Chapter 2 – A Time to Grieve
Author's Note: In which Obi-Wan talks to Padme and Ahsoka. :')
~ Amina Gila
From the moment that Obi-Wan finally accepted that Anakin was probably, in fact, dead, he had dreaded his eventual conversation with Padme. It was never a secret that they had some sort of relationship and knowing how deeply they love each other – it's so obvious every time they looked at each other – it will be incredibly painful for her to learn that he's truly gone.
Obi-Wan takes a slow breath to bolster himself as he rings the doorbell outside Padme's apartment. It's not even been a full day yet since he heard the news, and only two since the Invisible Hand crashed on Coruscant. He's hardly had time to process his grief and pain – he should have done something differently; maybe if he had, Anakin wouldn't have been trapped on the Star Destroyer facing Dooku – and now, he'll have to deal with Padme's reaction too.
Threepio lets him in, and he walks to the living room where Padme is waiting. She's standing at the window, early morning light streaming in, and when she turns, he can see the barely masked concern on her face. "Master Kenobi, it's good to see you," she greets him with a smile. "Somehow I doubt you're here on a friendly visit. It's about the Invisible Hand, I presume?"
He nods. "Yes," he agrees, swallowing a lump in his throat. "Yes, it is."
"What happened?" she asks, a faint hint of fear echoing into the Force.
"We lost," Obi-Wan tells her numbly. "I don't know if it was intentional or not, but we were unable to capture or kill Dooku before the ship crashed." A wave of grief crashes over him again, and he looks away from her, moving to stare out the window, unable to watch her when he tells her what happened. "I'm sorry, Padme," he says quietly, "But as far as we know, Anakin is dead. I know you and he were close."
He can feel her shock, pain, and grief echoing into the Force, and he winces, turning towards her. "Are you certain?" she whispers shakily.
"I can't feel him anymore," Obi-Wan replies. "I – yes, I believe he's dead." It hurts so much to say that, because it forces him to acknowledge the news he's been trying to hide from ever since yesterday afternoon. He doesn't know how he'll go on when Anakin is gone, just like that. It's as though everything in his life has revolved around Anakin for the past thirteen years, and he doesn't – he can't adjust to a life where Anakin isn't there. He doesn't even know how.
"Oh," Padme murmurs faintly, sinking onto the couch. She's visibly trembling, and Obi-Wan can feel her struggling to gain control over herself. "We were married," she finally confesses, covering her face with her hands.
He hesitates for only a moment before moving to sit next to her, offering her his silent comfort. Despite his grief, Obi-Wan feels the faintest flare of amusement. Of course, they were married. Leave it to Anakin to marry secretly in the midst of a war. If only his – his brother had trusted him with the truth. He would have protected them – he did actually, never discussing his suspicions with the rest of the Council, not that they didn't suspect anyways.
"I... he didn't even know," Padme's voice is so quiet that Obi-Wan can hardly hear her. He thinks she's crying, but he can't tell for sure. "I'm – I'm pregnant, and he never knew." She's definitely in tears now.
Her words send a jolt through Obi-Wan, and he slowly breathes in, trying to maintain a façade of control. He has no idea how she must be feeling now, and frankly, he doesn't know how he feels with the news. Anakin is dead, and his child will never get to know the kind of person he was. He would have been a wonderful father, Obi-Wan knows it. He was always good with the younglings, and it sometimes surprised Obi-Wan with how gentle and considerate he was of them and their feelings.
Slowly, Obi-Wan rests a hand on Padme's shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he repeats in a hushed voice, unsure how else to offer comfort. She's a widow now, her dreams of the future – whatever they might have been – stolen long before they could ever be realized. "I'm not him, but I'll help you and your child however I can," he promises. There's nothing more he can offer her, except his presence.
He intends to do right by his brother's widow, even if it means leaving the Order to help her with the child, his niece or nephew. Anakin should have been here. He should have survived instead of Obi-Wan, and he's not ashamed to admit that he'd gladly give his life if it means Anakin could be here. He should be here with his wife and child, celebrating for the family they were building. But he's not here, and it's wrong. Is the Force punishing him for something? Obi-Wan wonders. Is he cursed? First Cesari – he hasn't thought of her in years. Then Qui-Gon, Siri, Satine, and... Anakin. He already knows that Anakin's death will the one that haunts him ceaselessly no matter what he does.
"Thank you for coming to tell me," Padme whispers finally, voice shaking. "I'm sure you have things to which you must attend."
It's her way of asking him to leave, so she can mourn privately, and Obi-Wan respects that. "Yes," he agrees, rising, "I shall take my leave, but if you need anything, don't hesitate to comm me. I'll help you, Padme. It's what Anakin would have wanted."
She nods, and he sees more tears spilling soundlessly down her cheeks before he turns away and takes his leave. He hardly knows what to do now, though going to the Council meeting which is, no doubt, scheduled for this morning is probably a good start.
**w**
They almost had Maul, but he, predictably, managed to escape again. It'll be hard to locate him again, but Ahsoka is convinced that he's after something; she doesn't know exactly what he wants, though she has every intention of finding out. When she returns to their main base, she comms Obi-Wan to appraise him of their progress along with Rex and Bo-Katan. They have scouts out searching, and everyone is on alert. The lull in the fighting won't last long.
"He mentioned a name, Darth Sidious," Ahsoka relates after finishing explaining the current situation in Sundari. She can't help but notice how weary Obi-Wan looks, his eyes oddly blank.
"Who is this Sidious?" questions Bo-Katan, helmet tucked under her arm as she watches the Jedi Master's hologram.
Obi-Wan exhales. "I do not know much, but I will share with you what the Council suspects," he tells them, stroking his beard. Watching him now, since she's no longer engrossed in detailing their situation, Ahsoka can't help but notice how he seems to be so different from when she last saw him a week ago. Her senses prickle, and the feeling of wrongness in the Force increases, though she cannot pinpoint the source. "Darth Sidious is the Sith Lord who orchestrated the Clone Wars and played both sides of it from the beginning. I first learned the name from Count Dooku, though any chance of learning more about Sidious from Dooku has been lost."
He says it with a hint of bitterness which she's never before heard from him. "Why?" Ahsoka frowns, uncertain.
"Count Dooku is dead," he answers in a clipped tone. "He was thought to have died when the Invisible Hand crashed on Coruscant. With Dooku gone, we've lost a vital link to understanding the mystery of Darth Sidious. If you can capture Maul, he may be able to provide the missing pieces to this puzzle."
She realizes suddenly that Obi-Wan and Anakin probably were on the Invisible Hand when it crashed, not to mention that, even if they weren't, there must be untold damage on Coruscant. "Are you alright, Master Obi-Wan?" she questions hesitantly.
"I'm fine," Obi-Wan replies brusquely, nearly snapping.
Ahsoka draws back slightly at his harsh tone, exchanging a worried look with Rex. The Force tells her that he's lying. "Can you send me more men?"
Obi-Wan is quiet, before he finally nods. "I think I might be able to spare some."
"What about Anakin?" Ahsoka asks, a bit too eagerly. "Maybe he can reinforce us?"
She nearly flinches at the look of raw agony that flashes over Obi-Wan's face when she says the name. "Ahsoka..." he whispers, looking at the others. "May I speak to her alone for a moment?"
Bo-Katan obliges, turning and walking away, though Rex remains in place, obviously torn between obeying and learning what happened to his general. Ahsoka's heart is pounding a little too quickly, fingers griping her upper arms tightly enough to be almost painful. She has a sudden, horrible realization of what Obi-Wan is going to say. Really, there's only one thing that could bring Obi-Wan so much pain, and she doesn't know if she can bear to hear it. Please, she thinks desperately, wildly, please no.
"He's gone, Ahsoka," Obi-Wan says gently, tone completely different from what it was only moments ago. "He was fighting Dooku when the crash happened. I was taking the Chancellor to safety."
"No," she mumbles, unable to accept the terrible truth. "You can't..." She sucks in a shaky breath, wishing desperately that she could do things differently, that she could go to the past and do something to protect Anakin. This can't be how it ends for him. He's the best Jedi she's ever known, the best in the entire Order, and how is it fair for him to die in something like a ship crash? They've crashed together endless times, but always, always he emerged relatively unscathed. Not this time.
She's never regretted anything more than she does in this moment, wishing that she hadn't left the Order. Maul would have continued to be a problem, but she would have been with Anakin. She wouldn't be forced to live with the knowledge that she treated him in a completely inexcusable manner. They will never have a later. There will never be another time for them to catch up. He was so happy to see her, she could see it in his eyes, but she rejected it in favor of focusing on the mission, because she was a coward. She wasn't sure how to treat him, how to get past the awkwardness that being separated had brought.
It's worse than when they thought Obi-Wan had died, worse than when she was framed and cast out of the Order for a crime she didn't commit. Anakin was a star, the star around which she orbited. When in the underworld of Coruscant, Ahsoka often found her thoughts drifting to him, wishing that he was with her, though she understood why he couldn't and wouldn't leave. She'd wondered what he was doing, if he was struggling on the front lines without her to watch his back, and a part of her had hoped that one day, they would be able to fight again together.
Now, all of that is meaningless. Anakin is dead. He's gone. Only now can she actually put a name to the sudden, gaping void in her mind. Their bond is gone. She can't feel it. Over time, it had weakened, but it had always been there, a small spark lurking constantly. Now, it's vanished.
She doesn't even realize that she's started crying until a tear drips onto her hand. Blinking, Ahsoka glances at Rex, seeing the heartbreak behind his stoic expression. His pain is nearly as powerful as hers. Losing a general is never easy, especially not one who is as caring and compassionate as Anakin is – was, she reminds herself.
"Ahsoka, I will be coming to Mandalore to aid you in your attempt to kill Maul," Obi-Wan says suddenly, breaking her from her thoughts. She's grateful for the distraction, though she doesn't understand why he decided to come personally.
"Thank you, Master Obi-Wan," she replies gratefully, swiping at her tears. "We'll be grateful for your assistance."
His smile is weak. "Someone has to keep you safe," he jokes, though it falls flat. "We'll be there as soon as we can," he vows before disconnecting the comm.
"I guess we had better go see what's happening," Ahsoka decides, meeting Rex's eyes again as she bottles up her pain, pushing it to the side. She wants nothing more than to break down and mourn for what she's lost, but there isn't time. Not now. From the commander's look, it's clear that he feels the same.
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