The Nurturing Moon
Softly placing Chuck's head onto her jacket, Hope stood up from her spot and walked out into the dark blue world. After Teresa's styling help, Hope had found herself wearing a long-sleeved shirt to hide her arms, another nice pair of long cargo pants, and even some good hiking boots. So now, she was all ready to explore the night. There weren't many times as a child that Hope had gotten such a chance, because, most of the time, there was a layer of glass separating her from the outside world. From within that dark room, Hope would stare up at the moon and stars, never being able to touch them or feel the cool air on her skin. But now, as Hope gazed up at the sky, she felt a soft breeze dance across her face.
Likewise, once she was a fair distance away from the camp, Hope turned her body around. A fascinated smile graced her lips while she stared at the ship sunken in sand, her curious mind wondering how it had gotten there. What was its story? Who used to maneuver it through the seas? What tales did the sailors have of being on the open waters? But, sadly, those people were probably gone now, lost to the stream of time. However, not wanting to bum herself out too much, Hope turned back around and stared up at the sky. She was alone out there - her friends being pretty far away - yet Hope didn't feel very alone.
There were so many stars. So many twinkling, shining stars. Then, in the center of it all, was the moon. It wasn't as bright or as light as the stars, but it was still just as magnificent. Hope's smile returned, and she took satisfaction in the feeling of freedom. Sure, WICKED was after them and nothing was going nicely - it was going terrible, really. But no, was there a window separating Hope from this singular moon. There was so much space around her. There were so many things to see and to touch. There was a whole world for Hope to explore. She wasn't trapped within a tiny room anymore, and regardless of how selfish Hope felt toward that fact, she couldn't resist how amazing it felt to be free.
Hope took a deep breath in… then out. The air was crisp, the sky was beautiful, and the Earth was underneath her feet. This was what it must have felt like to be alone… and content with it. Though, maybe, Hope wasn't actually alone.
"What're you doing?"
"W-What the- Mm!" When Hope let out her infamous yelp of surprise, she whipped her body around at the same time. But, luckily for the person who'd scared her, they had quicker reflexes and slapped their hand over her mouth. Furthermore, Hope's eyes widened even more after realizing who had scared her. "M-Minho?!"
"Ew! Don't breathe in my hand!" Minho snapped, promptly taking his hand off from her mouth. "And, seriously, after all that had happened, why do you still scream like that?!"
"I-I wish I knew," Hope grumbled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Minho. I'll try my best not to do it again…"
"Good," Minho huffed. "'Cause you almost woke up the whole world with that one."
"But…" Hope tilted her head. "What's going on, Minho? Did something happen?"
"Why do you think something happened?"
"Uhm, well, that's… Okay, why are you out here?"
"Oh, you want me to go back?" Minho queried as he suddenly started backing away. "Don't want me to interrupt your stargazing? No, I get it. I'll leave you-"
"W-Wait, no!" Hope panicked. "I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that!"
"Then now did you mean it?"
"I-I meant, like, what are you doing up?"
"What? You don't believe that I'd wanna stargaze with you?"
"Huh…?"
"I'm crushed, Hope. You don't even remember me telling you about it. What kind of friend are you?"
"H-Huh?!" Hope squeaked. "You said that you liked stargazing?!"
"Well, yeah. Multiple times."
"Oh my gosh, Minho, I'm so sorry! Trust me, I won't let you feel left out again! So, next time, we can-!" But when Hope finally noticed the smirk on Minho's face, her face went from anxious… to disappointed. "You're messing with me, aren't you?"
"Duh," Minho said simply. "You're so easy to lie to."
"Th-That's…" Hope then let out a scoff, turned her back to Minho, and crossed her arms over her chest. "P-Please don't say those things! I actually felt bad, and I actually almost died because of it! S-So, if you're only out here to make me feel bad, then I politely ask you to-"
Hope's words got caught in her throat, and the deep blush of embarrassment on her face turned into bafflement. Before she could even finish her sentence, she felt a weight being dropped onto her right shoulder, making her body stiffen like a board. Hope wasn't sure what the weight belonged to until… she heard it speak.
"Don't move," Minho ordered, his forehead leaning on Hope's shoulder. "Just… don't move."
The arms that Hope had crossed over her chest lifelessly fell to her sides, and finally, she was able to breathe again. Hope let out the breath she'd been holding in, feeling her heart start to beat again as well. Though, despite her heart beating perfectly fine, she didn't feel fine. Hope turned her head downward, and her eyes were filled with sympathy. She knew that Minho wouldn't do such a thing without feeling a certain type of way. And that certain type of way… wasn't a very good feeling. Hope gave Minho a few moments, not wanting to rush him, before ultimately asking the question.
"Can I talk?"
"…Yeah."
"Can I ask?"
"Yeah."
"What's wrong?" Hope asked. "What happened, Minho?"
"I feel… like… I'm back in the Maze again," Minho muttered under his breath. "Those feelings are coming back, and I hate it... I-I hate it, Hope."
"What feelings?" Hope furthered, causing Minho to tightly shut his eyes.
"Those ones where… I… I feel like a… I'm not doing enough… I-I feel like I'm failing again, Hope… And I don't know why."
Upon hearing this, Hope's downturned head turned upward. She now gazed at the lonely moon once more, feeling that same soft breeze as well. It was true that Hope wasn't good with people, yet it was also true that she didn't understand herself. Hope didn't understand how or why Alby or Winston believed in her. She didn't know why they believed in her ability to "comfort". However, in that moment, as Minho confessed his feelings to her, leaning on her for support, the words naturally came to Hope's lips. She may have been awkward, she may have been timid, she may have been scarred, but… Somehow, all of those traits disappeared when it came to comforting her friends. If they needed her, then nothing else mattered to her.
"Back in the Maze, it was never about escaping for you, it was about protecting them," Hope started to explain in a gentle tone. "The most important things to you, Minho, are your friends. And you wanna do everything you can to ensure their safety. So the fact that… that you weren't able to save some of those friends, is hurting you. It's making you feel like a failure. It's making you feel like… you gotta try harder." Hope then glanced her eyes away from the sky and down to Minho. "But it's not your fault, Minho. And you aren't a failure. The fact that you keep moving forward, never give up, and continue to be the best you can for your friends, is proof enough that you are good enough. You're more than good enough, Minho. You may not see it yet, but you deserve the world after all it's taken from you. You deserve… to rest."
Minho closed his eyes and buried his face into Hope's shoulder. Those words that she'd just spoken, were the exact words that he needed to hear. Hope didn't only explain what he was feeling, but she also found a way to soothe those destructive feelings. Somehow, she knew how to glue back together his cracking heart, and it… it made him smile. Minho didn't know it was possible, yet he managed to smile during one of the most difficult times of his life. And he even felt safe in such a deceitful, harsh world. In all honesty, Minho had followed Hope to be comforted. He had seen how she'd done it for Chuck, and embarrassingly for him, he couldn't stop himself from wanting the same thing. But after truly hearing Hope's words, that discomfiture was gone. Yes, instead of drowning up in his guilt, Minho had Hope to pull him out from the depths.
And it felt amazing.
The next night, the sky was covered by clouds. After a full day of walking, Hope didn't receive the luxury of those stars. She saw clouds full of water, yet their water was almost gone. Everyone's throat was dry, and one more sip from their water bottles would be their last. It was almost laughable how the clouds were dark enough to look like rain clouds, and yet they never actually rained. They just stared down at the Earth below and taunted them. It chuckled at them. As Hope stared up at that unforgiving sky, she felt the hard desert ground beneath her. The sun had just set, and the group found themselves sleeping in the middle of the desert. It wasn't the best, but it was needed. They were tired. So… very tired.
However, Hope continued to stay awake. She didn't want to sleep. Of course, she had slept during the last few days, but never for long. Hope didn't like the voices in her head. They scared her and yelled at her. Just like the stars covered by clouds, Hope's heart was covered by Mara. Hope's brightness… was covered by Mara's darkness. And it hurt. It hurt to be trapped within her own mind, and it hurt to be unable to let her heart be free. Hope now understood why her mind didn't want to remember her past; she knew, back when she was in the Maze, why had begged her to just let it go. Why, even though the dreams were terrible, the truth was way worse.
Hope wished she could go back there. She wished she could go back in time and live without her past before the Maze. Though, merely thinking that Mara's voice pop into Hope's head: "Don't be selfish, Hope." Hearing that voice made Hope tightly shut her eyes and place her hand over her ears. She even gripped the hair behind her ears, trying to focus on her physical pain instead of her mental ones. With the sky clouded over, and with Mara's voice within her head, Hope felt darkness surround her. She felt so… alone.
But all of a sudden, that same girl felt something brush against her arm. The feeling made her instantly flinch away, which also made her hands fall from her ears and her eyes reopen. Hope snapped her head to her left, causing her eyes to open even larger than they already were. She gasped, her heart started beating out of her chest, and her face went totally red. All of this emotion was caused by one singular boy, whose face was now right in front of Hope's. Newt had seen Hope slap her hands over her ears, so he took it upon himself to finally butt-in. She was obviously terrified of something, and he wanted to help her. Hence, Newt had stood up, took a few steps closer to her, and then laid his jacket-pillow right next to hers.
This was what caused Newt's and Hope's faces to become inches apart.
"I- Wha- When-" Hope started stuttering out nonsense. However, upon finally digesting how close their faces actually were, Hope instantly turned her back to him. And although she was stunned, Hope tried her best to keep her voice down. Her friends were sleeping right next to her. "W-W-What are you doing, Newt?"
"You looked sad," Newt whispered back. "So I wanted to see if you were okay."
"I'm fine…"
"You're still lying to me, I see."
"I'm not lying."
"C'mon, Hope… You're just proving my point."
"I'm… not trying to prove anything," Hope sighed, her anxiety slowly leaving and her sadness returning. "I don't even know how to do that."
Hope heard Newt let out a sigh of his own. "Will you ever tell me what's going on with you?"
"Honestly?"
"Honestly."
"Probably not."
"Why not?"
"Because there's nothing to tell," Hope breathed. "I have nothing to say."
"No, you have nothing you want to say," Newt argued. "I can see it in your eyes, Hope. Every single time I look at you, I can see that there are things you aren't telling us. And it's hurting you. I can see that… you're in pain, Hope."
Hope didn't know how to respond to that, so instead, she simply stayed quiet. She didn't like how Newt could see through her so easily, and yet, Hope could feel a tiny part of her heart… absolutely adoring it. Her eyes stared down at the desert floor, while her hand gripped her jacket into a ball. Hope so desperately wanted to run away - she wanted to wallow up into a ball and turn invisible. Forever. However, there was that other part of her. The part of her that yearned for Newt's comfort, and wanted him to free her from Mara's clutches. But the worst part of it all… was that Hope hated herself for either of those options. She felt so weak for wanting to run away, and felt so selfish for wanting Newt so badly. Hope's trauma ran deep within her bones, never letting go until she became the trauma itself. She was lost in the dark clouds and the negative thoughts, because there wasn't a single thing that could-
The clouds parted. From where Hope lay, she noticed a pocket of sky clear of any clouds. She saw the night sky. The vast, beautiful night sky that was clear and free. But in the middle of that pocket of sky, Hope saw its heart: the Moon. Shining right into her eyes, the Moon stared down at her. It saw her, and Hope saw it. The clouds had cleared. It may have only been a small portion of the sky, but it was large enough. It was large enough for the great, grand Moon.
"Hope." After a long pause, Newt suddenly spoke up. But what he said next, made the girl almost die. "Hope, is the reason you're not telling me the truth because… Am I… not good enough for you?"
"W-Wait, what?" Almost immediately, Hope turned her body to face him. "Newt, no! Why would you-"
The moment Newt saw Hope's body finally facing his, he softly placed his hand to the back of her head and then pulled her face into his chest. He knew that lying about his feelings was wrong; he knew that saying those things against Hope was very wrong. Regardless, Newt also knew that that was the only way for Hope to actually face him again. Furthermore, when Hope's body froze against his, Newt knew that this bewilderment of hers… was his only window to speak.
"I know that I'm only one person, and I know that… I can't save all of you," Newt whispered into her hair. "I can't save you from what's happened to you. I wish I could have, but I can't. I wasn't there, only you were, and I can only imagine how terrible it was for you… But, Hope, I'm here now. A-And I know that doesn't bloody mean much. I know that I'm not always the best at helping, but I… I wanna try." Slowly, Hope's surprised eyes relaxed the more Newt spoke. "I wanna understand you, Hope. I wanna see the world the way you do, because I care about you. And I don't wanna lose you. I can't lose you too… It'd hurt too much."
Hope's body fully relaxed, and her eyes filled with tears. Out of everyone, Newt was the only one able to bring forth her true feelings. The only person that made Hope want to openly cry and complain about her problems. Back in the Glade, Newt had accepted Hope at her worst. He saw her weaknesses, and yet he cared for her. Newt saw Hope's "selfishness", and he still cared. It was true that Hope didn't know about her past back then, so she was more open about opening up. However, it was even more true that Newt was the first person Hope had ever opened up to. He was the first person to ever comfort her and she had accepted it.
So that… that was why…
"D-Dang it, Newt…" Hope ultimately whimpered into his chest. "I want to push you away… I-I want you to be rid of me, but…" Instinctively, one of her hands latched his onto shirt, pulling him closer. "B-But I can't do that, because I… adore you too much."
Thump! Newt felt and heard his heart thump alive in his chest, while his face blushed red and his mouth went dry. He felt Hope's hand clench tighter about his shirt, her body trembling against his own. And if it wasn't for what Thomas unexpectedly said next, Newt would have finally whispered… those three words into Hope's ear.
Within her office, Ava Paige stared up at the Moon. And as her unfinished work lay on her desk behind her, she wondered when the next full moon would be. The full moon, which was always a topic that brought on talk of werewolves and vampires, reminded Ava of Hope. That little girl was the light in the darkness. A lonely light that never went out. The Moon may have shrunk, it may have lessened in brightness, but it always came back to become whole again. Hope may have lost her way, and yet, somehow, her inner light still came back. But speaking of werewolves and vampires and darkness, Ava knew, however misguided she could be, that she was a part of that group.
As children, you never thought that you'd become a monster. You thought that you'd find love, have children, and die with a fulfilled life to say goodbye to. But what was "fulfillment" when you were the "monster"? Ava didn't want to believe that she was the monster, yet she never had that "fulfilling" life. And, the more she thought about it, the more Ava realized that she had nothing to smile about. She found love, but love never found her. She had children, but her child couldn't have a childhood. And the one thing that Ava worked her entire life to fulfill, still hadn't been fulfilled. It felt terrible. It felt… ugly.
"Mother."
"Yes, Mara?"
"Have you found her yet?"
"No," Ava huffed, turning her head away from the Moon. She looked back and saw her daughter, who was leaning her back against one of the office's walls. "But we almost have them."
"Tch, 'them'," Mara clicked her tongue. "I gotta give them points for figuring you guys out, but… They're so stingy. What makes them think they're worth more than the sick?"
"They're scared. It's normal."
"I don't get scared."
"You're not normal, though."
"Then… what are they like?" Mara asked while she stared down at the ground. "'Normal people'?"
"You shouldn't trouble yourself with such things," Ava chided. "It's unnecessary."
"It isn't unnecessary to Hope," Mara argued. "She loves them."
"And so do they," Ava acknowledged, prompting a malicious smirk to adorn Mara's face.
"No, they don't."
"How so?"
"They don't even know her. How could they possibly 'love her'? Those children threw her away once, and they'd do it again. Once Hope tells them the truth, it'll be over."
"Mara… I think you're underestimating them."
"What," Mara lifted up her head, "the hell does that mean?"
"You haven't seen the things I've seen," Ava explained in a blank tone. "Those boys adore that girl, and they would do anything to keep her safe. No, they'd do anything to keep Hope with them. She is who they turn to for support - she is their light within the darkness. And that support… That shining light… It's hard to let go of, Mara. When you feel fully accepted by someone, you can never go back to living without them… Trust me, Mara. If we get in their way of Hope, they will retaliate. They will-"
BAM!
"NO!" Mara screamed after vehemently hitting the wall with her fist. "No, that's not gonna happen! I-I won't let them! And if… if you think that I'd actually let them take Hope from me, then you're dumber than I thought!" Mara's deep blue eyes glared hatefully into her mother's. "You're stupid! You're stupid! You're so goddamn STUPID!"
BAM! Once more, the walls shook. This time, though, it was caused by Mara slamming the office's door behind her. So now, only Ava Paige stood in that room. And she was grateful for that.
"You're right, Mara…" Ava sighed, gazing her eyes back up at the Moon. "I'm a mother. Of course I'm stupid."
Yes, Ava couldn't accept that she was a monster, but she could accept that she'd been a monster toward her own daughter.
