Hey everyone! I hope you're doing great.
I'm sorry for the delay, I altered the order in which I normally update my stories.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to review! It really means a lot!!
There's a few more chapters left to this story, so I hope you enjoy it.
Happy reading!
Xoxo,
Nina
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my imagination.
That weekend was definitely a turning point in our relationship, not that we weren't off to a great start, it's just that now we were more solid than ever. More solid that we've even been together and more solid than I've ever been in any other past relationship.
Everyone knows about us now, and when I say everyone I literally mean everyone. Even Kate seemed to have gotten on board regarding us, it was a shock to me when she reached out.
I was tying my shoelaces, ready to leave for the gym. Erin was meeting me there and after we were going out for dinner. Adam had plans with the guys and we weren't seeing each other tonight, in fact it's been a couple of days since we didn't sleep together and to be honest, I kind of missed it. Even though I get to see him every day, it's not the same.
I opened the door to leave and I found her standing there, about to ring the doorbell.
"Hi." That was all I managed to say, I mean, I was not expecting this visit at all.
"Hi, Kim. I'm sorry I just showed up like this." She looked nervous and embarrassed, and although I didn't want to be a bitch, I couldn't help but think that she was there because Adam forced her to.
"Don't worry." Awkward silence. "Um, do you want to come in?" I stepped away from the door giving her some space in case she actually wanted to take the offer.
"Sure. It'll only take a second" She stepped into my apartment shyly and took off her jacket, her eyes were fixed on the picture frame Adam gave me when we were in Michigan. I had it on one of the shelves in my living room. "That's a really cute shot of you guys."
"Thanks." I was dry and I was well aware of that, but it wasn't intentional, I just was as uncomfortable as Kate. "Do you want anything to drink?"
"No, I'm fine. I just wanted to talk to you."
"Listen, Kate. It's alright, we don't really have to do this. I'm gonna kill Adam for making you come here."
"Adam has no idea I'm here. I came out of my own motivation."
"Oh. Ok. Take a seat." I extended my hand signaling the couch, Kate nodded and sat on the edge of it.
"I wanted to apologize for my behavior. It wasn't cool."
"Thanks for that, but it really isn't necessary. I mean, it did make me feel bad but it's your opinion and although I don't like it, I respect it. But since you are sitting here, you should know that things with your brother didn't play out the way you think they did. I never made a move on him while he was with Wendy. I respect him and care about him too much to play dirty like that, especially at that point in which I wasn't really sure what my feelings were. "
"I know that now and that's why I wanted to apologize. I was super disrespectful and I was talking based on nothing, I didn't even know or cared to know about how Adam was feeling then and how he is now." She took a deep breath and looked down. "That weekend I learned so much about my brother's life I had no idea about." I furrowed my eyebrows as I heard what she was saying. As far as I'm concerned those two have a pretty good relationship and they share deep things about their lives.
Kate looked at me and continued talking. "When we went back home, Sam wouldn't stop telling me all these stories about his uncle Adam, how good of a cop he was, how brave he was, all the things he does to help others, some of which had me sick worried about my brother's state of mind." She let a shy chuckle leave her mouth.
"You're not alone on that one." We both laughed, I think that was the first time I had sort of a moment with her.
"I know you were the one who told Sam all those stories." I looked at her attentively, I had no clue where things could go towards now. "My brother loves his job so much, it's such an important part of his life, and I think he's never been with anyone who admired him and believed in him the way you do. The sparkle in his eyes, his good mood, that big bright smile. I can tell he loves you and that you love him too, I can tell he's happy and that's all I really care about."
"I do love him and admire him as a cop and as a person as well."
"I can see that now. I'm sorry I didn't take the time to get to know you before I said all those horrible things."
"Forget about it. Let's just start over, how does that sound?"
"It sounds great!" She gave a big and honest smile that looked very familiar, it was so similar to Adam's. "Maybe we could have dinner or something sometime. I'm sure Jon and Sam would love it."
"I'd love that."
"Before I forget" She paused for a second and started to go through the contents of her bag. "This is for you." She handed me a folded piece of construction paper. When I opened it I found a picture of Sam and me in our snowball fight.
"Awww, this is so adorable. Thank you! Tell Sam I'm leaving it on my fridge."
"I will." She stood up and gathered her things. "I don't want to keep you any longer, but I'm very glad we had this talk."
"Yes, me too. I'm looking forward to that dinner."
"Of course." She came close to me and gave me a warm hug. It was nice to feel that we were starting over and, this time, with the right foot.
I remember telling Adam what had happened and he was as astonished as I was, but the tone of his voice gave away that he really liked his sister's action.
Now that the word about our relationship was out, it was impossible to stop it and to be honest neither of us made any effort to hide it; we would show up to Molly's holding hands, or arrive somewhere separately but leave together. We weren't clingy or corny but we really did enjoy each other's company, it felt natural to be around him.
If I had to use one word to describe it, it would be home. He was my home, my shelter and I really hope I was the same for him. I was just about to learn that I was.
It was one of those nights that I was sleeping alone. At this point, after almost 6 months together, it was rare that we didn't share a bed, but sometimes it happened.
The boys were out on a case, for some reason Voight decided to keep Lindsay and me out of it. Of course we whined and complained about that, but ranking orders were ranking orders and at the end of the day all we could do was nod and be of use in whatever other thing our sergeant asked. So we ended up solving a simple but tiring case that popped up and Voight handed that over to us to keep us entertained.
I got home at around nine, jumped into the shower and got ready for bed. I put my hair up in a messy bun, one for Adam's old t-shirt and his boxer shorts to match. If he wasn't going to use his clothes tonight then I would. Before hitting the mattress I had a glass of red and after that it took no longer than 15 minutes for me to be sound asleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night, that was strange, I never did that unless I was feeling bad or if I was very nervous or worried about something. This time was different, this time it was my sense of smell that woke me.
When I was 16 years old I had this wonderful art teacher who once told us about scent and how people were attracted to each other's scent, and how when you were in love with someone you had some sort of connection with that scent. I never truly got what she said, I thought she meant perfume and cologne, but she was talking about skin chemistry. She was talking about our natural scent, about our essence. Right now, in the middle of the night and 15 years later I finally understand the connection she was talking about.
I rolled over in bed with my eyes closed and stretched my hand across his side of the bed but it was empty, I knew he was there though and if he wasn't then tomorrow I'm calling the psychiatrist because something must be really wrong with me.
"Adam?" My voice was almost a whisper and full of sleep.
"Hey, baby." He said softly as he carefully pushed the sheets back so he could get in bed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." I was still half asleep. Zombie me didn't realize that this was the first time my boyfriend was showing up to spend the night spontaneously. He had a spare key to my house just in case, but he never used it without asking me before. No, I'm not complaining, I love the fact he did that, it just wasn't the norm.
"It's fine." For you to get an idea of just how asleep I was, I didn't even kiss him. I just curled up to his side and wrapped one arm around his waist. In response he held me tight against his body and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. "What time is it?"
"Three, I think. I'm not sure my phone went dead."
"Three?" I sat up quickly breaking out of our embrace. Yup, that's when I finally woke up. "Wait, you were working. You weren't coming tonight. What happened? Are you ok?" My hand went to his face as if trying to evaluate his physical condition, it was completely out of instinct because the room was pitch black and I couldn't see shit.
"I'm fine." He sounded tired, sad and troubled. He was not ok. I reached for the lamp on my nightstand with my other hand to get some dim lighting, I wanted to see him. He looked attentively as I examined his face and torso, since of course he slept only with his underwear on. His eyes looked just as he sounded, but apparently he was ok physically. I ran my hand through his face and pressed my lips to his.
"Are you sure?"
"I am. I'm just tired."
"Hard case?"
"I don't want to talk about it now, is that ok? I just really needed to come home to you." The typical livelihood in his tone was missing, instead now it was broken and defeated and it was tearing me apart.
"Yeah. We can talk about it later." I didn't know what to say to comfort him, so I kind of swiveled around that topic. I switched off the lamp and laid down on my bed again. This time his arm wrapped my waist and his head rested on my chest, while I did my best to cradle him and help him relax a bit. "You know? It was really nice to wake up and find you in my room."
"It's nice to be here with you. I love you, Darlin."
"Love you, too." I started to rub his back and felt how his muscles relaxed. "Get some rest, ok?" I felt his head nod against me and slowly began to brush his hair with my fingers until his breathing was deep and steady. He was asleep.
The sound of my alarm was deafening, I looked for my phone quickly so I could turn it off and put an end to this torture. I looked to my side and Adam was there, his hand was in full contact with my stomach, it seems he managed to slide it under my, well his, shirt while he was asleep. The expression on his face was much softer than yesterday and he must have been really tired because the sound of my alarm didn't disturb him at all. I slowly shifted in bed, careful not to wake him up and headed towards the bathroom.
When I took a proper look at my phone I saw I had two missed calls from Atwater and a voice note, too.
Hey baby girl, what's up?. I'm just checking in on Ruze. We were all pretty shook last night, but I think he took it a bit harder. He told me he was going straight home and I've been trying to call but it goes straight to voicemail. Can you let me know if you hear about him?
If I felt like my heart was tearing apart yesterday, now it feels like it's twisting under my chest. I know how pure and sensitive his soul is, but having him as my pillar, seeing him so strong and supportive all the time, made it hard for me to watch him fall like that, but I was determined to be there for him and to be his home and shelter just as he is for me.
I instantly replied to Kev's message letting him know that Adam was at my place and thanking him for checking up.
I wasn't supposed to be at the district for another three hours, so I headed over to the kitchen and got breakfast ready, although that was Adam's specialty I really wanted to do something to pamper him a bit and maybe get him to open up about yesterday, only if he was ready to and if it helped to make him feel better.
When I walked into the room I found an empty bed and the bathroom door ajar, the water spraying in the shower and hitting the tiles on the floor was the only sound there. I put the tray with our food on the bedside table and climbed back into bed, although the idea of jumping in the shower with was way too tempting.
"Morning." He stepped out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped around his waist and little droplets of water were still sliding down his shoulders. Damn, he definitely was the hottest guy alive. "Sorry I just showed up last night." He went and grabbed a pair of boxer shorts from his designated drawer.
"Adam, you can just show up any time you want." He looked at me with a lopsided smile on his face but said nothing else. "Now come to bed and let's have breakfast together. At what time do you have to be in the district today?"
"Noon I think. I'm not sure, I have to check with Voight." He went over to his side of the bed and gave me a sweet kiss. "I would stay here the whole day though."
"You know you're welcome to." I leant closer to him and left a kiss on his cheek, before setting the breakfast tray between us and handed him his cup of coffee, steaming hot and black.
"Thanks. You didn't have to bring me breakfast in bed." A bowl of fruit to share, breakfast burritos and two mugs of coffee were waiting for us.
"I didn't, but I wanted to." He was staring at my eyes so deeply as if he wanted to say something without words. I cupped his face with one hand and instantly felt the weight of his head leaning against it. He was vulnerable, but he had the certainty that he could feel like that right in front of me and that's when I understood those words he had said to me once, he was strong, he was brave, he was absolutely beautiful and vulnerability just accentuated each one of those assets, it just made me respect him so much more. "Eat, it's gonna get cold." I said with a soft chuckle trying to pop the bubble my mind was wrapped in.
He took a bite from the burrito and his eyes widened. "Where did you get these from? They're great!"
My jaw was unable to drop any lower and my face was trying its hardest to look offended by that comment. "Adam Ruzek, that's insulting. I made them."
"You didn't."
"Yeah, I did. See? I am an amazing cook and there you were not believing me all this time." He laughed but didn't let go of his burrito.
"Shame on me." He was still chewing as he tried to speak and his hand looked for mine until he finally found it and held it tight. "Thank you."
"Stop thanking me, it's just some food."
"No, it's not just food. It's everything. It's your support, it's how you take care of me, how you call me out on my shit, it's you being there for me, it's you helping me be a better man." His voice was starting to break as he kept talking, I'm guessing that's why he stopped and I'm guessing that's why I tried to joke our way out of a difficult conversation.
"Really? I do all that?" He chuckled, that was exactly what I wanted. My eyes were locked with his and my fingers went to find the familiar roughness of his stubble as they gently scratched it. "You know all the times I tell you that I love you? I really mean it. And as much as it breaks me to see you struggle like this, I like being here for you and I'll do it every single time."
"Yesterday was awful."
"Do you wanna tell me what happened?"
"This guy had kids working for him. Tender age kids who he had kidnapped and now had almost as his slaves. The abuse these children were put through, mental and physical, I don't want to go into the details, but I swear I never saw something like that before." He took a deep breath and looked down. "You know what the worst part was?" I almost shot one of them." I saw as one shy tear rolled down his cheek and I put the tray aside only to be able to move closer to him. My arm enveloped his shoulders and his head found a place on my chest. "They started shooting before we got in and I pulled my piece out and aimed, I had the shot, Kim, I was going to go for it. I was going to kill a little kid."
"But you didn't. Don't you think that counts for something?"
"The only reason I didn't was because Jay stopped me. He realized they were children and I didn't. How the fuck did I miss that? What kind of cop does that make me?"
"Adam, you did what anyone would have done. We're trained to react like that to save our lives."
"Well, it's shitty training. What if I had killed him?"
"It would have been horrible, but it would have been a clean shot. Adam, please, I know the person you are, there's no chance in hell you would've fired that gun if you weren't certain that either your life or anyone else's was on the string."
"Their lives were on the string."
"And you helped them get their lives back, didn't you?"
"You don't get it."
"I do. And I'm not trying to reduce or minimize what you're going through right now. I really understand and if I were you I would be feeling exactly the same. But baby, you have to forgive yourself for that. You didn't do anything wrong it doesn't matter if it was because of Jay, the bottom line is that you didn't fire your gun and I'm sure that next time you're in a similar situation you're gonna double check everything and you won't make any calls unless you're sure and that's what life's about, babe." My hand moved a strand of hair from his forehead. "That being said, you should take all the time you need to process this and I'll be here to hug you and to reassure just how good you are."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"What if I'd have done it? What if I'd have killed that boy, what would you think of me? Would you still think that I'm a good person, a good cop?"
"First of all, it doesn't matter what I think or what anyone thinks, what's important it's that you can make peace with it. Secondly, if something like would have happened I would be worried trying to figure out how to pull you out from that massive guilt hole you're burying yourself in, but it wouldn't change what I think about you. Baby, it wasn't intentional." I cupped my hands around his face and made sure he was looking at me. "Please, don't punish yourself like this."
"Every time I close my eyes I see his face, Kim. He was about Sam's age."
"I'm sure that case was really appalling, but try to focus on the fact that you helped to solve it and you made a positive difference in those kids' lives. Please, don't beat yourself up." He sighed and placed a hand on my thigh stroking it lightly.
"I'll try."
"That's good enough for now."
"Can I stay here tonight?"
"What kind of question is that? I wasn't planning on getting you out of my sight." A little smile appeared on his face. "Of course you can stay."
