Life With Derek: The Secret

o9o

After watching Derek ascend the stairs, Casey shook herself for doing something so stupid. The new Derek would've made fun of her. He would've made her so angry that she purposely spilled his chicken soup on him. Instead, she was stuck with the old Derek. The sweet one that talked to her like a normal person. The one whose mouth was allowed to press a small kiss against her thumb.

Pacing the living room, she fought for her rational mind to take over. Why were all of these emotions coming back now? Why couldn't they stay buried and locked away in the farthest reaches of her heart? She didn't want him anymore; she couldn't forgive him for what he did. The phone ringing caught her attention, Sam wanted to meet for an earlier show.

Sam was a good guy; he was a sweet, funny, nice boy. He had his moments where he really reminded her of Derek; the one she had fallen in love with. The only difference was that it was highly unlikely that Sam would ever do what Derek had done. Then again, she never thought Derek could do it to her either. In the end, she really didn't feel anything for Sam but friendship.

She had hoped she would find something with him that she had in the beginning with Derek, but there was no luck. There was no substitution for him and part of her wondered if she would be stuck living a life of passionless nonexistence. To have someone like Derek and the feelings he caused, she'd have to accept the moments that he caused the horrendous pain he'd placed on her. She couldn't be in a relationship like that; she couldn't love someone who did that to her.

Casey walked out the door to meet Sam the exact moment George, her mom, and the kids came back from their movie. She tried to smile at them while walking towards the beat up Mustang. Her mom's voice calling out her name, caused her to turn back to them.

"How's Derek feeling?" Nora wondered.

"I think he's going to be okay," Casey said, nodding. "It'll take a little time, but he'll get over it." Her double meaning went unnoticed as she turned back and climbed into Sam's car.

"Hey," he greeted. "So, I was thinking we could get something to eat before we head to the movie."

"Yeah, sure," she said, nodding.

"How's the Diner sound?" he wondered, as he pulled out of the driveway.

Swallowing her emotions, Casey nodded with a stiff smile. "The Diner is great."

Sam turned the radio on as they drove out to the restaurant favorite of most teenagers in the city. Saturday was usually a party hangover day, so there'd probably be very little customers. From personal experience, Casey knew that Sundays were a very busy night for Mac, the owner. As Sam pulled into the parking lot, Casey looked around at the familiar place. She tried to stop the rush of feelings that enveloped her just from looking at it.

Since her and Derek broke up, she avoided the place like a plague. If anyone asked her to go, she made an excuse. When her mom and George offered to take them all out for dinner there, she suddenly wasn't feeling well. She could barely look at the place where they danced, or the booth they sat in for hours sharing their lives with each other.

Sam happened to pick their booth and sat exactly where Derek sat. For a moment, Casey had to shake her head. She could actually see her ex sitting there, smiling and talking. His arms waved around frantically as he told her a story about hockey. Feeling a tight grip on her throat, she tried to push him out of her mind. With no luck, however, as the same guy who served her and Derek happened to serve her and Sam.

Like he did when she was with Derek, his eyes roamed over her appreciatively. Unlike Derek, however, Sam simply ignored him. After taking their orders, he winked at her and scurried off.

Sam looked over the play list for the jukebox. "Do you like anything on here?" he wondered.

Shaking her head, she cleared her throat. "No, not really."

It'd be the last straw if their song came on; she could feel herself shaking in the booth. She had tried her best to avoid places they had been together. She worked hard to get rid of the things that reminded her of him. She revamped the house to destroy the past, she never went to his games or to the rink, and she avoided the Diner at all costs.

"Casey MacDonald, is that you?" asked a familiar, older voice. Mac the owner made his way over. A cheerful smile graced his lips as he pulled a chair up to their table. He was wearing his usual beige pants and white button up shirt. A long, stained white apron covered him. "Why I haven't seen you here in weeks?" he told her, whistling. Scratching his chin, he shook his head. "More than that, even. I think it's been three months or so."

Tipping her head, she smiled. "I've been busy," she lied. "Everything is booming though, I'm sure."

"Always," he agreed. "I'm thinking of getting a few new servers though." He nodded his head to the guy who was waiting on them. "That kid gets a lot of complaints from girls' boyfriends."

Chuckling, Casey nodded. "I can understand why."

"Where's that, uh, boyfriend of yours?" he asked. "He usually comes in here on Sundays, but he missed it the last two weeks."

Running her hand through her hair, she swallowed. "Well- We- I-" She sighed. "He and I broke up," she explained, quietly.

"Oh," Mac said, drawing out the word sadly. "Really? Wow," he said, in disbelief. "I really thought you two were going to last. Silly of me, I guess. I mean, after all, you two are only sixteen." Shaking his head, he sighed. "He talks about you all the time, I just figured you two were still together."

"He does?" she asked, surprised. Her heart swelled for a moment, before she reminded herself not to feel anything. She didn't want to get her hopes up; she wanted to let go of all of this. To let go of him for good.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "Hangs out at this booth every Sunday. Deluxe burger, large chocolate milkshake. Plays your song and chats with me till closing."

Overwhelmed, Casey didn't know what to say. "I had no idea..."

Standing up, Mac returned the chair to its regular place. "Must say, kid really loved you. I thought for sure you two were going to be this years couple!"

"This years couple?" Casey asked, raising her brows.

Lifting his hand, he pointed to the back. "Every year, I get one couple that makes it. The couple I just know is going to get married and have their happy ending. I thought for sure you and he were it. I carve their names in, along with the year I meet them. Then year they get married, they come back and put it under their names."

"Wow," she said, smiling lightly. "That sounds beautiful."

Sighing, he nodded. "Well, I guess there's still time to find another couple." He began walking away, but she called out to him.

"Have you ever been wrong?" she asked, tipping her head.

Smiling, he shook his head. "Not in thirty years," he told her, smiling.

A buzzing resounded through her body, tingling her every limb. Turning back to Sam, she swallowed. She had completely forgot that he was there. His eyes were staring pointedly at the table and his hands were playing with the music list.

"Sorry about that," she said, shrugging. "I met Mac a few months ago. He's a really nice guy."

"Yeah," Sam said. "It's not a problem." He squirmed uncomfortably.

Their meals were put down in front of them and they ate quietly. Casey's mind had wandered from her again, replaying Derek and the conversation they had until Mac kicked them out. Instead of Sam, she again saw him sitting there. His handsome face and charming smile staring at her perfectly.

That night was filled with laughter and fun. They shared intimate moments of their life; explaining their home lives and what it was like living with only one parent. Derek had gone into detail about his love for hockey and one of his favorite games that he had played. She could still see him beaming at her, the laughter and excitement radiating off his voice. Never before had she ever felt so calm and comfortable with someone. He was the best date she'd ever been with; he was incredible.

Even after all the patrons that loved the Diner had long left, they sat in the booth all alone. Only one light was still lit, right near their table. Mac was in the back going over the books while they chatted it up. He came out and took breaks with them; conversing about the new hockey season and asking them about school and such. Instead of feeling like he was intruding, they invited him into the conversation comfortably.

Casey had felt like they'd been together months instead of days. She got to know everything there was to know about Derek that night and in turn he had learned the same about her. She left nothing unturned, she truly wanted him to know her. It was unusual for her to be so comfortable sharing her life with someone. She reserved that for councillors or her mother, never someone she had just met. Even some of her friends didn't know her as well as Derek did.

When they were finally kicked out, late into the night, Casey didn't even mind that she had school in just a few short hours. She managed to sneak into her condo without her mom noticing and relished in the wonderful night she had. It was one of her favorite dates with him. In reality, she couldn't say any of them, except the last, was bad. She started dating when she was thirteen, which hadn't turned out well. For three years, she went on the most boring, worst dates possible. Then, she met Derek and it was as if a bad date wasn't possible in any way.

Noticing Sam's hand waving in front of her hands, Casey blinked. "I'm sorry what?" she asked, furrowing her brow.

Chuckling, he shrugged. "I was just asking if you were alright, you look kind of dazed."

Nodding, she closed her eyes for a moment. "I'm really sorry Sam. I keep getting caught up in my mind," she explained.

"That's alright," he said, smiling. "I was thinking we should see the new action movie," he said, nodding. "I know it's really not a date movie, but..." His eyes widened as he realized what he'd said; it was obvious he wasn't sure what this was.

"That's fine," she said, deciding not to correct him. She was sure that later, it would become obvious that they were just friends for him. And if it didn't, then she'd have to explain it to him. He was a sweet guy, but he just wasn't... Derek. As much as she wanted to let go of him and move on, she hadn't yet.

After they ate, Sam drove them to the mall to watch "V for Vendetta." The movie was full of raw action and incredible effects. Sam had a blast while Casey couldn't keep her mind or eyes on the movie at all. She felt his arm around her and didn't know what to do; she didn't want to embarrass him by making him move it. He didn't seem to be leaning in for a kiss, which she was very thankful for. She didn't know how she would break it to him if that had happened.

Hours later, she didn't even know the movie had ended until Sam stood up and stretched. Getting out of her seat, she walked out of the theater with him close behind. "Do you want to hang around here for awhile?" he asked. "I wanted to pick up a new CD."

"Sure," she said, smiling.

She didn't really want to spend any more time with him at the mall or anywhere really. She couldn't focus and she was beginning to feel like she was acting rudely towards him. As she roamed the aisles of the music store, she could hear The Used playing on the radio overhead.

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me, Off guard, red handed, Now I'm far from lonely, Asleep I still see you lying next to me, So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

Derek owned the CD, so every once in awhile, she'd sneak in and borrow it without him knowing. The song playing happened to be her favorite; relating rather well to her life's state lately. As her hands played over the many CD's in their proper places, she listened intently to the truthful words.

There were moments where she actually felt like she was reliving the past. Sometimes, she swore she could feel his arms around her. At night, she sometimes thought she saw him right there with her. The moon light playing over the plains of his face. Of course, she knew those days were gone; she just couldn't stop herself from remembering and feeling them.

I need something else, Would someone please just give me, Hit me, knock me out, And let me go back to sleep, I can laugh, All I want inside I still am empty, So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

When their relationship ended, she tried to be strong. She pulled out all the stops to try and be the feminist who didn't need a man to be happy. She wanted to be strong enough that she didn't have to cry. She didn't have to feel the overwhelming pain that strained her throat and tugged at her heart. She had given him all of her and he trampled all over it. In one night, it had all fallen apart.

I'll be just fine, Pretending I'm not, I'm far from lonely, And it's all that I've got, I'll be just fine, Pretending I'm not, I'm far from lonely, And it's all that I've got...

When she moved into the Venturi house, she kept her head high and her attitude sharp. She wouldn't let him see just how much it pained her to see his face every morning. She wouldn't let herself weep for their relationship. When her mother asked if she was okay, she lied and said she was. When her friends questioned her sad demeanor, she put on a fake smile and acted how the old Casey would. They didn't know that at night, when it got to be too much, she cried her heart into her pillow; a small, yellow teddy bear clutched in her arms.

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me, Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat, I squoze so hard, I stopped your heart from beating, So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I...

As hard as she tried to see him as a selfish jerk and her step brother, she couldn't get him out of her head. Everybody thought she was angry at him simply because step siblings fight and hardly ever get along. But they didn't know; they didn't understand how much it hurt. He knew; he knew what he did and still he found it easy to hurt her more. He came up with a nickname for her; he bugged her every moment he could. He gave no sympathy; not for his ex and not for his step sister.

Still though, there were moments where she caught herself staring at him. Remembering the old him and the way his arms fit around her so perfectly. Remembering how his lips felt against her and the way his voice sounded when he was truly happy. And there were times when she caught him looking at her too; with that familiar mischievous twinkle in his eyes. For a brief moment, she would forget what he did and think of him as the Derek she loved. But then it would rush back and she'd have to glare at him.

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me, So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me...

Casey thought the pain would go away; even if she was living with him. It had to die out one day, didn't it? She couldn't go on living in this pit of anger and despair. She couldn't keep wishing things had turned out differently. Nothing could change what had happened. Nobody could make it better; there was no going back. Derek had ripped her heart out and there was no returning it.

I'll be just fine, Pretending I'm not, I'm far from lonely, And it's all that I've got, I'll be just fine, Pretending I'm not, I'm far from lonely, And it's all that I've got...

"Casey?" Sam's voice called out.

Turning around, she smiled at him. He was holding a bag by the cashier. Walking over, she followed him out. Reaching out, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She stiffened for a moment, but let him keep his arm there.

Casey assumed Sam didn't remember her at all; he didn't seem to, or at least he hadn't mentioned it. She never really met him formally; Derek always picked the car up and dropped it off without her. She had only seen him around at the party every once in awhile. She thought he might've been at the Diner, but she wasn't sure. While with Derek, she was constantly being introduced to people so it was hard to put the name to the face.

"It's alright," he suddenly said, breaking their silence.

"What is?" she asked, turning her face up to him.

"I know we're just friends," he told her. "I was hoping you'd feel differently, but I get now that we're better suited as friends." Sighing, he shrugged. "Derek would've kicked my ass anyway."

"Don't let him scare you," she said. "He's not as scary as he seems."

"Unless it has to do with someone who really matters to him," Sam told her, stopping. Pulling his arm away, he faced her. Sticking his hands into his pockets, he stared at her seriously.

"I'm just his step sister, it's not like you went on a date with Marti," she said, chuckling.

Smiling lightly, he shook his head. "Hey, I've known Derek for ten years," he reminded. "And he was never happier than he was when he was dating you."

Casey's smile slowly fell away. "Y-you knew?" she asked, surprised.

Nodding, he smiled briefly. "Derek Venturi with an actual girlfriend; it's not something anyone forgot!"

"Ev-everyone kn-knows?" she stuttered, lifting her hand to her face.

Chuckling, he put his hands on her shoulders to calm her. "Casey, come on. You guys were together for a week. Derek's never been with a girl longer than an afternoon." Laughing, he shrugged. "Plus, the house was packed when you guys broke up."

Blushing, she looked down at the ground.

"After all, there was screaming and crying. Derek's never really cried before, so it was pretty hard to believe." His eyes widened as he shook his head in remembrance.

"Everybody must think we're pretty weird then. Now that we're step siblings," she said, shaking her head. Her eyes were beginning to burn and her throat was closing off.

"You guys met before your parents married," he reminded. "Nobody thought it was weird; they just wondered when you were going to get him back."

"Get him back?" Casey reiterated, her brow fusing together.

"We gave up after a month or so though," he said, shrugging. "I mean," he sighed. "You were the best thing that happened to him. For years, all I heard him talk about was playing the field. He never wanted to settle down; he didn't want just one steady girlfriend. It was crazy, but you changed him over night." Shaking his head in wonder, he laughed. "He even played hockey better; which, believe me, is a hard thing to do. I mean the guy was already a pro."

Chuckling, she shook her head. Her tears slipped down her cheeks, making her smile waver.

Reaching out, Sam wiped her tears away. "I know he made the stupidest mistake, but he really loved you, Casey."

"That doesn't erase it, Sam," she said, shaking her head.

"I know it doesn't." He nodded, frowning. "I really wish things had turned out differently for you two." Smiling, he wrapped his arm back around her shoulder. "You guys really fit up on that Diner wall." Rubbing her shoulder, he walked her back to the car.

Pulling into the driveway, Sam decided to walk her to the door. Halfway up the walk, she turned around and hugged him. "I had fun," she mumbled into his chest.

Smiling, he nodded. "Even though you cried?"

"Cry? Me," she said, shaking her head. Sniffling, she smiled. "Thank you," she told him.

"Any time," he said, running his hand over her shoulder. "I'll talk to you later."

Nodding, she turned back to the door. For a moment, she was sure she saw Derek looking out the window. He probably got the wrong idea from their interaction, but she wasn't about to set him straight. Sam had given her an interesting insight, but it didn't change things.

Walking inside, she made her way up the stairs. Lying down on her bed, she sighed sadly. Her face still felt funny from her crying and her throat was rather raw. Grabbing her borrowed The Used CD from Derek from off her stereo, she put in her discman, and let it play loudly in her ears.

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind, Where worries are washed out to sea, See the changes, people's faces blurred out, Like the sun spots or raindrops

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

Left the only worries I had in my hands, Away from the light in my eyes, Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel, 'Cause feelings mean nothing now

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time, but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind, (yeah today is on my mind)

Now I can't care to worry, I'm feeling so lonely, Breaking apart all this love in my heart

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind, Where feelings mean nothing now

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind, for today is on my mind, yeah today is on my mind

Now I can't care to worry, I'm feeling so lonely, Breaking apart all this love in my heart

Rolling over, she pulled the yellow teddy bear out from under her pillow. Holding it tightly, she let it absorb her tears. She was so tired of crying for him; so tired of missing him.

oTBCo

A/N Thank you for the great reviews. I may post again this evening, or perhaps tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review, I like to know what you think.