Detentions for Vermin
AN: No, this is not an update , it's all in your head.
"….and then he started crying! Like a bloody banshee-spawn! He says—ahaha—he says 'Oh, Alice! Oh my darling Gal , why , why!' and then this HUGE and I mean sodding humongous bogey just slides out of his nostril—" She laughs. "Aha hahhahahhahah hahahh—"
"Just give it up already, Pipi!" Please Merlin, this is the fiftieth bloody time, is there no sodding mercy, huh? " Doesn't the story get bloody old!" So I admit , it's a bit strange, watching a handsome and rugged fellow like myself yelling across my compartment and into the adjacent one at a couple of preadolescents, but she asked for it! I don't even remember that bloody incident.
"No" she sneers "It doesn't , Professor"
"Oh, hush up , you" Of course this isn't what I really said , but I imagine the immense force of such anger would melt your brains, making a rather detestable puddle of useless fluids around your carpet, and no one wants that(it's an impossible stain, that is.)
Anyway, it shut her up, her great sperm-whale sized mouth scrunched up in a unbecoming scowl , or perhaps it was in shock , but do I care? Nay.
"Now Mister Kevin, was it?"
"It's Miss Evans you codge—"
"It seems your rather loud cackling is disturbing my sensitive ears,"
"So what—"
"I'm afraid I must assign a detention to fix this problem of yours, Sir Kevin"
"A detention? You bloody pompous bastard—"
" Now boy, here's a word of advice, from a friend to a…uh…pest, learn some manners, and respect your teachers"
She snorted , that sodding cow had the nerve to snort in my face " That's a bit 'o hypocrisy , innit? Coming from you of all people"
"Oh dear, perhaps another detention will straighten out those twisted beliefs of yours, Kevin"
"Evans , you—you—Agh!"
"Oh that's right!" I adore the fact that my ability to destroy the wit of all and any form of female has remained intact throughout all this time "Your name's Kevin Evans , how rude of me"
"These cheap jokes are getting old rather quickly , sir" She's so bloody annoying! What with her mocking tones and snickering posse , don't those codgers have lives?
"And your accent seems to have an expiration date, Miss" Agrippa, I'm brilliant! Utterly mind-bogging, I hadn't even thought of that—well I guess I must've , but hey it was quick thinking, eh?
Then the ghastly (but somewhat attractive) spawn of whoring demons does something that is quite…..uh….feminine and odd for such an unlikely candidate. She blushes.
Her posse quiets as they realize that I am right and that the posing cockney is no longer sneering, it's an amusing sight. The girl from before whose voice resembled a nasal McGonagall was looking longingly at each individual as if begging for any meager phrase she could echo, what was her name? Dorky? Whatever. The rest weren't much better , but they kept their sneers in place at least to keep up appearances.
"Well—well that's bull—"
"SHITAKE MUSHROOMS!" The trolley-witch (I call her that for more than just her occupation , the poor dear does have a rather uncanny resemblance to her trolley, with her colossal ars—
"Arsenic! No dear, I have none of that. However I have a vast collection of shit—"
"OW!"
"Ooh! I'm sorry dear I really should watch myself when I turn corners—" she narrowed her eyes as they landed on me , holding onto the now crippled leg she'd pulverized with her massive…uh…cheeks.
"James Potter!" her nostrils enlarged , letting out a vast cloud of thick smoke "I thought I was done with you!"
Lily chuckled , I turned my head towards her and barked " Shut up , you! I don't want to hear—"
"DON'T SHOUT AT THE STUDENTS!" the trolley-witch screeched "I suppose Sirius Black (she spat this part with more viciousness than an acid pop) is here with you as well"
"Umm—uh , I mean…no mam" I sighed , fruitlessly attempting to meek-ify myself (which is a rather impossible task, I might add , since my handsomely-ness is so immense that even if I was meek , no one would believe me ) "He—uh—has a j-job"
"And you don't?" she hissed "I suppose you've come to beg for work , then?"
"I-I have—"
"Well I'm sorry to say (of course this was said in a tone that suggested she felt nothing of those remorseful emotions) that the last opening was filled about three days ago" she smirked , "What a shame."
Cordelia (trolley-witch) turned back to Evans, (whom was wearing a painful-looking smirk on her mug) "Now dear, would you like some of these?" she inclined the plate in her hand to show her the 'food' that more looked like wads of fried dung predating Merlin.
"Uh…" the adolescent demon articulated " Don't you have anything else?"
"What? You don't like these?"
"No! No , it's not that." She put her hand on the elder witch's forearm "It's just uh….I'm craving some pumpkin pastries"
"Oh, well then, here you go dear. Last ones"
"Oi! Wait!"
"What?"
"Uh-uh well I-I j-just—"
"Dearie, with diction like that, you would've never gotten a job here"
"But I did!"
"What do you mean by that?"
"I'm the new Defense against the Dark Arts professor."
"Really?" I nodded , watching her look more and more disheartened by the second "Oh , bollocks"
Gasp. "Cordelia!"
"Shut up Mister Potter. I'm only going to deal with you twice a year" she began wagging her index finger in front of my face " In that time I want no more rhymes, ballads, songs or poems dedicated to my rather large lower-backside anatomy, got it?"
"Yes, Cordelia. But what about—"
"No clever jigs either. Here, eat." She sighed , tossing a plate of 'mushrooms' in my direction.
"Thanks."
The elderly woman narrowed her eyes and sighed again, turning back to the opposite compartment where Evans was sitting with the rest of her posse.
"Bye dears."
"Bye Cordelia!" they chorused, identical angelic smiles plastered across every imitation-cockney cheek.
Sigh. Bloody hypocrites.
I closed the compartment door, surveying the plate across my seat with a somewhat disgusted and curious expression. It started mewing. For some odd minutes I pondered on the question that had me most puzzled, should these so called 'shitake' mushrooms mew so contently? I did not know , (Gasp as you will , you must understand I do not know everything) for the nature of these 'vegetables' was unfamiliar to me. However , I knew I was victim to some foul play when the burnt shit took flight to my calf and began to hump it vigorously.
Thump. Thump. Thumpitythumpthump. Mew.
"WHAT THE BLOODY SODDING HELL?"
Obviously, this is a bogus attempt by some love-sick fan to grab my attention. Pathetic. Don't they know I would be just as impressed if they had shown me their womanly features? Who would be idiotic enough to hex my bloody foo—
"EVANS!"
OoO
Her shoes squeaked on the corridor floor. I can't imagine why, they were bloody dirty, the floors not the shoes. There should not have been any sound but the swish of my cloak billowing around me in an attempt to expand my mysterious appeal and my shiny new shoes tapping on the floor.
Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaak.
"For the love of Merlin's Y-fronts , Evans!"
"What?"
"Stop that malicious squeaking!"
Snicker. Snicker. Snicker.
Sigh.
I knew I should've never returned to this place. The fact that I was bloody relieved when I walked out of Hogwarts as a graduate should've given me the best sodding clue , Never return Potter, never! But I just had to, didn't I? ' couldn't just shag sagging arses for a living, could I ? Oh nooo, James Potter has too much dignity for that!
"Professor Potter?"
"Uh-um…wha…oh , yes?" I ran a hand through my hair.
"Is there any particular reason you are wringing your cloak?"
"Oh, uh….no, Professor McGonagall. Just a tick, is all" I throw a stray glance at Evans and tighten my grip on the fabric.
She sneers . Cocky twat. Ahahaha ahahaha, pun.
"It's Minerva now , Mister Potter."
Ahhh, Minnie, she always had a soft spot for me , I was the Transfiguration prodigy after all.
"Sure Minnie." I give her my Quidditch-Marvel smile , bet you she's melting , go on , bet me, she'll be sneaking up to my rooms in an hour's time.
"Minerva!"
Right, well then, she's ancient anyway.
She smoothes back her immaculate bun, I suspect there must be some saliva expelling glands imbedded in her palms , I've seen her pull this move before , when her bun is disarrayed and in chaos (meaning some rebellious fringe has escaped the threshold), and all those freedom fighters always return to normal circumstances.
"Was there something you wished to speak to me about , Professor?" Do I detect a hint of pride in that tone? Awwwww, Minnie!
"Yes actually, I wanted to know when it was possible for this young transsexual" I signaled Evans(whom looked shocked for some reason) "and her pets" I pointed out the pathetic codgers dodging behind a single midget Knight, "to begin their three detentions"
Minnies's eyes widened and she turned to Evans "You were a man?"
Evans shook her head passionately "No—never, Professor McGonagall"
I sighed "You can imagine he/she does not want this new to get around, Minnie"
She nodded absentmindedly "That I do" she smoothed her hair "It's Minerva"
"Of course"
"Oi! Wait, I am not a man—"
"Of course you aren't dear" Minnie said quickly , murmuring out of the corner of her mouth "At least not anymore"
"I heard that!"
"Heard what , Miss Evans?"
She fumed silently .
Minnie turned to me , her expression neutral again "They can begin their detentions as soon as lessons commence. So, as of tomorrow"
"Thank you, uh…Minerva"
"It's my pleasure" she stated walking away a that brisk pace of hers until she seemed to remember something and turned back around with a steely gaze "I'm very disappointed in you, Miss Evans. You are Head Girl after all" she looked behind the Knight and said "You too, erm..…students."
"Good Day , Minerva!"
………..
"Come underdeveloped, I shall escort you to the feast"
MUAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaha!
AN:
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