"I thought you said no talk of business, Fiona, or Dessie tonight," Catherine challenged.
With bloodshot and glassy eyes, Jimmy tried his best to contort his smile into a stern expression, but it was difficult when he remembered how earlier she pointed out the fact there were more nipples in the world than people. He ignored her question, rather breaking out into laughter when he noticed the phallic-shaped cheese dust stain on the collar of his shirt.
Catherine too started laughing, only because she couldn't take Jimmy seriously when he'd been sitting on the floor for the last half-hour elbow deep in a party size bag of Doritos.
"Kerri will kill ya if you demolish that entire package of Oreos," warned Jimmy.
"Well too bad." In her impaired state of mind, Catherine lacked the basic empathy she normally felt. "I'm sad, and sugar and chocolate are the only things that make me feel better."
"I don't think you'll find the answer to happiness at the end of a row of Oreos."
Catherine shoved an entire cookie into her mouth. "You tryin' to say I'm fat, O'Phelan?"
"Jesus Christ," he muttered, rolling the Dorito bag closed and moving from the floor to the bed. He snatched the package of cookies off Catherine's lap and took a couple out for himself. "No, I'm in no way trying to tell you you're fat. You had a baby a week ago, so I know that the belly you've got right now will be deflated soon."
Grabbing the accent pillow, Catherine whipped it at him. He caught it before it could smack him on the chest, and he playfully whacked her on the head with it.
Not wanting to give much thought about Danny, Catherine tried to move the conversation in another direction. She reached out and brushed away the Dorito crumbs clinging to his shirt.
"You're worse than Eamonn."
Knocking her hand away, Jimmy rolled his eyes. "I know I said no talk of Eamonn either, but how's he doin'? He likin' it down in Cross?"
Catherine nodded. "Aye. And he misses the shite outta you, so he does. I swear he's asked about you at least once a day since we moved."
Hearing his son missed him as much as he missed Eamonn made Jimmy feel even worse about his fractured relationship with Catherine. He was man enough to admit it was his mistakes barring him from seeing Eamonn, but he wasn't man enough to put the work in to make anything change.
"Well, I miss the shite outta him, too. And I miss you, even though you did stab me."
"Ya bloody deserved it," Catherine said.
Jimmy held up his hands defensively. "I'm not sayin' I didn't, because I know I did. That's why when I found out the lads were tryin' to wipe south Armagh off the map I put an end to it. And I convinced the Kings not to issue an exile order against you and Dessie."
"Believe it or not, I do feel bad. Bottoming out the blade was a bit excessive, I suppose."
"Ya should feel bad," Jimmy mumbled through a mouthful of Oreo. "You fuckin' hit muscle. Took nearly fifty stitches to close the wound and the antibiotics I was on knocked me on my ass for like two weeks."
Catherine furrowed her brow, slightly impressed she managed to sink the blade that deep into his leg. In the heat of the moment, she hadn't been purposefully trying to do that. All she wanted to do was incapacitate him long enough to give her a chance to escape.
Her morbid curiosity got the best of her. "Can I see it?"
"You wanna see the scar you gave me?"
Catherine nodded.
Jimmy thought for a second on whether or not he should show her. He didn't want to boost her maniacal confidence, allowing her to think she could bring him down for good if God-forbid they were to find themselves in that situation again. In retrospect, he shouldn't have said anything on the degree of how bad it had been. Rather, he should have played it off like it was nothing more than the dozens of flesh wounds he received in the past.
As she looked at him with reddened eyes and pupils the size of dinner plates, Jimmy realized he couldn't say no. Not when he knew indulging her morbid request would make her happy. All he wanted to do at this point was to make her happy.
Tossing his half-eaten cookie down on the crumb covered quilt, Jimmy hoisted off the bed. Catherine bit her lower lip as she watched his hands go right for his belt. She hyper-focused on the way his fingers curled around the leather strap as he pulled it free from the buckle and prongs. Her heart began to race the second the button came undone. When Jimmy untucked his shirt and started dropping his trousers, she went lightheaded. Not because she was uncomfortable; far from it. Watching him partially undress brought back too many fond memories that Catherine wished would vanish.
The last thing she ever wanted was to be reminded of the good times they shared. How his fingers and tongue could wreak euphoric havoc on her mind, body, and soul.
"It's pretty much completely healed."
Jimmy pulled Catherine back to reality. She shook any thought of their past out of her head and brought her attention to the scar he wore on his outer thigh. It didn't look as bad as Catherine thought it would. Not to mention it was a lot smaller than she imagined, too.
Moving to sit on the edge of the bed, she brought the tips of her fingers to it. As she grazed the puffy pink tissue, Jimmy could feel her long, oval-shaped nails softly scratch his skin. He dipped his head back and took a deep breath, thinking about what Margaret Thatcher might look like naked to keep down his inevitable erection.
It wasn't the two bands around her left ring finger keeping Jimmy from pushing Catherine onto her back and sinking five inches into her. He was smart enough to understand one week postpartum after a C-section nonetheless, it meant she was in nowhere near being physically ready for that sort of activity.
"Whoever sutured you did a good job," Catherine noted. "The first half of that blade is serrated so-"
Jimmy interrupted, "You've no idea how jagged the wound was; talk about a bitch to close. If I would have known you'd end up usin' the goddamn thing on me, I would've gotten you a straight blade instead."
At least he's making jokes, Catherine thought. That's a good sign.
Leaning back on her elbows, she swallowed the guilt that has been eating away at her since it happened.
"You know I am sorry for what I did."
Dessie once told her to never apologize; Jimmy deserves everything he has coming. That included Catherine finally standing up for herself. He also told her she shouldn't waste a second of her time feeling sorry for a man who didn't feel the slightest bit contrite after leaving Dessie's face mutilated. While she wholeheartedly agreed, she couldn't tell Dessie that to some degree he was wrong – she should feel remorse.
There was a major difference between her and Jimmy. What separated Catherine from being labeled with the same monstrous reputation Jimmy wore with pride, was the fact that unlike him, she felt empathy. If the day were to come where she no longer possessed sympathy for the sins she committed, she'd rather put an end to her life than see her destruction ruin those around her.
Jimmy re-tucked his shirt and buckled his belt again. He wasn't exactly sure what to say to her. What made this entire situation an absolute cluster-fuck was his inability to wholly hate Catherine. He wouldn't be too hard on himself – seeing as to how he was still capable of loving at least two people meant perhaps, he wasn't a complete sociopath after all.
"I know you are." Jimmy sat on the bed next to her, placing his hand on her knee. Her gaze darted between his eyes and his hand. Every time she looked at him, he saw the fresh, faint scar across the bridge of her nose and it killed him to know it hadn't been put there by Patrick or Dessie. "It's…it's water under the bridge, okay?"
She nodded.
"Are you really happy with ONH?" he asked. "Like genuinely; are you happy?"
"I am. Why do you ask?"
He shrugged. "It just seems to me you've been lettin' people put the wrong ideas in your head, a chuisle. They're tryin' to make enemies outta you and me – trying to make you believe that just because we're part of two different organizations, we're not on the same team anymore. Don't you ever forget that we are. No matter what Dessie, your da, or even Filip says, we have to be united in our fight."
"What are you gettin' to?"
"I want you back in the True army-"
"No," she asserted, standing up. "I'm not comin' back. Not when I'm sittin' on the council of ONH and the Kings are still in charge."
"Why did Dessie remove you as his adjutant?"
Jimmy watched the color drain from Catherine's face. Very few people outside of the ONH leadership circle was privy to their inner workings. The smug smirk he gave her made Catherine's stomach twist.
She stammered, "How-how do you know about that?"
Standing, Jimmy closed the space between them. He crossed his arms over his chest, a clear attempt to assert his dominance despite Catherine technically having a higher rank than he would probably ever achieve.
"When are you gonna learn nothin' happens in the six counties without me knowin' about it?"
You didn't know Dessie and I were plotting against you, she thought.
But if Jimmy knew what was being said and what changes were being made behind closed doors, Catherine worried he wasn't the only one.
"Who bloody told you?"
"Rory," he said. "After Dessie was arrested last month, he came to me. Offered to exchange ONH intelligence for protection and documents so he can get out of here."
Catherine went dizzy with fury. "I swear to God, Jimmy, if you gave him safe-passage outta Ireland, you can fuckin' forget about a meetin' with Dessie-"
"Mother'a Christ," Jimmy callously bellowed. "Don't be so quick to get your knickers in a knot there, Catherine. Do you think I'd give him a passport? Bollocks. Besides our fondness of your stubborn ass, the only other thing Dessie and I have in common is a dislike for touts. Rory's safe and warm at a house over the border. He thinks we're gettin' him all the documents. I was gonna have my crew handle him, but I'm willing to include him in a deal with Dessie."
"Were you even gonna tell us he's slippin' you our intel?"
Jimmy sat down on the edge of the bed and picked up the half-smoked joint from the ashtray. He lit it and took a drag, offering it to Catherine. She declined.
"Nope."
"You're a real fuckin' bastard, ya know that?"
"Aye. Fiona reminds me every day." He took another drag. "I have no idea why Dessie bumped you as adjutant for Kieran, and honestly I don't give a shite. But, what I do know is that you've earned adjutant. So here's my offer – if you come back to the True army, the position is yours. Things aren't gonna work in the long run with Donny; I need someone who knows how I think."
Catherine had no intention of taking the job, she just wanted to know his motivation behind bringing her back.
"Give me one good reason why I should come back as your adjutant."
"Because we still love each other and together we can lead an unstoppable army."
Catherine's eyes fluttered, uninvited tears slipping down her cheeks.
"I don't love you, Jimmy."
Hearing her say those words hurt more than any stab or gunshot wound ever would. Swallowing hard, Jimmy set the joint back in the ashtray.
"You do, a chuisle. If you didn't, you never would've come here tonight. You knew Fiona and Kerrianne are gone for the weekend. You easily could've gone to your parents or even your brother's flat, but you chose to come here because you wanted to see me."
Catherine repeated, "I don't love you. Just let me go, please."
"Just let you go?" he roared, jumping to his feet. "I kept my distance when you made it abundantly clear you wanted a sexual relationship with me, but you chased me around like I was the goddamn Beatles for seven months until I finally cracked! I never wanted anything between us to get as far as it did. You pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and yeah, eventually I fell so fucking hard in love with you that nothin' bloody made sense to me anymore. After eight years of being in a relationship, you just woke up one morn' and decided you don't love me anymore. That didn't happen to me, Catherine. So no, I can't just let you go."
"I didn't wake up one mornin' and decide I wasn't gonna love you anymore! I poured every morsel of love and energy I had into makin' our relationship work. I accepted the fact you're never gonna leave Fiona. I was fine being the mistress because at least then I had a piece of you. But after what happened in Cali, I broke. I refuse to be the human-sandbag for you to take your frustrations out on."
"What do you fuckin' want from me? What do you want me to do to prove I won't do that shite to you anymore?"
"I don't want you to do anything! I grew up and realized you're never gonna change. You tell me that you will, but the second somethin' happens you don't like, you lose your temper! I don't deserve to be treated like shite, and I can't trust you won't take it out on Eamonn, too."
Jimmy pointed his index finger at Catherine. "I'll never hit my son."
"But you have no problem hittin' the mother of your son, huh," she scoffed. Looking at her watch, Catherine couldn't believe it was after midnight. "It's late and all we're doin' is beating a dead horse by keepin' this conversation going. I'm gonna head out."
Jimmy followed Catherine out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
"You're not drivin' back to Cross when you're baked," Jimmy asserted. "Crash in Kerri's bed for the night."
At the front door, Catherine slipped on her sneakers.
"I'm not goin' back to Cross," she lied. "I'm gonna walk over to Brien's and sleep there."
As she walked into the kitchen to slip out the back door, he still followed her.
"Let me at least walk with you so I know you get there safe."
Irritated enough with Jimmy, the last thing Catherine wanted right now was to spend more time with him.
"I lived in the Short Strand, remember? I think I can manage. Goodnight, Jimmy."
When Catherine grabbed the doorknob, Jimmy acted quickly. She may have thought their conversation was over, but he still had a lot more to say. Reaching out, he captured her wrist to pry her hand off the knob.
"Let go of my wrist, seriously. I'm sore and I'm tired. I don't wanna play games with you."
"Hear me out," he pleaded.
"Fine," she said, and Jimmy dropped her wrist.
Catherine was sure the only reason she stayed relaxed was because of the joint. Letting go of the doorknob, she was taken by surprise when he pushed her against the wall. Any other time she would have been a panicking mess, but she told herself so long as she stayed calm, so would he.
When she didn't fight back, Jimmy dipped his head and captured her lips in a tender kiss. Catherine's eyes fluttered and closed, her hands darting straight for his sides. She curled her fingers into his shirt at the same time he pulled her in closer.
It was satisfying for Jimmy to feel her utterly melt into him. Resentment and hatred towards one another often wedged them apart, but he felt ten-feet tall seeing he still had the same effect on her after all these years.
'Dessie who?' he laughed in his head, gently slipping his tongue past her lips. The kiss tasted of her salty tears and the deep-seated affection which hadn't faded in the slightest.
The moment Jimmy's tongue brushed against hers, Catherine began screaming to herself to pull away, run, and never look back. Yet for some reason, she couldn't. The claws of their vicious love affair were sinking deep into her heart and brain, draining every ounce of common decency and sense.
Catherine hated Jimmy for the way he amorously kissed her, making her feel like they were the only two people existing on Earth. He was gentle with her, bringing Catherine back to the fateful Christmas Day over a decade ago when she lost her virginity to him.
Jimmy quickly caught on to the fact he wasn't the only one feeling the white-hot flame of their torrid romance rekindling. There was too much history between them for Jimmy to allow Catherine to just walk away from him again. He promised himself he would fight harder for her this time; force her to see he was the superior choice over Dessie.
Pulling away, he rested his forehead against hers and brushed the tip of his nose along the bridge of her nose.
"Stay the night with me, Catherine," he whispered. "Make me the happiest man alive and let me fall asleep with you in my arms."
Those words broke her. The reality of what just happened slapped her hard across the face. She shook her head, a fresh round of tears vehemently bursting from her eyes.
"I can't," she croaked.
He hated how distraught she sounded.
"Why not? Why can't you?"
Placing her hands on Jimmy's chest, Catherine shoved him back to put desperately needed space between them.
"I can't because I married Dessie. I fall asleep in his arms now and forever, not yours anymore and you know that."
Jimmy clenched his teeth so hard Catherine could see the muscles in his jaw flexing. She hit an exposed nerve without realizing it.
He snapped, "If you go home tonight, is he gonna be there waiting for you in bed? Or are you gonna crawl in alone and cry yourself to sleep while clutching his pillow?"
"That's not fair," she shouted back. "I told you exactly why Dessie is in Forkhill. Every relationship has its share of ups and downs. We love each other so much that we know we just have to wait out the downs because the ups are so worth it to us."
He stayed quiet. Watching his eyes grow wickedly dark made Catherine crawl out of her skin with anxiety.
"You think Dessie loves you as much as you love him?" he taunted, moving closer. Catherine wanted to scream when she saw she was cornered between him and the wall. "The first night you're home from the hospital after having been there for ten days, he fuckin' bolted because he didn't wanna fight. We fought all the goddamn time, but neither one of us never left in the middle of an argument because we knew it was worth it."
"I know he loves me as much as I love him. You and I both know Dessie never walks away from a fight. Him staying in Forkhill has nothin' to do with how we feel about each other. He was taking care of everything while I was in the hospital, and then I came home and dropped the mother-of-all-bombs on him. He's stressed; he needs space to decompress and just fuckin' process what's happened."
"Stop defending him! A real man never would've left his wife to crawl into a bottle while she's dealin' with the shite you are."
Catherine balled her hands into fists, trying to hold down the bubbling anger threatening to explode.
"I will never stop defending Dessie," she snarled. "He's done nothin' wrong here."
Her tone was far too calm, making Jimmy uncomfortable. He quickly glanced around the kitchen, making sure there was nothing within her arms reach she could use to stab him.
"I love you so much." Jimmy drove his fingers into her hair, pressing his forehead to hers again. "I love everything about you. Your beautiful eyes, cute wee nose, and lips I could kiss all day. The way you tap the pen to your nose when you're doin' the crossword in the Telegraph. How you can't go to bed unless the dishes and laundry are done. And I even love how fuckin' stubborn ya are."
Catherine wanted no part of this conversation anymore. Grabbing his wrists, she tried to push him away but this time he wouldn't budge.
"You were an amazing girlfriend to me, and you're a wonderful mother to our son. You have no idea how big your heart is and I know you still have so much love left to give to me, even though I don't deserve it."
"Please just let me go," she begged, tears now streaming uncontrollably. "I married Dessie because I love him. I don't love you anymore."
Gripping the roots of her hair a little tighter, Jimmy snared, "Stop saying you don't love me anymore when we both know it's a lie!"
His tone turning defiant told Catherine she needed to gain control before things took a turn. Cupping his cheeks in her hands, she brushed her lips against his and then kissed him.
She knew there was nothing right about what she was doing, but her only goal was making it out of there unscathed.
Breaking the kiss, Catherine ignored the sudden wave of nausea.
"I have to go, Jimmy," she whispered. "It'll be trouble for both of us if the wrong person sees me leavin' here. Dessie has eyes everywhere, too."
Untangling his fingers from her hair, Jimmy took Catherine's hand and kissed her knuckles. "Can I see you again? And Eamonn?"
Now she thought she was going to be sick.
Apprehensive, Catherine nodded.
"Thank you." He kissed her forehead before stepping back. "Let Dessie know I'll give him a bell either Sunday night or Monday morn' with a date for us to meet."
Arriving at the farmhouse in Forkhill, Catherine was surprised to find all the lights on inside. Dropping her purse and keys on the couch, she headed into the kitchen. Dessie's gym bag was on the counter, and by how the floor was rumbling and quaking under her feet she knew exactly what he was up to.
Rummaging through his bag, Catherine found his blender bottle along with the half dozen containers of powdered supplements he added to his protein. She mixed him up a shake and headed down into the basement.
As suspected, she found him in a back corner, passed the folding tables littered with empty coffee jars, rusty nails, and canvas bags of fertilizer, going to town on the Everlast heavy-bag suspended from the ceiling. He was in the zone, undoubtedly pretending his opponent was Jimmy, not a punching bag.
Catherine held the blender bottle in both of her hands, smiling as she watched Dessie match his footwork and jabs to the fast-paced beat of the blaring Metallica. He was shirtless, wearing only shorts and sneakers. Under the lights, she could see the glistening sheen of sweat covering his tattooed skin. Jimmy was nowhere near her mind as she watched the muscles in his back ripple with every punch he threw.
When Dessie worked his way around the bag, he nearly had a heart attack after looking up to see he was no longer alone. Catherine was the last person he expected to show up, considering he majorly fucked by leaving when he shouldn't have.
Dessie had driven less than a mile outside of Crossmaglen when he realized he was making a mistake. But he was just as stubborn as Catherine so there was no way in hell he could go back after making such a show about spending the weekend away from her. He planned to go home in the morning, not without flowers because he had an inkling she was beyond angry with him.
The weight of the world seemed to float off his shoulders at the sight of Catherine standing there. Seeing how she mixed him a chocolate protein shake made him feel like even more of an ass.
Unsure of what to say exactly, he said the first thing that came to mind, "You scared the shite outta me."
"I made you a shake," she said over the music, holding it out. "But if you're not done, I can put it in the fridge. Don't feel like you have to stop just because I'm here…I can leave if you want me to."
Now that his physical exhaustion matched how he felt emotionally and mentally, he was ready to call it a night. Using his teeth, Dessie peeled back the Velcro strap around his right wrist so he could free his hand from the glove. He tossed it to the ground and quickly took off the other one before turning off the music.
Trekking over to Catherine, he accepted the shake she held out to him. He mixed it for a second and popped the lid, stopping before he took the first sip.
"Don't worry, I'm not trying to poison you."
The corner of Dessie's mouth curled into a smirk. "That's exactly what I'd expect you to say if you were tryin' to poison me."
"I promise I didn't substitute the creatine for cyanide, but I did squeeze in some chocolate sauce to try and cover the BCAAs because I know those taste god-awful."
That was good enough for him.
As he started chugging the less than appetizing concoction, Dessie wasn't blind to Catherine's eyes scanning up and down his body.
"Like what ya see, O'Toole?"
Catherine's cheeks instantly turned red from having been called out on her unsuccessful attempt to be sly while gawking. With at least five weeks to go until she'd likely be cleared to resume in their active sex life, the view of Dessie half-naked, sweaty, and breathing heavily made Catherine want to rip her hair out in sexual frustration.
"Maybe," she crooned.
With his free hand, Dessie grabbed her hip to pull her closer. He kissed her long and slow, leaving no corner of her mouth unexplored. She savored the bitter chocolatey taste lingering on his tongue, preferring it far more to the flavor of Jimmy.
His voice dripping with burning lust, Dessie asked, "Is it too soon to put another baby in you?"
"Don't tease me," Catherine whined, running her fingers through his damp hair. "If I could have a litter of wee Dessie's, I would."
Dessie cheekily smiled, patting and squeezing her ass. "Come shower with me. I'm sure we can find a way to put that beautiful mouth of yours to good use."
