AN: Here we are, another chapter here.
I posted Chapter 39 earlier today. Please don't forget to read that one if you haven't!
I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!
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Chakotay put the plate on the table in front of Kathryn.
"You have to eat," he said.
Kathryn looked at the food and pushed the plate away, sliding it close to the edge of her desk. She sighed and picked up another of the PADDs. If she intended to make it through the entire stack of mundane updates that were supposed to be summaries, from each and every station, of what had happened in all the months that they'd been gone, she wouldn't even sleep tonight.
Chakotay had done what she'd asked. He'd brought his things to her quarters. He'd even put them away, making space for himself in her room. He'd showered. He'd put on pajamas.
He'd waited for the chance to talk to Kathryn and she'd poured over PADDs.
It crawled on every nerve that Chakotay had in his body as though they were all electrified. He slammed his hand down on the desk. The plate with the sandwich and chips—something she'd mentioned might taste good, one night, back on the planet—rattled. A few of the PADDs clattered as they fell. Kathryn looked at him with wide eyes.
"Damn it, Kathryn," Chakotay growled. "You have to eat something! You have to stop—reading those stupid reports!"
Kathryn sat back in her chair. Her eyes were still wide, but she didn't give away any other feeling she might have.
"I have to catch up on the reports, Chakotay," she said. "I'm the captain."
"As you have reminded me every half hour since we got back to the ship," Chakotay said. "But you're off-duty, Kathryn. You need to eat. We need to talk. And those reports will be there tomorrow. Stop using that as an excuse!"
"Are you angry, Chakotay?" Kathryn asked.
Chakotay swallowed. He didn't want to admit that his entire body felt like it was trying to turn inside out, starting with his navel. It wouldn't do them any good, though, to start this part of their relationship—if it were able to survive all of this—with lies and half-truths.
"I'm terrified, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "And maybe you've had the benefit of not seeing me truly terrified before, but this is it. This is…how I deal with it."
"Why are you terrified?" Kathryn asked. She looked genuinely concerned, and that was the only reason that her question didn't make Chakotay even more frustrated.
"I don't want to lose you, Kathryn," Chakotay said.
Kathryn smiled at him.
"I'm right here," she said, sweeping her hands out as though to say that what she was saying was obvious.
"Physically, you are," Chakotay agreed, nodding. "But emotionally? You've been distant since we made the announcement. You've been pouring over these damned PADDs like the information will disappear at 0500 hours. But everything you're reading can wait until tomorrow, Kathryn."
"And this won't wait until tomorrow?" Kathryn asked.
She got up. She walked around her desk. There was nothing between them, now. She reached her hand up and busied herself with searching for the pins that held her hair up. As she found them, and pulled them free, her hair started to fall.
"We won't be the same after tomorrow, Kathryn," Chakotay said. He stepped forward and touched her. He almost expected her to pull away from him. Her distance had been mostly emotional throughout the day, but the ache in his chest was evidence that he expected it to be physical, as well. He squeezed the upper part of her arms. Instead of stepping away from him, she stepped toward him. She held his eyes.
"I thought you said we wouldn't change," Kathryn said. "No matter what. You'd still love me."
Chakotay nodded.
"I will still love you," Chakotay said. "That won't change. But we'll change, Kathryn. One way or another. And—I have to know what you're going to do. We have to talk about that. You owe me that. The doctor's going to want an answer when you walk in tomorrow morning. Are we—doing this? Or are you deciding that we're not?"
Kathryn put her hands on her hips and practically squared up to him.
"It sounds like you've already decided what you want me to do," Kathryn said.
"Does that mean that you've already decided what you want to do?" Chakotay asked.
Kathryn frowned.
"I haven't decided either way," she said. She unzipped her jacket. "I haven't—thought about it."
"Because you've been hiding under reports, Kathryn, about supplies we need to get when we find a warp capable species that might have things to trade," Chakotay said. "You have to think about this. We have to think about this."
Kathryn took off her jacket and collected up the pins she'd taken out of her hair. Chakotay followed her as she went toward the bedroom. She started to hang up her uniform.
"I'm so glad you're taking it off," Chakotay said as he watched her. She glanced at him over her shoulder.
"I'm really not in the mood," she offered.
There wasn't really any malice to it, and Chakotay laughed.
"Neither am I," he admitted. "I just mean—I'd like to talk to Kathryn for a few minutes. I feel like I've been with Captain Janeway since we left the planet, and I just need a moment alone with Kathryn."
Kathryn smiled at him as she worked her way out of the rest of her uniform.
She was beautiful. She was always sexy. But, like her, he'd meant what he'd said when he said he wasn't in the mood. He wanted to be with her, but not in that way.
"Do you mind if I—bathe?" Kathryn asked. "You can keep me company."
Chakotay nodded at her. He followed her into the bathroom. He'd showered while she'd been working, and he'd been looking for ways to fill his time—especially since he found he had no ability to focus on reports and duty rosters when he was wondering how the rest of his life was going to go.
He offered her a hand as she stepped into the tub, and she lowered herself into the water that hadn't quite finished filling the tub.
"You said you wanted to argue your case," Kathryn said. "I know what you want, I believe."
"First and foremost, I want us, Kathryn," Chakotay offered.
"But you would like for me to have a baby," Kathryn said.
"I would like to have a family with you," Chakotay said. "And, until this morning, you wanted to have a family, too. When it was Mark that you were talking about, you wanted four children."
"That's not fair, Chakotay," Kathryn warned. "The situation was different."
"You were willing to give up command," Chakotay said. "Take a leave of absence. According to the timeline you told me that you had with Mark, you'd be on your second child by now. I can't help but feel a little…less than, Kathryn."
Kathryn washed. It was clear that she didn't intend to soak in this tub. She meant only to wash off the day—perhaps to wash off a great deal of what she was dealing with.
"I don't have the luxury of a leave of absence here. And I told you that I never loved Mark like that," Kathryn said. "He was a friend. He was safe. I didn't love him with the same kind of passion that—that I have for you."
"But you loved him enough to be the mother of his children," Chakotay said.
"I told you I wanted to be the mother of your children," Kathryn said. As quickly as she'd gotten in the tub, she was washed and she rose to leave the tub. Chakotay reached out his hands and caught her, whether she needed it or not, to make sure that she didn't slip. She didn't push his hands away. Instead, she thanked him when he released her and handed her the towel she'd soon reach for. He followed her back into the bedroom where she towel-dried her body to put on pajamas.
"You just don't want to be their mother now that there's actually a child in the question," Chakotay said.
Kathryn's frown was sincere. She dropped the towel on the floor. She let go of it, more than anything else, and she dropped down to sit on the bed.
Chakotay realized, when she put her face in her hands and rested her elbows on her knees, that he'd geared up to be angry at her. He was acutely aware of the tension in his body. His jaw ached as he consciously released the tension there. He had lashed out at her, and he'd prepared to lash out at her even more severely.
Her hair spilled over her shoulders and hid Kathryn's face entirely.
And Chakotay sat down beside her. He rested his hand on her back and, when she didn't pull away from him—even though he would have understood if, in that moment, she had—he pulled her so that she tipped toward him.
"I promised I'd help carry your burden forever," Chakotay said. "I can't help wondering if—I've only made it heavier, today. I love you, Kathryn. More than I've ever loved anyone. I find that terrifying and—maybe I haven't always been the best at handling my fear. All I want is to spend the rest of my life with you. Loving you. And—I'd love for us to have a family. When we discussed it on the planet, you said you wanted it. You still wanted four children, you said. No matter what, nothing was going to change your mind. You were excited about it when…when you might have starved through half your pregnancy and Carol would have been delivering the baby. I guess I wasn't expecting you to just—decide you don't want to have a family with me anymore. And that made me start to wonder—what else you're going to decide that you don't want, Kathryn."
She still hadn't come out of her position—one taken, clearly, to close herself off from everything for a moment. Chakotay sat with his hand on her back and kneaded her muscles. This time, he didn't push her. He simply sat and kneaded her muscles while she took a moment to remain as hidden from everything as her position would allow.
Finally, ready to face it all, she sat up and mopped at her face with her hands. Her shoulders sagged forward slightly—something unusual for her, but it spoke volumes to Chakotay.
"I still want a family with you," Kathryn said. "I have wanted to be a mother for—for a very long time. And, on the planet, I was finally starting to see that possibility. I was finally starting to accept that it could happen. It felt like we'd all figure out how to overcome everything. But I can't have a family with you now, Chakotay. It's too much. I can't—be the captain twenty-four hours a day, and be your lover, and give you everything you deserve, and be a mother. I just—can't be everything to everybody."
Chakotay let go, a little more, of his anger.
"You're Kathryn Janeway," he said. "And you're the strongest woman that I've ever met. And you can be anything and everything that you want to be. But—I've got a proposition. Just for you to listen." Kathryn nodded at him. His chest ached to see the pain in her eyes. "You're the captain, but that doesn't mean that you have to be on call twenty-four hours a day. You can put the command down. Pass it to me. Pass it to Tuvok. You can be on call for emergencies, when possible, but the day-to-day doesn't always require you to control everything. And—as a mother? You wouldn't do it alone, Kathryn. You'd do it with me and, I'd venture to say, the whole family that you've built here on Voyager." He sucked in a breath, considered what he wanted to say, and let it out. "I told you that I wanted to carry your burden. And I do. So—consider this. What if you were to put down the weight of some of that belief that everything is your responsibility and, by extension, your fault? You be the captain. Out there. But in here? You put the burden in my hands. On my shoulders. They're broad enough to help you carry it. I promise you that. Let me help you."
"You're going to—take control?" Kathryn asked. A hint of a smile played at her lips. It was the first that Chakotay had seen.
"If that's what you want," Chakotay said. "If it would help—relieve you of some of your burden. You could just put it down. I can handle things, for a while—for as long as you want, behind the scenes."
Kathryn's smile was a little more sincere.
"So, all I have to do is focus on being the captain," Kathryn said. Chakotay nodded. "And you'll handle our private life. Does that mean—you'll tell me what to do? Because I don't know what to do right now, Chakotay."
"The fact that you're so conflicted makes me feel like you know what you want to do," Chakotay said. "That's one decision that I can't make for you, Kathryn. If I make the wrong one, you'll blame me forever for ruining your life."
Kathryn laughed to herself.
"And if I make the wrong one, you'll blame me forever for keeping you from having a family and…I'll blame myself for keeping both of us from having a family," Kathryn said.
"If you feel that both of those are the wrong decision, does that mean that you would like to keep the baby?"
Kathryn nodded at him. Chakotay swallowed down the smile, only letting a little of it creep to the surface. He reached for her, and she let him embrace her. She kissed his jaw, and he let go of her enough to find her mouth. Her kisses were hungry and desperate. He did his best to satiate her hunger.
"Are you sure that's what you want?" He asked.
"If I could. I'm sure that's what I want," Kathryn said. "But I'm not sure that I'll be a good mother. I'm not sure I even know how."
"You have some time to learn," Chakotay offered. "But I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother."
"I'm not sure what the crew will say," Kathryn said.
"I think you'll find them more supportive than you think," Chakotay said. "And, ultimately, it doesn't matter. You're their captain. You took a job to command the ship, Kathryn, on a three-week mission. You didn't swear to give them everything of yourself for the rest of your life. They'll understand that, and those who don't, will adjust."
Kathryn sighed.
"I don't know if I'll know how to balance everything," Kathryn admitted. "And that worries me."
"Then that's where I come in," Chakotay said. He stood up and reached his hands out. He caught Kathryn's hands and pulled her to her feet. "You've got your pajamas on. It's late. Go eat your food so you can get some sleep. Tomorrow—we'll go to sickbay first thing in the morning. From there, we'll handle the rest of it."
"We're leaving sickbay tomorrow—with a baby still?" Kathryn asked, waiting for Chakotay to confirm one way or another what they'd just discussed. He leaned and kissed her again. Her kisses were less hungry this time, but they were still a clear confirmation of her feelings.
"As long as the doctor doesn't say otherwise," Chakotay confirmed, "we're leaving sickbay tomorrow with a baby that has a great deal of growing to do. Now—come on. It's time for you to eat and go to bed, Kathryn." Kathryn smiled at him. Her cheeks blushed a little pink. "What?" He asked, raising his eyebrow at her.
"I—think I might like this," she said. "Could I trade dinner for a little time together before bed?"
Chakotay smiled to himself.
"Food's important to both of you," Chakotay said. "But relaxation and bonding time is, too. Go eat your dinner and I'll turn the bed back. I'll be waiting on you."
