Chapter 7 – Memories

Author's Note: Enjoy the last chapter before the epilogue! :D

~ Amina Gila


They go to the main room upon Obi-Wan's suggestion. Vader isn't sure how comfortable he is with Ahsoka witnessing what's about to happen, but then again, he isn't happy with Obi-Wan being in his mind in the first place. Ahsoka's observations will be far less intrusive. Vader knows that, realistically, he doesn't have a choice. The Council is only asking because he's been compliant thus far. If he refuses, he doesn't really want to know what they'll do to him. He doesn't really have a reason to refuse though, does he?

It's not as if there's anything incriminating in his past – or is there? He – he doesn't really know if he's done anything worthy of being imprisoned. Probably not. It's not as if he would have willingly colluded with the Sith... right? Well, he doesn't know for sure, and that lack of knowledge scares him. It is possible, of course, that he won't remember anything, that his memory is permanently gone. Maybe he simply needs to relax and let Obi-Wan do whatever he needs to do. Better to let someone into his mind then have it forcibly invaded.

They sit down on the floor opposite each other, Ahsoka sitting – lounging really – on the couch, watching them. Vader tries not to let it bother him.

"Just lower your shields for me," Obi-Wan instructs, voice gentle.

Vader doesn't really... remember how to meditate, but he imitates the Jedi Master, closing his eyes and letting himself reach out into the Force. It only takes a moment before he feels Obi-Wan's presence nudging gently at a particularly strong shield, one which is covering... a bond. Vader had known, suspected, that they had a bond, but the knowledge is different than actually sensing it for himself. He hesitates for a moment, unsure, but finally does as Obi-Wan asked, pushing his thoughts and feelings behind another wall as he drops the shield to let the Jedi in.

Obi-Wan's presence is bright and warm, and so achingly familiar. Sensing him here, this close, ignites some sort of longing within Vader, a longing he doesn't really understand. But he likes the feel of them being this close, and he wants – he wants... he doesn't know exactly what it is that he wants, actually. But he remains still, keeping his thoughts tucked away as Obi-Wan searches the inside of his mind.

He feels the Jedi Master's wary apprehension before he speaks. "Something is wrong," he says, speaking directly into Vader's mind. He nudges a spot lightly, and Vader flinches, pain ricocheting through his head. Is that the source of the headaches, then? "Sorry," Obi-Wan apologizes, "But look. Maybe you can't tell but... there's damage here from the Dark Side. It's beginning to seem that Sidious may have actually done something to you. I can't get through this alone, but I suspect your memories might be blocked off here."

Vader moves closer to it, curious and more than a little cautious. He can sense, vaguely, what it is that Obi-Wan is pointing out, and it scares him. He knows that the twisted mess of darkness does not belong there. It shouldn't be in his head, and it's not his own. It was implanted here, probably by... Sidious. As much as it hurts him to admit it – why does it hurt though? It shouldn't hurt – Sidious is the most likely culprit.

"Can we remove it?" he queries, reaching out towards it and laying a metaphysical hand on it. Pain spikes up his arm as if the barrier is actively fighting against him, trying to hurt him and stop him from digging further.

"I don't know," Obi-Wan admits. "It resembles a Sith compulsion, but I suspect that... it is something else. Some sort of archaic Sith ritual perhaps."

Vader shivers involuntarily at the prospect. "I want it out," he states firmly.

Obi-Wan sends him soothing feelings through the Force. "I know you do, but we have to be cautious. I don't want to damage your mind any further." He hesitates for a moment, before continuing. "Perhaps... would you be against Ahsoka helping? Together, we might be able to remove the blockage in your mind without causing you further harm."

He wavers, uncertain. It's odd how, even in his mind, he and Obi-Wan look like they do in real life. Obi-Wan is radiating calm emotions, not betraying his own thoughts or feelings, just as he does in the physical world. Vader would expect nothing less from him. "If you think it will help," he concedes at last.

Obi-Wan nods, and Vader can feel him reaching outwards with the Force. After a moment, he senses Ahsoka's presence hovering outside his mind, on the other side of their shielded bond, silently waiting for permission to enter. Vader drops the shield, letting her inside. He feels strangely self-conscious almost with the two of them here, even if they can't see he thoughts or feel all of his emotions. It's very... intimate, and he doesn't know how much he likes it. Somehow, he doubts that he's ever had anyone in his mind like this before.

Obi-Wan briefly and succinctly explains the situation to Ahsoka, for which Vader is grateful. He doesn't think he could have done it; he doesn't even know how to explain in his own mind – well, maybe not the best phrase, but whatever – what is happening to him. Or maybe it's simply that he doesn't want to accept it. He doesn't want to accept that – that the Sith were tampering with his mind, that they willfully made him forget his past. What did they want with him? Why did they do it? Did they want him to be their mindless, loyal attack dog? Did they want to use him for his power or what? Surely, there must be other Jedi more powerful and skilled than he.

And yet... he can feel the Force so deeply and keenly, reverberating through every fiber of his being. Do others feel it the same way? He can't imagine why they wouldn't, but at the same time, he remembers what happened when he led the attack on the Temple, the way the Jedi just fell before him as if it was nothing. Maybe he is more powerful for some inconceivable reason. Is that why the Sith really captured him then?

It doesn't matter now though. What he needs to focus on is helping Obi-Wan and Ahsoka tear down the sticky, seemingly sentient Dark Side barrier in his mind. He reaches out towards it, but doesn't actually touch it, acutely remembering what happened last time. "How would we even go about removing it?" he asks apprehensively.

The two Jedi exchange looks, obviously as confused as he is. Well, that's not really helpful. "Slowly. Carefully. Patiently," Obi-Wan replies as if that answers everything. "We'll have to test it out first, see how it responds. An-" He stops talking suddenly, something flashing through his Force signature so fast that Vader can't make out what it is, and he lets out a breath. "Tell me if it starts hurting or anything, okay?"

Vader realizes, numbly, that Obi-Wan was about to call him Anakin. It's a name that is his, apparently, and it certainly seems to fit better than Vader, but it's... he doesn't so why it's shaking him so much. He doesn't understand any of what he's feeling, honestly. "Okay."

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan prod lightly at the barrier, and Vader feels the faintest twinge of pain and nothing more. It doesn't so much as twitch, and somewhere deep inside of him, he realizes that it won't work this way. There's nothing for them to grab onto, no way for them to burrow in and remove the implanted Dark Side from his mind. So, he reaches out with the Force as well, trying to follow his instincts instead of logic. It's not difficult; the Force tells him far more than logic can, especially with his mind wiped clean.

And the Force leads him away from the blockage. He follows it, letting the Jedi continue to work unsupervised. He can feel what they're doing anyways. He's led to a hollow spot, one which seems to now be an empty bond. The person it was connected to is dead now. Sidious, perhaps? Vader realizes that the darkness originated from here. It's still firmly rooted in place, but together, he thinks they might be able to remove it.

"Over here!" he calls to the other two. They come immediately, and he can acutely feel their shock and dismay. "I think I might have had a bond with Sidious," he tells them, touching the surface of the blackness staining his mind with his metaphysical hand. It seems to recoil from him, and pain simultaneously lances through his mind.

Obi-Wan and Ahsoka lean closer to inspect. "I think we can get it out from here," the Jedi Master decides finally, "If we work together. Once the root of it has been shattered, it will leave." They can only hope.

"Together then," Ahsoka declares determinedly.

And they do. They work together with an ease that Vader finds surprising; even if he would have been capable of this in the past, he wouldn't have thought it to be possible anymore, not without his memories. But it is possible, and it's happening. All three of them draw on the Force, the pure light of it a welcome respite from what Sidious and Tyrannus had asked of him. Vader lets himself get lost in the feel, in the comfort, in the security.

The darkness stands firm, but it cannot indefinitely resist the pure Light which he, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka are using. They drag it out, thread by thread, ripping it out at its roots. The further and deeper they get, the more they begin to realize a strange... anomaly. "It's spreading," Ahsoka breathes, horrified.

"We have to hurry," Obi-Wan says once he recovers. "It's destroying the memories which have been trapped here."

Vader doesn't know when that started exactly, but he now wonders if it began the moment Sidious died. Was that his failsafe, his final act of revenge? It wouldn't surprise him. At this point, he doesn't think anything would. Maybe he won't get back all of his memories, but if he can at least get back some of them, so he knows who he's supposed to be... that will be enough.

They throw themselves into the fight without another word or thought exchanged between them. If they move fast enough, maybe something will still be left of him when this is all over. It seems like it hardly takes anytime at all, but Vader can't be certain, because he has no sense of time here, in his mind. He has no idea how much time is passing in the world outside. The barrier resists, fighting their efforts before finally crumbling and disappearing without a trace. Memories rush out, and Vader instinctively pushes Obi-Wan and Ahsoka back, out of his head; they go willingly, and he spirals into darkness as everything comes rushing in, overwhelming him.

When he opens his eyes next, it's to find that he's now lying back on the couch, instead of on the floor. Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are sitting on either side of them, and – and Anakin can feel their deep exhaustion. The struggle took a lot out of all of them. He would like nothing more than a few hours – or days or weeks – to try and process everything. His mind still feels somewhat jumbled, but he thinks that he remembers everything, or mostly everything. In time, any gaps in his mind will likely reveal themselves.

He remembers now though. He remembers waking up, trusting Sidious – Palpatine – when he fed him the lies, using the Dark Side, attacking the Temple, killing Jedi...

"Are you okay?" Obi-Wan's voice interrupts him before his thoughts can begin spiraling.

Anakin swallows, unable to look at him, at either of them. He doesn't deserve to have them here. They shouldn't be here with him, not after what he did, what he was forced to do. He has the blood of so many Jedi and clones – his men – alike on his hands. He's – he's a criminal, a... Sith. Is he okay? No, and he doesn't know if he ever truly will be okay again. His mind was violated in the worst way possible, and it makes him sick to know that Palpatine was the one who did this to him. He trusted him, cared about him, and for what? It was all a lie. Nothing more.

"I will be," he says instead, voice hollow, numb. "I – I'm sorry, Master, about... everything. It – I –" He feels tears threatening, but he forces them back. Later. Now isn't a time to show weakness, to break down like he really wants.

"It's not your fault," Obi-Wan replies kindly, touching his arm, maybe to offer Anakin comfort as much as to assure himself that he's real. Anakin can't even imagine how Obi-Wan and Ahsoka and Rex and – and Padme handled his death. His master must have grieved and tried to move on though, ever the perfect Jedi.

Yes, it is, Anakin wants to scream. It's my fault. If I had done something differently, if I had been faster or smarter or something the Sith would never have gotten me. But he doesn't know that though. He doesn't know that, because he knows that... he could have Fallen anyways if Palpatine had orchestrated events just right, manipulating Anakin the way he always did. He hates himself for not having realized it sooner. He should have. He's the Chosen One, and he did nothing of use. Nothing at all.

"Don't think. Just rest," Obi-Wan tells him quietly.

"We'll be right here with you, Skyguy," Ahsoka agrees, sending him warmth and affection through their bond. "We're not going anywhere."

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