?"

Eamonn was a perpetual worrier. Just like his dad.

She assured him, "It has to be there. That's the last place ya had him."

That answer seemed to somewhat help. His tears slowed and his breathing started to even out. Setting Eamonn back on the bed, Catherine knelt to pull a plastic bin out from under her bed. She had an idea. Taking off the lid, she dug through her old rugby and volleyball trophies, school projects, until she found what she was looking for.

Sitting next to him, she pulled Eamonn onto her lap, holding out a teddy bear that had seen much better days. He gently took it from her hands.

"This was mine when I was a wee girl. Do you wanna sleep with it tonight?" He nodded, and she kissed his forehead. "No more tears, a stoirín. I promise your elephant is at Dessie's and you'll be snuggled up with it tomorrow night. Now, it is seriously past your bedtime so let's get ya tucked in."

Catherine carried Eamonn into the bedroom he shared with his brother. The soft nightlight gave off enough of a glow so she could see the Legos and building blocks littered all over the floor.

Sean was already fast asleep in the bottom bunk. He was snoring and tangled up in the blankets, his arms tucked under the Harley-Davidson pillow that had been a gift from Brien.

Hoisting Eamonn up onto the top bunk, she helped him get under the blankets. After one last kiss from him, she kissed Sean's temple and headed downstairs.

Crisis averted.


Catherine was in the middle of starting laundry when she heard the front door open. She didn't bother looking up, thinking it was either Patrick or Brien coming over to raid her refrigerator.

"I don't have any food," she said, pouring detergent into the machine.

"Good thing that's not what I'm here for."

Her blood turned to ice when Catherine heard his voice. Turning around, she saw him standing in the doorway. Hands in the pockets of his trousers, his coat was flecked with wet spots from the rain. On his face was a neutral expression, which Catherine hadn't decided was a good or bad thing yet.

"What are ya doin' here, Jimmy?"

He nonchalantly shrugged. "Haven't seen ya in a while...figured I'd check in. Make sure everything's fine."

The last time Catherine saw or spoke to Jimmy was when he dropped Eamonn off after the holiday in Dublin nearly a month ago. None of their communication was done directly; it consisted of some freshly sworn-in kid dropping off a package or message for her to deliver. She wasn't going to complain about the mundaneness of her new gig; it kept her busy, and most importantly, away from Jimmy.

"Everythin's fine, so it is. You can leave now."

She would ask him for the key back, but she knew he'd just steal it from Fiona. Without a word, Jimmy strutted further into the kitchen and went to the cabinet above the fridge where she kept the booze. He blindly pulled out a bottle of Powers whiskey. That was Dessie's.

Unscrewing the cap, Jimmy tossed it on the counter before grabbing two glasses.

"Make yourself at home," she said sarcastically.

Sitting down at the table with the whiskey and glasses, Jimmy poured each of them a generous amount. "Shut your gob and come have a drink with me."

Drumming her fingers on her hip bones, Catherine thought about all the possible ways this could end. They were either going to end up fighting or fucking and neither of those options sounded appealing.

"Ya need to leave, Jimmy. Dessie wouldn't appreciate ya bein' here when he isn't."

"I don't see Dessie around, do you?" he jeered, bringing the glass to his mouth for a nip. "It's business, not pleasure, anyways. Ya missed a meetin' this past weekend so there's shite I gotta talk to you about."

Reluctantly, Catherine gave in. When Jimmy called a last-minute meeting Friday night when she was already in Crossmaglen, Dessie convinced her to skip it. Initially, her decision had caused some fireworks but eventually, Jimmy got over himself as usual. She sank into the chair adjacent to Jimmy, immediately picking up the glass of whiskey. After she drank nearly half of it, he handed her the cigarette he lit.

"How do ya think the merger is workin'?"

"It's a bleedin' disaster, so it is. RAAD already killed two Belfast men! True army didn't even know 'em to be drug dealers, Jimmy. I don't give a shite if we're a unified structure, those Derry bastards need to understand Belfast is off-limits - we will deal with what happens here."

Jimmy took the cigarette back. "I know they're causin' problems. I was out there at the beginning of last week puttin' an end to it. Anytime they want to conduct business in Belfast, they know to get approval first."

"Who did ya chose to replace me?"

"Seamus Doherty."

Catherine licked her lips and sighed. "Doherty is a fine choice."

It was bittersweet for her to learn Seamus was now the third highest-ranking officer in the army. She knew he deserved it and she was genuinely happy for him. She just couldn't wait until she was back in officer status. If she kept her track-record clean for a year, Dessie promised he'd make her his second lieutenant, taking over as operations officer for Kieran. Once ONH was fully operational, Dessie agreed to let Kieran take over the training of recruits.

"There's somethin' else I need to talk with ya about."

"Uh oh," she breathed.

"Uh oh, indeed," he said, crushing the cigarette. Jimmy wasn't exactly sure how to bring it up without pushing her further into the open arms of the south Armagh crew.

They were a small tightknit brigade who hardly accepted newcomers. Those who joined were either legacy recruits or heavily vetted youngsters. Catherine felt honored she had been asked to join in the first place.

"The request you submitted to be part of the shipments in Dublin, I have to deny it."

Reaching for her glass, Catherine tossed back the rest of her whiskey. "Why? There's absolutely no bloody reason for you to do that."

"They have all the man-power they need down there. Dessie's been doin' it for a while now without ya, he'll survive. The Russian stock on top of what we're gonna be bringin' in from Jabalia, and potentially Slovakia, I need you here to help move it."

"Next month you'll be doublin' Dessie's stock, too. We were runnin' the numbers and he's gonna need help."

"And he will get help. Just not from you."

"Fuckin' bullshit," she mumbled under her breath.

"What was that?"

Catherine looked Jimmy in the eye, her expression turning cold. "I said it's fuckin' bullshit."

Jimmy leaned back in his chair, swallowing his fury. He wanted to reach across the table and grab her by the neck, a small reminder of her place. Who the fuck did she think she was talking to him like that? He was her superior officer - he had the final say and she was to respect his authority.

"You're spendin' too much time in Cross; it's fuckin' with your head and leavin' ya confused on how things are run in Belfast. I don't want you goin' down there anymore. I need ya up here with a clear mind, ready to work."

Catherine lit a cigarette and took a long drag. She blew out a steady stream of smoke, choosing her next words very carefully.

"I don't want anythin' to do with the guns anymore. SAMCROs got ATF all over 'em right now. Feds start diggin' into who their supplier is, it could be really bad for us."

"You worry too much," Jimmy mocked, pouring her more whiskey.

She raised her blonde eyebrows. "And you don't?"

Exactly, Catherine thought as he didn't answer.

As much as it pained Catherine to accept her fate, she realized she wasn't going to be getting away from the gun trade any time soon. She should have known better than to think Jimmy would so easily let her walk away.

"For as long as ATF is sniffin' around SAMCRO, we need to be smart and change our pattern," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"Change the days our shipments come in. Change the route and crew. For all we know, ATF's already flagged a possible connection and we've got MI5 up our arses, quietly watchin'."

Jimmy smiled mildly. He reached out and slid his fingers through the soft waves of her hair. She was always half a step behind him, always on the same page. They were a team. And she wants to throw away her life in Belfast for a man she thinks she loves.

"What are ya waitin' for, then?" Jimmy tossed back the rest of his whiskey and got up to take off his raincoat and suit jacket. "Get a map and let's figure out a new route to and from Dungloe. I'll see what I can do about bringin' the shipment in on a different day, and we'll alternate crews."

Catherine dropped the cigarette in the ashtray and shook her head. Her gut was telling her this was a bad idea. "Not tonight, it's late and I'm tired."

"I haven't seen Eamonn in nearly a month so if you do this for me, I'll take him and Sean to school in the morn' to let you sleep."

She knew exactly what he was alluding to. "You're not stayin' the night; not even on the couch. Dessie would have a shitfit if he knew ya were here right now."

Jimmy crossed his arms over his chest. He didn't appreciate Dessie coming in and pushing him out of Catherine's life. He's been there for her for nearly thirty years now. He deserved to have the clout on what goes on with her, not some lowlife who thought he held claim after several months.

"Then I won't stay the night, but my offer still stands. Please, Catherine."

It was stupid to give in. Yet, for some reason she did.

"Fine," she groaned. "Ya need to be here by seven because you're feedin' 'em, too."

"Deal." He held out his hand for her to shake. He loved the way hers fit in his.

Getting up, Catherine grabbed her maps and spread them out on the table before getting makers and pieces of scratch paper. Jimmy refilled their glasses. When she came back to the table, he wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her down into his lap.

She tried to get up so she could occupy her chair, but he just tightened his hold on her. She wasn't going anywhere.

They dove right in, pouring over the maps to find the best route from Belfast to Dungloe. As they negotiated the complicated weave of divided highways, the motorway, and back roads, Catherine felt like she could take a breath of ease. This was the most civil conversation they've had since she was demoted in October.

She didn't care why. She just hoped it would last.

While she was scratching out the name of a road in the hills of Donegal, Jimmy brought a freshly lit cigarette to her mouth so she could take a drag.

As she spoke, smoke wafted from her mouth. "I think we should take the R250 because it'll connec-"

"What the fuck is this?"

Catherine's heart fluttered. She dropped the black marker and looked up to find Dessie standing in the doorway with Eamonn's stuffed elephant clutched tightly in his hand.