((A.N. When I asked you last chapter which character you wanted to see more of, Draco won by a mile. Unfortunately, we couldn't fit him in this chapter, but it's almost all Draco/Hermione next chapter. Snape is our personal favorite, as you've probably realized. We put him in almost every chapter. Two things: this story is very Americnized and we're sorry about that, it's just that we know nothing about Britian. Second: we have been and will be making fun of numerous American celebrities, political figures, and companies, but don't get us wrong. We love Dr. Phil. And one more thing. This story is definitely, 100 not co-written. I just have multiple personalities.))

Chapter 5; Ten Things They Hate About Potter

"Seven days," Ginny hissed.

She was reading the expiration date on the potion Snape had given her.

The potion did not have a name. It was labeled with a single question mark. She got the feeling that it was not a Ministry approved potion.

She uncorked the potion, staring moodily into the crackling flames.

What do I have to lose? Ginny thought. Lightning flashed in the background and freaky music started playing again.

She read the back of the potion and had to squint. It was in extremely small print.

"Ingredients: textodextorin(blowfish toxin), petrol, raw liver, cyanide, baking soda, cobra venom, basilisk eyes, old seafood, unicorn blood, scorpion tails, liquid carbon monoxide, mercury, butter . . ."

Ginny gasped. "I can't take this potion! The saturated fat content is harmful to my health! Besides, it'll make me fat!"

She reconsidered her options. Snape had said it was "the answer to all of her problems." Does that include weight loss, too? Without thinking about it, she took a chug of the thick, cement-like potion.

She swallowed it.

Nothing happened.

Or so it seemed.

The electromagnetic charges in the atmosphere collided, which resulted in an abundance of negative particles. Lightning flashed, thunder boomed, rain lashed against the windowsill, and the window shattered. The unstoppable forces of air, water, fire, and earth banded together in a tumultuous and awe inspiring explosion of light and sound.

A lightning bolt split Ginny in two like a malicious dagger.

In the torrential cataclysm, Ginny split into two separate beings by the forces of nature. Good and evil, light and dark, man and woman, yin and yang, Democrat and Republican, Israel and Palestine, cat and dog, Communist and Capitalist, AOL and A Reliable Internet Service.

There were two Ginnys. Except there weren't. Except there were.

"Who are you?" said Ginny #1.

"I'm you," said Ginny #2.

"You're me?" replied Ginny #1.

"No . . . I'm you, but you are not me."

"So you're me but I'm not you?"

"No! You are you, but I am not me."

"Then who are you?"

"Me, of course!"

"But you just said you weren't you!"

"No! I said I wasn't me!"

"But if you are not me, but I am you, then the logistics of me being you are more likely than you being me, because technically, if I'm you then you're not necessarily–"

"Shut up," Ginny #2 hissed. "I'm going to kill Potter and that's all you need to know."

"Who are you?" asked Ginny #1.

"Are you frightened?"

"Yes."

"Not nearly frightened enough," Ginny #2 cried, before whirling out the door.

"No! Where are you . . .?"

It had happened at last.

The Parting of the Ways.

Ginny had been split into identical twins . . . Good Ginny and Evil Ginny.

Good Ginny had to find a way to kill herself. Literally.


Ron awoke an obscure amount of minutes later.

He struggled to remember what happened to him. Then one solitary phrase came back to him.

"Flea-bitten plebeian . . ."

He had been decimated. By an indecent piece of beef.

Ron looked at his surroundings tentatively. He was standing on a barren desert plain, and the wind gusted in a lonely fashion across the sandy dunes. It seemed that the blast from the explosion had carried him all the way to the Sahara Desert.

There was a lone cactus standing in front of him, which was undoubtedly mocking him. Mocking him. MOCKING HIM!

He incinerated the cactus fit of anger, before realizing that it would probably have been a good source of water.

Ron saw a dinner plate on the horizon. It was a rather large dinner plate, and he took a moment to contemplate the fact that there was no food on it. It looks a bit like the one that Mum used on Christmas to carve the turkey, except that this one is twirling around like a merry-go-round, and now there's this pretty pink light . . .

The dinner plate abducted him. Rather an odd business, this dinner plate, was the last thing he remembered thinking, before blacking out.


Snape was reading the newspaper.

It was not amusing him.

Is Somebody Trying to Kill Potter?

An abandoned orphan who fights for justice. The champion of those who cannot defend themselves. The Savior of the World. Harry Potter seems like a pretty likeable guy, right? But what do people really think about Harry Potter?

"The question of late is not, 'Who is trying to kill Potter?'" says private investigator Percy Weasely, "it is rather, 'Who is not trying to kill Potter?"

We have complied a list of everything we dislike about the valiant hero.

The ten things we hate about Potter:

10. "He beat me at a Quidditch game for the world cup! Beat me, he did!" – Viktor Krum

9. "He broke up with me . . . on our anniversary!" – Hermione Granger

8. "I am an angst-ridden teenager, my pain is too deep for Potter to understand. NO ONE understands me, least of all Potter! He's made it worse, and-" – Draco Malfoy

7. "I was bullied as a child." – Severus Snape.

6. "He is bigheaded, arrogant git who thinks that he is the King of the Universe! And he called me fat!" – Cho Chang

5. "I am an Evil Twin. I must live up to my reputation by killing Potter." – 'Evil' Ginny

4. "We are attempting to assassinate Potter in order to obtain the 500 million Galleons that his great Uncle Eulfrid left behind. Our next plan is the best one yet." – Lucius Malfoy

3. "What he said." – Peter Pettigrew (Isn't he supposed to be dead?)

2. "Harry gets everything that he wants just because he is famous and he is Potter! What does his unappreciated sidekick get? Nothing! I have gone over to the dark side! Next time we meet, Potter, you're mine!" – Ron Weasely

P.S. "Not like that."

1. "I am evil." – Voldemort, Lord of the Dark

It seems to us as if this Harry Potter is a pretty hateable guy-

Snape closed the paper with a snap.

He had never been bullied as a child.

Suddenly, Potter strutted in pompously

"Good day professor!" Harry said carelessly, "I believe I had an appointment today!"

Snape gave him an icy black glare.

He did not remember Potter making an appointment.

"I take it you read the paper this morning. Pretty hilarious, huh?" Potter questioned loudly. Snape swore under his breath. "I find it hilarious how much attention the media puts on me! What a funny article! Ha! People trying to kill me? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard . . ."

"Do you have a particular reason to be here today, Potter?" Snape interrogated.

"Oh, you're such a comedian," laughed Harry, and held up one of Snape's prized wine bottles. "How old is this wine? Fifteen years?" He popped it open with an anonymous cork screw. "I know you won't mind if I take a little sip."

Snape started fingering the knife in his robe in an agitated manner.

"So about my appointment . . ." Harry said casually, "you should have seen it the other day, Professor. There were a couple of trees in the Gryffindor Common Room, and a big red X . . ."

Snape stopped listening. His eyes remained on the wine bottle.

" . . . trees jumped out the window . . . demon on ceiling . . . Lucius in cage . . . riding on giant squid . . . twin detonators . . . obscene piece of beef . . . explosion and merpeople . . .!"

"It seems that you have not been taking the medication I prescribed to you," Snape said dryly, twirling the knife in his hands. "Let me . . . renew it."

He pulled out a vile of rattlesnake venom. Harry grabbed it without looking at it.

"Why, thanks, Professor!"

"Let me explain your problem to you," Snape started in a deceptively soft tone. "You are only metaphorically sitting in my office right now. Do you understand what I am saying?"

"No," Harry said blankly.

"Get out," hissed Snape.

"Well, I don't really think I–"

He levitated Harry out the window.

That was that.


He'd always wondered what the inside of a dinner plate looked like. Ron observed nonchalantly that the walls were a rather tacky shade of pink.

A small green creature came up to him.

"We come in peace," it said mechanically. He considered his situation for a moment. Perhaps he had been shrunken to the size of a bacteria, and now one was talking to him. That would explain why the dinner plate looked so big. He took a moment to contemplate the philosophical repercussions of this.

The bacteria gave him water.

He came to his senses an obscure amount of minutes later. He was no longer delirious. The bacteria was staring at him in rapturous fascination.

It was not a bacteria. He had been abducted by aliens . . . gay aliens, or so it would seem. Perhaps they merely had a fetish for pink.

"What is your business with me?" Ron interrogated.

"We are conducting research on the male anatomy of the human body," the alien/bacteria said with zealous smile. So it was a gay ship.

"We will be conducting our research later. For now we are searching for the Chamber of Amon Ra in Nigeria. We will be back."

The aliens aborted the ship, and Ron quickly obliterated his bonds.

He smirked demonically. Now it was only a matter of time before Potter met his inevitable demise. He would hijack the ship and fly it to Hogwarts where he would eliminate Potter with the push of a button.

At last, he had found a big enough weapon.

((A.N. Next time: Draco and Hermione finally get some action, Lucius cooks up a plan even worse than his last one (yes, that is actually possible), that involves a crocodile, a mop, a curling iron, and of course, a cannon. And what is Snape doing in a nunnery?))