Aware
Disclaimer:Dick's, not mine.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews!
Two Months Earlier…
Alex
Bobby walked by Alex's desk, setting an ivory colored envelope down next to her crossword puzzle. She stopped erasing one of her wrong answers and picked up the envelope. She rolled her eyes at the gaudy type. "Well, I'm not getting anyone a gift; I spent way too much on my nephew this month. I am broke," Alex stated while she opened the envelope.
"You don't have to get us anything. Just come," Bobby said quietly, watching for her reaction. Alex slowly met his eyes.
"This is your invitation? You and Lisette are…" Alex trailed off as Bobby nodded. "Yeah…you're sure about this?" Again, Bobby nodded. Alex looked at him warily.
"Bobby! Congratulations!" Carolyn bounded over and threw her arms around Bobby. Bobby steadied himself and hugged her back.
"Thank you, Carolyn," Bobby said, blushing. Alex smiled half-heartedly and stuck her invitation in her desk then turned back to the crossword puzzle. She could feel both of them watching her.
"Alexandra Eames, we are so going shopping for you! We're going to get you dolled up and get you a date, and then I'm going to make Mike go as mine and we're all going to look hot," Carolyn rambled off excitedly. Bobby tilted his head to look at Alex. She refused to meet his eyes.
"No, Carolyn, I don't think so," Alex said quietly. She stood up slowly, picking up her purse. "I'm going to get a coffee. Anyone want anything?" She didn't wait for a response before taking off towards the elevators. Once outside, Alex walked down the street, warring with her emotions. I should be happy for him, Alex thought. He deserves some happiness, and she really loves him. But so do you, a little voice in the back of Alex's mind whispered. She silently wished the voice away. Besides, Bobby had no idea how she felt about him. And if he ever found out…well she didn't want to think about that. Her cell phone vibrated against her belt clip. Carolyn. Oh this is just great, Alex thought while putting the phone back onto her clip. Now she'd have explaining to do and she really didn't feel like getting into it. She walked into the coffee shop and straight into Jimmy Deakins.
"Oh my God, sir! Hi!" Alex snapped out of her reverie and hugged her old captain. Jimmy smiled and hugged her back, holding a paper coffee mug way out to his side to keep it from spilling.
"Hello Alex, how are you? I was going to call there to congratulate Bobby," Jimmy said. Alex bit back everything she wanted to say on that subject.
"Yeah, I just got my invite this morning. Are you going?" Alex dug in her purse for her wallet.
"Yes, Angie's been looking for a reason to get me out of the house, and it'll be good to see people I actually like. I didn't even know he was serious with anyone. I'm very happy for him." Jimmy tried to gauge Alex's reaction. And Alex knew he was doing it. Put on a happy face, Alex.
Alex smiled. "Yeah, she's a great girl. They're good together," Alex said, trying not to throw up in her mouth as she said the words.
"Well that's good to hear. I've got a golf game to play so I will see you then," Jimmy said, leaning in to give Alex another hug. And then he was gone. Alex smiled. It was good to see him after the unpleasantness. She walked to the counter, ordered her beverage and made her way back to One Police Plaza.
Bobby
Bobby sat at his desk, staring at his partner's empty chair. Why had she reacted so funny? He'd have to get to the bottom of this. Alex stepped off the elevator and sat down at her desk. Before Bobby could say anything, Carolyn once again bounded over, full of excitement.
"Listen, Alex, when we get out, we're going to go shopping. I saw the most perfect dress at Macy's and you're going to look amazing in it. And there's a little something I saw for myself there too. So meet me at my car and we'll go together," Carolyn said breathlessly. Alex took a sip of her coffee, blinking in amazement at her.
"Thank God you don't smoke. You'd never have been able to babble all of that out," Alex deadpanned. Bobby smirked.
"So, my wedding is actually an excuse for you to get all, ah, tarted up then?" Bobby asked. Carolyn punched him in the arm in response.
"I love weddings. The fact that it's yours is just a bonus. How come you kept it secret for so long? I called Lisette and she said you proposed four months ago?" Carolyn perched herself on Bobby's desk. Bobby fidgeted and Alex flinched. Carolyn missed none of it, yet kept her mouth shut. She'd ask Alex later.
"Well, ah, we were just waiting for a good time to tell people. Honestly, she wanted to mail the invites out as soon as we got them, but I said I'd just give you yours. And then I forgot to bring them in for weeks and well, now here the are and now you know," Bobby babbled, waving his hands around as he spoke. Bobby watched Alex out of the corner of his eye. Something was bothering her. He could see it in her eyes.
"Well, I'll get back to work. Captain Gaustad's on his way over," Carolyn hopped off of his desk and walked back to her domain. Mike immediately leaned in to ask her something. Bobby turned his attention back to Alex. She glanced down at that exact moment.
"Alex, what's –," Bobby started. The Captain was upon them.
"How is the case going?" Captain Gaustad was a tall, skinny man. His suits hung off of him rather sloppily. But as nice a guy as he was, Bobby was still having trouble adjusting to his reign.
"Good, sir. Just finishing up our statements and we'll be ready for your next bid," Alex responded without looking up. Bobby glanced at her briefly before addressing his captain.
"Uh, yeah, Eames is right. Almost done," Bobby said.
"Good. That's all. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, Goren," Capt. Gaustad said before making his way back to his office.
Alex looked at Bobby. "We've got to get Carolyn to use an indoor voice." Bobby smiled at her. She frowned and looked back down at her paperwork.
"Alex, what's wrong? You've been…distant," Bobby said, reaching his hand out to stop her pen from moving.
"Nothing's wrong, Bobby. I just, I don't want to talk about anything right now, okay?" Alex snatched her hand out of Bobby's reach and began writing again. Bobby watched her writing, wishing he knew how to get into her head outside of working a case.
Alex
Alex sat on her bed, Carolyn beside her. The eight hundred dollar dress from Macy's hung before them.
"It's a beautiful dress," Alex murmured.
"It looks amazing on you," Carolyn murmured back. She looked over at her friend, simultaneously catching a glimpse of them in the mirror. Their faces were blotchy from crying, Alex still doing so. "Why don't you talk to him? Maybe-,"
"Maybe what, Car? Maybe he'll leave her for me just because I just realized how much I love him? No, it just doesn't work that way," Alex sobbed. She wiped her nose with a paper towel before continuing. "How is that conversation going to go? Oh, hey, Bobby? I know you love Lisette and everything but after five, six years it's just now dawned on me that I am completely and utterly in love with you. So, just cross out her name on the invitations and scrawl mine over it and we'll live happily ever after." Alex flopped back on her bed and curled into a ball. Carolyn started crying again at the thought of her friend's dilemma. "And I love Lisette! She's a great girl. She's smart, she's funny, she's a goddamn supermodel; she can actually hug him without getting out a stepladder. But I love him, too. What's wrong with me that, that he…" Alex trailed off. She hiccupped and tried to slow her breathing down.
"Baby, there ain't nothing wrong with you that I can see. Why don't you take a nap, and then call me later okay? I'm sorry but I have to get home. The puppy awaits," Carolyn said rubbing her friend's back. It was too late – she was already asleep. Carolyn smiled sadly at Alex's back. She covered her up with one of the many throws Alex had on her bed and made her way out her apartment.
Later, Alex was still in bed, thinking about how she would never be able to show her face in Macy's again after her "breakdown". She had just poured her heart out to Carolyn in the dressing room. Although she was right, Alex did look amazing in it. Alex half-smiled, then remembered her issue. It was about a year and a half ago, she realized she loved him. She just couldn't make the move she didn't want to ruin the partnership. Alex knew Bobby counted on her and she just didn't want to ruin that for either of them. Then he met Lisette, and her chance was gone. At least Lisette was a tolerable human being, and Alex could see that she truly loved him. That should've been of some comfort to Alex, that Bobby had two good women to count on, but it wasn't. She wanted to be the only one. And now it was never going to happen. Alex began to cry again, falling back asleep.
Bobby & Alex
Bobby let himself into Alex's apartment with the key she'd given him nearly six years previous. He set his portfolio down on her kitchen table and walked around her apartment. He turned lights on as he walked around, wondering where she was. He saw the bedroom door was cracked open a little bit and he crept his way down the hall. He pushed the door open and peeked inside. The sun was going down and what light was left filtered in through the curtains and lit up Alex's sleeping body. Bobby frowned at the sight of her, face snotty and blotchy and frowning. There is something wrong, Bobby thought. He sat down beside her on the bed. He brushed the hair back from her face, causing her to stir slightly. Not thinking about what he was doing, he lay down beside her and watched her sleep. Even with dried snot on her face, she still looked beautiful. Bobby rubbed her arm gently until se woke up fully.
"Alex, wake up. It's me," He whispered. Alex blinked several times before finally focusing on who was talking. She jumped out of bed when she realized it was Bobby.
"How, what the hell are you doing in my bed? What are you doing here?" Alex yelled. No wonder the dream was so life-like, she thought.
Bobby couldn't help but stare at her. Thoughts entered his mind that he knew shouldn't be there. "I – I wanted to know…to talk about what's going on. You've been acting…funny," Bobby said quietly. Alex looked at him incredulously.
"You're laying in my bed trying to find out what's wrong with me? You laying in my bed is what's wrong with me!" Alex yelled. Bobby stared at her.
"What…what?" Bobby walked around the bed over to where Alex was standing. "Me in your bed is what's bothering you? I'm sorry, I just came to -,"
"Bobby, I'm in love with you. That's what's bothering me. I thought I could deal with it, I had been, but then…now you're getting married…" Alex sat down as she trailed off. Again, Bobby stared at her.
"I-I…why didn't you…how long?" Bobby said quietly, clearing the lump from his throat.
"Almost two years. I didn't want to ruin anything. I didn't want something to happen to us and ruin that for you –" Alex ran her hands through her hair.
"You couldn't tell me something like that because you thought me having to get a new partner would throw me for a loop?" Bobby was starting to get angry. "You thought I couldn't deal with that?"
"Honestly, yes. I didn't want someone to come in and leave because they couldn't deal with you –"
"And you think you're the only one who can deal with me? Like I can't live without you as my partner?" Bobby looked at Alex, waiting for an explanation.
"How dare you?" Her eyes started to well up again.
"Alex, I can't believe you couldn't tell me that. I thought you trusted me," Bobby said.
"Well, God, Bobby! How was I supposed to bring that one up!" Alex laughed through her tears. They were both sitting on her bed. Silence fell over them. Alex's tears slowed down and Bobby was rubbing his face with his hands. Bobby broke the silence.
"I love you, Alex. I didn't think you felt the same way. So I didn't say anything either. But…if you had, you wouldn't have had to worry."
Alex looked at him, the tears starting again. "You've got to be kidding me. Why wouldn't I have had to worry?"
"I could've dealt with another partner – I still would've had you," Bobby replied. The tears he had been holding back came down his face. He quickly wiped them away. Alex reached for his hand and squeezed it.
"We are just dumb," Alex said, a failed attempt at humor. Bobby looked at her intently for a second. "Bobby?" Alex started to ask, just as Bobby leaned in to kiss her. She let him explore for a second, stunned, but kissed him back harder. The sun set on Bobby and Alex, as they consummated their love for each other, however doomed it was.
The Next Day…
Bobby
Bobby sat at his desk, reliving the previous night in his head. Not the good part either. He had left Alex that night, had woken her up and let her know he was leaving, and went back home to his fiancée. He wanted to come clean to Lisette, let her know how he felt. She was up waiting for him and she was not happy. He told her. That's why he had the bruise on his face. Bobby felt for it; yes, still there. She slept in the spare bedroom, while he slept on the couch. He woke early for work and crept out, trying not to wake her. He didn't even know how to feel; he loved Lisette, but was completely in love with Alex. It was nearly eight in the morning when Alex walked off the elevator and took her seat in front of him. She looked up shyly at him. He half-grinned at her and that's when she noticed the bruise.
"Bobby, what happened?" She reached out to touch it, but stopped herself.
"I told her," Bobby answered. "She didn't take it too well and now we're not talking. I don't know what's going on." Alex bit her lip.
"I'm sorry, Bobby. I didn't –" Alex started.
"Alex, nothing here is your fault. Just stop it." Bobby held his hands up for emphasis. Alex, for once, kept her mouth shut.
The four detectives got together in the conference room to look over evidence for the new case they would all be working on. They were pouring over pictures when there was a knock at the door.
"Uh, Goren? Your fiancée is here," Officer Germaine reported. Alex avoided Bobby's eye as he got up to see why exactly his fiancée was there. Mike, Carolyn and Alex both watched what was going on outside. Lisette was crying, but Bobby looked happy. They both disappeared into the elevator. Mike and Carolyn turned to Alex.
"So…what's going on there?" Mike prodded Alex with his pencil.
"Well, seeing as how Carolyn can't keep her mouth shut – I still love you, Carolyn – I'm in love with Bobby, he's in love with me, we all settled this last night, he went home and told Lisette, she punched him and now they're downstairs talking," Alex rattled off.
Mike frowned in confusion. "By settled you mean…"
"Yes, we did it. You are…how do you work here?" Alex asked.
"My good looks, my dear," Mike said, batting his eyelashes at her. The elevator pinged and off walked Bobby. "Oh, this should be good," Mike deadpanned. Alex held her breath as Bobby walked back towards the room.
"She's pregnant," Bobby announced. Alex's heart stopped for a minute. Mike glanced over at Alex, while Bobby avoided her eye. Carolyn squeezed Alex's hand.
"Um, congratulations," Alex mumbled as she stood and walked out of the room. Bobby sighed, resigned.
"I take it you both know?" Mike and Carolyn nodded slowly. "I have to stay with her now. I can't let her raise this child by herself," Bobby said, more to himself than the others. "I have to break her heart all over again." And with that, Bobby walked out of the room back to his desk where Alex was busying herself with paperwork.
"I mean it – congratulations," Alex said without looking up.
"Thank you," Bobby replied.
"You'll be staying then?" Alex asked, already knowing the answer.
"I can't, I can't let her…" Bobby started. Alex held up her hand and looked up at him.
"You're a good man, Bobby. I understand." Alex resumed her paperwork.
"Thank you," Bobby whispered. He turned and went back into the conference room.
