Life With Derek: The Secret

o13o

What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face. What would you do?

Staring at him, Casey felt all rational thought leave her mind. She didn't have to run after him, and now she wished she hadn't. Staring back was his broken face; remnants of whatever it was he was feeling burning in his eyes. He had looked much like this three months ago, on these very steps. Only he had been the one chasing her, not the other way around.

Was she really chasing him? What exactly did she need to say to him? She didn't need to apologize; it was completely her right to kiss whoever she wanted to. He had shattered her into little pieces; he had ripped her heart out and stomped on it. He hadn't cared enough to stop himself from making out with some girl in the room of a house she was currently inside.

After all of his showboating of their relationship -taking her to the rink, dancing in the Diner, kissing her in front of everyone- she was nothing more than another notch on his belt. He probably hadn't even been a virgin that night; he was likely saying it just to put her at ease and make her believe she was special. But to him she wasn't special at all; she was just one more girl to add to the bunch.

If that were the case, why was he so upset then? Shaking her head, she stiffened. She was not going to falter; he was not going to make her feel sorry for this. Even if it was a mistake; even if she hadn't meant to kiss Michael. Clenching her jaw, she looked away from his pained face and swallowed the remaining emotion clogging her throat.

What if I fell to the floor? Couldn't take all this anymore? What would you do, do, do?

"Hurts doesn't it?" she stated, rather coldly she thought.

"Dammit Casey," Derek shouted in her face. Though his voice wavered with emotion it was still full of hurt anger.

The once booming party had faltered in its mood, now everyone's interest had turned to the former couple on the stairs; deja vu for them too. The party goers knew not to interfere or make any noise, not unless they wanted to be silenced by Derek, which was never a pretty sight. When he was angry, it was best everyone stay out of his way. Sam's wall was evidence of just how physical Derek could get when enraged and nobody's face wanted to replace the wall as his hitting post.

"You have no right to yell at me," Casey shouted back. "This is all your fault!"

"My fault?" he asked, laughing with scorn. Pointing at himself with both hands, he shook his head indignantly. "I wasn't all over some guy in the upstairs bedroom," he screamed. His face had become darker, both with despair and vehement anger.

"I would hope not; that would just shred your little reputation, wouldn't it?" she accused with annoyance.

"This has nothing to do with my reputation," he told her, loudly.

"It has everything to do with it," she said, glaring. "Everything to do with you has something to do with your reputation," she reminded, vindictively.

"You don't want to talk about it at home, but you're fine yelling about it on the stairs in someone else's house?" he asked, snorting. "That's just rich. I can't get you to talk to me until after I catch you with some guy."

Inhaling deeply, she let it out exasperated. "First of all, you didn't catch me! What I do with anyone else is my business, Derek! Not yours."

Frowning, he glared at her, licking his lips. "Wrong, Case. It's always my business. It always has been and always will."

"No, you're wrong," she told him, lifting an eyebrow. "What I do now has nothing to do with you. Why don't you go make out with some blonde," she screamed, her eyes tearing up.

Casey pictured them again and it made her even angrier knowing that the past still reigned over her so powerfully. She could see it all in her head as if it just finished happening. That stupid smile was on his face as his hands reached up and wrapped around the blonde girl's arm. He didn't look put out with having her there until he realized his girlfriend was standing in the door way.

Casey couldn't believe her eyes. Not once did she think fora moment that Derek would cheat; even after being fed his reputation by Chelsea more times than she could count. She had trusted him, wholly and completely. And there he was; breaking her heart as if it meant nothing.

"You don't even know what happened that night," he said, shaking his head. "You never let me explain!" He shook his head once more, his red-brown hair stayed in perfect place.

"I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened, thanks," she told him, feeling a tear escape her eyes. Reaching up, she brushed it away and continued staring at him through thin eyes. "You just couldn't do it; you couldn't be with one girl. It was too much commitment for the great Derek Venturi," she spat.

Shaking his head, his mouth fell open to respond, but she cut him off, continuing with her tirade.

"Yeah, Der," she mocked, dragging out his nickname and crossing her arms. "Why have one girl when you can have dozens? Why settle for me when you can sleep with every girl who so much as smiles at you? Hell, I'm sure enough of them dropped their skirts just for you, why not let them, right? Who cares if you said you loved me?" she said, icily.

"That's not true," he shouted. His jaw clenched and released, along with his swimming brown eyes that blinked away tears furiously. "You are the only one I've ever made love to; you know that!" he admitted, apparently not caring that the entire party could hear him.

"Yeah, just like you loved me," she said, angrily. "I really believe you," she yelled, sarcastically.

Come... Break me down... Bury me, bury me. I am finished with you

"Casey," Michael's voice came from the top of the stairs, warningly.

Turning his acrimonious face upwards, Derek fixed the boy with a dark and rather scary glare. "I'd suggest you don't speak," he told him, viciously. "Unless you don't want to leave here intact!"

"Don't threaten him," Casey shouted. "He didn't do anything wrong!"

"He did everything wrong," Derek yelled, his fists rounding into fists. "Everybody knows; there is not one guy in the entire school who doesn't know you're off limits!"

"What?" Casey asked, glaring.

Sighing, Derek seemed to pull back for a moment. Realizing he had just told her something she wasn't meant to hear, he turned his face away. "Nothing," he said, shortly. "The point is, he wasn't supposed to be anywhere near you."

"You're not allowed to do this," Casey told him, glowering. "I am allowed to date other people, Derek. You can't stop the entire male population from asking me out."

"Wanna bet?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"We're over," she reminded. "You've moved on, so let me do the same!"

"No," he told her.

"It's been three months, Derek!" she growled, her eyes fell closed for a moment. "You have been the worst jerk possible since I moved in."

"I know that," he said, shrugging. "But you don't understand. I couldn't exactly tell my family what happened."

"Why?" she asked, staring at him pointedly. "Because you were supposed to be the playboy? Right? You weren't supposed to be going steady with anyone. And when it came down to it, you weren't." Shaking her head, she shrugged. "For all I know, that was just the time I caught you!"

"I never cheated on you," he said loudly, sighing. "Before that, I mean. And even then, I can explain!" He stared at her searchingly; there was a hope in his eyes.

Shaking her head, she exhaled slowly. "There is no explanation," she told him. "Nothing you say is going to make it okay!"

"Not okay, but maybe you'd understand why I did it," he tried.

"Don't you get it?" she asked, her voice becoming laced with the emotion of the situation. "I don't want to understand," she told him. "I don't want to care about you! I want you to disappear and stop hurting me."

"I never meant to hurt you," he said, hoarsely.

"And you thought what, exactly? That I would just forgive you for being with her?" she asked, her voice hitching. "That I would just accept that you had been with some other girl and let it go?"

Shaking his head vehemently, he stared at her completely serious. "I was never with her. I swear, I was pushing her away when you walked in."

Laughing indignantly, Casey inhaled a sharp and pained breath. "Right, Derek. You were pushing her away. Like I'm going to believe that."

"I was," he told her, nodding. "I don't even know what her name was!" he shouted, as if it made things more clear.

"Like that's stopped you before," Casey shouted, through angry tears.

Derek grimaced, looking away. "I'll admit that I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I didn't mean for that to happen. I honestly only wanted to be with you."

"But you were with her, and no matter what you say, you can't deny that it happened," Casey reminded, staring him in the eyes seriously. "Why are we even fighting about this?"

"Because you kissed perfect fucking Michael," he reminded, annoyed.

Sighing, Casey looked down for a moment, trying to collect herself. "You know what?" she said, looking up at him; even though she was a step higher than him, he was still taller than her. "Michael and I are friends, that's it. I invited him here as a friend," she explained. "He likes Emily, so I thought it'd be nice for them to hang out."

"And that explains why your faces collided in the bedroom?" he asked, angrily.

"No, and you know I really don't have to explain myself to you, so shut up," she shouted. "Michael and I were talking, about you actually. He was trying to help me through my first night back at Sam's house after what happened last time," she admitted, staring at him with watery eyes. "We didn't mean to kiss, Derek. He was leaning in to kiss my cheek and I turned. It was a complete accident, but I'm glad it happened." Pushing him in the chest, she stepped closer. "Now you know how it feels," she said coldly, brushing past him. His hand on her arm, caused her to stop.

"Alright, so I overreacted when it came to him, but I..." Sighing, he shook his head.

Turning around, Casey stared at him, waiting for an answer. She wasn't completely sure why she was hanging around. She should've left the moment she realized he was angry at all; she didn't have to put up with his irate spurts. Though she'd likely have to hear him when he got home anyway. Her mind was nagging at her, knowingly. Despite how hard she had tried to break away from him, to leave him behind, she just couldn't get past her feelings. But she wasn't going to just bow down and accept what he'd done. He had truly hurt her and she wasn't sure she could forgive him for that.

What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life? What would you do?

"That night," he started, looking away. "I was messed up; I was just really confused. After that kid from the other team had been bugging me all night about you and then coming back here to hear all my friends going off about you, I just had enough." Shaking his head, he sighed. Lifting his hands, he ran them over his face in frustration. "I was jealous alright, and incredibly pissed off."

"Jealous of what, Derek?" she asked, frowning. "I'm not the one who ended up cheating in the end."

"I know," he said, grunting.

Casey knew this was hard for him; expressing emotion never came easily with Derek. She had known it when they were dating and became even more familiar with it when their parents stuffed them into a living situation that was bound to become chaotic. Though he was open with her during their relationship, she was surprised he was able to tell her he loved her. Now, she wasn't entirely sure he was speaking the truth back then, but at the time she knew it had been hard for him to say.

While it was indescribably hard for him to voice his emotions to just her, it must be excruciating to do it in front of an entire room of people. She wasn't about to give him any leniency though; she'd rather it be in public, she didn't have a reputation to uphold. Perhaps it even meant something for him to be able to say how he really felt publicly; without worrying about what people might think of their idol.

"Look Case, I've never had a girlfriend before you, so what was going on was different for me," he tried to explain.

"One thing you don't do is cheat," she said, scathingly.

"Alright, so I knew that one," he admitted. "But at the time, I was a little distracted."

"By her mouth on your neck?" she asked, cocking her eyebrow.

"No, by you!" he shouted. "God, Casey. You don't what it was like back then!" Shaking his head, he sat down on the stairs, staring her in the eyes. Running his hands into his hair, he sighed. "You were all I had! My dad was dating Nora, so all he did was talk about some new family that I didn't want. Edwin and Marti are just little kid's that do what I tell them to. My friends wanted to get in your pants," he growled, glaring at the floor. "Some guy I didn't even know was making stupid references to sleeping with you. And for the first time in my life I actually cared that other people were interested in the girl I was with," he managed to say, honestly. Laughing in resignation, he shook his head. "And you know what wonderful and stunning revelation I had as I completely raged about any guy that even so much as looked at you?" he asked, staring at her pointedly.

Unable to respond, Casey simply waited for him to continue.

"I realized I wasn't good enough for you," he choked out. Lifting his hand, he rubbed his fingers over his eyes, trying his best not to cry. "You had everything," he told her. A smile broke out over his lips, but it was far too filled with pain to be considered warmly reminiscent. "You were the perfect girl. Intelligent, beautiful, and completely confidant."

"You weren't so bad yourself," Casey said, quietly.

Nodding slowly, Derek looked away. "But my reputation preceded me. Not only was I a complete class-A jerk to you in the end, but I didn't help much when we moved in together."

Sighing, Casey didn't reply. The last three months had been a living nightmare. If she wasn't avoiding Derek because she didn't like the burning feelings she felt around him, then she was distancing herself so she wouldn't be hurt by his insults. He could be one very mean bastard when he put himself into it like he did with her. It was as if all those sweet moments they had were all in her head, and instead she was faced with this complete opposite of the Derek she had fallen in love with.

"I picked on you because I couldn't take being near you," he admitted, snorting in self-pity. "I thought if I could force myself to hate you, I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that I never stopped loving you." His eyes fell closed for a moment.

Staring at him, slightly shocked, Casey didn't know how to respond. In the past three months, she had worked herself far past her limit to try and push away the lingering feelings she had for him. She tried her best to forget just how warm it was in his embrace. She begged herself to stop remembering his sweet smile and warm kiss. But her heart won out over her mind, time and time again. She just couldn't let him go; as hard as she tried, she was stuck loving him.

You say you wanted more. What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you...

"I was so worried that one day you were going to realize I wasn't good enough and leave me, that I messed it up before you could." Shaking his head, he wiped at the warm tears under his eyes before anyone else could see them.

Even though Casey was positively shaking, she wanted to reach out and hug him. Suddenly it felt like no time had passed at all and she just wanted to hold him again. To feel him around her, so warm and inviting. To feel his lips against her skin and his arms wrapped around her waist. To sway to their song at the Diner or skate together at the rink. She wished everything hadn't happened; that she could go back and have him like it was before.

Sighing, slowly, he continued with his explanation. "She was just standing there, asking for a kiss," he told her, shrugging. "And I thought, what could it really hurt?" he said it with such an unknowing innocence, that she rather believed he didn't think it could screw everything up. "The next thing I know, we're in a bedroom."

Looking up at her, with red and wet eyes, he sighed shakily. "The entire time, I swear all I could think about was you. How I wanted you to be the one with me or that we'd just gone back to your condo." Shaking his head, he let out a shuddering breath. "And I realized that you were all I wanted, I didn't want to be 'Derek the playboy' anymore. I just wanted to be with you," he told her, quietly.

Letting out a quivering breath, Casey stared at him through blurry eyes.

"But then I saw you standing there; you looked so hurt and I knew that I had done exactly what was expected of me," he told her, clenching his jaw. "I know I can't take that back," he said, softly. "I know I can't make you trust me again and that you'll never love me like you did before." Standing up, he stepped closer to her. "But now you know what happened that night; and I hope you understand that I wasn't doing it simply because I had a rep to hold up." Running his hands down her bare arms, he stared into her eyes.

Casey's breath caught and though she wasn't able to form words, she let him precede with the small but comforting gesture. With him standing so close, Casey couldn't help but inhale the familiar scent only Derek possessed. The warm aroma tickled her senses and though in the past she had tried to figure out exactly what it was that made up the intoxicating fragrance, she hadn't been able to pin point exactly what he did to make it; it was just him.

There had always been something in his dark brown eyes that told her he never truly hated her. When she felt like nothing could get worse, when his hurtful words were at the highest and most painful to hear, all she had to do was look into his eyes and she knew that he was lying. It was hard to decipher for most, when Derek was lying. But if they knew him well enough, they'd know that his eyes said everything about him. They swam with every emotion he so tightly hid from those around him. And in this moment, staring up at him, she knew that he was being completely honest and real with her. He was exposing himself to her with every bit of courage he had left.

Look in my eyes! You're killing me, killing me! All I wanted was you

Derek's fingers reached her wrists, his thumbs brushed over her pulse. Feeling her shiver, he smiled lightly. "Because I can never have you," he whispered. Leaning in, Derek captured her lips. Casey's head tipped up, meeting each brush of his warm and perfect mouth. One of his hands lifted, cupping her cheek. The pad of his thumb ran over her skin slowly, making her smile lightly at the tickling sensation.

Pulling back, he closed his eyes for a moment, leaning his forehead against hers.

Casey's eyes fell shut; she let herself embrace these last moments. She knew what came next; tomorrow meant everything would go back to the way it was. No more Derek and Casey, the relationship that some thought would last forever. It was back to Derek and Casey, the step siblings that hate each other.

Placing a soft kiss beneath her eye, Derek sighed against her face. Casey felt his fingers run through her hair, before he brushed his lips over her forehead and pressed his face against the side of hers. "I'll always love you," he told her, softly. "Don't ever doubt that."

For a moment, Casey let herself remember the night they made love. When he admitted he loved her, he later told her he meant it and that she should never doubt him. Before she could say anything, Derek's hands fell away and he fled from the house; from her and all that they had. Closing her eyes, Casey felt a tear fall when the sound of the door closing reached her ears.

After all this time of pushing each other away and pretending they truly hated each other, it was all for nothing. Their feelings hadn't changed in the least; she still loved him and he'd never stop loving her. Despite the fact that he had truly hurt her, she actually understood why he did what he did. She believed him when he said all he could think of was her and that he really wanted to leave behind his past as a player and just be hers. Even though he had made the biggest mistake possible, Casey knew that he had paid for it.

While Casey had believed for so long that Derek had forgotten all about her and was perfectly fine with what happened, it became painfully obvious that he hadn't gotten past any of it. That he too was holding onto it and wishing things were different. His rude and outright mean behavior had only been his way of trying to stop himself from caring about her; just like how she gave the house a make-over to escape the lingering memories.

Casey's heart yearned for a different outcome; she wanted everything to go back to how it was. Back when her life seemed to be going just right; when she found a smile hidden in everything he did. When all it took was hearing his voice to make her feel happy. She couldn't pretend that she hadn't been the happiest she'd ever been with him; it was too hard to fake that her life was better off without him. After she had broken up with him, she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to feel anything but sadness.

When they moved in together, Casey found refuge in ruining anything he cared about. She vowed to get her vengeance and have him completely begging for mercy. Of course, she never got the latter, but she did manage to anger him and take a few things he cared about away. It was one very bitter battle where neither of them really won in the end. A real win would've been to go back and fix the past.

I tried to be someone else, But nothing seemed to change, I know now, this is who I really am inside

Running her hand over her face and covering her eyes, Casey tried her best not to sob outright in front of a room of basic strangers. Feeling arms around her, she opened her eyes to see Sam hugging her with a smile of reassurance. Walking her out of the main area, he brought her to the dining room and sat her down.

Sighing, he shook his head. "I have to say, when you two come to my parties, you tend to make things pretty dramatic."

Laughing through her sniffles, Casey wiped at her eyes but found the tears kept coming. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice breaking.

"Don't be," Sam said, shrugging. "I'm glad you two finally talked." Chuckling, he tipped his head. "Well, the first part was mostly yelling, but eventually some important things were said."

Exhaling shakily, Casey shook her head. "Everything is so messed up," she muttered.

"Yeah," Sam agreed, smiling. "But I guess things happen for a reason."

"What possible reason could there be for this?" Casey asked, snorting.

"Well, I don't know," Sam admitted, chuckling. "But I'm sure it'll all turn out in the end."

Wiping at her tears again, Casey stared down at the table for a moment. "What if it doesn't? What if we just go back to being step siblings that hate each other?" she wondered, trying to steady her voice.

"Look, if you don't want that to happen, then you've gotta change it," he told her, simply. "It's not like you're going to face much ridicule, if that's what you're worried about. The entire school, save for the girls who really, really wanted to be Derek's one and only, have been rooting for you to get him back for months!"

Chuckling, Casey shook her head. "Exactly how many girls want to be Derek's 'one and only'?" she wondered, smiling.

"I haven't taken a poll, but I'd say it's around sixty or seventy percent of the female population at our school," he said, laughing.

"Well I can see this will be easy," she joked.

Sam shrugged. "Even though they'll be angry you've dashed their dreams at taming the wild Derek Venturi, I'm sure they'll all be annoyingly girly about the whole thing," he tried to reassure.

"Annoyingly girly, huh?" she reiterated with a laugh.

"Yep," Sam said, grinning. "So are you going to try and work things out?"

Sighing, Casey's shoulders slumped. Leaning her chin on the kitchen table, she blew a strand of hair off her face. "I don't know, Sam. I mean, our parents would probably... no they'd definitely freak right out!"

"They don't know the whole story though," he reminded. "So it's not like the two of you have some weird incest thing. You two fell in love before your parents got together and even if you had after, you're not blood related," he said, shrugging. "Everybody knows you and Derek belong together, it's just a matter of you realizing its how its supposed to be."

"How can you be so sure?" she wondered.

Standing up, Sam rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Mac hasn't been wrong in thirty years," he said, winking.

Finally found myself, Fighting for a chance, I know now, this is who I really am

After Sam left, she was joined by Michael and Emily. Sitting down across from her, they smiled sympathetically.

Sighing, Casey sat up and shrugged. "I'm sorry I ruined the night for you two," she apologized.

"You did promise it would be interesting," Michael reminded. "Can't say I've ever had a more interesting night than this."

Emily smiled. "I'm glad you and Derek finally talked."

"You knew too?" Casey asked, surprised. She was fairly sure that her best friend hadn't known anything about it, especially given how much she talked about Derek.

"Of course I knew. Anything to do with Derek is my business," she said, chuckling. Glancing at Michael, she smiled. "Or it was my business, anyway."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Casey wondered.

"It's not like you came out and told me you and he were together once," the knowing girl replied. "Besides, I figured eventually you'd just come out and admit you loved him. Especially with how much I talked about him. I mean, knowing how close you and he were, it must've driven you crazy!"

"It did," Casey admitted. "It bothered me to know that there were other girls in his life. Not that it could really escape my attention with him parading them around in front of me."

"He was probably just trying to get you off his mind," Michael assured. "It's pretty obvious he's still very much in love with you."

"But do you feel the same way about him?" Emily wondered, tipping her head curiously.

"And are you going to do anything to get back together with him?" Michael queried, cocking an interested eyebrow.

Chuckling, Casey looked away from them. "Since when are you guys so interested in my social life?"

"Since it was broadcasted to our entire grade," Emily replied, grinning a saccharine smile. "Look, Casey, if you love him, then go for it."

"Yeah," Michael agreed. "The guy may have some serious jealousy issues, but it's only because he really cares about you."

"He has a few rage problems too," Casey added. "You should see the holes in his wall."

"Or the one in Sam's wall by the door," Emily said.

"That was from Derek?" Casey asked, frowning.

"Yeah, the night you two broke up. After you left, he beat the crap out of the wall." Sighing, she shook her head in remembrance. "It took five of his teammates to tear him away and then he kind of fell into this silent, dazed mode." Emily lifted her hands in a surprised motion. "Sam kept trying to get him to focus but he was completely out of it. Sam stuck Derek's hand in a bowl of ice water, it was bleeding rather badly." Her face fell in a sad expression of emotion. "A few guys thought he should go to the hospital; I mean, he really didn't look too good. He was crying, which was really not like him. The tears just kept rolling down his face but he wasn't making any noise. The party ended pretty quickly and I guess Sam managed to snap him out of it later."

"I- I-" Casey shook her head, swallowing the emotion in her throat. "I had no idea," she said, quietly.

Sighing, Emily shrugged. "There's no question that Derek loves you. We all know he did something incredibly stupid and that you shouldn't just forgive him after what he did. But like we know that, we also know that he was the happiest he'd even been with you. I should know, I've had a crush on him for many, many years!" she reminded, blushing.

"The only thing that matters now is whether or not you're willing to give it another try with him," Michael said, gently. "Nobody is forcing you to go back to him. I think everybody would understand if nothing happened between you two again." Sighing, he reached out and took her hand. "Forget about what everybody else thinks and figure out what you want." Staring at her, he nodded. "Do you want to be with Derek?"

Come... Break me down... Break me down! Break me down!

Casey crept upstairs to her room, able to avoid any questions from her mom or George. Silently changing into her pajamas, she slipped into her bed and stared at the ceiling. There were so many questions running through her mind. She didn't have any answers and part of her was rather scared to know the outcome of her thinking them through.

Did she want to be with Derek? Was she ready to forgive him and give their relationship another chance? Could she face George and Nora? Was she able to explain her and Derek's relationship without making them sound like some absurd problem that their parents had to send them to counseling for? Was she ready to put her heart on the line again?

In sixteen years, Casey's best and worst moments had been shared with Derek. He had lifted her up to the highest of emotions and brought her down to the pits of despair. Mistakes had been made and hearts had been broken. Lives had changed, living arrangements had been altered, and now they were step siblings. But when it came down to whether or not they loved each other, did that matter?

She had given him a chance in the past; when she had known his reputation. They had worked out perfectly, save for his doubts and mistake in judgement. Was she willing to give him another chance, one that could possibly turn out right for both of them? Could she lay her heart on the line once more for Derek? For herself?

What if I? What if I? Bury me! Bury me!

oTBCo


A/N Hey everybody! Okay, so there will likely be fifteen chapters; I'm not sure if that does or does not include Derek's Essay though. The song was "The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars. Thank you all so much for reviewing! I love hearing what you all think. I hope to post again soon. Review! Thanks