AN: Here's another chapter (and the last for the weekend).
If you didn't read the other two from today or the four from yesterday, please read them before you read this one. Don't forget to let me know what you think of them!
I hope you enjoy this one. There's much more to come, but I ran out of time/weekend. Please don't forget to let me know what you think!
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Chakotay saw the moment that Kathryn blanched completely and reached for the biobed. He stepped forward and caught her around the ribs, holding her against the very real possibility that she was about to lose consciousness.
As was her normal practice—and part of what made her a wonderful and beloved captain—Kathryn had put Carol's needs before even dealing with her own situation. She needed to see that the situations of her friends, family, and crewmembers were all dealt with before she concerned herself with what was going on in her own life. From Carol's first loud protest against everything she feared occurring, Kathryn had forgotten that she even had a part in this. From the moment her forcefield had vanished from existence, she'd been focused solely on what any and all of them needed to do in order to see Carol into a mental space where she could handle her situation.
Kathryn swayed, but she was absolutely at no risk of falling. Chakotay would have no problem keeping her on her feet.
"I'm fine," she said after a second. It was barely perceptible and she put her hands over his to somewhat push them away from her body. He released her, but he immediately disliked the gesture. His stomach twisted in response.
He didn't know what to say, or any of the details of how they were going to handle this situation, but what he did know was that he didn't want it to begin with her pushing him away—not even as a request that he remove his hands from their position of support.
Kathryn reached her hand up and rubbed at her forehead as she sighed. The gesture was indicative that she had a headache and was usually a clear sign that she felt overly stressed about something. Chakotay couldn't remember her touching her head like that since they'd been stranded on the planet. She hadn't even had a stress headache the day that she and Carol had killed one of the large cats with nothing more than sharpened sticks and fierce determination—not letting Daryl or Chakotay know that the animal had come after them until it was dead.
"Doctor—I have to debrief the senior officers," Kathryn said. "Can I count on you, and everyone here, for discretion?"
"Of course, Captain," Kes said quickly.
"Of course," the doctor confirmed. "Doctor-patient confidentiality is in my program."
Kathryn hummed and nodded.
"Please see to it that you're…loyal to your programming at this time? Of course, Carol and Daryl are free to share their personal news at any time, and in any way that they see fit, but…"
"The same courtesy will be extended to you, Captain," the doctor assured her.
"Won't tell nobody," Daryl said.
"Kathryn?" Carol asked.
It was all she needed to say to express exactly what Chakotay was feeling and what Daryl's expression said he was feeling. Everyone had something to deal with, but they'd been through a great deal together. They'd planned—sincerely planned—to live out their lives together under conditions that would require them to be wholly dedicated to one another. Even as she was only beginning to calm from her own crisis, Carol wanted reassurance that Kathryn was fine or, at the very least, was better than she suddenly seemed to be.
Kathryn gave Carol a reassuring smile that was all but truly reassuring.
"I'm fine," she assured her, reaching a hand out to pat Carol's leg affectionately. "I can't—I can't put off this debriefing any longer. I need to find out where we are. What's taken place in my absence. Doctor—may I be released and reinstated as captain?"
"You're fine, Captain," the doctor said. "You're ready to take over when you would like, and you're free to go. I would prefer that you report to sickbay tomorrow. I would like to examine you to create a baseline for your prenatal care. We can discuss any concerns you may have, as well."
Kathryn simply nodded her head at him to confirm that she would do as he asked—and Chakotay would make sure that she did, even though he didn't say as much to the EMH—and then she left sickbay without saying anything to Chakotay or anyone else.
She was fastening her jacket, which had hung loose since she'd stepped out of her forcefield, as she hit the corridor. Chakotay followed behind her without a word to anyone.
"Are we not going to talk about this, Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, as he stepped forward to match steps with her. She was trying to move so quickly that she was practically running. There was no emergency, as far as any of them knew, and nothing on the ship would indicate the need for any such rush. Still, Kathryn was practically on the verge of stepping into a full run.
"I can't talk about this here," Kathryn said.
Perhaps the middle of the corridor wasn't the best place to discuss things. Chakotay accepted that, but he still kept pace with Kathryn. He waited into they were on the turbolift, and then he firmly commanded that the turbolift stop to allow them a moment of privacy.
"Nobody can hear us here, Kathryn," Chakotay said.
"What do you want me to say?" Kathryn asked.
"I feel like you've been asking me that a lot," Chakotay said sincerely. He swallowed down against the ache in his chest. He didn't like the atmosphere surrounding them. He didn't like the fact that he'd nearly had to run Kathryn down to talk to her. He didn't care for the fact that, even now, she was staring at him somewhat hollowly. "I want you to tell me the truth. Just this morning—even though it feels like it was a years ago—you said that you loved me."
"I do," Kathryn said quickly and defensively, stepping toward him and bringing them close enough to touch. At least there was that. At least her reaction was genuine. It made Chakotay feel better.
If her genuine, knee-jerk reaction was to insist that she loved him and seek him out physically, then that's what she meant. The rest of it—whatever that might be—was "Captain Janeway" trying to figure out how she should force herself to act in a situation for which she was unprepared.
Chakotay caught her by the upper part of her arms and squeezed.
"We said we were going to tell them at the debriefing that we discovered our love for one another on the planet," Chakotay said. "We said that we weren't going to hide it and we weren't going to make it something awkward. We would simply tell them that—during our time there, and when we were sure that we were going to spend our lives together there, we realized that we wanted to spend our lives together in every way possible."
Kathryn's lip quivered and Chakotay, suddenly mindful that her body was actually processing more than he'd ever imagined it might be when they'd talked that morning, didn't hold the threatening tears against her. He caught her chin gently with his fingers and then he leaned his head to gently kiss her. She returned the kiss, though she still looked quite bothered when he pulled away.
"We said we would tell them," Kathryn said.
"You still want to?" Chakotay asked. "I don't want to push, Kathryn. I don't mean to push. But—I don't want to lose you. And I've never been more afraid of anything than I am, right now, that you're pulling away from me as we speak."
"I want to tell them," Kathryn said.
"At the debriefing?" Chakotay asked.
"At the debriefing," Kathryn echoed. She smiled at him. He could see a little dampness shining in her eyes, but the smile was sincere. She touched his face and made a sound like an "oh" that he wasn't supposed to hear—a simply affectionate sound. It did wonders for untangling the knots that were forming in his chest. "I want them to know that I love you, Chakotay."
"We love each other," he said, catching her hand at his cheek and pulling it around to kiss her palm. She nodded her head.
"I'm afraid of what they'll say," Kathryn admitted.
"Everyone will be happy for us," Chakotay promised her. He hoped he was right. "We'll tell the senior officers and then we can make an announcement. You can make an announcement. However, you want to do it. We'll let the ship know and then it'll just be something everyone knows."
"We love each other and that's not going to change the way we run things on the ship," Kathryn said. "We'll have to assure them of that, and it'll have to be true. I was hired to be the captain of this starship. I wasn't hired to fall in love and live out some fantasy."
"I hear Captain Janeway in that," Chakotay said. "I wanted to talk to Kathryn."
"We're the same person," Kathryn reminded him.
"And you can be a captain while still having your fantasy," Chakotay said. "I know you. It's not going to change you to be in love, Kathryn. You're the most complex woman that I've never met. There's no way that you're unable to handle both roles."
"I need you to be right," Kathryn said.
"I am," Chakotay assured her. "And you're not doing it alone. I'm your first officer. I'll support you as Captain Janeway, just like I always have."
"And as Kathryn?" She asked with a smile that barely turned the corner of her mouth upward. Chakotay leaned to kiss her softly, again, and she returned it. She nipped his lip playfully when he pulled away from her and he was never more thankful for such a simple gesture.
"Always as Kathryn," he assured her.
"We'll tell them about the planet," Kathryn said. "About falling in love—being in love. And then we'll have them open a commlink to the ship. After the meeting."
Chakotay smiled at her and nodded.
"I'm glad," he said, catching her hand and holding it in his for the comfort and support it would offer both of them. "Are we going to tell them—about our most recent news?"
Kathryn raised an eyebrow at him like she didn't know to what he might be referring.
"The baby, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "You didn't forget."
"I didn't forget," Kathryn confirmed. "I'm not ready to talk about that, Chakotay."
It made Chakotay's stomach drop, but he nodded his understanding. It was sudden. It was new. She hadn't had time to process it. Neither had he. It was better to process it themselves before they told others.
"We have plenty of time to tell them," Chakotay assured her, working her hand in his. "The baby is—very small. We have plenty of time. We don't have to rush into things."
"If there is a baby," Kathryn offered.
"Don't let Carol scare you," Chakotay said quickly. "Her experiences are very different. She was raising children during the Millennium Plague, Kathryn. You read the statistics. Her children were almost guaranteed to die. That's not our reality, and you and I know that. She'll know it soon enough."
"I just don't know—if there will be a baby," Kathryn said.
Chakotay felt his stomach churn. He felt the sensation of something rising up inside him. He swallowed against it. He didn't want to be sick on the turbolift.
"What do you mean, Kathryn?" He asked. He still worked her hand in his. He couldn't stop. He couldn't release it. He was absolutely seeking comfort as much as he was hoping to give it, now.
"I can't be Captain Janeway…and Chakotay's lover, Kathryn…and a mother," Kathryn said. "It's too much and they aren't roles that are all compatible."
"You want four children, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "You told me yourself. You want four children."
Kathryn nodded her head.
"I do," she admitted. "I have for the longest time."
Chakotay laughed to himself. He didn't feel the laughter, but he wanted to feel it.
"The way we get four children, Kathryn is—we have to start with one," Chakotay said. "There has to be a first one. And maybe it's the scariest one of all because neither of us knows what we're doing, but we have to get through that one together. We get through that one together. And then we do it again, three more times. That's how we have four children, Kathryn."
"I know," Kathryn said. "But—that was when I could take leave. That was when I could…take a desk job for the majority of my pregnancy and take leave for the rest. It was—it was even when we were on a planet where everyone would understand that I was pregnant and…"
"Everyone will understand it on Voyager, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "It's less dangerous than the planet. You could take leave—we can work it out. If Tuvok can captain the ship for six months, he can captain it when you need him to. When we need him to. We can work this out."
"That's not what the crew expects from their captain," Kathryn said.
Chakotay took a breath and held it, trying to steady himself. He stopped working her hand, afraid that he would crush it without meaning to. He held it close to his chest. She could probably feel his heart pounding.
"What about what I expect from the woman I love?" Chakotay asked. "Do I get—some kind of say in this? I recognize that it's not by body, Kathryn, but it is my child. Don't I at least get the…don't I at least get the chance to defend its right to life? Don't I at least get to plead my case and…hear your concerns and do my best to solve them? Before you make the decision to…"
Kathryn frowned deeply when Chakotay broke off, not wanting to say it.
"I'm not making a decision right now," Kathryn said. "I don't know what to do, Chakotay."
"Then don't do anything until you're sure," Chakotay said. "Don't make a decision without me. That's all I'm asking. Can we—just talk about this?"
Kathryn nodded.
"But now we need to do the debriefing," Kathryn said. "Can we do that?"
"It's our duty," Chakotay said, hoping he could maintain outward calm and control. He released Kathryn's hand and she smoothed his uniform jacket and left her palm against his chest.
"Do you—still want to tell them you love me?" Kathryn asked.
"Nothing will ever change that," Chakotay said.
"Good," Kathryn said. "Because—I still love you. And I don't think—I don't know how I could live with myself if you didn't love me."
"I always will," he assured her.
"After our announcement," Kathryn said. "Do you think—you might like to move a few of your things into my quarters? Spend the night with me?"
"Absolutely," Chakotay promised her. "But—Kathryn? I expect for us to talk tonight. I'm putting things on hold for now, but I need for us to discuss this."
Kathryn smiled at him, softly.
"I never expected anything different," she assured him. She took a deep breath and collected herself. "I guess it's time for me to go do this."
"I'm right behind you, Captain," Chakotay assured her. "Always."
